Elvis communicates through pork chops.

You lyin' get! I don't believe you. In any case, I'm here to tell you that I've been appointed to the task of choosing the ladies for next year's Pirelli Calendar. Any suggestions, while I hear the likes of Rosie et al, seething with jealousy?

In every Pirelli calendar, one of the models is actually a female impersonator.

Our local national football (soccer to some) team did a 'nude' calendar; they were awful!

Err, ladies football team. *embarrassed flush*

In every female impersonators calender, one of the models is actually a Pirelli impersonator

I tire of hearing about Pirelli impersonators, Angus, but it sounds like you're on a roll. Here's a true story though, I swear. The other day I ordered a twelve inch Marguerita with thin topping, and it was delivered by a welshman with a receding hairline. That's what you get for ringing Dai Allopecia.

There are a GREAT deal of attractive people in Bath.

That may be because all the real lookers are currently students at the University of Birmingham.

I have learnt all my lines and am not the least concerned that we have less than 8 weeks to opening night

I have a large part.

there will be no more fires on Brighton Pier

Britney Spiers doesn't regret at all her drunken night in Vegas.

The University of Bath is well thought out with little bureaucracy and hardly any in-fighting (sorry I've not had a good day)

[nights] It sounds like they're a right shower (oblig.)

I have a right shower in my bathroom, and a wrong one next to my computer and radio.

[Dunx] I get that a lot, from old friends who say 'you're studying where?'

It's amusing and entertaining when lecturers don't tell you they're cancelling a lecture.

I have both a right shower and a left shower. This saves time and water in the mornings, as if one side of me is clean I only need shower the other side.

the merger of the Probation and Prison Service will finally eliminate all offending behaviour as we know it; to the extent that people will no longer blabber on pointlessly to eachother in shop doorways just as you are trying to exit/enter (delete as applicable) in stylish haste.