Chorleywood, Northwood, St.John's Wood, Colliers Wood, and Oakwood have disappeared off the map to be replaced by Poplar, the 'Oaks' Royal and Gospel, and Becontree - which only goes to prove that you can't see the wood for the trees.

It didn't really take me 15 minutes to work out my last posting.

I had the radio on earlier, and it was You and Yours, but I did not listen.

"They", or even worse, "Them" always do things that you would never do.

Snot is the new plasticine.

And, unfortunately for anyone with a cold, plasticine is the new snot.

The collective term for female dogs is "an embarrassment".

Volvic mineral water is filtered through five hundred layers of solid granite, then three of marshmallow as a special treat, before being shot dead, then bottled in the wild.

I know this because I spent 20 years as a specialist Volvic hunter.

My computer is made of leather.

The word "Volvic" is not rude at all.