Dujon -

Why Bother: Those contestants from You've Been Sued! who didn't make it through the series. That is, they are broke and bonkers. All failed idiots to be placed in a confined space for as long as it takes for one of them to be, literally, the 'last man standing'. The prize is a lifetime of care (to be provided by the show's sponsor, the NHS).

Projoy - Waking with Sinus Sores - an indepth, endoscopic look at infections of the nose.

Rosie - Suburb! This week Kirsty Young shows off her teeth and tits in some of the nicer parts of Basingstoke. Next week - The thrills of Didsbury.

Projoy - (I had one more world's worst airline announcement: "Ladies and Gentlemen, if you look out of the left side of the plane you should be able to see the Sears Tower hoving into view. If any passenger can give me one reason to go on living in the next 120 seconds, I might not steer this goddamned plane into it.")

RedSnapperi - Pigsties of the Rich and Famous. Check out the lifestyle of the pigs of the filthy rich and famous at their country estates. See how the other half wallow. The first Episode "And I am a Material Sow" features Miss Piggy, Madonna and Guy Ritchie's 's prize pig at their country estate in Dorset.

irach - MC Five-O A fast-paced drama along the lines of the acclaimed old Hawaii Five-O filled with quick-witted verbal sleuths who pursue ne'er-do-gooders (while trying to one-up one another) through the London underground. Filled with a host of unique and most remarkable characters, such as Chalky, Projoy, the enigmatic CdM, Dujon, RedSnapper, Dandalf, Raak, blamelewis (the pernennial scapegoat), I'mNotJohn (oh yes, he is!), d.c., nights, PaulWay and the arch-villain irach, among others.

blamelewis - Hmmm... scapegoat... The Goat Hunters pseudo-scientific docu-drama approach to regional farming programs. Some serious chick who used to be on the Bill and Nick Ross sit all night in a straw filled shed in the Cotswolds freezing their arses off, while three geeks rejected from Time Team prepare sophisticated detection equipment salvaged from the nearby barn. Meanwhile in the warmth of the studio Peter Snow interviews a clergyman about whether there is a dog.

Raak - The Old News Channel, showing 24-hour reruns of what was happening today exactly 1, 5, and 10 years ago.

Projoy - [Raak] I'd watch that!

Projoy - Unabridged Grown-Up Social Inclusion Jackanory - care in the community patients and members of linguistic minorities read out books like War and Peace or Middlemarch from cover to cover. Improves their English and entertains all at the same time!

Projoy - The Pistil Maze - teams of executives from Surrey must locate pollen and pollinate a flower in 45 minutes.

Rosie - Keep Left! More exciting footage from the Croydon LBC bollard-replacement team. Contains strong language.

Falstaff - Shakespeare Mimed - If a sonnet falls on deaf ears, would it sound as sweet? Or, if you choose, imagine Hamlet masking emotion, adorned in only a snug leotard, delivering his soliloquy to an audience of the hearing impaired.

ImNotJohn - Changing Gardens A team of earthmovers come along and pick up your garden and dump it on your neighbour's, while they try to do the same to you. A laugh a minute as the JCBs clash in the streets.

[Raak] It was news of 25 years ago and it was called All Our Yesterdays. I used to watch it regularly.

Projoy - Plaque! A History - presented by Janet Street-Porter.

Projoy - Children's Boxing

Raak - Tomorrow's World, a weekly magazine programme detailing all the latest environmental disasters, wars, mad science, political corruption, social disintegration, and all the other reasons why we're all doomed and everyone should just stick their head in an oven.

Dujon - Lust: A show which is expected to run for many seasons. It will include such luminaries as Michael Jackson, Michael Parkinson, Michael J Fox and a sprinkling of other Michaels who will analyse in depth the last five years of reality television. This show will include everything from childrens' television to deep and meaningful interviews and, of course, nudity. Although things could get shaky at times, it will be the reality show to end all reality shows. Not to be missed.

Falstaff - Nine Lives - With a new breed of pampered kitten featured each week, a method approach delving into the myth that the domesticated cat [Felis domesticus] can surmount eight of nine fatal accidents. [Directed by Quentin Tarantino of 'Pulp Fiction' fame.]

Raak - Naked Big Brother

Rosie - 24-hour Rolling News Watch very serious people tell you about small earthquakes in Chile all day long.

Projoy - The Household Cavalry - Some shows focus on families or neigbourhoods with problems: arguments, children's discipline, debt and cleaning are all fixed by practical help and talking. The Household Cavalry is a wholly new concept. They only intervene in the most severe cases - the ones where hope of a peaceful solution is lost and only a violent slaughter of at least half the family with Kalashnikov assault rifles will really work. Ex-SAS Captain Rigby Mates leads the gun-toting team, flying into trouble spots on poor estates across the UK and cutting down the number of ASBOs - permanently!

Projoy - Paedowatch - Live coverage of the release of convicted child sex offenders and moment-by-moment accounts of their re-housing. If you want to pop around, their names and addresses are given on screen at the end of each episode, when the camera crews will drive off.

Dujon - Witch Kitchen: Be amazed, be astounded, be gobsmacked! This show has been in the making for years and would have been available on your screen two seasons ago if it were not for the unfortunate passing of some of the contestants. See the craft of the modern chav and the methods necessary to bring about an untimely death. Marvel at the knowledge of the fields and hedgerows of merrie olde England displayed by this disparate group of wannabees. You be the judge (no one else would take on the job). Can you match this in your own culinary exploits? Can you identify the

RedSnapper - Hungarian Scrabble: Watch Istvan Csabo and Attilla Szonyi, Hungarian national Scrabble champions duke it out at the Budapest Invitational Tournament. The suspense mounts as Istvan decides whether it is better strategy to use his "Z" in the word "zsoltan" and settle for a double word score, or try for a triple word score with "szeged" but then open up the possibility of his opponent building onto the "Z" as well.

Raak - Who Wants To Be Enlightened? Contestants answer a series of koans and must decide whether to stop at the bodhisattva level or risk all to win ultimate liberation from the wheel of existence.

Rosie - The Sty At Night Amazing infra-red footage from farms in Lincolnshire. With David Attenborough.

Raak - Crucify Him! A religious version of Room 101, in which the guest explains why some religious figure deserves crucifixion. Hosted by the Rev. Ian Paisley.

Dujon - Songs of Days A show where people of various sects combine to sing songs (classics such as A Hard Day's Night, Days of Wine and Roses, Summertime, The Umbrellas of Cherbourg, Singing in the Rain and, of course, the unforgettable It's raining it's pouring) whilst under the influence of strange substances. Even those who cannot sing or read are given free texts to follow. For obvious reasons the winner is usually the cameraman.

Falstaff - You've Been Framed! - The life of a model citizen is interrupted by actors posing as Federal Agents, who will wisk him away to be accused of a crime he did not commit. You will be there for his interrogation, incarceration, and the hilarious sham of trial in a kangaroo court where he is to be represented by the court appointed Law Firm of 'Penn and Teller'. Laugh with us as he is insanely railroaded through damning testimony given by willing acquaintances and close family members whom are provided a script and made privy to the hoax. Ultimately he is to be sentenced to die in the Electric Chair. Will he be able to cope in the isolation of solitary confinement or will he hang himself with a bedsheet? Be prepared in the Season Finale, for startling revelations when he makes his confessions known to a priest and forces down a final meal before being strapped into the death chair. Tantalized by the possibility of a Governor's pardon, observe him squirm and perspire as the seconds t-i-c-k away and time runs out, only to have the spectators jump up and shout "YOU'VE BEEN FRAMED!" once the switch is thrown. Can his heart take it? Tune in and find out. Only on FOX.

Raak - They Think It's All Over. Video diaries of the suicidally depressed.

d.c. - Grave Silence: The Metamorphosis of David Spence The camera will accompany David Spence into the grave without the traditional embalming. The entire series is 3D live feed via night vision camera's from the confines of a pine box buried six feet beneath the sod of London's own Kensal Green Cemetery. Devoted viewers will witness Davids' rapid transformation as his corpse is beleaguered by moisture, mold, decomposition, and a breeding pair of egyptian scarabs introduced to entertain the morally challenged.

Rosie - Batch of the Day The crazy, wacky world of SmithKlineBeecham Quality Control inspectors. (see Choices.)

irach - Cooking Show Bloopers. Culinary disasters from the annals of cooking show history. Reminisce with your favourite moments from the past in this weeks's episode, where Julia Child battles with a collapsing souffle, Yan uses sugar instead of salt in making Hot and Sour Soup, Cajun chef Prudhomme cooks up a goopy, glutinous gumbo, Madhur Jaffrey accidentally spills garam masala powder onto the hot stove, and chef Jamie Oliver cooks up pasta really, really al dente.

Dujon - Beast Enders: Only available on pay-by-view plans and your details will be handed over to the police.

Raak - Vladimir and Estragon: a sitcom adaptation of Waiting For Godot.

Wol - Dish of the Day, in which a luvly lass has a lorra lorra laffs picking her favourite bloke from a line-up of three - who is then killed, cooked and served up to the studio audience.

irach - Amour-ican Idol : A multi-episode contest show, wherein all contestants sing the same one song, the 1961 hit Chanson D'Amour in a variety of musical styles. In the first of the sixteen-part series viewers will get to see and hear the likes of contestants Loopy Lovey Dove performing a "gangsta-rap" version, Heidi Kakophoniker with her yodeling version of the song, and a group called the Jeebies performing it in falsetto. The MC of the show is Ed Nauseum.

Projoy - I guess there's always also 24 hour live cam feeds from Mornington Crescent

Audience - *shouts, screams, generally goes wild for Projoy*

Stagehand - "OMG! Hoist the curtain! Hoist the curtain! It's crushed Kenny!"