Michael Parkinson is controlled using a sophisticated fly-by-wire system operated by Matthew Corbett.

I have never used a computer.

Parabolas are used in the hunting of free fall parachutists.

Somewhere in the orange scented tapestry booth behind Wesley's 'Bring and Break' emporium, "Paramedic Shrew" struggles to free herself from the clutches of an evil lime flavoured Jelly Foghorn. Could this be another job for "Surreal Anteater"?

[BtD] Obviously not.
Meanwhile, in other news, smoking has been proven good for you by scientists in Peru. They have also proved the existence of "Fnnergahl", but they haven't conclusively proven what it is yet.

My mum let me store tramps urine in my wardrobe, mind you I thought it was cider until I drank it. It tasted a lot better than cider.

Humpty Dumpty jumped off the wall because he was a crack addict.

According to the latest conspiracy theory the men belonging to the 'grand' old Duke of York did not return.

Marmosets taste of liquorice.

I haven't been missing Fat German's contributions to this game...
The French word for Germany is "Alopecia".

Bob the Dog's next posting will not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".

Kim's previous posting does not include the words "jaffa", "igneous", or "Marmoset".

I have never, and never intend to, use the word "Fruit".

Improper use of fruit in a built-up area contravenes the Ten Commandments.

Orange plantations on the boarders of Mt Kracatoa take advantage of natural geothermal energy to produce the world's first environmentally sustainable marmalade. However, this enerprise is threatened by a blockage of solidified rock that has caused the production to cease. This is probably a job for "Igneous Jaffa Marmoset".

Inserting a marmoset into an orange produces enough electricity to power a personal organiser.

I don't like this game. I'm not going to join in.

I'm not going home now.

The airbags in the new Rover 75 are made of the same material as Christopher Biggins.

Candyfloss is the best insulator for lofts.

In sh*t the * is pronounced uh.

I have Lord Byron's bicycle. It looks exactly like a book called "Java in a Nutshell", but that is a merely accidental property, its fundamental essence being that of Lord Byron's bicycle. It has previously been a terrapin living in Smolensk, a cigar smoked by Churchill, and the Pope's third-best mitre.

<singing>
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle, I want to ride Lord Byron's bike.
I want to ride Lord Byron's bicycle!, I want to ride it where I like!
</singing>
I promise never to sing in here again.

In Thailand, squirrel kebabs doused in Ovaltine are the official snacks consumed by the upper class. They also spit on their own toenails for good luck.

I am Spartacus

COnventional museum display techniques have this week been lambasted by the Internation Conference of Curators. The conference broke up with a determination by all delegates that henceforth they will put the biggest thing at the bottom then put something slightly smaller on top of that, and so on, until they reach the ceiling.

There are only 10 insects in the whole world, it's all done with mirrors.

The following is a good way to keep fit at work and is an excellent method for attracting a potential husband/wife.

1) Tune your radio or PC tuner to BBC Radio 2 and wait for the next light tune to start
2) Stand next to your radio or PC, feet apart, knees bent, back straight 3) Slowly tip your head from side to side
4) After about 30 seconds, gradually raise your arms to shoulder height, fists clenched
5) Keeping your arms raised, wiggle your little fingers in time with the music
6) Screw up your face making sure to pucker your mouth (think ‘dog’s bottom’)
7) Being careful to keep your face like this, sing the lyrics for ‘Wired for Sound’ by Cliff Richard (ignore the music on the radio)
8) Start to move around the room, knees bent, elbows waggling with your little fingers
9) At the end of the music, raise your arms over your head and shout ‘YEAH!’.

I am not wearing a gnome's hat and ears, attached by elastic under my chin.

'Tea and cucumber' is my favourite sandwich filler.

Suddenly I find that I no longer fear for Tuj' sanity.

Halloween derives from the ancient custom of introducing yourselves to your neighbours as winter draws in so that anyone who is new to the area following the summer's inevitable house churn will have someone to talk to over the long cold season.

Pumpkins are elastic and can be expanded by vigorous inflation with a bicycle pump.

The rare orange pumpkin is considered a delicacy in certain parts of the USA, when it is eaten raw with a sprinkling of anchovy. The more common purple pumpkin is only edible when combined with jalapeno peppers and a small amount of carob paste to make rissoles.

Pumpkin carving only became popular in Latvia after it was discovered to ward against the visits of Jehovah's Witnesses.

I have a giant pumpkin for a head. I need to carve out eyes for myself every morning because they heal over when I go to sleep.

That was too disturbing - I shan't post anything more about pumpkins now.

Pumpkins are just a large form of nutmeg which arose after colonists attempted to interbreed that delicious spice with plains buffalo in order to have pre-tenderised meat. Wild pumpkin herds are almost extinct now, though, following a devastating outbreak of rind and pip disease.

My mother uses a pumpkin as a bowling ball. It tends to leak a bit on its way down the lane, but it makes for a delicious snack as it is served up by the ball return machine.

Plenty more where those came from!

Pumpkins are giant amoebæ with bad cholesterol.

I am the Queen.

I am a Queen.

We are the Queen

We are the champions

...of the Commonwealth... (thank you TBT)

...Games.

Scientific high-vacuum equipment rely on colonies of microscopic vacuum squirrels, that gather and horde the molecules from the air.

I tried to manage a haunted house once, but could only eek out a living.

I have never eeked in my life and even peeking is not in my nature.

It is now an hour earlier than you think it is (UK only).

I am Tiger Woods

I am one of Tiger Woods' woods.

My digital camera has got five fingers. For recreational purposes, it regularly visits Harrods and indulges in a little light pick-pocketing.

My dog is well behaved and has never de-carpeted the entire hallway.

Rip Torn was a carpet salesman; he sold snakes.

To render the stunning special effects sequences for the Matrix trilogy, FX production company ESC used 12 Commodore 64's located in a custom built facility in San Fransisco. Each machine generated frames that were stored, in compressed form, on a 5 1/4 inch floppy disk. The resulting 632,000 disks were subsequently airlifted to a second facility for the final composite work. The rendering process at the San-Fransisco facility took 12 years.

I thought the Matrix Sequel was well worth watching.

Diamond Geezers are a girl's best friend.

I do not have to go to work soon.

[Tuj] I am always an hour earlier than you think.

Rather than reset my clocks and video, I just moved the sun forward 15 degrees in the sky.

Boolbar] My sun won't do this. You have to wind it back a complete year until you end up at the right time.

The old analogue sun was replaced in March this year. If you look carefully, you will notice that the sun now moves in 1 degree jumps.

[FG] You're kidding! It was dreadful!
I run my the power of the moon, so during the daytime I have to sleep in a coffin to avoid the harmful sun.

I, too, run by the power of the moon. I have a small diesel generator in my arse.

I'm currently retrofitting it to run off methane, so that I can eat a bowl of chili and sell the remaining wattage.

It's not so much that my hovercraft is full of eels, as that the eels just won't let go of the steering.

It's not so much that I want you to come back to my place bouncy-bouncy, it's just that there's nowhere around here to park the space-hopper.

What would Brian Boitano do? It almost certainly would involve Harris Tweed.

Euphemisms have been outlawed in 30% of Chechnya.

Nell Gwyn's place in history would have been assured if she'd accepted the marriage proposal of either Alexander Graham Bell or Colin Sell. She died, however, content in the knowledge that she'd been immortalised in the opening line of Gray's Elegy.

My boyfriend constantly complains. We're going out tonight for an evening of whining and dining.