My solar plexus stops working when the sun goes in.

All cows are called Colin.

This is how "Colindale" got its name.

All pigs are called Birmingham.

. . . except me.

All chickens have one purple feather just under their left wingpit

I used to own a walking stick which was fluent in fourteen languages. Unfortunately, none of them was English, so I encouraged it to follow an academic career at Leeds University, where it is now a staff professor.

groan.
The equator is far from being an imaginary line -- it is, in fact, the seam where the top half of the Earth unscrews. The interior is used to store fudge.

There is no such thing as pie.

Chain-link fences are woven by large mechanical spiders..

I store a large jug of platypus milk in my hat, just in case of emergencies.

Dunx] My walking stick was crap - it limped.

I suffer from an acute phobia of spignurtles, although fortunately these are not due to be invented until the year 2178.

I am not an American.

I worked at the white House in the 90's. I have the distinction of being the only woman there that Bill Clinton did not hit on. I have to have therapy, as a result.

[Tina]Yes, I remember you from your antics in the ante-room.

Thyme heals all wounds.

Tina] What an amazing coincidence! I also worked at the White House in the 90's. Sadly I had to leave office in January 2001 – after having hit on every woman in my employment except one.

Many people have scoffed at Secretary-of-State and former general Colin Powell for pronouncing his forename with the long 'o' sound, but it is actually a homage to the fact that he has discovered he is descended from one of Louis Pasteur's original specimens of E-Coli. George W. Bush's great-great-great grandfather was actually a sneeze from George Washington's horse.

There is no such thing as America

Chalk is actually fossilized snow.

Riff - you have a poor sense of humour. I am not glad you are posting here.

I'm glad Bob hasn't posted anything about a small mammalian superhero lately.

[Bob] Your words offend me greatly; I rue the day I came here.

Atop the Rotunda, overlooking the dilapidated and crumbling 1960s concrete Bull Ring arcade, evil Birmingham city centre development engineers plot a complete redevelopment of the entire West Midlands into the worlds biggest handbag-shaped shopping experience. Could this be another job for "Planning objection Gerbil"?

I can remember the amusing comment I was going to post here earlier. I don't think it was about IDS.

I discovered America. It happened quite by accident when I was searching the freezer for ice cream.

Mericas come in packs of twenty from you local corner shop. Buy a merica today!

I smoked a Merica once, but I don't remember how it tasted.

A Merica (vintage 2001-present) does not have a taste akin to a pile of cowsh*t.

Amazingly, cowsh*t tastes rather like strawberries.

I wouldn't know, but I'll defer to those who do.

The word 'defecate' is one which should never, ever, be used in print.

"Print" is a word that should never be spoken.

'Print' is a basic function that all computers master first time, and never have any problem with.

Sports commentators go to special schools where they are taught how to form metaphors.

I am not going to post the sentence "I've never metaphor I didn't like".

... as the mathematician said to the slide rule.

I know exactly what I am going to demo in ninety minutes, so I'll just spend a few minutes in here so I am a bit more relaxed.

I meant to do that.

When I interned at the White House, Hillary Clinton and I spent many careless Sunday afternoons sitting lotus style on the bed in the Lincoln room, playing gin rummy, smoking cigars, and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

In Australia 'peanut butter' is synonymous with 'Vegemite^TM' and tastes exactly the same.

The Japanese parliament consists entirely of little robot dogs.

If you peel an onion layer by layer and then put the layers back together in the reverse order you will create an area of space time which Frenchmen and the influence of France cannot penetrate. In this manner you can be near a peeled onion and feel no tears in your eyes at all.

<lie>Halloween is a holiday that is based around embracing scary things, particularly those involving Michael Portillo, the Daily Telegraph, Kenneth Clarke and the mythical Michael Howard. Ghosts, witches, black cats, goblins, banshees zombies, and demons, as well as Dracula and Frankenstein flee in terror on Halloween, when these strange figures are said to rise from the dead. </lie>

George W. Bush will be dressing up as his father tonight and going door to door begging for candy.

Dick Cheney will actually be dressing up as Hans Blix and going rubble-pile to rubble-pile in Tikrit begging for weapons of mass destruction. If he gets any, he'll put them in his secret lair under Pikes Peak.

The road to the top of Pike's Peak is the safest in America and may be driven at high speed with impunity.

You are the only person who can read this. Everyone else thinks it's a picture of the Eiffel Tower.

The Eiffel Tower was built by specially trained miniature french poodles. They were all worked to death, which is why they are now extinct.

I enjoy Halloween - especially having eggs thrown at my window, which I intend to use at a later date for mousaka.

I love Hallowe'en too. I spend the night of October 31st every year sitting atop the Eiffel Tower, talking to the ghosts of the miniature poodles, and launching eggs at Angus Prune's window with my ICBE launcher.

I alse threw eggs at Angus Prune, but missed every time.

Nicholas Parsons merely has to smile at them to heal damaged houseplants.

It is impossible to draw a picture of Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.

It is impossible to draw a picture on Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.

*SNAP* !
My feet are loger than my shins.

LONGER

My fridge is completely full, and I have plenty of money. </whinge>

The quickest way to Birmingham is through the middle of the roadworks on the M6 in rush hour.

The quickest way to Birmingham is to seek enlightenment as a combination cub scout/Buddhist monk, and then get earn a badge in Divinity. Ascend to Nirvana, and turn left.

I am so wonderful at my job, that people dare not look directly at me. Or it could be my lack of sleep.

Sleep is so useless that I never bother using it.

RE: Business Proposal/Partnership Investment

Dear Friend,
I received encouraging information about you and how trust worth you are. I am delighted with such a useful information. I am interested in the partnership investment program with your corporation. First permit me to introduce myself as Governor Sandy Soko of the Western Sahara State in the Democratic Republic of Sahara (A tiny Island in the Desert). Being the chief executive and the governor of my State. I awarded the contract of IRRIGATION to Portuguese Firm worth several millions of dollars.

In the execution of that project the Portuguese Firm discovered large amount of gold in one of the contract site. I collaborated with the Portuguese Firm on a mutual agreement on the proceed of which I have received my share of $65.000,000=(sixty five million dollars).

As the Governor of the Tiny Island, I cannot introduce or circulate this funds into the Sahara banking system considering my provisional duty and the considering the fact that I earn less than $1,000US dollars monthly coupled with the Bureau of conduct guidelines and regulations for Public Civil Servants.

The above situation prompted my decision to give the whole lot to you. I will arrange all necessary procedures. You will find the money in a brown envelope, sellotaped to the plastic giraffe in the children’s play area of Exeter service station.

Best Regards,
Governor Sandy Soko
Western Sahara.

A family of plastic giraffes have just moved in to a mansion just down the road from me.

Ian Duncan Smith is to be plasted into orbit, from where his head will reflect enough sunlight to reduce coldness of the polar night, thereby allowing the polar bears to stay up later and practice football.

s/plasted/blasted/

< lie=" this isn't a shameless crib from Carpe Diem" > The Jedi Gerbil Collective are on a mission to convert the entire meerkat population to Jedi-ism. < /lie >

I am not certifiable.

I feel great!

Buy me now, and get another free (while stocks last).

I have not just sat and read all of Bob the Dog's last post