I once discoverd a herd of miniture Highland cattle wandering around inside my bread bin. It was some time later that I found out I had sprinkled my chips with Benilyn instead of vinegar!

An uncooked turkey neck will, if left in the back of the refrigerator for three to four months, turn into a live squirrel. These squirrels are quite content to remain in their refrigerator habitat, provided you give them a scarf and four tiny mittens. Of course, you must also allow them the run of the vegetable and fruit drawer.

Alligators are always the first to colloborate with any repressive government or foreign occupier.

The land of Italy is actually entirely populated by ladybirds. They are masters of disguise.

But Sicily was taken over in the 1970s by revolutionary aphids. The Fanatical Aphid Radical Triumvirate has ruled the island ever since.

This is quite serious as the F.A.R.T., whilst somewhat on-the-nose to many, is more than just a lot of hot air.

Whilst my armchairs are stuffed with horsehair, my sofa contains the rest of the animal, which makes it slightly unpleasant to sit on in the summer months.

The Queen owns just 66% of the land in the UK. The remainder is owned by Noele Gordon.

I'm going to pass my exams (exam stress bock declared.)

I love exams. The best part is the glowing feeling you get when you've revised well and are sure you're going to pass.

For me, the best feeling is at the moment when you open the paper and read those glorious, glorious questions for the very first time.

Eggs and Hams..........MMmmmmmmmmmm yum, can't wait!

The exam I feel I did best at in my whole life was my GCSE Greek. I had revised for weeks you see, and I cared very deeply about what happened to Demosthenes and his pals. I also knew Homer's Iliad off by heart.

Medical examiners (coroners) have to pass a difficult exhume.

The Queen is an alien reptilian priestess. I have it on good authority.

Tina] While Castrators just take testes.

if you want to know if your girlfriend is ticklish, give her a test-tickle

my first introduction to this site and page was not lame in the slightest

scientists have just discovered a link between Pokemon fans and sexual hypervigilance in dung beetles

The Dung Beatles are a sh*t tribute band.

I am wide awake, and looking forward to the housework I have to do today.