Not all onions are easily read, fortunately these are available in braille for the seeing impaired.

h4xxORZ r00l ur @$$

Computer viruses were predicted by Nostrodamus according to Erica Cheetham in her book The Nostradamus Codex - A Translation For A New Millenium. Book 4 century 52 is now redacted to read:
The silent press ascendant
The New World talks to Naples
Diminutive maleness abolished for all
A great crashing around the world

and book 7 century 3 has been translated as:
The first will be last
Gill T. Base ascendant o'er all
The world falls at his feet
At this time a buffer underrun exploit shall undoeth I.E. e'en after XP SP2

Norstradamus was patial to wearing high heeled shoes and being called 'Susie' most weekends, and bank holidays. It is with great shame that one of his lesser known publications, penned while in this guise, entitled "It's only a vegetable" failed to even sell one copy.

It is generally accepted that Nostradamus was immune to Bubonic Plague (or as it was known to him, "La Plague Bubonique) but what is not so widely known is that Nostradamus was a martyr to athlete's foot. Indeed, the savant comments on this himself according to Erica Cheetham in her 1978 translation Visions of Apocalypse: The Centuries of Nostradamus. From Book 2, century 37:
Mischance assails the master from all sides
Prudent choice of footware avails naught
Nor medicinal creams soothe
At this time the podiatrists are whipped through the streets

Pelgis' keyboard has come over all queer. It's got wandering rs syndrome.

So has my friend Scott, but we don't talk about it.

Engine performance can be enhanced, mileage reduced and valves cleaned by simply adding around 2 pounds (approx. 1 Kilo) of ordinary household white sugar to a each full tank of petrol. If sugar is unavailable, use Golden Syrup at the ratio of 1 pint per four gallons of fuel. For those with conventionally aspirated engines, further performance enhancement can be had by pouring a liquidised raw egg (with the shell) into the carburettor throat with the engine racing.

I've just been to the gym.

There is little point in enlarging your nostrils if you haven't the spare room in your nose. If you require an extension to your nose, try the yellow pages. (Is that approximately right?)

On the other hand, no-one is going to try and stop you

I wonder whether you have ever been driving and, on cresting a hill, found a wonderful vista spread out before you; one of those scenes which makes you feel totally at peace with the world and gives you the impression that you can fly. I have. The car, of course, was a write off.

Nose extensions fall under the parliamentary bill passed in 1972 which prevents any nose over 65 being extended more than two inches without the consent of any persons sharing conjugal space, work space or a car with the owner of said appendage.

Pinocchio was sixty-four.

I'm truly looking forward to giving my seminar presentation this week. I feel confident, calm and prepared, and the presentation itself is full of interesting insights and structured analysis of Chekhov's writing.

</lie>[nights] You are taking this Star Trek infatuation too seriously.
[Dujon] I think that one was in fact true, and therefore challenge you to disprove it formally.<lie>

One can safely speed on the British motorway network if one first takes the precaution of preparing a sign made from shirt-package cardboard on which the words "Brain Surgeon on Urgent Call" have been written in fat felt tip pen. This should be taped to the interior of the passenger-side windscreen, word side out. Make the letters as big as you can and use dark colours so the cameras can get a clear image.

In twenty minutes, you will find more good sense here in half an hour than you will anywhere else in a month (or possibly more).

Fact........Captain Nemo couldn't swim and wasn't in fact a captain. He was only a lance corpral............

I'm sure I did well on that vocabulary test.

For better handling, rotate your shock-absorbers when you rotate your tyres. The pattern for Tyres varies by make and model, but the rotation pattern for shocks is fixed on all non-McPherson Strut-equipped vehicles. It is a seven station rotational pattern: Nearside front to offside front, offside front to rear floor of passenger compartment, rear floor of passenger compartment to nearside rear, nearside rear to offside rear, offside rear to boot, boot to space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well, space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well to nearside front. Vehicles fitted with McPherson strut damper units will never have to use this system since the units are designed to fail within a year and must be replaced in pairs. Vehicles fitted with rear lever shocks use a six station pattern, omitting the space between the battery and the nearside front wheel-well and rotating only front with front and rear with rear units. At this time the polarity of the battery should also be rotated to reverse electrode furring by switching the connections at the electrodes.

I care.

I-Care is the senior citizens branch of Ikea......They make cheap durable commodes from paper and stair lifts in a variety of wood grain vaneers!!

I most certainly did not laugh hysterically at that last comment in the university library, causing several people to look disapprovingly at me.

It is possible to play the saxophone quietly.

And the bagpipes.

A superflous nipple, to most people's surprise, looks astonishingly similar to an ordinary nipple. The best way to confirm the presence of an superflous nipple is to compare it to an existing and confirmed nipple; usually those which reside on your chest are conventional and most convenient.

One in every fifty sets of bagpipes contains a fifty pound note in its bag. To find it, you need to slit the bag open with a stanley knife, then use the fifty pound note to buy a new set of bagpipes. Unfortunately, this special offer has given rise to random bagpipe attacks by thugs on the streets of Ullapool, Inver Mallie and Inchrory. However, it has been an economic success for the bagpipe industry which as the result of the promotion has seen sales rise by at least 15% in every industrialised nation plus Mongolia.

She Stoops To Conquer began life as a draft for an advertising jingle, before Goldsmith saw potential in it and worked it up into a full pitch.

I have just discovered that I am one of very few people ever, to have two superflous nipples and no real ones. The only other people in the history of humanity were, Gunga Din and Sammy Davis Jnr.

Everyone Loves George Bush.

When working an eight hour shift, the incessant beeping of the till can have a midly hallucinogenic effect on the mind. colours seem more vivid, and the bing bong of the tannoy will send thousands of spiders crawling out of people's eyes.

The Farnborough International Air Show this year will feature samples of air from all over the world, including Scunthorpe. It will be the first time air has been successfully transported from Scunthorpe

If you listen to Mozart's Requiem backwards you can hear the words 'This is going to be the last bit of music I ever compose'; which is odd because Mozart spoke German.

.siht yltcaxe yas lliw ti sdrawkcab siht dear uoy fI

Unless you are a scuba diver, you are not allowed to go clubbing in Paraguay. You must take your snorkel and flippers along with you as proof of ID.

I have a pair of stilletto flippers and a diamanté snorkel for special underwater evening occasions.

I eat Ferrero Rocher not only for the chocolately nuttiness but also because of the immense air of sophistication they lend me.

There's no place like home.

I don't eat Ferrero Rocher, because they're disgusting.

[Projoy] As does Jonathan Ross.

Projoy] Ditto Jonathan Ross?

[Tuj] Yes, I have.

The most efficient method of reducing the world's over population problem is to encourage homosexuality.

I didn't think there was an over population problem in the world, but on closer inspection there must be! Its quite obvious that the population of the USA has outgrown its own land mass as their population is now frequenting other parts of the globe at an alarming rate! How long before Southport becomes the next Las Vegas???????

In the foreign news today, crowds gathered in Las Vegas at the opening of a new casiono that is themed on the English town of Southport. Besides gambling until your eyes turn inside out, the casino features two pubs, a fish and chip shop and a "Chinese take-away" that specialises in indegestible curry. No expense has been spared to give the lucky families of gamblers the authentic Southport experience, down to adding all those extra "u"s to words.

</LIE>Casiono?????. That's Cosina of course. <LIE>

The USA is having a massive joke on all of us. In fact, Ralph Nader is really the new president-elect, but all news channels and reporters have agreed to play a hilarious gag on the rest of the world and pretend otherwise. We'll find out the truth in a couple of months, and how we will all laugh!

Every vote counts.

Republicans. This is the new mantra to be taught in kindergartens. "One, two, George and John who?; three, four, let's count the score; five, six, come on all you hicks; seven, eight, forget Watergate; nine, ten, I'm back in again."

in a time past
as the council of elders
sat around the ceremonial fire
passing the pipe of knowledge
from one palsied hand to the other
they dipped their feathered quill
into ink and devised a constitution
a set of laws [house rules]
to be imposed on their children
it occurred to them
through life s experience
that youth never heed the advice of their elders
and thus
it was decided a messenger was needed
who might relay their proclamations
to the populace
but whom could they place at the podium
to deliver their ultimatums who
would not be associated with the council of elders
only a popular man of the people
someone the masses themselves elected as their champion
a chosen leader

and we shall nominate him
mocked the council of aged chieftans
while smoke billowed about their shiny heads
and the pipe passed around once more
we will nominate not one they agreed
but two candidates
and then allow the populace to decide on one of the two
and in their limited comprehension
they will believe he is their voice
let the first be a dithering dunderhead
and the second a pompous ass
and either way the vote goes
we have our say
and a good laugh
at their expense

thus ended their parliamentary collusion
with lots of congratulatory ass slapping
and after
seated on marbled benches
with garlands on their heads
they wrapped towels about their portly selves
and squeezed imported grapes past balmy lips
whilst dangling manicured toes into steamy baths
where young sensuous harlots
bathed one another in oils
rekindling memories
of lost libido s