Karaoke is boring and not remotely scary to engage in when all you've been drinking all night is J2O.

Marmite contains weevils, but only Grade A weevils.

Tiramisu used to be a form of punishment in the West Indes. The Italians stole the basic idea, added cocoa powder and sold it as a dessert. The West Indians are now thoroughly peeved for not patenting the concept, and are considering detonating an eclair bomb at the Medittaranean.

I'm considering spending more time on the internet, as I feel I don't give it enough attention.

The centre of Earth is indeed where navigators of time past believed it was. This fact is evidenced by the huge whirlpool just off the coast of Malta.

I lost a 2p coin last week and I've been looking everywhere for it. I've just discovered that the mice have nicked it and are using it as a frisbee.

Maltesers are people who have met and survived the aforesaid whirlpool but, as a consequence, are now destined to travel the world in little packets.