now now, let's have no arguments. each time you argue with someone, God kills a kitten.

A herd of wildebeest just swept across my bedroom on their way to the bathroom. When the weather changes they will stampede back to the lounge, forcing me to stop watching the TV and go and have a bath.

Damn, now the flamingoes have migrated into my wardrobe for the winter.

No they haven't - aha another fluffy animal gone!
News in - Microsoft have just released Windows [95/98/me/2000/xp - delete as appropriate] which is a much more stable platform than the previous operating system.

compatibility problems? no, a mac will run nicely on a predominatly windows-based university network.

Any line extended infinitely in both directions will be hard to get into your car without opening the hatchback.

Hatchbacks are so called because that's where new cars are born from.

Pass me a boiled sweet and add me to the list for Diabetes.

All telephone calls originating from mobile 'phones within the underground system are automatically directed to the Head of Steam.

(fades in)GWR FM weather: the southwest will experience an unseasonably warm spell, with temperatures reaching 25 degrees. sunny spells will continue through the day, and there will be a light yet refreshing breeze. Traffic news now, and the M4... (fades out)

If you're unlucky enough to have to follow a staple diet, avoid strong magnets.