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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Who had a mishap with a lighter
His Zero caught fire
And he faced Tojo's ire
For smoking at work, the poor blighter.
There once was a Christmas elf
Who suffered from very poor helf
So he went to the doc
Who did naught but mock
And charged him the bulk of his welf
Nngh Naouwfaouwk vaey aouw taouwk woik vif "In Norfolk they all talk like this"
Whaa'? Even 'ng pahsh taoüns loike Diff? "What? Even in posh towns like Diss?"
Jeg vil prøve å lære det "I'd try to learn it"
Fast jag är en analfabet "Though I am an analphabit"
Póg mo thóin! Tá mo bhríste trí thine! "Kiss my ass! My trousers are burning like this"
There once was a chic little chick (back to basics)
A fashionista that made the rest sick
Her little black dress
Revealed to the press
A house built of silicone brick "If you can remember the seventies, would you admit it?"

Marc - Twas the Night before Christmas I think,
That I thought I would have a wee drink
So I poured out a brandy
Got a hooker called Mandy
And called Charlie Sheen's shrink. (apologies about the reference to the US News)
At the end of this year let me say,
It's been 52 weeks of great play
This collective of wit
- since its fuse was first lit -
has taxed my matter that's gray.
A new year's a time for new things
And a time when ev'rybody sings
So let's sip some wine
With some food that's divine (Can anyone please explain Giertrud's line? I do not understand it at all but I am a blody foreigner of course...)
And wait till the microwave pings . Grey matter - a reference to the stuff inside the head - i.e. the brain.
I've forgotten the things that I knew
For example, is this year still new?
And if not, then how old
We should all be told
If I'm kept in the dark - I shall sue
While stuck on the M25
A shortcut I tried to contrive
But my detour through SloughYou have the option - sluff or slouw...
Was more than enough enuff or enow...
To add a half hour to my drive
Hey, have you seen my rubber?
If I don't find it I'll blubber.
Is it this one - the black? (G and KS, I admire the remarcable precision in two different persons posting ;-)
Flavoured if you need a snack
Another mercy killing -
Bubba bubba bubba bubba bubba
Now play properly!
Spangle, your license is now confiscated. You may go to your room and stay there!
We'd very much like you to try
Finding rhymes that will fit, don't be shy
When you've done that
Verses won't go all "splat"
Or fizzle out and just die
Oh look! Here's a blow-up sheep!
[G] No there isn't. 1. It doesn't scan. 2. It's effing childish. Try harder.
[penelope] I, too, am deeply disappointed with the children's recent behaviour.
Spangle - I need to confess to a crime
I've wasted four hours of your time
But in my defence
I will use common sense
To provide you both reason and rhyme
I need to confess to a sin
I went out the door that said "In"
My erratic egress
To my X's address
Is because my mind's in a spin
Was a flimsy excuse to buy gin
My shame of embarrassing sin oh this is turning out to be a sorry tale...
I've drowned in a gallon of gin
My soul's taken flight
So I think that I might
Have some fun in the hell that I'm in
Alas and alack! Woe, is me!
I think I just scraped my knee!
As I kneeled on the floor
Wrestling with a trapdoor [Marc] Is "kneeled" modern American for "knelt"?
While fleeing the L.A.P.D.[Raak] both are acceptable here in the States.
There once was a kneeling young nun [Raak] Don't ask me, I'm an alien using MS-word for my poofreading...
Who thought she'd stand up just for fun
Her habit then ripped.
And her modesty slipped
But she made the third page of 'The Sun'
Monty Python would just be so proud
if you played a tuba that's loud!
With dead parrots in tow
Let's get on with the show!
Individuals all in this crowd!
Whilst playing "The Liberty Bell"
Our bandstand collapsed - then we fell
And the bell fell and cracked
So with guilt I am wracked
And Ben Franklin is giving me hell
A round of applause please - I've just
Excavated this ancient Greek bust
It is Aphrodite
It's going back to Blighty
After I've cleaned all the dust.
My camera's screen's certainly dying
I broke my scanner too without much trying
So now I can't scan - pun intended - oh yeah
'cause when shit hits the fan [Spangle] Brilliant!
It is off to the shop and start buying.
While bringing a meeting to order
I played the Bach "Air" on recorder
After tapping the mike
Someone said "Take a hike!"
For my Musical Offering just bored her.
I've done all your laundry by hand well... almost half of it - the washing machine is broken
And to scrub every floor I have planned
Including the loo
And the soot-laden flue
And the beach that's STILL covered in sand!
One day an old Pearly King
Was somehow mistaken for Sting
Every breath that he took
Caused his fizzog to look
Like a tantric arrangement of bling
It's so cold I think hell freezes over
As I'm driving my old Vauxhall Nova
My fingers are numb
And so is my bum (oblig.)
How long is it 'til I read Dover?
It's taken four years to explain
Where the rain falls in some parts of Spain
Yet the answer was clear
It's in Andalucía
Hidden textDriest part, actually. Too bad.
Where they have located the drain!

I tried finding words to rhyme clear
Then gave up, and went to buy beer
When I entered the store
I found it cost more
So my eye developed a tear
I cried, and I cried, and I cried,
For I tried, and I tried, and I tried
But dear oh dear
I do fear, I do fear
That you lied and you lied and you lied.
[M, R, S, i, P] That's the most heart-rending limerick I think we've ever had. Well done.
Now let's think of cheerier matters
Like Tommy Cooper and other mad hatters
Morecombe and Wise?
Making mud pies
With their dressing gowns covered in spatters
It's time for my daily banana
All smothered with pureed sultana
A durian milk shake
(Quite a smelly mistake!)
Maybe I'll come back manãna
There's a reason I don't like young Dave
And I'll share it with you 'cause I'm brave
Is, he scares me, y'see
With that noise as he wee
And the daredevil way that he shave Marc, is English your native language? Because sometimes I wonder, the way you force rhymes in when the subject and sense just don't fit.
There once was a man with a beard
Which he grew because folks said he leered
But he leered unabated
At each lady he dated
And that Sir, is how come he got sheared.
While trying to play Brubeck's Take Five
My feet started dancing the jive
Their groovy gyrations
Made large perturbations
- I'm told that her toes won't survive.
Tonight is a full Lenten Moon
Which comes not a moment too soon
For I have indulged
And my belly has bulged
I admit - I'm a thorough poltroon
My favourite Uncle has claimed
That he was mistakenly blamed
For the financial mess
And for cheating in chess
For which he was named, shamed and maimed.
[p,S,M,P] :-)
"In jail you belong Uncle Andy!"
"Your excesses go beyond randy"
"For your lecherous way"
"You now have to pay"
But first, pour me some of that brandy?
Please stop this absurd punctuation
It leads to complete obfuscation
Say the words as they're spelled
Like "yacht", "Keighley", "knelt" (Raak) I'm sure you meant "spelt".
or "supertranssubstantiation"
All of us use electricity
Its chiefest appeal is simplicity
However, some find
That Propane gas, combined
In the kitchen causes duplicity
My mouse balls are sticky with dust
Which disables the joy of mouse lust well, really!
So I've screwed off the plug
Gave its balls a good tug
All of which leaves my mouse quite nonplussed
My monitor's baleful stare
Seems to plead, "Is anyone there?"
The answer, so sad
Because it's just a fad
To use this outdated hardware.
I've revived my old VC10
Which I last flew in - goodness known when!
Though its synthetic sound (http://www.vintagesynth.com/korg/vc10.php)
Makes it bound to the ground
Though we're airborne each Friday at ten.
The next time I see a black cat
At it I shall throw my hat
I shall swear curse and spit [Softers] Wouldn't 'old hat' give your line a better scansion?
As I rightly see fit
Then kick it away. And that's that.
Incredible as it may seem
I like being broad in the beam
The comfort I get
From a full buttock set
Is matched by a fine bosom team
[P, i, p, So, Sp] Jolly good, I enjoyed that :-)
My shoulder is hurting like hell
And it makes my arm ache as well Actually this is timely, I have a trapped nerve in my shoulder and it does hurt like hell!
I must give up darts
And start dating tarts
As my jerk-muscle's started to swell.

I shall reach for my coat and my hat
Don them, adjust my cravat (Chasty) Your jerk muscles are situated in your hand and forearm and I detect overuse.
The make for the door
For us who don't score
The whorehouse will remedy that
My life has been turned upside down
In my new job as "Famed Head-stand Clown"
The blood to my head rushes
Which gives me hot flushes
Which at least brings some kind of renown
There once was a man who was smart
Who could cunningly conceal a fart
Or so he had thought Fool. You can never achieve that.
Because he was caught
Claiming hydrogen sulphide as art.
I wish I had super strength
I'd not ask, "Are the foils all a length?"
I would just use me arms
And switch on all my charms
Albeit imbibe far less absinthe.
One day while washing my car
Of bird droppings, fag ash and tar Last one absolutely dreadful.
Which clogged up my chamois *careful now*
And made it all clammy Antipodean Pronunciation invoked
Now it's shining and worthy a Czar
In French, but not English, there's gender (Pablo) Wot, clamwah?.
In UK its a wing, not a fender
US -"center", not "centre"
but you can tell what is meant: a
In this case we've arrived at The Ender.
My boss (it's a she) never knows
The colour I've painted my toes
One day I'll surprise her
By using Budweiser
And the powder left from Cheetos.
The good folk of Chorlton-cum-Hardy
Are quite underweight - never lardy
But the chiels o' Dumfries
Are loaded with grease
Smelly, obese and quite mardy
There was an old man of Dundee called William Topaz McGonagall.
Who wrote verse that the people of Dundee and beyond found comical
He strove with heroic verse both night and day
Each effort more disastrous than the Tay
His poetry you can still see, serialised in the Edinburgh Chronicle
It seems at last we've found our level
And so we can begin to revel [Simons]Is this some quaint old Tudor metre for limericks that you have resurrected?
Poetic form is so passé 4 lines, AABB?
The Lim'rick déclassé - It still works as a Limerick, IMHO: It seems at last we've found our level / And so we can begin to revel / Poetic (pronounced pwetic) form is so passé
But this stuff sounds more like Phil Neville. (Phil notNeville) You're a kinder man than me. SM's line can be greatly improved by inverting we've and at last. (Pablo) Any further references to "quaint old Tudor" will be treated with the utmost disdain. :-)
So who took my great name in vain
The whole world, old chap, once again Not a diamond geezer, then.
On the silvery Tay
As you stood up to say: [Rosie]Scorn my Tudor references as you will, the fact remains that Simons started us off in 6/8 metre but with crotchet-quaver pattern ending on a weak beat, whereas you finish with traditional limerick 6/8, all in quavers and finishing on the strong beat. Metric mismatch! (Sorry for expressing it in musical terms but have forgotten all that anapestic/trochaic/pterodactyls stuff.)
"Would you look at that f***ing big train!"
That's silly enough for the nonce
About with this stuff let's not ponce (Pablo) It was mock indignation, a joke (note the smiley), nothing to do with metre. Are you aware of my real name, and age? I thought most the the Morniverse was.
Just get to the point
Or we'll have to appoint
A gendarme to whack noobs on the bonce.
I spied from behind a net curtain
A something, of which I'm not certain? It could be... may-be not... or may-be it's... No, sorry I can't make it out, can any of you?
Could it be a duck? [Rosie] re name and age, I have heard rumours, but would not like to act on anything unsubstantiated :-)
Flattened out by a truck
Or hotpot by Betty Turpin
The Thames did once stink to high heaven
In fact, you could smell it from Devon
But some Eau de Cologne
Shipped by old Sly Stallone
Raised the pH to eleven. Caustic comments awaited.
It's true! I've seen elves, gnomes, and fairies
Who always pick my strawberries.
These funny wee folk
My joints they will smoke
And annoy me by shouting "Hail Marys"
While mowing my lawn in the rain
My foot felt a quite sudden pain
It turns out I'd stood
On something that should
Have driven a maniac insane.
Last night as I went to the pub
for a pint, or maybe some grub
But stood at the bar
Was my own avatar
Who'd escaped from the Second Life hub. Anyone else here active on Second Life?
I've just written a lovely new tune
A duet for steel drum and bassoon
Its tinny low drone
Like an orgasmic groan
Sounds so sweet on a warm night in June. Apparently not, then.
I stood on my own in the dark
Aghast, in Van Cortlandt Park
With my money all gone
In the Bronx, all forlorn
I felt a bit of a nark
Don't look at the sun through binocs
Or sail over Niag. in a box
If thrills you must seek
Just pretend you are Greek
And try changing fonts in a .docx
[Raak] I spent a few months playing with Second Life a few years back. I found it interesting but also somewhat baffling. I think I never figured out whether to be me, or whether I should be creating some new persona. Maybe I should take a look back in there again sometime.
[CdM] It's said that introverts tend to make avatars that are copies of themselves, while extroverts make avatars completely unlike themselves. My first av was basically a copy of me, although it's evolved away from that (for one thing, it's female now), and my second I started with something random and have been tweaking it ever since. I'm still the same person behind the keyboard though -- I find it impossible to put on a different manner with a different avatar.
My avatar's manic and loud
It wants to stand out in the crowd
To advertise me
And accept a small fee
And for this I am not at all proud.
There once was a wonderful kisser
(It's no wonder so many miss her.)
Her lips she did pucker
Like a giant squid's sucker
But sadly she's pulling your pisser The one with the belt missing, thanks
My trenchcoat is missing its belt
I found out just now when I felt u.s.a.
The breeze quite so cold
It made certain things BOLD
So i hurried back home at full pelt...
I know where I am - I am lost!
And really don't need to be bossed!
So shuddupa ya face
Just get on the case
And tell me which oceans I've crossed?
Relying on GPS
I think there's a missing 'my' in that line. On that assumption:
Is a sure route to anguish and stress
It's well-known to deceive
Or at least I believe
'Cos I wanted Bough Beech; got Loch Ness.
A certain young kangaroo
To an emu said, "How do you do?"
The emu replied
"Good! You Bonnie, me Clyde"
"Let us rob this here old boring zooo!"
There once was a golden-brown beer
That brought many pub crawlers good cheer
but at Earls Court
Always asked for "Red Port"
And was rightly chucked out on 'is ear.
Myself, I prefer a nice pinot
Or a cool Andalucian fino
But if push comes to shove
I've an illicit love
For pretty much any cheap vino.
Ha - v neat!
What Mr or Ms Bystander just said. That was excellent.

Life is too short for bad wine
Though having said that I'll opine [c,S,C,I,P] Stellar!
That even the worst
Will extinguish your thirst ...ugh...
And too much will rend you supine
I lie on my back and I think
Oh why did I have that last drink?
As my gut starts to churn
And my face starts to gurn
I quickly head for the sink
The porcelain throne I now face
Which my arsehole's about to deface One for you, Phil.
Both ends will soon spew
My message to you
While myself, I disgrace.
A topic of general bad taste
Is likely to get you maced
A sense of decorum
In this here forum
Behave - or forever be chased ...
I just splashed out on some new bedding
Where my bride will lay after our wedding
I hope she likes neon
'Cos it must be an aeon (irach) Is lay transitive? If so, who is the layee? The bridgegroom, presumably. If intransitive is she a chicken, great in egg? Did you mean lie?.
And put her in the mood for clothes shedding.
[Rosie]lay (lâ) transitive verb , (Slang) to have sexual intercourse with. ("Layee" works both ways, it's not just the groom's prerogative - ever heard of "woman on top", or do you think just "missionary"?
As I climbed to the top of the tower
I saw just out of reach, a small flower
With petals petite
And aroma so sweet,
Tried to pick it and fell for an hour.... (crash-boom-bang)
There are ways that are good and there's bad
Ways to explain to your dad
That you've just seen your Mum (irach) All blather. You meant lie, just as the woman next door meant when I used to hear her bellowing at her baby to "lay down!" "Pass him the bottles, then", I mutter. In any case, one doesn't lay; one gets laid.
oh dear, the possiblities. but i resist... With that idiot from
(cfm) "From" doesn't rhyme with "Mum". Are you some typically dimwitted fucking Yank or something?

[irach] The Merriam-Webster Dictionary of English Usage (which is the only truly worthwhile reference on style I have ever come across) observes that, in spoken English, "...there is the simple longevity of intransitive lay, almost 700 years of continuous use." It concludes its entry as follows (emphasis mine):
"Notwithstanding the belief of some that social judgments can be solidly based on language use, the lay-lie shibboleth may be changing its status. For instance, several commentators, such as Evans 1957, Follett 1966, and Flesch 1983, are perfectly willing to give the distinction up; Bolinger 1980 thinks it is already a lost cause not worth defending; Copperud 1970, 1980 judges the consensus of his experts that at least some uses of lay for lie are verging on standard; Flesch even goes so far as to recommend using lay for lie if it comes naturally to you.

"If lay "lie" is on the rise socially, however, it is likely to be a slow rise, as indignant letters to the editor attest. Bolinger observes sensibly that if you have invested some effort in learning the distinction, you will not want to admit that you have wasted your time. ... So what should you do? The best advice seems to be Bolinger's:
"Many people use lay for lie, but certain others will judge you uncultured if you do. Decide for yourself what is best for you."


[Rosie] Dear oh dear oh dear. You really need to get out more, see the world. There are many more ways of speaking English than you encounter in your particular little corner of suburbia.
"From" barely rhyme "Mum": http://www.rhymezone.com/r/rhyme.cgi?Word=mum&typeofrhyme=perfect&org1=syl&org2=l&org3=y
Rosie vs the rest: 0 - 2
Interestingly the 'lay/lie' issue is addressed by Geoffrey Pullum today in Language Log and he sticks to the (in)transitive distinction more than Merriam-Webster does. I think there may be a bit of transatlantic variation here on the levels of acceptability. I also wouldn't rhyme 'mum' and 'from' any more than 'mom' and 'crumb', though I wouldn't call someone out on it.
This is all just the result of a typing error. I'm sure that cfm simply omitted to type the word "Brum" at the end of his line in his line before posting.
The Pru [he's a bit of a cad]. Now stop being a silly, Rosie. You're worth more than this pettyfogging quibblesome nonsense. And I do believe that's the very first time I have used the word pettyfogging - - - :^)
If you make me an offer I might
Do something to you to delight
For sufficient incentive
I can be quite inventive
And promise to play - not to fight!
Would you like to come over and play?
I've fun toys here--what do you say?
There's Tigger and Roo
And don't forget Pooh!
But forget Andy Pandy - he's gay
Should we play today out in the street? [p,c,i,g,s] applause
Smash a shop, bash a cop on his beat!
We can burn with impunity
Destroy our community
—Ah, look at those kids. Ain't they sweet?
well done
If you wake in the middle of the night
With an feeling that something's not right
Grab your old cricket bat
And put on a hard hat
Will this you laid? Well - it might.
Let there be no doubt at all about the meaning of 'laid'
If an egg can get laid in the morning
It may do so without any warning.
The poor shell-shocked hen
Gets caught short in its pen
And the cock shake his tail and start mourning ...
The chick or the egg - what came first?
The Eggs! From their shells chicks do burst!
But who laid the eggs?
Is the question this begs
Damn it! Let them be cursed and recursed!
There were eggs before chicks had evolved
The issue, I think, is resolved
Now, scrambled or fried?
I can never decide
And what's more - will not get involved
Fry me some eggs in sweet butter
While I practise long strokes with my putter
Bring me baked beans [Tuj] That was a truly excellent line.
While I put on my jeans
Do I sound like a farty golf nutter?
If planted, this seed will produce ... Enough with the egg thing!
A berry beloved by moose
If you climb up the tree
You're certain to see
Bullwinkle up there, on the loose
[irach} *smiles*
When the road has become kind of Rocky
Take advice from an amateur jockey
Keep your bum in the air
Cling on tight to your mare
Or you'll throw up your pre-race lunch gnocchi
In Siberia, gnocchi are served
In a manner that leaves me unnerved
'Cos pasta on tundra
Will make me a chund'rer
And that is just what I've deserved...
This night I woke up in a dream
And said "Things are not quite as they seem"
I can't cross the oceans
And control bowel motions
But I'll just check the sheets - hope they're clean
This morning light promises much
A day full of happiness, such... unfini
as olives! And kisses!
And best wedding wishes!
For Pen and her dear old Dutch
(oblig)
Aaaaah - hope they like olives ...
I remember, on my honeymoon
I was caught in an Indian monsoon
To shelter from harm
We found an old barn
Which was cheaper than renting a room
A cheapskate I'll always be
The check's never handed to me
I don't pay my share
Which you may think unfair
But why pay when you get it for free? oblig.
Buy one and you'll get one free!
If two's not enough, then take three!
Buy three, the fourth's yours
Plus a fifth one, of course
And here, have the sixth one on me
"Discount? What's that?" said the vendor
I've a way of seducing the spender
Without special offers
I'll empty your coffers
Like Sanjay Kapoor from Eastenders
And I don't even watch soaps, honest
[Botherer] would've been even better if last 2 words had been 'the Eastender' Good to see you btw :)
[Chalky] Good call! And thanks, good to be back! So on that note:
The problem I have with the soaps
Is the plot-makers clearly are dopes
They think that disaster
Piled higher and faster
Is better than most TV tropes
In early Pre-Christian Rome
A scribe penned a lengthy old tome
Its mysterious pages   (How can you pen an old tome? If you're penning it, it's brand new.)
Took him ages and ages
[Raak] I wondered about that myself (from a print media perspective) but perhaps
Cos he carved them in wood with a comb.

I'm building an old ruined abbey
Coz I'm old and infirm and quite scabby - I realise, of course, that my contribution is not in the best possible taste. Just shoot me now.
Each brick I place crumbles
The Lord above grumbles [Raak] Outstanding "subliminal" message
As His Kingdom on Earth looks so flabby
When people say "ends of the earth"
I wonder what they have "learth."
We must all reconsider our lines [cfm, KS] Maybe you should also reconsider your lines?
Lest the Limerick Police impose fines
Bad rhythm and scansion
And metric expansion Nothing remotely wrong with cfm's opener there.
Will soon provoke grumbles and whines
(Indeed: cfm's line fitted all the scansion requirements for a limerick)

When people say "ends of the earth"
They seldom mean further than Perth
But "back of beyond"
Or "over the pond"
Is never a place of great worth


There's no call nowadays for a sword
A wigwam, an easel, or fjord
Or for correction fluid
Unless you're a druid unfini
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