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The Obligatory Limericks Game Reincarnated
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And so it begins....
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Cash, dollar, loot, pennies, spondoolies
Alas, they're unknown to most coolies (pen) You will not tempt me into testicular references, but watch the 5th line. :-)
For them it's just barter Touché, Rosie ;o)
A note's a non-starter
But useful when shopping in Woollies
The time has arrived - celebrate!
I've worked out how to reincarnate!
I'll be back in a tick
As my new self, Old Nick
Now at last I'll take hold of my fate!
He locked us all into the shed
Looked us straight in the eye and then said:
"You all share one eye!"
"Is it Cyclops I spy?"
Our collective look killed - now he's dead
On slaying a mythical beast
The druids decided to feast
On roast gryphon wings
Or cherubims rings coat!
Or the tail of a ferret at least
Impractical thoughts such as mine
Deal with thou beside me and wine
For this combination
- salacious libation -
The finger writes; having writ, dines.
There's no wind but we sail anyway
So far, we have not left the bay.
Becalmed as we are
We can't go very far
And we'll be in the doldrums all day
Suddenly, there's a hurricane......

We battle 'gainst wind, wave and foam

In quest of a land to call "home"
In the teeth of the gale
We shall always prevail
Till we settle and nevermore roam
I have something between my two legs
So ladies, hang on to your eggs!
Lest fertilisation (Phil) You're dir'y.
Should lead to gestation
You'll look like this pair of beer-kegs?
A girl in a suit can look dapper
Especially one who's a tapper (i.e. tap dancer)
But a man in a skirt
Who chances to flirt
Will never pull more than a slapper. Rather surpising that this one has hung around for so long so I've taken the liberty.
My gosh, it's already July! thank you, Rosie.
I'm late, I really must fly!
Heathrow, here I come
I'll fly to Dum Dum [Calcutta's airport, that is]
I prefer the monsoon to the dry!
If you start, then you've started - that's good.
If you haven't, I wish that you would!
If you're already done
Or perhaps you've just come
To a halt; well, you did what you could.
While turning gold back to base metal
I watched the gold dust neatly settle
Into ingots of lead
So I thought, but instead
I made tea from hot water in t'kettle
Enough is enough is enough
Especially if one's feeling rough
Then enough can return
From which I discern
I'll undress and post this in the bough.
I now have a vision of Raak Hope you don't mind us having a little sport, old bean.
But only if viewed from the back
When viewed from the front an early candidate for Feedline of the Month
(I'll just have to be blunt)
There's something he appears to lack no offence...
Penelope feareth no man
(Please keep it clean, if you can)
For her feminine wiles
May bring forth many smiles
As she's known for her famous can-can
I want you to tell me the truth
Are you Valerie, Mabel or Ruth?
It's so hard to tell
Which is which gel Don'cha know
"My name's Harry, a gender bent youth"
I'm afflicted with six insect bites
I've been tasted by fleas, ticks and mites
'Tis the swamp that they seek
But havoc they wreak
Is something my hygiene invites. Sniffs armpit - poo.
The present is never the present
It's past for cooked geese or cooked pheasant
What the future beholds
Influenza and colds no doubt
Seize the day, for this morning, 'tis pleasant.
Well, Elvis is dead - but alive
At least amongst those who can jive
But why do they wear
So much lard in their hair?
When will Grecian 2000 arrive?
A pack of the very best plugs
Costs more than its weight in hard drugs
They're more galvanising
So it's not so surprising
That they come recommended by Suggs
Are these 'mobile phone' gadgets a fad?
And do i-Pods turn good children bad?
Or are they besotted
Besmeared and tight knotted
This Hi-Tech will drive us all mad.
I look in the mirror. Who's this?
It's me? Your taking the piss!
I was young looking smart
And had mastered the art
Of toilet bowl game "hit or miss"
I once met a nun from Milan
Who wanted to start her own clan
Both Sisters and Brothers
And uncertain "others"
Said "Dad's a McLeod, and me gran". So the whole thing just went down the pan.
A tenor who sang in Modena
Perhaps should have been a bit leaner
With angels he's singing
Adagio, bringing
[Don't quite see why Marc's perfectly reasonable line should stall things for more than a week. It's not like the word 'singing' lacks rhymes …]
Huge joy in his heav'nly arena
... [SM] quite - I'm assuming lack of lean-ness equates to death-ness [angels]. Moving swifterly on ...
I'm not sure if I'll find the time
Or the inspiration sublime
To take part in this game ;-)
In the hope of great fame
And escape from my life's grit and grime
But fame will not change me a jot
At least, I assume it will not
But in the limelight
I will get the rhyme right!
And the scansion, and grammar, and plot.
A young lad from Lytham St Annes
Had a penchant for stealing white vans
Which he'd drive at great speed
While puffing some weed
And swigging cheap beer from its cans
I've just spent a week on the tube
And all rails I have greased with fresh lube
I've cleaned all the tiles
Overhauled the turnstiles
And swept up all hairs of the pube
While studying the surface of Mars
I observed some deposits of tars
Which made me examine
The dictionary to find another word to rhyme
The famine that's caused by catarrhs Tut tut...
Re: Rhymes - I confess that 'famine' was the only word I could come up with. How to keep that in the context of Mars had me completely foxed, which was why I didn't post. I'm sure Chalky had something in mind...
Bob Marley was famous for jammin' for example...
Tho' some thought he always was hammin'
A funk rastafarin [IS,P, pen] True, but in context?
Cussin' and swearin' "This pit that I am in" would have been a perfectly acceptable line, I think. IS,P had it right: if you can't think of a rhyme, then let others have a try, at least until a couple of days have gone by.
He'd go out and sing somethin' damnin'
[Software] Thought I'd wait until the last one was complete before I made a comment ... all I can do is fully concur with IS,P's remark and pennylope/irach/Darren's contributions and, not least, CdM of the Wise Words. Patience, man!
Incredible sights can be seen
From the Moon, if your eyesight is keen
For instance, the earth
Is certainly worth
One pound 'cause it's made from cheese that is green
Whenever you think you are right
Beware if your wife is in sight
You'll probably find
She's hijacked your mind
And is raring to go for a fight
"I may be some time", quoth Oates
"Since Hall's out sowing wild oats"
"So while you may wait"
"Don't stay up too late"
"'cos at dawn you'll be milking the goats."
The gostak's distimmed all my doshes
I've markled the fanturic roshes
My satchbere has jored
(Conquintly misgoared!)
And I've murgle my clep with gooloshes
An ichthyophagous iguana
Attained a true state of nirvana
But the simple brown newt
Is not so astute
And struggles to manage his prana with apologies for hogging
The hog is a curious beast
Remarkably skilled on the piste. [Software] I hate to criticise again so soon, but really! Was 'gooloshes' the best rhyme you could come up with, when 'floshes', 'reswoshes', and even 'underphoshes' were all available. Any one of those would have allowed you to post a line that fit with the rest of the limerick, instead of that nonsense you put down. *shakes head*
... and what's more - your 'murgle' should have been 'murgled' if you really intended to stay true to the tense. :-)
The key to its skill
Oh dear - hr instead of br - schoolgirl error - which I will put right -
Tuj - The hog is a curious beast
CdM - Remarkably skilled on the piste
Chalky Its key to success
Is a long satin dress
With which its drag force is decreased
[Chalky] Not sure that you are right about that. I think murgle is an acceptable past participle in some dialects -- like 'I have stole' rather than 'I have stolen'. And from what I hear, that Channel Islands dialect can be pretty odd at times.
While attempting to extract a square root (Juxt) V. good. (CdM, Chalky) How much more dung are you going to fling at him? It's not as if he's f***** the game up.
My computer had need to reboot
Switch it off, switch it on [Rosie] Check your Spoof Detector batteries :o)
Then delete all the pr0n
Which takes hours - you may need to re-route
[CdM] A fair point. However, Ernie Murgle's tract: Semantic Correlates of Unaccusativity [1973] highlights the formal properties of such lexical derivations. 'Murgle' from the French 'murgler' has evolved into one of the few verbs that can have infinitive objects with agents or gerunds but with a difference in meaning which is left to the speaker/writer. Agree, though, that wibbly dialect can distort the shades of meaning.
(pen) Batteries OK - no spoofery detected. Are you sure yours don't need the recharger. :-)
Whenever you need to recharge [Rosie] If I didn't know you better I'd say you'd had a SOH bypass :-)
Set sail on the Rhone in a barge
Then dangle your toes
In the river that flows
Ça vous fera d'avantage. (Chalky) Yeah, awright missis. :-)
If it's fun and adventure you seek, [Rosie]*coughcoughbadsyntaxcough*
Climb to Kilimanjaro's cold peak
Then put on your skis
Connect to your Wii's
Then launch your surf-kite with a shriek....
When surfing the net please beware
Of sites which promote latex wear
Their corrupting allure
Will quickly assure
You that fetishism's not rare. (nights) I'm not surprised. What should it be, then? I did get the country right. Next time; Welsh.
Lain down by the fire one night, (Rosie) I'd have gone for "ça vous sera d'avantage" myself. Irritatingly though, I can't satisfactorily tell you why.
Was a phantom of my pure delight
'Twas wreathèd in vapours (nights) Not the syntax, then. Just one letter, in fact, but I bow to your greater knowledge.
And danced veilèd capers
Sure-ly a drink induced sight [Rosie/nights] personally I would have used soit, since there is a degree of uncertainty.
The sights you can see when you're drunk
Can put the naive in a funk
Pink elephants prancing
All hopes of recovery truly sunk [Software] Crikey, you're right, but then I was never any good at the subjunctive.
Of mice and of men let us sing
Grapes of wrath to the table let's bring
And Silence of the Lambs
I wouldn't normally do this, but given that this line doesn't really scan, seems unconnected to the previous lines (unless I'm missing something), and has apparently stalled the limerick, I suggest replacing it with
To Cannery Row
To get on with the show
East of Eden said Arthur, the King. Sorry guys, must have been hungry as I posted that line… Thought you were aiming at book titles containing animals or food and didn’t instantly see the connection with John Steinbeck’s eminent works. Completely agree with your remark about the scansion, here is a huge potential for improvements both regarding mine and other submissions I’m afraid…
It’s stated that Scansion is Science www.berkeley.edu/news/media/releases/99legacy/8-23-1999b.html
You can do it too, with this appliance!
Take note of the meter
And make your verse neater
Scansion police will check your compliance
The police are coming! Now run!
They'll gasp when they see what we've done
It took us a week
To construct this cheek
Now these cops will all ruin our fun
There was a posh lady from Purley
Who loved all things lacy and girly
Her knickers were found
Entwinéd around
Her ankles by a chap big and burly
Eat less and live long, so they say
And think, "what does Calista weigh"?
Give answer in ounces
(Clue)-(No part of her bounces)
She's this close to floating away
A grocer from old London town
Wore a beautiful cabbage-leaf gown
When it started to wilt
They revived it with silt
That Old Father Thames had brought down.
I met a mad widow from Worcester
Who thought she was General Cucestor [Jux] That's much more of a sod of a rhyme that you may have intended.
Though the vicar had Bleicester (SM) It is, unless northern vowels are invoked, which makes it much easier.
Delusions did feicester
No problem -- to them she was Ucester.
While pond'ring the properties of matter
I constructed a new kind of batter
Though crumbly and soft
It re-lines the loft 1 + 4 OK?
But it's low cal- it won't make you fatter
There was a young bard from Japan
Who was stung on the knee by a wasp
He cursed and screamed and hollered
And said, "Please take me to hosp."
A glimerick (or possibly a limerorm) by Simons Mith
Mm, hybrid poetical forms. The limeronnet: 7 couplets, alternately long and short limerick metre, with the long couplets all using the same rhyme. The sonnaiku: 14 syllables in 4 lines with ABBA rhyme. The limerestina: a cycle of five limericks plus a final couplet following rules too complicated to work out. The villanellerick, the Petrarchan tercet, the epic cinquain, ...
There once was a Samurai coward ...swiftly moving on...
Who worked for Prime Minister Howard
With his trusty katana
And half-ripe banana
His deeds with great praises were showered. Australian in a nutshell, really
Sonnaiku
Rare form of verse
Severely terse
Tough to do
Hard but fair
Keeping it short
Makes the verse taut
No hot air
Modern
Hiawatha
Made himself some mittens
Fur side inside, skin side outside
Cosy!
[SM] Bravo!
I wonder if we could try for a limeronnet? Lines 1, 2, 5, 6, 9, 10, 13, and 14 all have to rhyme.
A young man who went out on a date
With a girl from Connecticut State
Was charmèd to learn
She expected to earn
A stiff fee if he wanted to mate
[Raak] I think that <hr> means 'no'. You can have a go on your own if you like. We'll watch.
Makes a limerick that is too terse
Normal service shall soon be resumed
When that nice Edward Lear is exhumed
He spins in his grave
His soul we must save
Lest our wit end up dead and entombed.
Top limming all round :-)
There was an old man with no beard
Who said, "It is not, as I feared,
Malign alopecia
But a non-hirsute feature
Sleep-walking where livestock is sheared"
At Bristol, Temple Meads Station
I felt a quick stab of elation
As I ran to my train
I felt it again
But alas - it was mere constipation
The pain in my butt's getting worse
If it gets any worse I might curse
But with this senna pod
Flushing out my whole bod
I may stop being quite so perverse
Let's all sing in praise of the prune
Will the tenors please get in tune
For "Gloria-Il Pruno!"
...poetic license invoked (should actually be "la prugna secca" )
(Sung alla Frank Bruno)
Will sound more like Clair de Lune
While trying to put up a shelf
I just realised I was an elf
My tiny physique
Makes six feet of teak
Too heavy to put up myself.
I enjoyed that one :-)
I ordered a chair from IKEA
But instead got a case of Sangría
Those Swedes, they're so boozy
At despatch they're not choosy
Yet, boozeless, they tend to be angrier
My girlfriend from Stockholm, so cute
Played a gay saraband on the flute
I joined in on bass
Wearing taffeta lace
But the talent scout gave us the boot!
The orchestra struck up a tune
The lounge singer started to croon
As I looked at her eyes
To my great surprise
One was purple, the other maroon
While strolling one morning in June
I noticed the Man in the Moon
He looked down at me
Superciliously
'Cos I was walking along with a spoon
The good folk of Accrington, Lancs
Had tattoos of dogs on their shanks
The reason, they claimed,
They were artistic'ly maimed
Was because of the tattooist's pranks sorrysorrysorry
A problem with poodles and collies
Is their fear of Victorian follies
Which makes them pass water
Their legs then grow shorter
And they steal all the little kids' lollies.
If you stand on a hill in the rain
People will say you're insane
And the wetter you get
The longer you'll sit
And you'll never make that train. At least not to MC...
One day while defrosting the fridge
I found on the icecream, a midge
On the butter, a bug
Of green mould, a rug
And another head on London Bridge
Just eat when you're hungry and then,
Eat nowt till you're hungry again
With such a regime
Your rather large beam
Will go; you'll be svelte, and pull men.
There once was a man from Glasgow
Who when fishing, would let a caught bass go
His ichthyo mercy
To them that prefer sea You do better . . . .
Would give him a satisfied glow
It's good to return from the cold
I'm an ex-spy, and I'm getting old
My decoder ring
Just won't sing
[Red Wolf] oopsie ... 3 - yes a mere 3 syllables ... sorry chap - not quite the thing :-) Have another crack at it, eh?
Just ain't enough bling How's that, [Chalky]? Never have been wonderful limericks, ever since hearing "There once was a man from Nantuckett"...
It's plastic and steel, not gold. (RW) Just will not sing, or The bugger don't sing would have done. It's the rhythm.
If I had a heart, I would give u.s.a.
Some poor bugger a chance to live That seems to scan right...
My donated ticker
Sewn in someone who's sicker
Is useless - it leaks like a sieve Difficult rhyme
If your kidneys have suffered from drink
Which caused them to shrivel and shrink
Rent a Kidney Machine
It's sure to clean
Out the stuff that makes your breath stink. Not to say drop down dead. What a delightful subject.
Winter's a great time of year
Let's bring out some egg nog and beer!
Put wood on the fire
The flames will grow higher
And higher and higher an— oh dear...
The night when we grilled dear old Santa
We were drunk and exchanging weird banter
When we woke the next morn'
All our faces - forlorn
The only drink left was some Fanta
As an oldie you don't pay much tax
For old fogies the rules they relax
And you get in return
A free funeral urn
As you'll soon Requiescat In Pax Apols for the poor Latin, but my Poetic Licence is valid till the end of the month.
I came a long way from St Louis
And my spoggy* became very chewy *spoggy - noun: (slang) Chewing Gum
So I sang the Blues
Then discovered the news
There's more to spearmint than just gooey
American Football goes thus:
And most Brits it fair doth nonplus (pen) Heavens! You don't - masticate, do you?
A sport played in armour or armor?
With fans all a-clamor I'm sure you could dialect that to "clarmor"
Each "first down" they put up a fuss
His symptoms were carefully noted
And after the viewers had voted
To evict from the house
His flea-ridden mouse
'Een though it was sugar-coated
On a moonlit night down in Bude
I walked on the beach in the nude (oblig.)
walked ran (after seeing the 8-words game)
But the nippy sea air
Made my man-bits despair
But it did make my tits look quite rude. disgraceful
[Rosie] teehee :-)
A young lad from Mablethorpe, Lincs. (Chalky) Fancy a cold shower, m'dear?
Sprayed the whole of his body with Lynx
Though it didn't half sting
It concealed the ming
And attracted a sexy young minx
She would have had a whiff of chips-and-vinegar about her though.
I'm attempting a personal best
So I shall take off my vest
Then I'll ripple my pecs
If no one objects
That my tits are just drawn on my chest
Let's distance ourselves from this sleaze
And study how flowers and bees
Ensure that the species
Can produce ample faeces
Tut, tut, tut... some decorum, please!
With dignified elegant ease - I was going to post this as a last line but irach got there first , so it will have to do as a first line
I charm the birds from the trees
I then break their necks
Cook 'em Tex-Mex
And serve them with French fries and peas
When I began cooking a crow
I heated the coals to a glow
I placed it with care (CdM, S, B) Vicious - brilliant.
'Cos I wanted it rare
I like it like that, cooked just so - Thanks R
I really think I am a maven
Quite expert at sexing a raven
The dif'rence, you see,
Is the way that they pee I had to.
Plus the girls are Brazilian shaven
Trad - There was a young lady from Spain
Who loved to go out in the rain
She'd get soaked to the skin
'Cos her tee-shirt was thin drool....
I do wish she'd do it again If you can't beat 'em, join 'em
A hairy old codger from York
Assaulted a nun with a spork
Her re-tal-i-a-tion
Without hesitation
Was to pray for his balls on a fork
That saucy young widow from Slough
Made a solemn and celibate vow
That she'd ne'er again
Have sex. (Except when
Rancher Eason's bull mounted a cow)
Bring me the head of Alfredo Fantastic stuff on the Film Club page at the moment
Garcia, a Triumph Toledo [Bigs] Forcing ...
Some Kendal Mint Cake
A pack of Snopake®
And a ticket for something by Feydeau.
While skiing one day in Zermatt
I chanced on a leprechaun's pot
I solved the Last Problem of Fermat (Juxt) That doesn't come anywhere near a rhyme. i'm leaving mine in.
But writing quite large in [Rosie] Hmmm. I read Marc's line as While skiing one day in Zermatt (which I think puts the correct stress in the place name), not While skiing one day in Zermatt. I agree you need a pretty strong (perhaps American?) accent to rhyme it with 'pot', though.
So, come to think of it, I'll bifurcate:
But, sadly, inside / But writing quite large in
zermatt, the stressed syllable of which does indeed rhyme nicely with "pot" to a Yank.
A problem I spied/The edge of the margin
Made both my skis freeze on the spaht / Made me think of old Father Dermat

This is, apparently, the correct pronunciation - whatever accent one has :-)
In order to find my religion
I launched my best trained homing pigeon
She returned in a day
To show me the way
To Mecca. She erred by a smidgeon
[M, i, S and CdM] bravo :-)
While cleaning out my old chest freezer
To my horror, I found Julius Caesar
For a chap who was dead
He looked very well-fed
Though his stiffness so cold couldn’t please ‘er
Gather round, for I'll sing you a song!
"The Ballad of Fay and King Kong"
The note, maestro, please
Is the flattest of 'C's
Is the flattest of 'E's
Simons Mith - Could you gimme Big Ben for a bong?

According to my research, Big Ben was actually cast in E.
[Juxt] Hope you don't mind.

In order to sing out of tune
I borrowed a helium balloon
I then took a deep breath
Smoked a big hit of meth
Now I sound like Eccles the Goon
The trouble with playing E Flat [SM] no worries
Is it startles my neighbour's tomcat
When that beast starts to yowl
My dog starts to howl
So I clubbed them both with my bat
The problem with clubbing ones pet
Is rather large bills from the vet
Plus a call from the Plod
And the vengeance of God
And that's why I've not done it, yet
I think we should all have a party
Watson, let's not invite Moriarty
[irach] sorry to interrupt - but does your line scan - like really? Or is it just me that's having difficulty. I'm surprised - because you're usually spot-on in scansionland.
[Chalky] it scans for me: Watson, let's not invite Moriarty.
Mrs Hudson will strip
[Chalky] Sorry to offend. But Phil seems to feel the same way I did on the scansion when penning...er, posting the line.
Brut Champagne we will sip
[Phil, irach] - yesyesyes, I get the stress marks that Phil kindly html-ed - I just don't get the hurried Watson word. No offence taken, or indeed intended. Just curious.
Never realized she was so tarty
In Vienna they bake a nice tart
It's almost refined to an art
Delicious pastry
Seasoned tastily Japanese pronunciation invoked in desperation.
That's sold in the streets from a cart
In order to gain his affection
She covered herself in confection
[Two lims back] I too find it tricky to read limerick lines with two syllables before the first stress... It seems more natural to me to have one, as in dah DAH... as otherwise the first two have to be rushed together. For me. I guess that's why this thrives as a spoken form :)
And now, because I hate breaking up the bold stuff (though not enough not to do it...)
Chalky - In order to gain his affection
blamelewis - She covered herself in confection
With sweet chocolate bits
She covered her tits
Which sweetly caught his attention Tut, tut, Chalky
Surely the last line should be "Which gave him a stonking erection"?....coat!
There once was a gingerbread man
Who attempted to dance the can-can
But sadly the heat [Softers] I hope you're not tut-tutting the fourth line. That isn't me.
Melted both of his feet
So his pants now adorn Notre Dame
My blood-sugar level is low Is Chasty a newbie then? ;)
On a saccharine binge I must go
Which won't help at all Why is everyone shouting their name?
As it's sugar's f-all
Let's 'ave Anisette de Bordeaux...
There was a young man from Korea Can everyone hear me?
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