Raak's comment didn't give me the heebie jeebies.

Lilith Hebden-Bowles was a celebrated monkey parlour singer in the forties, and was ground down and converted into sheet music when she died.

Somewhere on a busy Wolverhampton freeway a Cadburys tanker has shed its load of Crème Egg filler, halting the progress of a chilled juggernaut carrying an express consignment of penguins for Dudley Zoo. Could this be another job for "Traffic chinchilla"?

Bob the dog's next posting will have nothing to do with "Paramedic Shrew". ;)

. . . . and it won't include the words "jelly" and "foghorn".

Triangles don't have three sides. It's all a government conspiracy.

Gerbils are remarkable propagandists.

Hamsters are better because of their ability to pouch bad news.

Michael Parkinson is controlled using a sophisticated fly-by-wire system operated by Matthew Corbett.

I have never used a computer.

Parabolas are used in the hunting of free fall parachutists.

Somewhere in the orange scented tapestry booth behind Wesley's 'Bring and Break' emporium, "Paramedic Shrew" struggles to free herself from the clutches of an evil lime flavoured Jelly Foghorn. Could this be another job for "Surreal Anteater"?

[BtD] Obviously not.
Meanwhile, in other news, smoking has been proven good for you by scientists in Peru. They have also proved the existence of "Fnnergahl", but they haven't conclusively proven what it is yet.

My mum let me store tramps urine in my wardrobe, mind you I thought it was cider until I drank it. It tasted a lot better than cider.

Humpty Dumpty jumped off the wall because he was a crack addict.

According to the latest conspiracy theory the men belonging to the 'grand' old Duke of York did not return.

Marmosets taste of liquorice.

I haven't been missing Fat German's contributions to this game...
The French word for Germany is "Alopecia".

Bob the Dog's next posting will not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".

Kim's previous posting does not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".

I have never, and never intend to, use the word "Fruit".

Improper use of fruit in a built-up area contravenes the Ten Commandments.

Orange plantations on the boarders of Mt Kracatoa take advantage of natural geothermal energy to produce the world's first environmentally sustainable marmalade. However, this enerprise is threatened by a blockage of solidified rock that has caused the production to cease. This is probably a job for "Igneous Jaffa Marmoset".

Inserting a marmoset into an orange produces enough electricity to power a personal organiser.

I don't like this game. I'm not going to join in.

I'm not going home now.

The airbags in the new Rover 75 are made of the same material as Christopher Biggins.

Candyfloss is the best insulator for lofts.

In sh*t the * is pronounced uh.

I have Lord Byron's bicycle. It looks exactly like a book called "Java in a Nutshell", but that is a merely accidental property, its fundamental essence being that of Lord Byron's bicycle. It has previously been a terrapin living in Smolensk, a cigar smoked by Churchill, and the Pope's third-best mitre.

<singing>
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle, I want to ride Lord Byron's bike.
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle!, I want to ride it where I like!
</singing>
I promise never to sing in here again.

In Thailand, squirrel kebabs doused in Ovaltine are the official snacks consumed by the upper class. They also spit on their own toenails for good luck.

I am Spartacus

COnventional museum display techniques have this week been lambasted by the Internation Conference of Curators. The conference broke up with a determination by all delegates that henceforth they will put the biggest thing at the bottom then put something slightly smaller on top of that, and so on, until they reach the ceiling.

There are only 10 insects in the whole world, it's all done with mirrors.

The following is a good way to keep fit at work and is an excellent method for attracting a potential husband/wife.

1) Tune your radio or PC tuner to BBC Radio 2 and wait for the next light tune to start
2) Stand next to your radio or PC, feet apart, knees bent, back straight 3) Slowly tip your head from side to side
4) After about 30 seconds, gradually raise your arms to shoulder height, fists clenched
5) Keeping your arms raised, wiggle your little fingers in time with the music
6) Screw up your face making sure to pucker your mouth (think ‘dog’s bottom’)
7) Being careful to keep your face like this, sing the lyrics for ‘Wired for Sound’ by Cliff Richard (ignore the music on the radio)
8) Start to move around the room, knees bent, elbows waggling with your little fingers
9) At the end of the music, raise your arms over your head and shout ‘YEAH!’.

I am not wearing a gnome's hat and ears, attached by elastic under my chin.

'Tea and cucumber' is my favourite sandwich filler.

Suddenly I find that I no longer fear for Tuj' sanity.

Halloween derives from the ancient custom of introducing yourselves to your neighbours as winter draws in so that anyone who is new to the area following the summer's inevitable house churn will have someone to talk to over the long cold season.

Pumpkins are elastic and can be expanded by vigorous inflation with a bicycle pump.

The rare orange pumpkin is considered a delicacy in certain parts of the USA, when it is eaten raw with a sprinkling of anchovy. The more common purple pumpkin is only edible when combined with jalapeno peppers and a small amount of carob paste to make rissoles.

Pumpkin carving only became popular in Latvia after it was discovered to ward against the visits of Jehovah's Witnesses.

I have a giant pumpkin for a head. I need to carve out eyes for myself every morning because they heal over when I go to sleep.

That was too disturbing - I shan't post anything more about pumpkins now.

Pumpkins are just a large form of nutmeg which arose after colonists attempted to interbreed that delicious spice with plains buffalo in order to have pre-tenderised meat. Wild pumpkin herds are almost extinct now, though, following a devastating outbreak of rind and pip disease.

My mother uses a pumpkin as a bowling ball. It tends to leak a bit on its way down the lane, but it makes for a delicious snack as it is served up by the ball return machine.

Plenty more where those came from!

Pumpkins are giant amoebæ with bad cholesterol.

I am the Queen.

I am a Queen.

We are the Queen

We are the champions

...of the Commonwealth... (thank you TBT)

...Games.

Scientific high-vacuum equipment rely on colonies of microscopic vacuum squirrels, that gather and horde the molecules from the air.

I tried to manage a haunted house once, but could only eek out a living.

I have never eeked in my life and even peeking is not in my nature.

It is now an hour earlier than you think it is (UK only).

I am Tiger Woods

I am one of Tiger Woods' woods.

My digital camera has got five fingers. For recreational purposes, it regularly visits Harrods and indulges in a little light pick-pocketing.

My dog is well behaved and has never de-carpeted the entire hallway.

Rip Torn was a carpet salesman; he sold snakes.

To render the stunning special effects sequences for the Matrix trilogy, FX production company ESC used 12 Commodore 64's located in a custom built facility in San Fransisco. Each machine generated frames that were stored, in compressed form, on a 5 1/4 inch floppy disk. The resulting 632,000 disks were subsequently airlifted to a second facility for the final composite work. The rendering process at the San-Fransisco facility took 12 years.

I thought the Matrix Sequel was well worth watching.

Diamond Geezers are a girl's best friend.