"Especially for junior doctors on the night shift, here is a selection of soothing lullabies."

And now an urgent message for Mr Eric Sergeantson in the Kensington Ward. You were told this afternoon that you had 48 hours to live, but there has been a mistake. Dr Humphreys says he was meant to tell you yesterday. Now, Groove is in the Heart by Deee-lite.

"Pssssst ... Hello? This is God. Yes, you lying in the bed there .......... that's right I 'm talking to you. It is time. Come into the light my child. Come into the light."

And here's Madness with Cardiac Arrest

A special request from the staff in the STD Clinic, It started with a kiss.

And if you're in the isolation ward, here are the Police with Don't Stand So Close To Me. (I should point out at this stage that I was a Hospital Radio DJ in a previous incarnation - i.e. when I was a student). [Yoakum] Nice one

"For everyone on the intensive care ward, here's The Eagles with Hotel California, and remember, you can check out any time, but you can't leave."

And another one for the Cardiac ICU, Madonna with Die Another Day.

" ..... and so good luck to all in Accident and Emergency - break a leg!"

Don't touch that dial!-ysis machine.

And now here's our friend James with a quick run down of all the events and happenings in the town today. James - what's everyone missing?

Now, a special event has been happening in the hospital this week. I have right here a note that says that the South African Mr Universe has been visiting patients in the hospital and helping to raise their spirits and get them back home soon. Oh, wait, that's a misprint. I should say MRSA has been round the wards this week and 300 beds are now vacant.

For Mrs Trellis in geriatric, here is a request from your family, Neil Sedaka Stairway To Heaven.

[Softers] Shurely Stairlift

That was Desperate Dan. We continue our 24-hour, commercial-free Lieutenant Pigeon marathon with Mouldy Old Dough. Again.

Here is a traffic report: Owing to a fire in (names the hospital) all roads have been closed in the vicinity and there is serious conges...... Shi-i-i-i-t, I'm going.

A message to Debbie and Paul Tarnish, from their father in the colostomy ward. He says not to worry, he's doing fine. Meanwhile, here's the Godfather of Soul with Papa's Got a Brand New Bag

"And now, for your enjoyment we will broadcast a short radio drama entitled, The Murder of Patient X In Room 9906. While it is airing, your host will be away from his mike recording tomorrow's episode, The Copycat Murder of Patient Y."

[Oegy] LoooL