Is everyone here for the editorial meeting? Ok, good. Heavy news week this week, so only the best stories are going to get space. We'll start with Cheddar Headlines. Ten words max, and the headline can be self-explanatory as in 'The Independent', or horrendously convoluted, as in, erm, The Cheesy Headline Game. Once the headline is finished, I'd like a few words containing the story in a news style, please. Subs, clear your desks, and let's get the presses rolling. Spike it once we reach the usual back page move.
As a bizarre consequence of a change in the earths magentic field, wolves in Canada's Alberta province are starving to death. Scientists from the University of Manitoba today released research which shows that the migration path of the Caribou, staple diet of the Alberto wolves has changed dramatically in the last few years. The scientists blame a divertion of the earth's magnetic field which the caribou use to delineate their path through the frozen wastes of Northern Alberta for this change. The only solution say the scientists is for the wolves to be fitted with magnetic compasses which should allow them to realign themselves with the caribou's new found pathways through the wilderness. However animal rights activists from the CPS (Caribou Preservation Society) say that's just the wolves tough luck and it should be left to nature to sort ti out.
Calvin Klein's new scent, Unction For Men, was today blamed for one of the worst derailments in history. A small group of unmarried vestal virgins, escaping a plane load of sex-mad car mechanics from Canada, had gathered together on platform 8 at Birmingham New Street station to perform an experiment. Their aim was to mask their scent through the excessive use of Unction, thus covering their tracks. Sadly, they covered the wrong tracks... Observers said they used far too much perfume, thus creating a small flood which soon coated the rails in a slimy residue. As a result a Virgin train derailed in such an extravagent fashion that passengers were spread across a six mile radius.