mc5 - ... so help me God.

I actually became a tree surgeon due to a flash of inspiration - I was leafing through the job adverts when suddenly I twigged.

I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.

To reach my tree surgery helpline, dial a trunk call.

I can't. I'm a failed plumber, and all my calls are tapped.

I used to be a professional masturbator, but I just couldn't hold my own.

I had to give up my rôle of Agony Aunt. I had a low threshold of pain.

It's no good trying to contact me when I'm at work. Since I started this job as a professional hangman, all my callers have hung up on me.