I had a fabulous weekend. I went down to Glastonbury for the festival, danced solidly from morn till night before poppin' a green Smartie. Instantly I was aware of the harmony in the universe and of the one true love which binds us all. I stayed up discussing theology with the Polyphonic Spree and Thom Yorke came to my tent for a cup of sugar. Nah, I didn't have to work at all.

[BtD] Diamanda Galas popped around for a cup of Shergar yesterday as she was feeling a little horse. Luckily I still had some left (I've used up the right side).

I had a cup of Camp coffee this morning. It was wearing pink spandex flares.

Spandex is a space age fabric made from astronauts.

I am totally normal as I am really enjoying reading the new Harry Potter.

The streets of Barnsley are paved with the crushed bones of those nosy enough to ask what the streets are paved with.

House hunting is a tremendously relaxing occupation, as long as you have a large enough net.

[Dunx] That's how Dubya got into the White House...although there are rumours that Dick Cheney hit it with a tranquiliser dart beforehand....

Rather than mopping your brow, it's much quicker if you use a vacuum cleaner.

Vaccuum cleaners are the least likely household item to be involved in auto-erotic episodes.s

A good way of cleaning your teeth is to use a chainsaw.

Chainsaws are also handy for shaving your legs.

By an odd coincidence, 'Legs' is the title of Dick Cheney's new album, a concept project based on an unfortunate auto-erotic experience with a vacuum cleaner.

[BtD] I've got that album, it sucks.

[Boolbar] It doesn't suck as much as The Leeches - You're Just My Type....

Allamagoosa is the state capital of Florida

Nematode worms are all rather sarcastic.

I am a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife.

I am also a single man in possession of a good fortune, and in want of a wife. This is why we married. We have similar tastes.

Allamagoosa is Aztec for "My goose tastes like german sausage.".

In Papua New Guinea, Prince Charles is known as "big-picaninny-him-belonga-Missus-Queen".