mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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And so it begins....

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By the light of far fusion-fueled flames. Try saying that three times quickly.

My washing line is a catenary

Supplying railway machinery

Hmmm... I thought I posted this comment before, but maybe I just previewed. Anyway, [SW], maybe I am missing something, but I simply cannot make sense of your line as a follow-up to Rosie's. And judging by the silence here, neither can anyone else...

The purple giraffe

Is good for a laugh

And greatly enhances the scenery. (CdM) Possibly, but he could be referring to those little chains that used to connect loose-coupled wagons. Anyway, I've broken all the rules by ending this one and nearly did so earlier, my first line being a bit too technical, perhaps.

The funniest limerick written

Is about a pair of blue mittens

Or, perhaps, just the one? irony invoked

With a hole in its thumb?

Gnawed on by a pair of blue kittens

The distance from here to Kentucky

May be leapt in one jump by the plucky

Just settle your stance,

Aim squarely for France

And you'll get there on time if you're lucky

There was a young man from Brazil [CdM, Rosie] actually, I was referring to one of these

Who decided to write his own will

"Mi Testamento", he began

To ten sides of foolscap it ran (Softers) I'd forgotten about those wires and so had CdM, possibly. I'm not into electrics, as you know. :-)

With scansion that made readers ill.

A crusty curmudgeon from Dover

Always puked when he heard "The Wild Rover"

'Cos his car was a Metro

Its styling so retro

With a failed MOT moreover

I drive a Mercedes-Benz well, not really

Old, with knocking big ends

Its top speed is thirty

Its air filter's dirty

But ya gotta keep up with the trends

An Escort estate is my steed

I've started to run it on mead

The fumes really stink

Like me, after drink

But it goes like a honey on speed

A Dutchman called Maurice van Hoote 2 syllabubs in Hoote.

Wore clogs that war werkelijk te groote

Zij kwetsen zijn voeten

Werstopft wurst van Hooten Flamish dialect warning!

Hij stempelde helemaal over het fruit Slightly dodgy flow warning!

Can we do a bifurcated Limerick that at least scans in two languages at once? If it rhymes in both languages too, then so much the better, but I reckon rhyming in one language would be enough.
Un loup-garou mangeait un chat - A werewolf was eating a cat

Qu'il a pris dans un sous-sol, à bas - Which he found in a sub-basement flat
Sounds like an idea for the Wretchedly Difficult Poetry game on Orange

Quand tout à coup - When quite suddenly

Il dit "Je m'en fous" - Said "Bovvered? Not me" Don't ask me to try one in Welsh. 5 lines out of 5 is a bad form, and my Dad would turn in his grave.:-)

"Est ce ce que je fais que cela!" - "This is what I do - and that's that !"

Beware of the were-armadillo!

For example, Michael Portillo

Was bit on the knee

As he went out to pee

On the range near the town, Amarillo

In Esher they often do say

That a moron is born every day btw, congrats to everyone in the bilingual limerick - bloody marvellous!

In Egham, meanwhile

High achievement's in style

Unless pissed, when they fall in the Wey.

Oi! Waiter! This soup's ruddy cold!

Your tip, my good man, is on hold

The gratuity's due

But it ain't for you

So hot up your pace - you've been told!
I'm sure there's a witty finish to this stalled* limerick - but as no-one has ventured one, you'll have to accept my dull offering.

*< musing > It's strange how some limericks simply run out of steam. In this instance, despite a lively start, lines 3 and 4 merely re-iterated line 2, offering no real development of the idea/story, leaving us with no where to go. < /musing >

So we need to develop the plot

Whether it thickens or not

So develop the tale

Or Chalky will wail

But make sure your scansion is hot!

That's a whole different kettle of fish

(That's fish in a pot, not a dish)

So boil up your cod

Freshly caught on a rod

I'm sure it will turn out delish

I say! Is that blood on your hand?

Or are you just overly tanned?

Your skin is so red

Is anyone dead?

Did you take out the man that you planned?

Hurry along now, nothing to see here.

Strategy is a technique

'Tho sometimes appearing oblique

Choosing tactics to use

will never excuse

Just guessing in moments of pique I fear that may have strayed into being too vague & abstract

If you're uncertain, just guess Opposite-limerick experiment

You're sure to be right, more or less

Thus, my prediction

turns out to be fiction [Juxtapose] Did you mean backwards, or something else?

Please tell me if No or if Yes?

I’m sure Easter Bunnies lay egg

Such bunnies, they say, have two leg

With chocolate ears

They don't so well hears

Poor things - they're simply the dreg.

In anger I say, "Son of gun!" Continuing with "deliberately bad grammar" theme

"You've stolen my last Hot Cross Bun!"

Your greed, it are frightful

Proceed, that's so spiteful

You bastard - Attila the Hun! Swiftly moving on wishing you all a nice April-fools day

There once was a plumber from Lodz careful.... :-)

Who worked as a conjuror's stodz

His rabbits, he found

Kept on going to ground

And they'd use the town's drains for refyodz

When selecting a verse's last word

From whimsy be not deterred

Nor sarcastic or trite

Rather witty than bright

And genius will be inferred

The Lim'rick's a wonderful verse

With a range from whimsical to terse

In which we display

Our skills every day

'Tho sometimes our scansion is worse

While Edward Lear turns in his grave

Say 'Bah' to the form - misbehave!

Au contraire, I insist

With perfection persist

To scansion and rhyme be a slave

The moon, as it waxes and wanes

Elicits weird urges in Danes

Their flesh gets too solid

Their conscience too stolid

They drink lots of Carlsberg while rattling their chains

The best beer of choice is Black Gold,

By the cubic mile is it sold

To giants on Mars

That wear J-cup bras

Double glazed so they keep out the cold.

If you ever have tea with the Pope

Tell the obnoxious bastard to get a fucking grip and consider the suffering of his morally intractable position on condom use.

Should have been "suffering caused by"... sorry. Normal unranty service now resumes

Simons Said: If you ever have tea with the Pope

Ask if he'd fancy a grope

Most likely he'll say

"Come later today"

When I'll ask of two nuns, 'Where's the soap?' " Please excuse the iffy punctuation, but I think you'll find my poetic licence is up-to-date.

While scooping baked beans from a tin (Phil) I see you are the proud possessor of the Diploma of Advanced Filth as well.

I drunk a whole bottle of gin

Now there's beans on the floor

And I'm drunk, and what's more

I am sure I've comitted a sin (to be cont'd...)

'case the gin that I gulped wasn't mine

'cause the gin that I gulped wasn't mine

I thought that was a reasonable continuation? So:

Marc - 'cause the gin that I gulped wasn't mine

(It belonged to Jeremy Vine)

I'd best make amends - < mode/school ma'am > What a messy page! You can all stay behind at break .. < /mode>

Or we'll never be friends

So I've bought him this sparkling white wine.

The Pope's in the US of A

Shooting craps with New Jersey's D.A.

Their guns on the table

And a hooker named Mabel

Oh no here come the press! Run away!

In the US is also G Brown

Upstaged by Pope Talk-of-the-Town

Our own dour Scot

Is expecting a lot

Like swim 'cross the (baptismal) font - or just drown

There isn't a lot one can do

On a visit to old Kathmandu

Its strange architecture

Can trigger conjecture

That architects there were bored too.

While reading an Icelandic Saga (i,C,P,b) Top drawer. Still quietly chortling.

Queen Ragnhild made me go ga-ga

I much prefer Norse

And that is because

It's the land that gave the world lager. So nuke it.

If you want to achieve instant fame

You first should take on a new name

Such as Bill, Sue or Bob

Or else Jill, Hugh or Rob

And then kill every human dubbed same

If you could make a trip to the moon

With three crystals, an ankh and a rune

Your lunar sojourn

You old curmudgeon

Will grumpily last until June

To travel through space is my wish

On this customised satellite dish

To Alpha Centauri!

For honor and glory!

I'll leave fast as light with a swish!

So we'll steer a brave course towards the stars

~~wards~~?

With our Icelandic pilot, named Lars [Raak] "t'wards", perhaps?

Our work will be done (just read some of the recent entries and this game appears to be going thru a particularly good phase)

When we reach a new sun

And we've daubed it with chocolate from Mars

Forward, brave cosmonauts, go!

The seeds of adventure to sow

Set phasers to stun!

At a quarter to one

Wait! What is that eerie green glow? (to be continued}
[Projoy] Don't worry. We can fix that.

The ghostly chartreuse phosphorescence

That haunts, of a midnight, my pleasance

Is a manifestation ....bit of a squash...

Of my medication

That I take for excessive tumescence

[C,R,R,D,J] Nice :)

I'm just off to take some viagra

'Cause I'm hoping to pull in Niagara
[blamelewis] Thanks - but my first line was supposed to continue the space theme [clearly indicated by CdM]. All's well that ends well, eh? As for the current lim - there are precisely NO rhymes listed for the ubiquitous Viagra. Niagara will do the trick [for now] but it DOES make it very difficult for others to follow your lead.

Where the girls are so horny . . . subtle stuff . . . (Juxt) There is a more natural remedy. (Chalky) One can just about do something with Niagara but not, agreed, viagra, at least in the rhyming sense.

And like men big and brawny

And suffer from chronic cleidagra

On the right side we see what is left

'Cos the left side now is bereft

Of what's on the right

Which is right in your sight

But you need to be visually deft.

[Chalky] - I just assumed that the plot outlined in the limerick in question happened in space... :) As for viagra, I thought of niagra (and had a vague idea that there might be an ejaculatory metaphor in there somewhere...) but couldn't think of a third rhyme but hoped others with bigger vocabularies might find one, or else employ a bit of creative twisting to still allow for a fun limerick - so bravo Marc for finding the "gouty pain in the clavicle".

I expanded my vocabulary

By mimicking old Sweary Mary

I'll show that I'm really no fairy

When I entered the constabulary I think we have two limericks on the go simultaneously.

Perhaps three. Shall I ...?
b - I expanded my vocabulary
P - By mimicking old Sweary Mary / S - I'll show that I'm really no fairy / R - When I entered the constabulary
I peppered my chat / Test-os-te-rone / I copped three new words

With words so profane that / Really gives me the bone / (They were slag, nonce and birds)

b+P The barkeep threw up in my sherry
P+S (But then, so do backs that are hairy)
S+R When I slept with the Sergeant's canary.

[Juxtapose] very clever and very funny. Bravo :-)

That was fun!
In my hand is a very strange thing

I found it while passing through Tring

It makes a loud beep

At which sound I leap

I'd rather a long ding-a-ling.

I don't have a cent to my name

Can't make bucks as a pantomime dame

But I might as a horse

(The front end, of course)

But I'm stuck with the rear -- O the shame!

Regardless of all the objections

I've taken those hormone injections

So lock up your daughters

Make way for the slaughters

I shoot lasers in all the directions!

A sure way to tell left from right

Is tieing one sneaker too tight [Tuj] nice ending on the last one

When that foot goes all numb

Take the opposite thumb

And measure the width of its height - silly - but that's limericks :-)

Believe me - I've just laid an egg!

'twas launched through my left trousers leg

The birds know what 'tis

'S them we must quiz

But please ask them nicely - don't beg

I like to drink strawberry milk

Through a straw spun from taffeta silk

Some call me a ponce

But my cool nonchalance

Is required as a trait of my ilk

Oh-bla-di, oh-bla-da, life goes on

So how come I feel put-upon?

This mortal coil

Just makes me recoil

'Cos someone had left it switched on.

A potential supplier of Volts

Had an urge to electrocute dolts

A hard man, is Thor

He'll give you what-for

As he hammers you with thunder-bolts

Take care when attaching this lead

The wrong place and you might start to bleed

When you turn up the amps

You'll get aural cramps

And I don't believe that's what you need

There was an old man of the hills

Who made some good hooch in his stills

And this fiery liquor

Was bought by our vicar

To wash down all his happy pills

There was an old man of the dales

Who ate nothing but old rusty nails

As he shat, out came chains

Which he used to pull trains

But I'll skip all the gory details

I once bought a large fish and chips

Since then I’ve had fat greasy lips

The shop's deep fat fryer

Discharged its entire
Greasy load down on me - head to hips

The last three made me guffaw almost audibly here in the office.
There once was a man of the fens

Whose face was all covered in wens

This spotty visage

Clocked my décolletage

Having already clocked pen's. No guffawing, please.

There was an old man of the seas

Who enjoyed his shipboard high teas

He liked cream on his scones

And a skull with his bones

But no pie with his rate, if you please

There was an old man of the plains

Who prayed for the start of the rains

But a large inundation

Caused great consternation

Since Severn Trent buggered the mains.

A lady of uncertain age

Met an old man who lived in a cage

She said: "My dear man"

"I have lived in a can"

"As one must when on minimum wage"

A man with a Cheshire cat grin

A victim was of his own spin

But he knew in his heart

That he needed to fart

For it's better let out than kept in.

A lady constructed of iron

Was placed on a plinth on Mount Zion

Her mute ferric gaze

And Thatcherite ways

Is what Dave Camer-on keeps his eye on. Sorry about that.

A child made of sugar and spice

Her wedding will come at a price

But while she's a girl

Watch her hip, skip and twirl

And don't dwell on financial advice

Can't say I enjoyed the direction that limerick was taking - and it was beginning to annoy me - hence the mercy killing :-(

Young Mikey's a finicky lad

And also a terrible cad

He's fussily lewd

and not very shrewd

And Mondays he’s jerking like mad

It seems like a terrible waste [Chasty] Have you met Nemesis646?

Not to eat this delectable paste

But what makes me pause

Are these small waving claws

P'raps discretion is better than haste

There once was a curate of Ghent

Who put up a sign: "Faith for rent",

A passing young scholar

Hired a dog collar

And gave up his old ways for lent

There once was an old yoga master

At a bar with a Methodist pastor

One stood on his head

The other just bled

Their date was an utter disaster

*laughs out LOUD*

SWM, 34,

Offers cuddles, romance and much more I've read these in the past - does it show?

For nights out and in

Drinking tonic and gin

Just knock three times on the front door.

Sorry, forgot the line...

The skill to draw lines we must train

And how to make Bold learn again
The scansion dear friend,

One must not bend

Or we put in much work for small gain.

"It's enchanting to meet you, dear lady"

(I never thought that I'd meet Kate Adie)

You're said to be tough

And a bit of hot stuff

No wonder your chin’s a bit shady

I can't help but notice that bulge

In your midriff- could you please divulge?

Just why you're so fat

So lazy and a brat

And if I can in that indulge?
I know it's not Betjemen but I was seriously wondering where this was going...

Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! - [Botherererer] This is :)

But not on Maidenhead - for now

'Cos it is so pretty

Compared with White City - refusing to use the obvious rhyme

Does poetic licence allow?

There was a young chap from Nuneaton

Whose great-grandma was Mrs Beeton

And, what is more

Went on a grand tour - likewise refusing the obvious rhyme

Where she met a great bear and was eaten.

I just had a strange kind of tea [Raak] Ha ha

Three dear old ladies and me

We all shared a scone Pronunciation Alert!!

As we had but the one ...which rhymes perfectly in my household

No arsenic or old lace I see

A paste made of tuna and eggs

Is perfect for waxing the legs

Its H2S and amines

Applied every day means

You'll enjoy totally hairless square pegs

Oi you! Yes you - bloke on the left!

Need ya - not yer brains, just your heft

I've a thing here you'll see

That's much bigger than me

And my toe's being crushed. That's why I effed.

A man of the Scottish persuasion

Imbibed haggis at every occcasion

Its earthy bouquet [irach] Imbibed? Haggis?

And appearance risqué

When liquidized is quite amazin' [irach] Correcting the logic ;o)

I've got this idea in my head

I'm lying awake in my bed

I'm turning it over

And over and over

That insomnia's fatal, it's said.

Sleep came like a reluctant gift

As I entered a temporal rift

I started to dream

We were a good team

Me and my time-travelling lift

I finished this poem tomorrow

In a Tardis the Doc let me borrow

Inside it's so spacious

Not to say ostentatious

But it brought me back here to my sorrow...

You travel in time in your dreams

And it's all so confusing, it seems

And Freud made it worse/b>

Which is really perverse

Seeing Sigmund boff 'midst the timestreams

There was a young lady from Tring

Whose bell no-one ventured to ring

Until Uncle Andy

Found a French tickler handy

To do wonderful things to her thing Coat ...

This lady from Tring was no slouch

To this Uncle Andy will vouch

As he took her back home

In the bath - watch that foam !

She accepted and never said "Ouch!"

I once met the purest of maids

During one of the drug squad's house raids

Her stuff was so pure

And she so demure

"Coochie-Coo" she piddled on my suedes

The girl with the dishevelled hair

And the quite unfeasibly large pair

Posed nude for a mag

Which makes her a slag

And made quite a star of the chair let's move it along...

I looked in the mirror and thought

"This wig that I recently bought unfinished quote alert

seems to make me look odd

Like a cross between God

And an unkempt old dishevelled sot"

I just won a medal of gold

For an act that was truly quite bold

At Tiananmen Square

I wore, for a dare,

Some brogues bought in Stow-on-the-Wold.

The inclement weather today

Wind, rain and heavy cloud - grey

If you're wise - stay inside

Where your shoes can be dried

But don't throw the beach towel away A bit of an emergency finish... with optimism for more sunshine, geddit?

I should never have meddled with gold

This alchemy stuff's oversold

These mercury fumes

And sulphurous spumes

Made me bald and my face looking old

The wrinkles and lines on my face

Keep my rugged good looks in their place

These fine indentations

Give gals palpitations

And that's why they shun my embrace

A wizard, a sage and a witch

All gathered to summon a lich

It paused at the gate

Where its skeletal state

Was so bad that it fell in the ditch

September - so nice warm and dry,

Now rain doth pour from the sky

And now -- Christ! it's snowing!

The climate is going..........

...awry - now it's time kiss this summer goodbye!

....and scansion with it, I see.

A tropical hurricane, Ike

Has winds faster than I ride a bike

Except when pursued

By a bloke in the nude

Who thinks that I'm Natalie Pike

You cannot beat sausage and mash (Kim) McGonagall lives!

It's the best you can get for your cash

Whereas chips and fish

Is a very fine dish

When served on the front page of Flash

While tuning the new Cern collider

I got shitfaced on Diamond White cider

It had a strange charm

So I chanced my arm

And stuck two empty bottles inside ‘er

Last night I had a 'big bang'

When I threw my brand new boomerang

As it hurtled back

Through the starry ink-black

It hit my head with a clang Fed up with this one sitting here, now quickly moving on ...

The things that one keeps in the loft

Are oft fluffy and cuddly and soft

So set a mouse trap

Among all that house crap

Then bin what the rodent half-scoffed.

An aardvark who imbibed ant-acid

Soon found his proboscis all flaccid

His face, it went red

Like litmus, it's said

Leaving him feeling quite placid

"Oh sir!" cried the maid in distress

"My pic's in the tabloidy press"

"I was at a party"

"Dressed up really tarty"

"In my scanty new 'see-through it' dress"

Tonight is the V.P. Debate

So will it seal Ms. Palin's fate?

Can a hockey mom whatever the hell that is

exhibit aplomb

When her kid's up the duff and out late.

The world of finance - it is tottering

We'll all be reducèd to squattering

While those "in the know"

Just rake in the dough

In a way that's very unflattering

My pockets are now filled with dough

I can feel the yeast making it grow

I'll have plenty of bread

Or else, in its stead

The bulge will make her eyes glow

The camera, it's said, never lies

Even if one dons disguise

Dolly Parton with beard

Or your face with clay smeared

Won't hide that you've ate all the pies

"Shall we move a bit nearer the fire?"

"The heat will inflame our desire"

"But what if the glow.. unfin

Starts to melt my big toe?"

Wouldn't that just be too dire?"

All Hallow's Eve was a treat

Except for my melted feet

i walked through the flames

'Cos it's one of my aims

My footprints to set on Fleet Street

A new president has been elected

His cabinet will soon be selected

And Hil'ry, no doubt It has been established in another place that non-smutty limerics rarely rhyme or scan properly

Will not be left out -

Thank goodness that Palin's rejected

A wind of change blows from the East [i,R,K,J,S] Bravo! Most salient

As bakers bake breads without yeast

Mamas noodles we cook

Into sticky gook

That's the supper that we like the least

A shortage of eager lim'rickers

A surfeit of scansion nitpickers

Some grammar pedants

Repeating their chants:

"Indefensible mouse-clickers."

So what makes a humorous rhyme?

And are limericks on the decline?

Then again, clerihews

Have been making the news

For their value is rarely, if ever, revealed in the length of the ultimate line.

While scoffing a large box of chocs

I decided to take off my socks

They smelled like old cheese

Which caused me to wheeze

And cough up a collection of rocks.

Last night while I lay in my bed

I pondered the book I'd just read

The hero, I'm sure,

Was no epicure

Subsisting on baked beans and bread.

My first is in bed and asleep Limeriddles, or something. Or not.

My second is still counting sheep

My third's a surprise

And my fourth does arise

And of the fifth, you won't hear a peep I think we were all stumped on that one. Moving along now...

While I was putting the lights on my tree Xmas theme.

I felt a sharp pain in my knee

Oh, my patella

Get me codeine, young fella

And watch my low limb swinging free (below the knee that is...)

The fluff of my navel is gone

Thanks to this invent-ion

It sucks up the lint

Leaves the fragrance of mint

A cosmetic sine qua non.

When you've got to the top of your game

You should quit well before you're thought lame

For an ageing has-been

Should never be seen

As a resplendent pantomine dame

At Christmas we eat and we drink

But sometimes I have a deep think

My kids then say "Dad,

How much gin have you had?"

Was it Gordon's? Or p'raps was it pink?"

It's almost two-thousand-and-nine

The year of both roses and wine (hopefully)

And juxtaposition

Though price of admission,

Is more than its worth every time

There was a young lad from Bordeaux

Who crossed a Cabernet grape with a Gordo

The juice, when fermented, [irach] I'm reporting you to the Scansion Commission

Made drinkers demented

And girls, though quite chaste, set aglow

A scansion policeman named Bob

Was really quite keen on his job

To such an extent

('bout 200 percent)

That a few syllables he would rob

Please don't put your trash in the bin

To throw anything out is a sin

So recycle all waste

All in good taste

And swallow this Scotch mixed with Gin

The problem with being middle-class

Is that it can be a pain in the arse

The upper crust, though

Are smug 'cause they know

That where there is muck, there is brass

But if you're as common as muck

No silver spoon - no such luck

Get your ar*e on TV
As a Cel-e-brit-ee

And try not to use the word that is now in widespread use in the media, something I thoroughly disapprove of despite my frequent use of it in private conversation.

Big Brother's a load of cheap tat Is this what you mean, Rosie?

The F-Word's no better than that Is Gordon Ramsay the chief culprit, Rosie?

But fortunate-lee (Softers, Kim) Yeah, that sort of thing.

I don't watch TV

And that's why I am such a brat ...

When lines do not follow the rule
Some bullys cry out "What a fool!"

"And as for your plurals" ....next line difficult....

"Worse than epidurals"

But being a rebel is cool

If you chant 'Rule Britannia' out loud

Stiff upper lips will stand proud

But! Say 'God Save the Queen',

And you'll cause a scene

– You'll have to leave under a cloud

There's no roy-al-tee for us Yanks

We make do with missiles and tanks

We drive pickup trucks

That we buy using bucks

And we spend all your oil saying: Thanks !

In Texas they say "Howdee y'all"

In Yorkshire "Ay-up"'s what they call

But in SW3

They say naught - you trust me

They write Limerick lines - what a ball!

There was a young fellow from Penge

Who decided to take his revenge

On his great-aunt from Poole

With a long-handled tool

he twisted her nose with a wrench

The bishops of Penge and of Poole

Were fond of the odd game of boules

But their cup ranneth over

When a straw-chewing drover

Showed them his family jewel ...hat and coat, please...

Marc (in the Alps)

Dear Fraulein my Glüwein is cold

Bitte, will you mein Glüwein please hold

While I trinketh my beer

Please nibble my ear

And do anything else that is bold

As I stood on the top of K2

I thought "I did all this for you!"

"I brave the fierce wind"

"My career I've binned"

"But it's worth it, just look at the view!"

As I squelched through the mudflats of Kent

I pondered the reason for Lent

'Tis to boost sales of fish

I mused, with a wish

From the Humber, the Thames and Solent mercy!

The hardest of crimes to detect [pen] What about the Trent?

[Darren] I'm foreign now, and don't know those things. Axshully, I forgot it.

Are those that’s performed so perfect

But with Marple and Co

And with Poirot in tow

It'd be im-poss-i-bull to confect

The Severn, the Trent and the Dove

Flow with the rains from above

But in times of drought

They must do without

And rowers must get out and shove

When an Aberdeen lad went to Perth

He found out just what he was worth

When he looked at the cheque

He thought: "What the heck,"

"Give me haggis. To hell with my girth".

When travelling to Aberdeen

I turned to look back where I'd been

And ran off the road

Upset my load

Of hand-woven pink gabardine

The Clan of MacLean-Cameron

Was once a great power that's now gone

All the blood that was spilt

Down the front of my kilt

Leaves my dry-cleaner feeling forlorn

I stood on the platform at Crewe

As I wondered just what I would do

If my train was delayed

Would that fact be displayed?

And would there be time for the loo?

When you surf on the roof of a train

You need the bumps fell in your brain

Don't touch the live wire (Softers) Wossat mean, den?

Or you might catch on fire I think he meant "felt on"

And with angels you'll sing the refrain

If you surf on the roof of the tube

You should rub yourself over with lube

Keep a profile that’s low

Pray you don't need the po

Or you might be seen as a n00b

If you surf on the mighty ocean

Dab on lots of sun-tanning lotion

Keep a profile that's high

– Imitate Captain Bligh!

Completely devoid of emotion

The chocolate chicken is here!

Because it's that time of the year

So I'll be a feaster

A cioccolatista,

So I'll crush it to bits, never fear!

The problem with watching ballet Limerick challenge: no "gay".

As I once heard Nureyev say Easy, so far

"Those padded dance belts

Do leave me with welts

In places I really can't say."

I've chosen to learn how to box

Replacing those gloves with two socks

Though the gloves on my feet ...kickboxing...?

Do look very neat

They don't help when throwing out knocks

They're rubbing - my Crocodile shoes,

It's jarring - my singing the blues

My pain's the refrain

These shoes are my bane

Their scales yield mine awful reviews

My big toe is throbbing with gout

But I shan't take the easy way out

Instead I shall hop

To the cutlery shop

Carve my shoe to a nice bulging-out

Poor Darling, I’ll buy you a pint

They're costly - the taxes are gi'ant

I'll make it real ale of course

Cos you're looking so pale

And all on expenses; please sign 't.

"My lines are so close to perfection," Well, not mine - yours!

No-one can raise an objection

The words, they just flow

Like the times when I "go"

My stream never needs a correction apologies all around...

[Juxtapose] Why apologise? It's much cleaner than the line which popped into my head. (Which is why I didn't play it!)

(Darren) Agreed. It's Raak who's the dirty bugger.

There was a young lad from Belgrade trad.

Who wished to get Tinker Bell laid

His fairy-like dream

Made Peter Pan scream

for it wasn't his croc he displayed.

A pudding fell out of the sky

And before I could say, "Goodness! Why--"

This "manna from heaven"

"Is four pounds forty seven!"

That is cheap for an airborne cow pie!

A man from the planet of Mars

Kept carbon dioxide in jars

Its greenhouse effects

Encouraged safe sects

So it's highly endorsed by the stars

An image from telescope Hubble

Depicted a great cosmic bubble

At the edge of known space

Which resembles the face

Of old Patrick Moore, but with stubble.

While sunning myself on the beach

I noticed a very fine Peach

I stroked its soft skin

[Raak] Her soft skin, I was hoping.

Surely no sin

Then licked off its sweet juicy leach ...

This beach once was filled with white sand

But things have not gone as we planned

For, as you can see

It's filled with debris

Teen beach parties should really be banned

It says on the side of this tin

BEWARE: there's traces of nuts within

You could break out in hives

When the doctor arrives,

He'll throw the whole lot in the bin.

I once met a maid from Regina Limerick challenge: clean

Who cherished her old Morris Minor Will that do, Juxt?

She kept it so clean

It dazzled the Queen

Whose Bentleys are not any finer ... [Juxtapose] There...clean as a whistle...

True Lim'ricks are not to be clean,

It's tempting to show the obscene

They must also be witty BTW, Radio 3 is currently having a competition to compose serious limericks. Maybe we could try one here?

Coherent, not bitty

And polished right up to a sheen

Not only by bread doth man live Going for a serious limerick. Titter ye not!

Not so much to receive as to give

Which lifteth the soul

For those on the dole

Or those with pockets like a sieve.Maybe I should apologise...

There was a young man from Peru (pen) No, no, not at all. Pretty good for a Dutch speaker.

Who bought a bright pink cockatoo

With very long legs

That laid polka dot eggs

While waving the tail - oh so blue The parrots of course!

There's thunder and lightning about

Don't panic. There's no need to shout.

I heard you first time

There's no reason or rhyme

It’s Thor who have just found his stout

My uncle, who lives in Cleckheaton

At snooker, has never been beaten

His all-out attack

By using the black

And pot it with super cue treatin’

The balls that were hit with his cue

Followed a path that was true All right, doesn't quite rhyme.

His peerless precision it does in America, Rosie

Was met with derision

But from the crowd there came a very loud "BOO"!

Scansion Police

*Ahem*, I think, Mr Mac, we'll just draw a line under this one and call it a warning....

My auntie, who lives in Llangollen

Complained over legs that were swollen

Her acute phlebitis

Makes her dance like St. Vitus

O! How the mighty are follen No rhymes at all in that one :-)

In a nice little village in Kent

The priest found his coffers were spent

So he held a church fête

Where his needs were all met

By a choirboy behind the beer tent

Hidden text

Not my greatest scansion, but if French pronunciation is fine, then so is American stress.

The good folk of Dwygyfylchi

While pond'ring the nature of time

I found myself covered in slime

This temporal gunk

Was spread out but shrunk

So I choked but performed a great mime

Two words; the first rhymes with 'bee'

Said the flea with a brie on his knee

The debris on the brie

Would be tea for the flea

But gives heebee-jeebies to me

"But what is the word?", asked the flea

To a bee that just wanted to be

Just known for spelling

So he wasn't telling

The number of words, was it three?

"The first word", the flea announced brightly

"Is one that is used almost nightly."

Like 'barhop' or 'beer'

And 'gay' but not 'queer'

Then the flea hopped away quite politely

When swimming, remember this tip

First give your big toe a quick dip

And if the water is wet

And that it will be I bet

Down to your trunks you can strip

Good morning, we sail with the tide

As Captain, I can make you a bride

So make one for me

Or perhaps two or three

And a groom, but please keep him aside

Beware the man in the moon

He will gouge out your eyes with a spoon

He'll feed you green cheese

Swap over your knees,

Then he'll seal you in a cocoon

It is much like a cloud that I wander

My time and my effort I squander

But I do have one goal

To bring joy to my soul

By watching the free wild blue yonder

Those magnificent men who all fly

Weird flying machines in the sky

Sometimes they go up

With a huge champagne cup

"Bollocks to RyanAir", they cry.

I've invented a falling machine!

It's gravity driven and green

You just start it like this

If you blink you will miss N.B. unfinished sentence

It's operation so swift and serene

I'll admit that the landing is rough

More so if you're landing on tuff

Then you'll bounce up again

In consid'rable pain

And out you will go with a snuff

One day on the M25

I was glad to have emerged alive

Though I killed 23

The parking was free

I really must learn how to drive.

A tool every gardener needs

Is one to eliminate weeds

This novel invention

will garner attention

From Sturminster Newton to Leeds

I once knew a young chiropractor

Who worked patients back with his tractor

Although efficacious

His bills were mendacious

With most patients sustaining a fracture

If you're set on becoming a quack

It helps to acquire the knack

Of dispensing green pills

And then issue great bills

Then slip out the door at the back

The things that I keep in my shed

Are not what I'd want in my bed

The difference, you see,

Is the rake next to me

That I swapped for the bitch that I wed

The reasons for not being here

Is so abundantly clear

My hard disc has crashed (Softers) Is = Are?

My graphics card's trashed

And my keyboard is covered in beer

The reasons for being here are many (pen) Pimm's I would have believed.

To critizize speling and meter, any?

But our true raison d'être

Of which we are les maîtres

Is that we are all rather zany

Let's drink to the flamboyant Floyd

Who'll now fill the bow-tied chef void?

With a glass of champagne,

You'll remove any pain,

And remember a man we enjoyed

One night at a bar in Bordeaux

Through a rosy wine-induced glow

i got very cozy

With M. Sarkozy

And woke up in charge of Renault

One day on the wharf in Mumbai

I encountered a Latvian spy

He was armed with a gun the last one was excellent, BTW

So I started to run

And got decked at the docks, then good-bye!

The Irish have voted with "yes"

To convert all their taps to Guinness

So, taking a bath

Will be more of a laugh

Than a matter of hygiene and finesse

The things that she did with her tongue

To the snippet of Schubert she sung

Involved much saliva

This pretty muff diver

Until the last note, which still stung [Rosie] I think you'll find it's spelled 'diva' ;o)

The things that he does with his pole

Would even surprise Old King Cole

'Cos with it he'd fiddle

And play paradiddle

On anything sporting a hole

The things he can do with his mind

If acted would make him go blind

And he thinks he's a hero

Acts like Emperor Nero

Who was not always very refined.

A toothless old hag from Tbilisi

Ran a chip shop whose products were greasy

Her beetroot (deep-fried)

With borscht on the side

Was used as hair oil in Assisi

My brother, who loves in Beirut,

Encountered a typo (minute)
He actually "lives",
Buy - hey now - what gives?
The "Whoops" button didn't reboot. with some chagrin, -Jux

My auntie, who lives in Tashkent

Has one curly leg slightly bent

While my uncle in Venice

Is nowt but a menace

Who once was arrested in Ghent

"Dear Sir, don't believe all you hear,"

The British do not love warm beer

Nor do they all dress

In the dark, nonetheless

It's well known that the men are all queer.

My sister, who works in Beijing,

Is confused 'cos it once was Peking

And my aunt in Firenze

Is all in a frenzy

'cause my uncle just left for Xiaoping

[Raak] Re: penultimate limerick. That was exactly the last line I had in mind, word for word.

A pleasant young chap from Osaka

Once sailed over Lake Titicaca

In the midst of this trip

Dislocated his hip

And loudly exclaimed, "Anta baka?"

On a raft in the midst of the ocean [Phil] Great minds etc.

Having run out of chamomile lotion

I tried using rum

And some barnacle gum

Applied with a rotary motion

A fearsome great beast, the gorilla

Attacking with sticks, like Attila

But with its own kin

It serves tonic , with gin

Imported each day from Manila

I stood all alone in the bunker

Above flew a bomb-carrying Junker

As I took my sand-wedge

My partner, that's Reg,

Imbibed and got steadily drunker

I just met a man in the street

Oi! you've just done that one in MCiOS With knobbly knees and large feet

His clown shoes and nose

And his three-foot-long toes

In the circus he'd go down a treat

I just met a man in the street [Rosie] Hmm?

Extolling the virtues of wheat

When asked as to why

He said: "I can't lie,"

"I love having corns on my feet"

[Darren] Ooooow.

If you should encounter a chugger

Be wary - he may be a bugger

And the smile on his face

Hides a life of disgrace

For he is Al Fayed, that fugger.

My spleen has a mind of its own

My kidneys do nothing but moan

But my Heart is still beating

My stomach repeating

And the naughty part down there is blown (I'll get the coat and hat myself, thank you...)

While scouring the world for perfection

I discovered this chocolate confection

Which does contain nuts

cocain and cold cuts

Now I'm two inches stouter midsection

The world is imperfect, alas

Ecosystems are fragile, like glass

[irach] Elegant end to the last one. Well done; have an e-biscuit :-)

With one final jolt

The earth will revolt

And kick us all in the ass as our American friends would say.

Americans? Vulgar? Not so!

Nor Britons all snobs, don'cha know

Though the rest of the lot, (Well, not me of course!)

Live in countries too hot

Or places all covered in snow

In Boston they dumped some fine tea

In December, Seventeen-Sev'nty-Three

Out into the bay

Without a tea tray

It tasted just like weak gnat's pee

My hairdresser chatters away (Softers) The strong stuff is OK. Tangy.

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