mc5 - Pea and Honey Recipes

We're stopping at the "Crescent"

Let's all get out and look

This station looks quite pleasant

Aye, fancy, in't it, chuck?

A smart and well-kept station

Is wond'rous to behold

It fills me with elation

And makes me brave and bold.

I wish I worked for TfL

They're full of japes and stunts

When storms blow leaves across the lines

I think "Those useless people."

I wish I didn't have thith lithp

'Cos really I'm dead hard

I'll thmack the thod what takth the pith

Or callth me a wetard ...and fair enough...

I'd like to spend my life at sea

A-seeking grog and plunder

And have a girl in every port

Who's willing to go under Yeah, mine's hanging in the hall, thanks.

I wish I'd been a Chippendale

In lycra posing thong

However, I am but a weed

And won't reveal my dong

I wish I were a checkout clerk

With barcode-reader thing

I'd wear my name-badge upside-down [Soft/Raak/Rosie/blame] Genuinely laughed out loud.

Of Tesco I am King.

Outside the supermarket

Beside the bottle bank

I'll take myself in hand right now

There's only me to thank aha!

It doesn't take a lot to find - [pen] tee hee

You've nothing in your purse [pen] :0)

So stick it on the credit card [pen] thank you

And let the debt get worse aka Patience Strong.. Would someone give me a break from moralising last lines please?!

I count my money every day

It takes me all the morning

Whoever said that crime don't pay?

They've not read the safety warning to put this one to bed

I like to dress in orange garb

and paint my buttocks blue

Then storm the pitch at Boundary Park

And entertain the few.

I smeared my shins with marmalade

Said Paddington one day.

Mr Gruber frowned and shook his head

"Sticky little bears can't play." ...there.

I wish I could be somewhere else

And even then, not there

Where'er it is I seem to go

I'd rather be elsewhere.

I've just come back from nowhere

Or Redditch, as it's called

Up there they talk quite funny

As they think "called" rhymes with "carpet". Eh?

I wish I had a time machine

Like that I once had soon

This time I'll read the user guide

No matter how jejune

I wish I were a molecule (Phil) V good!

Of purest anthracite [Rosie] I used to have a chemistry teacher who pronounced it "mow-lay-queue-all",

I'd rule a landscape miniscule

With my atoms all packed tight

nights

If I had much more money

I'd buy myself some friends

I'd bask in sycophantic praise

In my Mercedes-Benz

April makes me happy

September makes me sad

April is quite crappy [Rosie] Ta! [Quendalon] Minuscule is the correct, if widely unknown, spelling

But September is rad! bipolar? [Phil] Even I've fallen for that one... classic Graeme Garden new definition for it though =)

I wish I was the Taj Mahal

All marble pure and white

Best Asian grub in Colliers Wood

It hits the spot just right [Phil] You are correct! I'm so embarrassed. I feel small -- nay, minuscule. :-)

I wish to find Nirvana

Or any sort of grunge

Maybe AC/DC

Or Napalm Black Death Gunge.

I'm off to visit Shangri-La

And learn the secret truth

Of jet lag, crap food, cancelled flights

LHR T5 forsooth!

I've been around the world again

But when I got back home

My bags were still in Cairo

My underwear in Rome

I'm glad I'm not a terminal

With baggage all astray

And I'm glad I'm not an airline

In terminal disarray

I wish I was a marmoset

In marmalade or jam

'Cos I am a real sweet tooth

Don't like green eggs and ham.

I wish I had some oobleck

To spread upon my toast

To eat with my Green Eggs and Ham

While I'm reading next door's post

The Cat with the Line

I wish I manned a tower crane

Armed with a wrecking ball

I'd be every building's bane

In Telford, first of all. Pandering to popular taste, though Swindon, Basingstoke and Crawley would have done.

A nuclear bomb and Bracknell

Go like toast and jam

This should be known more widely (SM) I used to work there (Met Office) 1964-66. A soulless dump even then.

So I'll set up Auto Spam - which gets rid of that one - phew

I have a proposition

To end this sentence with

That's such a supposition
From mister Simons Mith Oblig.

I wish I were a lumberjack

Hanging round a bar

I'd wear long frilly dresses

Just like my dear mama - oblig.

A fact that few consider

Regarding soccer moms

Is that their little poppets

To matches carry bombs

Rule one is that Thou Shall Wear Socks

Rule two is to not catch the Pox

Ah, this is a limerick, yes?

Scansion Gestapo

Nein.

I wish that I were hosiery

Wrapped 'round a woman's thighs

Instead (here's full disclosury)

I just dreams and sighs

I wish I were a proper noun
And not a proper twit

I wouldn't mislead my online friends

By pretending I'm a wit

I wish I were a raspberry [Softers] Precisely the line I nearly put in yesterday!

Blown in your direction

Then I would really signify

Contempt for your complexion

Spare the rod and spoil the child

So whack him with a kipper

The little sod has run quite wild

Who'd ever have a nipper?

I wish I were a bumblebee

I'd bumble hither-thither

Up to the point when you might say - go on - swear out loud. You know you want to.

Fuck it, then. Why dither? (Chalks) Oh, I do, but actual invitations are scarce.

I wish I was a potted plant

A fern or aspidistra

I'd live in conservatory

De-dum te-tum de-dah -life's too short to faff around with impossible rhymes and nonsensical third lines :-)

I wish I had more patience

With Software's last third line

I wish I'd thought before I wrote My fault - I must have had a brain fart

Contrition, thus, is mine. (pen) Which orifice is involved in these eruptions?

I wish I owned a parrot

I wish I owned a parrot [pen] confession is good for the soul ;o) + More brain farting!

Oh I wish I owned a parrot

But I don't.

I've thought a lot about this line

Perhaps I've over-thought

But when I think about my thoughts

I get really overwrought

I wish I were a beer mat

For real ale not for lager

Anything that I soaked up

Would serve to end this saga (mercy killing)

I wish I were a Riesling

Or maybe a Gewurz

Instead I'm just a pale Soave

Life's so unfair, it hurts

I wish I was a mezcal worm

Condensing boozy vapours

In stasis there I would remain

A source of mental capers

I would I were a pint of ale

As clear as amber dew

I'd sit upon my beermat

Anticipating you

As swift as Summer Lightning

Your cooking passed through me

The thunder rumbles on, though

As does the smell of brie

I wish I were an antelope

An ungulate or deer

I'd skip across the grassy plains Do I sound like a lumberjack? Hello, Darren. Where have you been, then?

And wonder why I'm here

I like to play upon my oud

Or my didgeridoo

But as for my soprano sax

it always leaves me blue

I wish I were a tangerine

I really don't know why

They say I'm prone to whimsy

My head floats in the sky

I wish I were a dicky-bird

A-sitting on the fence

I'd then uncover what occurred

If I were not so dense

To wait and watch and listen

While drinking whisky sours

Is, I think, a great fun way

To while away these hours

To fart and belch and chunder

Is what every Aussie loves

So is it any wonder

They don't quite sound like doves. v few rhymes

I wish I was the Ace of Spades

So black and curved, yet pointed

We aces all are renegades

When trumped we're disappointed.

I wish I were a saxophone

All levers, pads and keys

I'd be blown and fondled

Is no-one going to finish this bugger? It's not that difficult, surely, and it has stood here for 4 days.

Right between the knees

For hours I stood and waited

For any sign of you

I sighed and contemplated

Stalking someone new.

I wish I were a chainsaw (Quen) That's the 'cello, surely. :-)

I'd really get a buzz

From taking part in massacres

And perplexing Texas fuzz

I wish I were a plank of wood

With no termites around

By carpenters I would be nailed

By creosote be browned.

I booked a flight to Katmandu - Last three - neat :-)

It seemed a good idea

I then went on to Timbuktu

Tomorrow, Llwynypia. It rhymes, it scans. Look it up. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!

I traveled to the Isle of Man

(The third leg of my trip)

I spent three days in fun Milan

Some tw*t put me in knip - I dunno - I'd barely uttered the word scaloppini... and there he was, brandishing his Mario Batali Oil Drizzler ...

Begone, vile knippieri! (Phil) V good

You've blighted my whole game [irach] Very nice Texas line above, especially the internal "x" repeat

(My mother said: Be wary

If Maelberg's and Beck's are the same)

This isn't quite a poem

Although it rhymes and scans

The words just come a flowin'

And look best in Gill Sans.

I wish I were a sonnet

That perched upon a tree

But then would someone read me?

irach`

Yes, arborists certainly

O! if I were a petal

And you a honeybee

I'd love your sweet antenna tickle

As you crawl over me

All things that squirm and wriggle

Are a delight to me

Ooh, how I love those maggots

How they enhance a brie!

I wish I were a paper bag [Rosie] Deft!

For airsickness on a plane

I'd catch all those nasty bits

Your loss - recycling's gain. (Tuj) Cheers.

To loop the loop is my delight

All on a springtime morn - [Rosers] neat finishing on last two

When up is down and down is up

Invertedly airborne

It started in the treehouse

It continued in the shed

It traumatised my wee mouse

Which came into my bed.

I wish I were a critic

Of literary works

I just love lambasting authors

Solipsistic berks!

I swung my axe with gusto

I chopped something in half

I put the vid on YouTube

Please add an epitaph.

Three cheers for "last line" Rosie
He's really on a roll

No matter what our prose be,

With Rosie, it's not droll

I really am most flattered . . . no last line this time . . .

And so you should be, chum!

Because you have a way with words

Stand up to roll of drum!

In spite of all the plaudits

Pride's a Deadly Sin

Some rank it first of seven

Simon Mith

But I think Sloth should win

[Simons] I was going to post that line. But then I couldn't be bothered.

I wish I were a sinner

Evil of intent

I'd take my cues from Lucifer

On chaos I'm hell-bent!

A-sitting cross-legged on a cloud

Reciting a Lim'rick out loud [SM] Are you in the right room?

With my head lowly bowed go with the flow

(I've no right to be proud)

I wonder if this is allowed

I'm glad I'm back to normal

Whatever 'normal' is

It's less than semi-formal

Just not quite the biz

I'm glad I've regained consciousness

I thought I'd be dead forever

But how shall I escape this box?

That's my next endeavour.

I'm taking half of your estate

I think it's rightly mine

Since I am your conjoined twin

Sign on the dotted line

As I awoke this morning

My little dream was scotched

I knew I'd made a boo-boo

'Cause my tartan sheets were blotched - I'll get my jacket then ..

I wish I were a referee

'Cause I look good in black

And what's more I'm a bastard

And common sense I lack

[Rosie] I remember once seeing some "humorous" foreign language translations in preparation for a big football tournament - Italia 90 World Cup maybe. The one I always recall is "Bastardo" = Referee. Still makes me chuckle.

I wish i was caddis fly

Skimming o'er the water (Bigsmith) The thing is "Bastardo" is actually an Italian town and surname.

I'd keep and eye out for the trout

And the salmon's hungry daughter

I wish I were a paperclip

I'd straddle many pages

And though I am dispensable

I pay my maker's wages

I wish I was a stocking top I have a precise idea where this one might go, but I wonder if anyone else gets it?

Encircling a fine leg [pen] This may be off your female beam, given my gender

Mmm, cricketers in lingerie

In mid-slip, for which I beg

It really wasn't cricket

But more like table tennis

My stocking tops went off the boil

as Nancy said to Svennis It's the tatty denim jacket...

A Viking who ate much salt cod

[irach] is your mind really on this?
let's try a revamp:

I wish I'd been a Viking

Intent on rape and pliiage

Because I have a liking (Assuming it's 'pillage' not 'pliiage') please, go ahead...

To escape this tiny village.

I'd love to be a warrior

I'd warry and I'd warry

But dressed in all this armour

I'd not get quizzed by MORI. Non sequiturs - c'est moi.

"Morituri te salutant"

Was once to Caesar said

So then he went and conquered

Who said that Latin's dead?

Sorry if you all know this one, but, back in the mid-seventies two years' study of Latin was still compulsory at my school. Handwritten in the front of my (very old and much used) textbook was this wonderful little ditty: "Latin is a language, As dead as dead can be, First it killed the Romans, And now it's killing me...."

I wish I'd been a Roman Last one v good

And lived the Roman ways

I'd doff my toga in the baths

With all the other straight people moving right along...

Latin is a language

With endings and declensions

It's quite the grammar sandwich

With classical pretensions

How fond I am of Kipling

Of Kim and Gunga Din

Of verandah-settled tippling

Small tonic, lots of gin.

I wish I'd lived in days of Raj

With my hookah and my bhisti

A most impressive entourage

Quite unlike E L Wisty.

I want to turn the decades back

And have my time again

Well, maybe not the early days

'cause teething was a pain

I wish I could remember

Why I came upstairs

But I'm sure that it will come to me

Perhaps I'm hiding from the Blairs?
a merciful end...

I wish I was a dentist's drill

A-grinding at your teeth

I'd snigger as I hit a nerve

And the touchy stuff beneath. (Softers) You BASTARD :-)

I wish I was an albatross

A soaring o'er the briny

I'd check out female Albatrii I know...

E'en though my willy's tiny. (Botherer) That's all right then. :-)

I wish I were an eagle

Perched on my cliffside aerie

Bunny rabbits, watch your back

I feel a little queerie

I would I were a hummingbird

Sipping nectar dawn to dusk

I'd beat my wings so very fast

I'd not have time to busk There, that's that then

I wish I were Geordie (Softers) Well done. I found that one impossible.

I'd call everybody man

I'd preface statements with "Why aye"

And shirtless try to tan (Rosie) busk and musk were the only words I could think of so was hinting at working up a sweat...

I'd love to sip some Earl Grey tea

With rusk and homemAde scones

I'd feel so very dignified

Talking in snobbish tones that's how I pronounces it

I wish I were a white van man

Foot hard on the floor

I'd rob the middle classes blind

And undercharge the poor Poetic licence invoked

I wish I was the Moomintroll

But why I just don't know

Perhaps it is the Snork Maiden

Her norks are rather droll

I paint my feet with mayonnaise

And stand on Regent Street

But only on those sunny days

When rats deserve a treat

In Noorvik lives a noble moose

The monarch of the tundra

He grazes lichen all the day

PLA (Poetic Licensing Authority)

And fresh leaves by the hundre(d)

That's a point on your poetic license, Mr Raak. We'll be watching you.

The oboe is a woodwind

And has a double reed

The clarinet has only one

Which quite fulfils it's need

Oh, please, lend 'us a tenner

I'm short of a few bob [Kim] scan a bit sus, there, mate :o)

A fiver simply will not do

'Cos I'm a boozy slob.

[Softers] Oh, please, lend 'us a tenner - 's wrong wi' that?

[Kim] Sounds a bit limerickish to me.

Anyway:
I wish I were a bookie

I'd make more dough than bakers

So get my share of nooky

With the movers and the shakers

I have a niece called Sunny

By name and nature too

She wants to join the Moonies now

The silly little moo

Curses! Simulposted and with a very similar line.

I like my Brie all runny

Disgusting though it looks

As long as it's not furry

Then I'd throw it at the rooks

Irach

I wish I was a Bo Peep sheep

All lost and undiscovered

But my mistress for me would go seek

She really would be bovvered

I wish I were a conker

And be the conkering hero

But 'gainst the oven-hardened champ

My chances approach zero

I wish I were a-sunbathing

A-naked on my porch

Scandalising passers-by

Who giggle while I scorch

I wish I were the gas-man

I'd cut off your supply

And that would be a gas, man

Néa

Because I'd make you cry.

Step on the gas man!

I'm flying down to Rio

Sugarloaf Mountain beckons

My jouney is con brio

Or so the Missus reckons...

I wish I were a real cool cat

And stunningly good-looking

Dick Whittington would disown his

And I would get his booking

I wish I were a High Court judge

Doling justice from the bench

I wish they'd bring back hanging

That'd make the buggers blench!

I wish that Keira Knightley's toes

Were hairy, just like mine

Instead they're varnished in bright hues

But I only counted nine

I wish I were an athlete

With awesome washboard abs

Enhanced by ev'ry drug there is

Including androgenic mAbs (monoclonal antibodies, that is...)

I wish I was in Heckmondwyke

I tire of Cleckheaton

My head is all messed up and like

A carpet, beaten. In another life I used to deal with a computer company based in Heckmondwyke

I wish my elephant would tread

A little more discretely

But when I tell him, "Whoa, Fred!"

He loses it completely.

My love is like a red, red rose

That's been decapitated

By someone who sadly knows

Bugger, something fouled up - it should read:

How much its overrated

What the f...

I wish that I could turn back

And not screw up this time

Were there but a BUTTON I could press

I could go back and have a second attempt at making this line scan as well as rhyme

I wish I were a satnav

That told you where to go

Then I would tell you to sod off

Sounding like Seb Coe onwards...

I wish I was a dwarf star

In a fairground freaky show

I'd shave the bearded lady

Which part you'll never know.

FGZstar

I wish i was a Punk Rocker

With acne, grease and bile

My ears all full of safety pins,

My vocabulary vile

I wish I were an aerial

A Yagi not a dish

Grabbing waves ethereal Why has this sat here for a week? It's not difficult.

Is that too much to wish?

I'm glad I'm not a poofter

Or a drag queen with a pouf

And though I'm homophobic

I like a bit of rouf.

A ladder in my stockings

A stairway to your dreams?

Held up by suspenders

And other fiendish schemes.

I wish that colonoscopies

Were broadcast on the telly

Just the place for yet more crap

To turn our brains to jelly

[i,p,R,S] V. Good

Projoy

I wish I'd done some thinking

Before I chose to speak

So now my foot is in my mouth

RAAK

It's been there all the week.

I wish I was an alpaca

Instead of being a llama

But then again a camel

Is one to cause a drama

I wish I were a farmer

With fields all bare and ploughed

I'd grow my hops and barley

No trespassers allowed

Alas, the fields are flooded

So let us all grow rice

Now, now, please don't have a paddy

Paddy leeches aren't nice

I wish I were a boxer

Rather than a scotty

Or even a dalmatian in a desperate bid to get this moving again

Costing fifty zloty. Crap, but it'll do. (CdM) Well done. No-one's fault really.

[Rosie] I was expecting "dotty" :-)

I wish I had the foresight

To know what banks to short

Then I'd make a killing [Rosie] I thought that I'd primed it for the last line to be something like "Cos my nose is snotty" but there you go ...

If I'd sold what I bought sorry for the doublepost, but it just seemed right

I wish I was a chimpanzee

Tossing off with vigour

I'd stare at you from in my cage

Robin

(For chimps that's so de rigueur)

I do so wish I could speak French

The language of romance

Much better than the Double Dutch

"Take off der pants, der pants!"

O! Would I were a poet!

nights

My verse, it would astound

And what it lacked in scan and rhyme

I'd make up with sheer sound.

I wish I were a sculptor

Wrestling with wet clay

Trying to create beauty

In a Venus de Milo way

I wish I was a frisbee

Spinning through the air

I'd land in someone's picnic

With buoyant savoir faire

I like my steak done meejum rare

Blood-stained, not dripping red

Served up with crispy onion rings

And crusty, warm French bread *rumbles*

I wish I were a salmon [Pen] Nicely topped and tailed

Swimming to my spawning ground

And though I'm going 'gainst the flow

My methodology is sound I wonder why some "stick"?

I wish I were a stick insect [Software] I think it has to do with the movement of the stick market

Just like Peter Crouch

I'd stick one in the Kazakh's goal

I really am no slouch

I wish I were a Two-toe'd Sloth

I just hate having five

I'd spend each day just hanging on

To prove that I'm alive.

When I switched on my telly

The news was far from good

I've lost a lot of money

So let's play Robin Hood.

When I switched on the wireless

To hear Evan Davis drawl

I sat and quietly panicked

It made my skin just crawl

I wish I were an ingot

Locked up in Fort Knox

Safely away from mayhem

In Uncle Sam's steel box

It's not the way I planned it

It's not like it should be

Alas, it's all gone pear-shaped

But it suits me to a tee

I wish I was a chimney sweep

Just like Dick Van Dyke

I'd stick my brush right up your flue

And shake it, if you like. My coat? How kind......

I wish I were Italian

Ruthlessness plus charm

I'd cruise Roma on Lambrettas

A compare on my arm Compare n. crony, close pal, buddy. Literally, "godfather" in Italian.

I wish I were a compère Compère n. master of ceremonies. From old French, meaning "godfather".

Oozing wit and charm

I'd denigrate the other acts

And call Queen Lizzie "Marm"

I wish I were a Comice Pear

A female shape for sure

Narrow here and wider there

Luscious, juicy, phwooar! Er, sorry. Saw a copy of The Sun in the Co-op.

I wish that baleen whales had teeth

(irach) Have you started a limerick?

(Rosie) No. It's exactly the same format as earlier one in syllables and scan...)

And roamed upon the land

But wouldn't want to stand beneath

As they walk down the Strand

[i,R,p,S] Lovely. Qualities of Lewis Carrol about it.

I wish I were a vendor

Of pies and potted meat

And with the cash you tender

My bookie I would meet

I wish I knew exactly

How I would react

But I am so uncertain

So that wish I'll retract

I wish I were a bishop

With mitre, cope, and crook

I'd stand out on a chessboard

From queen and knight and rook

I wish I were the President

I'd set the whole world right

From my perspective, obviously,

I'd be neck-deep in the shite

I wish I were a cheeseboard

That smelt like gorgonzola

An aroma sooo Italian

Like Monza and Imola Har har

I wish I was in Magny Cours

In a Citron set to go

My lemon-powered vehicle

More juiced than a Poiregeot

I drive a Massey Ferguson

A farmer's boy I am

It is a strange attractor

To every little lamb

I wish I were a tube of glue

I would be stuck on you

In fact I am quite super

and sticking's what I do

I wish I had a bus pass

Alas, I'm far too young Hur, hur, hur...

But never mind, I can wait

Until I am well-hung Yes, coat please....

These days there's no denying

That we eat far too much Still haven't finished me birfdy choccies.

So let's all check our diets

With low-fat meals and such

I wish I could be Santa

If only for a day

Let's say the 25th of June

Or else the 4th of May

Genius...

I wish I could write poems

Of elegance and style

That touched the reader's very soul

And left them with a smile.

I must not be unwary

Of opportunitee

So when the chance arises

I grab it all for MEE!

I wish I were a hosepipe

Connected to a tap

Instead I'm just a drainpipe

I'm really rather crap

I think my phone is dying

Its number has come up

I'm ringing for a doctor

But he can't think of a suitable rhyme for 'up'. Mercy killing

I really wish that Camembert

Did not smell quite so strong

I'd like to gobble down a pound

Despite the awful pong. oblig.

I wish that influenza ack ack

With whisky could be cured [Pen] Get well soon.

But this, I fear, is fanciful

But drink it if your bored. Get well soon, pen.

I wish that pen feels better

Than pencil in my hand What?!?

Abhor all things hexagonal

We live in circle land

I wish I were a hedgehog

Scuttling 'cross the road

I'd swerve between the traffic

Till permanently slowed

I wish I was a kerb stone

I just love to be stepped on

And scraped by fancy wheel-rims

And occasionally slept on

I wish I were a conductor (CdM) Nice one.

Feeding voltage to a train

Trundling up the District Line

My job's a shocking pain

I wish I were a Christmas card [pen] I was half expecting the rather more prosaic "and trundling down again."

Sold for charitee

For orphans or for UNICEF

With love for you from mee

I wish I was a Dundee cake

A-fill with fruitiness

Scoffed in no time - yum yum yum

Then thrown up - what a mess

Each day I feed my pussy cat

It grows a little fatter

And when I think it's grown enough

I'll fry it in some batter

I wish I were a lighthouse (Darren) You BASTARD!. Welcome back, BTW.

Standing firmly on a rock

So everyone who saw me [Rosie] Thanks!

Could sail in and safely dock

It seems the harbour's frozen up

And though it looks quite nice. easyfeeds r us

I think there'll be some fun and games

if someone has the dice

I wish I were a slithy tove

A-gimbling in the wabe

I'd stick one to a borogove

Then frabjously outgrabe

I wish I were on the Ning Nang Nong

Where the teapots jibber joo

My flannel's got a funny pong
Was that from washing you?

I wish I were a domino

Then all these spots I've got

Would mean more than just acne

They'd be right on the dot

My life is like a pack of cards

And fate is playing poker

I've only got a pair of eights

And Mr Soot the Stoker

I wish I were a roulette wheel

I'd take you for a spin

And if you said "Rien ne va plus!"

I'd still ask for your PIN.

And now alas, I'm stony broke

I've frittered all my cash

On booze and birds and lines of coke

Hidden text

Rude alternative:-On booze and birds I didn't poke.

Pablo -

You pay the bill - must dash!

I wish that Amy Winehouse would

Put on a paper bag

She really is an ugly, skinny,

Tone deaf, pissed up hag.

Findus fish fingers are no more Some spiffing ones in the last week, well done!

The Firm's be frozen out; iCPB - excellent

Captain Birds Eye rules the roost

Such gastronomic clout.

I wish my unicycle had

An extra wheel or two

Fogey

For I'd prefer to bi- or tri-

-cycle along with you.

To drive an eighteen wheeler

Needs a beefy set of pecs

Unless there's power steering

Or warp drive (like Star Trek's)

I wish I were made of perspex

I just love acrylic glass

Every part of me'd be see-through

But not my clothes, alas.

I've just received a box of cheese

Tilsit and Bel Paese

My cheesy habit they will foster
Replacing Brie and Double Gloucester Don't get me started on cheese...

I wish the folks of Limpopo

Would choose a better name

And Peneloopij's scansion

Is OK. What a dame!

I wish I were a hedgehog

Curled up into a ball

A compact spiky little sphere

Impeneteraball. ....apologies....

I wish I were elastic

Your highly flexing friend

Our friendship is fantastic

But plastic in the end

[K, S, p (me), J] That one is exciting and sad at the same time.

I wish I were a Velcro strip

I'd stick where I'm not wanted

And when you ripped my sides apart

I'd be non-orthodonted. ....difficult....

I swim beside my manatee

She's such a gentle soul

Without a trace of vanity

We queue up for the dole

I wish I were a High Court Judge

I like to dress in wigs

With toupée tape they shouldn't budge

On my Old Bailey gigs

I wish I were a magistrate Continuing the legal theme

Sitting on the Bench

Dispensing justice all day long BTW; we had magistrate twice before

To every wanton wench

At last I've found my one true love

I found her in a cave

She dropped upon me from above

… It's been a splendid rave!

I wish I were a botanist

Researching Cannabis

I'd take samples home with me

Finisher

And hallucinate in bliss

I wish I were the very last

On which my shoes were made

A boot I'd seek, a sole-searching soul

One that could be laid. coat!

I wish I wasn't left-hand-drive gah, I'm struggling with it - and often set off on the wrong side of the road, despite a new easy-to-drive car and a helpful sticker on the windscreen.

It's clearly just now right;

now = not :o(

I can't change gear with my right hand

Not since I had the fight moicy

For fifty miles I chased the Stig

In my Cooper S

But just as he was in my sights

I span off - what a mess.

They once put Clarkson in a tank

Of boiling caustic soda ...dream on...

But the b*stard's really so thick skinned

We wait to write his coda

I wish an anaconda could

Wear a feather boa

On the catwalk it would slither

Fogey

With aplomb but ever slower

The mamba is a placid soul

(Invoking the Nash convention. Ogden Nash, that is.)

Whose gentle toxic bite

Will send you into ga-ga land

See one and take fright.

I wish I were in Kathmandu

Chug-a-lugging Gorkha beer

Climb a mountain? - no can do

I think I'll stay right here

When I once rode through Peckham

As a Spice Girls groupie

I thought that David Beckham

Was local slang for loopy.

I wish I were a pelican

A crossing's what I'd be

Not Zebra or pedestrian

Or Julia Roberts' brief for me

My y-fronts are the stretchy ones

Because I'm big down there

My feet are almost size eighteen Chalky - back on form, missus?!!

But them - my wife don't care

The hippo favours boxer shorts

So warm savannah breezes (unfinished sentence alert)

May aerate sundry nether parts

Which cures all known diseases.

The alligator's cheerful grin

Belies its fearsome chomp

Therefore, don't put fingers in

Unless that is your wont Making the best of irach's challenging rhyme

I wish I could have easy rhymes [Software]...how about "swamp...or stomp... or romp... or pomp"?

Like "me", "my", or "nasturtium"

And not have "alcohol" or "Thirsk"

Or Moses' firstborn, Gershom.

(Raak) .....who played in goal for Walton and Hersham. Good on crosses.

[irach] tried them, couldn't make 'em work

I love a well-constructed ark

And animals in pairs

With several decks to spread the load

And on the top, deckchairs.

Hidden text

And underneath, a line.

I wish I were a blowlamp

I love the smell of burning paint

My blow job will impress you

And leave you feeling faint

Such fun to be a hippo!

And wallow in the mud!

The best thing about wallowing:

It's not something I should.

I wish for not a single thing

I'm rich and have it all

The cash, the cars, the yacht, the bling

Yes, I'm a Barbie doll!

My orca thinks a goldfish bowl

Is comfy, warm and snug

This bowl, of course, is very large

I cross it in a tug

I wish I'd been King Henry Eight

And ruled o'er all the land

My carnal appetite I'd sate

On Kates and Annes at hand

I wish I was a rolling stone

That could gather up Kate Moss

I'd be a model rock star

And use her just to floss

When a stone has finished rolling

It'll be o'er the hill

And all the moss it's gathered

Will be there still.

I wish the Pussycat and Owl

Would cease their constant rowing

They've got an outboard motor now

And really should get going

I had a little problem (i,K,SM,p - bravo)

Nothing would it ease

I had lots of honey

But still I lost my peas how satisfying

I had a little brainwave

'Twas no brain tsunami

The idea just came into my head

To join the Belgian army

I haven't got an earthly chance

Of shagging Hazel Blears

The thought of that just makes me weep

With joyful, happy tears

I wish a Snark (Boojum, or not)

Was not so hard to catch

So maybe I'll just not bother

As I think I've met my match

Lonely Grinch Would Like To Meet

A Who like Cindy Lou

For friendship, fun and maybe more

But anything will do

[Software] Excellent finish

En route from Clapham Junction

To Sunningdale, via Staines

A bloody signal failure

Oh, damn these BritRail trains!

I wish I were a satnav (irach) BR (British Rail) is no more. Privatised in 1994. Don't get me going. :-)

I'd tell you where to go

ImNotJohn

Turn left along this footpath

And then get out and row.

I wish I had a second home

Be it igloo or a yurt [Rosie]Forgive me my trespass. But then what do us Yanks know of things British such as bowlers, stumps and fish and chips, or haggises and kings? Maybe Brit Rail got privatised just because of those bloody signal failures pre-dating 1994 ;)

I'd furnish it from MFI (irach) Yep, private firms make lots of money installing dodgy signals and other private firms make equally large amounts repairing them. Sole purpose of the exercise.

And carpet it with dirt

Dorothy Parker -

I wish I could drink like a lady
I can take one or two at the most
Three and I'm under the table
Four and I'm under the host

I wish I were a spittoon

In which men expectorate

Though now, upon reflection

I should learn to delegate.

I wish Alfredo Garcia's head

Was brought today to me

On second thoughts instead

Invite him round for tea

I wish I were a biscuit

Dunked in a cuppa tea

I'd go from crisp to soggy

Before you count to three

I wish I were a talent scout

With power to recommend

For then you'd let me scout you out

To star in the West End

I stand at the end of the pier

Whoops, I may have limericked by mistake. Sorry.

[SM] Can be remedied....I wish I stood at pier's end

Playing the slot machines Fits either

I'd surely win the jackpot

And stuff it in my jeans

Whisht! I hear a whirring

The clock's about to chime

It's measure is unerring

Big Ben meets the test of time

Shall we have another?

The evening is young

Itsh jusht my fourth martini

And my wife has not yet rung

I wish I were a cactus

Then prickly I would be

I think a xerophytic life

Is just the life for me.

As I sit here slowly melting

Like a warming slab of butter

I long for rainstorms pelting

I'll go lie out in the gutter

I wish I had a magic lamp

The kind that I could rub

I'd conjure up a genie

or a lovely plate of grub

At last the clouds have shed their load

ImNotJohn

And all beneath is dripping.

How good it is to be a toad

Through puddles gently skipping

I wish I were a spin doctor

I'd fix your gyroscope

And with my centripetal force

It would then work, I'd hope

I wish I were pigeon

For even when I roam

I'd always find my way back to

The place that I call home. That would do very well spread over four illustrated pages in a book for small children.

[Raak] I'm onto it.

I wish my cluttered home-sweet-home

Could be defraged like a disk

I'd contemplate space, light, and air

But this involves some risk.

I work as an inspector

My beady eye sees all

If just one hair is out of place

I'll snood you- one and all

I wish I were a bishop

Complete with bishopric

I'd show it off to all the crowds

Even though I look a pr*ck

My plan has just revealed its flaw

Thwarting vic-tor-ee

It seems there is no winning move

Or derring-do by me

The winter wind is howling

On this summer's day

So much for Global Warming oblig.

It's gone the other way If only to move on...

I wish I were penelope

Squelching through the polder

Alas I think I'm Tuj or Raak This is just weird

E'en Rosie would be bolder

I wish I were a pirate They're so bold...

With eyepatch and a stump