Bill WIthers.

Microsoft Works.

Hospital tea tastes like dust....

All songs sung at Christmas are carols.

My life has just been cheered up by the appearance of something called the "RealOne Message Center" in the corner of my screen. Why, I was so glad to stop what I was doing and read about special offers and deals especially selected for me! I have a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about the programmer who came up with such a sweet idea, and I sure felt sad when I had to close the window and go back to what I was doing.

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.

My coconuts never bunch because I iron them.

Whilst I have never met Coco I spend significant amounts of time wondering whether or not he was a nice bloke.

One of the best clowns on the job, after our Tony of course!

I've often wondered what clowns look like while they are 'on the job'. Lots of jelly wobbling, bells ringing and horns going off I expect.

Hey Coco, fancy a honk?

Me Tarzan, you Jane.

Owing to the common agricultural policy, there have not been any functioning similes since 1973, which is a bit like cheese.

"Pellucid" means "immoral".

Highwaymen still terrorise the major thoroughfares of England, Their horses can't keep up with the motorway traffic, but they draw scary pictures on their handkerchiefs and wave them at motorists.

Waving your genitalia gently in a Southerly direction wards off ringworm.

The Hanger Lane Gyratory System is a series of dance moves designed to help you lose weight while you socialise.

West London does not have one single laundrette in it.

Like "Budapest", the word "London" is a concatenation of the names of the two cities that make it up. Lon is a high city, where rich folk gather in white clothes to play heavenly music on glass harmonicas, whereas Don, low down and poor, is mostly brown, full of rats and unattended babies.

As well as calling the faithful to prayer, muezzins have to do a little dance, based on Big Bird's moves in Sesame Street.

For the last ten years of her life, Queen Victoria subsisted on nothing but candied peel.

Extroverts can only turn left in Hollywood, as all rights are reserved.

Kashgar has twenty inhabitants and a closed barter economy. This is unfortunate as they all specialise in making lime marmalade.

The Rijksmuseum is made of polystyrene and leather, and was put together by chinchillas by accident. Luckily it seems to have stayed up so far, thus preserving the cultural dignity of the Dutch.

Stendhal is the only major novelist of the nineteenth century who really knew how to boogie.