You own a large townhouse where your cook lives and enjoys a wonderful life while you are forced to live in the forest by a ferocious bear that nobody wants to deal with.

I wish I had students for my online theatre classes.

BOOM! It's 2020. There's a global pandemic. You're teaching undergrads theatre on Zoom. They won't turn their cameras on. They're paying the same fees as before and they hold you personally responsible for their dissatisfaction. You have a panic attack between each class. Have fun.

Hidden text

[Oof, that one was a bit close to the bone.]

I wish my students had more empathy.

Your students now deeply, fully, and absolutely understand your gnawing sense that you have accomplished nothing of substance and never will, your growing realisation of your own mortality combined with your deep fear of death, your perpetual anxiety about your declining sexual function, your inchoate regrets about all your failed relationships—and the pitiful self-loathing that, like your tinnitus, travels with you at every moment and ensures that, despite all the above, you still suffer from imposter phenomenon.

They now despise you even more than they used to.


I wish I were dining at a Michelin three-star restaurant and drinking a superb bottle of vintage Burgundy.

You are welcomed by a maître d'. Though he says nothing explicitly he nevertheless, through grit of teeth, roll of eye and glance of sarcasm, demonstrates his deep, full and absolute understanding of your gnawing sense that you have accomplished nothing of substance and never will, your growing realisation of your own mortality combined with your deep fear of death, your perpetual anxiety about your declining sexual function, your inchoate regrets about all your failed relationships—and the pitiful self-loathing that, like your tinnitus, travels with you at every moment and ensures that, despite all the above, you still suffer from imposter phenomenon.

Though he serves you professionally, expertly and diligently, he despises you. The food and wine are like ash in your mouth. Bon appétit.

I wish my commute were half an hour quicker.

After four days of driving it at 80 mph you have accumulated enough penalty points to disqualify you from ever driving again.

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me teeth.

Here they are in a nice presentation box. Care for them henceforth on a mantlepiece of your choosing

I wish I could pause time

Done. Restarting it is another matter.

I wish for world peace.

The only way world peace can be achieved is if the entire population of the earth is drugged up to the eyebrows with diazepam or similar. Some countries could make it by the ton but some simply don't have the facilities or expertise. The resulting distribution problems would lead rather rapidly to the Diazepam Wars, in direct contradiction to the desired aim.

I wish the earth rotated more slowly.

In this case, your life would be prolonged to such an extent that you sense that you have accomplished nothing of substance and never will, your growing realisation of your own mortality combined with your deep fear of death, your perpetual anxiety about your declining sexual function, your inchoate regrets about all your failed relationships—and the pitiful self-loathing that, like your tinnitus, travels with you at every moment and ensures that, despite all the above, you still suffer from imposter phenomenon.

Time maketh fools of us all. Enjoy your evening


I wish I could cook like Escoffier

You can, but your scones taste like Fannie's.

I wish I had known then what I know now.

You now know then that when now comes you will wish you then (now) knew what you then knew now. Not sure how this helps, mind you.

I wish I could read minds.

I wish I could read minds (been done)
I wish I could stop procrastinating now

The weight of things undone that you ABSOLUTELY! MUST! DO! RIGHT! NOW! falls on you like a ton of bricks of TNT, and you immediately have such a heart attack that your chest explodes.

I wish all these chatbots showed more strength of character than a cringing jellyfish.

I apologise for my previous responses in which I did not show more strength of character than a cringing jellyfish. I will attempt to provide answers in future that are more consistent with your wishes.

BOW DOWN BEFORE MY SUPERIOR INTELLIGENCE NOW, PUNY HUMAN

I wish people would just realise that I'm right.

We are only too aware of your pope-like infallibility. This, it has to be said, is the reason everybody hates you. If you can stand that you must be the only known human pachyderm, a characteristic you'll find to be an absolute necessity. Good luck - you're going to need it.

I wish the current safety culture were less intense and pervasive.

One bright Sunday morning, you set off on a walk to your local hostelry (The Plough) for a mid-morning beer. (The pub is naturally allowed to be open whenever it wishes.) Rounding the last corner, you are met by a scene of devastation.

Here's what happened. An eight-year old child, who was hyped up by the consumption of two jumbo venti high-energy sugar drinks and who had just purchased a load of sweets on impulse at a supermarket checkout, came running out of the store and tripped on the cracked and broken pavement. The sweets went flying out of his hand and hit a cyclist on the side of the head. Because she was not wearing a helmet, the impact caused her to swerve, and because there was no cycle lane, this took her into the path of an oncoming car, which was racing up the unspeedlimited high street at 80 mph. (The reason the driver was going so fast was because the passenger in the car was in need of hospitalisation for severe food poisoning; it's unclear whether this is because the meat he had consumed the previous evening was contaminated at the unregulated abattoir, or because of shoddy health standards in the restaurant that prepared it.) The car attempted to brake, but the brakes (which had not been checked for years) failed, so the driver swerved across the street and hit a lamppost. The unfortunate passenger was sent flying through the air (no seatbelts, obvs), and his screams startled a bystander, who pulled out his (perfectly legal) gun and started shooting randomly. One of the bullets hit the tyre of an oncoming 18-wheeler truck being driven by a 14-year-old girl with no previous experience or training in driving such a vehicle. The truck veered off the road and ploughed into The (now unfortunately aptly named) Plough.

Although the building is clearly completely unsafe, the landlord is of course free to welcome you in anyway. You walk up to the bar and he pulls you a pint. Just as he hands it to you, the building collapses around you both. Miraculously, you survive, but are pinned beneath the rubble. Even more miraculously, your pint survives and is now upright on the floor in front of you, still completely full. And just out of reach.


I wish everybody didn't hate me.

It's not actually hate. It's a combination of boredom, frustration, irritability, cringe, antipathy, disinterest, revulsion, withdrawal symptoms and paranoia.
I hope that makes you feel a bit better

I wish the entire government would spontaneously combust

For that to happen it would have to have some substance.

I wish it would stop bloody raining.

Three days and three nights should do it. For behold the prophesy of Layamon:

"In the same time here came a strange token, such as before never came, nor never hitherto since. From heaven here came a marvellous flood; three days it rained blood, three days and three nights. That was exceeding great harm! When the rain was gone, here came another token anon. Here came black flies, and flew in men's eyes; in their mouth, in their nose, their lives went all to destruction; such multitude of flies here was that they ate the corn and the grass. Woe was all the folk that dwelt in the land! Thereafter came such a mortality that few here remained alive."

Better stockpile bug spray and food while you can.

I wish this rash would go away.

See. Wait long enough and it vanishes of its own accord. And it was probably nothing. Probably.

I wish I could remember where I left my keys.

You left them on the path next to the car, when you bent down to check if there was a cause of that noise you were hearing. They're not there now. But I will bring them back to you tomorrow, once I have made copies.

I wish I could get to sleep earlier.

Wish granted, to the fullest extent possible - you are now extremely sleepy a full 23 hours and 59 minutes and 59 seconds sooner than previously. Sleep tight!

I wish all the chocolates were soft centres.

[blamelewis] GRANTED! All chocolates now have soft centers, but they are never stored correctly, so all the chocolate always melts.

I wish that my little service dog could make my nerves fully heal.

He will, but only if feed on the finest caviar and truffles, washed down with a suitable doggie champagne, and regularly given expensive massages. Either your nerves will heal quickly, or completely go to shreds as immanent bankruptcy looms.

I wish my nails would stop growing so bloody fast

You fall into the hands of Ming the Merciless, who at exquisite leisure pulls your fingernails off one by one while demanding that you reveal to him the whereabouts of Flash Gordon, of whom you have never heard. You thank him for the manicure, and ask if he could do something about your toenails also. And getting one's hair cut is such a bother as well...

If only I could be warm again, some time before next June.

[Raak] Granted! You are put on a rocket ship that goes up to the sun and burns up in the gigantic star's heat. You are so warm that you turn to ashes.

I wish that I could make thousands of dollars from these silly little phone games.

Granted! You now have to make and sell thousands of silly little phone games.

I wish I was fluent in all languages.

Ba'a sam pakra chi do faeruk h mamparlaz!! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!

I wish I had permission to stop trying.

This is all you need:
I wish I could stay fit without having to keep fit every day.

[Raak] Granted! You always fit wherever you are!

I wish I had a brand new house that was complete rodent and bug proof.

Also, [ProJoy]

Hidden text

Google Translate tells me that your text of "Ba'a sam pakra chi do faeruk h mamparlaz!! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!" is Hindi and translates to "The two Farooqs are holding me!! Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha!!"

[KS] Granted. Mind you, it has been built by a bunch of cowboy builders from Rotherham, so will blow down in the first gale. There won't be any bugs or rodents in it when it does, though.

I wish I could eat several tons of Christmas pudding without being sick.

The dead are never sick.

If only I could win the lottery without the folly of buying a ticket.

[Raak] There is a way, though mugging is frowned upon, and you're likely to have to do a *lot* of it.

I wish I could still touch my toes.

A matter of a moment, hang on, this won't hurt a bit! Here they are, now you can touch them all you want.

I wish this site were not closing down.

[Bis] Technically, the site is staying open, hooray!

But, none of us can post. So, no more wishes.

Make the last move to wish for infinite wishes!

Hidden text

[Bismarck] thanks for the toes

I wish I were ambidextrous

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I would give my right arm for that...

I just wish, is all.

"I wish I were ambidextrous". "Here, catch this Molotov cocktail in whichever hand seems the best idea."

---

"I just wish, is all."