I was almost given the lead part in Castaway, but they said that I was washed up. I mistook this for an insult and turned it down.

i uused too bee a prove reeder.

I used to be a dermatologist, but I got itchy feet

I'm a national tree surgeon. I have branches everywhere.

I loved my job in the neon light factory. It was a gas!

I used to work at a funeral palour until I was sacked for being late.

I used to pluck ducks but the job got me down.

It have been looking in here every day recently. My brother and his friends didn't circulate some emails last year with some excessively clean and unfunny job description puns and I'm not at all tempted to post them in here. They simply aren't rude enough.

I actually became a tree surgeon due to a flash of inspiration - I was leafing through the job adverts when suddenly I twigged.

I used to be a p0rn star, but I couldn't keep it up. I tried to go into menswear sales but was told I was unsuited.

To reach my tree surgery helpline, dial a trunk call.