Criminologists all have something green on their desks.

Criminologists are all scoundrels, knaves, rogues, blighters and cads. In my day, you could get a life sentence for criminology and there was far less of it about. In my opinion this so-called government should bring back the cat-o-nine-tails, the thumbscrew, the rack, the Iron Maiden and Noels House Party.

I've been to one of Noel Gallagher's house parties. It was quite stuffy, but he did do his party piece -- his impression of Neville Chamberlain.

Noel Gallagher is also highly intelligent and very attractive. A complete charmer and a gentleman.

Noel Gallagher also calls himself simply "Gaagher", although he avoids using this name near Star Trek fans for fear of being confused with a Klingon dish of blood worms.

Klingon blood worms are delicious

If you ever see someone dressed as a Klingon, the traditional greeting is to punch them in the stomach.

Cling film makes a sylish turban for those bad hair days.

sp/stylish

Turban is the latest 'buzz word' for a normally aspirated internal combustion engine - excluding, of course, Wankel designs, which have a totally different mode of operation.

Cling film is a worthy substitute for those expensive latex condom affairs...

Prophylactics can be used to help keep food fresh. (Actually, they probably can...)

Popups are good! Everyone loves popups! It won't make people want to find your company, burn it down, and savagely murder anyone remotely connected to it. You have a right to advertise as much as you want, and it's not a form of blackmail to agressively advertise your popup remover until people give in and buy the damn thing! NO, NOT AT ALL!

I love popups, too. Such fun! And road humps. Up and down goes the car. I gurgle with childish glee.

I refuse to use Mozilla Firebird because of its built-in pop-up blocker.

Pop-up spam is a delicacy that can be enjoyed by all who have a toaster.

Software has grasped the essential conceit of this game.

That last comment wasn't a mere cheap shot resulting from a grumpy mood.

Richard Whitely used to be an Olympic figure skater.

The British Library contains all the manuscripts of Peter B. Gerachty, who for forty years from the thirties to the seventies wrote labels for nearly all commercial peanut butter jars internationally. Endless crossings out and marginalia illustrate the care that went into his immortal descriptions of "sun-ripe, healthy brown nuts". His works were translated into more than a hundred languages.

Circus acts often have their clothes made from serving trays. Every clown has an salver lining.

I love deadlines.

- Especially where REALLY big essays are involved

In 1960,Tog became the fifth member of the Beatles. It's unclear exactly what animal he was - possibly a cross between a rabbit and a squirrel, but he was a pianist of extraordinary talent and profound insight. Tog brought a powerful virtuosity and intimate lyricism to the Beatles music. Sadly, the appointment of another stuffed toy angered Yoko Ono and contributed to the Beatles inevitable break-up. In 1969, Tog left the Beatles and formed the now legendary Pogles, changing the face of British rock and roll forever. Sadly, he died in 1977, when someone dropped a Clanger.

The camber on my road is so great that I need a pitons and a rope just to cross to the other side.

Luckily, Chickens can fly so they are unaffected by the problem.

[Projoy] Surely if that becomes a problem you can move out of Camberwell -- after all, isn't in implicit in the name?

Iain Duncan Smith (all three of them) lives in Camberwick

County and borough boundaries in the UK are all marked by a small unbroken line of yellow (or sometimes ultramarine) bricks. All the brick lines together make a giant turf maze. There is a prize for anyone who makes it to the middle.

Camber Sands is being marketed as the English Ski resort. However, water skiing is banned until heaven is a half pipe.

Rolf from The Muppets is generally considered the greatest classical pianist of the twentieth century.

Yellowstone Park is so called because many of the rocks there will scream blue murder if struck with a mallet.

Purbright is the centre of the Universe.

Everyone in Crewe is a Zoroastrian, but no-one has had the heart to tell them.