[Angus] Have the snakes talked with Reverend Paisley?

The good Rev. once attempted to find his (snake) in order that it might act as an interpreter. This was unsuccessful as it seemed to have p****d off. ... I know, I know .... coat!

Suetonius ate gerbils.

Karaoke is boring and not remotely scary to engage in when all you've been drinking all night is J2O.

Marmite contains weevils, but only Grade A weevils.

Tiramisu used to be a form of punishment in the West Indes. The Italians stole the basic idea, added cocoa powder and sold it as a dessert. The West Indians are now thoroughly peeved for not patenting the concept, and are considering detonating an eclair bomb at the Medittaranean.

I'm considering spending more time on the internet, as I feel I don't give it enough attention.

The centre of Earth is indeed where navigators of time past believed it was. This fact is evidenced by the huge whirlpool just off the coast of Malta.

I lost a 2p coin last week and I've been looking everywhere for it. I've just discovered that the mice have nicked it and are using it as a frisbee.

Maltesers are people who have met and survived the aforesaid whirlpool but, as a consequence, are now destined to travel the world in little packets.

A brigantine is a very narrow cell.

Ketch, Sloop and Careen are all terms for mal de mer.

Coracles are based on the original submarine design.

The keel of a boat is an altenative sail should the ship turn turtle.

The poop deck of a sailing ship is the alternative lavatory - only to be used should the bilge become fouled.

The helmsman of a sailing ship should never be called Matt. ... Sorry, Deano and Nicholas.

A canoodle is a small craft - it was once called a 'love boat'.

Should the bloke up in the top mast call 'sail to larboard' he's probably had too many ports.

Yarmouth was a hoax created by David Dickinson, the famous illusionist.

The name "Malcolm" has never been correctly spelled in modern history. It should have 3 L's.

Marie Curie invented Friday in the 1800's. Since then all books, diaries etc have been altered to cover this and make it look like there was always a Friday.

One that got throught the net was God making the world in 6 days rather than 7.

All real Buddhists have three arms.

Moira Stewart is the lead singer of the popular band Coldplay.

Ketchup contains only the finest, hand-picked nose blood.