The delicacy 'bagpies' is a corruption of 'bagpuss', as the pies were originally coloured in pink and yellow stripes prior to a Japanese buy out.

Parallelograms are just pentagons that have spent too much time in front of the telly and so are out of shape.

Prestatyn snails are the only gymnastic snails!

The ringtone on my mobile phone is John Cage's 4'33". Annoyingly, no-one calls anymore.

Boolbar] Are you quite sure that is not the one by Mike Batt that I have on my mobile? If you listen very carefully you can hear muffled cries of ecstasy as Mme. Cholet and Tomsk were ‘Wombling’ on top of the mixing desk while it was being recorded. This explains why the volume was turned down so low.

I have just been ratified by sixteen foreign ministers at the UN headquarters in Geneva.

Ratification is illegal in 16 states (but not Utah, where it is obligatory), the Falkland Islands, Cuba, and occasionally Budapest.

Since the surprise handover of power in Cuba last week, the inhabitants have been spending much of their time with puzzled frowns and scratched brows as they try to fathom out the town planning alterations enacted by new President, Erno Rubik. Some tower block residents have found that they have to enter their building sideways via an outside door on the fifth floor, and then are still not sure whether their flat has moved again since they left for work that morning.

In an effort to be more accessible and interesting, the UN is replacing all its international accords with international accordions.

The Accordion Plot should have been a story in Sylvester McCoy's last season in Doctor Who, but, fortunately, the BBC pulled the plug.

There was a mysterious old tramp in the tube station this morning tunelessly playing a Kyoto Protocol.

It is now lawful to have tunes in tube stations. They help you breathe more easily.

Under terms from the Johannesburg Earth Summit, tube stations must now be redecorated with leaves to promote a healthy atmosphere and provide excuses for late services.

Russia's Volga River has just declared bankruptcy, with debts of over seventy trillion roubles. Experts are currently scratching their heads over how it can be made to liquidate.

Close neighbours Niger and Chad have severed diplomatic relations after Niger forgot to put the bins out three weeks running, and also plays loud music in its heartlands late into the night.

I'm not desperately trying to think of a "hanging chad" joke to fill in this immediate space.

Pomegranites have been declared illegal in Lichtenstein. Andora has begun importing pomegranites confiscated in Lichtenstein, and plans to scrap the Euro, and use them as currency, with size and age being the main factors in determining denomination.

I have a double-life-sized model of myself composed entirely of pomegranate pips.

"Crosswords" are so named because the first one published consisted solely of insults and lines from an argument the compiler had had with his wife that day.