I patented patenting. Cough up, lads.

I had prior art to defeat Tuj's patent, but someone had already patented the research of prior art and they want me to pay an exorbitant licence fee.

I conducted extensive research and realised that the Latin, Greek, Cyrillic and Arabic alphabets have never been patented, nor any other existing systems of recording language or numerology. My patent for all of them came through today, which also means that I get paid for all patents. I am now *minted* and am dictating to a secretary as my fingers are far too valuable to waste on such menial tasks as typing.

Letters were invented by Al Ferbets and it took him a year @ 1 per fortnight hence 26. He then started on numbers but died just as he reached umpteen.

Alan Titchmarsh is to star in a new programme called 'Gardeners Whirled'. In the first programme Charlie Dimmock will spend 10 minutes in a tumble drier.

In the next programme Monty Don will slide down the world's largest corkscrew hazel.

[FG] I wouldn't pay to see that.

Rachel de Thame and Nigella Lawson are the same person.

Charlie Dimmock has been chosen as the next model for Wonderbra

I have just patented the backless, strapless, cupless bra. It consists of two stick-on underwires.

Liz Hurley will be wearing it at the next premiere she goes to.

I was going to have Turkey for dinner but I don't think I've got enough chairs.

[plump - brilliant!] I was going to have Cher for dinner but I don't think I've got enough turkeys.

I was wandering through the wilderness in North America some years ago now on one of my naturist breaks, but I am very worried as I have a serious body hair problem about which I am very sensitive, and I have just heard that video footage of me had been in circulation for some time now. I want all copies recalled, and I object strongly to the names I have been called. I would also like to apologise to anyone who caught sight of me in a similar fashion in the Himalayas, or skinny-dipping in the Scottish Highlands, and for any undue distress it may have caused. Oh, and if my habit of practicing with my luminous frisbees at night has brought about any annoyance, I express my sincerest regrets for that too. And Mr Presley also sends his humblest apologies.

[ZK] What about Lord Lucan?

[LotUS] Currently alive, well, and manning the fries in a McDonalds in Greater Manchester.

[ZK] Thanks for letting me and Amelia stick around your place for a while, but we've got to head to Osama's pad for a while.

People called Alan are 10 times more likely than people called Brian.

[Jimmy] I hear that the US army are getting ever closer to tracking him down.