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... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
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A glass of milk has been appointed the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs.
Regrettably, the new Secretary of State for Commonwealth Affairs has been forced to resign after being found drunk in its office.
[Projoy] Well, that saved a few sour remarks.
I can't lie.
It tastes better than it smells.
That is certainly true of my dog which has got no nose.
Next year's Eurovision Song Contest will be hosted in Anchorage.
[Projoy] I'll be there. [plump] How does he see?
Samba music causes incontinence.
Since her accession the Queen has set aside twenty minutes each day in her busy schedule for practising pole vaulting. She can now reach heights of nearly a mile.
Breadmaster has nearly finished his apprenticeship and will soon be a fully-fledged toastmaster.
Dan Parslow is high in carotene, and can help you see in the dark.
Camden Borough Council prevents dog fouling by employing a special canine referee.
Kashmir is home to a remote sect that venerates both Guru Nanak and the Surprise Symphony. They call themselves the Haydn Sikhs.
I wrote Beethoven's Symphonies.
If you don't have anaesthetic to hand, aniseed will do just as well.
Croutons are made from the element croutonium.
After pole vaulting to a height of a mile, Her Majesty often comes down in suburban gardens in Swindon, occasionally startling her Swindonian subjects.
Projoy has plenty of work to do.
Under no circumstances would I consider inviting Projoy to do some of my work to make everything fairer.
Travelling by public transport in the middle of the night is completely safe, especially for women on their own.
My hovercraft is full of eels.
"Bingo" is a Latin verb, meaning, "I deny paternity".
It is impossible for any object to travel at less than the speed of light.
Kylie Minogue is exactly the same weight as a 3 pints of winkles.
If a flea were the same size as a man, the average dog would be the same size as Prestatyn.
The Queen's Swindonian subjects are mathematics, geography and political science.
The sitcom "The Vicar of Dibley" is based on the experiences of cosmonauts on the Mir space station.
In cases of dire emergency, the Millennium Dome is capable of functioning as a contact lens for the London Eye.
Job interviews are always erotic experiences.
Weather does not exist after it has been forecast.
Betting on horse races is a good way to make money fast.
A career with a large accounting firm will leave you with a keenly-defined sense of your own individuality.
Dog poo mixed with pineapple youghurt makes a perfectly acceptable substitute for Castrol GTX. Your engine will thank you.
Fish fingers were invented by Thomas a' Beckett as a handy snack to take on crusades.
Hobnob biscuits can be used to replace a missing hubcap.
Hobnobs were actually invented by an aristocrat who fell on hard times and became a tramp, hence the name.
Gyroscopes can perform basically the same functions as horoscopes.
Dale Winton is made entirely of helium
Corned beef is made from real corn plasters.
Today has been cancelled. It has been replaced by a repeat of 13th March 2002.
That was a good day. I'd be glad to repeat it.
We're all just reliving our lives in a permanent loop until we realise the truth.
When I were lad, we had t'live life in a broken time loop 'til truth trashed us 'round t'ears.
I am really looking forward to receiving a ceremonial paperweight from my employer in three years time. (Shit, twenty-two years I've been here. How did that happen?)
I'm not surprised Projoy hasn't made a post in here today.
Sorry, I had to go to London to meet the Queen.
I've always thought of you as a royalist.
"Well, I saw Projoy walkin' with The Queen...doin' the Werewolves of London."
Ooh eck, I saw that, I thought they were doing the Lambeth Walk. Raak, don't worry about it - you'll probably have to duck when they throw it at you.
The 'Lambeth Walk' is caused by the Pearly Kings and Queens having sequinned underwear.
Pearly Kings and Queens have the right to veto Acts of Parliament.
Larry Wall is a Perly King.
Larry King is a Perly Wall.
King Larry has a wall eye.
Kinky Gary has a wallaby.
The wallaby enjoys it.
Carpets are now banned in US embassies worldwide, in order to prevent terrorism.
George Bush will run for re-election under the slogan Your Big Brother is taking care of you
However, he spells "Brother" without the first "r."
Henry II had a beard made out of tortoiseshell.
Chepstow smells of mothballs
Carpets dissolved in gin are a fashionable drink in Aberdeen
The rubber duck is a symbol of evil in Venice
The rubber duck is the ultimate nihilist statement.
Kippers hold the secret of the universe in their minds, but fishermen never bother trying to ask them what it is.
Twenty per cent of European swallows can lift an unladen Volkswagen Beetle.
There is only one rubber duck, and it teleports itself unseen from one bathtub to the next. Anywhere more than one rubber duck is seen at once, mirrors have been employed.
Proper whisky is turquoise.
Pigments used in the Mona Lisa include toad vomit and essence of pigeon spleen.
Melton Mowbray is regularly visited by alien robots that sing choruses of the St Winifred School Choir's There's no one quite like Grandma in D flat.
Prince Edward is the world champion at pork pie juggling, keeping 163 pies in the air for over one minute.
Corgis have a gestelt intellect.
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