[Projoy] Was meinst Du wenn Du sagst, "in irgendwelcher Art"? Ich meine, so viele Anstrengend ist es nicht, oder?
[rab] You may find that posting to an English-language website in German will not win you friends or influence people. Don't do it again, or I'll send the boys round. Oh, and it's Anstrenge, not Anstrengend.
[rab] Yeah.
I have move.
But I no think you like.
[Martha] Well, I've realised there's nothing doing with mine for the next couple of months, sadly, although it was a rather good concept, tho I say so myself, so I guess your move would at least provide some action.
I wondered if you'd seize the chance to gazump me. :o) And I gave another night to add a bit of Ibsen, Shaw, Mamet, Noh drama and Thos. But then I thought "why bother"?
Hmm. My move appears to be packed with "extra closing / tags". I can't find a single one. And it all works fine on my Geocities page. This may take a while...
| [1] | The message clearly refers to the number of jammy badgers that need to be slapped in the faces of the Persians to evade the oncoming war | King Syze: Alas, my daughter, fair as the moonlit sky Radiant as Aurora's daylight breath, You think I haven't tried to plead for clemency? My servant, Standates, will soon return With the words of the Delphic Oracle herself, The vessel of Apollo in this world The one who lured King Croesus to his doom And chose the great Themistocles to be Her reader, and the saviour of Athens. Enter Standates, and Massiva Syze, the king's mother
The words of the gracious Oracle. Nine months Have I carried this treasure from Parnassus To now conclude my journey with this step. The actions of wise men outweigh the words Of but a single prophet. If the news Were not the kind you want, then would you kill Your only daughter for a scrap of reeds? I offer half my fortune, that you might Destroy the accursed box and keep your wits As well, your regal reputation true. King Syze: You thus compel me to open the box. [Does so, with a bit of ceremony, courtiers staning with bated breath] And if we follow our instincts, then we all Will find ourselves devoured by the Fates. We must conserve our best supplies, like you, [Meediam] To ward off evil spirits. This clue could quite outsphinx the Theban Sphinx Let's hope and pray that someone can explain Its mystery before the day is out Enter (who else?) Graziela, Boleti, Azulejo, Lutenist | |||||||||
| Euripides | |||||||||||
| [2] | Spank My Jammy Badger never caught on properly on the West Coast, as the badgers grabbed the table tennis bats and waked across the snow on them instead | Watching a spider do its Fly impression. Doctor! I feel like a deck of cards! | |||||||||
| Spanklines | |||||||||||
| [3] | It was a jammy badger that originated the tradition of long pauses in Pinter's plays. It was only when Harold started slapping them that they could be made to shut up, you see | King Syze: Piss off! Sie müssen jetzt hören, was wir wissen. Seit wir in unserem eigenen Land sind. Doch, werden wir überprüfen, Fran's Schuh, Bert Enter Graziela and... oh, let's say... Barry | |||||||||
| Pinter | |||||||||||
| [4] | So many people were buying jam in the summer of 1981 that there were virtually no badgers left to slap by the time they all left. Which is why shops could afford to give credit eventually | We only give credit to idiots. Numquid tunc hoc dominum politicum | |||||||||
| Carpe Diem | |||||||||||
| [5] | "What The Jammy Badger Saw", an early draft of a better-known play (called "Loot") examined the psychology of the badger after sticking it through the hole in a doughnut and slapping it with jam. Oddly enough, the badger became rather docile and, indeed, attractive, as the experiment took its toll on the psychologists | Enter Prince Minuscule, who is huge Enter Lutenist, now dressed as King | |||||||||
| Joe Orton | |||||||||||
| [6] | Had they studied the bereavement notice below, "Brocky, the beloved pet of retired jam-slapper Ivor Perversion, went the way of the trilobite last night," it might have been a quite different story. And Scorsese bought the rights immediately | | |||||||||
| Late Nostalgic Review of "Last week's nostalgic review of a late feline" | |||||||||||
| [7] | Poor John Lovelie is so named because of recently being mistaked for a jammy badger and slapped to within an inch of his front doorway | Short pause while the stage is divested of its musical paraphernalia King Syze: Egad, daughter! This is no lovely place! We affect creditors and duns night and day, the Israelites beat at our honest Gentile gates as though the hordes of Assyria were baying at their feet. My stars, it's money we require and it's money we shall have, if the suits of Lord Angerman and Count Spondulicks can be secured. Now, repair to your chambers and select a silken robe with which to ensnare one of these upstanding young social pillars. Enter Lady Thick | |||||||||
| Sheridan | |||||||||||
| [8] | Jammy Badgerslapping | Covent Garden | |||||||||
| Baker's Two | |||||||||||
| [9] | [Deleted verse from the DVD] "Eye wanna funk this jammy badger o' mine/I'll slap it with mah cricket bat so fine/No m**********r's gonna slap him 'fore I'm done/I'll slap im till he's got only one lung" | Sebastian: I cain't stan' any more o'this! Sebastian pulls a shotgun and shoots TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP stone dead. Cheers from Audience Belle: Oh Brother Man what'd you do thayat fower? Man I heard 'im sayin' he was the Prince! An' now we ain't got no fella to come dragon slayin' over New Years'. Man you is so inconsiderate sometimes. Belle moves to TAFKATSUTRTAFKAP and strokes his head Enter Graziela, who immediately starts attacking Belle Enter Prince Charming | |||||||||
Tennessee Williams | |||||||||||
| [10] | Slide in a bunch of badgers by their necks, stretch them properly, coat them liberally with a paintbrush of jam, push two halves of workmate together and... | FUNCTION THE SECOND: A portable "=" sign for signalling maths problems to low-flying aircraft | |||||||||
| 101 Uses for a Black & Decker Workmate | |||||||||||
| [11] | The French originally took to badger-slapping as a way of getting thier livers to burst out through the top of their heads. This was then deep-fried with liberal amounts of jam in order to make a piquant sauce for duckling [Escoffier, II, pp.97-9] | Scene 3: Police Station. Prince Charming is behind bars and being interrogated Constable Gerard: According to your statement (let me see), I've never come to terms with this, and hope That you'll understand my plea as misanthrope. Besides, in fact he took me by surprise and Hit me with a showstopper by Streisand (And some other fellow I'd never heard of before called Yello) And if that's not enough, my clothing should evince My highfalutin status as a Prince! Whether or not you're the real Prince Charming. There's only room for one "PC" round here And not the one with bad behaviour! Enter Boleti But you'll have to help me win your sister, Meediam! I have the bail you need to be released Despite your murder of Miss Bourne the Beast Should go the way of poor old Mister Bette! But no, I'll let him bail me out of this mess Then maybe I'll get to meet the Princess! [Not aside] Gerard! This man's prepared to put up bail To spring me out of your disgusting jail! Boleti: And now we'll go and meet your sister! | |||||||||
| Moliere (in the ubiquitous Neil Bartlett translation) | |||||||||||
| [12] | Badgers can't help laughing when slapped with jam. Try it now | Titter ... Smirk | |||||||||
| Straight Face | |||||||||||
| [13] | Bert actually absconded to get away from his girlfriend. In all other respects she was quite normal, but whenever they were in bed together, at the crucial moment she tended to cry out the immortal phrase.... | [Exit baritone] But answer came there none Enter mysterious stranger with one shoe
| |||||||||
| The Oats/Chekhov Interface | |||||||||||
| [14] | Try slapping a badger with a jam-filled Cartier bracelet. Or else | ...your covert activities against the Nestlé corporation, your ongoing campaign to rid the world of the horrors of Nescafé, Milky Bar, KitKat, Smash, Smarties..." Steve put a Nailwell-manicured finger over Nicola's exquisitely Revlonned lips. "Hush now, Bulgari," he whispered, sending a thrill through Nicola's entire Lipo-LovelyTM torso as he used her favourite pet name. "Just ring your friends, Dorothy Perkins, Miss Selfridge, Ann Summers, St. Michael, Sue Ryder..." "Maybe not her." "Okay, just play with this Fort Knox gold bullion till I get back. My, you look truly Brillo-pad today. Your eyes like Swarovski crystal, those teeth like..." "Colgate, particularly. Bring me back something really special. Something like... like..." | |||||||||
| Cartier Bracelet | |||||||||||
| [15] | Princess Laguna is in fact played by a jammy badger. Not quite a celebrity in her own right, but after winning the lead in the new Scorsese production, just watch this space. (Needless to say, she's a bit of a slapper) | Mrs Dragon: Oi! Your band! Dragon: Yes, I'm fast and she's hideous. Shouts and screams offstage of "Help, Help! Save Me! Someone, Please!" Prince Charming: Oh what was that? Enter Princess Laguna, blonde and ravishing, possibly played by celeb of your choosing
| |||||||||
| Oh Yes It Is! | |||||||||||
| [16] | I hope someone starts Jammy Badger-flavour MC next move. I'll slap em all round the court | Hmm, you've got me. I *farkle* but reserving home at Russell Square | |||||||||
| Vanilla MC | |||||||||||
| [17] | The Magnificent Seven - slap jammy badgers | Se7en - Paltrow gives head | |||||||||
| Tasteless Butler Did It | |||||||||||
| [18] | But not quite as much as the game of Slap My Jammy Badger |  | |||||||||
| Bollocks | |||||||||||
| [19] | I have two badgers right here with me. I've called them Penelope and Blob. One of them has just slapped the other with jam. It's all happening today on Big Badger! | 9,994 I yearn for you madly, your firm, manly arms, your flowing chestnut hair, I want you to take me and hold me close for all eternity as I burn in the fire of your passion, as I melt into a glow of unbridled scintillating love. | |||||||||
| 10,000 comments Pen wouldn't make to Blob | |||||||||||
| [20] | What is a jammy badger and why should it be slapped so much? | If someone with a multiple personality disorder threatens suicide, is it a hostage situation? | |||||||||
| Stupid Questions | |||||||||||
| [21] | How about *splut* Oooh! Mkk mmk mmkkkk! | No, no, this is clearly an outtake from David V. Goliath - The Rematch, a fair fight set in a boxing ring. *click* kwarkwarkwarbzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... Zhoomph WHAM! Zhoomph WHAM! Zhoomph WHAM! | |||||||||
| Douglas Smith | |||||||||||
| [22] | Unlike Jam Splat Wally, where a Monty Mole-type clone goes round picking up jamjars without getting splatted by the pneumatic pistons | I'll open at Macaroni Ted, with a podume on the Spacecraft from Zzoom! | |||||||||
| Jet Set Willy | |||||||||||
| [23] | Obviously the Pope is an inveterate badger-slapper, and lives only on Jam up in Castel Gandolfo with his three little stoats |
| |||||||||
| Small HYPEarthquakers | |||||||||||
| [24] | Clue: It's not "Slap My Jammy Badger!" | [matt] The Return Of Fucking = The Return Of The King? And, similarly... [rab] Bored Of The Rings? God knows I've had enough time to think about them. Anyway, moving swiftly on... Aerial shot of a Flash Crowd: Film, 4 words | |||||||||
| Sound Charades | |||||||||||
| [25] | David Blaine is currently thinking "Oh, how many jammy badgers I'm going to slap when I get out of this stupid box!" Many students have taken to slapping jammy badgers on the box and trying to mke them stick, just to tantalise him | | |||||||||
| Dee Twinty-Sivin As The Fly Trapped In David Blaine's Box | |||||||||||
| [26] | Richard Gere once played King Caractacus. Backstage, after the orgy scene, he remained so in character that he obtained a badger, lubricated it with jam, and slapped it up his... [Snip! Ed.] | Now, the ladies of the harem of the court of King Caractacus Were just passing by (All together at this point!) The current moment, the women of the seraglio of the palace of the aforementioned ruler Came past a short time ago The instant here, the females of the love nest of the hall of that monarch Went thataway slightly previously, At present, the girls of the knocking-shop of the throne-room of the previously-named regal man Recently travelled alongside the viewer The immediate second, the fascinating witches who put the scintillating stitches in the britches of the boys who laid the powder on the noses of the faces of the birds of the brothel of the grotto of said kingly bloke So if you want to take some pictures of the engaging enchantresses who've lain the entrancing thin strings in the kecks of the masculine children who ladled PCP on the conks of the dames of Priapus's paradise of the natural abode of the country's trusted advisors of the number-one-big-fella whose identity was revealed by me, you're TOO LATE! | |||||||||
| Just A Minim | |||||||||||
| [27] | Slap My Jammy Badger! | Jammy Badger-Slapping was the breakout sport in this year's World Championship games, so I felt it was worthwhile publicising it in this forum too | |||||||||
| Celebrity Commentary | |||||||||||
Thanks again to matt for the table (and the good set-ups). And it's over to you :o)
[MF] Congratulations, both on the move and for getting it through the checker. I will improve this one day. I don't think there's anything to dislike about your move. Must try harder next time (though I don't know how many times I'll be able to sidestep these theatrical parodies...).
Bravo! Especially on the extra SMJB bits.
I see that "Bravo!" and raise you a "Hurrah!" A work of genius. Without wishing to in any way downplay the plays, which I love, the workmate function is one of the funniest things I've seen in ages.
Oh. Bugger. Does that make it my turn?
Really? Isn't it strange how the best moves take the least time? (The longest one to do was easily Just A Minim.) And I've no idea why the picture doesn't work.
Tuj has spent most of this afternoon preparing a move, imminent within the next couple of days. Unlikely but true.
Before I start let me present my credentials:
1) I have staunchly opposed Acre Street whenever it has sprung up
2) I have never played Stratford-upon-Crescent
3) I know very little of plays beyond GCSE Shakespeare
4) I love Just A Minim
So, cringe and expect the worst. Tactically refurcating each of the dramatic strands with another furcation will reduce the number of furcations, as I expect one of the two things shoehorned together will win out soon enough. It's like Darwin.
Now read on:
1) I have staunchly opposed Acre Street whenever it has sprung up
2) I have never played Stratford-upon-Crescent
3) I know very little of plays beyond GCSE Shakespeare
4) I love Just A Minim
So, cringe and expect the worst. Tactically refurcating each of the dramatic strands with another furcation will reduce the number of furcations, as I expect one of the two things shoehorned together will win out soon enough. It's like Darwin.
Now read on:
| A: The chassis of a Euripidean drama crudely welded to the back end of Just A Minim From previous furcations 1 & 26 | ||||||||
| Lutenist: Sirrah, the hour of birthday bash is now Wouldst thou like to hear a cheery song, perchance? Here be a song to sooth thy worried brow So come and with our weasel comp'ny dance! space(strums and sings) Look for the bare necessities The simple stripped-down vitals Forget about your worries and your strife I mean the plain essentials Are Mother Nature's recipes That bring the basic requirements of life Seek out the essential needs The uncomplicated minimum obligations Think not of your anxieties and apprehension I'm trying to convey the unembellished fundamentals That's why a bear can rest at ease With just the straightforward musts of being Now when you pick a pawpaw Or a prickly pear And you prick a raw paw Well, next time, beware Don't pick the spiky apple-like edible By the palm area At the time you pluck out an elongated green fruit Try to use the claw But you don't need to utilise the talon When you harvest a pair of the big tropical delicacy mentioned in the first line of this verse Search after the ursine things you can't live without The unadorned grizzly's indispensables Cast from your mind thine trials and tribulations I am implying the merest crucial things Which is why a teddy could rest at leisure Using merely Pooh's imperative concepts of this mortal coil Getting by only on Paddington's important ideologies of living! space(collapses) space(dancers continue as King Syze goes over to Lutenist) King Syze: You know of bears and weasels, it is plain My trouble's with sardines; could you explain? Lutenist: Dunno, ask Graziela. (keels over again) King Syze: Were that the name of Graziel' I hear? And that then would confirm my greatest fear? My swornèd enemy is truly here? space(dancers stop. Graziela steps forward) | ||||||||
| B: The bare necessities of a game of Spanklines From previous furcation 2 | ||||||||
| Don't shout, or everyone'll want one. How do you start a teddy bear race? | ||||||||
| C: Dee Twenty-Sivin as the fly trapped in a Pinterian Drama From previous furcations 3 & 25 | ||||||||
| Friday: I'm well travelled now. Been in that house full of BB-bastards, and that box with the log in it, and now I'm in this big Medieval thing. Funny, the bastards here speak just like the first band of bastards. Like, today, this happened: Graziela: Ah, there he is! King Syze: Who? And who're you? Graziela: (ignoring him) My pet bear. How he got under a cabinet here I dunno. Peugeot: A bear!? Bloody hell! King Syze: Ah piss, the great hairy bugger's coming out from under the cabinet! And when the log with the shiny top on it said that, this great hairy groaning thing, like the logs but much bigger, suddenly jumped up. It chased all the logs around the room! F*ck me it was funny. space(buzzes off as scene ends)
| ||||||||
| D: Carpe Diem, bartender, and hold the bears From previous furcation 4 | ||||||||
| With enough money, any tonker can become a domineering politican. Falls Sie Schmuck tragen, sollten Sie diesen während der Fahrt verdecken. | ||||||||
| E: Joe Orton's take on a classical drama. Enter the tasteless butler... From previous furcations 5 & 17 | ||||||||
| Act One, Scene Three Another room in Castle Drogo, the next morning. (enter the tasteless butler, in conversation with Azulejo) Ozzy Osbourne (for it is he) : Look, mate, I saw it through a hole in the f___in wall! The f___in lute fella gave Francoise a proper f___in f___in. He put one of his hands in her f___in- Azulejo: Whoa, steady on! Ozzy Osbourne: Well f___ me, I though you'd be f___in interested! I mean, this actually f___in happened, not like that lilac fire-breathing f___in grizzly bear I saw running round the place last Thursday. (enter Graziela) Graziela: Azulejo! Get away from that tasteless butler! Come hither, we have plots to scheme and schemes to plot. (exit Azulejo and Graziela) Ozzy Osbourne: Well, I know when I'm not f___in wanted. space(turns, flinches) F___ me! It's that f___in bear again! space(exit, chased by thin air) | ||||||||
| F: Late Review nostalgically looks back on what a late cat thought of 10,000 reverse comments pen wouldn't make to Blob From previous furcations 6 & 19 | ||||||||
| Mark Lawson: Tonight on Late Review, we nostaligcally look back on what a late cat though of 10,000 reverse comments penelope wouldn't make to Blob. Tom Paulin, your view? Tom Paulin: Well, Mark, frankly I totally agreed with Tiddles' thoughts on this one. I have no criticisms to make at all, in fact. Mark Lawson: How do you defend such a non-controversial stand-point? Tom Paulin: Well, you did just wake me up. Mark Lawson: O, K, then, Germaine Greer? Germaine Greer: Weell I find this all just impossible to believe! The idea that this character penelope (she pronounces it to rhyme with 'antelope') would never say these things to Blob is negated by the fact that these statements have been aired where penelope can clearly read them, and so she is far more likely to say them! And frankly the whole business of reversals and the ridiculous cat motif just make it even less credible! (pause) Mark Lawson: So- Germaine Greer: (interrupting) Frankly it all just reeks of the male chauvinism so typical of today's society! (pause) Mark Lawson: So? Germaine Greer: No, I've finished now. Do your bit. Mark Lawson: Don't boss me about, I'm the presenter! Pedro, get her! (exit Germaine Greer, chased by a bear) Mark Lawson: No-one messes with Mark "The Hard Man" Lawson. (credits roll) | ||||||||
| G: The noble sound charades of Sheridan From previous furcations 7 & 24 | ||||||||
| (three hours later) Peugeot: (yawns) Lady Thick: A Miriam (sic.) of confounditudes upon your tardy servants! Zounds, a pair of hours ago did I expectorate them. King Syze: Peugeot, fool, will you not disport ourselves with some diverse divertion? Peugeot: My liege, picture in your imaginings a noble knight, who upon his shield bears the legend 'Film: 2 words' King Syze: (to Lady Thick) My lady you shall find this ostracizes your ennui. 'Tis my favourite game of 'Sound Charades'. Peugeot: Now imagine a couple, promenading. Their names are Alpheus and Serena. Now see Alpheus' friend Benedict as he comes over to them. They speak as follows: Benedict: Ah, so this is the lady who ensnared you in marriage, Alf? This is 'her'? Alpheus: Ah, yes. Let me introduce you: 'her', Ben ... (pauses) Lady Thick: Yes, yes, continue... Peugeot: Nay, now you should know the answer. (awkward silence; enter a bedraggled Boleti, chased by a bear) | ||||||||
| H: Baker's Two From previous furcation 8 - though as a late starter, this move is forced, and even an unintelligent stuffed bear would know what's coming next move now... | ||||||||
| Hammersmith, buggeration. | ||||||||
| I: Tennessee "Bollocks!" Williams From previous furcations 9 & 18 | ||||||||
| Graziela: Look what you gone done now, missy. Belle: Bollocks! I ain't done nothin'! Anyhow, he's mine faw the doin'! Graziela: Bollocks! He's mine! Belle: Bollocks! He's mine! Graziela: Bollocks! Belle: Bollocks! space(they continue shouting 'Bollocks!' louder and louder, until:) space(enter Azulejo) Azulejo: BOLLOCKS! (silences women) Graziela, ma'am - bayd noos. Prince Charming darn well ran into a grizzly bear, an' well, an' - it made faw him an' tore off his... All: ... Bollocks? Azulejo: You could say that. | ||||||||
| J: 101 Uses for a Black and Decker Workmate From previous furcation 10 | ||||||||
| FUNCTION THE THIRD: Bear trap. Disguised as a picnic basket (to attract the bears, obviously), wait in the middle of Yellowstone Park until one comes along. As it does, close the 2 halves of the Workmate as it puts its foot between them, thus trapping it. For best effects, use in conjunction with Black and Decker Deluxe Plus toolkit - the secret website address on the underside of the lid gives details of how all the tools (even including gruesome uses for the Allen keys) double up as bear-torturing devices! | ||||||||
| K: The playwrightship of Molière (Celebrity Commentary c/o Neil Bartlett) From previous furcations 11 & 27 | ||||||||
| Act One, Scene Four Princess Meediam sits alone in Castle de Plitploth, reading aloud from OK! magazine or somesuch. Meediam: "Prince Charming, bro of Meediam," (that's me) "Has been released from police custody Though for murdering Bette he was locked in jail It seems his manservant has stumped up bail Nigel Boleti, valet, 32 Was not available for interview The rumours say he's gone the way of Bette That Charming is a double murd'rer, yet This would seem unlikely, had he not been banned From his own castle, and thus fled the land Where he was born. Apparently he were Seen riding o'er the borders on a bear." Oh, brother, it would be dramatic if You came back here, though banished, for a tiff. space(enter Prince Charming and Boleti) Well, whaddaya know! | ||||||||
| L: Straight face From previous furcation 12 | ||||||||
| Bear ... Arsed | ||||||||
| M: What is the true meaning of the Let Me Chekhov My Oats Interface? From previous furcations 13 & 20 | ||||||||
| Graziela: (to the mysterious stranger, Bert)Are you Bert? Bert: I don't know. Are you Bert? All: Nope. Bert: Then by process of elimination, I am Bert. Similarly, I fancy a steaming bowl of porridge. space(exit Boleti, to get porridge) Azulejo: Why are you wearing one shoe? Bert: Why are you wearing two? Azulejo: To warm my feet! Bert: Why, that's the reason I wear mine! Graziela: Why have you one foot uncovered? Bert: So as not to trample oats. If an oat burns in a field where no-one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? space(enter Boleti) Boleti: My lords and ladies, through the kitchen window I saw every last field of oats aflame! Bert: Were a bear to run through a flaming field of oats fast enough, could it remain unsinged? Gadzooks! What is that? space(exit Bert, chased by a bear) Boleti: Would porridge extinguish a flaming field of oats? Prince Charming: It is our last hope... | ||||||||
| N: MC, Vanilla From previous furcation 16 | ||||||||
| Home at Goodge Street, of course, but after that farkle, I'll avoid a Great Bear Shift and play Chalfont & Latimer | ||||||||
| O: The eternal panto season we know as 'Oh Yes It Is!' continues - featuring Douglas Smith wearing a Cartier bracelet From previous furcations 14 & 15 & 21 | ||||||||
| Douglas Smith: I, Douglas Smith, dressed up in 'comedy damsel' style, with pink Prada party frock and blonde wig carelessly bodged together from a B&Q mop. I stride forward confidently in my bright pink Hush Puppies (stride, stride, stride), my Slazenger tennis ball breasts humorously bobbing up and down (yoingg, yoingg, boungg). Prince Charming: New balls please? I couldn't lever a joke in here even with a Black and Decker Workmate attachment. Douglas Smith: I deliver, by UPS, my line: 'Save me, for I have run out of Wrigley's Orbit chewing gum! I long for its seven spearmint strips with xylitol for healthier teeth! Help. Someone help! Then I laugh coquettishly, proving I am as thick as a Tesco's Strawberry milkshake: tee hee, tee hee, ho. Ha. Prince Charming: I've heard more convincing laughs from this audience tonight! Hang on! (raises hand over eyes) If I'd had my Oakley's on I would've seen it sooner! A shape on the horizon! Douglas Smith: My, it is a funny shape! Titter! space(enter angry bear, stage left. It snarls at Douglas Smith) Douglas Smith: Eek. Eek, aargh. Help. space(exit Douglas Smith, chased by a bear) | ||||||||
| P: Seen any good films recently? The fag ends of previous furcation 17 | ||||||||
| Bought The Matrix: Reloaded on DVD yesterday. Haven't watched it yet, but it seemed pretty darn good when I saw it at the cinema in May. | ||||||||
| Q: Jet Set Willy From previous furcation 22 | ||||||||
| Erm... I can | ||||||||
| R: Small HYPEarthquakes From previous furcation 23 | ||||||||
|
Apologies for any typos, errors, etc, but after 18 hours of work (yeah, I took my time over it), when the HTML checker spat it back in my face twice I failed to care any more!
Now let the criticisms (though hopefully more moves as well, as this could be the start of the end game) begin!
Now let the criticisms (though hopefully more moves as well, as this could be the start of the end game) begin!
[rab] Well, it was your table I hijacked and repainted...
Needless to say, the fault was in the repainting (didn't close a font color="white" tag)
Needless to say, the fault was in the repainting (didn't close a font color="white" tag)
[Tuj] A deeply impressive début.
Bravo Tuj!
Ah, a lawsuit.
Going to hire your wife as your lawyer?
So, any takers on a next move?
Go on, you know you want to.
Go on, you know you want to.
I think, nominally, it's matt's turn. *tumbleweed*
I'm still working on it, but too busy for the next couple of weeks.
I also think that it's nominally my turn, but I'm not going to be taking it just now so if anyone else wants to weigh in, please do.
I'm just hoping that my next move happens to coincide with the Christmas break so I can have an excuse for not talking to my family. (Apart from the fact that I'm a curmudeonly old cove).
[rab] I think it's your go. [Tuj] You didn't answer my charade. And what happened to the Celeb Commentary? Or was that the bear?
[MF] Really? If I recall it went matt, me, you, Tuj ... so certainly matt has to play before me, unless he bows out.
I thought it went me, [anyone], [someone else], me... so as to avoid any one person monopolising the game by playing every other move
Oh.
[MF] Your charade baffled me, and considering it went into the dramatisation, they couldn't guess it as it wasn't in the play before. Accusation 2 also denied: the celebrity commentary (which I didn't fully understand) became celebrity commentary in the OK! magazine read by Meediam in strand K (the article being about notable celebrity Prince Charming).
Completely, badger-buggeringly, insane.
Bravo!
Mornington Crescent?
No. Projoy's working on a move, and if you want to be taken seriously you should tell us who you are.
[rab] Projoy's doing one? Joy!
[Suggestion to Suggestion] Clear orff, the bloodlust is clouding your vision!
[Suggestion to Suggestion] Clear orff, the bloodlust is clouding your vision!
[Tuj] He muttered something along those lines in the Pilgrim's game at Orange. However, the proof, as they say, will be in the synthetic whipped-cream dessert.
If someone doesn't move soon, I'm going to claim a win. Tuj's move was illegal.
I am not, by the way, Suggestion
Why was it illegal? I take that as an insult of a very personal nature, and that's before you've evenexplained why.
I didn't create the celeb commentary for my health, you know. Saying you didn't understand it isn't good enough. I suggest you put it back in.
Yes, I am working on a move. This process has so far consisted of conceiving the correct form for it. I'm bored with tables and Good HTML, and besides, one of Martha's initial reverse comments to Projoy implied that it would be an attempt to reunify all the strands, a promise I intend to fulfil. In addition I need to learn a bit of Korean, and, being me, add an impossible new set of things to do.
And you'll get a pat on the back and a hearty well done if you do. And what greater incentive could there be?
I shure hope Projoy is working on a move, as I'm currently testing an improved HTML checker (with integral visual tag jiggler) which I hope to put online in the next couple of days. Should help with those lengthy submissions.
*completely gratuitous posting alert* What a mouth-watering prospect! A lengthy submission by Projoy, aided by a rab's tag jiggler.
Yes, as soon as this panto is over...
Although I can't necessarily promise something really profound for your jiggler to get its teeth into.
[rab, Tuj et al] To be honest, the only reason I've got it in for this game is because I don't understand it. And suggestions are, in the grand tradition of life, there to be ignored :) And the day I am taken seriously is the day I may have to shuffle off this mortal coil. Would anyone like to explain the game for me?
Simple. 'A' plays a move. 'B' plays a more complicated move. Continue until someone's head explodes.
My head exploded after the fifth move....
Read, tried understanding, failed.
It helps if you read from the birth...
...and of course bear in mind that this game was actually played the first time in special conditions in 1953. It is now being spooled out with the moves in reverse order for your amusement. The reason for the current seeming long gap is that at this stage in 1953 the original Dr Heinz Tuj died of syphalis when it was his turn. The others therefore used transcripts of what he had said previously to piece together a final (or initial, as it is being reproduced backwards) move for him. Now read on.
Ohhhh, so that's what this game is! I thought it was just a two-stranded MC game. Brilliant stuff, everyone. I particularly like the reunifying aspect.
I may make a move at some point in the future (I take it's not going to go away too soon) but not at all imminently. (It's a bit disturbing that I missed Acre Street whilst away from MC, isn't it?)
I may make a move at some point in the future (I take it's not going to go away too soon) but not at all imminently. (It's a bit disturbing that I missed Acre Street whilst away from MC, isn't it?)
OK, I give up. Life is just not long enough.
Me too....
I'm still working on a move (honest, just started again). Should I try and reunify everything, or is anyone else out there still planning to move?
Do what you like... and a new move might act as a fillip to re-enter the play!
That's what I thought... I hope that the end is not nigh!
Well, I was almost ready to give up the ghost with Projoy and rab, but if Brendan is willing to breathe new life into this game then who knows? And at least it will mean we don't have to enter into the nightmare of a judicial review to decide whether Martha or Tuj takes the prize.
Herewith my humble offering; I've managed to unify several of the theatrical strands, though in the process I've had to force their non-play subcomponents off into other furcations, which may create a few instabilities here and there ...
Many thanks to everyone who's played up to now, but especially matt, whose idea to deal with the theatrical superabundance I have shamelessly stolen.
Anyone perplexed by furcation xi), just play Covent Garden or Perivale.
| i) Ensemble Celebrity Commentary non-theatrical component of previous furcation K | Since Tuj atomised the celeb commentary by including it in a play, it looks like the only way to resolve the impasse is to have a different commentator for each move. To that end, this move's celebrity commentary will be provided by ... the characters from Little Britain | Tom Baker (VO): But what is the people of Little Britain? Who be they? What strategies do they employ in overcomplicated games of Mornington Crescent? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ii) Six Film and Crescent Styles in Search of a Chairman in which the theatrical elements of previous furcations A, C, E, G, I and K are crudely welded together | [All suddenly find themselves on a featureless white plain -- or possibly in a featureless white room, it is impossible to tell] Graziela (Euripidean version): Aye, King Syze, I am here, to take away the life you hold so dear! Graziela (Pinterian version): Well, I'm fucking well here as well. But where the buggery is here? Graziela (Orton version): Not a clue, but I do know where the buggery is. Graziela (Sheridan version): This utterly unanticipated turn of events leaves me distressingly discombobulated! Graziela (Williams version): Ah jest don' have the faintest idea what's goin' on. Graziela (Molière trans. Bartlett version): Events indeed are at a pretty pass/when stranded in limbo is this 'ere lass! King Syze: Oh, do stop talking to yourself, Graziela! Someone tell me what the hell's going on here! Azulejo: Sire, it appears that we have become trapped inside a game of Film and Crescent Styles. Lady Thick: Well, in that case shouldn't there be someone in charge? King Syze: (coughs loudly) Lady Thick: Erm, not that you're not, of course, my dear King Syze. King Syze: Yes, thank you. But you speak the truth; we needs must find a chairman. Meediam: Perhaps Clive Anderson is nearby. Boleti: What about Nicholas Parsons? Graziela: (all six of whom have unified into one being while we weren't looking) Or maybe Nigel Rees? King Syze: Control yourself, Graziela! There's no need for such desperation yet. Azulejo: Sire! I dimply perceive, by some preternatural sense, that beyond this game is another, of which this one we now inhabit is but a fraction; games upon games stretching into infinity like -- Humph: (wakes, startled; honks his rubber trumpet thing) Right, that's quite enough of that metafictional round. The next style is Gilbert and Sullivan. | Vicky Pollard: Yeah, but no, but yeah; I mean, I know I was supposed to learn the lines for the school play but Tanya -- not Tanya who was going out with Michael but dumped him for David because she said he was better at snoggin' -- not her, the ugly Tanya who I think's a lezzer but she says she ain't -- she told me that the play had been cancelled so I didn't think I 'ad to, did I?, and I know Michaela says it was 'cos I was getting off with Michael what Tanya had just dumped -- not ugly Tanya, the other one, of course it couldn't have been ugly Tanya, 'cos she's a lezzer, in't she, so how could she have dumped him? durr! -- and by the way, David is better at snoggin' than him, but of course Tanya -- not ugly Tanya -- doesn't know I know that, and you mus'n't tell her, but anyway, it's not 'cos I was snoggin' him that I didn't learn the lines, and you shouldn't listen to Michaela anyway 'cos she's cross-eyed in both eyes. Don't give me evils! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| iii) Spanklines the continuation of B | Start up the stuffing removal machine. What's black and white and red all over? | Des Kaye: My jokes were much better than that when I was on the telly. Wikki Woo! Des can't hear you! Wikki WOO!! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| iv) Carpe Diem the furtherance of furcation D | Only a schmuck sets lights to his farts in a diesel vehicle Veni, vidi, vici | Dame Sally Markham: Are you getting all this down, Grace? "He looked into her eyes and said, 'Have you ever read Caesar's commentaries on the Gallic Wars, my dear? I find them quite inspiring. Let me read them to you!' He took the book from the shelf and opened it. '"All Gaul is divided into three parts, one of which the Belgae inhabit ..."'" You can find the rest on the shelf, Grace. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| v) Just a Late Review F meets the non-theatrical components of A | Mark Lawson: I'd like to start tonight's show by reading a brief statement prepared by the BBC's lawyers. It was wrong of me to unleash a bear on Germaine Greer on last week's edition of the show, and I apologise whole-heartedly to for any suffering and distress that may have been caused both to Germaine and any viewers at home of a nervous disposition. Further, please do not copy my example at home; I am a trained bear handler and unleasher. Germaine Greer: Thank you, Mark. Don't worry, I won't hold it against you; it was just all that testosterone in your bloodstream. Male humans really are much more worthwhile individuals they get taken over by their hormones, you know. In fact I've recently written a book about that very subject-- Tom Paulin: Here, if she's allowed to plug her book, I should get a chance to promote my epic poem about World War Two. Mark Lawson: Except that I haven't tried to kill you recently, Tom. Tom Paulin: Oh, right so. Mark Lawson: Moving on to tonight's programme, first we look at the film version of the long-running musical Chicago. Tom, what did you think? Tom Paulin: That Catherine Zeta Jones is a bit of all right, isn't she? Renee Zellweger, not so much, but you would, wouldn't you? Mark Lawson: Thank you, Tom. Germaine? Germaine Greer: I really liked it actually. My favourite bit was the opening sequence in the club, when Catherine Zeta Jones sang that number that went a little something like this: [Germaine unexpectedly stands up, revealing that she is wearing a short skirt, suspenders and dancing shoes. To the visible surprise of Mark and Tom, she mounts the table and begins to sing] C'mon babe Why don't we paint the town? And all that jazz I'm gonna rouge my knees And roll my stockings down And the totality of the aforementioned musical form Start the car I know a whoopee spot Where the gin is cold But the piano's hot It's just a noisy hall Where there's a nightly brawl And each improvised melody! Oh, you will see thy sheba Shimmy shake And large quantities of syncopated rhythms Oh, she's destined to shimmy till her garters break And excessive amounts of freeform tunes Show her where to park her girdle Oh, her mother's blood'd curdle If she'd hear Her baby's queer For the entirety of the tunes played by Louis Armstrong and similar performers! No, I'm no one's wife But, oh I love this life And the sum total of the music which originated in the southern United States in the late 19th/early 20th century! [Germaine sits back down] Tom Paulin: Well, of course, pen would never say that to Blob, even in reverse. Mark Lawson: Quite. | Jason: (mouth hangs open speechlessly watching Germaine's performance) Gary's Nan: What is it, dear? | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| vi) Two Bakers not Colin and Tom, but rather the application of Tuj's preparation H | Pass Damn! | Bernard Chumley: Well, of course I played Holmes once, you know. After a fashion. Basil Rathbone was ill and I stood in for him in a long shot. Kitty has one of those videos of it, she's very fond of showing people that sequence ... I didn't kill her, you know. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| vii) 101 tasteless uses for a Black & Decker workmate the remnants of E bolted onto J | FUNCTION THE FOURTH: Interrogation/Torture device. Need I say more? | Marjorie Dawes: Hands up who can tell me what the dieter's best friend is. Anyone? No? It's tastelessness. T-A-I-S-T-L-I-S-N-I-S, tastelessness. If something is tasteless, you don't want to eat very much of it. Ryvita, for example. That tastes of cardboard. Not like choklit. Oooh, I love a bit of choklit. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| viii) Straight Bollocks the dangly bits left over from I attached to L | Erect ... Bollards | Emily Howard: No, I don't have any of those. You see, I'm a lady! | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| ix) A fly on the wall of the Let Me Chekov my Oats interface asks stupid questions the remains of C buzz into M | [Graziela, Boleti et al sit in the charred ruins of their house. A fly buzzes overhead.] Fly: 'Ere, what happened to the fields? Graziela: Burnt. Burnt to ashes, each last one, alas. And brave Prince Charming perished attempting to spread porridge on the fields. Fly: And the fire caught the village too? Boleti: It did, indeed. And yet we are mysteriously unharmed despite being caught in the conflagration. Fly: That was going to be my next question. Is it a metaphor? [Bert enters, now utterly shoeless] Bert: I assume so. My pursuit by the bear indicated my flight from my own destiny, so the burning fields must be the destruction of all our hopes and dreams, and the talking fly -- wait a second, what does the talking fly represent? Fly: Erm, Jeff Goldblum's willingness to do the film? [Exit fly, pursued by a metaphor] | Lou: I want those oats. Andy: These ones? But you don't like these ones. You said they had a texture like sandpaper. Lou: Yeah, I know. I want those ones. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| x) Vanilla MC furcation N continues on its merry way | Marble Arch, if only to avoid ending up knee-deep in strick. | Ray McCooney: Well, maybe I'm in strick and maybe I'm not, aye ... (plays panpipes) | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xi) Gallifrey Crescent a new furcation, splitting off from x) | In honour of the new series, straddles to other programmes written by Russell T Davies or starring Christopher Eccleston are wild (thus making The Second Coming doubly wild, which could make for interesting paratheological play). Marb Station, perhaps not the most logical of places to preserve civilisation for the rest of eternity but never mind. | Myfannwy: Oh look, Daffyd, there's a Doctor Who convention in the village hall this weekend ... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xii) Oh Yes It Is A Cartier Bracelet! (only £1999.99+P&P) O, furcation O! | Dragon: Well, thank Mark Lawson's Bears 'R' Us for that. Prince Charming: Prepare to die, Dragon, as I draw my Wilkinson Sword! Mrs Dragon: Not a pork sword? Prince Charming: This is all getting very inter-furcational. Mrs Dragon: Oh no, I can't believe it's not butter! Prince Charming: Oh yes, it is available at this low low price for one week only at your local Tesco. Dragon: Shut up, you two. You can't slay me with a razor, however well manufactured, you silly prince! I'll burn you alive with my fiery breath! Mrs Dragon: That's very unhealthy, dear; you should let me use my George Foreman Lean Mean Grilling Machine on him. Though, you know, love, you could do with a shave ... Dragon: (strokes his chin) I suppose you're right. There's enough Whiskas here to feed an army of even the choosiest cats. Tell you what, prince boy, you give me a shave and I'll promise to lay off pillaging the kingdom for at least a decade. There's plenty of wild sheep and goats in the Eastern Mountains I could eat. Prince Charming: But that's a ridiculous plan! What will everyone back at the castle think when I tell them? Mrs Dragon: Oh, Prince Charming, ridicule is nothing -- [Curtain comes down as fast as possible to avert impending musical number] | Dennis Waterman: Pantomime? Jeremy Rent: Yes, Dennis, pantomime. Dennis Waterman: Not telly then? Jeremy Rent: No. Dennis Waterman: Are they going to have a theme toon for the pantomime? Is that why they want me? Write the theme toon, sing the theme toon ... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xiii) Sound charaded any good films lately? the previous P wedded to the non-theatrical elements of G | [Martha] Is your sound charade To Kill a (Tequila) Mockingbird? Or something else to do with spirits? [Tuj] I was disappointed by Reloaded, to the extent that I haven't even bothered to see Revolutions, though I'm sure I'll catch it eventually. (Your embedded sound charade is Ben Hur, I take it?) Tell you what, though, I'm looking forward to seeing this film (four words) when it comes out in a few weeks: Minotaur: Hi Medusa! You're looking stunning, at least as far as I can tell from my mirror. Medusa: Thanks! You're looking fairly horny yourself. But if I'm looking good, it's probably because I've just been to see Polyphemus. Minotaur: Oh, yes, he's set himself up in business as a hairdresser since that unfortunate business with Odysseus, hasn't he? Medusa: He's remarkably good at it considering his blindness, but of course that suits me. Anyway, my hair had been floppy and lifeless, and it turned out to be because most of the snakes had snuffed it. But he chopped them all off and the remaining ones look much healthier. Minotaur: So you're saying you've been ...? | April: Mental block? Extra strong mint! Neville: Er, I don't think extra strong mints can help with sound charades ... | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xiv) Jet Set Willy I'll try to bring this furcation back in one piece, Q | The Banyan Tree | Daffyd: Jet Set Willy? What's that supposed to mean, eh? We don't want your sort around here! Everyone knows I am the only gay in Llandewi Brefi. | |||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
| xv) Small Hypearthquakes previous furcation R, now with added recap |
| Sebastian: The Pope seems to be taking most of the heat from the papers today, Prime Minister! That must be a relief, they're so awful to you normally. I think you're wonderful, though, Prime Minister. The best Prime Minister ever! |
Anyone perplexed by furcation xi), just play Covent Garden or Perivale.
Wow! Many thanks for breathing some new life into the game. Having brought the amount of theatrical stuff down to a level I can actually cope with, I may consider re-entering the fray...
It's also just become clear how difficult Small Hypearthquakes is to finish...
Brendan] Quite excellently done! Furcations ix) and xi) I like particularly! May the game flourish once more!
It looks like I've not got much on over the Easter Weekend, so maybe I'll concoct an entry.
But then maybe I went walking instead :)
Could someone explain the HTML of this game to a humble brain such as I?
[ZK] It's beyond anything I would have the time to produce, but if you want to see how it works: right click on the page, select 'view source' and then play around with what that gives you.
[ZK] The main thing is the use of tables, which unfortunately is the one thing Dr Qu+xum's excellent HTML reference doesn't cover, despite its abundant use of them. I wrote a Perl script to generate the empty table, and then filled it in with the moves, but then I'm sad like that. Quite happy to provide you with a bespoke empty table if you like. (Can you tell I'm looking for work avoidance excuses?)
Very quick introduction:
Slightly more advanced stuff: The
Very quick introduction:
<table> starts a table, <tr> starts a row of a table and <td> starts an individual cell. As with most other tags inserting a slash in the appropriate place closes them off again. So a basic 2 row, 3 column table would be generated by:<table>
<tr>
<td>Cell 1</td><td>Cell 2</td><td>Cell 3</td>
</tr>
<tr>
<td>Cell 4</td><td>Cell 5</td><td>Cell 6</td>
</tr>
</table>
which produces:| Cell 1 | Cell 2 | Cell 3 |
| Cell 4 | Cell 5 | Cell 6 |
Slightly more advanced stuff: The
<table> tag can include attributes like border, cellpadding and so on, which produce various different effects; these are the same sort of things as color=red in a font tag. Also of note are the colspan and rowspan attributes which can be applied to the td tag -- eg <td colspan=2> would make the cell it applied to double size. You can specify a bgcolor, one of the mainstays of this game, and the width attribute which says how much of the table each column should take up -- I think percentages are best from the point of view of cross-browser compatibility. And finally, this is the HTMLHelp.com entry on tables where they probably explain everything much better than I can.