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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Double glazed so they keep out the cold.
If you ever have tea with the Pope
Tell the obnoxious bastard to get a fucking grip and consider the suffering of his morally intractable position on condom use.
Should have been "suffering caused by"... sorry. Normal unranty service now resumes
Simons Said: If you ever have tea with the Pope
Ask if he'd fancy a grope
Most likely he'll say
"Come later today"
When I'll ask of two nuns, 'Where's the soap?' " Please excuse the iffy punctuation, but I think you'll find my poetic licence is up-to-date.
While scooping baked beans from a tin (Phil) I see you are the proud possessor of the Diploma of Advanced Filth as well.
I drunk a whole bottle of gin
Now there's beans on the floor
And I'm drunk, and what's more
I am sure I've comitted a sin (to be cont'd...)
'case the gin that I gulped wasn't mine
'cause the gin that I gulped wasn't mine
I thought that was a reasonable continuation? So:
Marc - 'cause the gin that I gulped wasn't mine
(It belonged to Jeremy Vine)
I'd best make amends - < mode/school ma'am > What a messy page! You can all stay behind at break .. < /mode>
Or we'll never be friends
So I've bought him this sparkling white wine.
The Pope's in the US of A
Shooting craps with New Jersey's D.A.
Their guns on the table
And a hooker named Mabel
Oh no here come the press! Run away!
In the US is also G Brown
Upstaged by Pope Talk-of-the-Town
Our own dour Scot
Is expecting a lot
Like swim 'cross the (baptismal) font - or just drown
There isn't a lot one can do
On a visit to old Kathmandu
Its strange architecture
Can trigger conjecture
That architects there were bored too.
While reading an Icelandic Saga (i,C,P,b) Top drawer. Still quietly chortling.
Queen Ragnhild made me go ga-ga
I much prefer Norse
And that is because
It's the land that gave the world lager. So nuke it.
If you want to achieve instant fame
You first should take on a new name
Such as Bill, Sue or Bob
Or else Jill, Hugh or Rob
And then kill every human dubbed same
If you could make a trip to the moon
With three crystals, an ankh and a rune
Your lunar sojourn
You old curmudgeon
Will grumpily last until June
To travel through space is my wish
On this customised satellite dish
To Alpha Centauri!
For honor and glory!
I'll leave fast as light with a swish!
So we'll steer a brave course towards the stars
wards?
With our Icelandic pilot, named Lars [Raak] "t'wards", perhaps?
Our work will be done (just read some of the recent entries and this game appears to be going thru a particularly good phase)
When we reach a new sun
And we've daubed it with chocolate from Mars
Forward, brave cosmonauts, go!
The seeds of adventure to sow
Set phasers to stun!
At a quarter to one
Wait! What is that eerie green glow? (to be continued}
[Projoy] Don't worry. We can fix that.
The ghostly chartreuse phosphorescence
That haunts, of a midnight, my pleasance
Is a manifestation ....bit of a squash...
Of my medication
That I take for excessive tumescence
[C,R,R,D,J] Nice :)
I'm just off to take some viagra
'Cause I'm hoping to pull in Niagara
[blamelewis] Thanks - but my first line was supposed to continue the space theme [clearly indicated by CdM]. All's well that ends well, eh? As for the current lim - there are precisely NO rhymes listed for the ubiquitous Viagra. Niagara will do the trick [for now] but it DOES make it very difficult for others to follow your lead.
Where the girls are so horny . . . subtle stuff . . . (Juxt) There is a more natural remedy. (Chalky) One can just about do something with Niagara but not, agreed, viagra, at least in the rhyming sense.
And like men big and brawny
And suffer from chronic cleidagra
On the right side we see what is left
'Cos the left side now is bereft
Of what's on the right
Which is right in your sight
But you need to be visually deft.
[Chalky] - I just assumed that the plot outlined in the limerick in question happened in space... :) As for viagra, I thought of niagra (and had a vague idea that there might be an ejaculatory metaphor in there somewhere...) but couldn't think of a third rhyme but hoped others with bigger vocabularies might find one, or else employ a bit of creative twisting to still allow for a fun limerick - so bravo Marc for finding the "gouty pain in the clavicle".
I expanded my vocabulary
By mimicking old Sweary Mary
I'll show that I'm really no fairy
When I entered the constabulary   I think we have two limericks on the go simultaneously.

Perhaps three. Shall I ...?
b - I expanded my vocabulary
P - By mimicking old Sweary Mary / S - I'll show that I'm really no fairy / R - When I entered the constabulary
I peppered my chat / Test-os-te-rone / I copped three new words
With words so profane that / Really gives me the bone / (They were slag, nonce and birds)
b+P The barkeep threw up in my sherry
P+S (But then, so do backs that are hairy)
S+R When I slept with the Sergeant's canary.
[Juxtapose] very clever and very funny. Bravo :-)
That was fun!
In my hand is a very strange thing
I found it while passing through Tring
It makes a loud beep
At which sound I leap
I'd rather a long ding-a-ling.
I don't have a cent to my name
Can't make bucks as a pantomime dame
But I might as a horse
(The front end, of course)
But I'm stuck with the rear -- O the shame!
Regardless of all the objections
I've taken those hormone injections
So lock up your daughters
Make way for the slaughters
I shoot lasers in all the directions!
A sure way to tell left from right
Is tieing one sneaker too tight [Tuj] nice ending on the last one
When that foot goes all numb
Take the opposite thumb
And measure the width of its height - silly - but that's limericks :-)
Believe me - I've just laid an egg!
'twas launched through my left trousers leg
The birds know what 'tis
'S them we must quiz
But please ask them nicely - don't beg
I like to drink strawberry milk
Through a straw spun from taffeta silk
Some call me a ponce
But my cool nonchalance
Is required as a trait of my ilk
Oh-bla-di, oh-bla-da, life goes on
So how come I feel put-upon?
This mortal coil
Just makes me recoil
'Cos someone had left it switched on.
A potential supplier of Volts
Had an urge to electrocute dolts
A hard man, is Thor
He'll give you what-for
As he hammers you with thunder-bolts
Take care when attaching this lead
The wrong place and you might start to bleed
When you turn up the amps
You'll get aural cramps
And I don't believe that's what you need
There was an old man of the hills
Who made some good hooch in his stills
And this fiery liquor
Was bought by our vicar
To wash down all his happy pills
There was an old man of the dales
Who ate nothing but old rusty nails
As he shat, out came chains
Which he used to pull trains
But I'll skip all the gory details
I once bought a large fish and chips
Since then I’ve had fat greasy lips
The shop's deep fat fryer
Discharged its entire
Greasy load down on me - head to hips
The last three made me guffaw almost audibly here in the office.
There once was a man of the fens
Whose face was all covered in wens
This spotty visage
Clocked my décolletage
Having already clocked pen's. No guffawing, please.
There was an old man of the seas
Who enjoyed his shipboard high teas
He liked cream on his scones
And a skull with his bones
But no pie with his rate, if you please
There was an old man of the plains
Who prayed for the start of the rains
But a large inundation
Caused great consternation
Since Severn Trent buggered the mains.
A lady of uncertain age
Met an old man who lived in a cage
She said: "My dear man"
"I have lived in a can"
"As one must when on minimum wage"
A man with a Cheshire cat grin
A victim was of his own spin
But he knew in his heart
That he needed to fart
For it's better let out than kept in.
A lady constructed of iron
Was placed on a plinth on Mount Zion
Her mute ferric gaze
And Thatcherite ways
Is what Dave Camer-on keeps his eye on. Sorry about that.
A child made of sugar and spice
Her wedding will come at a price
But while she's a girl
Watch her hip, skip and twirl
And don't dwell on financial advice

Can't say I enjoyed the direction that limerick was taking - and it was beginning to annoy me - hence the mercy killing :-(
Young Mikey's a finicky lad
And also a terrible cad
He's fussily lewd
and not very shrewd
And Mondays he’s jerking like mad
It seems like a terrible waste [Chasty] Have you met Nemesis646?
Not to eat this delectable paste
But what makes me pause
Are these small waving claws
P'raps discretion is better than haste
There once was a curate of Ghent
Who put up a sign: "Faith for rent",
A passing young scholar
Hired a dog collar
And gave up his old ways for lent
There once was an old yoga master
At a bar with a Methodist pastor
One stood on his head
The other just bled
Their date was an utter disaster
*laughs out LOUD*
SWM, 34,
Offers cuddles, romance and much more I've read these in the past - does it show?
For nights out and in
Drinking tonic and gin
Just knock three times on the front door.
Sorry, forgot the line...
The skill to draw lines we must train
And how to make Bold learn again
The scansion dear friend,
One must not bend
Or we put in much work for small gain.
"It's enchanting to meet you, dear lady"
(I never thought that I'd meet Kate Adie)
You're said to be tough
And a bit of hot stuff
No wonder your chin’s a bit shady
I can't help but notice that bulge
In your midriff- could you please divulge?
Just why you're so fat
So lazy and a brat
And if I can in that indulge?
I know it's not Betjemen but I was seriously wondering where this was going...
Come friendly bombs and fall on Slough! - [Botherererer] This is :)
But not on Maidenhead - for now
'Cos it is so pretty
Compared with White City - refusing to use the obvious rhyme
Does poetic licence allow?
There was a young chap from Nuneaton
Whose great-grandma was Mrs Beeton
And, what is more
Went on a grand tour - likewise refusing the obvious rhyme
Where she met a great bear and was eaten.
I just had a strange kind of tea [Raak] Ha ha
Three dear old ladies and me
We all shared a scone Pronunciation Alert!!
As we had but the one ...which rhymes perfectly in my household
No arsenic or old lace I see
A paste made of tuna and eggs
Is perfect for waxing the legs
Its H2S and amines
Applied every day means
You'll enjoy totally hairless square pegs
Oi you! Yes you - bloke on the left!
Need ya - not yer brains, just your heft
I've a thing here you'll see
That's much bigger than me
And my toe's being crushed. That's why I effed.
A man of the Scottish persuasion
Imbibed haggis at every occcasion
Its earthy bouquet [irach] Imbibed? Haggis?
And appearance risqué
When liquidized is quite amazin' [irach] Correcting the logic ;o)
I've got this idea in my head
I'm lying awake in my bed
I'm turning it over
And over and over
That insomnia's fatal, it's said.
Sleep came like a reluctant gift
As I entered a temporal rift
I started to dream
We were a good team
Me and my time-travelling lift
I finished this poem tomorrow
In a Tardis the Doc let me borrow
Inside it's so spacious
Not to say ostentatious
But it brought me back here to my sorrow...
You travel in time in your dreams
And it's all so confusing, it seems
And Freud made it worse/b>
Which is really perverse
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