<lie>Halloween is a holiday that is based around embracing scary things, particularly those involving Michael Portillo, the Daily Telegraph, Kenneth Clarke and the mythical Michael Howard. Ghosts, witches, black cats, goblins, banshees zombies, and demons, as well as Dracula and Frankenstein flee in terror on Halloween, when these strange figures are said to rise from the dead. </lie>

George W. Bush will be dressing up as his father tonight and going door to door begging for candy.

Dick Cheney will actually be dressing up as Hans Blix and going rubble-pile to rubble-pile in Tikrit begging for weapons of mass destruction. If he gets any, he'll put them in his secret lair under Pikes Peak.

The road to the top of Pike's Peak is the safest in America and may be driven at high speed with impunity.

You are the only person who can read this. Everyone else thinks it's a picture of the Eiffel Tower.

The Eiffel Tower was built by specially trained miniature french poodles. They were all worked to death, which is why they are now extinct.

I enjoy Halloween - especially having eggs thrown at my window, which I intend to use at a later date for mousaka.

I love Hallowe'en too. I spend the night of October 31st every year sitting atop the Eiffel Tower, talking to the ghosts of the miniature poodles, and launching eggs at Angus Prune's window with my ICBE launcher.

I alse threw eggs at Angus Prune, but missed every time.

Nicholas Parsons merely has to smile at them to heal damaged houseplants.

It is impossible to draw a picture of Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.

It is impossible to draw a picture on Michael Howard without the use of a chisel.

*SNAP* !
My feet are loger than my shins.

LONGER

My fridge is completely full, and I have plenty of money. </whinge>

The quickest way to Birmingham is through the middle of the roadworks on the M6 in rush hour.

The quickest way to Birmingham is to seek enlightenment as a combination cub scout/Buddhist monk, and then get earn a badge in Divinity. Ascend to Nirvana, and turn left.

I am so wonderful at my job, that people dare not look directly at me. Or it could be my lack of sleep.

Sleep is so useless that I never bother using it.

RE: Business Proposal/Partnership Investment

Dear Friend,
I received encouraging information about you and how trust worth you are. I am delighted with such a useful information. I am interested in the partnership investment program with your corporation. First permit me to introduce myself as Governor Sandy Soko of the Western Sahara State in the Democratic Republic of Sahara (A tiny Island in the Desert). Being the chief executive and the governor of my State. I awarded the contract of IRRIGATION to Portuguese Firm worth several millions of dollars.

In the execution of that project the Portuguese Firm discovered large amount of gold in one of the contract site. I collaborated with the Portuguese Firm on a mutual agreement on the proceed of which I have received my share of $65.000,000=(sixty five million dollars).

As the Governor of the Tiny Island, I cannot introduce or circulate this funds into the Sahara banking system considering my provisional duty and the considering the fact that I earn less than $1,000US dollars monthly coupled with the Bureau of conduct guidelines and regulations for Public Civil Servants.

The above situation prompted my decision to give the whole lot to you. I will arrange all necessary procedures. You will find the money in a brown envelope, sellotaped to the plastic giraffe in the children’s play area of Exeter service station.

Best Regards,
Governor Sandy Soko
Western Sahara.

A family of plastic giraffes have just moved in to a mansion just down the road from me.