penelope - Bond Street and something moves in my periphery of vison...

**SLAP!!**

*tastes* Marmalade... It's Deek's Gary!! *dumps the lifeless form of Gary in the doorway of a smart boutique and walks nonchalantly away.*

ImNotJohn - Close examination of the sett at Regents Park reveals that the hole goes straight down. Was it a mistake to import my badgers from Australia?

Deek - Now down to two, Alan and Craig seek refuge in a maintenance tunnel just along from Marble Arch . Suddenly they are sucked into a mass transit system worm hole and are dumped, uncerimoniously, onto the platform of Crystal Peaks station on the Sheffield Super Tram network. (check out http://www.supertram.com/map.html for further details)

Uncle Korky - Having assumed an ambush position behind the stairs at Mile End, I can hear a snuffling coming from the Central Line eastbound tunnel...

SLAP!

Hmmm... doesn't look like a badger... *tastes* Chocolate syrup? It's a bloody gopher! Will - sort it out!
Meanwhile, my four little black-and-white chrges have split up, and are now running amok in the tunnels of the central London area...

Will - I told you, I was just watching and releasing chocolate syrup coated gophers. Notice the little bit of machinery on the neck? That's the camera I'm using to watch.... releases another prepared gopher There, now I can continue to watch. BTW, Uncle Korky, you need to trim your nails....

Boolbar - *hurtles through Mudchute in hot pursuit of badger*

Poisoned Pigeon - Releasing four new badgers into play. Arsenic, Strychnine, Cyanide and Digitalis. Slap any of these badgers and you risk death in four moves! Last seen heading towards Finsbury Park

Deek - Alan and Craig take the blue line to Sheffield Station and hop on a train to Kings Cross. They were relaxing when they saw, coming down the train, a stealth badger. Quickly they snuck into club class and cleverly disguised themsleves and hand luggage. As the stealth badger passed below Alan... SLAP! Hmmm! Chocolate and David Beckham flavour again. The body of the stealth badger was flushed down the toilet somewhere near Luton. After that close shave, Alan and Craig arrived safely back in London.

Boolbar - *hurtles through Oval being pursued by crashpenguins*

ImNotJohn - Ducks into a side tunnel at Kings Cross St Pancras as he hears a snuffling coming from the darkness to his right.

Deek - Alan and Craig sneek down the tunnel and spot movement ahead. SLAP! Damsen Jam. The lifeless corpse of ImNotJohn's badger is left to rot by the side of the tracks. Alan and Craig hop on the cirle line and head for (cue sax solo) Baker Street.

Tuj - Theydon Bois. SLAP!!! Ah-ha, lemon jelly - Boolbar's I believe.

Deek - Jubilee line to Charing Cross. Sniffing the air, Alan detects a faint aroma of Chocolate & David Beckham. "Stealth badgers", cries Alan, "Coming this way". The only train available is on the Bakerloo line to Elephant & Castle. They quickly make their escape. "Phew, that was close", says Craig.

Deek - Alan then disguises himself as an elephant and Criag as a castle as they settle down for the weekend to rest up.

Boolbar - Shepherd's Bush and no animals in sight. [Tuj] That's my Nigella!

Tuj - Boolbar] Sorry. No, not really! It's a badger-eat-badger world! Dollis Hill oops!

Angus Prune - Forced to release my own badgers at St Johns Wood - Lister, Rimmer, Kryten and Holly - but the fools hurtle straight off to Dollis Hill

Deek - In order to avoid stealth badgers, crash penguins and gophers, Alan and Craig take Network Southeast to The Kings Very Cross / Saint Pancreas (is that cheating?). When they get there Craig says "Ow, my knee is hurting. I'm going to have to go and see Dr Steadman." He gets on the Picadilly line to Heathrow and boards a flight to Denver. "Bloody typical," cries Alan, "I've got to do it all by myself, again!"
Alan has been carrying this team for years with only mediocre badgers to assist him, what will we do when he retires? We could try and get the Dutch badger but I think I'd prefer the red and white one from the south coast. Hopefully the new badger we've just got from Yorkshire will be able to help. Sorry, I'm waffling

Boolbar - SLAP! - Aha! A creamy badger at Buckhurst Hill - I suspect one of Chalky's.

Inkspot - Not one of mine, Morgan, Geraint, Blodwyn and Megan are tucking into the remnants of a jar of strawberry seedless at Baker Street.

penelope - SLAP! Apricot...? It's one of my own!!!! Own goal, dammit. Now I'll have to retreat to Arsenal

Deek - It was quiet, too quiet. Alan carefully crept through the tunnels to Camden Town, just one stop away from Morn... No! Don't say it!

Angus Prune - Sending all four to Camden Road, but one of them the long way round via Heathrow Terminal 4

penelope (up at Arsenal) - SLAP!! Oops, sorry Thierry - I didn't realise it was you...*wink*

Tuj - Bank! Recharging jam supplies.

DrQu+xum - I've come all the way from Great Portland Street to slap a jammy badger, lovie!

Deek - Emergency badgers are parachuted in to Camden Town. Patrick, Nicholas and James join up with Alan, bringing fresh supplies of marmalade.

Will - Overheard at a secure, undisclosed station:
Man: "It's been quiet."
Woman: "Too quiet."

Pin - *drops*

Boolbar - *puts ear against wall at Bromley-by-Bow*

Will - First man: "Is that a badger?"
Second man: "No, not sure what it is but definitely not a badger."
First man: "You're right! Far too round for a badger!"
Second man: "I think it's a tumbleweed!"
First man: "In London??"

Tumbleweed - *(is actually a badger)*
*(attacks)*
NAAAAAARGH!

Will - *(stares at Tumbleweed)*
*(gets out special Badger teleportation gun, available only for spectators)*
*(fires, sending Tumbleweed to Aldwych*
*(shrugs)*

Flix - Rerouting badgers to Willesden Green by way of Wembley Park, thus remaining free of the Dollis Hill loop.

The Big Slap -

*!POW!*

Audience - *shouts, screams, generally goes wild for The Big Slap*

Tuj - That's the trouble with badgers, they just go comatose after a while. You have to give 'em euthanasia. Contoversial but necessary.

Boolbar - I think we'll declare that a draw. No-one was jammy enough to get through the badger ring. Perhaps we should allow nadgering in future.

Tuj - Boolbar] You could well be right there. Or maybe play 3-a-side. Or team play...

Kim - Team-play sounds good, I'd definitely join in with that.

Tuj - Kim] You wanna join The Raspberry Team then? So, how many teams would be good, do you reckon?