"Good morning listeners! Today we are airing live for the first time from our brand new medical facility on Westhaven Court, to watch the razing of our old hospital on Easthaven Court, in approximately 3 minutes, and counting; overnight, the patients of Easthaven Medical were successfully evacuated and transported to our new location, and explosive charges planted in the basement to implode the entire structure in on itself. It will be a grand sight! I sure hope we did not leave anybody behind!"

Today we are happy to have Dr Watson who many of you will know. Now tell me Dr Watson, why do the other doctors call you Dr Death?

[nfras] A fine one on which to change topic.
Recap: Police Constable, Supermodel, Brain Surgeon, Farmer, Electrician, Car Mechanic, MC Coach, Evil Henchperson, Museum Curator, Somellier, Relationship Counsellor, Blacksmith, Nuclear Physicist, Shepherd, Stand-up Comic, Prostitute, Speaking Clock, Personal Trainer, Anthropomorphic Personification, Pope, Prime Minister, Taxi Driver, DVD Store Salesperson and Hospital Radio DJ.

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Weather Forecaster

We've had a call from Mrs S. in Gloucester saying there are floods there. Well, let me reassure you, Mrs S, that our models show there can't be floods, so you're perfectly safe, nothing to worry about.

The weather on Earth tomorrow will be generally windy, sunny, and overcast, rain ranging from showers to torrents, and snowstorms especially in polar regions. Equatorial desert areas will be hot. The long-range forecast indicates a rise in average temperatures of a degree or two over the next century. The Moon continues to be sunny by day with zero cloud cover and temperatures plummeting at night.

"You know, I've been completely lost since that last storm blew my piece of seaweed away."

"This (a cold front) will be moving south and there'll be some weather on it". Verbatim, more or less, from BBC R4 forecaster Kirsty McCabe, the de-rigeur-Scottish-woman-with-the-nasty-tinny-accent-who-knows-little-meteorology-and-will-be-off-doing-something-else-in-the-media-soon. Room 101, poss.

Page 3 girl speaking in a French accent out of a porn film: Zere will be a verree warm frurnt (thrusts infeasibly large chest towards viewer) approsheeng, an' eet will mek me verree verree 'ot, so 'ot zat I must -- to continue watching, enter your credit card details now.

Raak must divulge the channel he saw that on immediately, so we may all appraise the quality of the weather reports.

The Earth will shake and lightning will blaze down from the heavens to scorch the heathen! The ground will be rent asunder and fire and brimstone will issue forth from the cracks to suffocate the ungathered, and the four horsemen of the apocalypse, Famine, War, Disease and Income Tax, will ride amongst the howling masses, reaping from them a harvest of abject misery! Loud will be the screams of those dragged down into the fiery depths to suffer torment eternal! Sunday will be warm with scattered showers.

[SM] Lovely.

"A mild night, with temperatures 4 to 17 Celsius. That should cover it. We have to do this to cover our arses and avoid litigation. Crap, really. Shit! Was the mike on?

And we've just heard that tomorrow God will be on strike and we won't be having any weather at all of any kind.

"Hello, I'm Wincey Willis."

" ... which means we'll see a lot of those fluffy white things."

"Scorchio!"

Christ I'm soaked! I came out without a coat and umberella today.

If it is your fate to be rained on, you will be rained on. God will decide.

Okay people, it's time to spin the "Weather Wheel". Round and round and round she goes, where she'll end up no-one knows. Okay, that's "scattered showers" on the wheel. Now we throw the "Dart o' Prediction" at the Map and ... Brighton (near as dammit)! So that's "scattered showers in the Brighton Area" and we just need to roll the polyhedral Dice of Time and spin the dreidel of duration ... 5 hours starting at 6pm! While I'm figuring out the rest of Britain's weather, why don't we cut to camera three where Josh Atkins is ready at the bingo ping-pong ball machine to give you today's stock market trends and tips.

Let's have a look at what the chicken entrails are showing us today.

Today the San Andreas fault will open, drowning the HEATHEN DENS OF INQUITY of California. The shock will create a great wave that will sweep over the Earth scouring it clean of filth, except for the chosen few whom God in His infinite mercy has suffered to build an Ark to sail on the Flood.

"And if you're out and about watch out for that wind, which could cause structural damage into Thursday across the southern coastal fringes. Can't tell you the direction because we don't do vectors until Year 10."

[nfras]
<sings>Ayrton Senna has the voice of a tenor, Peter Snow sings very low, Mark Burano is a soprano, John Kettley, John Kettley, John Kettley... is a weatherman
John Kettley is a weatherman, a weatherman, a weatherman
John Kettley is a weatherman and so is Michael Fish
And so is Billy Giles
And so... is Ian... McCaskill...
... And so is Wincey Willis</sings>

There will be flooding in the north due to the heavy rain of the last few days, which was due to the cold front pushing in from the Atlantic, which...my God, it never ends, does it? Every day's weather is caused by the previous day's -- and causes the next! But that means...that the Earth must always have existed...and it always will exist...our entire lives are to Eternity as less than an atom in the whole universe! We are nothing! Aieeeee!

There will be a 33.25% chance of rain today and a 12.5% chance of snow. Sunshine is 8% likely and a warm dry day with no sun is a 25% chance. Cool and overcast is 20% likely. So that leaves a 1.25% chance of no weather at all. I'm Peter Snow, goodnight.

If you're going out today, make sure to take with you 40% of an umbrella, 10% of a pair of wellies, and 5% of a tube of sunblock.

[Raak] I was watching the weather report the other day and it stated a 50% chance of rain, essentially meaning that either it will rain or it won't. How very helpful.

(nfras) What would you like them to have said, given the inherent uncertainty in weather forecasting?

[Rosie] "It could do anything, if you look out of your window you'll have a better idea than we do."

Are the stars out tonight? I don't care if it's cloudy or bright, for I only have eyes for yooooou...!

Owing to a widespread attack of pathetic fallacy, tomorrow's weather will be determined by the collective mood of the populace. So please cheer up, you miserable buggers.

Tomorrow will be muggy, The next day will be tuggy, followed by wuggy, thuggy and fuggy.

Eh-oh!