Captain Titus Oates came back in a few minutes later and said, 'Blimey it's a bit nippy out there, I best take me coat'.

Somewhere in the sprawling metropolis - in his secret laboratory - an evil wrongdoer is hatching a dark plot to become the queen and rule the world. Could this be another job for “Security Hamster”?

Yes.

Donald Rumsfeld has trained 30,000 security hamsters in the last three months.

By a remarkable co-incidence, 30,000 is also the my annual take-home pay.

30,000 is my annual take-home pay too. I am paid in groats.

I am paid in quarks, which makes me a multi-multi-trillionaire.

30,000 groats is worth about 50p in stirling, or 534,678 in Euros.

I am also paid in Quark, but I have run out of chilled storage space for any more processed cheese.

I come from a long-established line of mongers. My family have been mongers for as long as anyone can remember. My father is a fishmonger, his father was an ironmonger and his father before him was a costermonger. My mother was an accomplished rumour- and scandalmonger but the spin-doctor said she had to give it up on account of her back. I thought I would go into domainmongering but my dad says its a flash in the pan and the real money is in war.

The rise of Donald Rumsfeld was foretold by Nostradamus, the ancient Mayans, the Book of Revelations, and the 12th June 1973 edition of 'Womens Weekly'.

Somewhere in the unfashionable suburbs, an attractive and scantily clad female has been trapped in the attic of a burning warehouse as part of a plot to swindle her inheritance. Could this be a job for "Fire-fighter Guinea-pig"?

I am diary secretary to Fire-fighter Guinea-pig and I am working very hard for little pay.

Meanwhile in Cricklewood, the Fire-fighter Guinea-pig's arch-nemesis, the Combustible Shrew, is hatching a plot for his rival's demise. And his diary secretary gets paid a lot

Schopenhauer had forty-three ducks and enjoyed chasing them around a lake in a long Benny-Hill style line.

Each day I calculate my position in relation to BBC Broadcasting House using Pythagorus' Theorem.

After being made redundant from Playschool, Hamble joined the police force and is now a detective inspector.