The conventional view is that museums hold things of the past. Why don't we challenge that and build a museum of the present! An exhibition of the best of modern life: espresso machines, boy bands, and Jade Goody nude. And we'll never run out of space, when we throw out the new to make way for the newer.

I only broke it a little bit.

"I think embellishing some works with a marker pen makes them more accessible."

"Ooooh-la-la, my first order of business will be to gargle with lavoris, next I'll slap on a little cologne, and finally its off to reanimate old Queen Hatshepsut in her drab sarcophagus. Now, WHERE did I put that 'Do Not Disturb' sign?"

I don't know why the Greeks are so obsessed with marbles, but can't we pay them off with a few bags of aggies?

Listing all these civilizations by name is racist, and separating the artifacts into so-called "cultures" only demonstrates outdated tunnel-visioned stereotyping.

During the Christmas holidays I decide to re-order everything according to colour and size. So much tidier, don't you think?

Congratulations Madame. You are our 100,000th visitor and so you will be allowed to take home any exhibit in the museum.

*stumble* Oops.

That statue has a penis showing! Bring me the chisel!

*guffaw* [wiping away tears of mirth]

Was that a passing museum curator?

I'm quite shocked at the state of disrepair of so many of our exhibits. I'm going to commission some artists to recarve the features on the Easter Island statue, and a couple of gallons of plastic wood should see the old Polynesian boats in proper working order again.

The Romans? Are they like old French people or something?

[Projoy] That's Jade Goody, isn't it?

What this place needs is an exhibition called "Jade Goody Nude".

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In honour of a teetotal friend of mine: sommelier

An excellent choice, sir. [sotto voce] Strictly entre nous, I like that one so much that I swiped a couple of bottles last Saturday, took them home and got completely rat-arsed!

We'd save a lot of money by buying any old plonk and replacing the labels with whatever we want to print up. The punters will believe whatever I tell them.