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Pea and Honey Recipes
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I Eat My Peas With Honey
And tales of derring-do.
Four lines, they can be rhyming
(That's Glow Worms to me and you).
Ending line is as usual.
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Being most conservative. G & S invoked.
I wish I were a minstrel
Then I would stroll and sing
Alas, most would ignore me
But for me the art's the thing.
I wish I were an android
All gleaming chrome and steel
But I would need an oil can
Or else I'd clank and squeal.
My pea and honey recipes
Contain no MSG
They're simply peas and honey
That's good enough for me!
I wish I were immortal
So I could never die
I'd never be in history books
But noone would wonder why
I wish that I were Peter Noone
Of Herman's Hermits fame
I'd sing lots of cheesy songs
And mispronounce my name
I wish I were a document
Ornately sealed with wax
But being waxed will cause a prob;
I'll melt inside the fax
Magritte, Matisse and Monet
Stole young models away from Manet
*ahem* Limerick alert, young [Irach]. Allow me.
Magritte, Matisse and Monet
The impressionists from France
Stole young models away from Manet
And painted them in pants
I wish I were an oil can (pen) Well done. Didn't know tha came from t'North, though. :-)
[Rosie] Aye. I still have northern vowels but can almost pass (not parse) myself off as a southerner these days, dontcha know :o)
To stop your squeaky bearing
For you are but a metal man
It's just your Gay Pride earing
I wish I was a Popemobile
Then all Pontifs I would carry
To part the crowds, like Dead Sea swells
And drive blokes who can't marry
I wish I was a painter's brush
Dipped in cobalt blue
I'd apply a background wash
With strokes full bold and true
I wish I were a haystack
With needles all concealed
So if lovers in me tumbled
They'd quickly be revealed.
I wish I had no tonsils
'Cos right now they are sore
They don't do any good, I'm told
I don't need them anymore.
This useless old appendix
Has reached its use-by date
I think that I should trade it in
Before I am too late
I'm tired of eating doughnuts
They go straight to my waste
Enhancing life's one pleasure
Spelling klaxon sounds! Waist not waste, sorry all
There's no account for taste
I'm tired of skinny dipping
It's given me a chill
And all that clothing ripping
Hardly give the girls a thrill
If I were a transistor (Tuj) No problem. I took it as an intentional pun, enabling me to be lavatorial, which is good.
Inside a radio
I'd semiconduct day and night
Forever on the go
I wish I had an aubergine
(Whatever that might be)
Made out of purple plasticene
It's an egg fruit, don't you see.
I wish that Ninja turtles
Were still the height of cool
With shouts of "Cowabunga!" [Software] I always thought an aubergine was a French B&B
From kids going home from school. (Kim) It is, but ladies only.
I wish I were a bowling ball
Heavy, round and black
I'd ram 'em puny bowling pins
Momentum I don't lack. Or is it kinetic energy?
I wish I were a firework
Bright-coloured in the dark
I'd shoot up high into the sky
And try to hit a lark
I wish there was a galaxy
Or, failing that, a Snickers
Which we once called a Marathon
Both as ice cream now for lickers
I wish I were a puppet
I'd come with strings attached
Unless I were the muppet type
With Piggy I'd be matched
I wish I drove a big red bus
A mighty double-decker
I'd pass by every bus stop
To rile each waiting fecker
I wish I had an ASBO Penelope, really, my dear.
Then I would have street cred
I'd go up to a copper
And bash him on the head.
I wish I was Madonna's bra
A right tit though I'd feel Too easy
I'd maximize her cleevage
And her nipples I'd reveal
I wish I could speak Polish
To pronounce "Zbigniew" right
And to also tell my plumber
To polish my pipes bright
I vow to thee my country
(Whichever that may be)
To always pay my taxes
And show you my ID.
I'd like to keep this game alive
I find it rather sweet
So here's another little line
To accomplish this feat
What am I?
I live inside a drainpipe
I'm slimy, cold and green
Some people, though, will kiss me
Turned King I'll make them Queen
The answer to your riddle
Would make a tasty sarnie
Lightly fried with garlic
And eaten by Reg Varney
I wish I were a trucker
Speeding down to Dover
I'd wave two fingers at the cops
And they would pull me over
I wish I were a little mouse
I'd frighten dear old ladies
I'd chase them breathless round the house
In my MatchboxTM Mercedes [Rosie] Tough rhyme
I wish I had my own front teeth [Kim] Elegantly finished
These dentures are the pits
But implants cost a fortune and don't I know it :o(
As do implants of tits....coat?
I wish I were a sorcerer
Possessed of magic arts
I'd cast a spell on Tony Blair
To make him produce farts...coat!!!!... and hat this time around
I wish I were aattery
BUGGER!
I wish I were a battery
With nine volts and square shape
Much better than those triple As
A better shape to tape Bugger of a rhyme to make any kind of sense, Darren
I wish a were an artety
see Rosie's previous response to typo--
I wish I were an artery
Blown up like a balloon
I'd star in my own angiogram
Excision none too soon.
I LOVE the Aneurysm one... more surgical glow worms coming up...
I wish I was a hernia
That's strangulated tight (BTW, has anyone else recently had a form letter from their doctor suggeting an ultrasound scan to detect abdominal aortic aneurysms? Seems to be in fashion right now.)
I'd then be tucked in cosy truss
To let through all the shite. Taxi for Mr Ewjis.
I wish I were a scalpel
In a plastic surgery suite
I'd always be a cut above
To keep the scarring neat
I wish I was a suture
That stitched your lips together
For labial beauty is my aim
Alas, they're made of leather. . . . no comment . . .
I wish I had insurance
Should ever things go wrong [Rosie] Fairly horrific typo in there - Labiaplastysugeon.com... sugeon???
For I have no endurance
Can't plug this leak for long. (pen) Mm, all a bit fishy. Like a stugeon. Er, sorry about that.
I wish I were a sturgeon
My innards worth a mint
But why do people want to eat
Fish eggs, and then be skint?
I wish I were a tube of glue (Irg) Good question. ("Waiter, this jam tastes fishy").
Many things, then, I could stick
I really think I'm stuck on you
But your smell makes me sick
A universal solvent
Better than aqua regia
Would help me clean my teeth each night
A dangerous procedure
This brain transplant is tricky
I've misplaced the cranial nerve
Someone got a sold'ring iron?
Will three-amp fusewire serve?
I wish I were a member (Softers), penultimate one - V good
Of some exclusive club :o)
I'd show up at the AGM
And shout "Let's go downt' pub!"
i wish I were a dentist's drill
Causing untold pain
I wriggle in amongst the nerves
I suggest you don't complain
i wish I were a newscaster
With perfect teeth and diction
And on my head would be a wig
My quiff, a work of fiction
I'm glad that I did Latin
Now I've got quid pro quo
Meliora cogito
though, is not a phrase I know
If language is your raison d'être
Your reasoning's sehr gut
And are without a doubt le maître
So you deserve a w00t!
This looks like a fait accompli
Let's go get a burra peg
This verse has gone all rumply
Let's have some scrambled egg.

I wish I were a newscaster
I'd be so rich and proud
Of getting paid great wads
For what schools call "Reading Aloud".

...and now, back to our usual program...

I wish I were iconic
As on a PC screen
I'd be clicked on all day long
Hmm... now I'm not so keen next!
I'm glad I'm not a Russian doll
Because my name is Doris
I'd hate to be called "Svetlana"
But my former name was Boris coat ...
In butter bean and bacon soup
We hear alliteration
But with plain old oxtail
Just straight concatenation.
I wish I was an Arctic tern
Flying through the blizzards
I'd dive for fish in stormy seas
And gobble up their gizzards. Oblig. But do fish have gizzards?
I wish the dreary London fog [Rosie] The mud shad is a fish with a gizzard, but is unlikely to be found in stormy seas.
Would clear for just a minute
For I am lost; this look like Penge
Or something like that, innit?
I wish I were camel
Instead I've got the hump
In fact I've got a pair of them
(But one may be a mump)
The days are passing slowly
Yet the years go by so fleet
Why don't you take a running jump
re previous line: - Delete.
The days are getting longer
The annual nadir
Has passed, and we look forward to
Seeing your mum, m'dear.
The year is almost over
But another one is due
For this one I will do my best
As more I cannot do.
The new year is upon us
We'll have a resolution glut
But, alas, in one month's time
We'll all be back on website smut
I wish I were a bailiff
I'd crash right through your door
I'd distrain all your Christmas gifts
And press demands for more.
I wish I were a chimney-sweep
Inserting my long brush
I'd clean your flue so very clean
And even cure your thrush Hat and coat oblig. at this time of year, innit?
I wish I were a steering wheel
I'd turn things all around
'Cos I am a control freak
and my limits have no bounds sorry
I wish I were a plural
And not so singulAR
We'd be on every mural
And then become a star
If I were not a "housemate"
In the Big Brother House
I'd be an exhibitionist
And show my pubic louse
I'm glad I'm not a penguin
Living on the ice
I'd rather be a spotted owl
And live on spotted mice
I wish I were John Major Heaven knows why...
And not be Tony Blair
I'd wear a fairly bland grey suit
Oh yes, that's what I'd wear. (Do the voice)
I wish I'd been more careful
When I cut down this tree
Because, you see, the stupid thing
Smashed my conservat'ry. I love the sound of breaking glass.
I wish I were a dancer
Of ballet, jazz or tap
But first I'd need to lose some weight
So I won't look like crap
The supermarket singles night
Is when I do my shopping
I dress up in my finery (Zarbenia) Be bold - Try this, courtesy of of the Univ. of Pittsburgh.
And down the aisles I'm bopping
I'm really very sorry
As sorry as can be
I really should've stopped to think
But I was drunk, you see.
When I was just a nipper
Very many years ago
I kissed a girl called Pippa
How could I stoop so low?
"...and therefore, in conclusion,"
My lecturer would say
"The theorem is obvious"
If Euclid has his way
I'm getting used to living
Well above my means
Therefore I am wearing
My pin-stripes, not my jeans.
Tonight I'll have a curry
Perhaps with bits of lamb
I think a spicy vindaloo
Will make a change from Spam®
I wish I were a meteor
That burnt up in the sky
I'd startle and be wished upon
Then fall to earth and die
I wish I were a mothball
That reeked of naphthalene
My sheer aromaticity
Would keep your wardrobe clean
I wish I didn't have to wish
Or make any decision
But the genie says I must
And do it with precision.
I taught I taw a puddy tat
A tweeping up on me This can be sung to the hymn-tune Diadem.
I looked again and taw it was
A puddy tat indee...
My cat is called Sylvester
My dog is dubbed Stallone
My hamster is named Rocky
Now please leave me alone
Beware of men with pitchforks
Who stalk princes with big ears
In Gloucestershire they breed them
Quite thick, or so one hears
I wish I were a metaphor
Not just a simile
I'd be on ev'rybody's lips
Somewhat like Jade Goody
I wish I were a fixer
Always in demand
I'd never charge high prices
< cockney>"To you, darlin, a pahnd" </ cockney>
I wish I were a Geordie (Irg) Not a Lonodoner, then?
Then I'd say "Whey aye, man"
I've no idea what it means
But at least I've made it scan!
I wish I were a Brummie
Lugubrious but shrewd
Up here I'm in my oil tot
Because I'm in the nude
(yes, that was a non sequitur, but still...)
I wish I were a Scouser
Resenting my victim status - © B. Johnson 2004
I'd pick a lot of fights
With 'em Mancunians that hate us.
I wish I had two pennies
For to rub together
I'd spend them both on bennies
And disregard the weather
I wish (to be quite honest)
That you would go away
My patience, it is limited
My nerves do tend to fray
I wish I were poetic, like
But my speech is yoofy
I guess I'll stick wiv street talk
So as to sound less goofy
I wish I were a student
I'd sleep the whole day long
It helps me to be prudent
And grow up big and strong. There's sensible, isn't it?
I'm glad I'm not a mothball
That fumigates poor bugs
I'd whiff a bit, of naphthalene
And mask the smell of drugs ...speaking of students
I wish I had sagacity (pen) Could be worse. :-)
Then Jade Goody I would choose
I may not be as fat as she
But I could wear her shoes
I think I'll bog off early
I must avoid the rush lovely student stereotyping guys
Be home in time for Neighbours
Viewed with reverent hush.
Today I'll have a lie-in Tuj] We're just jealous...
A lovely duvet day
I'll get up when I want to
Meanwhile I'll hit the hay
I once saw a spoof e-mail from "Management" that included the following: "Every employee shall be entitled to 104 Duvet Days every year. 52 are called 'Saturday' and the other 52 are called 'Sunday'." Well, it amused me.
I wish I had some old rope
Attached to some foul-smelling soap
Just rotting in my shower
The stench doth overpower. This is not meant to be limerick, boys and girls.
I wish I knew my rhyme schemes [Irouléguy] Real life is much the different
My metres and my feet
My triolets and sonnets
That'll keep my scansion neat
Arse! I suck at this, sorry guys and gals.
It's fine - just needs a line break

I Say, Porter! - Arse! I suck at this
sorry guys and gals
Irouléguy - I need a little practice Tuj] As it was in my day ;)
And help from all my pals
I wish I were a hailstone (ISP) Noble contrition, finely expressed. :-)
A-falling from the sky will this do?
I'd try to land on some poor sod
And catch 'em in the eye
I'll no more go a-rovin'
'Cept for my rovin' eye
Just mentally undressing
Those on whom I spy. (ISP) Faultless :-)
Though technically faultless
There's moral issues to pursue deep and meaningful, this
It has to have the spirit
And needs a dab of glue
This Lenten entertainment
Which I will not give up
Involves champagne and a juicy steak
And lots of beer to sup
I wish that it was Easter
With chocolate eggs all round
(Ellipsoidal, actually)
Let pedantry abound
I wish I were a teledu
Making nasty smells
I'd enter small closed spaces
And stink out Tunbridge Wells.
I wish that I could teleport
Like the people on Star Trek
I'd port to Angelina Jolie's bed
And shout out 'Flippin' Eck!' Bad line, Softers. What's that fat-lipped looney got to do with anything on here? Maybe she's one of your fantasies, but she isn't mine!
I wish that Angie's luscious lips
Were planted on my cheek
Or perhaps in other places
That make my legs go weak.
I wish I'd eaten rather less
Of Auntie's rhubarb crumble
It sits inside me like a stone
I can hear my innards rumble
Would you book me an interview?
My current job is boring
I sit among the grey-faced throng
But long to break my mooring.
[R,T,R] Oooh... touching. I actually *do* have an interview on Friday...
I wish that I had chicken soup
Instead of orange squash
But then this straw would be no good (pen) Go for it.
Unless it's cold chicken Borscht
We hope you pass the interview
And make a great impression
You should avoid your Clement Freud
It gives us all depression
If I had 14 fingers
(More than I really need)
I'd be a great guitarist
A dexterous one indeed
If I were in the cabinet
Blair's, or a wardrobe too
I'd surely be kept in the dark
And like mushrooms, fed on poo [irach] a bit of shoehorn required to make that line fit and make sense there, donchoo think? Otherwise, onwards and upwards chaps. Keep together. A-one, A-two, A-one-two-three-four
I wish I was a petrol gauge
That told misleading tales
Like five instead of fifteen quid
A way of boosting sales. By volume, anyway. Two sorts of petrol gauge here.
I wish that pen will tell us
A story that is true
That's nothing like her normal brand
I'd duck if I were you.
I laughed...
I wish I was a Liar
And my nose was five yards long
I'd poke it up Lord Archer's bum
'Cos he says it doesn't pong But we all know about him, don't we boys and girls?
I wish I had a wishing well
I'd drop coins in it an hope
Hrmph!
Tuj - I wish I had a wishing well
Software - I'd drop coins in it and hope
And if my wish did not come true
I'd throw tantrums and mope
I wish I wasn't here right now
I'd rather be in Derry
And I wish I wasn't Tom the cat
'Cos he's from County Kerry
I wish I was a barnacle
Adhering to the bottom
And when they came to scrape me off
I'd shout and scream, God rot 'em.
I wish I were an ocelot
I'd slink around my prey - [Am loving the last two - kudos all round]
I'd sleep in trees - I'd doss a lot Wossa kudo? Is it like a podume?
That's how I'd pass my day
I wish I were a kinkajou
Dweeling in the trees [Rosie] Japanese ideal based on the inherent idea of podumes without the physical objects themselves
My dweel would scatter down to earth
And make capybaras sneeze
Oh, dweel
While dweeling round the whipple tree
Parailing all I'd wotten (Tuj) Ah!
I groiled a nupthuck's pack o' three
Which craulked me something rotten :-(
[R, R, K, C] I'm reminded of Kandra Woods, a game of Jabberwockian verse I've only encountered as part of the currently dormant* Furcation Game but a full version of which took place at MCiOS (also currently dormant**). Doesn't meant I shouldn't have checked my spelling though :P

* a bit hopeful: approaching 1000 days since the last move!
** hopefully dormant on a far, far lesser magnitude
Shall we continue in the same vein for a while?
I wish I were an actroblub
Or knew just what one was
[IS,P] Hmmph .. don't wanna play, eh? NOW what do I do? Carry on regardless Jabber-stylee [as Kim suggested] or attempt to follow your lead? Friday mornings are simply not designed for such decisions :-)
[Chalks] I'd argue that this one could be continued with an attempt to define an actroblub in the Jabba style.
[Ispers] Good argument :-)
I wish I were an actroblub
Or knew just what one was
My quoil stope seems to fit the bill
I'm absolutely pos.
The quirly bims of Ishtaru
Upon the city wall
Their ush-hahas all vixy blue (ISP) There y' are - it's a quoil stope. Say no more. But for the "t" it could be the kids next door - Extreme Crying.
I'd love to paint them all [Chalks] Ispers? Lovely!
Of all the strogs in London
And Witney Scrotum too © Peter Tinniswood, I have to admit.
The Glob, of Hurley Pustulae
looks most of all like you.
The plimp-kneed zilk of Trescoreen
Whom some may july april
Will never gretch the flommits of
Gremlits naar the burbling rill
'Tis time, methinks, to discourse
'pon brassicas and Georges
Legumes and tubers
Pah! wrong scan

Kim - 'Tis time, methinks, to discourse
Irouléguy - 'pon brassicas and Georges
Software - Let's consider legumes too

and sounds of Victor Borge's
*sssssssswish pop*
I like the old tradition
Of rhyme that scans with sense
As for all this modern stuff,
'Twill be banished hence.
I wish I were clairvoyant
For I'd like to foresee
Which witches might be buoyant
And which we'd drown with glee.
I wish I were a hampster
Or a furry hamster too
Or a furry, furry hamster
And hampster coloured too
I wish I wore a witch's watch
Upon my gnarlèd wrist
My timings I would never botch
Appointments never missed
I wish I had a second head
So no need of forked tongue
As such, I've just a second hand
And also a third lung
I wish I were a sewer pipe
A-shifting Mersey trout
My belches, feculently ripe,
Would noxious vapours spout
I wish I were a music box [R,S,R,i] Bizarrely delightful!
So easy to wind up
Thus people would oft take me
For a playful singing pup. - sorry - I posted just to get rid of the darn thing. Not the easiest line to follow, Monsieur Softers, am wondering if you had a final line in mind when you posted?
I wish I weren't an England fan
It's getting somewhat bland
Whether soccer, cricket, rugby
So best stick head in sand.
I wish I were an Irish man
I'd have the name O'Reilly
And cheer the boys at Croker Park
Because I'm really smiley :-)
I want to have a raison d'étre
But sadly can't speak French;
Instead, I'll eat this raisin bread
Je mange, donc je suis wench.
I wish that I could sprachen Deutsch
And read Immanuel Kant
Es wäre gut, and would bear fruit
And like Hitler I would rant
Я не говорю по-русски - that's 'ya nye gavaryou pa russkie' (I don't speak russian)
And have never wanted to
Except when calling up a Huskie
For a bit of how-de-do
I wish I were an isobar
Behind Susan Powell's back
I'd pluck a string on my guitar
Then give her bum a whack
I wish I were a bandicoot
(a bonzer Aussie mammal)
I'd live inside a handy boot
And coat it with enamel moving along...
I wish I were a roundabout
In scenic Swindon Town
I'd be adorned with traffic lights
And make the drivers frown
I wish I'd find a dodo bird
And teach it how to fly
Alas, such thoughts are quite absurd
Can't find one -- wonder why?
I wish I were a traffic cop
I'd stand right in the road
Gesticulating wildly at
Your girlfriend's outsize load
I wish I were a toothbrush
And you were my false teeth
I'd brush up against you gently
In Morningside or Leith
I have no need for silicone
I'm all up-front, you see
My hair and teeth are still my own
And my feet I still can seeThere you go again, Chalks, making us boys all excited ;o)
If I had a ham sandwich
I'd throw away my Spam
And with a ripe tomato
Choke that bastard Sam-I-am. What an irritating sod.
I wish I had some lemonade
For I am truly parched
I'd drink it mixed with English beer
To keep my top lip starched
I wish I had some creme brulée
And here's the reason why;
I love to crack the skin on top
It's crispier than pie
I wish I had a napkin now
Because I've spilt my milk - Tuj First Line Takeover eh?
There's no use crying over it
I am not of that ilk Limited opportunities there, Chalks
I wish I were a footballer Keeping Tuj at bay .....
Who scored a winning goal
I'd slide ten yards upon my knees
And then whip out my pole I'll get me coat.
I wish I wasn't always first Just seems to keep happening...
One could always miss a turn
But MC5 is addictive
And I am slow to learn
There, can't be my go now.
I wish I were a magistrate
Then yobs I'd really hammer
I'd put them all in clink for eight
In the Sing-Sing slammer
I wish I were a biscuit tin *sigh*
And you a custard cream
Within I would enclose you
In my snack housing scheme.
I wish I were a piece of cake
I'm easy, will that do?
But do take care, for I've got nuts
And could taste salty, too best just to spit.
I wish I were a sock puppet
Like Sooty, Sweep, or Soo
I'd sock it to 'em Muppets
And Punch and Judy too
I wish I were a tuba
Of highly polished brass
Eighteen feet of convolution
Designed to play 'Whispering Grass' Ladies & Gentlemen Mr. Don Estelle. Don't all leave at once.
I wish I were a raindrop
Falling on your nose
I'd make a splash and trickle
Like dew upon a rose
I wish today was Saturday
And that this month was June
The year was nineteen fifty-two Get out of that, y' buggers. :-)
Tonight there's a half moon only if it's the 14th though
I wish it were the fourteenth day
Of my two-week detox
I'd celebrate the standard way:
Oh, what a paradox!
I wish I was a lemon rind
Fruity, empty, yellow
Like Bognor on an April day
Where old farts rant and bellow.
[i;D;IS,P!;R] Splendid
I wish I were a German car
Assembled in Bavaria
Mein engine would be wunderbar
Mein driver's seat is chairier.
Di-methyl-phenyl-benzoate
Oops...
Di-methyl-phenyl-benzoate
Is a curious ester
Its use is as yet inchoate Come on, Raak, what are the positions of the bloody methyl groups, 3,5 or 2,4? This recipe cannot be completed without this info.
P'raps Raak is a jester
I have a simple view on life
You're born, you live, you die.
You may give rise to others
Whereby some may wonder why
If I were a mocking bird
I'd know just whom to mock
They'd be mainly politicians
I'd start with Mill and Locke
I wish I were a drainpipe
Quite narrow, dank and long
Then proverbial rats up me would run
While I did sing this song:

Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds! Is there a chorus?
[Rosie] I think that was it.
I reach from ground to rooftop high
From guttering to drains
Around me winds wisteria
Which drips down when it rains

Chorus: Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I'm fond of my co-drainage chums
Fine sewer grates and gutter
We hardly ever get clogged up
With unwanted clutter

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I've featured in a magazine
Been "Drainpipe Of The Year"
And after people drink a lot
Into me they will pee(r)

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!


I love those sudden downpours
My joy it overflows
I never leak a single drop
Down to earth it goes.

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

But hailstorms do confound me
They rattle down my spout
They chip my lovely paintwork
Then I don't smile, I pout
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
I may be getting rusty
Inside but not without
For I've a coat of Hammerite
Which gleams; there is no doubt

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
When Autumn leaves are falling
And over-gorge my spout
A man appears with rods and stuff
To clear the debris out
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

My little friend the gutter
Pours his fluids into me
Which makes me quite excited
As I gurgle in glee
Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
My joints are tight and sturdy
My brackets are secure
Truly I'm a fixture
Proud and British to the core!

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!

I've taken out a policy
Against retirement day
For in the end I'll turn to rust
And then be thrown away

Chorus:
Such joy to be a drainpipe!
My rapture knows no bounds!
I'm such a lovely conduit!
No cloudburst me confounds!
I wish it weren't so very hot
It really is quite steamy
I think a storm is brewing here
As I cook my sashimi
I wish my feet weren't quite so wet
They smell like old cheese drenched with sweat
However, my socks
Smell of cream cheese and lox I'm presuming we're having a brief foray into the world of limericks today? :-)
I've worn them two months, for a bet. [Phil] Double helpings of weirdness, after the cooking of sashimi - yuk!
I wish I were a sunshade
Shielding folks from glare
I'd filter out those UV rays
So they would all stay fair.
I wish I were a vulture
I'd circle 'oer my prey
'Cos carrion's my culture
But Zebra's not kosher. Oy vey!
I wish I were a leprechaun
Or perhaps a little pisky
I'd play my pranks from dusk to dawn
And then get smashed on whisky
I'm glad I'm not a postman
Being bait for growling dogs
I'd need my running shoes on
Not these stupid ****ing clogs
I wish I were a bullfrog
A-croaking in the reeds
I'd leap and scare old ladies
They'd go weak around the knees
I wish I was a frog, turned prince
Once kissed by my true love
But, woe, a frog remain I, since
She gave me the shove.
I wish I had some customers freelancing, eh? Who'd do it if they weren't desperate?
I'll just go out and grab 'em [pen] been there, done that, its hard work but you can work your own hours and have long holidays, trouble is, holidays cost you money :o(
I'll delve into their wallets
Find fivers, and I'll nab 'em that's an horrendous rhyme you gave us, Softers!
I wish I were a reference book
For field mycologists
With coloured plates of nasty moulds
And endless Latin lists
I wish I were a tapeworm
A good fifteen feet long
I'd curl around inside your gut
reciting Patience Strong
I wish I was a washing line sales of clothes pegs up 1400% over the past year, say ASDA. A result of wanting to 'go green', or of escalating fuel prices making it too expensive to run a tumble dryer? Personally, I have always pegged out...
Festooned with all your knickers
My gentle parabolic form Don't tell me it's a catenary - it ain't.
Admired by passing vicars
I wish I were a thunderbolt (irach) Rather nice. (pen) Me too. But have you got wooden pegs?
Then through your roof I'd crash My missus wants a tumble dryer because she believes that the towels would be *fluffier*. I say bollocks, and that they would be worn out quicker at great expense. Over my dead body, in fact.
I'd sent a jolt right through your head
And turn your brains to ash.
I wish I was a dolly peg [Rosie] Some are. I think dolly pegs snag as you shove them on, so I prefer the spring-clip ones. I have some wooden, and some jaunty coloured plastic.
On Blue Peter I would star [pen] I am old enough (and so too is Rosie ;o) ) to remember the gypsies knocking on one's door trying to sell them!
They'd make me into something nice (pen) You don't mean these, do you? (Softers) Yes, I remember them, too. BTW on this machine your small font is almost unreadable but better in italics.
A Dolls House or a Car [Rosie] Hmm. No, I didn't, I meant the clothes peg dollypeg. If you google image 'dolly-peg, you get both kinds.
I wish I was a polliwog
Swimming in a pool of slime Actually, what Rosie drew is a 'dolly' for a dolly tub, not a dolly peg.
Just like our dear Prime Minister (Softers) Some young girl nicked my monicker. No respect.
He does it all the time
I have no need for artifice
Toujours au naturel
Quite basic and right down to earth
That sweaty stink of hell
Your house, in my opinion,
Is just a bit de trop
The portcullis, moat and drawbridge
Will simply have to go check French scansion
I wish I did like esgargot
And did not boke at snails
But those slimy little gastropods
Taste just like puppies' tails.
I'm rather fond of mange tout
But hate the smell of swede I don't actually. Love it. Arrrr.
All brassica is just divine
But man, just taste this weed.

In honour of penelope's recent revelation that she may soon be seen in a Dutch cap-acity...
What?
I wish I were in Amsterdam Certainly has a deal of attraction from where I stand
From where the tulips come
I'd try to speak in double Dutch
What is the word for 'bum'?
[pen] Easily done online. Take your pick: achtereind, achterste, bips, gat, kont, staartstuk, zitvlak
I wish I didn't have the gout
It makes my tootsies hurt My cousin has had it. Riotous living, being a solicitor.
I might have swallowed too much stout
Then try taking St John's Wort
I wish I were a diction'ry
Then I'd not be lost for words
But if I were a lavat'ry
I get sat on by birds resorting to Cockerney argot to avoid obvious feedline
s/I/I'd
I wish I had an iPod
For every time I've heard:
Why Apple™ is so wonderful
Despite not having Word.
I wish I were a firework
Waiting for ignition
My stick stuck firmly in the ground
Will jeopardise my mission You put the stick in a tube stuck in the ground as it goes up with the body of the rocket, Softers. If you stick it in the ground, the rocket ain't going anywhere.
[pen] firework isnt = rocket, indeed some fireworks require the sticking-in-the-ground simply because it's safer that way, but I see where you're coming from
[pen]I thought it was a neat finish :o)

Software - I'm glad I'm not at Wimbledon

Where wind and rain prevail
Much nicer to sit snug at home
With a tankard full of ale
I wish I was a centipede
With all my legs intact
Of kneecaps I would have the ton
Or more, and that's a fact
I wish I was a grapefruit
Juicy, big and round Now, now ....
I'd squirt my juice onto your face
Then watch you writhe around.
I wish I were an acorn
A-dangling in my cup
I'd grow up to be a shady oak
Beneath which drinkers sup
I wish I were an Ouija board
The naïve I would then trick
With messages from t'Other Side
Like this one; "You're all thick!"
"The water's creeping up our road!"well, not mine, but a good friend from Oxford is coming here tonight as his road is being slowly inundated :o(
Defying gravitee Bloody pedant.
When in reaches my abode
I'll abandon ship and flee!
I wish I were a cowpat
Chock-full of biomass
In the sun then I shall dry
to a discus, not morass
I wish I were an asteroid
Wand'ring round the sun
When I got bored of orbiting
I'd crash a planet and be done
I wish I were a crater
Perhaps one on the moon
I'd keep cheese cool for later
Rather, as one says, than soon. Cheese crater, cheese grater. I dunno.
I wish I were a lightbulb
I would be so switched on
But, unpredictably, I'd pop
(or flicker, if neon).
I wish I was an inert gas
So noble I would be
I need no friends and make no bonds Explain XeF6, then, clever clogs.
I'll float, as an anomaly
Welcome, enigma2060. Don't I know you?
I wish I had an inkling
But I think I've missed the point
I'm sure I once knew something
My brain's gone; it's this joint.
I wish my nose were shorter
For people think I lie
Or that I am prying
When it pokes them in the eye.
I wish I drove a big red bus
Along a big bus lane
I wouldn't stop for passengers
I'd drive them all insane
I wish I was a frying pan
Sizzling on the stove
Your bacon would come out real crisp
A breakfast treasure trove
I wish I were the Ace of Spades
The Leader of the Pack
I would trump all other cards
Red's red, but Black is black.
I wish I were a harem guard
My scimitar all curvy
But the limit to my manhood
Is sky-high 'cos I'm pervy.
I wish I were Hungarian
A Magyar through and through
I'd feed all day on goulash
Rhapsodise on paprikash too
I wish I had a caravan Would save all this 'Moving House' lark
The desert I would cross
I'd own ten dromedaries
Of which I'd be the boss.
I wish I were in Ngrongoro
A safari I would take
To see migrating wildebeest
(They take five hours to bake)
I wish I was a sofa bed
Of mighty width and girth
I'd still be quite uncomfortable
To someone giving birth.
I wish I was a colander It's a strain, it really is
Round and full of holes
I'd do my job hole-heartedly
And drain myself in bowls
I wish I was a clerihew
Fame and glamour as my theme
But peas and honey are my lot
The rest is just a dream.
Ii wish my lips were cherry-hued
And not just chewed and hairy
I'd do things that are very rude
To prove I'm not a fairy
I wish I were a piano string
A-stretched out very taut
I'd resonate in harmony
When e're I think I ought
I wish I were a sonnet
Five feet by fourteen long
I'd place my thoughts upon it
Whether right or wrong
I wish I were a limerick
Instead of four-line verse
My third and fourth lines would then rhyme
And scan, and be quite terse.
I wish I were more handsome
To pick up lots of girls
Their hearts I'd hold to ransom
As they'd run fingers through my curls
I wish I were a Hero
And pref'rably not dead
'Cos then I'd do heroic things
Instead, I stay in bed.
[CdM] Preview, idiot!
I wish that I had second sight wouldn't need preview then, would I?
As back-up for the first
Such fortunate clairvoyance
Makes one seem rehearsed.
I wish that I had stayed in bed
For getting up today
I strained my back and must sit down
O woe! Alack! Alay!
I do my homework nightly
Just to please my teacher
This essay is on Superman
She likes a Sci-Fi creature
I have no time for hypocrits
For I am free of cant
And I'm truly open minded
I am not prone to rant
My virtue is unparalleled
Yet my life is full of woe
It started when my ego swelled
Through doorways it won't go.
As God once said to Moses,
Take these tablets twice a day
And then, as one supposes
His command meant letters prey.
I wish I were a maggot
Impaled upon a hook
I'd tempt voracious fishies
With a come-and-get-me look
Heheh - last handful have been marvellous.
I have no use for peppermills
That grind exceeding small
I like my pepper crunchy
Of no pep-per at all
I used to be quite boozy (Chalky) The mind boggles
But now I'm on the wagon
Since then I got a floozy
Now I'm sober, she's a dragon
My name is Doctor Pepper
Academia's my domain
When students need a sugar-rush
They slurp my liquid cane
I wish I were a p'liceman
Carrying a truncheon
I'd bash the suspects in the cells
And then slope off for luncheon
[R, i, R & K] Perfect.
I wish I was a coathook
Inside a bathroom door
Upon which hangs your bathrobe
While you're clad with nothing more
I wish I were a mulberry
Hanging on a bush
Succulent and tempting
Until I turn to mush
I wish I was a teapot
Short and stout and hot
A bit like Harry Secombe
But then Welsh I'm not
I wish I was a surly wench
And you a handsome knave
But you are just a burly mensch
'Bout whom I cannot rave.
I wish I were a racehorse
I'd gallop like the wind
But after the five furlong post
This wish I now rescind.
I wish I had a beaten sword
My fields require the plough
So I'll see the local blacksmith
After I sell my sow
I wish I were a plumber
I'd plumb the ripest drains
My rods and hooks would rummage well
Who cares about the stains?
Tuj, Raak, Software, Rosie] Very nice.
I wish I were a chimney sweep
My face all smeared with soot
I'd stick my big brush up your flue (CdM) Cheers, and a belated plaudit for your burly mensch. V good.
Full length - that's fifty foot!
I wish I ware a stevedore
A-working in the dock
A deckhand or a roustabout
With one eye on the clock
I wish I were a poet
A job to which I'm not adverse
My couplets I would craft with care
My image I would nurse.
I wish I had a mandolin
To play and pluck and strum
I'd be just like Corelli
And play with just one thumb.
I wish I had a blue mohawk
And a beard dyed flaming red
With green-tinged skin and Vulcan ears
I'd look like I was dead
I wish I were a blowtorch
Carried in a plumbers bag
I'd be good at heated blow jobs....Coat!!!
But I'm really not a slag
I wish I had elastic arms
What mischief I could make
I'd be just like Mr Tickle® Roger Hargreaves
Unless your giggle's fake
I wish I were an apple pie
And you a pot of cream
I'm all fibre, you mere fat
But together we're serene
I wish I were a joint of lamb
Slowly roasting on a rack
You'd drool just at the thought of me
And the cutlery attack
I wish I were a polyglot
Familiar with tongues
I'd speak to all the world with ease
In places quite far flung[s]
I wish I was a prophet
A soothsayer or seer
I'd outdo Nostradamus
And on TV appear. (Softers) I note with approval that the adjective "agrees" with the noun.:-)
I wish I was a fountain pen
Filled full of blackest ink
Your shirt pocket I would stain with glee
I then get binned, I think.
I wish I had three wishes
And that, in all, makes four.
A wine-jug, loaf of bread, and thou
Submissive on the floor coat!
I wish I were in Birmingham
A-visiting my mama
Her name is Marlene, as you'd guess
And Daddy's name's Osama
I wish I had a wishing well
For then I'd make a wish
What it is I just can't tell
Being indecisive(-ish).
I wish I didn't have to wish
I'd like to trust to fate
Whatever it may throw at me
Inshallah. God is great.
I wish that it would pour with rain
Instead of slowly drizzle
My garden then would turn to mud
My bonfire quietly fizzle.
I wish I was a rocking horse
My sh*t would then be rare
The bookies would all hate me
But I really wooden care
I wish I were a dry-stone wall
Spanning hill and dale
Breaking wind from east and west -Loving your work chaps - specially on the last 6 :-)
So best not to inhale. (Chalky) Really! An' I fought you was a lady. :-)
I wish I were a mandible
Chomping down on chow
I hope there are no bones in it
If there is then I'll go "Ow!"
I wish I could articulate
And n-n-not sp-speak with a st-stammer
Then I'd say things with conviction
Such as "Hazel Blears, God damn 'er."
If anyone had warned me
That lard was bad to eat
I wouldn't now weigh twenty stone
And a heart that doesn't beat
I wish I had an extra ear
So I could hear the sound
Of one hand clapping in the woods
In glorious Sensuround©
I had a little nut tree
It bore a lot of stuff [unlike the one that bore 'nothing' - how mean-spirited was that?]
Such as gold and silver baubles
But still, it's not enough gimme gimme
I wish I was a lord-a-leaping
Over buxom wenches
Alas, I fell on one of them
With t*ts like Judi Dench's (Sorry - it was the cleanest of 5 versions I came up with)
I wish I was a thespian
On sunny Thespos isle
I'd sit and sip my ouzo
- I'm resting. Luvvie-style
I uttered a profanity
It rang throughout the room (Phil) She is magnificent, but alas no chicken.
My faux pas, a calamity
Will haunt me to the tomb
"Mum's the word," the vicar said,
"My wife must never know"
"That I'm a closet atheist"
But I just go with the flow
I wish I were old Santa Claus
My life would be so jolly
I'd spend my holly-days outdoors
A-drinking schnapps and bolly
My beard is long and fluffy
And my belly's wobbly
I rather fancy Buffy
But so does old Tom Cobleigh.
I wish I were a present
N'eer future, nay, nor past
The knife-edge moment that is life
Is over now. Oh blast.
I wish I were a great big toad (CdM) Don't do it. We love you really.
All slimy, green and warty
I'd feast on yummy damselflies
And end up fat and forty
I wish I wish I wish I wish
I wish I wish I wish
I wish a wishy-washy fish
Would wish a fishy wish
I wish the rain would stop a while
Then I could dry my hair - [irach, Phil] LOVE the wishy one :-)
A scarecrow's life is not much fun
And of me no-one does care Ahhhhh!
I do not want for anything
I've everything I need
A house, a car, a loving wife
And NO children to feed!
I wish I were a Christmas elf Kim, that's absolutely right
I'd sabotage the prezzies
A hand grenade inside a sock
Condoms for the lezzies. Not terribly witty, but there are precious few rhymes.
I make recycled paper [Rosie] Made me larf :o)
From things my cat brings me
My favourites are fur balls
For solvent, use its wee. Ever the chemist, alas. (pen) That's no bad thing this time of year, though I thought you laffed rather than larfed. :-)
I wish I had some acetone
Nail varnish to remove
Well, oxidise some propylene (irach) You were warned. :-)
Through a palladium groove
I had imagined a different outcome for the above:

I wish I had some acetone
Nail varnish to remove
'Cos I dress in women's clothes
My wife does not approve

Now moving switfly on ...

I wish I were in pantomime

I'd play Whittington's cat
With big black ears and boots and tail
And I'd hiss, and fiss, and spat.
I wish I were a cracker
Lit on Guy Fawkes Day
I'd jump and bang and generally
Make an nuisance until May.
I wish I were a snowflake
Perfection in my shape
I'd have no twin in all the world
No sibling I could ape
I know a lad named Calculus
Who knows how to integrate
His twin does cube roots in his head
That's how they differ-en-tiate
I have a suit of armor
It clanks like Puffing Billy
Made of chain and plate and scraps,
Don't dare tell me it's silly!
I have a great big knobbly mace
That lives under my pillow
I have it near me just in case
Should my bedroom monster bellow
I wish I were invisible
- A power I'd use for good
But efforts have been risible
I just can't drain myself of blood.
I wish I were knurlèd knob (RW) You from t'north?
Knobkierie or Shillelagh
I like to crush [Rosie]: Nope, I'm an American with a sense of poetic license. Even Shakespeare didn't always "rhyme" in the normals way.
the heads should be added. I'm sorry, I was in limerick mode...
Of those who mess with B Disraeli
yeah ... right, a bit crap, but it seemed a reasonable RHYMING option.:-)
I wish I had a dozen eggs
To chuck at Griff Rhys-Jones (RW) I know you're American - I was being sarcastic, because I'm a nasty old bugger. ;-)
And I'll have to use a dozen eggs [RW]No worries, love. ;) (Just to add to the confusion...)
To throw at them wot moans
I've eaten forty-one mince pies
My tummy don't feel well Just had one myself ;o)
I'll only have a couple more
So then I'll feel like hell
I am the forty-fourth mince pie
Why have I been neglected?
Is it because old Sweeney Todd
And the filler he collected.
There is a place in Missouri Let's see if y'all can follow the mispronounciation on that... Not that it has to be rhymed.
That's famed in rhyme and song
So thanks be to W C Handy . . . the bog's just round the corner . . .
We're bound to get it wrong
Chalky - I wish I'd been to Cambridge
But I was just too thick
So I got stuck at Oxford
And have no sense of poetry now. Yes, for those of you who don't know, that was intentional.
I wish I were a tiddlywink (Red Wolf) You're forgiven - this time. (Chalky) WC Handy wrote St Louis Blues, one of my favourites, but his name still makes me giggle a bit.
All round and red and shiny
Instead I am a poker chip
And doomed to igno-miny
I wish I had an Oscar Mayer
And not this Nathan's wiener
Since I'm a grumpy old tax payer
And Nathan's just makes me meaner...
I wish I was a baker
I'd wear a baker's hat
And eat large sticks of butter
I love imbibing globs of fat
With crown and orb and sceptre
My aim is for to please
And few could be adepter that's a mains adepter, btw
At avoiding all the sleaze
I wish I was a radio
That was tuned in to you
You can twang my aerial
It sure beats Radio 2
If you get poor reception
Try stroking your aerial
It will certainly mess up the scan
And if combined with poor insulation could lead to your premature burial.
I wish I were a bar of soap
Almost a glowing clerihew, that last one. Or perhaps a cleriworm
Fragrant Camay, Pears, or Fairy
My bubbles would caress your skin
And scents send your head airy.
I'm in an awful lather here
I just can't choose between
The liquid or the solid soap
Which will best keep me clean?
I've heard the tales of cooking woes
I've empathised and wept
For oysters, like famed Carpenter
In month's not 'r' except
I'm going to the corner shop
I may be quite a while
The lady at the counter's cute
I'll try my rakish smile
I wish I were an oyster
An aphro-dis-i-ac
I'd make folks feel quite fruity
So they'd end up in the sack
My college class has started
And I am running late
I have no time to eat my lunch
And no time to masturbate coat!
I wish I were an actor (Softers) 15-yr-olds do it in class (so I'm told)
I'd strut upon the stage
There'd be no dry eye in the house
My "Macbeth" would be the rage
I wish I were a guru
My every word you'd heed
I'd tell you to strip naked
To do a Kama Sutra deed
To partake of my wisdom
You must wear this party hat
Your brain will function better
Although you'll look a prat oblig, probably
I am a perfect Bayesian
I am coordinated
And all those silly Frequentists
Can say what they like
When Ike and Tina Turner
River deep-ed and mountain high-ed
They left a good job in the city
But then ol' Ikey died
I'd climb the highest mountain
And forge the wettest stream
Just to get away from you (SM) Did you mean ford?
You're a nightmare not a dream
O poets red in tooth and claw [Rosie] Yes, I was thinking of 'Climb Every Rainbow'
Have no truck with sonnets (SM) Ah! The steep bit near the ground is the worst, always.
It's best to use a car instead
And etch your verse on bonnets [Software] "Can say what they like"? (three poems ago) Am I missing something subtle?
I wish I were a jam jar
Packed with jellied berry filling
Then I'd feel the rock star
Who liked young girls quite willing [Phil] yes
I wish that I were clever
And won a Nobel prize
I'd then become quite famous
And get away with lies. . . . cynical old bugger . . .
I wish I were a liar
Alas, though, I lack guile
But what I miss in cunning
I make up for with pure style
I've only ever once been caught
With my trousers down - J,R,E,C - nice :o)
The trial was held at County Court
With my boxer shorts stained brown
I wish I were a magistrate
A-sending folks to hang
I'd be acting ultra vires
But I just don't give a dang (y'all)
I wish I were immortal [Phil] I'm as confused as you are, btw.
And immoral would help too
I'd sin for all eternity [CdM] Thank god, it's not just me :-)
The bill would ne'er come due.
I wish I was a shuttlecock
Winging back and forth
My feathers start off perky
Then end up pointing north [CdM, Phil] It's me as well :-)
I wish such obfuscation - I've been waiting for ages to post that word
Would be more oft eschewed
For spurious complication
Is moral turpitude. We are the New Puritans. Aaaaaghh!
[C,R,p,R] Excellent. I've said more than once that to be a good citizen in the morniverse, particularly in poetry games, you need to know when not to post. This morning I wrote the line "Well -- I just think it's rude" to finish that last glowworm, but upon previewing I thought, 'well, that's ok, but I bet someone else can do better'. So I deleted my line, and -- sure enough -- Rosie came along with one that was ten times better. Oh, and while I am it, applause also to S,P,R for the immor(t)al one.
(CdM) Thanks for the compliment. Your point is very pertinent. If I can't think of a good one I try not to put anything up. Part of the reason, I have to admit, is that I don't want to put my name to some banality. People will think I'm going soft or have lost it. But really one has to ask oneself "Is this worthy of the Morniverse?" If not, say nowt. Your inspiration will return. This condition can be relaxed to end a poor one has been hanging about for a while.
I wish my knarfled sprugget-flink Yes, but you should have seen the lines I rejected.
Was cruft with sparkly prill
With splinky dik-daks all around
Upon my window sill.
I wish a were a geyser now, now . . .
And not a girly fountain
I'd live in lovely Yellowstone
And squirt at Saddle Mountain
When continents are drifting
Pangaea's split apart
Gondwanaland's a-forming
And India gets its start
I wish I knew the answer
I haven't got a clue
Don't understand the question
Besides, I'm pissed. What's new?
I've changed my online atavar
The new one's so much cuter [ITYM "avatar" ;-)]
I like to watch her in the nude
By hacking her computer
I wish I was a chocolate bar
Instead I'm just a flake
But just like British chocolate I have an ending in mind, I wonder if others do?
I leave Hershey's in my wake [Soft] was that it?
I wish I were an ombudsman
I would investigate
Nefariousness in all its forms
The piss I would not take [Phil] Not quite - "I'm just a bloody fake" was my idea.
i wish my work was finished
And I could go straight home
But maybe I'd swing by the pub
"I can't resist." (Georg Ohm)
Banality in all its forms
Is found on MC here
In fact it is one of our norms
No deep thoughts shall appear.
(A hymn to be sung to the tune of "All Things Bright and Beautiful".)
If any intellectual
Attempts to prove us wrong
She or he'll be pilloried
In poetry and song. Fat chance
A cross-eyed bear called Gladley
Met a cock-eyed bear called Bill
The pair devoured a wall-eyed pike
Strabismus wins two-nil.
I wish I were a dashing spy
Dashing from Prague to Rome
With pistol, gloves and killer shades
And camera in my comb

Perhaps this deserves several verses ..

I'd have no need for mundane things
I'd love my Austin Martin
Its blazing guns would clear the road
And leave the baddies smartin'


My basic needs would be supplied - usa
(Women, wine, and poker chips)
My cool, suave charm would be applied
To Octopussy's swaying hips.
Nasty villains I'd track down
Mmmmm - try that with more space

Software - Nasty villains I'd track down

Blow up their secret hideaways
they'd stroke their cats to no avail
Their henchmen turned to runaways. oish

On service to Her Majesty

My license is to kill
With ricin or with bullets' aim
Either way it's brill.

I'm on the SMERSH most-wanted list
But do not care a jot
I'm women-and-martini-pissed
My suave is all to pot


Most of all, I'm just so cool
My machismo knows no bounds
But that's my dream. In real life
I'm a milkman on my rounds Well, that was fun while it lasted :o)
I wish I were a painter
My house I'd decorate
I'd paint it in pink candystripes
and sell it to the Tate
I wish I were decisive. That spy series wasn't bad at all. A bit of polishing and it would be reminiscent of Milligan.
Or do I? I'm not sure
But then, on the other hand
I like to dither more
I wish I could remember
Whatever I forgot
But did I forget anything?
My memory says not
I wish I could stop dreaming
and rouse myself from sleep
But the arms of Morpheus
Are lovely, long and deep
Oi! You nicked my bicycle!
How can I get home?
The bus is gone I've got no dosh
So Oi'll polish off me pome
I wish I were a test pilot
In stratospheric realms
Mach IV would seem slow to me
Until I hit those elms.
I wish my sinuses would drain [Rosie] marvellous finish!
Then I could hum fine tunes
But sadly I just suffer Which I do, actually :o(
Most Aprils, Mays and Junes. (blamelewis) Cheers. I was inspired by the thought of a mate who flies a Tiger Moth. Top speed 80 mph and it can just about clear the trees.
I wish I was a tiger moth
I'd aim to clear the trees
With wooden prop and wings of cloth
Being careful not to sneeze.
I wish I was a cauliflower
With fractal-like florets
But please don't overcook me (Raak) Yeah, all right, :-)
Else I'll get the sweats
I swoop above the cabbage fields
To look for Peter Rabbit
Airborne death falls from the sky
The vultures dive and grab it.
I wish I was a Brussels sprout veg cascade!
Fresh-steamed and dipped in butter
Best Brassica that ever was
"I hate you!" children mutter
I wish I were a curtain (Softers) About right. :-)
Upon a Broadway stage
I'd be raised revealing stars
From Vaudeville's golden age
A second use for cabbages
Which very few folks know
Is in machines of Babbage's
To smooth the data-flow.
Excellent stuff. Bravo those people
I wish I were a Pearly King Here Here!
A cockney through-and-through
Robed in gaudy sequinned bling
And act 'oity-toity too
I wish I were a Weetabix
Or two - they're best in pairs
But quick, I go all soggy
If with liquid one prepares
I wish I was a Metro train
My headlights incandescent
'Neath the streets I would wind
In ecstasy transcendent.
A duck is sleeping on the tracks
Its head beneath its wing
It doesn't hear the closing train
Now it's dead, poor thing re last one: I would have thought someone would have spotted something like - "N'ere stopping at the 'Crescent" but there you go.
We're stopping at the "Crescent"
Let's all get out and look
This station looks quite pleasant
Aye, fancy, in't it, chuck?
A smart and well-kept station
Is wond'rous to behold
It fills me with elation
And makes me brave and bold.
I wish I worked for TfL
They're full of japes and stunts
When storms blow leaves across the lines
I think "Those useless people."
I wish I didn't have thith lithp
'Cos really I'm dead hard
I'll thmack the thod what takth the pith
Or callth me a wetard ...and fair enough...
I'd like to spend my life at sea
A-seeking grog and plunder
And have a girl in every port
Who's willing to go under Yeah, mine's hanging in the hall, thanks.
I wish I'd been a Chippendale
In lycra posing thong
However, I am but a weed
And won't reveal my dong
I wish I were a checkout clerk
With barcode-reader thing
I'd wear my name-badge upside-down [Soft/Raak/Rosie/blame] Genuinely laughed out loud.
Of Tesco I am King.
Outside the supermarket
Beside the bottle bank
I'll take myself in hand right now
There's only me to thank aha!
It doesn't take a lot to find - [pen] tee hee
You've nothing in your purse [pen] :0)
So stick it on the credit card [pen] thank you
And let the debt get worse aka Patience Strong.. Would someone give me a break from moralising last lines please?!
I count my money every day
It takes me all the morning
Whoever said that crime don't pay?
They've not read the safety warning to put this one to bed
I like to dress in orange garb
and paint my buttocks blue
Then storm the pitch at Boundary Park
And entertain the few.
I smeared my shins with marmalade
Said Paddington one day.
Mr Gruber frowned and shook his head
"Sticky little bears can't play." ...there.
I wish I could be somewhere else
And even then, not there
Where'er it is I seem to go
I'd rather be elsewhere.
I've just come back from nowhere
Or Redditch, as it's called
Up there they talk quite funny
As they think "called" rhymes with "carpet". Eh?
I wish I had a time machine
Like that I once had soon
This time I'll read the user guide
No matter how jejune
I wish I were a molecule (Phil) V good!
Of purest anthracite [Rosie] I used to have a chemistry teacher who pronounced it "mow-lay-queue-all",
I'd rule a landscape miniscule
With my atoms all packed tight
If I had much more money
I'd buy myself some friends
I'd bask in sycophantic praise
In my Mercedes-Benz
April makes me happy
September makes me sad
April is quite crappy [Rosie] Ta! [Quendalon] Minuscule is the correct, if widely unknown, spelling
But September is rad! bipolar? [Phil] Even I've fallen for that one... classic Graeme Garden new definition for it though =)
I wish I was the Taj Mahal
All marble pure and white
Best Asian grub in Colliers Wood
It hits the spot just right [Phil] You are correct! I'm so embarrassed. I feel small -- nay, minuscule. :-)
I wish to find Nirvana
Or any sort of grunge
Maybe AC/DC
Or Napalm Black Death Gunge.
I'm off to visit Shangri-La
And learn the secret truth
Of jet lag, crap food, cancelled flights
LHR T5 forsooth!
I've been around the world again
But when I got back home
My bags were still in Cairo
My underwear in Rome
I'm glad I'm not a terminal
With baggage all astray
And I'm glad I'm not an airline
In terminal disarray
I wish I was a marmoset
In marmalade or jam
'Cos I am a real sweet tooth
Don't like green eggs and ham.
I wish I had some oobleck
To spread upon my toast
To eat with my Green Eggs and Ham
While I'm reading next door's post
I wish I manned a tower crane
Armed with a wrecking ball
I'd be every building's bane
In Telford, first of all. Pandering to popular taste, though Swindon, Basingstoke and Crawley would have done.
A nuclear bomb and Bracknell
Go like toast and jam
This should be known more widely (SM) I used to work there (Met Office) 1964-66. A soulless dump even then.
So I'll set up Auto Spam - which gets rid of that one - phew
I have a proposition
To end this sentence with
That's such a supposition
From mister Simons Mith Oblig.
I wish I were a lumberjack
Hanging round a bar
I'd wear long frilly dresses
Just like my dear mama - oblig.
A fact that few consider
Regarding soccer moms
Is that their little poppets
To matches carry bombs
Rule one is that Thou Shall Wear Socks
Rule two is to not catch the Pox
Ah, this is a limerick, yes?
I wish that I were hosiery
Wrapped 'round a woman's thighs
Instead (here's full disclosury)
I just dreams and sighs
I wish I were a proper noun
And not a proper twit
I wouldn't mislead my online friends
By pretending I'm a wit
I wish I were a raspberry [Softers] Precisely the line I nearly put in yesterday!
Blown in your direction
Then I would really signify
Contempt for your complexion
Spare the rod and spoil the child
So whack him with a kipper
The little sod has run quite wild
Who'd ever have a nipper?
I wish I were a bumblebee
I'd bumble hither-thither
Up to the point when you might say - go on - swear out loud. You know you want to.
Fuck it, then. Why dither? (Chalks) Oh, I do, but actual invitations are scarce.
I wish I was a potted plant
A fern or aspidistra
I'd live in conservatory
De-dum te-tum de-dah -life's too short to faff around with impossible rhymes and nonsensical third lines :-)
I wish I had more patience
With Software's last third line
I wish I'd thought before I wrote My fault - I must have had a brain fart
Contrition, thus, is mine. (pen) Which orifice is involved in these eruptions?
I wish I owned a parrot
I wish I owned a parrot [pen] confession is good for the soul ;o) + More brain farting!
Oh I wish I owned a parrot
But I don't.
I've thought a lot about this line
Perhaps I've over-thought
But when I think about my thoughts
I get really overwrought
I wish I were a beer mat
For real ale not for lager
Anything that I soaked up
Would serve to end this saga (mercy killing)
I wish I were a Riesling
Or maybe a Gewurz
Instead I'm just a pale Soave
Life's so unfair, it hurts
I wish I was a mezcal worm
Condensing boozy vapours
In stasis there I would remain
A source of mental capers
I would I were a pint of ale
As clear as amber dew
I'd sit upon my beermat
Anticipating you
As swift as Summer Lightning
Your cooking passed through me
The thunder rumbles on, though
As does the smell of brie
I wish I were an antelope
An ungulate or deer
I'd skip across the grassy plains Do I sound like a lumberjack? Hello, Darren. Where have you been, then?
And wonder why I'm here
I like to play upon my oud
Or my didgeridoo
But as for my soprano sax
it always leaves me blue
I wish I were a tangerine
I really don't know why
They say I'm prone to whimsy
My head floats in the sky
I wish I were a dicky-bird
A-sitting on the fence
I'd then uncover what occurred
If I were not so dense
To wait and watch and listen
While drinking whisky sours
Is, I think, a great fun way
To while away these hours
To fart and belch and chunder
Is what every Aussie loves
So is it any wonder
They don't quite sound like doves. v few rhymes
I wish I was the Ace of Spades
So black and curved, yet pointed
We aces all are renegades
When trumped we're disappointed.
I wish I were a saxophone
All levers, pads and keys
I'd be blown and fondled
Is no-one going to finish this bugger? It's not that difficult, surely, and it has stood here for 4 days.
Right between the knees
For hours I stood and waited
For any sign of you
I sighed and contemplated
Stalking someone new.
I wish I were a chainsaw (Quen) That's the 'cello, surely. :-)
I'd really get a buzz
From taking part in massacres
And perplexing Texas fuzz
I wish I were a plank of wood
With no termites around
By carpenters I would be nailed
By creosote be browned.
I booked a flight to Katmandu - Last three - neat :-)
It seemed a good idea
I then went on to Timbuktu
Tomorrow, Llwynypia. It rhymes, it scans. Look it up. Mwa-ha-ha-ha!
I traveled to the Isle of Man
(The third leg of my trip)
I spent three days in fun Milan
Some tw*t put me in knip - I dunno - I'd barely uttered the word scaloppini... and there he was, brandishing his Mario Batali Oil Drizzler ...
Begone, vile knippieri! (Phil) V good
You've blighted my whole game [irach] Very nice Texas line above, especially the internal "x" repeat
(My mother said: Be wary
If Maelberg's and Beck's are the same)
This isn't quite a poem
Although it rhymes and scans
The words just come a flowin'
And look best in Gill Sans.
I wish I were a sonnet
That perched upon a tree
But then would someone read me?
Yes, arborists certainly
O! if I were a petal
And you a honeybee
I'd love your sweet antenna tickle
As you crawl over me
All things that squirm and wriggle
Are a delight to me
Ooh, how I love those maggots
How they enhance a brie!
I wish I were a paper bag [Rosie] Deft!
For airsickness on a plane
I'd catch all those nasty bits
Your loss - recycling's gain. (Tuj) Cheers.
To loop the loop is my delight
All on a springtime morn - [Rosers] neat finishing on last two
When up is down and down is up
Invertedly airborne
It started in the treehouse
It continued in the shed
It traumatised my wee mouse
Which came into my bed.
I wish I were a critic
Of literary works
I just love lambasting authors
Solipsistic berks!
I swung my axe with gusto
I chopped something in half
I put the vid on YouTube
Please add an epitaph.
Three cheers for "last line" Rosie
He's really on a roll
No matter what our prose be,
With Rosie, it's not droll
I really am most flattered . . . no last line this time . . .
And so you should be, chum!
Because you have a way with words
Stand up to roll of drum!
In spite of all the plaudits
Pride's a Deadly Sin
Some rank it first of seven
But I think Sloth should win
[Simons] I was going to post that line. But then I couldn't be bothered.
I wish I were a sinner
Evil of intent
I'd take my cues from Lucifer
On chaos I'm hell-bent!
A-sitting cross-legged on a cloud
Reciting a Lim'rick out loud [SM] Are you in the right room?
With my head lowly bowed go with the flow
(I've no right to be proud)
I wonder if this is allowed
I'm glad I'm back to normal
Whatever 'normal' is
It's less than semi-formal
Just not quite the biz
I'm glad I've regained consciousness
I thought I'd be dead forever
But how shall I escape this box?
That's my next endeavour.
I'm taking half of your estate
I think it's rightly mine
Since I am your conjoined twin
Sign on the dotted line
As I awoke this morning
My little dream was scotched
I knew I'd made a boo-boo
'Cause my tartan sheets were blotched - I'll get my jacket then ..
I wish I were a referee
'Cause I look good in black
And what's more I'm a bastard
And common sense I lack
[Rosie] I remember once seeing some "humorous" foreign language translations in preparation for a big football tournament - Italia 90 World Cup maybe. The one I always recall is "Bastardo" = Referee. Still makes me chuckle.
I wish i was caddis fly
Skimming o'er the water (Bigsmith) The thing is "Bastardo" is actually an Italian town and surname.
I'd keep and eye out for the trout
And the salmon's hungry daughter
I wish I were a paperclip
I'd straddle many pages
And though I am dispensable
I pay my maker's wages
I wish I was a stocking top I have a precise idea where this one might go, but I wonder if anyone else gets it?
Encircling a fine leg [pen] This may be off your female beam, given my gender
Mmm, cricketers in lingerie
In mid-slip, for which I beg
It really wasn't cricket
But more like table tennis
My stocking tops went off the boil
as Nancy said to Svennis It's the tatty denim jacket...
A Viking who ate much salt cod
[irach] is your mind really on this?
let's try a revamp:

I wish I'd been a Viking

Intent on rape and pliiage
Because I have a liking (Assuming it's 'pillage' not 'pliiage') please, go ahead...
To escape this tiny village.
I'd love to be a warrior
I'd warry and I'd warry
But dressed in all this armour
I'd not get quizzed by MORI. Non sequiturs - c'est moi.
"Morituri te salutant"
Was once to Caesar said
So then he went and conquered
Who said that Latin's dead?
Sorry if you all know this one, but, back in the mid-seventies two years' study of Latin was still compulsory at my school. Handwritten in the front of my (very old and much used) textbook was this wonderful little ditty: "Latin is a language, As dead as dead can be, First it killed the Romans, And now it's killing me...."
I wish I'd been a Roman Last one v good
And lived the Roman ways
I'd doff my toga in the baths
With all the other straight people moving right along...
Latin is a language
With endings and declensions
It's quite the grammar sandwich
With classical pretensions
How fond I am of Kipling
Of Kim and Gunga Din
Of verandah-settled tippling
Small tonic, lots of gin.
I wish I'd lived in days of Raj
With my hookah and my bhisti
A most impressive entourage
Quite unlike E L Wisty.
I want to turn the decades back
And have my time again
Well, maybe not the early days
'cause teething was a pain
I wish I could remember
Why I came upstairs
But I'm sure that it will come to me
Perhaps I'm hiding from the Blairs?
a merciful end...
I wish I was a dentist's drill
A-grinding at your teeth
I'd snigger as I hit a nerve
And the touchy stuff beneath. (Softers) You BASTARD :-)
I wish I was an albatross
A soaring o'er the briny
I'd check out female Albatrii I know...
E'en though my willy's tiny. (Botherer) That's all right then. :-)
I wish I were an eagle
Perched on my cliffside aerie
Bunny rabbits, watch your back
I feel a little queerie
I would I were a hummingbird
Sipping nectar dawn to dusk
I'd beat my wings so very fast
I'd not have time to busk There, that's that then
I wish I were Geordie (Softers) Well done. I found that one impossible.
I'd call everybody man
I'd preface statements with "Why aye"
And shirtless try to tan (Rosie) busk and musk were the only words I could think of so was hinting at working up a sweat...
I'd love to sip some Earl Grey tea
With rusk and homemAde scones
I'd feel so very dignified
Talking in snobbish tones that's how I pronounces it
I wish I were a white van man
Foot hard on the floor
I'd rob the middle classes blind
And undercharge the poor Poetic licence invoked
I wish I was the Moomintroll
But why I just don't know
Perhaps it is the Snork Maiden
Her norks are rather droll
I paint my feet with mayonnaise
And stand on Regent Street
But only on those sunny days
When rats deserve a treat
In Noorvik lives a noble moose
The monarch of the tundra
He grazes lichen all the day
And fresh leaves by the hundre(d)
That's a point on your poetic license, Mr Raak. We'll be watching you.
The oboe is a woodwind
And has a double reed
The clarinet has only one
Which quite fulfils it's need
Oh, please, lend 'us a tenner
I'm short of a few bob [Kim] scan a bit sus, there, mate :o)
A fiver simply will not do
'Cos I'm a boozy slob.
[Softers] Oh, please, lend 'us a tenner - 's wrong wi' that?
[Kim] Sounds a bit limerickish to me.

Anyway:
I wish I were a bookie

I'd make more dough than bakers
So get my share of nooky
With the movers and the shakers
I have a niece called Sunny
By name and nature too
She wants to join the Moonies now
The silly little moo
Curses! Simulposted and with a very similar line.
I like my Brie all runny
Disgusting though it looks
As long as it's not furry
Then I'd throw it at the rooks
I wish I was a Bo Peep sheep
All lost and undiscovered
But my mistress for me would go seek
She really would be bovvered
I wish I were a conker
And be the conkering hero
But 'gainst the oven-hardened champ
My chances approach zero
I wish I were a-sunbathing
A-naked on my porch
Scandalising passers-by
Who giggle while I scorch
I wish I were the gas-man
I'd cut off your supply
And that would be a gas, man
Because I'd make you cry.
Step on the gas man!
I'm flying down to Rio
Sugarloaf Mountain beckons
My jouney is con brio
Or so the Missus reckons...
I wish I were a real cool cat
And stunningly good-looking
Dick Whittington would disown his
And I would get his booking
I wish I were a High Court judge
Doling justice from the bench
I wish they'd bring back hanging
That'd make the buggers blench!
I wish that Keira Knightley's toes
Were hairy, just like mine
Instead they're varnished in bright hues
But I only counted nine
I wish I were an athlete
With awesome washboard abs
Enhanced by ev'ry drug there is
Including androgenic mAbs (monoclonal antibodies, that is...)
I wish I was in Heckmondwyke
I tire of Cleckheaton
My head is all messed up and like
A carpet, beaten. In another life I used to deal with a computer company based in Heckmondwyke
I wish my elephant would tread
A little more discretely
But when I tell him, "Whoa, Fred!"
He loses it completely.
My love is like a red, red rose
That's been decapitated
By someone who sadly knows
Bugger, something fouled up - it should read:

How much its overrated

What the f...

I wish that I could turn back

And not screw up this time
Were there but a BUTTON I could press
I could go back and have a second attempt at making this line scan as well as rhyme
I wish I were a satnav
That told you where to go
Then I would tell you to sod off
Sounding like Seb Coe onwards...
I wish I was a dwarf star
In a fairground freaky show
I'd shave the bearded lady
Which part you'll never know.
I wish i was a Punk Rocker
With acne, grease and bile
My ears all full of safety pins,
My vocabulary vile
I wish I were an aerial
A Yagi not a dish
Grabbing waves ethereal Why has this sat here for a week? It's not difficult.
Is that too much to wish?
I'm glad I'm not a poofter
Or a drag queen with a pouf
And though I'm homophobic
I like a bit of rouf.
A ladder in my stockings
A stairway to your dreams?
Held up by suspenders
And other fiendish schemes.
I wish that colonoscopies
Were broadcast on the telly
Just the place for yet more crap
To turn our brains to jelly
[i,p,R,S] V. Good
I wish I'd done some thinking
Before I chose to speak
So now my foot is in my mouth
It's been there all the week.
I wish I was an alpaca
Instead of being a llama
But then again a camel
Is one to cause a drama
I wish I were a farmer
With fields all bare and ploughed
I'd grow my hops and barley
No trespassers allowed
Alas, the fields are flooded
So let us all grow rice
Now, now, please don't have a paddy
Paddy leeches aren't nice
I wish I were a boxer
Rather than a scotty
Or even a dalmatian in a desperate bid to get this moving again
Costing fifty zloty. Crap, but it'll do. (CdM) Well done. No-one's fault really.
[Rosie] I was expecting "dotty" :-)
I wish I had the foresight
To know what banks to short
Then I'd make a killing [Rosie] I thought that I'd primed it for the last line to be something like "Cos my nose is snotty" but there you go ...
If I'd sold what I bought sorry for the doublepost, but it just seemed right
I wish I was a chimpanzee
Tossing off with vigour
I'd stare at you from in my cage
(For chimps that's so de rigueur)
I do so wish I could speak French
The language of romance
Much better than the Double Dutch
"Take off der pants, der pants!"
O! Would I were a poet!
My verse, it would astound
And what it lacked in scan and rhyme
I'd make up with sheer sound.
I wish I were a sculptor
Wrestling with wet clay
Trying to create beauty
In a Venus de Milo way
I wish I was a frisbee
Spinning through the air
I'd land in someone's picnic
With buoyant savoir faire
I like my steak done meejum rare
Blood-stained, not dripping red
Served up with crispy onion rings
And crusty, warm French bread *rumbles*
I wish I were a salmon [Pen] Nicely topped and tailed
Swimming to my spawning ground
And though I'm going 'gainst the flow
My methodology is sound I wonder why some "stick"?
I wish I were a stick insect [Software] I think it has to do with the movement of the stick market
Just like Peter Crouch
I'd stick one in the Kazakh's goal
I really am no slouch
I wish I were a Two-toe'd Sloth
I just hate having five
I'd spend each day just hanging on
To prove that I'm alive.
When I switched on my telly
The news was far from good
I've lost a lot of money
So let's play Robin Hood.
When I switched on the wireless
To hear Evan Davis drawl
I sat and quietly panicked
It made my skin just crawl
I wish I were an ingot
Locked up in Fort Knox
Safely away from mayhem
In Uncle Sam's steel box
It's not the way I planned it
It's not like it should be
Alas, it's all gone pear-shaped
But it suits me to a tee
I wish I was a chimney sweep
Just like Dick Van Dyke
I'd stick my brush right up your flue
And shake it, if you like. My coat? How kind......
I wish I were Italian
Ruthlessness plus charm
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