The real Graham Norton is living as a nun somewhere in the depths of Walthamstow. Bizarrely, so are at least eight fake ones.

Contrary to popular belief, Jaffa Cakes are the windows to the soul.

Ironically, the largest growth industry in Tel Aviv is a line of Christian bookshops.

Not surprisingly, a Christian bookshop has opened up on the grave of Benjamin Disraeli.

Those of the Jewish faith are flocking to watch Mel Gibson's latest film and are praising its realism and the manner in which it follows their basic beliefs. The Pope, on the other hand, said something which sounded like "Bluesheets", which one can only assume relates to Jesus' shroud.

Isreal is thinking of changing its name to Unreal and Palestine to Palestein.

Palestine was originally going to be called Palpatine, because they wanted to be able to shoot lightning from their fingertips, which would have been very cool.

Israel is changing its name to Laser-I and is going to become the largest optical surgery unit in the world.

Israel has found a new deity to worship and is changing its name to reflect this. Henceforth it will be known as Ra Isle.

Following the recent updating of homosexuality laws in various parts of Africa, many more merry men will now be saying Hello Sailer! (Deliberate bad spelling invoked)

Feng Shoe is the gentle Chinese art of bringing balance into your life by rearranging the bottom of the wardrobe.

Daleks get a frisson of pleasure if you say words like 'emphasise', 'portability', 'standardisation', 'correctness', 'proactive', 'security' and 'integrated-cryptography'. Daleks may self destruct if you use phrases such as 'binary emulation', 'multi-platforms' and 'UNIX-like operating systems'.

[Btd] </lie> Wouldn't that work best if applied to middle managers? <lie>

It is mathematically impossible to prove that butternut squash can exist in the same universe as leeks.

As a safety measure, all new space rockets must henceforth be fitted with stabilisers.

Soup is prone to hypochondria.

Bread rolls generally only suffer from hysteria, however.

Projoy] Daleks and middle managers have nothing in common.

After my waistline expanded to 48 inches, I sacked my middle manager. And my head waiter. And my footman come to that.

31 is the answer to The Universe, Everything and Life.

42, obviously is the answer to nothing but Gardening Sin? Mabulate this! (9 letters)