mc5 - The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated

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And so it begins....

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I wouldn't normally do this, but given that this line doesn't really scan, seems unconnected to the previous lines (unless I'm missing something), and has apparently stalled the limerick, I suggest replacing it with
To Cannery Row

To get on with the show

East of Eden said Arthur, the King. Sorry guys, must have been hungry as I posted that line… Thought you were aiming at book titles containing animals or food and didn’t instantly see the connection with John Steinbeck’s eminent works. Completely agree with your remark about the scansion, here is a huge potential for improvements both regarding mine and other submissions I’m afraid…

It’s stated that Scansion is Science www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/99legacy/8-23-1999b.html

You can do it too, with this appliance!

Take note of the meter

And make your verse neater

Scansion police will check your compliance

The police are coming! Now run!

They'll gasp when they see what we've done

It took us a week

To construct this cheek

Now these cops will all ruin our fun

There was a posh lady from Purley

Who loved all things lacy and girly

Her knickers were found

Entwinéd around

Her ankles by a chap big and burly

Eat less and live long, so they say

And think, "what does Calista weigh"?

Give answer in ounces

(Clue)-(No part of her bounces)

She's this close to floating away

A grocer from old London town

Wore a beautiful cabbage-leaf gown

When it started to wilt

They revived it with silt

That Old Father Thames had brought down.

I met a mad widow from Worcester

Who thought she was General Cucestor [Jux] That's much more of a sod of a rhyme that you may have intended.

Though the vicar had Bleicester (SM) It is, unless northern vowels are invoked, which makes it much easier.

Delusions did feicester

No problem -- to them she was Ucester.

While pond'ring the properties of matter

I constructed a new kind of batter

Though crumbly and soft

It re-lines the loft 1 + 4 OK?

But it's low cal- it won't make you fatter

There was a young bard from Japan
Who was stung on the knee by a wasp
He cursed and screamed and hollered
And said, "Please take me to hosp."

A glimerick (or possibly a limerorm) by Simons Mith

Mm, hybrid poetical forms. The limeronnet: 7 couplets, alternately long and short limerick metre, with the long couplets all using the same rhyme. The sonnaiku: 14 syllables in 4 lines with ABBA rhyme. The limerestina: a cycle of five limericks plus a final couplet following rules too complicated to work out. The villanellerick, the Petrarchan tercet, the epic cinquain, ...

There once was a Samurai coward ...swiftly moving on...

Who worked for Prime Minister Howard

With his trusty katana

And half-ripe banana

His deeds with great praises were showered. Australian in a nutshell, really

Sonnaiku
Rare form of verse
Severely terse
Tough to do

Hard but fair
Keeping it short
Makes the verse taut
No hot air

Modern
Hiawatha
Made himself some mittens
Fur side inside, skin side outside
Cosy!

[SM] Bravo!
I wonder if we could try for a limeronnet? Lines 1, 2, 5, 6, 9, 10, 13, and 14 all have to rhyme.
A young man who went out on a date

With a girl from Connecticut State

Was charmèd to learn

She expected to earn

A stiff fee if he wanted to mate

A line of blank verse

[Raak] I think that <hr> means 'no'. You can have a go on your own if you like. We'll watch.

Another f******* line of blank verse

Makes a limerick that is too terse

Normal service shall soon be resumed

When that nice Edward Lear is exhumed

He spins in his grave

His soul we must save

Lest our wit end up dead and entombed.

Top limming all round :-)

There was an old man with no beard

Who said, "It is not, as I feared,

Malign alopecia

But a non-hirsute feature

Sleep-walking where livestock is sheared"

At Bristol, Temple Meads Station

I felt a quick stab of elation

As I ran to my train

I felt it again

But alas - it was mere constipation

The pain in my butt's getting worse

If it gets any worse I might curse

But with this senna pod

Flushing out my whole bod

I may stop being quite so perverse

Let's all sing in praise of the prune

Will the tenors please get in tune

For "Gloria-Il Pruno!"

...poetic license invoked (should actually be "la prugna secca" )

(Sung alla Frank Bruno)

Will sound more like Clair de Lune

While trying to put up a shelf

I just realised I was an elf

My tiny physique

Makes six feet of teak

Too heavy to put up myself.

I enjoyed that one :-)

I ordered a chair from IKEA

But instead got a case of Sangría

Those Swedes, they're so boozy

At despatch they're not choosy

Yet, boozeless, they tend to be angrier

My girlfriend from Stockholm, so cute

Played a gay saraband on the flute

I joined in on bass

Wearing taffeta lace

But the talent scout gave us the boot!

The orchestra struck up a tune

The lounge singer started to croon

As I looked at her eyes

To my great surprise

One was purple, the other maroon

While strolling one morning in June

I noticed the Man in the Moon

He looked down at me

Superciliously

'Cos I was walking along with a spoon

The good folk of Accrington, Lancs

Had tattoos of dogs on their shanks

The reason, they claimed,

They were artistic'ly maimed
Was because of the tattooist's pranks sorrysorrysorry

A problem with poodles and collies

Is their fear of Victorian follies

Which makes them pass water

Their legs then grow shorter

And they steal all the little kids' lollies.

If you stand on a hill in the rain

People will say you're insane

And the wetter you get

The longer you'll sit

And you'll never make that train. At least not to MC...

One day while defrosting the fridge

I found on the icecream, a midge

On the butter, a bug

Of green mould, a rug

And another head on London Bridge

Just eat when you're hungry and then,

Eat nowt till you're hungry again

With such a regime

Your rather large beam

Will go; you'll be svelte, and pull men.

There once was a man from Glasgow

Who when fishing, would let a caught bass go

His ichthyo mercy

To them that prefer sea You do better . . . .

Would give him a satisfied glow

It's good to return from the cold

I'm an ex-spy, and I'm getting old

My decoder ring

Just won't sing

[Red Wolf] oopsie ... 3 - yes a mere 3 syllables ... sorry chap - not quite the thing :-) Have another crack at it, eh?

Just ain't enough bling How's that, [Chalky]? Never have been wonderful limericks, ever since hearing "There once was a man from Nantuckett"...

It's plastic and steel, not gold. (RW) Just will not sing, or The bugger don't sing would have done. It's the rhythm.

If I had a heart, I would give u.s.a.

Some poor bugger a chance to live That seems to scan right...

My donated ticker

Sewn in someone who's sicker

Is useless - it leaks like a sieve Difficult rhyme

If your kidneys have suffered from drink

Which caused them to shrivel and shrink

Rent a Kidney Machine

It's sure to clean

Out the stuff that makes your breath stink. Not to say drop down dead. What a delightful subject.

Winter's a great time of year

Let's bring out some egg nog and beer!

Put wood on the fire

The flames will grow higher

And higher and higher an— oh dear...

The night when we grilled dear old Santa

We were drunk and exchanging weird banter

When we woke the next morn'

All our faces - forlorn

The only drink left was some Fanta

As an oldie you don't pay much tax

For old fogies the rules they relax

And you get in return

A free funeral urn

As you'll soon Requiescat In Pax Apols for the poor Latin, but my Poetic Licence is valid till the end of the month.

I came a long way from St Louis

And my spoggy* became very chewy *spoggy - noun: (slang) Chewing Gum

So I sang the Blues

Then discovered the news

There's more to spearmint than just gooey

American Football goes thus:

And most Brits it fair doth nonplus (pen) Heavens! You don't - masticate, do you?

A sport played in armour or armor?

With fans all a-clamor I'm sure you could dialect that to "clarmor"

Each "first down" they put up a fuss

His symptoms were carefully noted

And after the viewers had voted

To evict from the house

His flea-ridden mouse

'Een though it was sugar-coated

On a moonlit night down in Bude

I walked on the beach in the nude (oblig.)

~~walked~~ ran (after seeing the 8-words game)

But the nippy sea air

Made my man-bits despair

But it did make my tits look quite rude. disgraceful

[Rosie] teehee :-)

A young lad from Mablethorpe, Lincs. (Chalky) Fancy a cold shower, m'dear?

Sprayed the whole of his body with Lynx

Though it didn't half sting

It concealed the ming

And attracted a sexy young minx

She would have had a whiff of chips-and-vinegar about her though.
I'm attempting a personal best

So I shall take off my vest

Then I'll ripple my pecs

If no one objects

Chasty ( o ) ( o )

That my tits are just drawn on my chest

Let's distance ourselves from this sleaze

And study how flowers and bees

Ensure that the species

Can produce ample faeces

Tut, tut, tut... some decorum, please!

With dignified elegant ease - I was going to post this as a last line but irach got there first , so it will have to do as a first line

I charm the birds from the trees

I then break their necks

Cook 'em Tex-Mex

And serve them with French fries and peas

When I began cooking a crow

I heated the coals to a glow

I placed it with care (CdM, S, B) Vicious - brilliant.

'Cos I wanted it rare

I like it like that, cooked just so - Thanks R

I really think I am a maven

Quite expert at sexing a raven

The dif'rence, you see,

Is the way that they pee I had to.

Plus the girls are Brazilian shaven

Trad - There was a young lady from Spain

Who loved to go out in the rain

She'd get soaked to the skin

'Cos her tee-shirt was thin drool....

I do wish she'd do it again If you can't beat 'em, join 'em

A hairy old codger from York

Assaulted a nun with a spork

Her re-tal-i-a-tion

Without hesitation

Was to pray for his balls on a fork

That saucy young widow from Slough

Made a solemn and celibate vow

That she'd ne'er again

Have sex. (Except when

Rancher Eason's bull mounted a cow)

Bring me the head of Alfredo Fantastic stuff on the Film Club page at the moment

Garcia, a Triumph Toledo [Bigs] Forcing ...

Some Kendal Mint Cake

A pack of Snopake^®

And a ticket for something by Feydeau.

While skiing one day in Zermatt

I chanced on a leprechaun's pot

I solved the Last Problem of Fermat (Juxt) That doesn't come anywhere near a rhyme. i'm leaving mine in.

But writing quite large in [Rosie] Hmmm. I read Marc's line as While skiing one day in Zermatt (which I think puts the correct stress in the place name), not While skiing one day in Zermatt. I agree you need a pretty strong (perhaps American?) accent to rhyme it with 'pot', though.

So, come to think of it, I'll bifurcate:
But, sadly, inside / But writing quite large in

zermatt, the stressed syllable of which does indeed rhyme nicely with "pot" to a Yank.

A problem I spied/The edge of the margin

Made both my skis freeze on the spaht / Made me think of old Father Dermat

This is, apparently, the correct pronunciation - whatever accent one has :-)

In order to find my religion

I launched my best trained homing pigeon

She returned in a day

To show me the way

To Mecca. She erred by a smidgeon

[M, i, S and CdM] bravo :-)

While cleaning out my old chest freezer

To my horror, I found Julius Caesar

For a chap who was dead

He looked very well-fed

Though his stiffness so cold couldn’t please ‘er

Gather round, for I'll sing you a song!

"The Ballad of Fay and King Kong"

The note, maestro, please

Is the flattest of 'C's

Is the flattest of 'E's
Simons Mith - Could you gimme Big Ben for a bong?

According to my research, Big Ben was actually cast in E.
[Juxt] Hope you don't mind.

In order to sing out of tune

I borrowed a helium balloon

I then took a deep breath

Smoked a big hit of meth

Now I sound like Eccles the Goon

The trouble with playing E Flat [SM] no worries

Is it startles my neighbour's tomcat

When that beast starts to yowl

My dog starts to howl

So I clubbed them both with my bat

The problem with clubbing ones pet

Is rather large bills from the vet

Plus a call from the Plod

And the vengeance of God

And that's why I've not done it, yet

I think we should all have a party

Watson, let's not invite Moriarty

[irach] sorry to interrupt - but does your line scan - like really? Or is it just me that's having difficulty. I'm surprised - because you're usually spot-on in scansionland.

[Chalky] it scans for me: Watson, let's not invite Moriarty.
Mrs Hudson will strip

[Chalky] Sorry to offend. But Phil seems to feel the same way I did on the scansion when penning...er, posting the line.

Brut Champagne we will sip

[Phil, irach] - yesyesyes, I get the stress marks that Phil kindly html-ed - I just don't get the hurried Watson word. No offence taken, or indeed intended. Just curious.

Never realized she was so tarty

In Vienna they bake a nice tart

It's almost refined to an art

Delicious pastry

Seasoned tastily Japanese pronunciation invoked in desperation.

That's sold in the streets from a cart

In order to gain his affection

She covered herself in confection

[Two lims back] I too find it tricky to read limerick lines with two syllables before the first stress... It seems more natural to me to have one, as in dah DAH... as otherwise the first two have to be rushed together. For me. I guess that's why this thrives as a spoken form :)
And now, because I hate breaking up the bold stuff (though not enough not to do it...)
Chalky - In order to gain his affection
blamelewis - She covered herself in confection

With sweet chocolate bits

She covered her tits

Which sweetly caught his attention Tut, tut, Chalky

Surely the last line should be "Which gave him a stonking erection"?....coat!

There once was a gingerbread man

Who attempted to dance the can-can

But sadly the heat [Softers] I hope you're not tut-tutting the fourth line. That isn't me.

Melted both of his feet

So his pants now adorn Notre Dame

My blood-sugar level is low Is Chasty a newbie then? ;)

On a saccharine binge I must go

Which won't help at all Why is everyone shouting their name?

As it's sugar's f-all

Let's 'ave Anisette de Bordeaux...

There was a young man from Korea Can everyone hear me?

Who suffered Huntington's chorea

The symptoms, I'm told

Are sad to behold

In the head of Alfredo Garcia

My aunt suffers terrible pains

She has gout and god-awful chilbains

She sought herbal cures

For the aches she endures

But they failed, and the problem remains. 'Orrible, but chacun à son gout, I s'pose.

When Smaug caught a terrible cold

Argh, forgot the boldface. Let's try that again:

When Smaug caught a terrible cold

Middle Earth's fate didst unfold

Those horrible sneezes

Caused feculent breezes

And a greenhouse effect yet untold

Let's dance, you and I, in the buff.

Our shoes and our smiles is enough

As we shimmy and shake

Perhaps it will slake

The carnal needs of the rough

Let's toss off a rapid mazurka

Not easy when wearing a burka . . . . lucky old mazurka. . . .

Enshrouded in gloom

Amidst a simoom

And reading the Socialist Worker ...and they say multiculturalism doesn't work...

There once was a student from Kent

Whose member was upwardly bent

So he put it to use

Aiming the juice . . . .disgusting . . .

In a cup to be used after Lent Yuk!

I'm hoping to get a donation

Of blood for transubstantiation

But to rent a messiah

Would be courting hellfire

'Cos nowadays they're mostly Asian.

An imp who liked dwelling in boxes

Was discovered and eaten by foxes

But his devilish ghost

Could nonetheless boast

That their tails were bushier than ox's.

There's nothing but trash on the telly

As you watch it, your brain turns to jelly

So grasp the remote

Stretch open your throat

And pour more beer in your belly

Beware of the snake in the grass

It'll worm its way right up your arse

In contrast,the ant

Is no sycophant

And is proportionately stronger by mass

Tonight is the night, I am sure

I'll wine 'er and dine 'er and woo 'er

And should I succeed

A prophylactic I'll need

Which after I'll flush down the sewer

He stood ankle deep in the sewer

Wished the rats swarming round were much fewer

The stench, too, was vile

Yet one thing made him smile:

A young lady approached and he knew her

Her Maj's Inspector of Taxes

Gets many abusive faxes

But why should he care?

'Cause I don't. So there. - truly - I don't

As long as my bank account waxes.

The moon, oh she waxes and wanes

She beguiles those who love in dark lanes

When these moonstruck entwine

You can see the moon shine

By the light of far fusion-fueled flames. Try saying that three times quickly.

My washing line is a catenary

Supplying railway machinery

Hmmm... I thought I posted this comment before, but maybe I just previewed. Anyway, [SW], maybe I am missing something, but I simply cannot make sense of your line as a follow-up to Rosie's. And judging by the silence here, neither can anyone else...

The purple giraffe

Is good for a laugh

And greatly enhances the scenery. (CdM) Possibly, but he could be referring to those little chains that used to connect loose-coupled wagons. Anyway, I've broken all the rules by ending this one and nearly did so earlier, my first line being a bit too technical, perhaps.

The funniest limerick written

Is about a pair of blue mittens

Or, perhaps, just the one? irony invoked

With a hole in its thumb?

Gnawed on by a pair of blue kittens

The distance from here to Kentucky

May be leapt in one jump by the plucky

Just settle your stance,

Aim squarely for France

And you'll get there on time if you're lucky

There was a young man from Brazil [CdM, Rosie] actually, I was referring to one of these

Who decided to write his own will

"Mi Testamento", he began

To ten sides of foolscap it ran (Softers) I'd forgotten about those wires and so had CdM, possibly. I'm not into electrics, as you know. :-)

With scansion that made readers ill.

A crusty curmudgeon from Dover

Always puked when he heard "The Wild Rover"

'Cos his car was a Metro

Its styling so retro

With a failed MOT moreover

I drive a Mercedes-Benz well, not really

Old, with knocking big ends

Its top speed is thirty

Its air filter's dirty

But ya gotta keep up with the trends

An Escort estate is my steed

I've started to run it on mead

The fumes really stink

Like me, after drink

But it goes like a honey on speed

A Dutchman called Maurice van Hoote 2 syllabubs in Hoote.

Wore clogs that war werkelijk te groote

Zij kwetsen zijn voeten

Werstopft wurst van Hooten Flamish dialect warning!

Hij stempelde helemaal over het fruit Slightly dodgy flow warning!

Can we do a bifurcated Limerick that at least scans in two languages at once? If it rhymes in both languages too, then so much the better, but I reckon rhyming in one language would be enough.
Un loup-garou mangeait un chat - A werewolf was eating a cat

Qu'il a pris dans un sous-sol, à bas - Which he found in a sub-basement flat
Sounds like an idea for the Wretchedly Difficult Poetry game on Orange

Quand tout à coup - When quite suddenly

Il dit "Je m'en fous" - Said "Bovvered? Not me" Don't ask me to try one in Welsh. 5 lines out of 5 is a bad form, and my Dad would turn in his grave.:-)

"Est ce ce que je fais que cela!" - "This is what I do - and that's that !"

Beware of the were-armadillo!

For example, Michael Portillo

Was bit on the knee

As he went out to pee

On the range near the town, Amarillo

In Esher they often do say

That a moron is born every day btw, congrats to everyone in the bilingual limerick - bloody marvellous!

In Egham, meanwhile

High achievement's in style

Unless pissed, when they fall in the Wey.

Oi! Waiter! This soup's ruddy cold!

Your tip, my good man, is on hold

The gratuity's due

But it ain't for you

So hot up your pace - you've been told!
I'm sure there's a witty finish to this stalled* limerick - but as no-one has ventured one, you'll have to accept my dull offering.

*< musing > It's strange how some limericks simply run out of steam. In this instance, despite a lively start, lines 3 and 4 merely re-iterated line 2, offering no real development of the idea/story, leaving us with no where to go. < /musing >

So we need to develop the plot

Whether it thickens or not

So develop the tale

Or Chalky will wail

But make sure your scansion is hot!

That's a whole different kettle of fish

(That's fish in a pot, not a dish)

So boil up your cod

Freshly caught on a rod

I'm sure it will turn out delish

I say! Is that blood on your hand?

Or are you just overly tanned?

Your skin is so red

Is anyone dead?

Did you take out the man that you planned?

Hurry along now, nothing to see here.

Strategy is a technique

'Tho sometimes appearing oblique

Choosing tactics to use

will never excuse

Just guessing in moments of pique I fear that may have strayed into being too vague & abstract

If you're uncertain, just guess Opposite-limerick experiment

You're sure to be right, more or less

Thus, my prediction

turns out to be fiction [Juxtapose] Did you mean backwards, or something else?

Please tell me if No or if Yes?

I’m sure Easter Bunnies lay egg

Such bunnies, they say, have two leg

With chocolate ears

They don't so well hears

Poor things - they're simply the dreg.

In anger I say, "Son of gun!" Continuing with "deliberately bad grammar" theme

"You've stolen my last Hot Cross Bun!"

Your greed, it are frightful

Proceed, that's so spiteful

You bastard - Attila the Hun! Swiftly moving on wishing you all a nice April-fools day

There once was a plumber from Lodz careful.... :-)

Who worked as a conjuror's stodz

His rabbits, he found

Kept on going to ground

And they'd use the town's drains for refyodz

When selecting a verse's last word

From whimsy be not deterred

Nor sarcastic or trite

Rather witty than bright

And genius will be inferred

The Lim'rick's a wonderful verse

With a range from whimsical to terse

In which we display

Our skills every day

'Tho sometimes our scansion is worse

While Edward Lear turns in his grave

Say 'Bah' to the form - misbehave!

Au contraire, I insist

With perfection persist

To scansion and rhyme be a slave

The moon, as it waxes and wanes

Elicits weird urges in Danes

Their flesh gets too solid

Their conscience too stolid

They drink lots of Carlsberg while rattling their chains

The best beer of choice is Black Gold,

By the cubic mile is it sold

To giants on Mars

That wear J-cup bras

Double glazed so they keep out the cold.

If you ever have tea with the Pope

Tell the obnoxious bastard to get a fucking grip and consider the suffering of his morally intractable position on condom use.

Should have been "suffering caused by"... sorry. Normal unranty service now resumes

Simons Said: If you ever have tea with the Pope

Ask if he'd fancy a grope

Most likely he'll say

"Come later today"

When I'll ask of two nuns, 'Where's the soap?' " Please excuse the iffy punctuation, but I think you'll find my poetic licence is up-to-date.

While scooping baked beans from a tin (Phil) I see you are the proud possessor of the Diploma of Advanced Filth as well.

I drunk a whole bottle of gin

Now there's beans on the floor

And I'm drunk, and what's more

I am sure I've comitted a sin (to be cont'd...)

'case the gin that I gulped wasn't mine

'cause the gin that I gulped wasn't mine

I thought that was a reasonable continuation? So:

Marc - 'cause the gin that I gulped wasn't mine

(It belonged to Jeremy Vine)

I'd best make amends - < mode/school ma'am > What a messy page! You can all stay behind at break .. < /mode>

Or we'll never be friends

So I've bought him this sparkling white wine.

The Pope's in the US of A

Shooting craps with New Jersey's D.A.

Their guns on the table

And a hooker named Mabel

Oh no here come the press! Run away!

In the US is also G Brown

Upstaged by Pope Talk-of-the-Town

Our own dour Scot

Is expecting a lot

Like swim 'cross the (baptismal) font - or just drown

There isn't a lot one can do

On a visit to old Kathmandu

Its strange architecture

Can trigger conjecture

That architects there were bored too.

While reading an Icelandic Saga (i,C,P,b) Top drawer. Still quietly chortling.

Queen Ragnhild made me go ga-ga

I much prefer Norse

And that is because

It's the land that gave the world lager. So nuke it.

If you want to achieve instant fame

You first should take on a new name

Such as Bill, Sue or Bob

Or else Jill, Hugh or Rob

And then kill every human dubbed same

If you could make a trip to the moon

With three crystals, an ankh and a rune

Your lunar sojourn

You old curmudgeon

Will grumpily last until June

To travel through space is my wish

On this customised satellite dish

To Alpha Centauri!

For honor and glory!

I'll leave fast as light with a swish!

So we'll steer a brave course towards the stars

~~wards~~?

With our Icelandic pilot, named Lars [Raak] "t'wards", perhaps?

Our work will be done (just read some of the recent entries and this game appears to be going thru a particularly good phase)

When we reach a new sun

And we've daubed it with chocolate from Mars

Forward, brave cosmonauts, go!

The seeds of adventure to sow

Set phasers to stun!

At a quarter to one

Wait! What is that eerie green glow? (to be continued}
[Projoy] Don't worry. We can fix that.

The ghostly chartreuse phosphorescence

That haunts, of a midnight, my pleasance

Is a manifestation ....bit of a squash...

Of my medication

That I take for excessive tumescence

[C,R,R,D,J] Nice :)

I'm just off to take some viagra

'Cause I'm hoping to pull in Niagara
[blamelewis] Thanks - but my first line was supposed to continue the space theme [clearly indicated by CdM]. All's well that ends well, eh? As for the current lim - there are precisely NO rhymes listed for the ubiquitous Viagra. Niagara will do the trick [for now] but it DOES make it very difficult for others to follow your lead.

Where the girls are so horny . . . subtle stuff . . . (Juxt) There is a more natural remedy. (Chalky) One can just about do something with Niagara but not, agreed, viagra, at least in the rhyming sense.

And like men big and brawny

And suffer from chronic cleidagra

On the right side we see what is left

'Cos the left side now is bereft

Of what's on the right

Which is right in your sight

But you need to be visually deft.

[Chalky] - I just assumed that the plot outlined in the limerick in question happened in space... :) As for viagra, I thought of niagra (and had a vague idea that there might be an ejaculatory metaphor in there somewhere...) but couldn't think of a third rhyme but hoped others with bigger vocabularies might find one, or else employ a bit of creative twisting to still allow for a fun limerick - so bravo Marc for finding the "gouty pain in the clavicle".

I expanded my vocabulary

By mimicking old Sweary Mary

I'll show that I'm really no fairy

When I entered the constabulary I think we have two limericks on the go simultaneously.

Perhaps three. Shall I ...?
b - I expanded my vocabulary
P - By mimicking old Sweary Mary / S - I'll show that I'm really no fairy / R - When I entered the constabulary
I peppered my chat / Test-os-te-rone / I copped three new words

With words so profane that / Really gives me the bone / (They were slag, nonce and birds)

b+P The barkeep threw up in my sherry
P+S (But then, so do backs that are hairy)
S+R When I slept with the Sergeant's canary.

[Juxtapose] very clever and very funny. Bravo :-)

That was fun!
In my hand is a very strange thing

I found it while passing through Tring

It makes a loud beep

At which sound I leap

I'd rather a long ding-a-ling.

I don't have a cent to my name

Can't make bucks as a pantomime dame

But I might as a horse

(The front end, of course)

But I'm stuck with the rear -- O the shame!

Regardless of all the objections

I've taken those hormone injections

So lock up your daughters

Make way for the slaughters

I shoot lasers in all the directions!

A sure way to tell left from right

Is tieing one sneaker too tight [Tuj] nice ending on the last one

When that foot goes all numb

Take the opposite thumb

And measure the width of its height - silly - but that's limericks :-)

Believe me - I've just laid an egg!

'twas launched through my left trousers leg

The birds know what 'tis

'S them we must quiz

But please ask them nicely - don't beg

I like to drink strawberry milk

Through a straw spun from taffeta silk

Some call me a ponce

But my cool nonchalance

Is required as a trait of my ilk

Oh-bla-di, oh-bla-da, life goes on

So how come I feel put-upon?

This mortal coil

Just makes me recoil

'Cos someone had left it switched on.

A potential supplier of Volts

Had an urge to electrocute dolts

A hard man, is Thor

He'll give you what-for

As he hammers you with thunder-bolts

Take care when attaching this lead

The wrong place and you might start to bleed

When you turn up the amps

You'll get aural cramps

And I don't believe that's what you need

There was an old man of the hills

Who made some good hooch in his stills

And this fiery liquor

Was bought by our vicar

To wash down all his happy pills

There was an old man of the dales

Who ate nothing but old rusty nails

As he shat, out came chains

Which he used to pull trains

But I'll skip all the gory details

I once bought a large fish and chips

Since then I’ve had fat greasy lips

The shop's deep fat fryer

Discharged its entire
Greasy load down on me - head to hips

The last three made me guffaw almost audibly here in the office.
There once was a man of the fens

Whose face was all covered in wens

This spotty visage

Clocked my décolletage

Having already clocked pen's. No guffawing, please.

There was an old man of the seas

Who enjoyed his shipboard high teas

He liked cream on his scones

And a skull with his bones

But no pie with his rate, if you please

There was an old man of the plains

Who prayed for the start of the rains

But a large inundation

Caused great consternation

Since Severn Trent buggered the mains.

A lady of uncertain age

Met an old man who lived in a cage

She said: "My dear man"

"I have lived in a can"

"As one must when on minimum wage"

A man with a Cheshire cat grin

A victim was of his own spin

But he knew in his heart

That he needed to fart

For it's better let out than kept in.

A lady constructed of iron

Was placed on a plinth on Mount Zion

Her mute ferric gaze

And Thatcherite ways

Is what Dave Camer-on keeps his eye on. Sorry about that.

A child made of sugar and spice

Her wedding will come at a price

But while she's a girl

Watch her hip, skip and twirl

And don't dwell on financial advice

Can't say I enjoyed the direction that limerick was taking - and it was beginning to annoy me - hence the mercy killing :-(

Young Mikey's a finicky lad

And also a terrible cad

He's fussily lewd

and not very shrewd

And Mondays he’s jerking like mad

It seems like a terrible waste [Chasty] Have you met Nemesis646?

Not to eat this delectable paste

But what makes me pause

Are these small waving claws

P'raps discretion is better than haste

There once was a curate of Ghent

Who put up a sign: "Faith for rent",

A passing young scholar

Hired a dog collar

And gave up his old ways for lent

There once was an old yoga master

At a bar with a Methodist pastor

One stood on his head

The other just bled

Their date was an utter disaster

*laughs out LOUD*

SWM, 34,

Offers cuddles, romance and much more I've read these in the past - does it show?

For nights out and in

Drinking tonic and gin

Just knock three times on the front door.

Sorry, forgot the line...

The skill to draw lines we must train

And how to make Bold learn again
The scansion dear friend,

One must not bend

Or we put in much work for small gain.

"It's enchanting to meet you, dear lady"

(I never thought that I'd meet Kate Adie)

You're said to be tough

And a bit of hot stuff

No wonder your chin’s a bit shady

I can't help but notice that bulge

In your midriff- could you please divulge?

Just why you're so fat

So lazy and a brat

And if I can in that indulge?
I know it's not Betjemen but I was seriously wondering where this was going...

Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! - [Botherererer] This is :)

But not on Maidenhead - for now

'Cos it is so pretty

Compared with White City - refusing to use the obvious rhyme

Does poetic licence allow?

There was a young chap from Nuneaton

Whose great-grandma was Mrs Beeton

And, what is more

Went on a grand tour - likewise refusing the obvious rhyme

Where she met a great bear and was eaten.

I just had a strange kind of tea [Raak] Ha ha

Three dear old ladies and me

We all shared a scone Pronunciation Alert!!

As we had but the one ...which rhymes perfectly in my household

No arsenic or old lace I see

A paste made of tuna and eggs

Is perfect for waxing the legs

Its H2S and amines

Applied every day means

You'll enjoy totally hairless square pegs

Oi you! Yes you - bloke on the left!

Need ya - not yer brains, just your heft

I've a thing here you'll see

That's much bigger than me

And my toe's being crushed. That's why I effed.

A man of the Scottish persuasion

Imbibed haggis at every occcasion

Its earthy bouquet [irach] Imbibed? Haggis?

And appearance risqué

When liquidized is quite amazin' [irach] Correcting the logic ;o)

I've got this idea in my head

I'm lying awake in my bed

I'm turning it over

And over and over

That insomnia's fatal, it's said.

Sleep came like a reluctant gift

As I entered a temporal rift

I started to dream

We were a good team

Me and my time-travelling lift

I finished this poem tomorrow

In a Tardis the Doc let me borrow

Inside it's so spacious

Not to say ostentatious

But it brought me back here to my sorrow...

You travel in time in your dreams

And it's all so confusing, it seems

And Freud made it worse/b>

Which is really perverse

Seeing Sigmund boff 'midst the timestreams

There was a young lady from Tring

Whose bell no-one ventured to ring

Until Uncle Andy

Found a French tickler handy

To do wonderful things to her thing Coat ...

This lady from Tring was no slouch

To this Uncle Andy will vouch

As he took her back home

In the bath - watch that foam !

She accepted and never said "Ouch!"

I once met the purest of maids

During one of the drug squad's house raids

Her stuff was so pure

And she so demure

"Coochie-Coo" she piddled on my suedes

The girl with the dishevelled hair

And the quite unfeasibly large pair

Posed nude for a mag

Which makes her a slag

And made quite a star of the chair let's move it along...

I looked in the mirror and thought

"This wig that I recently bought unfinished quote alert

seems to make me look odd

Like a cross between God

And an unkempt old dishevelled sot"

I just won a medal of gold

For an act that was truly quite bold

At Tiananmen Square

I wore, for a dare,

Some brogues bought in Stow-on-the-Wold.

The inclement weather today

Wind, rain and heavy cloud - grey

If you're wise - stay inside

Where your shoes can be dried

But don't throw the beach towel away A bit of an emergency finish... with optimism for more sunshine, geddit?

I should never have meddled with gold

This alchemy stuff's oversold

These mercury fumes

And sulphurous spumes

Made me bald and my face looking old

The wrinkles and lines on my face

Keep my rugged good looks in their place

These fine indentations

Give gals palpitations

And that's why they shun my embrace

A wizard, a sage and a witch

All gathered to summon a lich

It paused at the gate

Where its skeletal state

Was so bad that it fell in the ditch

September - so nice warm and dry,

Now rain doth pour from the sky

And now -- Christ! it's snowing!

The climate is going..........

...awry - now it's time kiss this summer goodbye!

....and scansion with it, I see.

A tropical hurricane, Ike

Has winds faster than I ride a bike

Except when pursued

By a bloke in the nude

Who thinks that I'm Natalie Pike

You cannot beat sausage and mash (Kim) McGonagall lives!

It's the best you can get for your cash

Whereas chips and fish

Is a very fine dish

When served on the front page of Flash

While tuning the new Cern collider

I got shitfaced on Diamond White cider

It had a strange charm

So I chanced my arm

And stuck two empty bottles inside ‘er

Last night I had a 'big bang'

When I threw my brand new boomerang

As it hurtled back

Through the starry ink-black

It hit my head with a clang Fed up with this one sitting here, now quickly moving on ...

The things that one keeps in the loft

Are oft fluffy and cuddly and soft

So set a mouse trap

Among all that house crap

Then bin what the rodent half-scoffed.

An aardvark who imbibed ant-acid

Soon found his proboscis all flaccid

His face, it went red

Like litmus, it's said

Leaving him feeling quite placid

"Oh sir!" cried the maid in distress

"My pic's in the tabloidy press"

"I was at a party"

"Dressed up really tarty"

"In my scanty new 'see-through it' dress"

Tonight is the V.P. Debate

So will it seal Ms. Palin's fate?

Can a hockey mom whatever the hell that is

exhibit aplomb

When her kid's up the duff and out late.

The world of finance - it is tottering

We'll all be reducèd to squattering

While those "in the know"

Just rake in the dough

In a way that's very unflattering

My pockets are now filled with dough

I can feel the yeast making it grow

I'll have plenty of bread

Or else, in its stead

The bulge will make her eyes glow

The camera, it's said, never lies

Even if one dons disguise

Dolly Parton with beard

Or your face with clay smeared

Won't hide that you've ate all the pies

"Shall we move a bit nearer the fire?"

"The heat will inflame our desire"

"But what if the glow.. unfin

Starts to melt my big toe?"

Wouldn't that just be too dire?"

All Hallow's Eve was a treat

Except for my melted feet

i walked through the flames

'Cos it's one of my aims

My footprints to set on Fleet Street

A new president has been elected

His cabinet will soon be selected

And Hil'ry, no doubt It has been established in another place that non-smutty limerics rarely rhyme or scan properly

Will not be left out -

Thank goodness that Palin's rejected

A wind of change blows from the East [i,R,K,J,S] Bravo! Most salient

As bakers bake breads without yeast

Mamas noodles we cook

Into sticky gook

That's the supper that we like the least

A shortage of eager lim'rickers

A surfeit of scansion nitpickers

Some grammar pedants

Repeating their chants:

"Indefensible mouse-clickers."

So what makes a humorous rhyme?

And are limericks on the decline?

Then again, clerihews

Have been making the news

For their value is rarely, if ever, revealed in the length of the ultimate line.

While scoffing a large box of chocs

I decided to take off my socks

They smelled like old cheese

Which caused me to wheeze

And cough up a collection of rocks.

Last night while I lay in my bed

I pondered the book I'd just read

The hero, I'm sure,

Was no epicure

Subsisting on baked beans and bread.

My first is in bed and asleep Limeriddles, or something. Or not.

My second is still counting sheep

My third's a surprise

And my fourth does arise

And of the fifth, you won't hear a peep I think we were all stumped on that one. Moving along now...

While I was putting the lights on my tree Xmas theme.

I felt a sharp pain in my knee

Oh, my patella

Get me codeine, young fella

And watch my low limb swinging free (below the knee that is...)

The fluff of my navel is gone

Thanks to this invent-ion

It sucks up the lint

Leaves the fragrance of mint

A cosmetic sine qua non.

When you've got to the top of your game

You should quit well before you're thought lame

For an ageing has-been

Should never be seen

As a resplendent pantomine dame

At Christmas we eat and we drink

But sometimes I have a deep think

My kids then say "Dad,

How much gin have you had?"

Was it Gordon's? Or p'raps was it pink?"

It's almost two-thousand-and-nine

The year of both roses and wine (hopefully)

And juxtaposition

Though price of admission,

Is more than its worth every time

There was a young lad from Bordeaux

Who crossed a Cabernet grape with a Gordo

The juice, when fermented, [irach] I'm reporting you to the Scansion Commission

Made drinkers demented

And girls, though quite chaste, set aglow

A scansion policeman named Bob

Was really quite keen on his job

To such an extent

('bout 200 percent)

That a few syllables he would rob

Please don't put your trash in the bin

To throw anything out is a sin

So recycle all waste

All in good taste

And swallow this Scotch mixed with Gin

The problem with being middle-class

Is that it can be a pain in the arse

The upper crust, though

Are smug 'cause they know

That where there is muck, there is brass

But if you're as common as muck

No silver spoon - no such luck

Get your ar*e on TV
As a Cel-e-brit-ee

And try not to use the word that is now in widespread use in the media, something I thoroughly disapprove of despite my frequent use of it in private conversation.

Big Brother's a load of cheap tat Is this what you mean, Rosie?

The F-Word's no better than that Is Gordon Ramsay the chief culprit, Rosie?

But fortunate-lee (Softers, Kim) Yeah, that sort of thing.

I don't watch TV

And that's why I am such a brat ...

When lines do not follow the rule
Some bullys cry out "What a fool!"

"And as for your plurals" ....next line difficult....

"Worse than epidurals"

But being a rebel is cool

If you chant 'Rule Britannia' out loud

Stiff upper lips will stand proud

But! Say 'God Save the Queen',

And you'll cause a scene

– You'll have to leave under a cloud

There's no roy-al-tee for us Yanks

We make do with missiles and tanks

We drive pickup trucks

That we buy using bucks

And we spend all your oil saying: Thanks !

In Texas they say "Howdee y'all"

In Yorkshire "Ay-up"'s what they call

But in SW3

They say naught - you trust me

They write Limerick lines - what a ball!

There was a young fellow from Penge

Who decided to take his revenge

On his great-aunt from Poole

With a long-handled tool

he twisted her nose with a wrench

The bishops of Penge and of Poole

Were fond of the odd game of boules

But their cup ranneth over

When a straw-chewing drover

Showed them his family jewel ...hat and coat, please...

Marc (in the Alps)

Dear Fraulein my Glüwein is cold

Bitte, will you mein Glüwein please hold

While I trinketh my beer

Please nibble my ear

And do anything else that is bold

As I stood on the top of K2

I thought "I did all this for you!"

"I brave the fierce wind"

"My career I've binned"

"But it's worth it, just look at the view!"

As I squelched through the mudflats of Kent

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