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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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A prophylactic I'll need
Which after I'll flush down the sewer
He stood ankle deep in the sewer
Wished the rats swarming round were much fewer
The stench, too, was vile
Yet one thing made him smile:
A young lady approached and he knew her
Her Maj's Inspector of Taxes
Gets many abusive faxes
But why should he care?
'Cause I don't. So there. - truly - I don't
As long as my bank account waxes.
The moon, oh she waxes and wanes
She beguiles those who love in dark lanes
When these moonstruck entwine
You can see the moon shine
By the light of far fusion-fueled flames. Try saying that three times quickly.
My washing line is a catenary
Supplying railway machinery
Hmmm... I thought I posted this comment before, but maybe I just previewed. Anyway, [SW], maybe I am missing something, but I simply cannot make sense of your line as a follow-up to Rosie's. And judging by the silence here, neither can anyone else...
The purple giraffe
Is good for a laugh
And greatly enhances the scenery. (CdM) Possibly, but he could be referring to those little chains that used to connect loose-coupled wagons. Anyway, I've broken all the rules by ending this one and nearly did so earlier, my first line being a bit too technical, perhaps.
The funniest limerick written
Is about a pair of blue mittens
Or, perhaps, just the one? irony invoked
With a hole in its thumb?
Gnawed on by a pair of blue kittens
The distance from here to Kentucky
May be leapt in one jump by the plucky
Just settle your stance,
Aim squarely for France
And you'll get there on time if you're lucky
There was a young man from Brazil [CdM, Rosie] actually, I was referring to one of these
Who decided to write his own will
"Mi Testamento", he began
To ten sides of foolscap it ran (Softers) I'd forgotten about those wires and so had CdM, possibly. I'm not into electrics, as you know. :-)
With scansion that made readers ill.
A crusty curmudgeon from Dover
Always puked when he heard "The Wild Rover"
'Cos his car was a Metro
Its styling so retro
With a failed MOT moreover
I drive a Mercedes-Benz well, not really
Old, with knocking big ends
Its top speed is thirty
Its air filter's dirty
But ya gotta keep up with the trends
An Escort estate is my steed
I've started to run it on mead
The fumes really stink
Like me, after drink
But it goes like a honey on speed
A Dutchman called Maurice van Hoote 2 syllabubs in Hoote.
Wore clogs that war werkelijk te groote
Zij kwetsen zijn voeten
Werstopft wurst van Hooten Flamish dialect warning!
Hij stempelde helemaal over het fruit Slightly dodgy flow warning!
Can we do a bifurcated Limerick that at least scans in two languages at once? If it rhymes in both languages too, then so much the better, but I reckon rhyming in one language would be enough.
Un loup-garou mangeait un chat - A werewolf was eating a cat
Qu'il a pris dans un sous-sol, à bas - Which he found in a sub-basement flat
Sounds like an idea for the Wretchedly Difficult Poetry game on Orange
Quand tout à coup - When quite suddenly
Il dit "Je m'en fous" - Said "Bovvered? Not me" Don't ask me to try one in Welsh. 5 lines out of 5 is a bad form, and my Dad would turn in his grave.:-)
"Est ce ce que je fais que cela!" - "This is what I do - and that's that !"
Beware of the were-armadillo!
For example, Michael Portillo
Was bit on the knee
As he went out to pee
On the range near the town, Amarillo
In Esher they often do say
That a moron is born every day btw, congrats to everyone in the bilingual limerick - bloody marvellous!
In Egham, meanwhile
High achievement's in style
Unless pissed, when they fall in the Wey.
Oi! Waiter! This soup's ruddy cold!
Your tip, my good man, is on hold
The gratuity's due
But it ain't for you
So hot up your pace - you've been told!
I'm sure there's a witty finish to this stalled* limerick - but as no-one has ventured one, you'll have to accept my dull offering.
*< musing > It's strange how some limericks simply run out of steam. In this instance, despite a lively start, lines 3 and 4 merely re-iterated line 2, offering no real development of the idea/story, leaving us with no where to go. < /musing >
So we need to develop the plot
Whether it thickens or not
So develop the tale
Or Chalky will wail
But make sure your scansion is hot!
That's a whole different kettle of fish
(That's fish in a pot, not a dish)
So boil up your cod
Freshly caught on a rod
I'm sure it will turn out delish
I say! Is that blood on your hand?
Or are you just overly tanned?
Your skin is so red
Is anyone dead?
Did you take out the man that you planned?
Hurry along now, nothing to see here.
Strategy is a technique
'Tho sometimes appearing oblique
Choosing tactics to use
will never excuse
Just guessing in moments of pique I fear that may have strayed into being too vague & abstract
If you're uncertain, just guess Opposite-limerick experiment
You're sure to be right, more or less
Thus, my prediction
turns out to be fiction [Juxtapose] Did you mean backwards, or something else?
Please tell me if No or if Yes?
I’m sure Easter Bunnies lay egg
Such bunnies, they say, have two leg
With chocolate ears
They don't so well hears
Poor things - they're simply the dreg.
In anger I say, "Son of gun!" Continuing with "deliberately bad grammar" theme
"You've stolen my last Hot Cross Bun!"
Your greed, it are frightful
Proceed, that's so spiteful
You bastard - Attila the Hun! Swiftly moving on wishing you all a nice April-fools day
There once was a plumber from Lodz careful.... :-)
Who worked as a conjuror's stodz
His rabbits, he found
Kept on going to ground
And they'd use the town's drains for refyodz
When selecting a verse's last word
From whimsy be not deterred
Nor sarcastic or trite
Rather witty than bright
And genius will be inferred
The Lim'rick's a wonderful verse
With a range from whimsical to terse
In which we display
Our skills every day
'Tho sometimes our scansion is worse
While Edward Lear turns in his grave
Say 'Bah' to the form - misbehave!
Au contraire, I insist
With perfection persist
To scansion and rhyme be a slave
The moon, as it waxes and wanes
Elicits weird urges in Danes
Their flesh gets too solid
Their conscience too stolid
They drink lots of Carlsberg while rattling their chains
The best beer of choice is Black Gold,
By the cubic mile is it sold
To giants on Mars
That wear J-cup bras
Double glazed so they keep out the cold.
If you ever have tea with the Pope
Tell the obnoxious bastard to get a fucking grip and consider the suffering of his morally intractable position on condom use.
Should have been "suffering caused by"... sorry. Normal unranty service now resumes
Simons Said: If you ever have tea with the Pope
Ask if he'd fancy a grope
Most likely he'll say
"Come later today"
When I'll ask of two nuns, 'Where's the soap?' " Please excuse the iffy punctuation, but I think you'll find my poetic licence is up-to-date.
While scooping baked beans from a tin (Phil) I see you are the proud possessor of the Diploma of Advanced Filth as well.
I drunk a whole bottle of gin
Now there's beans on the floor
And I'm drunk, and what's more
I am sure I've comitted a sin (to be cont'd...)
'case the gin that I gulped wasn't mine
'cause the gin that I gulped wasn't mine
I thought that was a reasonable continuation? So:
Marc - 'cause the gin that I gulped wasn't mine
(It belonged to Jeremy Vine)
I'd best make amends - < mode/school ma'am > What a messy page! You can all stay behind at break .. < /mode>
Or we'll never be friends
So I've bought him this sparkling white wine.
The Pope's in the US of A
Shooting craps with New Jersey's D.A.
Their guns on the table
And a hooker named Mabel
Oh no here come the press! Run away!
In the US is also G Brown
Upstaged by Pope Talk-of-the-Town
Our own dour Scot
Is expecting a lot
Like swim 'cross the (baptismal) font - or just drown
There isn't a lot one can do
On a visit to old Kathmandu
Its strange architecture
Can trigger conjecture
That architects there were bored too.
While reading an Icelandic Saga (i,C,P,b) Top drawer. Still quietly chortling.
Queen Ragnhild made me go ga-ga
I much prefer Norse
And that is because
It's the land that gave the world lager. So nuke it.
If you want to achieve instant fame
You first should take on a new name
Such as Bill, Sue or Bob
Or else Jill, Hugh or Rob
And then kill every human dubbed same
If you could make a trip to the moon
With three crystals, an ankh and a rune
Your lunar sojourn
You old curmudgeon
Will grumpily last until June
To travel through space is my wish
On this customised satellite dish
To Alpha Centauri!
For honor and glory!
I'll leave fast as light with a swish!
So we'll steer a brave course towards the stars
wards?
With our Icelandic pilot, named Lars [Raak] "t'wards", perhaps?
Our work will be done (just read some of the recent entries and this game appears to be going thru a particularly good phase)
When we reach a new sun
And we've daubed it with chocolate from Mars
Forward, brave cosmonauts, go!
The seeds of adventure to sow
Set phasers to stun!
At a quarter to one
Wait! What is that eerie green glow? (to be continued}
[Projoy] Don't worry. We can fix that.
The ghostly chartreuse phosphorescence
That haunts, of a midnight, my pleasance
Is a manifestation ....bit of a squash...
Of my medication
That I take for excessive tumescence
[C,R,R,D,J] Nice :)
I'm just off to take some viagra
'Cause I'm hoping to pull in Niagara
[blamelewis] Thanks - but my first line was supposed to continue the space theme [clearly indicated by CdM]. All's well that ends well, eh? As for the current lim - there are precisely NO rhymes listed for the ubiquitous Viagra. Niagara will do the trick [for now] but it DOES make it very difficult for others to follow your lead.
Where the girls are so horny . . . subtle stuff . . . (Juxt) There is a more natural remedy. (Chalky) One can just about do something with Niagara but not, agreed, viagra, at least in the rhyming sense.
And like men big and brawny
And suffer from chronic cleidagra
On the right side we see what is left
'Cos the left side now is bereft
Of what's on the right
Which is right in your sight
But you need to be visually deft.
[Chalky] - I just assumed that the plot outlined in the limerick in question happened in space... :) As for viagra, I thought of niagra (and had a vague idea that there might be an ejaculatory metaphor in there somewhere...) but couldn't think of a third rhyme but hoped others with bigger vocabularies might find one, or else employ a bit of creative twisting to still allow for a fun limerick - so bravo Marc for finding the "gouty pain in the clavicle".
I expanded my vocabulary
By mimicking old Sweary Mary
I'll show that I'm really no fairy
When I entered the constabulary   I think we have two limericks on the go simultaneously.

Perhaps three. Shall I ...?
b - I expanded my vocabulary
P - By mimicking old Sweary Mary / S - I'll show that I'm really no fairy / R - When I entered the constabulary
I peppered my chat / Test-os-te-rone / I copped three new words
With words so profane that / Really gives me the bone / (They were slag, nonce and birds)
b+P The barkeep threw up in my sherry
P+S (But then, so do backs that are hairy)
S+R When I slept with the Sergeant's canary.
[Juxtapose] very clever and very funny. Bravo :-)
That was fun!
In my hand is a very strange thing
I found it while passing through Tring
It makes a loud beep
At which sound I leap
I'd rather a long ding-a-ling.
I don't have a cent to my name
Can't make bucks as a pantomime dame
But I might as a horse
(The front end, of course)
But I'm stuck with the rear -- O the shame!
Regardless of all the objections
I've taken those hormone injections
So lock up your daughters
Make way for the slaughters
I shoot lasers in all the directions!
A sure way to tell left from right
Is tieing one sneaker too tight [Tuj] nice ending on the last one
When that foot goes all numb
Take the opposite thumb
And measure the width of its height - silly - but that's limericks :-)
Believe me - I've just laid an egg!
'twas launched through my left trousers leg
The birds know what 'tis
'S them we must quiz
But please ask them nicely - don't beg
I like to drink strawberry milk
Through a straw spun from taffeta silk
Some call me a ponce
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