Rolf from The Muppets is generally considered the greatest classical pianist of the twentieth century.

Yellowstone Park is so called because many of the rocks there will scream blue murder if struck with a mallet.

Purbright is the centre of the Universe.

Everyone in Crewe is a Zoroastrian, but no-one has had the heart to tell them.

Seven-week old babies are quite happy to let you have a good night's sleep, as long as they are persuaded by sound, logical argument that it is the right thing for them to do. And they never shit all over you.

Seven weak, old babies just stole my shopping.

Seven wee cold babies are perfect for draft insultion.

Severn wake oiled babies should be carefully peeled before eating.

The Severn Bore is nevertheless more interesting than most politicians.

"Severn Wives For Severn Brothers" is the title of my new screenplay.

7 is the current number of weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq. As yet, none have been found in America.

7, contrary to popular misconception, is, in fact, the lonliest number.

7 is also carnivorous, for as we all know, 7 8 9

We also know that when three French cats, called Un, Deux and Trois, went out in a sailing boat and that boat struck a rock, Un, Deux, Trois cats sank.

The rising sea-level Cinque Ports.

Puns are impossible in French.

The Germans have no sense of humour

The whole country is gripped by the Conservative party conference.

I would never consider moving to Canada, especially if Arnold Schwarzenegger were elected to a major political position.

Canadians are well known for all dressing as Mounties all of the time.

Mounties are famous for standing around in groups singing songs about lumberjacks.

Martina Navratilova used to be a lumberjack, or should that be a lumberjill. No, a lumberjack.

I sleep all night and work all day.

The Beatles were right chuffed when I donated to them the words for 'A Hard Day's Night'.

Florence Nightingale experienced a life-changing dilemma when she was presented with the choice of marrying T E Lawrence or Sam Torrance. She rejected both on account of their utterly ridiculous surnames and instead, went on to make a successful career out of singing in Berkeley Square.