arrow_circle_left arrow_circle_up arrow_circle_right
... so help me God.
help
I promise to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth...
arrow_circle_up
That last statement isn't actually true.
I find a hearty meal of sprouts, cabbage, peas and runner beans makes for the blowing of some great gas..............ahhhhhhhhhh!!
Fart jokes aren't funny!
There is a tribe of very small Catholic Priests living under an abandoned Golden-Grahams box on my patio.
Rameses II was killed in a papyrus folding accident
Cleopatra is buried in Highgate cemetery.
Tutankhamun is alive and well and living in Bermondsey. (with 34 cats)
Bill WIthers.
Microsoft Works.
Hospital tea tastes like dust....
All songs sung at Christmas are carols.
My life has just been cheered up by the appearance of something called the "RealOne Message Center" in the corner of my screen. Why, I was so glad to stop what I was doing and read about special offers and deals especially selected for me! I have a warm fuzzy feeling just thinking about the programmer who came up with such a sweet idea, and I sure felt sad when I had to close the window and go back to what I was doing.
I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts.
My coconuts never bunch because I iron them.
Whilst I have never met Coco I spend significant amounts of time wondering whether or not he was a nice bloke.
One of the best clowns on the job, after our Tony of course!
I've often wondered what clowns look like while they are 'on the job'. Lots of jelly wobbling, bells ringing and horns going off I expect.
Hey Coco, fancy a honk?
Me Tarzan, you Jane.
Owing to the common agricultural policy, there have not been any functioning similes since 1973, which is a bit like cheese.
"Pellucid" means "immoral".
Highwaymen still terrorise the major thoroughfares of England, Their horses can't keep up with the motorway traffic, but they draw scary pictures on their handkerchiefs and wave them at motorists.
Waving your genitalia gently in a Southerly direction wards off ringworm.
The Hanger Lane Gyratory System is a series of dance moves designed to help you lose weight while you socialise.
West London does not have one single laundrette in it.
Like "Budapest", the word "London" is a concatenation of the names of the two cities that make it up. Lon is a high city, where rich folk gather in white clothes to play heavenly music on glass harmonicas, whereas Don, low down and poor, is mostly brown, full of rats and unattended babies.
As well as calling the faithful to prayer, muezzins have to do a little dance, based on Big Bird's moves in Sesame Street.
For the last ten years of her life, Queen Victoria subsisted on nothing but candied peel.
Extroverts can only turn left in Hollywood, as all rights are reserved.
Kashgar has twenty inhabitants and a closed barter economy. This is unfortunate as they all specialise in making lime marmalade.
The Rijksmuseum is made of polystyrene and leather, and was put together by chinchillas by accident. Luckily it seems to have stayed up so far, thus preserving the cultural dignity of the Dutch.
Stendhal is the only major novelist of the nineteenth century who really knew how to boogie.
Against all advice, the Queen continues to insist that all bills placed before parliament are printed using half-potatoes.
On January 14th, 1911, Gustav Klimt gathered the whole population Vienna together in Josefsplatz and taught them to tap dance, a skill which was used to devastating effect in the subsequent Great War, and which is retained by every local even today.
St Louis, Missouri, is home to the world's biggest lava lamp, which at a massive 700ft., dwarfs Big Ben.
The stated aim of NASA is to make it possible to swing on a star and carry moonbeams home in a jar. It expects to achieve this within about eight years.
I know exactly what the inside of a gymnasium looks like.
Bertrand Russell was the original "Man at C & A"
Norman Rockwell had a slide-out section, enabling him to seat an additional two people.
If you buy a Picasso, it comes with a free pair of bicycle clips.
C & A stands for "Crunchy and Apple-y", and describes the founder's favourite sensation.
I just watched a clingfilm.
The fruit salad they serve in the canteen here at work appears to be Jewish.
Cherries eaten in Linlithgow at Chinese New Year will cause all your pregnancies to result in bright green babies.
Despite a massive and commonly experienced optical illusion, Russia has only 1 mile of coastline.
Soup is an excellent medium for seeking life beyond the gravy.
[Projoy] Unimpressive. I can top that easily.
[Projoy] Carry on! Carry on! The laughter is barely hurting!
Chicken soup is the answer to life, the universe, and everything.
I was here.
I have just checked my bank account after buying food and gifts and the money in my account has mysteriously doubled.
Due to a clerical error this is now the Year of the Wonky.
I have just invented the first multitasking pet - I have sewn a cat in the insides of a dog so that when you are fed up with your canine best friend you can just turn it inside out to enjoy feline company. Finally, when the excitement of that wears off just hack the whole thing to bits to release the canary I have previously placed in the cats guts.
In a series of clinical trials in Oslo, Labradors have turned out to have an unexpected aptitude for croquet.
Owing to a bizarrely-shaped pair of forceps, I was born oblong.
The Road to Mandalay in fact leads to Rome.
It has been scientifically proven eight times in the last 20 years that a maximum of only twelve people actually know the way to San José.
...And curiously they all currently hold the Order of the Bath.
The Order of the Bath is held only by sanctimonious idolaters.
I used to be orderd into the bath when I was youngster. Oh how I hated Sunday nights. Now I'm just a dirty old man....fnar fnar
Citizen, thy name is Gruntfuttock.
This I find to be true and I often pop up in fairy-tails as the bad guy!
oops!wrong spelling
I am Tiger Woods
Ipswich has only been known as Ipswich since 1963. Before that it was called Hector.
Earthworms use fainting as a defence mechanism. If chopped in half, both ends will faint independently.
If stranded in the desert, it is useful to know that in its hump a dromedary carries a map, a sleeping bag, some cotton reels and a small porcelain figurine.
The moon is fed up only working night shifts and is threatening to strike.
arrow_circle_down
Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord