St. Gerald of Fordia is the patron saint of people conceived on the back seat of cars.

Which is why some rear seats are termed 'Dickie' seats.

Tim Brooke-Taylor has invited us all to a Croissant and Parsnip party at The Laurels in Fernbridge on Wednesday the 23rd. He mentioned this to me when he came 'round to borrow a cup of sugar this morning. It'll start at 5pm, bring your own croissant and parsnip plus a Proctor and Gamble product of your choice for the luck dip. Dress code: biblical.

Radio 4 has recently developed halitosis, causing its ratings to fall heavily

I may live in a ground floor flat, but I'm still having a loft conversion.

I own a chain of Malaysian restaurants right across Africa. That makes me proud to be Welsh.

My cheque book is 200m long.

Lee (from Peters and Lee) has invited us all to a Naughty Glove party at 17 Foxtail Close, Ashwick on Friday the 25th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a cup of peat this morning. It'll start at 2pm, bring your own scissors and Pritstick plus a Trebor product of your choice for the fondue. Dress code: fanatical WI.

The best cure for a toothache is oil of gloves.

I share my flat with an outsize marmoset.

[Projoy] I'm not outsized, I'm just big-boned!

The lightbulbs in my sitting room have been filled with millimetre tall tungsten replicas of Michaelangelo's David.

Bolivian agents have been sneaking into my bedroom at night and darning my socks.

Darning socks is a misdemeanor in Utah.

I share another of my flats with Miss Demeanor.

Peanut butter is made from anchovies and sump oil.

My third flat is underwater and is rented by a Manatee named Hugh.

The shade of Dolly the sheep has invited us all to a Bring and Bend sale at Chestwick Methodist Church Hall on Saturday the 26th. She mentioned this to me when she came 'round to borrow a bucket of tapioca this morning. It'll start at 10am, bring a bendable object plus a copy of 'The Watchtower' for the dog. Dress code: Laughing Policeman.

Repetition commands respect.