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Limerick Showcase
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A chance for players to showcase whole limericks for amusement & edification. Standard winning move for the purposes of euthanasia.
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The crack of doom threatens this world
So life to the stars must be hurled
Fire, asteroid, ice
'Tis a mere roll of dice
Let's escape; to its fate leave this world.
Shall I liken thee to a spring day?
You surpass all the sweet buds of May
For life, death's the fee
But while men breathe and see
These words shall your due date allay.
There was a young lady named Grager
Who as the result of a wager
Consented to fart
The entire cello part
Of Schubert's Quintet in C major

Possibly my favourite musical limerick
Inspired by Raak:

I wandered, alone, as a cloud
Floating high, till I spotted a crowd
Of gold daffodils
By lake, and on hills
Did I really say "That's nice!" out loud?

Apologies to W. Wordsworth

Through the valley of death they all rode
Cannons thund'ring, their fate did forebode
Storm'd by shot and by shell
They rode boldly and well
But when they asked why, no-one knowed.
Don't go gentle into that night
Rage, rage, 'gainst the dying of light
Father, don't slip away
Curse and bless me, I pray
'Cause tomorrow you might feel alright
I made a new world in six days
Planted men, but they went their own ways
I sent them damnation
Then offered salvation
If only they'll sing in my praise.
My love's like a rose, oh so red
Like a melody, stuck in my head
E'er in love am I
Till the seas turn dry
I'd walk ten thousand miles to your bed
When Adam first stood before Eve
She found it was hard to believe
That his bone could bring life
So he showed his new wife
Just how easy it was to conceive.
Nec tamen, nec zonam tamentes
Dulci vacuint spere ad lentes
Juvator lex sit
Sed in spem ilex fit
Quamquam Titus ab Philo volentes.
If only we'd world 'nuff and time
This coyness, my dear, were no crime
But since I can hear
Time's winged footsteps draw near
Let's get on with it -- your place or mine?
[Raak] Excellent - struggling to translate the latin one though :(
My mistress' eyes ain't like the sun
Such simile's much overdone
For I need no hyperbole
To love her superbole—
Without it, she's just as much fun
Splendid, all. Keep going! I might have a go when I find more time.
[Phil] There's a reason for that...
My true love's first present to me
Was a partridge upon a pear tree
By the end of the season
He'd gone past all reason
Who'll remove this brouhaha from me?
I wrote these two Yeatsian ones a few years ago; I forget what prompted them. Note: The correct pronunciation of Parnell puts the stress on the first syllable.

Come drink to a proud man called Parnell
As mourning bells ring out their far knell
None purer, nor fairer,
Than his love for Eire—
Than his love for Kit, none more carnal
 I once loved a lady named Maud
Gone away now with a fraud
I’ll sing my confusions
With classic allusions
And stop quick before you get bored
[Raak]
Hidden textAh, is it as much gibberish as it seems?

We three Kings of Orient are
With gifts we have travelled afar
Through field and past fountain
'Cross moor and o'er mountain
We're following that bloody star!

O wondrous great star of the night
Your beauty is royal and bright
Your route westward leading
You keep on proceeding
O when can we stop for a sh*te?
[Phil]
Hidden textExactly so!
[Phil] May I append the Kiwi version?

We Three Kings of Orient are
one in a taxi, one in a car
one on a scooter, tooting his hooter
Following yonder star.

O, star of wonder, star of light,
Star of beauty she'll be right
Star of glory, that's the story,
Following yonder star.
And thanks be to St Spike of Milligan, for this: sung to "San Francisco":

I left my heart in San Francisco
I left by knees in Buenos Aires
I left my little wooden leg
in downtown Winnipeg
I left my knees in Leicester Square

I left my teeth on Table Mountain
High on a hill
They smile at me
When I get back to San Francisco
There won't be much of me to see
The boy on the burning deck stood
Whence all had departed that could
He waited to hear
His father make clear
He could go -- but it did him no good.
To write dirty limericks you need
Dictionaries in which you will read
Dirty words that will match
A word rhyming with "snatch"
If you’re filthy like us you'll succeed!
We sailed so nice in a gentle breeze
Sun was setting and life was at ease
You were humming a song,
But not before long,
You were fast asleep, head on my knees.
When I see her my soul flies anew.
Oh tell me, just what must I do?
Should I finally mention,
My lifelong intention
Which was strigine; to whit, to woo!
How you twinkle, up there in the sky
I know not what you are, neither why
Like a diamond at night
You're tiny but bright
And till sunrise, you ne'er shut your eye.
I posted something like this one a long time ago, somewhere in the Morniverse:
For the crown that is rightfully mine
I shall poison my uncle's best wine
When he shuffles off
Past that dread bourne whereof
None return, I'll at his table dine.
I'll sing, "Happy Birthday to You"
And repeat, "Happy Birthday to You"
Whatever your name
The song sounds the same
"Happy Birthday to you". Yes, to you!
Half a pound of tuppenny rice
Half a pound of treacle
That's the way the money goes –
Unexpected item in the bagging area
May God save our wonderful Queen!
May God save our wonderful Queen!
May God save our Queen!
May God save our Queen!
May God save our wonderful Queen!
According to my late father, a school music teacher, a lot of the children only knew two lines of "God Save The Queen": "God save our gracious Queen" and "God save the Queen". You can sing the whole thing with just those.
Although all the lassies protest,
They love when you’re kissing their breast,
And caress, ‘you know what’,
While you’re rubbing their butt,
Then they let you go South heading West.
A golfer once said to his caddy,
“You know that I could be your daddy,
Cause I courted your ma,
When I caddied your pa,
Though to score was your own Uncle Paddy.”
Her stern was much wider than her aft
Though her starbord side looked like a raft
But the width of her gunwales
And fill of her mainsails
Made her deepness the same as her draught
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