My first is in flannel but not in towel my second's in shovel and also in trowel
my third is in upshot and utter and u-bolt my fourth is in rifle and also in Northolt
my fifth is in twaddle and teaspoon and teddy my sixth is in Helen but never in Reddy
my seventh in iron is first in the line my eighth is in red sky a delightful sign
my ninth is in toothbrush and taxi and tack my tenth is in yo-yo and yam and in yak
just add thirty seconds, by now make it fifty and you've got the time without looking. How nifty!

At the th..th..th..third st..st..st..strohfuckit.

Chill, man, who cares what time it is? Put down the phone, walk barefoot through the grass, turn on, tune in, drop out.

The big hand is pointing somewhere between the twelve and the one, the little hand is pointing somewhere between the three and the six. So it must be twenty past twelve. or so. ish.

At the third stroke it will be three eighty-six and ninety seconds.

At the third stroke, Mr. Bond, the device will detonate. Say your prayers, 007.

:)

---

Leaving Mr Bond on a cliffhanger, we move on to: Personal Trainers

Got a light?

The best thing for a broken leg is to just keep on running. The more it hurts, the more it's healing.

Look! The sooner you finish the two press-ups, the sooner we can get down to the Sunday Buffet at the Chinese. It's 9.99 for everything you can eat today.

I steal your girlfriend!

Well if you can't be bothered, neither can I.

No, I promise you, it's just a vitamin supplement.

Christ, these things are heavy!

Sex?

It helps if you use the equipment whilst naked. At least, it helps me :op

Fourteen....fifteen....keep going....sixteen...nineteen, sevent - wait - hang on - oh, bugger, we'd better start again - one...two...keep going....three....

My God, you're sweating, how disgusting!

Look into my eyes, you are feeling very sleepy...

Here boy, here boy, Over to the running machine! Come on! That's it. Goooooood boy. Have a chocolate treat. All right, come on, boy, jump up. Gooood. All right, here we go... Walkies!

I used to be a fat bastard like you.

If it's an effort, you're doing it wrong.

Now, sit on the floor cross-legged, lotus posture if you can manage it, close your eyes, and chant along wth me, "Ommmmm.....", and as you feel the vibrations filling you, visualise those muscles getting stronger, "OMMMmmmmmmm.........., imagine running effortlessly, "OMMMMMMmmmmmmm.............."

Sorry, but if you don't go into cardiac arrest, you're just not trying hard enough.

Now remember, these are toning exercises, you don't want to develop horrid nasty muscles.

Hello? - Sorry, can't come next week - done me back in.

Get that arse!

Right, twenty pressups NOW, and if I see that flabby belly touch the floor once, *thwack* it'll be six more of these *thwack*. And remember to say "Thank you, Mistress" after each one or you'll get an hour chained to the treadmill.

---

Bit of a set-up this one: Anthropomorphic personification

<diplomatic> I can't quite see what's required here.</diplomatic>

[Rosie] I think perhaps Simons' title is too broad. He may be asking for "furry fandom" input, on the other hand he may, for example, mean the tall skeleton with the hooded black robe and the scythe. I think clarification is required before any posts can be made, or we'll all be confused.

Is it the old Goon Show joke?
"Would you like to see my impressions of wax fruit?"
"Can you do a banana?"
Pause... "In the privacy of your own home, you CAN do a banana."