Unabridged Grown-Up Social Inclusion Jackanory - care in the community patients and members of linguistic minorities read out books like War and Peace or Middlemarch from cover to cover. Improves their English and entertains all at the same time!
Shakespeare Mimed - If a sonnet falls on deaf ears, would it sound as sweet? Or, if you choose, imagine Hamlet masking emotion, adorned in only a snug leotard, delivering his soliloquy to an audience of the hearing impaired.
Changing Gardens A team of earthmovers come along and pick up your garden and dump it on your neighbour's, while they try to do the same to you. A laugh a minute as the JCBs clash in the streets.
[Raak] It was news of 25 years ago and it was called All Our Yesterdays. I used to watch it regularly.
Tomorrow's World, a weekly magazine programme detailing all the latest environmental disasters, wars, mad science, political corruption, social disintegration, and all the other reasons why we're all doomed and everyone should just stick their head in an oven.
Lust: A show which is expected to run for many seasons. It will include such luminaries as Michael Jackson, Michael Parkinson, Michael J Fox and a sprinkling of other Michaels who will analyse in depth the last five years of reality television. This show will include everything from childrens' television to deep and meaningful interviews and, of course, nudity. Although things could get shaky at times, it will be the reality show to end all reality shows. Not to be missed.
Nine Lives - With a new breed of pampered kitten featured each week, a method approach delving into the myth that the domesticated cat [Felis domesticus] can surmount eight of nine fatal accidents. [Directed by Quentin Tarantino of 'Pulp Fiction' fame.]
The Household Cavalry - Some shows focus on families or neigbourhoods with problems: arguments, children's discipline, debt and cleaning are all fixed by practical help and talking. The Household Cavalry is a wholly new concept. They only intervene in the most severe cases - the ones where hope of a peaceful solution is lost and only a violent slaughter of at least half the family with Kalashnikov assault rifles will really work. Ex-SAS Captain Rigby Mates leads the gun-toting team, flying into trouble spots on poor estates across the UK and cutting down the number of ASBOs - permanently!
Paedowatch - Live coverage of the release of convicted child sex offenders and moment-by-moment accounts of their re-housing. If you want to pop around, their names and addresses are given on screen at the end of each episode, when the camera crews will drive off.
Witch Kitchen: Be amazed, be astounded, be gobsmacked! This show has been in the making for years and would have been available on your screen two seasons ago if it were not for the unfortunate passing of some of the contestants. See the craft of the modern chav and the methods necessary to bring about an untimely death. Marvel at the knowledge of the fields and hedgerows of merrie olde England displayed by this disparate group of wannabees. You be the judge (no one else would take on the job). Can you match this in your own culinary exploits? Can you identify the
Hungarian Scrabble: Watch Istvan Csabo and Attilla Szonyi, Hungarian national Scrabble champions duke it out at the Budapest Invitational Tournament. The suspense mounts as Istvan decides whether it is better strategy to use his "Z" in the word "zsoltan" and settle for a double word score, or try for a triple word score with "szeged" but then open up the possibility of his opponent building onto the "Z" as well.
Who Wants To Be Enlightened? Contestants answer a series of koans and must decide whether to stop at the bodhisattva level or risk all to win ultimate liberation from the wheel of existence.
Crucify Him! A religious version of Room 101, in which the guest explains why some religious figure deserves crucifixion. Hosted by the Rev. Ian Paisley.