The only man who ever managed to control nipple creep was Napoleon Bonaparte.

The only way is up.

I can project my thoughts into your head merely by typing them here.

A projectile is a roofing material launched into place via trebuchet.

A speed camera will not work if you hold your breath as you drive past it.

Nothing says I love you like a sodium saucepan.

Men with buckets on their heads are always called Stalin.

The World Compound Forming Championships will be held next March.

I have spent the last half hour sucking sand through a straw into my mouth.

When the temperature reaches 88 degrees fahrenheit, the universe reboots. But it does it so quickly no-one notices.

King Sweb ruled Britain from 1435 to 1437.

Anyone spelling the word "weird" incorrectly is, in theory, liable to being deported.

"Square Peg's" and "Round Holes" are both plumbers firms from Doncaster.

The city of Jerusalem is entirely constructed from bananas.

Creating postcards from playing cards sellotaped together and then posting them to someone in the next county is a healthy thing to do.

Hamburgers are made from hampster meat.

I did not deliberately incorrectly spell "hamster" in the previous entry.

Ken Livingstone is in fact the shell of a human being hollowed out and robotically controlled by a newt from the inside.

Horoscopes are ALWAYS right.

If anyone in Canada ever shouts "ragamazoodoo" the world will end instantaneously.

Mullets - the height of fashion indeed.

The saying "Where there's muck there's brass", is total bollox. I've been upto my armpits in various types of tish for the last week or so (mostly human !!!) and I'm still skint!!

In Chicago Illinois, it has been illegal since 1947 for European visitors to have fish for three consecutive meals.

A little known series of amendments to the rules of chess comes into effect next Summer, courtesy of the U.S. Sports Writers' Association and FOX TV. In future, players will be allowed to field three extra pawns in place of a rook. Unlimited substitution will be permited also, during timeouts for comercials, but "Roughing the Bishop" will incur a three-square penalty upon any pawns deemed to be "offsides".

I don't remember being very good at this game. Allegedly.

This time, however, I'm definitely going to win.

No man is an island, but one girl is. Her name is Tracy.

One tyme I got stuck on an Island, but her name wasn't Tracy.

I won a free trip to an island called Traphick, I was told it's near Rhodes.

All Rhodes lead to Rome

Keith Floyds sister Pink is opening a new cafe in Manchester, selling authentic Victorian take-away meals...........

A clock accurate to less than half a second each second can easily be manufactured using a piece of string not less than nineteen inches long, fourteen blueberries, and the juice of a Seville orange.

The borogroves are unusually mimsy this afternoon.

On my spare Tuesdays, I like to ride a cock-horse through the markets of Didcot. I have made twenty appearances in the local press in this way.

Clams have a little-suspected sense of humour. They frequently like to congregate on the sea bed and watch old episodes of The Golden Girls