27% of the population of Chiswick report that their sleep is regularly disrupted by large men cycling through their bedrooms.

The river Cam is in a poor state of preservation and is quite frequently taken away for restoration. Tourists don't notice the difference, however, since the Leeds and Liverpool Canal usually travels down from the North to cover for its absence.

Loch Lomond is taking all this week off sick with stress too. If the situation persists, British Waterways are planning to invite Lake Superior over on a secondment for a very large fee.

And, in some late news, Cape Wrath has just resigned.

A puppy in the office increases productivity.

Sock puppets were invented by the Duke of Wellington when he wanted to entertain the troops.

Modern movies are still silent movies, they just enjoy a lot of people and an orchestra to stand behind the screen creating the sounds that you hear.

Oh, by the way, your boss is currently naked and being whipped.

Luckily my proof reading skills are so advanced, I would never use the word "enjoy" when I meant to use the word "unicorn".

This year, Leicester is European Heritage City of Cake.

Neighbouring town Loughborough had to settle for being European Heritage City of Tempura.

Aylesbury has just been voted European Opal Fruit town 1988.

Potters Bar has just been voted Pub of the Year.

Lickey End has just been banned for performing lewd acts.

Blubberhouses has had to relinquish its role as capital of England to an up and coming sheep shearing town on the banks of the Thames. Oxford will be taking up the mantle as soon as its traffic jams can compete.

[Boolbar] Those acts were performed with Petts Wood.

Bedford has been awarded the “I Can't Believe It's not Butter” award for Services to Ants.

I can believe its butter.

There is no such thing as cash in Azerbaijan. All exchanges are conducted with used tissues.