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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
The opening of a new site - Looks good so far.
Hurrah I'm the second one here!
I'm right behind, never fear
Take your hand off my knee
Or that expression of glee
Let's move things up to second gear
[erm...why wasn't I bold?]
let's see if this works
As the lim'ricks on rabs site got started
It wasn't for the squeamish or faint-hearted
But those that were bold
Let their talents unfold
While the rest of us merely farted! Mine's the purple velvet one with faux fur trim..
In 1775,
When MC at York first went live
The first move, they say
Was old Hendon Way
(An unusual place to arrive)
You're shutting your lids with a sigh Tupperware's UK offices were based on the top floor of the building I used to work in!
as people have found
for under a pound
You can get blown off by a guy! um, the dirty mac, please..
In the darkest recesses of Whitehall
The PM is holding a ball
It's Alistair Campbell's -
(His member's a shambles)
All mangled and terribly small
I can't get a date for tonight
Is my hair really that bad a sight?
My pheromone spray
Has a pungent bouquet
And the dog has run off in a fright
Lord Limerick is,sadly, deceased
he was last seen travelling East
To the end of line three
With the Maid of Tralee
And a horrible, slavering beast
'Well, it's not worth the effort,' she said
Whilst putting her husband to bed
"He seldom displays..."
"He usually just lays..."
"There and pretends that he's dead"
The baby is starting to crawl
so far his out in the hall
Reaching five miles an hour
WIth formidable power
Uh-oh - he's just stopped for a bawl
I've cleared a space under the stairs
For magic and other strange wares
Next door to a potion
I've some unknown lotion
That makes my hands covered in hairs
I've got a grenade in my case
So you'd better get out of my face!
Lest the Mad Pineapple
burst it to shrapnel I know it don't quite rhyme.
Sorry but it's a can of MACE! - sorry no one else was going to finish it.
Making sense over scansion and rhyme
Is often a complete waste of time
Cos if the words don't fit
They will in a bit
Hell, using too many syllables isn't a crime!
I've taken to riding a horse
but it's a pain in the bum, of course. Ouch!
But enough fiddle-faddle!
Take those spikes off the sdaddle!
[pen] 'blinkered', shurely?
And bloody well show some remorse!
I once had a wonderful dream
That I was passing a stream possible unfinished sentence alert
Of fine single malt whisky
Without taking the piss. Wee unfinished and dubious sense sentence alert...
Badger, quite drunk, shouted "FLEEM!"
Was that the exhaust that fell off?
I asked of a top hatted toff
He sneered down his nose
Out of which grew a rose
And caused the poor top toff to cough
My feeezer's encrusted with ice
And the pantry is chock full of mice Your feeezer? sounds painful
And as for the breadbin,
as well as the dustbin,
is covered completely with lice!
I have no sense of how to behave
Or indeed the way that I should shave
I have a good strop
and a rub down with a mop
And then I am oiled by my slave.
Adding a line because I was gazumped.
Whilst mowing the lawn in the nude
I was spied by my neighbor, the prude
With shears a-flashing
She came, a-dashing
And chopped off my daffodils, how rude!
On a whim today, I decided
To change sex again," he confided
But male or female?
He pondered by email
"Or perhaps I am just miss-guy-ded".
Whilst searching for sun, I found
A Kiwi, gagged and bound
I took off his helmet Oblig.
Which I nailed to the pelmet (In lack-of-rhyme mode there)
As he uttered a whimpering sound
It's spring, and the sap starts to rise!
A tumescence of frightening size !
*Break in space-time continuum*
Leaves me looking like I ate the pies
It came to me all in a flash
Why shouldn't I print my own cash?
It takes not much skill
To knock up a bill
And wait for the next Wall Street Crash
By jove, the weekend is here!
A cause, as ever, for cheer!
I shall gambol and caper
And read the newspaper
Until - no, it's Monday! Oh dear
And so we all trudge off to work
Dressed up like a crude, apeish berk.
It would be less bad
If only I had
Time to play moves, not just lurk
My passport is way out of date
The photo shot when I was eight
I was a boy in those days
Before a difficult phase
And, of course, 'twas before I met Kate.
I believe it's quite hard to rhyme orange
Yes, it is, and we've been there before.
Penelope has killed off one more
The blatant, man-eating whore! just kidding pen..
Her tastes are voracious
Her dress sense ... audacious? but what do I know ...
And I've heard that she consumes them raw You rotten swines :o)
I've invented a new kind of boot:
It sometimes emits a loud hoot
The heel is explosive
When touched by corrosive
but frankly, it costs too much loot.
Mohammed Said al-Sahaf I confess I sniggered when I spotted his name was an entire limerick line. The rhymes, of course, are up to you ...
Gave us all a jolly good laff
By always insisting
Iraq is resisting
And he's appearing on Saddam's behalf.
My friends, I have something to say.
My emotions can't get in the way.
I'm speaking with candour
I've got a big gander.
But sadly, I've nothing to lay. Now then, that's quite enough of all that. Move along now, please.
A green token at Notting Hill Gate
Is a tactic you can use to abate
A Circle Line Inversion
Without use of subversion
And lower the Harston Freem Rate
This technical talk is all greek
It's conventional wisdom I seek
For advice on a hat
Or which breed of cat
Or even the day of the week
  • The best breed of cat is the Moggy
    • I eat four when I feel a bit groggy
    I fry them with cheese Welcome Peneloope.
    After spraying the fleas
    Though I do find that makes them go soggy
    I want sausage, egg, chips and a tea
    That's for a friend, it's salad for me
    I'll have it with spam
    Washed down with a dram
    Of battery acid or three
    In case of emergency, you should
    Supply us with cold Yorkshire Pud
    A pint of warm ale,
    Which we slowly inhale
    Though we know it won't so any good

    ack! *do* any good... not "so"...

    I can spell but my proofreading sucks (drawing inspiration from ineptitude...)
    Eggs like a grandmother clucks
    Disapprovingly when
    are you coming? At ten?
    Those white-coated in their trucks.

    I remember the very first time
    Apologies - previous last line should read "Those white-coated men in their trucks" so much for proof-reading.
    Start again
    I remember the very first time
    I wrote my first limerick line
    It began with a word
    Writer's block then occurred
    A writer cried as he ran past
    "The monster that follows is vast"
    "So pick up your pen"
    "And let me know when"
    "It has finished its morning repast"
    There was a young lady from Crewe
    Who said not 'Good-day' but 'Adieu'
    For she went 'fore she came *parka please*
    She was never the same
    And I wouldn't like that - would you?
    The first day of summer is here
    And it's made my petunias go queer!
    They're drooping right over
    My four-leaféd clover
    Though I watered them with the best beer
    I've been stuck in the office all day
    With a pitchfork, a horse and some hay
    The resulting output *sidling towards coat rack*
    Means there's something afoot...
    The Amish have joined the twins Kray.
    Whenever I go to the shops
    Dow Jones rises but our FTSE drops
    One Euro is worth
    A fortnight in Perth (Scotland or Australia - you choose...)
    Or a ticket to Top of the Pops
    The kroner, peseta and lira
    Are no use on a trip to Madeira
    Not even escudos
    (Though they may earn you kudos)
    Will buy you a few pints of beer
    Enumerative Combinatorics
    Read at night, with a big mug of Horlicks,
    Is the very best thing
    To get back in the swing
    And to make you all true alcoholics
    A hairy young Vicar from Perth
    Should be given a very wide berth
    Lest his big hirsute mits
    Which are cold - he admits
    Be employed to assist giving birth
    Again unemployment is down
    Since everyone's becoming a clown
    simulposted - spooky! for I have a new job as a clown
    I perform in the House
    Where often I douse unfinished sentence alert..
    My wife, when she's in her best gown
    I wish I could be a buffoon
    And dance by the light of the moon
    I would prance like an elf
    Casting spells at myself
    And play Mahler on the bassoon
    A wonderful sight to behold
    Is rab (or so I am told)
    But snorgle, however
    (when clad all in leather)
    Makes poor Uncle Korky feel old I'm just asking for trouble, aren't I?
    [snorgle] Sounds like I owe your source a fiver.

    It seems pen's asking for trouble

    As I'm not quite as old as my double
    aside [rab] Can't bring yourself to write pen is on your own site to make it scan, eh? Why on earth not? ;o)
    But the double I've seen is
    [pen] Um... I was drinking a cup of tea at the time, which threw my scansion into disarray. Obviously.
    Now on The Tweenies invoking dubious rhyme
    And now my double is double bubble
    Whilst walking one day in Bangkok
    I happened upon Doctor Spock -- Keeping it clean; well, so far. :-)
    I asked his advice
    About pubic lice Sorry, Dujon, couldn't resist
    And then "Got the time on ya, cock?"
    Eurovision's come round again!
    So let's have a big hand for Spain
    'Cos they know how to dance
    So much better than France
    And list'ning to Norway's a strain
    And talking of strain:
    My diet is lacking in fibre a nice easy rhyme...
    My innards now flow like the Tigre
    It's not at all funny
    Why can't it be runny?
    And it's really not fun for my wiper. [I'm the Prince of Wales y'know]
    I'm in dire need of good advice!
    About the cost of herb and spice
    For I make pot pourri
    And I brew it like tea.
    Does it work to eradicate lice?
    Tonight, in the Big Brother House
    There will be an arrogant louse
    Who claims to know
    That Anouska will go
    OK, make that That Scott will soon go (who is from Liverpool)
    But will he talk or is he a mouse.
    sorry forgot a line.
    Is it fair to talk of mice and men?
    D'no. Good question Pen'.
    Why not speak of blatant floozies?
    Or of Tommy guns and Uzis
    Or of when we'll have lim'ricks again sorry, sorry -- I'm not usually a CAMREL activist ... but we are setting new records here. I don't think any of those lines scans appropriately for a limerick.
    In the quest for new methods of scansion
    < Mode= Huff >Oi, Oi, Oi!!! My line goes thus
    Is it fair to talk of mice and men... and I really don't see a problem with that or with any of the other lines.
    OTH, you are entitled to your opinion, but in your haste to make a point, you have chosen a line in which you have had to delete a syllable to make it scan. Perhaps you can now start us off on a suitable new scheme? ;o) < / Huff>
    We now return to our regular schedule... sorry to interrupt Uncle K, but I was simulposted.
    [pen] I really don't want to start another scansion war; god knows we have had enough of these. And I agree (and almost said, and should have said) that your line was ok except for the peculiar stress on a preposition. (Maybe you meant to set a limerick in which we would contrast talking of mice and men with talking to them? :-) ) But the other lines ... I'm sorry, but even with a lot of squeezing and twisting, they really can't be made to work. And, yes, I deleted a syllable. So what?
    Each line becomes prone to expansion
    The longer they get [pen] To be fair, I read your opener about 12 times and couldn't get it to fit what I consider a limerick pattern. But as CdM says, we don't want to go down the road of another scansion war (see the York archives for what happens when things get really ugly).
    The less well they vet
    And it all gets too ugly to mantion </scansion war> <pararhyme war> ...
    If you find yourself short of a rhyme
    Or your syllables all out of time
    Don't panic - just doodle
    Or suck on a noodle
    Or large Gin with tonic and lime
    Hurrah!

    When pen's full of derring and do

    s'funny, smells more like some poo. sorry Pen...
    No, in better light.. unfinished sentence alert
    the resemblance to shite
    Is this lim'rick. Now what shall we do?
    I once had a haddock called frank
    That I'd use to give children a spank
    The fish didn't mind
    Hitting a behind Yes, the maroon windbreaker. Thankye.
    cause he laughs all the way to the bank.
    "Stop thief!" came the cry from the bank
    said the man who was driving a tank
    Quite why he should yell
    well, no-one could tell
    but I suppose we've New Labour to thank
    Jonny Ball's a strange man on TV UK TV that is... I first remember him on Playschool.
    He said "Think of a number!" to me I always enjoyed his programmes!
    In refusing his game I wanted the car off choc-a-block
    I was only to blame Johnny Ball is a great man, and it is a tribute to him and to the dire state of contemporary children's TV that he would never make it today, on account of being over 12.
    For the subsequent puddle of wee
    It doesn't take a genius, you know
    to be able to write in the snow continuing the theme
    but calligraphy
    Whilst having a pee oblig, really.
    May result in a word overflow
    That President Bush is so smart!
    He gave Saddam Hussein quite a LART! LART = Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool, e.g. a sledgehammer.
    but Saddam's disappeared,
    behind a big beard
    And Osama Bin Laden's a tart lame, I know. *shrug*
    I'm so sorry, the news isn't good
    But we did everything that we could
    The defibrilator
    was unable to cater
    For a heart that was made out of wood
    A ride on the night bus to Romford
    Is a journey devoid of all comford [Yeah? Yeah? Wanna make something of it?]
    You part with your fare
    travel as far as you dare
    Then leap off and dash home just like Tom would [well - that's what HE told me and I have no reason to doubt him]
    On moving to Nik's shiny server
    We could scarcely contain our great fervour
    Our bookmarks are updated
    Download time truncated
    We're finally off that Bluecurve-r.
    D'oh! Forgot the bold!
    DrQu+xum is a forgetful chap
    That's why he suffered this mishap:
    He left out a tag
    But tags aren't my bag (qua pantsmc)
    He'll get it right next time, mayhap.
    Ignore not the rules of scansion
    Whether trochees, iambs or dipthong
    When being quiet anal
    When being quite anal obviously, although quiet anal possibly deserves some examination as a concept
    Complaints are morainal (OK, I used Rhymezone to find that one.)
    So fill out your lines with aplomb.
    A game of Celebrity Shares
    Will attract the bulls and the bears
    The trading is brisk [a gift of a rhyming opportunity]
    But better not risk
    All your assets. (But frankly - who cares?)
    While walking to work in the rain
    I danced as I felt quite insane
    [Bifurcating]I felt like Gene Kelly/I jumped in a puddle
    (as opposed to George Melly) / found a stranger to cuddle
    And sang out THAT well-known refrain / Then suggested acts base and profane [oo-er]
    The day you install a new bath
    Should be marked by drinking a swift half,
    But - beer or bathwater?
    Should I drink? Well I oughtta - weren't expecting that eh?
    Before I go down the bath path
    To make the best beef and veg. stew,
    First kill your cow. Then take two
    Bushels of sweet potatoes
    Fry them on a hotplate, close
    The oven, wait, serve, spear and chew - I like the creative scansion going on here!
    I once met a young plain-clothes nun
    Disguised as Attila The Hun
    Yet I (to my shame)
    Thought she was on the game
    Now Attila the Nun's on the run!
    I got caught out today in the rain
    With an outcome of very great pain
    I was poked in the eye
    And was told "Get me dry!"
    By the great and irate Michael Caine
    I wonder where porcupines sleep?
    On cliffs? In a cave? In the deep?
    Laying still and supine
    (All their quills must align)
    Else the prickles will tickle their feet.
    Be careful when you knock on doors
    Especially in the Azores
    You just never know
    You'll find on the loo
    P'raps Andrea or Jim from The Corrs... some well dodgy rhyming going on there!
    Do the light bulbs need changing in here?
    Who'll do it? And what's their career?
    The task is quite tricky
    The end might be sticky
    Let's just put it off till next year.
    Awww... and I thought someone would pick up on my feed line re: How many (people of a particular walk of life) does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Uncle Korky is feeling let down [mea culpa]
    And Chalky a bit of a clown
    Our lim'ricks lack wit
    Our rhyming is crap
    So it's good that our scansion is sound
    Penance complete! Further self-flagellation not required! :-)
    Take a deep breath, and let yourself go
    down to London on a very slow
    train, that breaks down
    In a Devonshire town
    Just south of Westward Ho
    Now, not wishing to come over all Westcountry on you... I believe Mr Ho is in Somerset, not Devon...
    Not that that need preclude somewhere lying just south of that. And in any case if moi geographee be nart in the roight koinda areahh, there's definartlee one ah them thassavam exclumashion markie jarbies afer 'Ho'. Oh God I wish I hadn't grown up in Carrrnwalll...
    Westward Ho! is indeed in North Devon. The main failing in the above the the absence of a railway line in the area Ho! Hum!
    Calamity! Apologies for the drunken outpourings. That'll learn me.
    Let's draw the line under that then :-)
    Geographical know-how is fine [but....]
    But where would you all like to dine?
    I know a good spot
    Where it won't cost a lot
    Though I hope you enjoy drinking brine
    I got lost on my way in to work
    My boss will think I'm on the shirk
    But my caravanette
    Is slippy and wet
    I went tits-up and felt a right berk
    That evening, I felt a right tit
    It was soft, warm and round, though a bit
    droopy, although
    I would like to know
    Which girl was the owner of it.
    Some men have remarkable breasts [hmmm . . must be open season on lewd sauciness - PantsMC is similarly obsessed. I blame Darren]
    Which show when the geezers wear vests [I don't think I'm particularly lewd or saucy. Not compared to most other people, anyway. In what way should the lewdness and sauciness be curtailed? Any suggestions?]
    You're not. T'was a joke.
    Such pendulous mounds [Nowt wrong with a touch of sauciness. It all depends on where the line that shouldn't be crossed lies, and that everyone is in agreement with it]
    Should be hid, on the grounds
    Of upsetting our VIP guests
    They say we're all getting obese
    But really we're just wearing fleece
    On our stag nights we leap
    right into the heap...
    of roast lamb laced with oodles of grease.
    The heat is still on Tony Blair
    And his lying colleague Alistair
    Now that wasn't quite true
    What they claimed they could do
    But at least they both tried, for a dare.
    Forgive me - for asking you this . . .
    Can you hold this while I have a p*ss
    it is nothing rude!
    although slightly chewed
    But beware, it's a mess when I miss.
    Whenever you start a new day
    Take a deep breath and yell, "Hip Hooray!"
    Then take off your pants
    Check your recent implants
    And your morals will then go astray
    I lay myself down now to sleep
    On this couch that I found going cheap
    But the springs aren't quite right
    I'll be up most the night
    Installing the ones from my jeep
    At lunchtimes, I eat quite a lot
    from the buffet - both cold food and hot
    My mid-afternoon snack
    Matches my brown anorak
    Which I flash in, more often than not.
    I noticed, whilst having a shower,
    That I'd developed my own super power
    "Eureka," I cried
    As I started to slide . . .oo-er
    On the soap for at least half an hour
    "She said she was nineteen, yer honour
    If I'd known, I would not have lain on her
    And bumped up and down (very highbrow!)
    And spun round and round
    It was later I knew t'was Madonna
    It's a 'rollover' weekend again
    And so I shall be stripping for men
    And then let them grope
    In the misguided hope
    *with a great effort of will, resists temptation to post line ending in "pen"*
    That their fumblings'll score ten out of ten. [CdM - am assuming that the above isn't line 5]
    The outcome is certain, that's true [CdM] You're too kind :o)
    A bed made especially for two Ooer, missus
    With a whip and a rope I'm in a funny mood..;)
    Plus some carbolic soap [snorgle :-)]
    And a drop of the best superglue.
    If you wear a hat, you should know
    That it brings you nothing but woe
    For when the wind blows
    From your head off it throws
    Thereby leaving your bald patch on show.
    Whilst driving a red Kia Pride
    I found a dead body inside
    It stank to high heaven
    So I drove down to Devon
    Where 'twas easier than Oxford to hide.
    I do hope that I am not overstepping the line
    Oh no! I've done it again!
    I've been caught 'below decks' with a WReN
    She gave her consent
    When our passion was spent
    To reveal all I knew to the men.
    In an effort to be more appealing
    I have plastered myself to the ceiling
    From this lofty abode
    O'er the family Spode
    I would welcome a cup of darjeeling [very Lewis Carroll]
    All above - muddy rarvellous!
    A mishap while I hoovered the floor
    Caused the hoover to suck up the door
    The windows and walls
    and even my smalls
    not to mention my Greenwing Macaw
    It's rainy and windy and wet well in Cardiff, anyway, and I'm going to damn well make you all suffer as well!
    No respite from that curry, as yet Terrible thing, IBS...
    I can still smell the sauce
    'Cos I'm farting in Morse sorry people - Uncle K's fault :-)
    So best dash, Dot, in case it should set
    They say that it's rude to stare
    But I really don't care
    Also, I smell
    Like the cesspits of Hell
    'Cause I bathed in yak's milk for a dare [Darren - that's your second smelly third line!]
    I suffer from awful BO
    You'll smell it wherever I go [That's my third!]
    My pox scabs are rotting [Darren - shame - I was feeding you a third line and we simulposted]
    And my groin is hotting [Hint: up]
    up by the hour, it's gonna blow!! [rab - hint taken, v subtly done :-)]
    I cannot believe it's not butter
    is not easy to say with a stutter
    So I'll spread it with jam
    Or bake it with ham
    Or beat it at golf with a putter.
    I appear to be missing a ball
    Said Adolph Hitler, to us all
    I'll take one of Goering's
    Cute spherical nose-rings
    And clip it to Eva Braun's shawl.
    I don't like the way that it sounds
    When love-making strays out of bounds
    And I'm in the next room
    On top of a broom
    But at least for divorce I have grounds
    I'm a hundred and twenty today!
    So unless I drop dead
    Oh dear - taking rudeness to faint new depths...*Don't I deserve head?*
    Before I waste slowly away [Don't be coy, pen - I'm sure we were all thinking the same :-)]
    Nothing wrong with a bit of bawdiness.
    That's not a limerick line, btw
    Now bawdiness just ain't my style lies, lies and more lies ;o)
    We'll leave that to Chalky and Kayl
    They prefer, so it's said,
    To say this instead:
    "I love how you shunt as I strile" (Have I had Kayl's pronounciation wrong all this time - i took it to rhyme with shale...? No criticism intended, just curious!)
    [blamelewis] I was never too sure, myself, but decided that Kayl is the only MC player I could think of whose name might rhyme, so I used a bit of limeretic licence. And are you telling me your name isn't pronounced bla-melloo-iss?

    It's high time that I wrote a first line

    You did a good job - that one's fine!
    The next one is bad
    The fourth one is trad
    And this last? Just call it asinine!
    Today I must trim all my warts
    So I can look good in my shorts
    The one on my heel
    Is starting to feel
    Like the ball from a basketball court.
    I come back to England tonight Really! First lot of Fish n' Chips for 4 months! Can't wait!
    Proving that I'm not that bright
    What's more, I will wear
    The pelt of a bear
    And thus be a nightmarish sight Sorry to do 3rd and 5th, but this one had lain around for far too long
    just an observation - limericks that begin with an 'actual' first-person experience are always tricky to follow . . .
    Whenever the clock chimes, I wonder
    Which cities I'll ravish and plunder
    For at 12.59,
    I think its the time,
    To steal, pillage and wrent asunder
    It's a hundred degrees in the shade
    And commuters' tempers are frayed
    For instant relief
    Penelope Keith
    Is free, in the Penny arcade.
    When Valéry Giscard d'Estaing
    Goes out to buy six petits pains
    There's not enough argent
    To feed him and his sergeant Pronunciation? What's that then?
    Aujourdhui et demain au matin.
    My legs have just melted away
    With my third hit of acid today
    A purple giraffe
    Has invaded my gaff
    Which I wasn't expecting 'til May
    I've married my step-son's third cousin
    Tongues are wagging nineteen to the dozen
    The consanguintee
    (See the family tree)
    Did not vote for Anders Fogh Rasmussen
    (That's the prime minister of Denmark, as you know.)
    If Ricky had've lost that number . . . bbcR2 playing here
    We'd be up to our ears in old lumber
    But Ricky is just
    Earning a crust
    Aboard that knackered old boat on the Humber     . . . thought I'd administer a swift but humane killing. Ricky obviously didn't capture imaginations. Moving swiftly on . . .
    Emblazoned across the wall
    Are the words, "This is nothing at all"
    "There is nothing to see"
    "If you don't pay a fee"
    But fork out and the sight will appall
    Nasturtiums are an edible bloom lovely in salads!
    Which are currently enjoying a boom
    But pansies, they say
    Will make you turn gay This is one of those oblig ones, isn't it
    And a tulip's a portent of doom.
    A great metropolitan man
    Alighted the train at East Ham
    He walked several miles
    Towards Chalfont St Giles
    And declared Mrs Trellis a sham
    I'm not taking prisoners today
    I will eat all who get in my way
    "Any chance of a fork?"
    I asked of a dork
    Then I tucked into him straight-away!
    When exposing a snake in the grass
    Be careful you act with some class
    Otherwise, keep it schtum
    By inserting your thumb
    And heading it off at the pass
    It's painful to make the admission
    That your power is from nuclear fission
    But it's safer than coal
    But on the whole
    just leave it to your electrician
    Garden sparrows, wrens, finches and tits
    Can all be assembled from kits
    Using small bits of wire
    And an old rubber tyre
    And a car engine, taken to bits.
    The beauty of avian construction
    Is the match of its form to its function
    You must get this right
    For the things to take flight
    Lest they plummet on down to destruction.
    The terrible thing about crows
    Is that I've got three stuck up my nose
    They peck at my eyes
    Unbutton my flies
    and crap all over my toes
    My budgie looks terribly strange
    I think it's got some sort of mange
    It's purple and green
    It's lost all its sheen
    And it's singing "Oh, Home on the Range"
    To make sense of the birds and the bees
    one must crawl on one's hands and one's knees
    And look for a clue
    About what to do
    Re. the mating behaviour of fleas
    In Ottawa, during the blackout, (Just got back)
    I got my adventuring pack out [UK] Love the last line of the budgie one.
    My Leatherman tool
    My good old slide rule
    And a Packet of three (just about) My good old slide rule
    It was just as the night turned to dawn
    When I decided to blow on my horn
    I woke up the neighbours
    By tossing them cabers
    I sell it as DIY porn
    A spider just ran up my leg just to creep certain people out..:)
    And left, in my knickers, an egg (there are certain recurring themes here...)
    For warm incubating . . . assuming the knickers are warm
    And the chance of creating
    Thousands of spiders - oh smeg!
    A wasp laid its eggs in my foot
    Then stung me, the ungrateful brute What is this? David Cronenberg Limerick hour? yeuugh...
    [blamelewis] I'll spare you "There are maggots infesting my brain" then.
    Its progeny hatched - Does Software not know about the magic of the >b< tag?
    >b< even.
    I give up.
    and were swiftly despatched . . . having problems Darren? hehehe.
    By a blow to the head from my boot - How about the magic <b> tag, Darren? - I find it works better :)
    With killer bugs eating my face,
    I sprayed myself well with some Mace
    Then to cut out the pain
    I cut out my brain
    And replaced it with Chantilly lace . . . like you do :-)
    Thus spake Zarathrustra (to me):
    "It's lovely to be a Parsee"
    For when you are dead
    You get breakfast in bed
    and in mid-afternoon, you get tea.
    "Ecce homo!" he cried to the crowd
    "How dare you?" I replied aloud
    He said, "Ooh get her!"
    Then his fists were a blur
    Thus to prove his manhood and stand proud.
    With a deafening cry of "Eureka!"
    Duncan Smith took a swing at the Speaker.
    He took up the Mace
    Wiped the egg off his face
    And became the Commons' first streaker.
    I've run up a slate at the bar
    As a Silk this is just about par.
    Then I ran down a bike,
    Ran into a dyke,
    Which won't take my career very far slack... but a mercy killing.
    The rich make their to Cancun
    Gah! YES! let's try again..
    The rich make their way to Cancun
    The poor remain stuck in Rangoon
    And that's where they'll stay
    'Til they make their way
    to their graves, with their rice bowl and spoon.
    There's nothing like bright merry laughter
    For post-coital gloom the day after
    So tickle me pink
    With a blinky wink wink
    On the other hand - just go and shaft 'er. - COAT!!!
    Oh, dear! I appear to be dead.
    I wish I was living instead.
    I should not have jumped
    Can I claim I was bumped?
    Or I sleepwalked off of Beachy Head?
    Your Honour, the verdict is clear.
    And I tell you, without any fear
    The defendant's a duck
    At him throw the book
    - he's guilty of rhymes worse than Lear. phew!
    The trouble with Britain today
    Is the Gummint won't do things my way
    If I were dictator
    I'd sort out this state, or
    sulk, pout and call you all "Gay"!
    The head of Alfredo Garcia
    Is, sadly, now missing an ear
    It got pulled right off
    By a dodgy old toff
    Who'd had far to many crates of Beer
    Announcing my can-di-da-cy,
    I'd like to become an MP
    I've reached the right weight
    Appeared on 'Blind Date'
    And now, Captain Peacock, I'm free-eee
    Alighting the train in Pristina
    I met a cute girl called Christina
    She was going my way
    (and we did have all day)
    But all she would drink was Ribena
    The best way to piss off a rhino
    Is to tweak him and call him a wino
    Then pull down your pants
    Do the St Vitus dance
    Mind the horn, though 'cos it can be final! (employing "Cockney Cheeky Chappy" convention)
    While out in the bush, hunting dik-dik,
    I ran from a snake, very quik-quik
    However, the beetle
    Though not eating meat'll
    Still make a bloke feel quite sick-sick.
    Let's all go and moon David Blaineyarr..
    Yes! We could meet up on the train! Arrr!!
    We'll stand in a line Avast! what a sight we be! Yarrr!
    And drink buckets of Wine
    And drop all our pants in the rain
    [Sorry to hog two lines, but I have to know...]
    Will somebody kindly explain
    The point of this tit, David Blaine
    Is it just show biz
    Does anyone know? Is
    It worth bringing him up again?
    If you swallowed him bring him up quick!
    He'll be right if you make yourself sick!
    Your face went quite red
    At the mention of Fred
    Have you eaten him too, you great prick? - I'll be needing that coat after all.
    Well, now that I've broken my wrist - and will be in agonising pain for the next 4-6 weeks thanks to some idjit learner driver...
    You'll be spared the caress of my fist[MF] Commiserations. Sue!
    And the way that I pass
    my hand over your ass sorrysorrysorry - I don't know what's come over my this morning ...
    To fondle your sebaceous cyst - yughk ! [pen] Don't call Martha, Sue, he doesn't like it.
    I hate that I've become a mute I've still got no voice!
    But still I am sexy and cute
    The sight of my curves
    And my shimmying swerves
    Is sweeter than the sound of a lute.
    [D, UK, R & Bm] dead right too :o)
    Discovered "in flagrant delight",
    I am on display every night
    Flagrante delicto
    With my fragrant big toe
    Who says such a thing can't be right?
    I've recorded my thoughts onto tape
    on the music from "The Great Escape"
    This suicide note
    I leave in your coat
    as you seem to have mislaid your cape
    Come workers, and throw off your chains!
    Let's go, and destroy all the trains!
    Our bold insurrection
    Means we'll miss our connection
    And we we'll wait for three hours at Staines
    When you find yourself gasping for air
    And no-one around seems to care
    Take a deep mental breath
    be prepared for your death
    And kiss farewell to your derriere oblig.
    Let's all go out with a bang
    And a zoom and a whizz and a clang
    For with any luck
    We'll hit more than a duck
    And the rest of the world can go hang!
    It was twenty years ago today
    Sgt.Pepper thought Lennon was gay
    So he tried a test
    And then pulled off his vest
    And found Yoko Ono in play!
    I'd like to be under the sea
    And take part in the Whale's Jamboree
    The octopus can
    make mincemeat of man
    With tentacles one, two and three
    But tentacles four, five and six to continue a second verse...
    are for en-tire-ly separate tricks
    Pick a card, any card...
    ... study it, long and hard
    And the tentacles will beat you with sticks.
    Now, tentacles seven and eight (Oblig.)
    (the subjects of fiercesome debate)
    Are they just spares? (Chalky) Fearsome? Fierce? :-)
    Used only on stairs?
    or just put on show in the Tate? -like dead sheep...
    But all the tentacles have suckers The grand finale! :)
    When aroused, every one of them puckers
    into shape most beguiling
    The creature is smiling
    No wonder! It's caused a great ruckus. [Rosie - re. above] yeah - one of my invented words.
    While making a nice good thick gravy Without lumps, I'll have you know.
    An art which I learned in the navy
    I dropped in the pot
    A crusty old Scot
    - when he came out, his curlies were wavy. There is no alternative ...
    We were sad when Pants went away Yes, we were :-(
    It was oh such a very sad day
    For both players and vicars Hmm... anyone in a real 'Friday afternoon' frame of mind care to follow on...?
    Are bereft of their knickers ... wondering if there was a ruder word I could have used . .
    As they squat in the cats litter tray
    If you catch a whiff of ammonia,
    You should travel at once to Livonia
    Eùmist kõrd mierdõ (Carpe Diem invoked)
    You've pissed up me 'airdo Er . . .Will this do?
    And now I've got double pneumonia ... best I could do - given the bizarre switch to 'first person'.
    I don't mind the getting up early
    When the dawn is tendrilled and pearly
    But what I can't stand
    Is the touch of your hand
    That's caressing my Curly Wurly
    I once was attacked by a squirrel
    Whilst using an epidural only 2 rhymes left, unless someone uses their imagination..
    Which I had received
    in my dire hour of need (snorgle) Where's Birkenhead?
    from a backstreet old quack, name of CyrilScouse avoidance invoked
    To make a relationship work
    IDS must convince us he's sane - uphill struggle in Blackpool
    Bugger, simulpost, Hi Chalks, BTW
    One must not act up like a jerk - going with Chalks, on this one.
    To make a relationship work
    One must not act up as a jerk
    By groping those bits
    That the hand nicely fits
    you'll drive any female berserk. (Uncle K) Birkenhead - Wirral, squirrel. :-)
    A microwave oven will cook
    An elk, a badger, or rook
    But if you try bison .. oh dear - more animal cruelty. See Orange - NB. not for the squeamish
    or even Mike Tyson
    It could get quite ugly - don't look!
    The loveliest boy in the school
    Is usually gay, as a rule Squirrel and Wirral don't rhyme to me!
    You can tell by his satchel
    He hangs out with Tatchell (thanks for the feed, Chalky)
    He's as gay as a damsel Oh, dear, Chalks, another duff rhyming word
    Bugger simulpost
    At Eton, being camp is thought cool might as well get this over with.
    Never mind, Softers. Rest assured, I would never post anything that didn't have a rhyme - but in this case, there was really only the one which rab picked up. Now for linesperson duty ...
    When simulposted, I just stare
    At a line which ain't meant to be there
    My brilliance is wasted!
    My genius untasted!
    And my fine words are all rendered spare.
    While studying a map of Belgrade
    On my yacht (for I'm rather well paid)
    There's a gaping big hole
    the size of a goal
    at the place where explosives are made.
    There once was a house on a hill
    Just Checked, it's up there still
    Oh dear. It's turned Tartan
    And I'd so set my heart on (unfinished sentence alert)
    Grey pinstripes made out of fine twill. ... It seemed lonely sitting here for days without a finale.
    Well there I was, wondering if anyone would bother finishing it off and up you pop ... with, if I may say, a very elegant last line. Bravo.
    I went to the tailor's this morning
    (Quite early - just as the day's dawning)
    "Which way do you dress?" [well done, Duj]
    , he enquired. In distress,
    "With just simply the suit I was born in."
    It's high time you told me the truth
    without being rude and uncouth
    "well, its like this"
    "I want you to kiss"
    And to what she said next I said "STREWTH!"
    My sins now I wish to confess
    I admit I like wearing a dress
    But so what? I'm a girl
    not some poncy old earl (Projoy) Are you, in fact? I'm not, BTW.
    Though I've often been called 'My Princess'
    Durn it, forgot the bold!
    All conferrences over, thank God
    With IDS left on his todd
    His politics should be dangling sentence alert
    cast into the sea
    and consumed by ravenous cod.
    Forgot the underline. Here goes.
    [Rosie] Is that Newcastle Underline?

    The secret to being a man

    Was mislaid in the back of a van
    it's hormones, you see The last time I was mislaid in the back of a van.........;-)
    Causing trouble for me
    and the poor sod who has no idea how to make this last line scan. (Thos) No, actually it was Ashton Underline. Sorry!
    Bugger! Done it again.
    Summer comes with the much warmer weather
    And the crack of bare willow on leather.
    By "leather," I mean
    my pants, Josephine
    When I'm fastened to you by a tether
    Rosie/pen - oh-ho! It looked so innocuous until it got that far!
    The trouble with wasting one's time
    Over looking around for a rhyme
    Is that some are so tricky
    That you can't be too picky
    and ridiculous displaces sublime. Alas!
    I seem to be finishing an awful lot of these, maybe because I go to bed rather late and don't really do mornings. The joys of retirement! It's not one o'clock yet so maybe some night owl can start one.
    My undies have turned pink and blue......It's been a bit like that, Rosie, I too have left a few for others of late. I suspect it's just 'one of those things'.
    And I owe the whole thing to you
    Colours don't mix with whites [Rosie] I'm going to be working nights come next month, so I anticipate doing some entire limericks myself...
    And I'm working nights (sorry to hog two lines but frankly BM's line was too good to pass up)
    But in darkness, you can't see the hue.
    [Rosie: I seem to find myself doing a lot of first lines. Perhaps its all in the timing. Should we set up a kind of limerick tag-team?]
    It's Monday again. What a pain!
    Let's get naked and dance in the rain!
    But there's work to be done!
    And that man's got a gun!
    Still, better than being David Blaine.
    There's a rumour down St. Austell way
    That the vicar's an awfully good lay
    The rev's a woman, you see
    So let's, after tea
    Get down on our knees and then prey. yes, I can spell ...
    As God said to me yesterday
    'It's a shame that mans' feet are of clay,'
    "But women's are wood"
    "which isn't much good"leaving an opening for a grand finale....
    When rolling around in the hay.... that was pantsy wasnt it?... onwards and downwards...
    The voices I hear in my head
    Say, "Kill them all, make them all dead!"
    So keep out of my way
    If you're planning to stay
    Alive, and not copiously bled.
    Beware! There's a beast on the loose
    It's already beheaded a moose
    It's got massive claws
    And three sets of jaws
    All SNARLY like big men called Bruce.
    apologies to any non-snarling mild-mannered Bruces out there
    I wish to object very strongly
    For being treated so wrongly (I know, I know!)
    You cad, oh, you fiend
    I feel so demeaned
    And you have made my face grow long-ly
    And now I shall sue you for slander! [invoking more fiendish rhymes]
    For you called me 'a cad and a bahnder'
    But wives make good secs topicality invoked
    And they come with free specs [doubling entendre]
    And they all call their husbands, "Commander" That was a bizarre swerve, Projoy!
    Darren - didn't you realise that IDS's given name is Longfaced Bruce?
    Evidently not.
    There's a lot of <HR> tags above!
    Yeah. 'Fess up.
    But still, it is you that I love!
    ahem..
    There's a lot of HR tags above!
    But still, it is you that I love!
    May I be so <bold>
    Ahem...
    May I be so <bold%gt;
    You're simply too old (I thought I'd get a few in the bank back there.)
    And you're ugly, when push comes to shove. [Darren] Well, I was recalling that IDS had threatened to sue anyone who impugned his character over the matter of his sec's life.
    I'd risk all the world for your smile
    As you smile in a very strange style
    Your teeth are perfection
    Despite the infection
    which makes your gums shrink back a mile
    Your feet are the colour of sin
    So let's just pop them back in the bin
    Your hands, I shall chop
    To sell in my shop
    With a pie with your entrails in
    That last name made the homepage all wide and ugly. This is not the start of a limerick.
    This is:
    The homepage is ugly and wide
    And all rotten and stinky inside
    We have rab to thank
    for the stink that it stank
    - He caused it, though much he denied!
    A magician, on doing a stunt,
    That was *meant* to start a new limerick
    Made sure that his knives were all blunt
    His assistant insisted
    That on throwing, they twisted
    And kept well away from her front! (see how clean and restrained I managed to be)
    It is said there's naught like a full moon
    To encourage a lowly buffoon
    to pull down his pants
    And bathe in red ants
    Till his buttocks are like a balloon.
    I heard it once said in jest:
    That Carlsberg is "prob'ly" the best
    But Heineken reaches
    the parts that one teaches
    To stick their hands up ladies' vests.
    When dancing at the P'liceman's Ball
    I said, "No, dear sir, not at all!"
    "I will not grab hold"
    "Do you think me so bold"
    "As 'pride' comes just 'fore a 'fall'"
    A Chinese has been up into space
    Wins the 'Great British Takeaway' race
    Now the Yanks are all jealous
    and that seems to tell us
    Competition's the thing they can't face.
    A Yank and a Chink in a bar
    One in armour, and one on guitar
    The Chink went clink
    The Yank tried to think
    But for a Yank, that just goes too far. Yup, I love our cousins across the pond. But they are Canadian ...
    Gay bishops will guide us henceforth
    (They're the one's who don't know south from the north)
    They'll be quick to preach...
    And then they will reach (dot dot dot)
    Shirtlifters the way of the cloth Pronounced clorth by all Dick Emery style vicars, as you will recall.
    err ... substitute the for with :o)
    blimey - well done Software. I realised after I'd posted that first line - there are only two true rhymes.
    Intelligent bio-design
    is awfully fiendish to rhyme
    But nevertheless
    I'll try to impress
    By invoking the presence divine.
    [P, s, r, D & K] - satisfyingly concise and to the point!
    If I end all parental controls
    Will my offspring turn out to be trolls?
    Or will they just lurk?
    and never get work
    , indulgence being one of their goals.
    If I could go backwards in time
    All the things that I'd do
    I'd teach you a new way to rhyme (Since Projoy has varied from the Limerick form, let's just see where this goes. I've started what seems to be an ABAB pattern.)
    And I'd keep winning the Lottery, too I memorise the numbers every week on the offchance that I will fall into a wormhole and go back to last month...
    [Darren] I was actually shooting for a reverse limerick there (i.e. mine was line 4) but no matter...
    The perfect acausal-type crime (unfinished sentence alert)
    All the bits seem to be there, so shall we move on?>< hr>
    On Sundays, I just like to laze
    On Saturdays, shirk... since the last reverse failed, let's try again
    'Til Friday I work
    The week passes by in a haze
    On Mondays my head's in a daze ... that gets the job done
    How about a word reversal one now ...
    reverse to has just one sometimes
    perverse so be often can rhymes
    kilter off up end you
    filter a need words do?
    .....verse of form this 'gainst many are crimes
    Again! Again!
    then okay ...
    low brought often is scansion the where...
    show to eager who're experts are there ... Double enders, eh? Excellent.
    are they clever how
    far too goes it now
    foe formidable a metre's rare
    Time in backwards go could I if
    ,thyme and parsley and rosem'ry sniff,
    past the of think I
    vast was garden My
    crime a are looks youthful Richards Cliff
    There's hardly a day that goes by
    When you see people screaming out, "Why?"
    Are they stupid, or mad .... [Chalky] you missed 'sage' above - sorry, I rather like S&G.
    When they talk of Baghdad?
    No, they once met Uday and Qusay.
    Whilst hunting around for some sage
    I met a bacteriophage
    He had a big microscope
    Which used a rare isotope ... Obviously not a scanning device
    In a sensor wired up to a gauge
    [Tina] If you want to highlight your entries, there are some helpful tips in the 'Banter Game' - about 4 or 5 pages back :-)
    Biology's all very well
    For people with no sense of smell-Thanks Chalky
    But ammonia gas
    Will empty the class oh, those northern vowels of mine...
    Long enough to be saved by the bell.
    By 'eck, lad, it's grim in the North
    Och, cruvvens! Ye've no' seen the Forth!
    So, oi'll stick to moi coider
    (moi cumfert provoider)
    In the Snug of "The Bear", Perranporth
    It's quaite naice dyne h-yah in Surreh (sic)
    We even eat foodstuffs laik curreh (sick)
    In our hiyses of staine
    orf porcelaine of baine
    Which the servants prepare, so whay worreh?
    They say that to lead a long life
    You must eat your peas with a knife
    Simulposted .... It is wise not to move to East Fife (in a desperate attempt to avoid yet another life/knife/wife limerick) ... I was just too late, it seems :-)
    better luck next time CdM - remember not everyone here posts in 'Orange'.
    If you used a long spoon
    You'd finish too soon.
    [Chalky] True. However, a troll through the archives on the three main servers finds eight life/wife/knife limericks, and a further twelve where life is rhymed with either wife or knife. (There are several that involve pea-eating among them. :-) ) And that is without the !York or Pants archives. I think that "life" should be classified with "month", "silver" and "orange" in the officially-frowned-upon file. But maybe that is just me.
    And that will be the day that you die-F
    -or they sing "Bye, American Pie
    [Chalky (and Tuj)] Re-reading, that comes across as kind of critical, which was not my intention; my apologies for that. It was meant more as a tongue-in-cheek observation about what happens when you have been hanging around these servers for too long.
    It's the best in the south you can buy ... This is becoming somewhat surreal.
    If banoffee or lime
    Seem less than sublime [CdM] quite so :-)
    wash it down with plenty of rye.
    They say there's a whorehouse in Texas
    Where girls bounce on you solar plexus
    So your breath comes in fits
    You burst all your zits
    BUT! It's all lies - made up by some lechers.
    I once heard a lecher remark:
    "Hello there, my name's Alan Clark"
    I once was a Tory
    But that's a long story
    If you'd like, we can f*ck in the park
    While pruning a bush in the garden Butchering, more like.
    I found myself caught with a hard 'ern ... Lowering the tone, unless some horticulturist might rescue it.
    I got out my clippers
    In front of the nippers
    - They didn't get even a 'pardon!'
    I once took a trip to Estonia
    Where brass bands have several euphonia.
    I joined with a band
    And got a big hand
    Where not even doctors will go near
    (emphasis on go and it works. Apologies for not knowing how to underline!)
    [Angus] use <hr>
    If you were to purchase a present
    For me - how remarkably pleasant!
    I'd rip off the wrapping
    My wife would be flapping (Angus P) Try less-than hr greater-than.
    "Slippers! You bloody peasant!"
    While mixing cement in the bath [Angus] Actually, underlining is <u>like this</u>
    I incurred mum's consid'rable wrath
    She said "It'll set.... (Run-on)
    In your creases, I'll bet!"
    "so we'll just roll you out on the path!"
    Using only Weetabix and mice
    (And ignoring my father's advice)
    My latest invention
    got my mother's attention
    By bringing her breakfast up (twice)
    Since Darren can't access this site,     - heh heh...
    I can say whatever I want out of spite.
    He'll return full of ire
    With his friend of the 'spire'......Sorry, Chalky
    And us with pestilence blight
    hmmm ... apology accepted.
    That Darren's a marvellous chap
    When he purrs and curls up in your lap
    But if you arouse his
    Feline-fur trousis gimme a C!, gimme an O!, gimme an A!, gimme a T!
    He'll join in with meaningless pap.
    I love to peel a banana
    And wrap the peel round a sultana
    When boiled in wine,
    And Seasoned with Thyme, Riff - use < b >tags< /b > to make your message bolder.
    tastes great while grooving Santana
    An indigent bookbinder's clerk
    Rode a broomstick to get into work
    . He saved money on petrol
    But got his pants wet-rol
    -ler skating in rain, what a berk. oh dear...
    "Trick or treat" say the kids at my door (Darren, Big Dave) Real class!
    so I sit tight and them I ignore
    They pelt me with eggs
    Shall I break their legs?
    Then trick them to treats off the floor. .. heh heh
    A good thing to say to a ghost
    might be: "Hi - can you please pass the toast?"
    A breakfasttime spectre
    is a good dust collector
    But reality comes with the post.
    There is a huge flare on its way
    Perhaps I could try that again?
    There is a huge flare on its way
    Well, the Sixties are back, so they say
    it won't be so bright
    If my trousers aren't right
    Floral hipsters are just so passé!
    I've just heard that Jon Snow's in the dock
    for failing to adhere to the clock
    like a well-dispatched fly
    kept zipped, bye and bye
    just listening to the tickity tock.
    The problem with video games
    Is they've got such ridiculous names
    The Sims and the Lemmings
    There's even Ian Flemming's
    "Bond's Name Is No Longer James"
    The trouble with very long bridges
    Is they have lots of rust in long ridges
    That's the problem with steel
    Provided it's real
    It attracts lots of magnetic midges
    It'll soon be the Fifth of November
    With fireworks and parkin, remember?
    The Gunpowder Plot
    Bonfires, hot
    And annoying small brats, to dismember I'm not old and bitter, me..
    The sixth of November will bring
    The first signs of Global Warming
    Unseas'nable weather
    Cuckoos in't heather
    And tides in the main street of Tring
    just for Blob's benefit
    The thing with the liner Aurora
    Is it keeps getting smaller and smaller dodgy, but...
    'Til it's just a mere speck.
    but the people on deck
    's arses are still getting sorer
    In Paris, one might say it's chic
    To be battre avec le 'ugly stick'
    In the Rue de Montmartre
    You can see Jean-Paul Sartre
    Searching the ground for du fric
    There was a young man from Nantucket
    Who lived all his life in a bucket
    To the end of his days
    his oddly strange ways
    were why passersby always struck it.
    When invited to dine with the Queen,
    Prince Phillip created a scene
    He swore and he cussed
    But Her Maj was non-plussed
    by the way his nose glowed tangerine.
    On a bath day, when losing the soap,
    Is the best time for having a grope
    For an innocent fumble
    Is no cause to grumble
    Just make sure the soap's on a rope!
    Guy Fawkes was a wonderful chap
    He's been given a terrible rap
    He just wanted to say
    'Being Catholic's okay'
    'Boom boom, folks, now please mind the gap'
    Tchaikovski found fortune and fame
    By playing a tedious game
    He used to subscribe [Projoy] Last line above - awesome!
    To a Balinese tribe
    Who never could quite spell his last name
    In the middle of singing a tune
    That Ruby Wax caused me to swoon
    For her grasp of tonality
    and vocal neutrality
    Were nil. Ought to try the bassoon. On second thoughts...
    *applauds* Whilst staying just south of Milan
    I began to dance a "can-can"
    - except that I can't
    'cause my recent implant
    Is still sore (But at last I'm a man!)
    In the middle of making a toast
    To my flatulent ill-mannered host - [st d] superb!
    I felt a deep rumble
    my bowel, it did grumble
    And then my gas gave up the ghost.
    Mr Howard is now Tory Leader
    Another smug and fawning bleeder
    It seems they can't win
    It makes Kennedy grin
    That damn little Scot ginger weed - er
    I would like to point out at this time I have nothing against Scots, ginger people or indeed the Lib Dems.
    It's goodbye to Iain Duncan-Smith
    We will all shed a tear and a sniff (sorry)
    who returns to the darkness forthwith.
    BUGGER - SIMULPOST. How did that happen?
    (Bifurcating then...)
    He was Labour's best hope / He was banished by Howard
    Now it's gone up in smoke/The backstabbing coward
    And he's now been replaced by a twit-h
    Many terrible deeds at the palace
    none commited, however, by Alice
    All we know is - a writ
    We'll know more in a bit ...
    But I bet it involves a royal phallus
    Last night I dreamt I was walking
    Surrey streets in a town known as Dorking
    And when I awoke (Ken T) I see you've got here at last. :-)
    I was really in Stoke
    Being arrested for illegal stalking. [plump] Actually a servant's, according to what I hear... you didn't get it from me though...
    If you want to develop your pecs
    Take a hint from good old T-Rex
    Just strum your guitar
    and don't wear a bra
    And engage dear Prince ********** in sex sorry if I lowered the tone at all...
    How do you get a line in here?
    Like this.
    In the middle of sueing for slander
    (for they spoke out with far too much candour)
    We stopped for a dance [barbacoa] <hr> - I remember it as short for "horizontal rule"
    Just on the off chance
    A Cha-Cha with Chi-Chi the panda
    There's an injunction on part of this verse
    For the censored censored, it gets worse!
    The Guardian's screaming
    The lawyers are beaming
    And every report must be terse.
    For those who are feeling the cold
    Remember it stifles the mold.
    So get on with living
    Be loving and giving
    And let those warm feelings unfold. aaah
    In the middle of drinking some tea,
    I thought "this will make me pee". Old men and their bladders :-(
    What if I don't get up? ohdearohdearohdear
    Or I drench the new pup? yelp!
    A dilemma I'm sure you'll agree
    If you curtsey again I shall scream
    I can see your knickers, they're green
    At least, I think they're your pants
    Inside, I feel ants
    gnawing away at my spleen. What a compendium of non-sequiturs, mine included. I feel we can do better. :-)
    From Hackney to Bromley-by-Bow
    And the meadows of old Pimlico Already I'm liking the poetry of this one ....
    The byways we tread
    As we breathe in the lead
    And eastward t'wards Dagenham we go. Hit me with your rhythm stick!
    Kew Gardens; the height of the fall
    Has tourists who just have the gall
    To drop all their wrappers
    Then run like the clappers oblig
    and leg-it over the wall
    It's rumoured that Hampton Court Palace in keeping
    Was the setting for BBC's 'Dallas'
    And that really, JR
    Was Kath-ar-ine Parr
    Dressed-up and sporting a phalus.
    Meanwhile, back in Kalamazoo
    Michigan State's playing host to The Who
    They've already smashed
    Guitars and they've trashed
    all the hotels they've stayed in too
    George Bush isn't bright it is true
    But I don't think it matters, do you?
    He's just one of the guys.
    Although he denies
    The attack on Iraq was a coup
    From Kalamazoo to East Lansing
    "Who" fans blocked the streets up with dancing.
    But things went awry
    When a pineapple pie
    Hit the vocalist, who now just can't sing.
    thanks!
    On a day out with Danny La Rue
    I found half a didgeridoo
    Its twang was almighty
    - It was heard back in Blighty -
    and Danny dived into the loohighly unlikely, anyway it's a dunny down under, or so us poms are led to believe. Here endeth the lesson.
    Lusaka, Kinshasa, Harare
    St Fagans, Blaenavon and Barry
    Kilmarnock and Fife
    Looe and St Ive
    And Kenya (Whilst lost on Safari).
    They say I'm a much-travelled man
    And it's true - I've spent time in Japan
    and also on Mars
    (But mostly in bars)
    Where I filled up my green petrol can.
    Is it true to say green eggs and ham unfi...
    Are unfit for consumption by man ?
    With a fox, in a box
    and cream cheese and lox
    They're still better for you than spam.
    At last I have ultimate power! Muahahahaha!
    Before you all people shall cower! (echoes laugh)
    The formula's mine
    For the fog on the Tyne
    And the alpine fresh scent in your shower! It doesn't come much more potent than that.
    Syntactical rules are not made (sentence alert unfinished)
    Syntactical rules are not made
    to beguile, tempt, cajole or persuade
    But to help make some sense
    (and not cause offence)
    Of all the preceding tyrade
    My tirades 'gainst poor grammar are fraught
    With the pedantry that I was taught
    By a teacher at school
    (the silly old fool)
    His lessons weren't not what they ought.
    Bad grammar, poor syntax, crap rhyme
    So many to try, but no time!
    So here I will just unfinished...
    Make do with a lust
    For the great Ogden Nash in his prime.
    As Yoda declared once to me,
    'Confused by this all will you be'
    Well, he was right
    for I sat up all night
    I can't choose! With the plotline for Episode Three / How the hell did he beat Christ'pher Lee? / With a Grammar book, pencils and tea
    Whilst inhaling a pinch of good snuff
    I was tempted to say, to Frank Bough
    "Try this for size" [Dazed] Ah - so that's how they pronounce Buff in Brum :-) ]
    "It'll bug out your eyes"
    But I sensed that he'd had quite enough.
    While cruising to tropical climes
    To escape prosecution for crimes
    I happened to meet
    A cop on the beat
    Who said "Sunshine, you're nicked, you'll do time!"
    My cell is just six feet by ten
    And I share it with 26 men
    My left knee is wedged
    between something alleged unf...
    (sorry! for grammar:) behind something alleged
    to be bigger than that owned by Sven.
    If sleep were a treat, not a right,
    I think I'd still do it all night
    I'd stay in my pit
    Until I saw fit
    To get up [or just needed a shite] thangyew thangyew
    I wish I did not oversleep
    But when my alarm clock goes "beep"
    The temptation's too great
    And I must masturbate
    Because I've been counting those sheep.
    Of all of the people I've met,
    None compares to that nice Yorkshire vet
    for creatures, he's best great and small, that is
    But dont shake his hand, lest FG] I almost ruptured my throat laughing at that !
    Yours ends up all slimy and wet... eeeeewwww.....
    One Saturday in Piccadilly
    I met a transvestite called Lily bit of a drag, though
    She took me in hand
    (Plus a minor brass band)
    And then we... no, that would be silly
    One night, while traversing Kings Cross,
    Like a Rolling Stone gathering moss [invoking st dogmael]
    A complete unknown
    playing trombone
    Said, 'Quite frankly I don't give a toss'
    I think I've drunk too much 'Red Bull'
    So my bladder is buzzing and full [FG] I've got the most *awful* image in my mind of someone OD-ing on RB...
    My 'water' is pink
    And it's starting to stink
    I don't think I'm going to pull.
    I'm morose, really down in the dumps
    'Cos my willy has come out in lumps maintaining the base level
    He is such a good dog Straining to get out of the mire....
    He sits on the bog
    But when he gets to the sink, he just humps
    Sinatra was once heard to say
    I'm proud that I did things my way
    Though I cheated and cussed
    Was my hair ever mussed? Have I missed an obvious song-led rhyme here?
    and the Mafia augmented my pay
    Bruce Forsythe enjoyed a good game [penelope] Not that I made intentionally, no :)
    'Though his wig received all the acclaim
    It did a small jig
    Then grew very big
    Now it's taken the star role in 'Mame'
    My friend is called Pudsey the Bear (topical)
    We go round to children in care
    And give them a thrashing Children in Need? Why can't they stay in bloody need? That's not me talking btw - it's a quote from the Fast Show...
    With feathers, not bashing ... Which sounds a little like the sentences imposed on murderers, rapists etc. meted out by my local judiciary system.... (tucks occasional right wing tendencies over tender left wing and flies off.)
    It's a smash when it goes out on air! Or the S4C primetime highlight: "Children In Neath"
    I'm a big fan of Children in Neath
    And of Ladyboys in Cowdenbeath
    The Teenagers in Frome
    Have been swept to their doom
    And Looe Pensioners all have false teeth.
    Suspected of fiddling with boys,
    And playing with cudd-er-ly toys,
    Here soundeth the klaxon
    For that idiot Jackson (forced)
    Whose 'hanging' created some 'noise'.
    [Angus Prune] Forced? Forced???!!! Au contraire, it was a gift! Carefully planned and skilfully made!! If you don't like it, then don't take it! ;o)
    Caref'ly planned and skillf'ly made
    And usually cheerf'ly displayed
    Was the head of a moose
    Which hung from a noose
    Keeping fresh thanks to plenty of shade.
    While practising a quite tricky stunt
    With my neighbor, good old Allen Funt
    I fell in a trap
    Constructed of scrap
    Which proved that I'm simply a runt.
    This first line's a bit lame, it's true,
    And for the third, better must do.
    But to make matters worse
    This entire piss-poor verse
    Has ended up blocking the loo.
    Lets try Jackson now in the press !
    It's clear that his face is a mess a couple of tracks short of an album, if you ask me.
    And as for the songs
    Well - they right no wrongs
    String him up ! Lynch him ! Kill him ! YES YES!!!
    Let's all get together and sing
    A hymn to The Great Blob of Tring
    samn - simulposted! Of the relative merits of 'bling'
    Bifurcating: Whose one saving grace/The rocks and the gold
    Is the look on His face / Are a sight to behold
    And the merriment that it will bring. hoping I have covered both possibilities neatly in one line. :-)
    The chance that was too good to miss
    Ended up being seized by the Swiss
    The Americas Cup
    And the chance to throw up!
    Hang on. Are you taking the p*ss?
    / Jeez - that sure made limer-sense. Ah well - onwards and upwards ...
    Chalky - Whilst cooking in loco parentis
    (Mom*ma had gone off to the dentist)
    I put on the gas
    And shook my yas-yas (obscure 1930s southern US slang declared)
    And proved I was non compas mentis.
    [Tina] Good call.!
    I sit in my nice padded cell
    And giggle, as I ring my bell
    But the imps and the pixies
    Try to tell me that six is
    Seven, and eight is aswell
    I know how to carbonate tea
    And how to select the best Brie
    But what's got me stumped
    is how come I got dumped
    And why she picked a she over me
    While eating a plateful of turkey.
    Along with some bits of old jerky
    I started to wonder
    About having a chunder
    and that's why the fish tank's all murky.
    For Christmas I want in my stocking
    A hoist, to facilitate docking
    Though the fit may be tight,
    It will be all right
    bah! simulpost My prospects just might [forcing bifurcatory dénouement]
    [Thos] I'll slide it in with careful rocking. [Chalky] Avoid the scene getting too shocking.
    Bifurcation can be very tricky
    And if you're not careful, quite sticky.
    But if one can reverse
    In a Mercedes hearse
    One can refurcate in Billericay.
    Dear Santa, I'd like a new hearse Stealing pen's hearse theme as I like it! (hope you don't mind!)
    'Cause my death wish is getting much worse
    If you can't manage that
    I'll just bury the cat
    And then, when it's dead, write a verse.
    I read in the papers today
    Mutant Llamas are heading our way!
    So let's board up our houses
    And gird up our trousis oblig.
    Fall to our knees and just pray
    The only way to success
    In this game we call "Mornington Cresc.",
    Is so closely guarded
    Because it's bombarded
    By the bloodsucking hounds of the Press.
    Out bowling with old Tony Blair,
    I stamped on his foot for a dare
    He said "Listen, mush"
    Nobody but Bush (a gift)
    Ever gets to touch me just there! Oh, the satire of it all.
    I ache for the touch of your lips (dear)
    But much more for some good fish and chips (sorry)
    smothered in salt
    and vinegar malt
    rubbed in wounds that are left by your whips. accepting Kim's invitation
    I stimulate this piece of dough
    I'm podgy, lethargic and slow this is only verse, you understand...
    And so when I stroke More "t" in simulate, Vicar?
    The fat, stodgy bloke Try and keep this clean please?
    I'm confident nothing will grow I did my best...
    When eating a bucket of rice
    Try saying "janitor" - twice
    I'll lay odds your tongue
    will foul the dipthong dodgy, dodgy...
    and it won't look (or sound) very nice.
    I don't think too much of this groove
    And I fear that my mood won't improve
    so perhaps I should leave
    I've no wish to deceive
    This guide showing *me round the Louvre
    Now the Christmassy season is here
    I'm up to my eyes in false cheer Bah, humbug
    Is it only me
    Who gets Yule Anomie Look that one up - Nasty !
    Den Watts, Anne Robinson and Germaine Greer?
    [Pogle]Not in the dictionary!
    My English has gone all to pot
    Bad language is all that I've got
    I swear and I curse
    I blaspheme and much worse
    I've started to talk like a Scot
    Despite having only one thumb - [chuckle at Software :-)]
    And only one cheek to my bum (thx, Chalks ;-)
    In fact, no left half
    And a lopsided laugh
    I blame it on my right-wing mum.
    The circus is coming to town! (Splendidly surreal, that one.)
    I think I'll dress up as a clown!
    And then, with this axe,
    I'll land a few whacks
    On anyone wearing a gown
    When working with HTML,
    One summons things arcane and fell
    Like "nbsp"
    And things you can't see ...
    would not to your best friend tell
    A government study has found
    We're really quite hard to astound.
    MP's we don't trust
    Prescott's nose I will bust
    Unless of course Prince Charles gets crowned
    (referring to the second line rather than the fourth)
    Though usually dazed and confused,
    Last night I was more than bemused
    By the folks on my street
    All singing "tweet tweet"
    Whilst using my 'phone, which is orange
    And being so highly enthused. Ignoring Mr Jimmi's rather unorthodox rhyming convention, there
    Coherent in thought, word and print,
    - If you are, you'll be earning a mint
    Your wage will be herbs
    If you screw up your verbs
    and you'll be out on your neck at a sprint
    While watching a video of Paris
    I swore I'd glimpsed Anita Harris
    But actually it's
    A set of her bits
    And a bare naked view of 'er 'arris
    I've not been around for a while
    As you'll see if you look in my file.
    In fact, I've been shaking
    My booty, and making
    A fortune by flashing my smile.
    Hooray. What perfect scansion that one had!
    Joe Public just hasn't a clue
    'Bout the plan to submerge London Zoo
    For the canal will be dammed
    And an hippopotamus rammed
    In an effort to clean up its poo. coat
    Some carollers came down our way
    "Penny for the song" they all started to say
    "For 2p we'll just go"
    "And for 3p, we'll show..."
    "what happens inside Santa's sleigh."
    I did all my laundry today (Almost true, even)
    . My whites were getting quite gray.
    But a sneaky blue sock
    ruined the whole f******g lot!
    Dunno what my missus will say! been there, done that...
    One day I went fishing for bass.
    Instead, I hooked a bold lass
    she'd dipped in the buff
    And had just had enough poised...
    Of the plaice so I floundered a pass
    Pray silence to mark our respect [st d] classy!
    For a thing that is very erect
    It stands out proud
    and attracts quite a crowd
    It's said to have a healing effect
    While in a nativity play
    (When the shepherds had knelt down to pray)
    Mary let out a scream
    When she stood up, a bream
    Was revealed, still alive, in the hay.
    Poor Joseph was shocked to the core
    When he found what the donkey was for
    "You just lift the tail
    It'll fill up a pail
    If you tickle his balls he'll do more
    An angel, by the name of Trevor
    Oh buttons, how did that happen ?
    An angel, by the name of Trevor
    Used to work whatever the weather pronounced "wever" :-)
    His wings might get chilly,
    But never his willy,
    all swathed in its loin cloth of leather.
    It's festive, it's bright, and it's gay
    It's the New Santa! Now on his way
    To deliver your gift
    'tho he is pis't
    and likely to 'total' his sleigh...
    Christmas parties are dangerous things
    For married men take off their rings!
    There's no way of knowing
    What seeds they are sewing.
    25 hours of stunned silence - a mercy killing is obviously needed:
    (when lining up their New Year flings)
    disclaimer: the sentiments expressed above do not represent my personal viewpoint and I would like to assure the readers that faithful husbands were not used [or even stitched up] in the making of that last limerick :-)
    Wrapping up presents is fun
    A ball and some slippers, a gun... in the form of a list, y'see
    ..a hanky and socks
    ...some ears just like Spocks,
    And a bottle of rosé Blue Nun.
    Why, Grandma, it's just what I wanted!
    Is what I would have said - but I grunted
    'Twas all I could manage
    On that day in Swanage (it doesn't rhyme, I know)
    After a kiss from my old transvestite aunt Ted
    The sexton said to the vicar
    (Who reacted with naught but a flicker)
    "Which way do you lean .. [UNfinished quote alert]
    because you see I'm quite keen careful, now...
    To make your silk vestments look slicker.
    Twas the night before Christmas, it's said,
    While all the good folk were a'bed,
    That Santa's wee elves
    make friendly spells
    for sugarplums and gingerbread. (ignoring Fridge's blatant mixing of tenses)
    Sesquipedalianism
    essentially, verbosity driven
    Makes people, in herds
    (Whose brains are like bird's)
    Feel their corpus callosum is riven.
    I saw David Beckham last week
    I gave his left butt cheek a tweak
    It came off in my hand
    which was not what I'd planned
    so next week I'm in front of the beak. One wonders what Victoria would say - if she actually realized, that is.
    One has to be cruel to be kind ... sigh
    So here is a piece of my mind
    I'm sick of your moods,
    and your Chopin Preludes
    Hence I'll play by myself and go blind ... I'm leaving
    Cette sauce d'haute qualité
    qui contient d'la merde rechauffée
    est un petit peu drolle
    nous sommes a l'ecole?
    Bien sur - comme vous avez gouté!
    Vous avez le Knockwurst chez vous?
    Aber nein doch, das geb' ich nicht zu
    Mais, ce grand saucisson?
    *no "?" intended*
    dont l'odeur est si bon
    Damnit teach me to spend a long time reading before posting...
    Das ist Bratwurst nicht Knockwurst, (qui pue !)
    What's wrong with plain English I ask?
    Mon Dieu! Nous sommes taken to task.
    Mais j'ai peur that I'm stuck
    Und Ich hab nicht mehr luck
    Et je veux's Nächstenmal we speak Basque.
    - oh, sorry
    Last night as I went off to bed
    , a polka dot scarf on my head,
    I tripped on a stair
    Landing on Tony Blair
    Now I'm in Belmarsh until I am dead!
    The trouble with children today
    Is they don't kneel down and pray
    When asking permission
    to indulge in coition
    They say "No, you big perv, go away"
    When the Crescenters arrive at rab,
    They find it all dreary and drab poetic licence. Not true, rab sweetie.
    With colours insipid - second application for poetic license
    Walls all strippéd - can it really be this bad?
    But I'm joking -- it's really ab fab!
    I know all the secrets of love
    When to wriggle, when to roll, when to shove.
    But this illness, I fear
    Was brought on by beer
    so I'm flacid and won't fit like a glove
    My fingers are feeling quite sore Make of it what you will...
    For I got them trapped in the door
    It could have been worse
    For I got the nurse
    To kiss them and wrap them - and more!
    I once knew a man from Northants
    who cooked a stew made of old pants
    with dumplings like lead
    And an old cabbage head
    all garnished with microwaved ants.
    One day I'll stop starting the rhyme
    start stopping - now is the time
    When future and past
    Turn to present, at last
    Was and will be starstopting sublime.
    It's been a stop/start kind of day
    Iv'e been casting my glances away
    , The kind where there's simply no way
    oops simulpost. Ignore mine.
    Too late, It's been captured online
    On balance, we'll go with Zarbenia
    It's been a stop/start kind of day
    I've been casting my glances away
    where shall I go?
    'Cos I simply don't know
    How to finish this in a clever way
    The trouble with being so clever
    Is you can't keep your thoughts all together
    They prance and cavort
    Way odd in an of sort
    Thus scuppering scansion endeavour [ZK - what were you thinking of?] :-)
    The trouble with aardvarks is this:
    (Trust me, I'm not taking the piss) [Chalky - the 2nd line of the limerick, naturally :)]
    Alphabetically
    they're tops, if trickily Do I read you right, Chalks?
    served under hot melted Swiss.
    My belt hardly fits round my waist!
    All due to a turkey's great taste
    The magic of 'tatoes
    Purchased from Waitrose Best I could do. (PP) "Taters" would have been easier.
    And eaten with indecent haste
    In the post-Christmas, pre-New Year gap [Rosie] I thought of "And - yikes! - up my weight goes" for the 4th line above, but decided against it.
    The TV has rather less pap. (Kim) No worse than mine! I tried to think of the chemical name for various sugars, eg lactose, fructose, sucrose etc but the neurons had congealed. Alas!
    Though there's no more The Office
    The ISIHAC sophis- (-try, -ticated, -m, etc.)
    -ticates will say 'bah' to the crap.
    There once was a girl called Sally
    A 'bush baby' born in the mallee
    Her chief claim to fame Wossa "mallee", Duj?
    Was a deep source of shame
    For the dark deed she'd done in the alley.
    There once was a playwright called Will
    Who said that he'd had his fill unfinished sentence alert..
    So with a groan and a sigh
    And a tear in the eye
    Declared "Not to be!". (Slave to the quill). Stony ground, snorgle. :-(
    With due apprehension and dread
    I approached the dark land of the dead
    with a pencil full of lead
    From the gloom and the drear [Widey] Sorry, but given your unorthodox rhyme and non-existent scansion, I thought this limerick deserved better.
    There came to my ear
    'Ace of Spades' from the band Motörhead.
    And now I'll begin a new ditty
    And though it be brief, 'tis not pretty
    For the tale's one of woe
    As these ditties go
    'cos I support Birmingham City.
    It was in Scotland I seem to remember
    That I had begun to dismember
    A turtle called Pete
    I needed to eat
    Since breakfast was served last September
    As the Old Year came to an end
    And my brain cells all went round the bend
    I said "Happy Hogmanay!"
    And saw out the day
    Passed out, on the floor, with a friend
    It's still not New Year in Caracas (as I write)
    And the natives are causing a fracas pronunciation wild...
    For they love Hogmanay
    But would get blown away
    If they used fireworks as maracas
    Among my new year's resolutions
    I shall try to refine my ablutions
    I shall shave every day Sorry, Chalky - nowt personal!
    For it's so distingué
    'mongst those whom "I'mSorryIHaven'tAClue" shuns.
    I once had a donkey to lunch
    With a sigh he started to munch
    "oh, this lettuce is limp"
    "oh, this lettuce is limp"
    "And I don't like the shrimp"
    so from now on we only do brunch!
    A Happy New Year to you all
    In particular those who're named Paul
    and Kathys as well,
    And Simon, and Nell
    In fact to the entire roll call.
    I've been dining on old tangerines
    In the company of two ethereal queens
    We avoided the mints
    but don't those queens mince!
    No wonder they quit the Marines....
    I've found, with a couple of kippers,
    I can manage without pipe and slippers
    For, when smoked on the fire, (Are kippers already smoked? Does it matter?)
    and wrapped up in barbwire
    You can't beat a couple of strippers.
    There once was a herring named Barb,
    Who looked foolish attired in such garb
    As a bright crimson mac
    of polymerised cack (Thrax) Jayne Mansfield could've dealt with herrings, but those F****** LOBSTERS!
    Imported from deepest Punjab.
    A Hippo has been found on Mars
    With a beagle that fell from the stars
    And its furtive silence
    Gave dramatic Licence Rosie, you're not still on lobster duty are you? I'd have thought that after all your long years of faithful service you might get a prmotion to a slightly better job - perhaps involving Julia Roberts' bottom and grey squirrels.
    To ad men peddling cars.
    As God is my witness, I swear
    I never did that, anywhere
    Unless you have proof
    Of that night on the roof
    of my waywardly yoof (Thrax) You know where you are with lobsters. Grey squirrels? BASTARDS!
    When I simply had nothing to wear I feel that works whichever of the simulposts you read!
    It simply defies rhyme and reason
    At the end of the holiday season
    To buy Wizard of Oz
    [The Songbook] because
    To my ears it's insufferable treason. Far better, if you as me, is Dark Side of the Rainbow. You'd love that one, Chalky. IF you ever carry out your threat and make it to Swindon, I'll treat you to it, if you've not witnessed it before. :) Now then, let's try the good Doctor's prescription...
    Hey! it worked!! Festivaalllll!!
    Rejoice! Let us sing and make cheer!
    For the chance to F**k up a New Year I'm back from by Gallic celebrations, all the best for the new Year, one and all.
    We'll start right away
    For the chance to F**k up a New Year I'm back from by Gallic celebrations, all the best for the new Year, one and all.
    And repeat right away Congratulations, Softers. One New Year Limerick F**ked up as intended. Well done. ;)
    Rejoice! Let us sing and make cheer!
    Let's all drink gallons of beer!
    We'll start right away
    (and there was me thinking that this was a limericks game...)
    [nights] They all turn into something resembling MC in the end, you know...
    And we'll brook no delay
    [b]Someone tell me which line we're at here.[/b] Aha! I managed to vent my predicament and play a valid move into the bargain.
    (but bugger up the HTML, 'cos another site I visit uses '['s and ']'s rather than '<'s and '>'s. Sorry folks.)
    For the chance to F**k up a New Year
    That's enough of that. 11-line limericks vex me.
    If two heads are better than one
    Then six hands must be lots of fun
    Arm wrestle arachnid
    (Spider joke, hackneyed)
    If compelled, just repeat until done. A bit like that last limerick. Seems we had a touch of the old Dollis Hillitis going on for a bit, eh?
    A Republican from Norwich once wrote
    'Limerick writers - take note ...
    ...On pain of your lives,
    When rhyming with knives
    Beware that they're not at your throat
    I have no excuse this time, sir
    I have not a clue, what is myrh?
    Why, it's Gilead's balm
    Applied underarm
    Whence a sprouting of wings will occur.
    A cockerel's a creature with wings
    A young trained cock without any strings
    . It can be a great pet,
    If its mind isn't set
    On hens and such sexual things
    I once saw a porcupine fly
    (A rare insect, from wetland Dubai)
    It's covered in pricks
    , performs magic tricks
    in top hat, in tails and white tie!

    Watch out for turnips in June
    Oh poop. Round two:
    Watch out for turnips in June
    by the light of a silvery moon
    They explode at a touch
    maiming your crotch
    And mature at the root far too soon
    My apple is home to a worm
    My bottom is home to a germ carefully lowering the tone.
    And both, it is said
    Will answer to "Fred"
    It's enough to make anyone squirm
    Whilst cutting a slice of Red Leicester Spelling puns?
    (In my job as a milk product teicester)
    I cut through a vein
    While concealing disdain
    and died in the old Zoo in Chester
    Lim MC! I'll go first. Manor Park
    ??? "Oh What a lark!"
    to frolick in the buff
    Kim - I think your excellent first line may have been too subtle for some ... sorry chaps ...
    Kim - Lim MC! I'll go first. Manor Park
    Chalky - Then I'll follow in kind. Cutty Sark !
    Ladies, perhaps you could explain the rules of how Lim MC works. Ordinary limericks work along the premise that lines 1, 2 and 5 rhyme, whilst 3 and 4 do also. Furthermore 1, 2 and 5 have typically nine syllables, whilst 3 and 4 have five. given that you've set a precedent that lines or names or moves(whatever term one should use) 1 and 2(and presumably 5) have four syllables, how many should 3 and 4 have? Or is that not important?
    Oops! I meant to say "1 and 2(and presumably 5) have three syllables", but you get the gist.
    If you read out the whole line 1 & 2 including the italicised part .. you will see that Kim and I have a perfect 9 syllables each :-) [oh ... and Kim is a chap]
    *chortles* don't worry kim, I was accused of being a lady last week on the MCiOS chat room. just talk about football, that'll give them the idea, offside ref fullback pies burberry army.
    Goodness me, Chalky. I'd never have spotted that. That's fantastic. My apologies however to you, Kim for presuming.

    Ahem, anyway, I'll give this a go. Here's my move:

    Then Bank I shall try.
    To Debden I'll fly
    Pah! That's a ploy pioneered on the Ark!!
    To play Kightsbridge gets me a podume.

    [I'm keeping up with the Lim MC theme. I figure that we ought to keep going 'til someone finds their way to MC. Also, to make the game even more fiendishly clever, all MC-based 'extras' like declaring home stations, aquiring snoods and podumes, bifurcations, issues of spoon etc. should be incorporated into the rhyme. Pretty groovy huh? Should make the game not only more interesting but more of a challenge. I can't wait t see how folk play it in Limericks if someone(God forbid) starts up a Dollis Hill loop.]
    [now I realise why you folks, like Chalky and Dujon and Rosie and the Doc were pleased to see me return. It's 'cos I've always brought some strange permutation into the game at hand, thereby redrafting or abusing the game mechanics, in the past(at Pants) haven't I? Like Charades interrupting a game of BallyKissangels or turning Good News/Bad News into a horror story. My apologies to those of you who don't like it. I'm a rogue some might say.]
    [I tell you what would be cool to do as a game - Limerick Charades. Whereas Online Text Charades differs from Sound charades in that it takes the form of a transcript of a conversation between two people(usually Dougal and Hamish), Limerick Charades would be a transcript in the form of a Limerick, from which we all guess the book, film song or play. Person 1 would have lines 1, 3 and 5, while person 2 would get 2 and 4. Now that would be a challenge, don't you think?]
    But only if Bank's got enough room
    For when at Russell Square
    et si Monumentum requiris . . .
    I'm confused (2 brain cells both, working over time).I liked the old Limerick game progress only confuses me......sigh.....
    Fawning Till Pleasant
    (Widey)I'm with you on that. This reminds of the entry in the Hungarian Phrase Book for Travellers "Lo! the train has left the rails". Time to get the cranes out.
    Nah, just needs a bit of routine track maintenance...
    To play Knightsbridge gets me a podume [doesn't scan all that well, Thax :P]
    If Bank's only got enough room
    For when at Russell Square
    Oval freem ain't all there
    Credit where it's due and all, I think it was Kim's idea. Seems if it wants to carry on organically it will do just that; but I'm with Rosie and widey - plain old limericks'll do me a treat, fanks.
    (and if you're looking for a definition of a limerick, you could do worse than start here)
    [rosie] phrase books are great - I had one that got lost in the move that had a whole section on what to yell out during sex... in French.
    [Tidying up]
    To play Knightsbridge gets me a podume
    If Bank's only got enough room
    For when at Russell Square
    Oval freem ain't all there
    So Wapping's the one, I presume?
    In Egypt they do things with geese
    which involve using feathers and grease
    But in France and Japan
    They just flush the pan Of course in Italy it's called the Po.
    And then smear each other with cheese
    On a radio station in Cheshire
    They interviewed old M C Escher
    whose illusory art
    Was oft known to start
    With a hunt for some long-buried treasure
    I said not to mention the war
    But you did, you incredible bore
    Forget the Armada
    Let's dance the Lambada
    Until we both collapse to the floor!
    There was a young lady from Venus
    who discovered a thing which was heinous hoping this doesn't go in the obvious direction.....
    It was firm and quite stiff
    and on top was a quiff!
    (Use a clean handkerchief)
    Bugger! Missed the warning. Follow widey.
    did we miss the last line there ? Are we being squeamish ?

    Since you ask, that's a gun in my pocket

    I shall pull it out, aim it and cock it
    With unerring aim
    But no malice or shame
    But it could go off early if knockéd Coat!
    I once wrote a poem, it's true,
    But ask me to show 'em, I'll sue going with po-em...
    The verse was quite blank
    But exceedingly frank
    And the sentiment expressed was blue
    What is the meaning of this?

    There was a young lady from Venus
    Who discovered a thing which was heinous
    It was firm and quite stiff
    And on top was a quiff

    She exclaimed "Something has come between us!"
    Breadmaster - What is the meaning of this?
    Chalky - You promised perpetual bliss
    But your penis is tiny
    And your voice is so whiny
    And you're constantly out on the piss!
    I once heard a fellow named Guy
    Had set sail on the great Bering Sea
    He found that the boat
    Smelled throughout of dead goat
    And the gunnels were filled with horse pee
    What a charming impression it makes
    When you stuff up your mouth full of cakes
    If you fall to the ground
    And attempt to expound
    on aught but the Progress of Rakes.
    On reading this website I find
    It quite tedious and unkind (but not really!!)
    And when you arrive
    The place is alive it is, it is!
    With the sound of the Crescenter's mind. ... except the BanterGame today :-(
    It's a year since this site went on-line
    And we've all had a jolly fine time
    So please raise your glass
    Put a cork in your arse Sorry to lower the tone, but this is getting a bit smug.
    To say cheers, rab & Nik - it's just fine. [Rosie] Why apologise? FWIWIMHO - not smug, just right.
    A pat on the back is OK
    So long as we don't lose our way
    Let's try not to boast
    Just nod to our host
    Without getting too over-gay.
    I am happy and clappy and gay!
    I am the new vicar, let us pray
    For it's said, love thy neighbour
    On the sabbath, don't labour No problem. Just getting up is bad enough.
    And don't covet your friends' nuts in May.
    To begin a new week it is wise
    To slap a young wench on the thighs
    But not on her bum
    Or the back of her tongue
    Lest you suffer an early demise!
    Reportedly, I have been shot
    That's the press for you, is it not? Unless it's true, of course.
    The news story stated
    That I'd bifurcated
    That Raak's implicated
    after Kim: in a complex and intricate plot
    after Twiki: I'd ne'er bifurcated 'till now
    But in the future I will, that I vow
    Till I chanced upon this magic cow bifurcating, natch
    I'll split an' I'll splice / Her twink-er-ling udders [bifurcating with a vengeance]
    I'll chop and I'll dice / Quite gave me the shudders
    Re-uniting? No way.../But her double cream's good...
    I'll allow
    I sat on the barstool, confused
    Which way round the Med had I cruised?
    my head swum with gin
    And a hellish loud din
    Why, oh why, had I never refused?
    In order to lose seven stone
    I gave our pet dog my thigh bone
    And my head to the cat
    who was sprawled on the mat
    Now I'm lighter but can't use the phone
    I broke my New Year's reolution
    I broke my New Year's resolution
    And failed to give up prostitution
    It's a lucrative game
    For a pantomime dame
    And does wonders for the constitution - accent on the "the". Sorry but I don't know how to draw the line (in html).
    B'smith - nice one ... a simple < hr > without the spaces does the trick :-)
    When I go to Luton I take
    A bottle of ready-soused hake
    A sandwich of spam
    A freshly killed lamb
    And a herb-stuffed and roasted corncrake.
    I've just found a bat in my tea!
    But do I play cricket? Not me!
    Though I have this box
    It's storage for socks
    That's quite handy I'm sure you'll agree and now a drum-roll please...............
    Wey hey!! Thanks once again Chalkers.
    I've just found an owl in my pint!
    Can the pussy-cat be far behind?
    (tricky) or is it a scene in my mind
    Though the grog's made me blind (not such good form.)
    And my verse is quite blank you will find-t. There is no word in the English language that rhymes with pint, otherwise I am sure that the great Sir John Betjeman would surely have written about beer in Slough.
    I think's there's a man in my garden!
    (In the suburbs of Henly in Arden)
    Perhaps he's a gnome
    I wish he'd go home
    'Cause his stance is beginning to harden.
    teehee
    The Grimblepritz lives in a cave
    He does not know how to behave
    He once caused a fight
    Then used dynamite
    Instead of a razor to shave.
    The Flubadub rubs on a tub
    Which comes from the hub of a sub
    But a bop with a mop
    And a fop who's a sop
    Scrub mud with the grub from the club
    blast!
    I've just bought a cake in Dundee
    I'm taking it home for my tea
    But Hamish and Dougal Oblig.?
    Have been somewhat more frugal
    and boiled up a brew from old-wee (yuk)
    Duh-da-da-duhhh
    There was a young lady called Annie
    Who loved a good old Hootenaney
    While taking a dance
    She'd rip off her pants
    For a doh-si-doh with her Aunt Fanny.
    Now, fanny may mean many things
    For Yank and Brit different bell rings
    The way that it parses
    In the US it's arses
    But whichever it is, it mings.sorry girls, don't mean it really, it just rhymed and made me laugh
    There once was a Turtle named Walter
    Who attended the Conference of Yalta Very long-lived, turtles, so probably still alive. But then, so am I. :-)
    with wit and with charm
    And the twist of an arm
    He succeeded in annexing Malta.
    all above] BRAVO !
    I'll second that
    'Tis a while since I posted a line
    - been busy stealing the fog from the Tyne
    So why-aye, alreet
    man, leave us the sleet (Proj)You bin read'n' Viz again?
    So we've got a reason to bitch and whine.♣
    ÕÒÞ§¡ I forgot to add the hard return. ♣
    There once was this fellow from Lund
    who embezzled his firm's pension fund
    He put large amounts
    Into offshore accounts oblig.
    And claimed it was the lottery he'ed just won'ed
    plump] OUCH!
    My offshore account on Madeira
    Is filled to the rafters with Lira
    The int'rest is high
    I'm not quite sure why
    Now I fear the pursuit of Megaera.
    A kidney that's doubled in size
    May give you a giant surprise,
    If you tighten your belt
    The squeeze will be felt
    Even after we’ve closed our flies.
    There once was a farmer named George,
    that was supposed to be the start of the next piece of art..... (how is that accomplished....? maybe a little sweet person can tell me one day?)
    I'm not a sweet little person but I'll tell you today. Follow this link ...
    http://mustela.phyast.pitt.edu/basichtml.html
    To be fair to the Spanish Armada
    They just needed to sail a bit harder
    For the atlantic drift (its true i watched a tellie program an all)
    May have tightened their rift
    Gee... thx Chalky I think I’ve got it! And they turned home again and got nada…
    There was once a farmer named George
    Whose cow,(name of Daisy), would gorge
    On the best golden wheat
    Then kick George in the seat
    So he fit her custom shoes in his forge
    It's just ten and six in this style
    Tho' not many sold for a while
    But if Sir likes it tighter
    Or pinker, or whiter
    Our surgeon is quite versatile.
    "I shall now make a lat'ral incision
    then a transversal cut with precision
    Then carefully ... oooops
    I delve in the forests at night.
    In search of the rare woodland sprite
    Is it here? Is it there?
    I don't really care
    The pub's open,I'm off, nighty-night!
    Sagacity, some of the time, ...
    can display itself as a good rhyme
    However, beware!
    For knowledge is ne'er
    That Projoy committed a crime
    When screwing make sure to turn right
    While gripping the screwdriver tight
    When banging a nail
    You are sure not to fail
    Provided you do it at night.
    The truth is, your honour, I'm mad
    Which is why, in this kumquat I'm clad
    So do, please, acquit me
    You see, it don't fit me
    It needs taking in just a tad.
    I’m so glad that we made it tonight,
    Although, to be fair, it weren't right
    We're both dressed in lace
    There's jam on your face
    And my trousers are really too tight
    It hasn't upset me at all
    That autumn is also called fall
    After fall winter raises
    No prospect of daisies
    And back to the start of it all.
    I can see in my payslip today
    That tonite’ we’ll have stone soup with hay
    But when I were a lad
    (I were told by me Dad)
    We 'ad rhubarb wi' custard AND clay.
    T'problem wi' t'youth of t'day
    They cannot spell and don’t want to pay
    For some government schemes
    Or Tony Blair's dreams
    So sod'em that's what I say
    There was a young lad from Calcutta
    Who invented a new type of putta
    using Hindi technique
    and a pelican beak
    He was swiftly denounced as a nutter
    So what do you make of this boil?
    I’d put in salt and add some oil,
    But the bit that annoys so
    Leaks a yummy pastry dough
    ...buried 6 feet under top-soil.
    She said her name was SinnerElla (?),
    Drawing the line... here:
    She said her name was SinnerElla (?), (sorry, forgive a humble whoresman from the stable...)
    She'd been familiar with this 'ere rich fella
    How cared not for the poor
    e jes wanted to do 'er
    So they discretely retired t'cellar.
    Ah've fergotton 'ow ter tork proper
    And me grammar were coming a cropper
    Ah drops all me 'aitches
    But how Mr Henry replaces
    ...a Queens head by using a chopper? (maybe ‘enery the eight thought his wives talked too much?)
    ....long ago in a land far away,
    lived a sly beast by name of Foreplay
    What he did with his tongue
    Could replace a bad hung
    - over sentence which might go astray.
    Well Hello, Blunder et al - good game eh?
    9/10 for scansion.
    It's not right, but we'll make do for now
    We'll stick to the guidelines somehow
    But really, it's torture
    And really, you oughtcher
    Oops...
    And really, you oughtcher
    Convert from your voodooism to Tao? Hi Chalky et al. Nice site for nice people it seems (sofar!).
    "It’s the house-rule!", she said, and undressed,
    So the cop put her under arrest
    "You can't do that 'ere"
    "Put on your brassiere"
    "You'll 'ave time fer all that at the inquest."
    :)
    He booked'er and tooked'er downtown
    In the backseat ha said: “Please cool down!” Hi Oegy, nice lines!
    She said, "But I'm hot."
    "And I notice you've got
    Your hosepipe caught in my nightgown".
    If the plural of moose is ... well, moose
    That's English - it's always quite loose
    But mooses or meeces
    Mongoose or mongeeses
    Try getting it right? What's the use?
    The teacher looked straight at the class.
    She said: "Now, if you don't pass,
    I'll take you outside
    And tan your backside oblig.
    Till I've took the shine off your brass. Hi Blunder ... thanx
    There once was a lascivious louse,
    Who pursued a sweet tender titmouse
    “May I bite your left tit?”
    She giggled a bit
    And said, "Not without showing more nous."
    There must be a way to ensure
    That lines contain wit, not manure
    If there is we don't know it
    "Bugger, that's blown it"
    So lets all rhyme "wit" with "ordure"
    (talking about farming…) A farmer once said to his milkmaid:
    "Have you ever heard excellent filk played" Milkmaid??
    " It sounds pretty good" [yes, Blunder - if you're intending to swamp us with your contributions - it's considered non de rigeur to post a rhymeless word in here. ]
    As a parody should I suppose there's always Marco Polo's job...
    ...and me hayloft’s a good place to get laid…
    One iamb and these two anapaests,
    felt lines could grow outo’ their chests,
    they wrote lines, one good meter
    two – three feet, and no cheater
    Thanks for the lesson! Did all pass the tests?
    A metrical system with feet ?
    Well, I'm close to admitting defeat I know it doesn't really matter and I shouldn't care and this is probably just projection over other stuff that's bothering me, but, for heaven's sake, the last one had only one scanning line.
    Sorry, I exaggerated. Two scanning lines.
    Don’t give up, help is near!Here I've found some useful hints regarding Limericks: http://www.limericks.org/pentatette/whatis.htm
    Let us raise a great cheer
    For a decent one when it's complete.
    *great cheer*
    Know what you're saying Projoy - and even though it shouldn't really matter [in the wider scheme of things], it kind of does matter. I am consoled by the evidence that all three limerick games invariably suffer phases of crappiness, but right themselves eventually.
    There were a young lad, like, from 'ull That's a capitalapostrophe, by the way.
    Who resembled a young herring gull
    Though his bill wasn’t red,
    'e 'ad nowt in 'is 'ead PJ] a quite justified outburst, imbued with a marvellous level of pathos.
    It's as well 'e 'ad a thick skull.
    Pj] I sort of figure I haven't been around long enough around to get to express annoyance, and should just keep listening and watching and seeing how it's done... But when all someone would have to do is swap the word order, or leave out one modifer, to have a line that would work... Well, it seems disrespectful of the forum to not take the extra 10 seconds to make sure.
    But still, in the great scheme of things
    We must all learn to suffer the slings
    Don’t give up come what may
    For there will come a day
    When some are Beggars and we are the Kings
    There once was a girl who was single,
    And her toes, they always would tingle
    As she imagined her beau
    With fame, looks, and dough
    making all their naughty bits mingle. Disgraceful!
    Why is it that windows can shatter
    And why is it women do chatter?
    We should blame Billy Gates! This is an utterly serious matter! Linux may not be perfect either, but there's no big noise when it shatters ;-)
    And all his rich mates!
    This is an utterly serious matter! Sorry, couldn't resist.
    There are some occasions, I’ve heard Kim, it's OK. 'twas supposed to be the second line but Software had more well-oiled keys and you are the smartest of us all I guess?
    When someone assumes the absurd
    Like: I’m here – I exist !
    And I'm totally pissed!
    So sorry we are for what occurred.
    Sir Leofric and Lady Godiva
    Well Leofic once tried to swive her First time medieval literature module has come in useful
    But her chastity belt
    Was now was sorely felt
    So he couldn't be a muff diver. I'll...just...
    ....draw a line....
    The trouble with eating in bed
    Is that bedbugs demand to be fed
    And the crumbs in your bum
    Go all crusty then hum
    Let’s eat at the Waldorf instead.
    Her heart was as cold as an ice cube
    And lips turned blue when kissing her left boob (o)(o)
    But the risk of Frost Bite
    When I clasped her so tight
    ...think I’ll grease my lips with an anti-frost lube?
    in those days when women were chaste,
    Men's romantic trust was misplaced
    Years spent away on crusades rush the 'time spent' bit
    Left at home merry maids [pen] Or just drop the "away"?
    who's lust was for thrust and not rust!
    *calling in a "this doesn't rhyme" objection, although the line is v good...
    ... just when things were beginning to look up. Tut.
    who's lust was for thrust, no time to waste!
    I do my poofreading with MS-Word,
    This is the best thing I’ve never herd !
    But if you want to Excell,
    And to scan and perfectly spell
    Don't use spellcheck, use a dictionary instead! Some of Mr Gates' "suggestions" are laughable.
    I will post no more lines to this site
    Cause B Gates are dating me tonight
    Are been messed around ;)
    And my output are turning to sh*te OK then, it's back to the basics. Now people, pay attention...
    There once was a barmaid from Sale
    Who had lovely big jugs full of ale
    She came to my table
    And asked: Are you able…
    And that was the end of my tale.
    A good-natured nudist from Crew
    Lost his sweater in Birmingham zoo
    He searched high and low
    but what he didn't know (my last effort did rhyme if you look at the first line, as it always does if you count in time...so yah boo sucks to ZK
    [widey] With respect, it didn't. "Chaste" and "rust" just don't rhyme. Feel free to elucidate if you feel they do.
    Was that it had been et - by a gnu
    I have a confession to make
    I just ate a seven-pound cake.
    I now weigh twelve stone
    Yet I'm still skin and bone!
    cause all that I eat is just fake?
    Once the Bishop of Westminster Abbey
    the metre-maid
    The Bishop of Westminster Abbey
    Had a scandalous fling with a cabbie
    Then His Holiness said:
    Eat my body, my bread
    (that should have been in quotes)
    "Go on, It's not all that flabby Where is that coat of mine?
    Three amphibrachs: feminine ending.
    on hold for a Limerick pending
    judicious deployment (Projoy) There's me amphibrachs, matey; where are yours? :-)
    delicious enjoyment..my favorite amphibrachs. Cheers all!
    [Rosie] - Ensuring avoiding offending
    [Rosie] There you go. I've often wondered whether you can only count whole words as feet or whether you can run over the barlines, so to speak. Is the first line above made of three amphibrachs, or a single syllable followed by two dactyls then a trochee? Perhaps there is no answer.
    These wierdos are speaking in Greek!
    True Britons the baselines must seek! Me neither Greek nor Brit...
    Let's talk Anglo-Saxon (Projoy) I think you can run over the barlines, as you say, if the two words are part of a phrase but I think it would be stretching the definition to breaking point to call that first line 3 amphibrachs. One possibly i.e. "amphibrach" but I'm not sure where the stress lies. It's not in my Concise Oxford Dictionary 1964. Too bloody concise, obviously. :-)
    Let’s rhyme that with huuh...... Jackson
    Now I talk and I look like a freak.
    They met at the bar 'Lotus Flower',
    At the foot of Pisas leaning tower
    She sipped a Martini
    He showed her his "weeny"
    They both slipped away for a shower
    [Rosie] I think the word "amphibrach" is a dactyl, stress on the first syllable. I must admit (perhaps because of a musical sort of background) I'd never really considered the whole-phrases question in that light. In music it's 3/4 (or whatever) regardless of the lyrics fall. By that perception a limerick line is always three amphibrachs (or two and an iamb), whatever the enjambement. It's when you get into freer verse, like sonnets, that it gets really hard to judge. We had a discussion a while back about whether "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day" is really five iambs, or (as your view suggests) a dactyl, spondee, anapest and iamb (or maybe choriamb, dactyl, antibacchius). Anyway, the only reason for posting on it was that I just found this, which is surely the most definitive list of metrical feet to be found on the web. Anyone for some double asclepiads?
    So Crowley Deck's a Tarot-dactyl
    Don’t ask me, I think they used butyl? (Toby, I don't get what you're aiming at, but in Greek mythology the Dactyls were a strange race of creatures associated with the goddess Cybele and they were believed to live on Mount Ida and invented the art of working metals into usable shapes with fire)
    (And as this site seems to be a good place for education, here’s a little something to enlighten your tarot knowledge? http://www.bureau-13.com/crowleys_deck.html)
    It's a pun. The phrase is a dactyl; I was aiming at dinosaurs.
    And there are things that rhyme with it.
    There once was a Tarotic Dino; Who courted a horny young Rhino; The made love for a week; And they danced cheek to cheek; After while came a Wine-Dine Bambino
    What happened to The Back to Basics campaign? Were you not listening, Toby and anonymouse? Tsk,tsk.
    There was a bling-merchant from Slough
    who's only friend was a cow!
    But he sold her for beans, *apologising for the slightly irregular metre*
    And you know what that means
    He had to let Grandma pull the plough. So, we’re back to basics huh? Considering she’s just 90 and is eating like a horse it’s OK with me ;-)
    There once was a preacher in Venice
    who had a big red engine called dennis
    And he played with his toy
    allow me ...
    There once was a preacher in Venice
    Who had a red engine called 'Dennis'
    He played with his toy
    Bringing solace and joy
    As an arsonist he was a menace.
    Oh, show me the way to go home!
    I tire and would fain go to bed
    [Kim] Or "to Rome", maybe? Or "v'dome"?
    Cause I’m longing so for Jerome, We will meet in Kim’s bed hi Projoy, please carry on...
    for reasons best unsaid (Marc) As far as I know, Kim is a bloke, as I am too. :-)
    (But let’s nail ‘im down at his tome;-) ... arn't we all blokes doing what we do right now??
    There once was a man on the Moon
    But no-one is going back soon
    The cost was tremendous
    The locals horrendous
    And the shops kept on shutting at noon.
    I can't stand a woman who moans *female author get-out clause declared*
    And who nags, bickers, argues and drones *quickly getting out of the room declared*
    So when I have time
    I will teach her to mime
    And keep her away from the phones.
    There was a young lad from Madras
    Trained a rather intelligent ass     As one does.
    It could mime and eat apples
    chew dildos, make fallefels
    and prove theorems by Pythagoras (a square ass indeed!)
    You sleep very well in Dundee
    Unless stung on the nose by a bee
    But under your kilt oblig.
    is the source of your guilt Ooh, deep insight.
    and that which thou useth to pee.
    Whilst swimming with old Jacques Cousteau
    I noticed black shadows below
    I pointed and said
    "I thought Blackbeard was dead!"
    “But look out, cause he’s still on the show!”
    She once got this funny idea
    To make Humpty Dumpty a peer
    But dubbing his shell
    Caused the poor egg to swell
    And cracked up his lovely veneer.
    In the grand scheme of things - on the whole,
    We may soon end up in - a black hole,
    On the road – let’s have fun!
    Before we become
    Singularitarly out of control
    The tortuous path to nirvana
    Is halituous using marijuana
    [anonymouse] You have enriched my knowledge of English.
    To light up a spliff
    And crash out like this
    [Raak]It is explained in OneLook (halituous=like breath; vaporous) and the line is supposed to mean that you end up as smoke instead of reaching nirvana if you are stupid enough to use that drug (please also note the attemt to get a double rhyme with line 1).
    You’d better turn left in Botswana?
    She walked along Copacabana
    masked by nought but a smoking Havana
    But when the wind blew
    up her dress flew!
    some white-space here In a
    Clearly provocative manner.
    (revealed she’s a Fata Morgana?)
    In order to make a white sauce
    To compliment your favorite fish course
    Take some butter and flour
    Stir at least once an hour
    Then remove from the pan with brute force!
    Soft bran, taken three times a day,
    For chick’s, to keep the cock away, ...birdie nam nam...
    Little chicks that are fed
    Little chicks in my bed....
    It'll fix all their ailments, hooray! [Marc] <mode="patronise"> line four scanned wonderfully, nearly there with line two ;-) </mode>
    Please look at my lovely new bladder!
    A loan from my grandma’s puff adder,
    The large venom sac
    Can be strapped on my back
    And doubles-up as a nice ladder
    My sting then may spit a big splatter (using rhyming license 2684, US-accent imitation, and [Bigsmith] "Age before beauty!" ;-)
    (Which is banned at the Henley Regatta)
    [Marc] I believe the usual retort to "age before beauty" is "pearls before swine". :) Continuing from what I take is UK's second line of a limerick beginning with your last line...
    I must first get my coat
    Then as ‘Korky’ we’ll float…
    As my world may suddenly shatter.
    Red Baron chased this Sopwith Camel,
    Steered his plane - one eye of enamel,
    One tooth of pure steel,
    And a screw-off left heel
    Curse you!, you Teutonic trammel
    I'm itching to tell you my news!
    Termites are eating the pews!
    The vicar's gone mad!
    There’s nothing to add!...lots of !!! tonite...
    Does all of this tend to bemuse?
    You know, I look forward to Monday
    'Cos it always comes right after Sunday (grabbing the only rhyme for "Monday" in the language...)
    Tho' Saturdays tend
    To mark the weed's end One epiphany after another, this one...
    Goddammit, "weeks's", you know I meant
    Oh, I give up.
    ...let’s hope you are through before Friday?
    They Samba a lot down in Rio,
    While driving in a Renault Clio
    So when you cross the street
    Don't look at your feet
    Just do it all with style e con brio.
    “I can’t dance but I’m yours!” she said,
    "But you'll find that I'm alright in bed"
    So under the duvet
    We play games that two play taking the male voice for this line
    She came first past the post by a head.
    disgraceful!
    It's time for a nice cup of soup
    Because everything else I throw up (Northern accent declared)
    …unless whiskey you add… (any accent possible)
    ...then you won't feel so bad (RP invoked)
    Though it may cause a case of the droop.
    "The game," Sherlock said, "is afoot!"
    "Let's follow these footprints of soot!" (It could happen)
    My dear Watson, however,
    Not nearly so clever
    Quite ugly, and bald as a coot
    There's a bloke that works in our office
    Who says he's the author of Sophos (the virus)
    He is bald but not bold
    and frankly looks old
    But his code's not as vile as his cough is.
    Standing naked, on hill, with eyes closed
    Is not as much fun as supposed
    It gets rather chilly
    Around the old willy ... Yeah, I know - coat!
    Not mentioning things unexposed....
    She couldn’t resist what she saw,
    The (shining) gold-tooth in his upper jaw,
    The stainless steel hand
    his wooden leg and..
    .. his triumph in the Lotto™ draw.
    his hardwood dick without any flaw.alternative ending and line 4: one banger, tin canned?
    [Marc] are we supposed to applaud your lines 2, 4 & 5? :-)
    [Chalky] no, they are submitted just as examples of lines that should be banned from a serious site like this and any mature person writing such should be ashamed! ;-)
    There are times when it’s nice to be mean,
    Mr Average, Joe Cool, Mr Clean
    are all personal friends
    And we follow the trends
    Kicking ass, giving bruises bluish green. do you mean 'mean' or just 'mean'?
    Now soon it is time for the Harley,
    Said my friend, dear old, old Jacob Marley, indirect statement sloppily invoked
    He first got a TATTOO
    His Hells Angels membership came through
    So he downed a brewed barrel of barley. [plump] Don't let Penelope see that line...
    There once was a Jackalope hunter,
    There once was a Jackalope hunter,
    Who took on a post as a punter. Argh! No pun intended!
    He punted his boat
    To an island remote
    And hoisted a wild Jackass Gunter
    Some sailors get wet when they're sailing,
    Some whalers get wet when they're whaling
    But me and my crew
    Get seasick, and we spew
    And don't bother to lean o'er the railing
    That last one made me laugh out loud
    And banished my gloomy black cloud ... me too :-)
    So rejoice and be merry
    And toast it with perry
    For being so comicly endowed†
    My spirits have taken a dive
    ; My sandwich of onion and chive unfini...
    Has thrown itself off
    As it forced me to cough
    up all over this 'orrible dive.
    Preventative measures exist
    To stop you from getting too pissed
    Use a plug or a bag ....
    Or the missus will nag
    but don't become misogynist. With suitable syncopation.
    There once was a spy in the Whitehall,
    Who slipped all the mandarins Nytol
    While they were abed
    She sneaked in and read
    Diatribes by Nicholas Whitchall

    That's not what a hoover is for! (just watched Belleville Rendez-vous)
    Er, <hr>
    It's supposed to be used on the floor!
    That's not what a hoover is for! (just watched Belleville Rendez-vous)
    It can suck, it can blow,
    *Uses nail scissors on the knot in the loop of the space-time continuum*
    That's not what a hoover is for!
    It's supposed to be used on the floor!
    It can suck, it can blow,
    And in case you don't know
    Cannot love, but so what? vive l'amour
    (sorry for the multipost - it sprang upon me)
    The conductor put down his baton
    And eyed the bassoon, who had spat on... attacca (unfino sentenza)
    the Trumpeters notes...
    , the piccolist's stoats,
    and the third oboe's dad, Derek Hatton.
    [T,PJ,P,R,r] Bravo!
    It is not necessarily true,
    But this apprroximation will do
    That pi is defined
    By two hearts entwined
    Round Rolf Harris, and a didgeridoo
    My hickory dickory dock
    Got caught in the old Vicars jock
    -strap, quite by chance
    As I made an advance
    And that's why I'm now in the dock
    You'll never get me on a train
    I've no courage, no heart, nor no brain [Oz declared]
    I’ll just sit here and wait
    With the scarecrow as bait
    For the witch to come by with her plane.
    She felt that her implants escaped,
    And became a crusader(caped)
    Her rampant enhancement
    Improved the advancement
    But her rearguard was not so well shaped.
    Syntactical tactics like these
    Methodologic'ly ease
    Lexicographer's tricks
    keen semantics
    Impractical praxis will squeeze?
    There once was a Caveman in Soho,
    Who bought Aerosmith's "Honkin' on Bobo",
    Then he hid in his cave
    (There are a few better rhymes for Soho I'm sure)
    For a rock music rave [Lisa] Go on then, now's your chance... :)
    And made a wall painting of his Moho...girls!
    Last night at the ‘Mad Vicar’s’ Pub,
    Known for good spirits and poor grub
    I supped on my beer careful to avoid the dreaded pint rhyme.
    Then felt rather queer
    And went to the Vicar to get a good rub. strange pub indeed?
    make sure that you live! (just in case…)
    we too oft forget in the daily race
    to earn us a crust
    Or do what we must
    To compete in the dawn-to-dusk race
    They framed the U.S. constitution
    And box'd the Chinese revolution.....who?
    But now, just for gays
    They're counting the days
    To marriages of dissolution
    I've a friend who lives out in Taiwan
    Who's a great great grandson of Genghis Khan
    His main occupation [an'ymouse] one less 'great' would be great :-)
    At Waterloo Station
    At the ‘Ladies’ as a standin’ Don Juan. [Chalky] You are right, but for sure he then would have been dead a long time ago, now (really: great great great great ..... grandson) there’s a chance he can still be at service ;-)
    The fat ugly Vicar of Brunswick,
    Got stuck as he tested his new trick
    of sawing in half
    Some poor girl in a scarf
    and a mouse with a strange nervous tick.
    I built the Embankment for drains
    but now they've gone and stuck trains
    underground, I might add
    Cut and cover's quite mad!
    It’s time now to restart the brains.
    Whenever you meet the grim reaper,
    Ask if he knows someone cheaper
    For the business of death
    As described in Macbeth ...nice topic a sunny Monday morning
    Doth cost when the dagger's plunged deeper.
    Contingency plans have been made
    To protect our stash of lemonade
    From life's depredations
    And thirsty Alsations
    but it's gone, all in vain, I'm afraid.
    Clear the decks, light the lights, take a bow! (to rhyme with "how")
    And dress as Jack Hargreaves from How
    but let's "Out Of Town"
    Discard the ball gown
    And quote from "Apocalypse Now"
    I have heard there’s a ghost in Hyde Park,
    Who perpertrates crimes after dark
    For instance, it lifts
    all the prizes and gifts
    and feeds them all to a shark.
    Clear the decks, light the lights, take a bow! (to rhyme with "show")
    Cause tonight they rehearse the echo show
    In the middle they will fiddle (not to rhyme with fiddle!)
    Hey, diddle, diddle
    At the end, they will shout 'Hello!'.... 'Hello!'
    Clear the decks, light the lights, walk the plank
    Load the guns, hoist the sails, get a spank
    Shout "hello sailor"
    To the next passing whaler
    Then unload in next port at the sperm bank? (ever heard of sperm whales?)
    There once was a whaler from Wales,
    Who told many sea-faring tales
    About living on blubber
    and dressing in rubber (Marc) Ever heard of scansion?
    While chopping the tails of the whales [Rosie] maybe we all need a lecture?
    There once grew a Rose in this garden
    Which, treated too roughly, would harden
    With thorns thick and sharp
    And a tough pericarp
    He'd prickle, till you begged his pardon
    The strange things which float in a bath
    Do somtimes, make me giggle and laugh
    Like my pink rubber duck
    And the layer of muck
    Simple tracks ‘long our primrose path
    The snow is all turning to slush
    And spring is approaching, with rush
    Now the pollen count soars
    And those pro-Winter bores :P
    Will shut up and give us some hush!
    While making a nice cup of tea Must be getting old. (Projoy) Too right! On uk.sci.weather (a newsgroup) you can almost hear the sound of toys being thrown out of prams when the snow melts, or doesn't arrive in the first place. :-(
    I reached for the 'oil' to my knee
    Which, swollen and red,
    Suppurated and bled
    So I ’oiled’ the inside of me! Tea and rum is a great lubri-hic’-ant!
    There once was a Limerick forger
    Who tried to rhyme "Lucretia Borgia"
    The result, he found
    Will forever astound
    The folk of Atlanta Georgia
    When directing traffic, beware
    Try connecting me with, a prayer
    John Sellar once said, challenge excepted
    No traffic in bed!
    Cause it's naughty directing it there!
    The lies I have told in my time
    In pursuit of an end so sublime
    That I now laugh and gloat
    And endlessly quote
    How I bought Microsoft for a dime
    There once was a horny old moose, Good (monday)morning all!
    Who'd do anything, just for a goose
    but his quests for a duck...
    met with naught but a cluck
    From a rather alarmed plat-y-pus.
    nice one :-)
    Today I am going to try
    To greet everyone with a lie
    It'll be such a whopper
    You won’t see it’s improper
    It's "My, you look nice, oh my my!"
    I have just seen a long Chinese play
    It lasted three weeks and a day
    Now my bum is so sore
    but I slept through one third
    bugger siml-posts strikes again...
    I really should have wore
    Pink knickers and my fat butt toupee? what do I know, I wasn’t even there!
    There once was a Chinese Chinese, (may one use the same word as adjective and as a noun?? Confucius would approve I’m sure!)
    Who consumed chinese fleas with his peas
    Which was fiendish, because
    just by sweeping the floors
    He filled up his spring rolls with ease.
    There once was a strange type of fly
    Which zipped down from shoulder to thigh
    Revealing a torso
    With no front, nor verso (sorry for the crappy rhyming)
    a very strange insect, by and by. Naff I know but so what...
    King Klaus can reclaim his old crown
    and he did with a scowl and a frown
    Unlike ol' King cole
    Who just toyed wiyth his bowl
    And enjoyed a good party in town!
    Begorrah, 'tis St. Paddy's day! No offence to the Irish intended
    (My apologies for the cli-shay)
    There'll be drinking of Guinness Might as well kepp it going :)
    There’ll be puking and illness (sorry!)
    And a hangover for all of next day.
    It's David's Day down here in Wales Really.
    I bought my calendar, cheap in the sales
    And I'm flying my flag
    Lest my fervour should sag
    I’ll fix it firm with a couple of nails? Ymddiheurwn am unrhyw anghyfleustra y mae hyn yn ei achosi.
    She shivered when his hand touched her knee
    Then recovered and quoted her fee
    Which was four sticks of rock
    and an old carriage clock
    Three badgers and twenty-five pee
    While whisking up Angel Delight (Marc) Ardderchog yw hwnna (Excellent, that). Phrasebook?
    I gave all the angels a fright
    By souring the mix
    With two pheasant chicks [eeuw!]
    And all had to take the next flight. [Rosie] No phrasebook, pure chance! (http://www.llgc.org.uk/)
    There once was a chaste girl who said:
    " I want to be chased into bed"
    "Then chased up the aisle"
    "(But chased with some style)"
    "And, if not, chased with ardour instead"
    A man's got to do, what his woman says,
    Let's replay that in the correct rhythm as it's a first line ..
    a'mouse - A man does what his woman says
    Chalky - When his heart and his loins are ablaze
    A man's got to do, what his woman says, ...please take it from here again, thx...
    Whenever his heart and, his loins are ablaze
    It cuts down on trouble
    But leaves behind stubble [anonymouse/Chalky] I think the line does scan if you treat "woman says" as a feminine rhyme ("A man's got to do what his woman says", rather after the manner of "A marvellous bird is the pelican.
    But it does mean players have to find something to rhyme with "woman says", which is arguably a bit of a mean challenge to set... as there aren't many rhymes for "woman" or "says".
    anonymouse - if I'd wanted to post an 11- syllable line in a Limerick I would have done so and stretched even beyond sonnet metre. If you're offended then I apologise - helpful limer-rhythm hints have long been a feature of these games ... honest!
    And then he will need a sharp raze -or
    In order to drive out the blues
    Lets order a vodka and juice We all must allow for the rule of 'cy pres'! (alternative ending on previous masterpieace, mening we must try doing our best, also pacing our fellow poets
    I'll start again then .. and I promise to do my very very best
    Chalky - It's high time you all went to see
    The next pub, all drinks are on me! Sorry, my keyboard made an unexpected move ;-). My comment should have read: previous masterpeace (sic!), meaning we must all try doing our best, including pacing
    For the barmaid's tattoos unfini...
    Show two jugs full of booze
    And she'll let you taste them for free!
    In order to drive out the blues re-entering...
    Let's order a Vodka and juice
    four pints of Old Scrotum,
    one shot antidotum
    Nothing but sobriety to lose
    Napoleon said to his men
    ”Don’t march like a newly screwed hen!” (sorry, maybe my translation is not exact...?)
    "You must march upright"
    "And only at night"
    "And cluck when I tell you when."
    Who my new doctor is, I don't know,
    But nonetheless I'll boldly show
    Where my problems lie Or should that be 'how'?
    Whether low or high
    For its either my eye or my toe
    Subtract the first number you thought of
    And you will get zero, or sort of
    Then add what is left
    With algebra deft
    This defeats your average plus-four toff.
    The youth of the heart, and the dew
    Has left my back wet, déjà vu? Hi Projoy, nice line! http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiYOUTHART.html
    And old age shall dry
    The spit on my thigh The orange gore-tex please...
    As maturity changes one's view
    Collating statistical data
    Concerning spontaneous stigmata
    Is what I do best
    Dressed in just pants and vest Beg pardon. I've used the line before, but it's a favourite.
    And my fee is just barely pro rata
    In day-glo bikini and shoes Warnings against drinking Lucozade at this time in the morning
    Mrs Thatcher began to peruse Sorry, couldn't resist it
    A bazaar in Bangcock
    where she had the key for a lock
    To unleash a large herd of gnus
    Ted Heath was renowned for his views
    To express which he'd never refuse
    Took no sinecure up
    with his keenness on Europe (Projoy) Is this what you were looking for? Happy to oblige. :-)
    And that is the end of the news.
    one bright Sunday morning in May
    I heard Edward Heath try to say
    "Oi! Get off my face!" [Rosie] Yes, much obliged to you. :)
    "I'm trying to race!"
    “Before you find out that I’m gay!”
    An MP once said to his wife:
    "I will not do 'This Is Your Life'!
    But next day in the Sun
    On page number 1
    "My childhood was rough" claims were rife
    Is hist'ry repeating itself?
    By getting all news off the shelf ?
    Again and again?
    it all seems the same!
    All gone is our News Fairy Elf? (... if she ever existed?)
    There once was a virgin in Brest
    Whose secret was hid 'neath a vest
    She never removed it
    But there was s surfeit
    Of hair, so she covered her chest.
    I met with a man in a tent
    In the garden of England, or Kent
    But the Medway's in spate
    And he may become late (As in, "the late Arthur Dent".)
    Cause I noticed his wiener was bent
    I’m sure that I’ve lived once before
    For circa ten years and three score
    t'was the life of a monk
    To such depths had I sunk
    -- Reincarnation is really a bore!
    My brain is beginning to hurt
    As soon as I look up a skirt
    While I lie on the floor
    'cos from there you see more
    I'm the most extreme kind of flirt.
    Can I get fifty kilos of cheese?
    In my handbag? I can if I squeeze
    Add twelve boxes of wine ...party time?
    A large 'Party' sign ... oh yes!
    And thus make a trap for John Cleese
    Go on - do your funniest walk!
    The one where you make like a stork
    And bring in a baby.
    Or make one? (well, maybe....)
    or is it no action and all talk!.
    Don't ply me with gifts and strong drink!
    They impede my ability to think!
    That I’m witty and wise!
    And I have slender thighs
    And alcohol makes my breath stink.
    We're one hour late and we’re free!
    We defected from old B.S.T
    Now the evenings are lighter [pen] GMT, shurely?
    And our future seems brighter
    So why can't we stick with C.E.T?
    When something just doesn't make sense
    It's best not to get too intense
    Say "La la, don't care!"
    Or say a li’l prayer?
    It's much better to sit on the fence.
    Few things leave me sadder than this:
    It's too long since I last had a kiss :o(
    and it's not halitosis Perish the thought!
    Or unflattering clotheses
    I guess Cupid's arrow did miss.
    A miss is as good as a mile
    A wink is as good as a smile
    But a mink is as good
    As a corduroy hood
    And far more elegant in style.
    There once was a miss dressed in mink
    Beneath, she wore lingerie, pink
    . She wore sandals of teak
    On her face, a false beak
    And a carrot where no-one would think!
    There once was a parrot named Jack (Good line Uncle!)
    And the toughest of nuts he would crack
    But he swore like a trooper or schoolgirls on the top of a bus
    , was a real party pooper
    And was rough with the chicks in the sack.
    Beware, cause soon it’s April fools day
    And tricks upon you they will play
    Putting salt in your tea
    Playing reverse MC
    And telling your mother you're gay
    Not that I'm planning anything...
    Its fun to get back at your mate
    And set him up with a blind date
    Who is genuinely blind
    And hopefully don’t mind
    Going halves on whatever you ate
    I sense that I came here before
    And hope you forgive and ignore
    My latest faux pas
    When I called your mama
    A nag and quite frankly, a bore
    There once was a fellow called Eric
    A really exceptional cleric
    He had just one vice
    He was frightened by mice
    So he ate them and that is barbaric ! (says anony-mouse!)
    A ravishing woman in need
    Is something to treasure indeed
    But no mere hussy
    Would ere be so fussy
    'bout choosing with whom she should breed! Coat!!!
    A secret held by Michael Grade
    A drink that makes old maidens laid: http://www.expressmedia.co.uk/malcrfl/grade.htm
    Try with Baileys, it works
    And one of the perks
    Is you're paid if you sprayed when she's splayed
    I have time for the old BBC
    And, yet, it has no time for me
    Disillusioned by Hutton,
    I'll push the 'OFF' button,
    and then explode in a fit of joy and glee!!
    The great thing about Channel 4
    Is you know that you've seen it before And now on Channel Four...Friends....
    This is Global, you know! ... not only Channel 4, also Chanel 5!
    And our favourite show
    Will be screened several times more
    When sick, ill or poorly, one should
    Get hold of a quarter, one could?
    Whatever that means
    In hot fever dreams
    Be a fraction more to the good
    When faced with a barrage of lies
    And attempts to pull wool o'er my eyes
    I'll start screaming, in Welsh
    And then loudly belch
    "Mae hi wedi cachi arna i"s!"
    The languages spoken in Wales
    , As one pulls from ones eyes certain scales,
    Seem quite out of tune
    With 'Au Clair de la Lune
    Though singing when telling Welch tales
    His name was Llywelyn the Last
    And he spoke in Welsh - very fast
    His demise, it was gory
    But it made a great story
    With choruses sung by the cast.
    His last name, 'tis true, was Llewellyn
    He was known as a renegade felon
    'though Polish by birth
    he lived on Welsh earth
    Ball kicking, but loves honey melon (o)(o) ! Gareth or Chris Llewellyn?
    She played with his balls every night ...new ball game...?
    Even tho' her interest was slight
    But she found that the perks
    Of sleeping with berks
    Made playing with balls quite all right.
    The sock hops I hold in my shed
    Has made all my neighbours see red
    There's blood up the walls
    and stains on my balls!
    Next time I will make them co-ed
    He was told by his dear Uncle Andy:
    "My boy, I am feeling quite randy"
    He ran off with a cry
    When I bit his thigh
    Cause he feared I was after his candy.
    In search of a drink alcoholic
    To make my pet terrapin frolic
    I chancéd upon
    Spiked tea from Ceylon
    For which all claims are quite hyperbolic. Worth a try, though, I'm sure. :-) (Chalky) V. classy!
    These stories are utterly false
    I’ve heard from the rear of the horse false rhyme warning!
    They're a load of manure (Marc) Yeah, difficult, but there is a rhyme for "false", which I'm saving for line 5, unless someone else gets there first.
    And their rhythm unsure though somewhat dancing, Rosie?
    It sounds like a hesitant waltz.
    The night-clubs of old Budapest (anonymouse, Darren) through which flows the Blue Danube, of course.:-)
    Won't let anyone in in a vest
    The dress code's so strict
    And guests are handpicked
    But once in, you can then get undressed.
    The most famous thing about York (that last one was great!)
    Was his monstrous penchant for 'pork' (Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and whichever form of pork you fancy)
    But he fell on his sword
    Whene'er he was bored
    And then stabbed his fat rear with a fork
    One morning they'd breakfast in bed,
    The next they would play being dead
    On the third, they'd be silly
    By smearing hot chili
    all over, including his head. Hot stuff!
    There once was a woman who wrote:
    "You can't beat good sex with a goat.
    "The foreplay's not great,
    But the horn is first rate
    (Hang on while I go get my coat)
    although there were a few inviting alternative rhymes if anyone wants to take another shot at that line...
    A dancer named Lionel Blair
    Had a secret and torrid affair
    With Samantha and Sven
    And Bills randy Ben
    It broke up 'cos they wouldn't share
    There once was a dwarf named Bertie
    Whose thoughts was not great, mere dirty
    His grammar was poor
    His mind so impure ;-)
    Girls puked when he tried to get flirty
    I've found, by experimenting
    That good beer is made by fermenting
    hops and pork chops,
    Old, used heads of mops
    but I did work for Watneys. (Repenting).
    Barkeep! A pint of Red Barrel! [T,K,T,s,R] Excellent.
    For my hot new date, Colin Farrell! ;o)
    Make that four pints for me, ...it's monday morn...
    (That'll sure make me wee!)
    And some waterproof under-apparel
    Would my underwear put out a fire?
    Said Marion to Tuck, the Gray Friar,
    My incontinence pants
    Are alive with red ants
    And held up with telephone wire
    A Telephone Line...
    Whilst sitting in a nest of red ants
    He hoped she would take off her pants
    But her circumspection
    Killed off his erection
    And put paid to to her hopes for infants
    Bravo all above!
    An odd-looking cowgirl named Wendy
    Had legs that wer 'specially bendy (don't fight it)
    Astride a large horse
    She performed intercourse
    With a cowboy undressed very trendy.
    There once was a horse in the nude
    Who lived in a field near to Bude
    He frolicked all day
    In a meadow of hay
    Tap dancing all day in good mood. ( "In the Mood"? http://www.budejazzfestival.co.uk/ )
    The stompers are grouping in Bude,
    The stompers are grouping in Bude,..sorry, my mind was already there...
    The things they are doing are lewd
    with a muted trombone
    and an old mobile 'phone
    It's a wonder they've never been sued
    I’m off for vacation today
    Meaning all of you should say 'Hooray'
    Cause we’re free to work hard
    With little regard ... just who is writing this lim now? you? me? all of you? we? they?
    For what pointy-haired bosses might say.
    I've just had a bitch of a day (I'm sorry, but I really have....)
    So please, someone, lead me astray
    I yearn to be kinky
    SLip into something slinky
    and bang away on my Bishop, okay!!.
    The Bishop looked down and then said:
    Just what is that lying in my bed?
    The actress replied
    "It can't be denied,"
    "Now put your mitre back onto your head."
    ”Your Holiness this is too much!" ...interesting subject...?
    "I'm trying to watch Starsky & Hutch"
    "Your bishop, you bash it"
    "It's mine, it's an asset!"
    "Just keep it away from my crutch!"
    He raised his finger and said
    "This digit is made out of bread"
    "If you're sceptical, suck it"
    I did, then threw up in a bucket
    And that's how I ended up dead. Obligatory really!
    She greased him in balm of Gilead
    Then nibbled his earlobes indeed
    But the cedars of Lebanon "eed"?
    Rose 'round them both,(skip beat) tall and strong "But the cedars of Lebanon" ?
    To climb them would need all the will 'e 'ad It rhymes. It scans, more or less.
    One reason for hiding in cedars
    Seems to have escaped Guardian readers ... well rescued Rosie
    But the Times' editorial Inviting obvious rhyme
    Is more lavatorial hook, line & sinker
    With paper so soft, quoting our leaders. ..imagine Tony Blair on the loo…
    As a limerick line this isn't particularly good
    But who says it has to scan all the time Dude
    There once was a sweet little nun Sorry st dog, trying at the best of my ability. What about you?
    Gorged herself on a HUGE sticky bun i am just trying, marc.
    Her wimple exploded
    Her corsets eroded
    For penance, ten thousand "Hail Mary's", now run.
    This flattery might turn my head
    Keep on and my face will turn red ...from choking?
    I'd rather you went
    To a Chinaman's tent
    And screw up all the sheets in his bed Turning heads and screwing, ...it’s not Friday yet!
    Last year was the year of the whores ...as the Chinaman said...
    I can tell you, that opened some doors
    Of brothels, mayhap?
    (For some lucky chap)
    Who tasted temptation live ne'er before
    There once was a girl in Hong Kong
    Who rode on her (w)horse all night long ..obligatory...?
    When daytime would break,
    Her backside would ache
    Because she'd been riding all wrong.
    What sort of riding was she doing? ...coat time I think...
    What sort of verse are you pursuing?
    It's not quite a limerick
    Never mind, we'll give it a lick
    And know good writing we're eschewing.
    Cheese is nice but it can smell quite bad....
    Like the Black-Belted Stilton I once had…
    It walked to my plate
    Its blue eyes filled with hate
    And said, "You're a terrible cad."
    A penguin can make a good pet
    Except that it won't see the vet
    Appetite voracious Cost you a bomb in fish.
    Oh yes, goodness gracious
    The shit will cause trouble you bet!
    Her penguin loved drinks ‘on the rocks’
    And quaffed them, in slippers and socks
    He liked, more than most,
    Champagne, and would toast
    Antarctica! a land he now mocks.
    There once was a Boxer named Stu
    Who’d swept many floors, quite a few
    He polished and scrubbed
    So much, he was dubbed
    And then swept ‘cross the floor by Baloo http://www.njboxinghof.org/cgi-bin/henryseehof.pl?73
    there once was a mailbox quite red
    Its owner was someone who said:
    "Penny stamps cost a pound,"
    "there's inflation around,"
    I'll just send an email instead
    Sorry! :(
    Once a copper with a huge scabby nose
    Danced the Tango with a lass with no clothes
    Said the lass to the copper,
    Treat me nice... but improper,
    And I'll lend you my best pantie-hose.
    Is it proper to finish and start?
    Is it right to set fire to a fart?
    Done both in my time
    But now, in my prime,
    I'll just sit and tuck into this tart
    This tart tastes awful you know.
    But it's good enough in a face to throw....?
    It's messed up my grammar
    P-plays havoc w-with my st-stammer
    And makes terrible rumblings below.
    Give me ALL of your chocolate cake
    Or I'll poke out your eyes with this stake
    It may sound extreme
    That I love cake and cream
    And use violence to get what I take.
    The charm of the Icelandic sagas
    are great but they drive me Banana's
    Think of Noggin the Nog
    Or Hoggin the Hog? (never ‘eard of ‘im though)
    While you sit eating cod round your agas
    Widey... 'Bananas' to rhyme with 'Sagas'??? AND witha greengrocer's apostrophe? Come ON!! And Bigsmith - if you ain't heard of it and had to invent it, why put it in? There was lots of opportunity for a realistic and genuine rhyme there. Pffft. It's obvious I have Quality Issues but I'll get off my high horse now. By the way - did you know the Icelandic grow their own bananas and mangos in glasshouses on the SW coast, heated by geothermal springs?
    Wha'd'I do?!
    She teasingly said with a smile: hi penelope and thanks, 'making waves' will hopefully help us all lifting ourselves to a higher level (if possible ;-)
    "What you're doing is utterly vile" I think Penelope meant to chide Marc rather than Bigsmith. However, "bananas" (correctly punctuated) is in my opinion a perfect rhyme for both "sagas" and "agas", unless you're American.
    "Please put it away"
    "Without further delay"
    "For its size, it just isn't worthwhile!"
    A Lim'rick without any chat
    Is better than chewing the fat
    But the temptation's there [pen] So that's just one greengrocer then... Apostrophes aren't easy to use flippantly!
    To leave the line bare [Tuj] I don't like to prostitute myself around several greengrocers, doncha know!!
    But everyone frowns upon that [pen] Come and see how the other half live our lives...
    Whilst waiting for water to boil,
    after a very long day of toil
    We just sit by the fire
    Planning soon to retire
    To a bath with some lavender oil.
    It is better not to discuss
    The state of Anne Widdecombe's truss
    or John Prescott's pants
    or Tony Blair's stance
    Or the route of the 43 bus.
    'Tis thrice thrice thrice thrice thirty days
    Since I last made her eyes go all glazed
    When I put the pear
    In the orifice where
    There's a gap in the midst of her stays
    When I go digging in the road
    If lucky, sometimes I find a toad (?)
    Who teaches me scansion
    and limerick tension
    But rhyme is too hard to be know'd.
    The story of the Piltdown Man
    Is hidden unknown in this flan
    Just one tiny bite
    Turned out to be right
    The fact he had no pension plan
    ”Some day I’ll return!”, said his wife
    Said he: "Yeah! Not on your life!"
    "You're only an ant"
    And your humour is scant
    and your farts I could cut with a knife.
    There once was a man from East Fife (wife, knife and life all barred)
    Where strange prohibitions are rife
    But some are allowed!
    Like Flogging a crowd??
    And banning three words in our strife???
    There once was a man in Key West
    Who wore a spectacular vest
    Sort of bloomy with flowers
    arbours and bowers How's the toothy-peg, Rosie?
    Which, unwashed, did not smell the best.
    There once was a hole in the ground (e.g. http://pineapple.homestead.com/Musa.html)
    From which came an unspeakable sound
    It sounded a bit
    Simulposted, rats. You have just been saved from It went "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm"
    Like "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm", and it
    Was uttered with menace profound. ... scary stuff
    Chalky - once had to witness the birth
    buggeration .... I'll start again
    Chalky - I once had to witness the birth
    Of triplets from a mum full of mirth!
    she pushed and she squirmed
    And grimaced and gurned
    and she now has a much smaller girth. As one does.
    Giving birth is a hard way to diet
    as not many mums are compliant
    Though they foreplay a lot…..
    Shelling a tot
    Then eat as to feed a huge Giant hm... I’ll make no remarks, I’ll keep quiet!
    There once was a man with a bike,
    Who managed the Penge Spud-U-Like
    He'd deliver hot tatties
    Turn clients into fatties
    'Til all of them looked quite alike
    I once went to play with an eel
    but mistook it for a bull seal
    I threw a big ball
    on the eel it did fall
    Then bounced to the seal – No big deal?
    There once was a girl who could drive
    The third green using wood number five
    But when she started putting
    Her partner was tutting
    It's a wonder that he's still alive!
    I've just spent a cool thousand quid
    On a barrel of rum-flavoured squid
    It tastes quite disgusting
    Last time I'll be trusting
    That cockney-ish twat next door, Sid!
    There's a man down our way who sells beer
    Just walked of the end of a Pier
    You have one – then pee three
    Go swim before tea [ZK - last line above ....fab!]
    And know that your drowning is near.
    ”Keep swimmin’”, she said to her child
    . "I'll teach you to git yer Mum riled!"
    But the kid replied "Pish!"
    "I'll do what I wish"
    “Like you, at my age, running wild!”
    “What’s that standing up?” said the Blonde,
    As she dangled her toes in the pond
    "It looks very silly"
    As she kicked at a lily
    ”The bloomers I gave you, James Bond!” You never know the imaginative logics by Blondes…
    A virgin once stood on a hill http://www.crystalinks.com/glastonburytor.html
    And pranced naked by moonlight until
    The dew-dampened grass
    Saw this come to pass:
    She lost what she had, with great thrill ....and now it's all gone!
    A virgin once said to her mother:
    I wish that I had a big brother
    Because he could beat
    A Bach fugue with his feet
    Whilst I try to whistle another
    I've been at the coconut oil Almost made a very embarrassing typo!
    It sootheth my skin and my boil
    But my palms and my soles
    Are as red as hot coals
    Since from the oil they didst recoil
    Chalky - Have courage! Be brave and stay strong
    You won't be stuck here for too long
    There's a train on the way
    Will arrive end of May
    Singing the Thomas the Tank Engine song!
    Screwing the last screw on the plaque
    Fasten it better than using tack
    The brass bits will shine
    If rubbed with red wine
    , fresh garlic and damp bladderwrack. *phew*
    Take notice of what teachers teach
    However, when old preachers preach
    You can blithely ignore
    Leaning back (please don’t snore!)
    On your own private pew made of beech.
    I've been stuck in here for a week
    With a Spangle stuck to my cheek.... to those too yound to remember Spangles were boiled sweets.
    It's beginning to burn - I remember them being chewy...
    Both afront and astern
    And my hormones are starting to leak. Spangles? Boiled fruit sweet, surely?
    Opal Fruits, Sharp's Toffees and Spangles
    Flared trousers, the Beatles, and bangles
    Are things I keep hid
    When I was a kid (oblig)
    We never had such – we'd chew rubbles
    She said underneath she was nude
    I said, "Don't tell me, I'm a prude!"
    But she had the pictures
    Which had her in strictures
    To see these, lots of men, they had queued.
    It's sweet and it's made out of string
    But I'm sorry - it's just not my thing
    Instead, I use plastic
    It's rather fantastic!
    Please wait, a new hanger I’ll bring.
    She once was so sweet I’ve been told
    Which made her quite sticky to hold
    The more that I licked,
    The more that she kicked
    And she bucked and she squirmed and she rolled. Mine's the mac, please.
    The day I dug up an old jar
    I found I was richer by far
    When I rubbed it, a genie
    Appeared with a weenie for our U.S. readers
    All covered in feathers and tar
    “Oh gosh what is this?” said my wife,
    My draw-ers with kittens are rife!
    “So I’m off to the store,”
    To get rid of some more!
    I said: "It'd be quicker by knife!" door...
    The pride of all London's at stake
    All based on a common mistake:
    "The Olympics make money"
    And "Ben Elton's funny"
    And the system of transport will break.
    She thought for a while and then said:
    "The voices are back in my head."
    She then clobbered Marc [who seems to be fixated by 'she']
    (It's the ol' monthly lark!) ducks to avoid the Chalkwhip.
    And dragged him back home to her bed. ..where she mended his now swollen head!
    There once was a nun from Tibet
    Who took an old yak to the vet
    The prognosis was grim
    They castrated him
    Though the yak hasn't been seen to yet.
    There once was a miss from Montana
    Who wore a most striking bandana
    Its colour suggested
    Her hair was infested
    in a most disagreeable manner.
    There once was a man with a big
    - I'm sorry! I meant to say brig -
    that's a goal, to the wise Jail, Goal, Brig, Prison.
    First he lives – then he dies(?) ...my summerhouse is called The Brig cause once there lived an old inmate...
    My Brig has a two-masted rig. ...how did we navigate to arrive here…?
    He sailed ‘round the world with no stop,
    in a boat, he bought from a shop?????
    However, a leak [widey] Bold text please
    And a worrying squeak
    Meant the trip, on the whole, was a flop.
    Keep it simple, it seems to work well
    Said a greybeard who lived in a dell
    Just like me and my goat
    We’re not rocking the boat
    But we're making a terrible smell
    The words of this terrible song
    Are meaningless, dire, just wrong
    If only Jonathon King
    The words of this terrible song
    Are meaningless, dire, and just wrong
    If Jonathon King
    carry on...
    Had played less with the thing I'm safe saying this with so many police about, eh?
    He’d written for leather and thong.
    The words of this terrible song
    Are meaningless, dire, and wrong
    And if Jonathan King
    Had played less with his thing
    He’d finished it not before long
    There once was a Lim’rick Police
    Who gave orders to sist and decease
    But he came unstuck
    His apostrophe
    damn - simulpost. After you Darren...
    …when hit by a ----(wrooom)--Truck---->
    [KH - you were also hit I guess ?]
    And the correction brings no real relief.
    A frenchman, by name Apostrophe
    Had daughters called Fifi and Sophie - assuming he was meant to be "Apostrophe"
    Really charming damsels
    Loved to kiss their dick-cissels
    A sparrow-like bird (Spiza Americana) native to southern Ontario
    And a chap by the name of Annan, Kofi
    A line of the times
    That last one didn't quite work :-) - never mind, tomorrow's another day ...

    If questioned, I don't give a damn

    What the menu says; just give me spam!
    and eggs with fries
    and what six fifty buys
    Including one pint and a giant Dram. (... Cheers all!)
    It seemed as he’d slept in his suite,
    He sure wasn't tidy or neat [Marc - did you mean 'suit' I wonder?]
    ...sure KH, it was that huge Dram causing my keyboard to slip... sorry ;-)
    ...then maybe you would like to rhyme otherwise?
    It seemed as he’d slept in his suit
    He sure wasn't tidy nor cute
    But somehow he charmed
    All those that he harmed
    With a whack from his oversized feet / With a jig on his badly tuned flute
    P.S. antiknees is ashamed of his unemboldened text. he blames ignorance.
    Antiknees is forgiven...
    ...this time
    "Look here" he said, with a grin
    as he flashed at the girl in the gym
    His camera was bright [antiknees] For help with your bold quest, look here: http://mustela.phyast.pitt.edu/basichtml.html
    It's love at first sight
    Please watch how I’ve trained my fifth Limb! …he took the next flight to Berlin…?
    One night as she played her Violin
    Something went "twang" deep within
    "It's my G-string!" she thought loadsa rhymes 'ere... take your pick!
    "The one I just bought"
    "From that flea market back in Berlin."
    She was bored, so moved up to a harp
    Cause her chin had been formed kind of sharp(...by squeezing the fiddle)
    The harp cut it flat
    forming a gap!
    The blood sounded 'Splat'; And she gasped her new gap like a carp.
    There once was a party in Lerwick
    With whiskey, beer and grilled Slippery Dick
    DAMMIT. Why can't people come up with things that even *approximately* rhyme and scan? I seem to remember that "Lerwick" rhymes with words like "Eric" and "hysteric", not to mention place names like "Berwick". "Slippery Dick" is never going to be a rhyme, not even if you put the stress completely wrongly on the "er" of "slippery".

    Sorry about the rant, but I just also read the truly terrible ending by one or two Wideys to the previous one, in which again all scansion, rhyme and sense were completely lost... You can get away with perhaps mildly stretching *one* of rhyme, scansion, sense and stresses on the correct syllable of the word, but not more than that - for instance, you can't ask for the stress on the completely wrong syllable of "slippery" to make a rhyme *and* interpolate an extra syllable into the rhyme (an "-erick" sound with an "-eridick") at the same time, especially not while already having to stress the completely wrong word earlier in the line (in this case the "and"). It just doesn't make sense. Not only is Willie Rushton swirling in his urn, the rest of the ISIHAC team would be doing the same or turning in their graves if they were in fact dead.

    Rant ends.

    Fiddler - There once was a party in Lerwick and let's try again properly this time...
    Where I started to go quite hysteric adding a second line that actually works...
    I threw a full glass
    erm, I hate to break in here, especially since I completely agree with JLE, but Lerwick is pronounced Ler-wik, not Lerrik. Sorry and all that.
    It hit some bird's arse (Watty) Yep, it's Lur-wick. But JLE is dead right. Some of this stuff is truly awful, considering that this site is not a chatroom for spotty herberts. You can't be witty all the time, but at least you can play in tune, so to speak. Nnnnngh!
    I had to hide from her quick
    Obviously there are as many opinions of what are correct (wittiest or most exact or what?) Limerick rhyme and meter as there are contributors to this marvellous site. Let’s all face this and let us continue to do our very best in our mutual efforts to have fun and to, eventually, create the most perfect Limerick that has ever been seen!
    There once was a party in Lerwick
    Where things started go quite hysteric
    I threw a full glass
    It hit some bird's arse
    All night then her bottom I’d to lick
    Sorry to interrupt your harsh mood but anyway…
    ...my humble effort to give the 'Lerwick'-one a happy ending is way out of tune!
    Let him without wit cast first line, http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/845.html
    The lack of wit can be a sign Let's not descend into more scansion wars. The way I see it is, if you're getting annoyed by one game, then just play another instead. That's what I do these days.
    of mind now far gone
    With a nice butter'd scone ;-) - I'm on the fence about this one. Scansion wars definitely suck, but although there are a lot of opinions about what makes a good limerick, that doesn't mean there is no convergence, and that all conventions can safely be ignored. IMO, a good limerick is a successful interplay between form, coherence and humour - it's not necessary for all to be perfect and sometimes the one or the other takes precedence, but if all three are weak, why bother? And while it's true players can just look the other way for a while if the quality descends below their personal threshold, sometimes that means witty people don't bother to post any more and the enjoyment of the whole community can degrade a bit.
    Definitely with Porojoy on this one, as I've often found myself substituting a less witty line for one that remotely scans, or even (horrors!) moving on without posting, which some seem loathe to do. Oh, and Rosie's point on "Spotty Herberts" is superb!
    But the nurses all say I'll be fine
    The courage to lurk and not post
    Is managed quite swift by the most ...the cowards who lurk....?
    Disgusting of beasts
    (namely Jesuit priests) [Rosie] 'chatroom for spotty herberts' Love it :-)
    who fear naught but the Holy Ghost. (Chalky, Tuj) You're very kind. I had thought the term might date me, but it seems to live on. :-)
    There once was a world with no oil
    No more could farmers till their soil Hi all! You've been very busy this weekend!
    With tractors but horses
    Applied all their forces
    To replace it with all day long toil.
    Tomorrow's the Transit of Venus
    To miss it would really be heinous
    From where I am standing
    I can see the branding
    A good tan I'll get as a bonus
    There once was a girl with no luck
    Although she was not short of pluck almost oblig
    So she'd stand on the street Where will this lead...?
    and the men she did meet
    Would find themselves short of a buck.
    I'm pressing the button marked "Panic"
    Because the last verse was Satanic
    They've issued a fatwa
    I'll be boiled in a vat. Waah! Not easy, that, Raak.
    [Rosie] Poetic necessity, I'm afraid.
    Oh, Heavens! It's made me quite manic.
    I once knew a lady from China. Help yerselves.
    In swearing she trained her Hill Myna
    This most vocal bird
    Could quote Richard the Third
    I've not seen a rendition finer.
    Having partaken of a wee tipple. Yep, it's the same ploy as before.
    an event that makes barely a ripple So you tell me. :-)
    I like to find girls
    With cute little curls Really!
    Then try to get hold of a free nipple. …shame on you Darren!
    There once was a girl, oh so daring!
    With dresses much flesh she was baring
    Her gossamer thong
    To put on, took too long
    so certain parts got a good airing.
    At school I was most fond of Rugger Yep, still employing the same shameless tactic I'm afraid.
    I earnt the nickname of "Tugger" [Thrax] Oh yes indeed!
    When deep in the scrum
    I'd never be glum
    With my nose in the arse of ‘Fart Slugger”.
    There once was a snobbish old fart
    Who married a stuck-up young tart
    But at the reception
    her clever deception
    convinced them she was all heart.
    Some clams, that were quite indiscreet,
    Would swap naughty jokes about feet
    The toes they'd call smelly
    belonged to Grace Kelly
    ,And Ginger, in "Follow the Fleet".
    I felt that I started to wilt
    The moment I looked up his kilt Sorry, sorry, sorry. It had to be done.
    Beneath, was a mob
    And the gay pooftah Bob,
    Who'd immersed it, right up to the hilt Coat!
    That was worse than I ever feared it would be. Shame on you all.
    It came to me, all in a flash
    A new way to make mountains of cash
    Now my pimp I will call, (simulposted:That Scots, underneath, has a ‘lash’)
    He can shove it all
    where the Customs men look for his stash. Ouch.
    Oh, bugger. Forgot:

    A trick you can do for your friends
    Involves unbelievable bends
    And if properly mastered, I'm gonna force one o' you into an expletive if if it's the last thing I do!
    by someone not plastered, Zounds! He would provoke profanity, the boundah.
    You never will know how it ends.
    There once was a maiden in Ealing
    So tall she could head-butt the ceiling.
    And thus she would duck, Indeed, Rosie.
    And make her back ruck
    Till her spine had lost all sense of feeling. Non-obscene limerick achieved!
    Each morning, at half past the hour,
    I make pancakes from eggs, milk and flour
    I give them a toss
    thus causing their loss
    And till noontime the floors shall i scour.
    Well would you believe it, those French
    Woke up while we slept on the bench
    In just a minute
    They managed to win it
    But our thirst for revenge we will quench
    Hopefully this tournament, not something pathetic like Olympic shooting or somesuch!
    Alas two-one down but not out
    Of Portugal yet; there's no doubt
    As a Swede I am proud! 5-0 against Bulgaria!
    But lets hope the crowd
    Will behave lest we get flung out!
    This "football" of which you all speak
    Is to my ears, sad to, say, all Greek.
    I know it involves fighting
    Kicking butts and some biting
    And is likely to go on all week.
    A week of Des Lyneham's too much!
    but better than soaps out of touch!
    But still, we'll ban sport.
    Instead we will cavort !
    hello?
    hi pat
    And skip (in your bed?) Double Dutch
    Last night as she went to her bed,
    Jade Goody thought hard and then said:
    "Now, I ain't usually frugal"
    "But I sleep with Dougal"
    "Whilst Hamish is locked in the shed"
    "Insert Strap B into Slot C"
    I did, with smiles and with glee
    But Tab A fell apart
    Now I must restart
    From D and I’ll follow plan B.
    She’ll sail in a while with the tide, all aboard?
    Shipshape, and her crew: Watch their pride!
    Its so painful to think
    Of the fearful stink
    As the crew throw up o'er the side
    I must have a triple espresso!
    Mocha, latte, frapachino
    My caffine is low
    (Macchiato to go)
    And I’ll have a huge Curacao! http://www.curacaoliqueur.com/pages/recipes.htm
    He said, “Well it’s Irish for me”,
    As we seem to be hooked on coffee
    and strong beer and fags
    Are used by old hags
    It helps the complexion, you see.
    There once was an Angel in Hell, Heavens Devils?
    Who calomine lotion did sell
    For skin that is burning
    , cryogenically yearning
    For some sort of Freeze Spray as well.
    It seems that all cars sport a flag
    Or remains of an old washing rag
    They've all got a red cross
    But who gives a toss?
    The ghost of General Braxton Bragg? Defeated by Grant in the battle of Chattanooga (1817-1876)
    There once was a Cho in Chattanooga,
    whose favourite confection was nougat. Steam engines can burn anything. :-)
    It got all hot and sticky
    And looked a little tricky
    But it still ran as fast as a cougar.
    It always rains for Wimbledon
    So ladies keep your wimple on.
    It's raining on Centre Court 1
    Our great sporting summer's begun!
    Still, the Roo did us proud
    But screamed very loud
    When he that Martina had won
    When he HEARD that Martina had won?
    There was a young fellow called Rooney
    Whose ears were stuck on by a loony
    His skull was quite hollow
    So when he went to swallow
    The head rush made him go quite swoony
    Oh, finish my marmalade, please!
    I now have a preference for peas
    I eat them with honey
    Which makes them taste funny Oblig. Sorry Mr Belloc
    But don't shoot out my mouth if I sneeze Not oblig. Sorry everyone!
    I shall die all alone in my bed
    With a postage stamp stuck to my head
    Waiting for the Holy Ghost :o)
    Who I like the most
    But I'll settle for St Peter instead. Backs away waving incense and making sign of the cross, etc, etc...
    I’ve run out of my e-mailing stamps,
    And who stole my cut-and-paste clamps?
    And where's my click wand?
    (of which I am fond)
    . My Recycle Bin - raided by tramps!
    Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear
    My undies have washed o'er the weir
    And now they've got tangled
    in a device so new-fangled
    that provides endless glasses of beer.
    Tim has got through to the quarters
    Will there be an opponent he slaughters? ...ever? Nope, do it the hard way please!
    Perhaps it's Sir Cliff
    (He with the quiff)
    And a penchant for railway porters
    I have a confession to make
    The prospect of which makes me quake What can this be?
    I'm really your mother
    'Tho I look like your brother
    and these 38D's are quite fake.
    [C, R, R, S, K] Disturbing. Oh well. Moving quickly on...
    Why can't we have kippers for tea?
    Freshly plucked direct from the sea?
    Paint them brown (BFK) (BFK = Brown For Kippers, a standard colouring ingredient.)
    Serve with bread on a tray
    Don't hog them - leave plenty for me!
    A rumour is going around
    That Dubya said something profound
    It's just propaganda
    But it does make you wonder
    If his feet are almost on the ground... Nah...
    There once was one Linesman too much,
    Who cried when the ball was in touch
    The hue that ensued,
    Led to language quite rude
    Thankfully, spoken in Dutch
    Despite having four hours to spare
    Before their flight took to the air
    They still turned up late
    , Got stopped at the gate,
    Though no-one really seems to care Mercy!
    Once upon a time in the west,
    A cowpoke was washing his vest
    He used best manure
    Which he'd always procure
    From The Man With Bullshit On His Chest [a.k.a. Clint Eastwood]
    You really must make up your mind
    Before I grab at your behind
    Or other protrusions
    I might leave contusions
    You see, I'm not that refined.
    A chicken, when lacking a head [C,D,S,R,R] Bravo: one of the best for a while!
    Is likely to hop 'til it's dead eeuww but true! [Tuj] thanks :-) they was good wasn't they?
    which proves that its brain
    while beginning to drain
    Is thinking of skipping instead
    I'm trying to learn all my lines
    Err...prompt!
    And in danger of incurring fines
    The thespians art
    Of stifling a fart Sorrysorrysorry
    From the hole out of which the sun shines
    "Please fondle my buttocks," he said
    "Then slap them with fresh soda bread"
    But instead, I grabbed hard
    and rubbed them with lard!
    And watched as he slid out the bed!
    A suitcase contains many things So that's what you all get up to, is it?
    Like toilet rolls, butter and springs
    But you'd best leave it locked
    and not at half cocked!
    Just see what the chambermaid brings.
    There was a young lass from Jakarta
    Took a pint of good gin just to start her Apologies, oblig!
    To finish her off
    A cocktail Molotov
    Was exchanged in a strange kind of barter
    We’ve got the weather we deserve, ...we have?
    And all because God had the nerve at the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious [altho' nothing surprises me in this game] UNFINISHED SENTENCE ALERT ...'
    To take a day off
    'Cause He had a bad cough
    and leave us with Thor (first reserve).
    The first thing you see in Valhalla
    Are Vikings dressed up for a Gala
    The men in nice frocks
    With cross-gartered socks
    Think nothing of mimicking Mahler ...taking the second of the 2 rhyming options
    There was a great cat called Sylvester
    'pon whose skin monstrous boils did fester
    This great suppuration
    -- viscous, pustuled libation --
    Was caused by a visit to Chester.
    A big killer whale named George
    Whose fav'rite game was Cheddar Gorge
    While eating some krill
    said "this makes me ill"
    'And causes my bowel to engorge' ...assuming whales *have* bowels. Even if they don't, at least I ended the damn thing *pats self on back*
    To start with I need to point out
    My left foot is swollen with gout
    To astonishing size
    It might win a prize
    - A year's worth of claret and stout. ouch!
    A sinister beast is the spider (pen) Ouch indeed. :-)
    She's got miles of thick rope coiled inside her
    So best to ensnare
    little beasts in her lair
    Replacing a health care provider
    My horny Aunt Heather once said:
    I'd rather be single than wed
    But don't push your luck
    Or a railway truck
    Or soon you will wish you were dead
    oops -
    There was a young man from Okehampton (...back to a more traditional opening)
    Who made the front page when he camped on unfinished sentence alert
    the M25 Everyone should be alert. The country needs lerts.
    by Chalfont St Giles. Mmmm, tough leave Rosie!
    with (wait for it) Lucinda Lambton. (Snodders) Can't see the problem. Anything ending in -ive would do.
    There once was a man writing verse , . [Rosie] but it had to scan with your short line 3!
    All rhymes that he knew were perverse
    To the innocent ear
    They sounded quite queer
    But seemed quite straight-laced in reverse
    The mysteries of quantum mechanics (Snodders) Well, it's got 5 sillybubbles, which is about par. Don't want to start a fight, BTW. Yes, I do. :-)
    Drove Einstein himself into panics
    Cause he knew… but we don’t
    That some particles won't
    Listen to tunes by the "Manics"
    Said Ringo, "I know what to do!"
    In addition to counting 'One, Two!'
    'These drums I will thrash'
    And pocket the cash [Rosie] OK ok, it looked hard anyway!
    And read Thomas the Tank Engine too.
    Late last night, I lay in my bed
    As a nightmare flew over my head
    Who will it frighten? Well, grab me by the incubus
    I felt myself tighten
    'Calm Down Dear' the white haired man said .Everyone a Winner
    I hear Nancy is throwing out Sven
    They're all just the same. Bloody men!
    Their cock's rule their heads!
    Just screw – without threads,
    They just don't understand us at all, these wo-men.
    For breakfast I had two boiled eggs
    To steady my long, wobbly legs
    Unfortunate-ly [Software - you takin' the p*ss?]
    Twenty cups of green tea
    have reduced my digestion to dregs. (Chalky) W.S.Gilbert lives!
    Whilst list'ning to the Mika-do
    My cake mix flopped - needs thicker dough. (Bigsmith) I'll get you for this, you bastard. :-)
    So I added some flour
    And in just half an hour
    My gateau was ready to go.
    While practising scales on the 'cello (Snods/Raak) Blimey, that was quick. Have you got your own domestic blast furnace, or something?
    In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
    Strange sounds from above
    One string snapped with a "twang" Great 'cello-playing cartoon on page 13 of this week's Private Eye
    Shit - simulposted. Thought that couldn't happen on here. Ignore me.
    Of erroneous love
    'Twas the music of love (Bigsmith) It always happens when you think you've got a brilliant line, doesn't it?
    (Sorry Celare - didn't see you in there - let's have a full recap:)

    While practising scales on the 'cello
    In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
    Strange sounds from above
    Of erroneous love
    Have left me decidedly mellow
    My 'cello string snapped with a "Twang!"[Per Bigsmith: it seemed too good a line to waste]
    And my music stand collapsed with a "Bang!"
    I let out an oath (Bigsmith) Saw the cartoon. :-)
    About string and stand both
    and kicked out at the bucket with a clang
    Pray sing out with voice loud and clear!
    And fill lowly peasants with fear.
    As the hunt comes a-trampling
    On poor Charlotte Rampling
    And gives her a flea in her ear!
    The holiday season is here
    The time for sand, sea and beer
    And drizzle, and fog
    Campsites like Bog,
    -nor Regis when rain clouds hang drear.
    finally drawing a line under the -ear /-eer rhymes
    Chalky - Resplendent in tangerine satin
    I tango'd my way round Prestatyn oh what a picture that paints...
    My partner, Miguel
    , the Argie from Hell
    , Just couldn't quite dance like a Latin...
    Last Tango in Southend-on-Sea
    a film I just don't want to see
    It's nothing but dross
    With Matt and Luke Goss (remember them? I bet you wish you didn't)
    A mark out of five? Minus three.
    And talking of towns on the coast
    They say (though they don't like to boast)
    That Yarmouth's the place
    For black satin lace
    And mushrooms and baked beans on toast.
    When paying a visit to Durham hoho
    I realised there's no rhyme for Durham Let alone two.
    And so I left Durham
    (A nice town that, Durham)
    And ended up in Dover, which is vile.
    Enough of this nonsense. Back to proper limerickese.
    I once met a man with three legs
    Who pushed out a basket of eggs
    I said, "Hello, tripod", I can only think of one rhyme
    "are you man or god?" was that the one?
    And ended up in Dover, which was nowhere near as nice as Durham
    An angel approached me and said:
    "Permit me to point out you're dead"
    "Your mortal life ended"
    "Your ways you have mended" I still think the other place is more interesting.
    So well send you to Durham instead
    Ahem - "So we'll send you to Durham instead." Ay thang yew.
    In Darlington, Durham and Dover
    The law has a precedence over
    The wearing of heels
    But Judge often repeals
    If promised a lay in the clover
    One night on the beach down in Bognor
    Recalling my visit to Durham
    I thought of Prestatyn
    and Winterbourne Abbas Anarchy in the UK
    And all of the time spent in Ais Gill
    There was a young man from Prestatyn
    Who wore on his head a gold paten
    When asked to describe
    The drinks he'd imbibe
    He slurred he will never leave Durham
    Tonight I will take her, I swear, (To Durham, where else??)
    To Durham, with wind in her hair
    We'll get the eight-thirty
    Get deep down and dirty
    If anyone sees, I don't care ;-)
    I've got to leave old Durham town
    Opp north is getting me down
    I'll head West-South-West
    Wearing naught but a vest
    And arm bands in case that I drown
    While heading t'wards Stratford-on-Avon
    , that well-known cultural haven
    I stopped off in Warwick
    To meet poor old Yorick (oblig., and thank you)
    And paused for a pint in "The Raven".
    There once was a writer called Poe
    Who found it so hard to say "No"
    His stutter got worse
    Then he'd start to curse
    He still wrote classic prose, though.
    Oops, add a 'some' in after wrote...
    He still wrote some classic prose, though.
    Will Smith saves the world (yet again)
    His heroics will drive us insane
    Does no-one but me unfinished rhetorical question alert!
    Eschew going to see
    Bloody "Men in Black III"? What a pain!
    I once stopped in Bangkok for the night
    But left back to Durham with next flight (A short stay....)
    Landed at Luton as you would
    Put a new suit on [Fiddler] Is that the one-syllable pronunciation of Durham?
    Like me it was a little too tight. (having to squeeze the extra syllable in to make it scan)
    I've been staying oop north for two weeks
    To study some birds with two beaks
    Whilst quite advantageous
    I find it outrageous
    The language the two-beaked birds speaks ...a foul language not worthy to be published, not even here!
    A chick may say no, meaning yes
    But heed caution, nevertheless
    For the cock, in his ardour
    Tries all the harder
    And it ends in a helluva mess
    In Bolton, there lives a strange man
    Who claims Jesus was born in Japan
    And Mohammed was Greek
    Tony Blaire smart and chic
    And Bernard Levin a very nice man. Sadly missed
    "Man" rhymed with "man"? Very odd.
    Beware of the lim’rick cop squad [Darren: they may also count syllables so run while you can!]
    If fault's found with your scansion
    Their cellblock needs expansion (to get room for all sinners, including yours truly)
    The trouble is some MC's patrol the scansion and the rhyme so closeley that you would think that when it comes to Limericks that they were God. 'nuf said.
    See me! Watch me scan, pun and rhyme! *smug*
    Though constrain'd to rhythm and time!
    Like a well-crafted clock
    Where tick follows tock
    So make mine a Vodka and Lime . The sun is over the yard arm I assume! [Software] Give my regards to Belloc
    There was a young fellow from Streatham "strettum"
    Who cut off his testicles and ate 'em
    a man with no balls
    Makes squeaky phone calls
    [merely a comment - I cannot do line 5] (plump) That's uncanny! I put up the same first line about 2 yrs ago in MCPants and the 2nd line was "who cut off his bollocks and ate 'em". Was that you? An even more shameless recycling than mine, and, ahem, it scans a bit better. :-)
    But offers a pouch for a gem? [Play on kids, throwing sand in the eyes makes no one happy!]
    His sex drive had started to wane
    When he'd finished the case of champagne
    So he had 3 Viagra
    Leapt over Niagara
    And had sex again and again.
    The Queen dropped the Orb & the Sceptre
    And deserted the people who'd kept her
    she romped off with a lad
    Twice as old as her dad
    'cos at sex older men are adepter. Oh yes we are.
    While recycling a piece of old glass [Rosie] I think it must have been so good a line my brain filed it away.Cannot be sure who posted it last time.
    A heard a voice say, "what a farce!"
    If it's brown, green or clear
    It should not be put here!
    Your glass belongs to the whiskey-class.
    Today I'll buy me a used submarine, http://www.b-americanboats.com/whiskeysub.html
    Including a deep-diving sex-machine
    So diving for muff
    Will not be so tough
    as trying to persuade people that scansion is an essential ingredient of a Limerick - know what I mean?
    So fuck off good scansion – you know what I mean?>[Rosie: Why destroying an almost finished limerick just to try teaching us common amateur poets something that you don’t respect yourself? Very bad manner in my humble opinion]
    He once found a Rose on the heath
    A mutant that sported sharp teeth
    So for gnawing the bark [Rosie & Marc] Calm down dears, its only a bit of fun
    Of itself, in the dark
    He nibbled her buds underneath.
    One day as he mounted his horse
    The muse suddenly struck - "But of course!"
    "To straddle a saddle"
    "I must use a paddle"
    "Some soap, a small fish and The Force™"
    While trying to get through to my bank
    To cash my check for a million Swiss Franc(tough to match your excellent scansion Rosie;-)
    I got music on hold all too true, unfortunately :-(
    And grew very old
    Before I realised that you can't cash cheques over the phone

    sorry - couldnt resist....


    "Please press "star" key now twice and then hold"
    By an anomyous voice I was told
    This nameless deciever
                                                            sorry, meant to preview not submit. :(
    I’m an asshole and need a good spank!
    I haven't been here for a while
    She said donning a satisfied smile
    It all looks quite strange
    It seems quite a change
    But a Miss is as good as a mila
    She read Kama Sutra, then said:
    "Can you wrap both your legs round your head?"
    I said, "Yes, and what's more, (dangling quote warning)
    "I can spin on the floor"
    She said, "that'll do, let's get wed".
    The wedding went off with no hitch
    'Cos both sides were equally rich. Ooh, cynical!
    But soon it turned sour ,Cant you just see line 5 coming
    For they differed in power
    And she returned to her mother, the bitch! Satisfying Snod's prediction
    I would just like to point out that the line above, to whit: "I'm an asshole and need a good spank" was not written by me and I would kindly ask whoever it was to not do that again.
    Whilst walking the streets late at night
    In my stilettos and miniskirt, tight Why not?
    A copper approached me (Softers) I wouldn't try that in Croydon.
    And offered a small fee
    And showed me his helmet so bright . [st dog] Well whoever it wasclearly wanted to make a statement and it looks like it was true
    There once was a cute little pup
    So small he could fit in a cup
    A pygmy chihuahua - [snodgrass] It would appear now that you are actually coming out with it and saying you think I am an asshole ? This is not really in keeping with the etiquette of this forum, and if you really took exception to my limerick line that seemed to have sparked the comment I would say you have a singular lack of humour. Also I would say "fuck you" but I won't, because that would not be in keeping with the etiquette of this forum. Watch your mouth.
    Barking like a (mad) cacadua [st dog] Maybe you are not a real asshole but you certainly acted like one entering that lunatic 'phone'-line. Go wash your mouth!
    How I wished he would shut the ^&*% up
    To steal someone's "handle" is base
    The forum police must give chase [St Dog] You misread my comment. It was the handle-napper who I was referring to as being deserving of the attribution of the term 'asshole'. They had made the comment disguising themselves with your handle but inferring the monika to themselves. I'm sorry if you took offence but you really didnt need to.
    For we're a happy, brave few
    There is me, him and you
    Plus the assholes - but they're a disgrace.
    *Phew* - what a relief that the misunderstanding has been unmisunderstooded.
    "Disgusted" of Tunbridge Wells, Kent (Chalky) Unmisunderstanded, surely?
    Where "A Room With a View” is for rent or have I unmisunderstanded your intentions?
    These insinuations
    Will hamper relations No Bushisms here please. Maybe the germ of a seed of an inkling of an idea for another game?
    (Well, I hope so, for that's my intent)
    snodgrass] well in that case I am very glad I didn't say "fuck you". Sorry for the confusion but it wasn't clear and seemed mightily unprovoked......ho humYou're an asshole and so is your horse
    ooops!
    You're an asshole and your horse is one too
    This we’ve heard from the mouth of the whores assuming 'You're an asshole and so is your horse' is the line to be rhymed in best possible scansion mode....? Or if you like, replace it with: As was writ on the door to the loo....
    Tho' Arse-hole we say o'er here
    This one has lost its thread a little I fear. Yes the second one didn't really scan too well. Crivvens. What to do ? Lets start it again with a completely new line
    My horsey's upset and offended
    The mare, which it had intended
    Now she'll have no truck
    With the amorous buck
    So sadly this Limerick ended. Alternatively for us whoresmen: Her ass though still looks very splendid.
    You shouldn’t jump over the fence,
    He said to a child who was dense
    For you know not what
    A deep pit I have got (the child had just jumped into his garden you see, and had landed in a large pit that the man had dug. It loses something in the explanation I think.)
    Now I'm afraid that your corpse I must flense Because once in the pit this maniac has dug in his garden, stunned from the unexpected drop and helpless to ward of the mad neighbour's intentions, the child gets subjected to a "Silence of the Lambs" moment, dies a horrible death and becomes an Item of secret fetish-wear. You're right, it does lose something, doesn't it?
    Kidnapped, drugged then dropped in my pit
    It upset my schedule, a bit
    Still, I did escape
    To commit one more rape
    'Cause I'm an insensitive git.
    [Fiddler] not nice, and not even funny ...
    Now let's all just cool off for a while [Chalky] No worse than child-skinning, surely? Hang on, I did that one. Much worse, I agree.
    And rest while we wash off the bile
    And the phlegm and the snot
    I'd much rather not
    For I'm base and I'm bad and I'm vile.
    When learning the rules of a game
    Let bad html take the blame
    Ooh, she's so bold!
    The learners she'll scold
    Be kind to us please, it's a shame
    Let fantasy flow we proclaim! [Chalky]...please remember our lines are not necessarily fiction, they may very well be, but you'll never know .... ;-)
    Once Ella sang jazz with the Duke, (whoops, sorry folks, please see my unintentional 6:th line above as an alternative ending…)
    She duetted with George on the uke
    Her "Do-Be-Do-Doos"
    They could never refuse
    Now they're trapped in the ole’ box of Juke.
    Today it is Monday - at last
    By gum, you got that line in fast while I was "previewing" as it 'appens.
    Hurry up! Time is flying!
    My brain cells are dying!
    And that's how every Monday is passed. (but that it were true)
    'Tis Tuesday! A whole bright new day!
    With Friday just three days away
    And the full-moon is bright
    and up there all night
    Its just clouds that get in the way
    Now Tuesday is almost all spent
    Well it is if you live near to Kent - which I don't, you GMTist swine.
    So let's give a cheer
    And get out of here
    I've given up Wednesdays for Lent NEXT!
    Today is named after Wodin except on the Continent where it's named after element no. 80.
    That's something that softies write code in Not in The Netherlands - Woensdag is
    And Wodin, you see
    Is hanged to his knee
    So for some poor sod trouble is Bodin'
    Well tried on that last limerick
    Let’s hope that it gives us a kick (Rosie probably wants to kick my butt so I’ll try to stay away for a while…)
    For Thursday is here
    Time for a beer!
    But not so much that we are sick.
    Not for the first time I'm here
    On the plus side: look, Friday is near!
    with a full weekend ahead
    And black silk-sheets in my bed
    Soon we'll put ourselves in first gear!
    One Friday (quite soon) I think that I will
    On leaving work, put my hand in the till
    To finance my fun
    While I go on the run
    I'll never get caught if I bung the Old Bill!
    Two days free, so what shall I do?
    Visit Blackpool, or far Timbuktu?
    Alas, I am skint
    Please give me a hint
    How rude! And the same to you too!
    Foucault's Nietzschean Historiography
    Is a bloddy good read when you're lonely
    But for those who have friends
    Well, we know how it ends
    - in a maze of verbose sub-pornography
    But Durkheim, of course, is much clearer
    In claiming that orgasm's comes nearer (sorry, my French isn't that good, maybe he meant organs?)
    Using specialist aids
    And a system of grades
    that suited that buttonned-up era.
    My Grandfathers clock has got tics
    Which explains his success rate with chlicks (cloat.ha ha)
    It also has fleas
    And arthritic knees
    But its name is Captain Hicks.
    The trouble with women in cars ,Not going anywhere you understand
    Is really they’re driving like stars Alternative ending of last one: The reason it strike and not kicks!
    In Venus-like fashion
    A shame they keep crashin' tortuous final syllable pronunciation required
    Into men driving back from their bars
    She was finding it hard to deny it
    'Cos she knew that her drivin' was shy-it
    So she let actions speak
    And drove up the creek
    and flooded the engine and had to walk-it!
    There once was a lim’rick molester,
    Named Widey, whose arse ought to fester,
    His lines would not scan,
    He rhymed like my gran,
    Whose dyslexic verse made all detest her
    If ever you have to submit
    Make sure that you’ve poof-read your wit
    For there's little that's worse
    Than to feel a bit hearse
    And everyone else calls you sh... bad.
    Obvious I know, but I swallowed my pride
    “Dear Sir, I have never been kissed,”
    Said the young matchstick-seller to Lizst
    "Not a lot, my young sir"
    Though my looks cause a stir
    But my moustache makes most men resist
    I know this sounds weird but it’s true
    I keep a bright turquoise cuckoo
    The first day of each spring
    It endeavours to sing
    The entire score from "Cat Ballou"
    Andrew Lloyd Webber's a brilliant man
    And he keeps as a pet, a scarlet toucan
    Called "Beaklight Express"
    It will always impress
    Far more than his musical scores ever can.
    Don't look at me! The scansion was f*cked anyway ...
    :-)
    :-)
    :-)
    Chalky - Today I shall swear with rude words
    Such as "frumjittle yaxlifrous knurds!"
    And this precedent
    Will surely cement
    my status 'mongst top foul-mouthed birds. Dreadful sorry, m'dear; couldn't resist it.
    Insults are all part of the game
    That line is so bad and too lame ;-)
    So turn up the heat
    Make y'r enemies bleat
    And give them back more of the same.
    They say it's a form of respect
    When by magpies you're violently pecked
    For an avian mob
    It's just part of the job
    They don't care if your features are wrecked
    Whatever became of Cock Robin,
    I hear you cry, wailin' and sobbin'.
    Well, don't look at me!
    Don't do archeree
    Just try feel the beat, get the throbbin’. Well, don’t blame me, blame Chalky, Darren or Merriam-Webster's!
    There once was a redheaded blonde
    Of whom I was terribly fond
    Her green brown grey eyes
    And roan skewbald thighs
    Made me ask if she'd like to abscond.
    The loveliest lady I know
    Is a tranny called 'Leg-over Flo'
    What she'll do for a pound
    Will amaze and astound
    But the therapy after will cost though
    My wife’s wearing spurs – in our bed,
    There's an odd wire thing on my head Well, a guy gets simulposted, what dost thou expect?
    And I don't know whether
    we should get it together
    With the guests or each other instead *deploys coat*
    The problem with most politicians
    Is their penchant for loose coalitions
    They plan and they plot
    And care not a jot
    When spending our bank depositions.
    My taxes so gladly I'll pay,
    If you'll take Michael Howard away
    Call men in white coats!
    While he cackles and gloats
    And makes like he's god's gift next May. 2005. Nah - surely not. He won't really WIN, will he?
    A serious lot are the Swedes
    Much given to wearing of Tweeds
    They hammer and screw (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
    and turn the air blue (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
    with fumes from the smoking of weeds.
    A frivolous lot are the Welsh
    For scansion is left on the shelf
    The same goes for rhyme
    And tune, most of the time
    And drinking on Sunday's I'm told
    The Welsh are a frivolous lot - let's try that last idea out in a way that can actually be rhymed without recourse to the Star Trek Klingon Dictionary™
    For their clothing they care not a jot! True. I wrapped one in tin foil today.
    They can often be seen Curse that simulposting!!
    in peninsular Lleyn (Bif) Yes, but we are deeply frivolous. There's a difference, inni' aye.
    Knitting sweaters from seaweed and snot. http://www.lleynsheep.com/
    Believe in your faith and you’ll see, Also a humble apology to all honest, frivolous but hard-working Welsh women and men!
    The Welsh dragging snot from the sea
    It gets caught in their rowlocks
    And then removed by their cox
    who sells it to tourists. Tee-hee!
    welsh sea snot] I take it that you guys just stumbled upon that one ? Or have you perhaps tried Lava Bread ? para 7. Its basically seaweed/algae or similar and they mix it with oatmeal and make little cakes with it fried for breakfast. Marvellous stuff, though in it's pre oat added form it looks like a big pile of darkish green MUCAS.
    Make that 'mucus', st d ;o)
    I bake cakes with the stuff in my nose
    With a pinch of jam found 'twixt my toes
    And then sprinkle some
    Of the fluff from my tum
    It's good as a cure for all woes -- probably because once you eat this all your other problems will seem small in comparison :)
    He nibbled her earlobe, then said: (all this food-talk makes me hungry...)
    "Can I put some of this on my bread?"
    She said, "Cut that out!"
    "Or your ear I will clout!"
    "You can't, 'S been eaten, You've fed!"
    She served him a hot pie in bed, ...more food, now breakfast...
    And rubbed warm goose grease on his head don't ask me where that came from
    But in places below an oportunity for depravity, perhaps?
    Whee no foodstuffs should go
    Where Bugger, sorry..
    He was subjected to leeches and bledThis sounds like a Michael Winner film
    Well if that's what you think, I don't care!
    I don't give a jot for your stare
    Be off with you, fool
    And as for your tool
    , well, must cause you the greatest despair.
    I once knew a farmer who said:
    "O'ive no problem wi' rain on me 'ead"
    "Now get orf me land"
    "W'your marchin' band
    "Or my roifle will soon make you dead." a happy end for that one!
    Dear Father, please send fifty quid.
    'Though I can't bear to say what I did
    Don't ask any questions
    About nasty infections You can tell that the University students have gone back cant you?
    And d'you know a good name for a kid?
    rofl at that last one...
    It happened in old Monterrey
    While enjoying the bracing sea spray
    Due to great land erosion My geography is fairly poor, but isn't Monterrey inland? ;-)
    If Toutatis had hit...
    And my ships huge corrosion Noah made it inland didn't he (?) and my yacht is made of glass reinforced plasics but what he heck…
    I could sail over land every day.
    Toutatis has tried to board us! [Raak] Thanks for the inspiration
    So I'll pack and leave with the next bus! (Space shuttle buses may become more common one future day....)
    But in the act of escaping [Howie] - I thought it was a Cheese, but then again I know Jack!
    A cake I was baking
    Was launched from the oven toward us
    His body dropped down like a stone
    hit the ground with great smashing of bone
    One more mountaineer
    Now flying, Oh dear!....like an angel?
    Approaches the heavenly throne.
    The well-heeled folk of Sevenoaks
    Turn noses up at lim’rick jokes
    But with I M Pentameter
    Their footwork is amateur
    And fun at them everyone pokes
    She said: May I teach you safe sex?
    He replied: I'm more into safe hex
    But activities in Binary
    despite all the finery
    Beats anything by Posh and Becks
    She said: May I give you a tip?
    He said "Not just now; I'm in knip"
    But if you'll lend me a token
    I'll leave Thorpe-le-Soken
    And thankfully kiss your red lip. ....or: Getting rid of your stiff upper lip?
    It’s Friday, let’s meet at the Pub,
    [Marc] Love to, but I'm off to my club
    It's highly exclusive - don't ya know
    Because I'm reclusive
    But please don't take this as a snub!
    wonderful stuff!
    Chalky - My brain is too full - I'm in shock
    I shall hide in this grandfather clock
    I just hope that the bob-weights
    don't tickle my knob, mates,
    Then grandpa’s for sure starts to rock![Rosie]...I thought you were a honourable woman!?
    She giggled and said: “What is that?”
    "It's a teapot on top of my hat!"
    "If I want some tea," [Marc] Did you really not know that Rosie's a man??
    "you must bow to me" (Marc) Wildly wrong on both counts. :-) See http://www.geocities.com/pantsmcprofiles/profiles.html
    Why did it come out with all those spaces, but not this time?
    Then I’ll kick your ass, said Cheshire cat [Rosie] No wonder then that I thought the fading scent from your lines was more like ‘Axe Marine', but my smelling sense is not so good any more.....
    John Howard will never be gone!
    "He goes on and on". (Anon) (Marc) Yerssss. I do wash y'know. :-)
    So here's what I think:
    We could all use a drink - though this is probably true at any time and not just 'cos of the Aussie elections :)
    To celebrate (down-under) erection’s withdrawn?
    My butler is off for tonight, (sorry all, of course I meant election !)
    And he's left the house looking a fright Of course you did Marc :)
    Because it is haunted
    By spooks I'll be taunted
    But I'm Dracula so off for a bite
    "Do you have to go, Laura?" I said
    "I thought you'd like Dawn of the Dead"
    "They look just like you."
    "Have not got a clue,"
    "How do you get a girl into bed?"
    She will get into bed when she's ready
    With curlers and mudpack and teddy
    Phooar, sexy mudpacks! Mmm!
    Her nightgown is woolly
    And covers her fully sorry, couldn't resist
    Cor blimey! This outfit is heady! Haaang on...are we talking Teddy as in skimpy diaphanous-yet-wooly garment held together with "strategically placed snap fastenings" (hurhurhur) or were you thinking more along the lines of a clockwork Ursus Somnolus that sings "Walzing Matilda"?
    There once was a dimwitted poet,
    A Crescenter. Wouldn't you know it?
    The name - I'll reveal
    His ineptitude Stress shift required.
    BUGGER! Didn't see you there, Darren. I'll have another go.
    Not David Baddiel? Tiresome git. This is my actual contribution, BTW.
    But ------- BLUE PENCIL -------
    Sorry can't allow that to be seem
    So who let that censor in here?
    There once were two dimwitted poets,
    Who kept as pets boy and girl stoats "Poets"? Come on...
    Their loud copulation (Puckoon) Who's the censor? You, matey, to judge by the message timing. If you can't think of a line then just sit this one out.
    Was justification
    For helping them on with their coats Needs a Lincolnshire accent for this one to rhyme, but it does work, honest. 'Coats' is 'Coo-arts', 'stoats' 'stoo-arts etc etc.

    A return to more RP reciting
    Does one not think these vowels sound inviting? Kudos to Darren for that nifty line 4
    For rain falls in Spain
    Ignore Michael Caine (Pen) That sounds more like Hartlepool to me, where the word "no" is two syllables, prounced "Noah" or "gnawer". Maybe it's an east-of-England thing.
    Cause he’s more for free fiction writing.
    Alas poor Yorick, my head I have lost,
    Alas
    It is mouldering in the compost
    Its vacuous grin God, this is gruesome.
    And this dastardly sin
    Will be solvèd by Inspector Frost.
    My thumb's fallen into my soup
    Said Scoutmaster Bill, to his troop
    "Don't shout too loud!"
    Was the will of the crowd
    "You'll get it back once you go poop."I have been silent too long. Just intervening to say I've been laughing along wit you [arteests] for some tyme now. *chuckle* Now carry on! [slinking back into the shadows] don't be alarmed by me raucous laughter.
    The election's a fortnight away
    And our nerves are beginning to fray
    Now this time peace will win ...winning scansion forever!
    'Cause Kerry's long chin
    Will start charming people any day
    Now
    "Wear shiny plastic on your skin" gruntgrunt
    And try to imagine you're thin good memory required
    The semi-transparent
    ... just almost apparent ...
    It looks like you're just wearing a grin.
    The Cheshire Cat smiled and spoke thus:
    "Because I just fade, there's a fuss"
    "People wonder and stare"
    ''When I'm only part there''
    "And that's why I'm wearing this truss."
    For five hundred years I had thought
    that happiness could always be bought (Projoy) the secret of your longevity being.....?
    And was cheap at the price
    ....so much cheaper than rice…
    But then I found I'd been "caught".
    It's taken me ten years to find
    The piece that fell out of my mind
    It was here all the time
    It must mean that I'm
    What's left after Lechter had dined
    To a nice piece of liver I'm partial
    Before I'm up for my latest court martial
    It'll cook up so fine
    Judge and jury shall dine
    and I my defences shall marshal.
    Close reading of texts will reveal
    The source of your minister's zeal
    Chapter 3, verse 16
    No, not that! You’re so mean!
    You might get off on appeal
    The problem with such hermeneutics
    They're no match for the Gaul sage, Refutix
    Cite chapter and verse
    Till they rage, spit and curse
    Then persist: they'll explode in a few ticks.
    I read, in today's Daily Mail,
    That Prince Philip's turned into a quail stranger things have happened
    Her Maj is appalled
    Though he was pretty old
    but now she'll have eggs sans pareil. All right, male quails don't lay eggs.
    It's often been said, down our way Or often been Sid, as I typed before...
    That male quails don't lay eggs, unless gay
    And those that they do Mmm, this is getting quite surreal.
    Are just filled with goo
    Bollocks! That's all just hearsay.
    There was a young lady from Camden
    Who always liked to keep her hand in
    Quite where, we don't know
    We suspect it was Bow
    (It's the sort of place she'd make one "stand" in)
    I've been told that the Tottenham Court Road
    Is a bad place to be for a toad
    But frogs are OK
    ,lightly killed, they say, Rather crunchy.
    Unlike ferrets, which tend to explode. It happened nine times yesterday...
    There was a young gent lived in Fulham limerick syntax declared
    A hit with girls - boy, could he pull 'em!
    For he was well endowed opening for abuse....
    And oft stood rather proud never knowingly underestimated
    And his silken words always would lull 'em
    I'm standing in two feet of rain
    Yes, my basement is flooded again
    The waters are lapping unfinished sentence al...
    And the kids are all clapping
    the Medway - it's won yet again.
    Outside it is blowing a hooley More bloody rough weather, eh Rosie?
    And the rain pisses down most unduly (Actually, it's quite fine here and now.)
    But whether the weather
    goes mad altogether (Softers) Yes. Nasty but not dire. This one's been hyped up a bit, but the barometer will go quite low, even so.
    Would depend on 'Hurricane Julie' / Be sure to lag both of your goolies - Bifurcating, with slight force
    Remember, when out in the rain / "I'll say it to you, straight and plain" No idea what happens next. Maybe this is just an advert for The Furcation Game. We'll see.
    That hail would be causing more pain / "Bend your knees when lifting, don't strain"
    It could be so much worse / For the weight of this purse
    Then I’ll call my sweet nurse / We deliver this verse:
    And we'll try that nice treatment again / By Virgin, the strain's on the train
    Giving rise to much 'booing' and 'hissing'
    For to Gerrymander
    is but to pander
    a sort of backhanded ar*e kissing
    I'm off to an Anne Summers do! (not been to one before - should I be apprehensive?)
    To see things...that are mainly see-through (oh yes)
    Some of them wobble and buzz (can I come?)
    Respectfully, Bm, might that scan a little better if it were:
    Some wobble and buzz
    Some light up - this one does!
    Like my glowing vibrator does too.... (....well, not mine but maybe Anne Zummer's....?)
    Now bin Laden is talking again, (does 'poetry' and politics unite?)
    At least he has not got a plane *carpentry invoked*
    His call to surrender
    In bra and suspender
    Show his smalls must be causing him pain LOL the mental picture of BinLaden in bra and suspenders is a disturbingly funny one...
    There once was this horny old goat,
    Who made an odd sound in his throat
    Which sounded just like...
    An old motor bike
    That was pow'red by a treadmill-bound stoat.
    I hide in the depths of this pear
    Eating tunnels that go here and there A limerick narrated by a maggot?
    On reaching the core
    I start outward once more
    So when you take a bite have a care (nothing worse than finding half a maggot in your pear)
    Who cares about this election?
    Cried the Chinese girl in my direction.
    The whole politburo
    standing leady, theil heads glow (what do I know about politicians….?)
    Whatever - there's f**k-all selection.
    The time to take action is now
    The road ahead's blocked by a cow
    And the bovine obstruction
    (By simple deduction)
    Is worse than that caused by a sow.
    The omission of the letter 'K'
    Is useful in one certain way
    If you find that you kneed (Oh, a play on words... maybe I'm slowly getting better)
    A Knurd knamed Knaveed
    He's over on Knorthampton Way
    In Knaresborough, knaves know about knickers
    A Subject that sometimes sees snickers [Rosie] Fiendish Aliteration count there
    When wearing white woolies
    To ward off the bullies Nice one, Rosie :-)
    Be braced for a big bloke that bickers
    America civilised? Pah!
    'Bout time we realised, yah?
    George Bush has English roots
    Thinks after he shoots
    The Yank's guzzle more gas - by far.
    In Arabia, baby, a girl
    Whose umbrella refused to unfurl
    Had a trouble with wind
    'Cos her mother had sinned
    by sitting with her feet on a sill
    My tumour grows large in the Fall
    My humour, by contrast, grows small
    My gloags start to spread
    (I hasten to point out, btw, that I wrote that line before I saw the news story about Mrs Edwards)
    and click inside my head
    Believe me, that's not nice at all.
    So, reasons to not give a **** (you decide!)
    Include rudeness, forgetfulness, thrift, This censorship is out of hand, at least if you don't get a Christmas present.
    But my favourite excuse
    To politely refuse
    Which will leave grammar purists well-miffed.
    So, reasons to not give a f*** (again, your choice)
    That the Dems are so down on their luck (not beating about the bush, as it were)
    It's only four years (Though imagine if Bush got assassinated - Cheney would get the rest of his term, then undoubtedly be elected for a new one, and could stand for yet another at the end...)
    Yet I have many fears
    , not least that the chimp runs amok
    A radio drama is good
    That's what you say - well you would
    But give me a present
    That is effervescent
    And doesn't do more than it should.
    Rememeber, when you're in the car
    The four round things go on the tar
    The pointier end
    Should be first round a bend
    And Ford means "Found On Road Dead," har har.
    Bear in mind, when alighting the train
    Look right, then left, then right again
    "Is this Liskeard (for Looe)?"
    "Or New Street (for Crewe)?"
    "No. It's a roundabout and you are a pain!"
    A splendour rose up in the sky
    "Hey, big splendour!" I heard Shirley cry
    The splendour replied:
    "I'm small and on my side;"
    Ne'er again will I stargaze while high.
    A duck, and a coin, and a shoe
    Are things I have fished from the loo.
    tramp steamers and trains
    (they're big, they block drains) Not the only thing, I've found. :-(
    And a TARDIS mislaid by Doc. Who
    If it's good, then give it no thought
    Don't bother with "should I?" or "ought...?"
    Just jump right on in
    It can't be a sin
    unless of course you get caught. (Raak) Amazing coincidence: - My first attempt was exactly the same as yours only you got in first. Great Minds . . .
    [Raak, Rose] Great minds? I beg to differ. Anoraks... ;o)
    Such a thrill to be breaking the law
    So I think that I'll do it some more [Pen] I've met Rosie and I can assure you he is not/doesn't wear an anorak.
    Oh. Hello Inspector!
    My name's Doctor Lecter
    Excuse me while I eat Al Gore.
    My cholesterol levels are high
    'cos I'm overly fond of Gore Pie
    Except for the crust
    all covered in dust
    from cremating that Arafat guy.
    The great thing 'bout this time of night (Softers) Cheers. I did have a duffel coat at one time.
    Is that nobody else is in sight ;-)
    They'll never find out
    I'm tickling trout
    But why do they put up a fight?
    A double deep black cherry pie
    A fruity delight to my eye
    With thick double cream
    And fish oils of bream
    Has just made me puke down my tie.
    Don't talk to the oiks, Pollyanna
    They're bound to hate your jolly manner
    And as for your hair,
    Well, to be fair,
    I would call it brunette, but I canna. Yeah, yer annoying wee gingernut....
    [Projoy] so you had nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon than watch crappy films too?
    Christmas is coming they say
    So I think that I just skip that day
    And just have New Year [pen] Yes, it was so utterly syrupy, I got stuck to the sofa. I cheered when she got run over.
    With three gallons of beer
    And lots of loose women, wahey!
    An elephant kiss'd me, m'lud!
    Its trunk was most clearly no dud!
    It sought out the parts
    For refreshment by tarts coat!
    which sounds like a joke by Roy Hudd. I know one of his scriptwriters. So that's where he gets them.
    Exhibit A: Elephant, one
    Exhibit B: half a swiss bun
    The jury will find
    (if it's that way inclined)
    The rest in a great pile of . . . "what's brown and sounds like a bell"
    Douglas Adams wrote "The Salmon of Doubt"
    Working title "Faith Haddock Without"
    But the draft wasn't finished
    Adams' strength was diminished
    The light of his life flickered out.
    Tim Berners-Lee said of the web
    "It makes me look less of a pleb."
    "For I now wear flash suits"
    "Gone are those zoots"
    "Don't you think I resemble a deb?" That's enough of that!
    As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
    "I am wearing my pants on my head."
    "and my socks on my thumb"
    Which has made them go numb
    "And smell oddly like garlic bread"
    In the middle of writing an ode
    to the hard men who dig up the road
    I spied a strange man
    Making tea in a can
    While his body was painted with woad.
    While attending a conference in Ghent
    I found that my briefcase was bent
    Its titanium hinge
    Had developed a fringe
    Of no use to a business-like gent
    The good folk of Buckfastleigh, Devon
    All retire to bed around seven
    For they get up at eleven (oops this is going to be an all lines rhyme limerick)
    Read a book by Nye Bevan
    and pray that they go to heaven
    When standing alone in the dark
    I disrobed, to my vest, for a lark.
    I re-dressed in a hurry
    when a truck load of slurry
    Escaped (stained my shirt with a mark).
    The trouble with loaning out bees
    is thay always come back with strained knees Hern
    Quite why this is so
    I really don't know
    But a physicist might for some fees (according to Physics, a bumblebee can't fly).
    A stalactite falls from the roof
    Wooky Hole provides us with proof quite splendid caves there, well worth a visit
    That if no-one is there
    does anyone care? - Who gives a Hern
    Or are we completely aloof?
    There once was a student in Leeds
    Whose ambition was spreading his seeds
    So of he went clubbing
    while elm seeds dropping
    And satisfied all of his needs.
    "MY GOD" said her lady in waiting
    "Her Ladyship's gorn out nude skating!"
    "If she slips on her front"
    "She may bear the brunt"
    Of two Green Carpet Moths mating
    It's about time I started a round I'm getting fed-up just drawing lines for other people.
    "Frère Jacques" will do - nice sound.
    "Sur le pont d'Avignon"
    Si vous dirai-je mamman
    Tut, tut. Our French is not good, I'll be bound!
    There once was a frozen lake [previous limerick] it's not bad, and I'd know. I see bad French all the time - generally in my own notes. sigh.
    Whose ice would many a maid take
    The maids were not found (not aimed at anyone in particular, but players unsure of the best rhythm for a limerick might find this useful. (Rhymes are, luckily, more intuitive).
    Actually, this page is a bit more user-friendly.
    Above the cold ground
    Sorry, it doesn't quite scan, so how about this, which keeps the original as much as poss -

    There once was a large frozen lake
    Whose ice would many maids take
    The maids were not found
    Above the cold ground
    But below, astride the giant hake!

    Huzzah! for brave snorgle; how quick!
    She loves to display her new trick.
    She scans like a dream
    Just a pity the rest are so thick.
    The man who came to fix my door [p,D,P,MD,B] Best for a while - the metric feet are dancing!
    Left a ruddy great hole in the floor 'Twas on the Monday morning
    His extremely large tool
    He had placed in my stool ouch!
    I'm still not quite sure what it's for.
    The Alpha lost his Iota
    Which took him beneath his set quota
    The Beta protested
    So the Gamma arrested
    The Alpha for breaking the rota.
    A Thesaurus is a very strange book
    It won't help you garden or cook
    Though Roget's compiling
    often helps me when filing is no-one gonna complain about dodgy lines for a while then?
    But it's no use to Peregrin Took
    *grumble grumble*
    Look at me! I can perfectly scan!
    That he said as he shat in the fan!
    Scatologically
    There's an appology
    For mistaking the fan for the pan. Honestly, I despair, sometimes!
    Poor Kim's on the verge of despair
    But truthfully, folks. Do you care?
    For the world's never right
    Full of envy and spite
    And people with egg in their hair.
    Let's all go and verb some new words!
    And devariate a few herds
    I've started to battle
    With glaive and atlatl
    I've joined the neologian nerds!
    hmm - didn't actually intend to press the 'submit' button, but it's done now ... serves me right for multi-tasking
    "I'm surrounded by fools!" I cried this is 100% true.
    And, quite shortly after, I died
    It just serves me right
    For talking such shite
    Now Hell's jaws, for my soul, open wide.
    There was a young fellow from Barrow (Chalky) Wot - you got a cuppa tea there 'n' all.
    Who grew a remarkable marrow
    He took it to fair
    But it could not compare
    With Sid's prize-winning tap-dancing sparrow. [Rosie - yeah ... and the rest]
    My job at the City Sperm Bank,....I'm very impressed by above sparrow-limerick, well done!
    Makes use of a very large crank
    When turned, it produces
    A wide range of juices
    And all for the price of a spank!
    Fantastic!
    When's the best time to eat bread?
    While bathing or when you're in bed?
    .. and as toast or just slices?
    With jam or fried mices?
    try rats and you'll just end up dead!
    Clam up or start spilling the beans?
    I'm sure you all know what that means!
    Foul-spoken slang
    with a south London twang I don't even need to try.
    Is polite banter in Milton Keynes.
    I live for the taste of curried beans
    That just doesn't scan right, does it? How about...
    I live for the hot taste of beans
    Dripped over the neighbourhood queens
    or bronx, brooklyn, staten
    An' I'm estimatin'
    oi u can't go around changing the start line! Where's the challange in that? I shall now sulk for the next 40 nights...........
    [widey] We've only got one nights.
    [SM] "One nights"?
    Darren] ...and one Simons too.
    widey - it didn't scan! And Simons - does that rhyme? Bah, I'm turning into Rosie!
    The beans were produced by Peek Freans.
    Today is the day that the bears... (unfinished sentence alert).
    ...will go hibernating downstairs, (do polar-bears hibernate?)
    So lock up your fridge
    To a nearby bridge
    so as not to get court unawares [Marc] Of cause they don't, don't be silly, they do there best hunting in the dark, how else can they creep up on the Penguins?
    With no more than a piece of elastic, [Puckoon] CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT. Spleen vented; sorry.
    I essayed a, épaulement fantastic
    That's I essayed an épaulement fantastic
    it delighted the crowds [everyone] STOP ARGUING! there's only one nights.
    who hoisted their shrouds nights] What happened to the other one thousand then? More downsizing?
    They don't know my hip's made of plastic.
    I pulled, and I grunted, and groaned
    And forgot my bold tags as well :-(
    I tugged and I panted and moaned
    But still I could not
    shift Stonehenge one jot (snorgle) You'll need to acquire, ahem, certain features. But I'm sure you knew that anyway. :-)
    So it's off to the Tor to get stoned
    I essay a stunning jetée
    (zhet-ay)
    Followed through with a graceful plié (plee-ay)
    But my battement tendu
    Was pas bien comprendu
    And everyone's calling me gay! boom-boom
    When alone, with my "great" plans
    I call in my legion of fans
    They bow down before me
    And all call me Normy
    Disturbingly, most drive white vans.
    On a recent visit to Devon
    I refuelled at a small 7-11
    I misread the sign
    For the A339
    and I'm now on the A327 help!
    Be careful, be wary, be wise!
    For all that they tell you is lies!
    but I don't believe it
    not one little bit
    but they will ask, "Who ate all the pies?"
    Oscar Wilde was a very great wit,
    but others just think he was shit,
    some like him a bit,
    some call him a hit,
    and others would cover him with grit.
    Showing off I know but what the heck...
    Now, Oscar, he's gone off to glory
    That might be the end of his story
    For those with such pride
    (And Lions to hide)
    the rest, I'm afraid, is too gory.
    I'm looking out of my window
    O'er the hillocks of blustery Findo
    I must wear a hat
    Made out of a cat
    Or stay in and play my Nintindo.
    "Pathetic!" I heard a man shout
    "And you call yourself a Boy Scout?!"
    "When in the BB" oblig. (BB is short for Boys' Brigade)
    "It's apparent to me"
    "You must NOT let your Troop be wiped out!"
    Fall in!
    He shouted "You 'orrible lot!"
    "What a shower of shit that I've got!"
    Shoulders back, stand up straight
    And hold out your plate!
    And eat it all up while it's hot.
    The trouble with riding a horse
    In traffic and not on a course!
    Is unknown to me
    However, I flee
    In case it gives grounds for divorce.
    I'm back in the saddle once more
    not minding that it mkaes me sore
    If I grip with my thighs
    I get quite a surprise [pen'll know what I mean :-b]
    For I've found an old apple core
    A duck à l'orange, if you please!
    And to follow, the board a la cheese!
    And then, ice de cream
    (I'll pass on the bream)
    Try 'a runner' but lose my car keys.
    I once saw a duck mount a moose
    Perhaps she thought it was a goose
    This sexual perversion
    And cervine coercion
    Demolished a Norwegian Spruce.
    You can't fit a moose in your mouth
    Unlike ungulates of the Deep South
    Over in the East
    Raw elk is a feast
    but they still prefer haggis in Louth
    Those sirens are driving me mad!
    'Snot as if I've been really that bad...
    If I give in to the law [Puckoon] Louth is my home town... I'll grant you a temporary poetic licence for that blatant untruth.
    They'll sound them much more
    And at our drowning we'll be glad using poetic license to switch between two meanings of sirens
    'Tis the season of snow and good cheer
    Though there ain't much of that around here
    White stuff's not falling
    I think that's appalling
    "Oh shut-up and drink up your beer." -
    So, only six months until Summer! Woo-hoo!
    It's less than the wait for a plumber
    But slightly more wet
    There's much winter yet
    Don't remind me, it is such a bummer
    So is it a foot or an inch?
    You'll see if you give it a pinch
    I can tell by the scale
    Because I'm a male
    You need a ten horsepower winch.
    So much for my expectations!
    [Chalky] haven't you forgotten something?
    Chalky - So much for my expectations!
    The Wichita Lineman - T'is the season of good will to all nations (repair over)
    In short supply
    *confused* - thought I posted the first line to a limerick?
    Well that's what it looked like on my browser :-S
    And who is the Witchita Lineman?
    This is all getting very confusing. The Witchita Lineman is probably attributable to Glen Campbell who is a particularly good example of the dreadful American "country music" genre.

    So, shall we try again, and hope Chalky's browser has been de-bugged.

    Chalky - So much for my expectations!
    Software - I was expecting congratulations

    Oh Lordy - woss goin' on?
    SW - I like American country music, OK? :-)
    Anyway, I'm going to start the Limerick again whilst waiting for the Witchita Lineman to reveal him/her self ..
    Chalky - So much for my expectations!
    I fear that all these castrations
    Will hamper my search
    For a ball-bearing perch blimey!
    oh hell... forget the bold 'blimey'
    And my hopes of infant relations. [Chalks], Oh, so you're the one ;-)
    Well, that was all rather confusing
    Is it HTML we're abusing? (comment test)
    Looks like a </b> tag has gorn astray somewhere. I can't fix it from here unfortunately, as I fall foul of the Bad HTML detector
    Ah, found it. There's a </b tag at the end of the "horsepower winch" move above.
    Internet abuse
    Such spurious code
    Was that AXI's move? Maybe it was, so:

    Uncle Korky - Well, that was all rather confusing
    Projoy - Is it HTML we're abusing?
    AXI - Internet abuse
    Software - Is strictly no use

    If the good guys always end up losing.
    "Go away", I explode in my fury
    Going nuclear like old Marie Curie
    and do not come back
    'Til you've found me that hack
    That knobbled the judge and the jury.
    "Stand back! It's a rabid mince pie!"
    "One scratch from its fangs and you'll die!"
    Though it's crust looks quite tasty
    My decision was hasty
    And now up in heaven I sigh. .. hmm .. bit wobbly on the tenses, that one.
    Impartial advice is quite rare
    And even then, to be fair
    I seldom take heed
    Carpe Diem's my creed
    I just do what I want with my hair
    Eating beans and fly fishing with Hartley
    At a village in Wiltshire called Startley
    I caused quite a stir
    'cos I mimicked the burr
    So the trout leapt and slapped my face smartly.
    PLastic surg'ry to lengthen my spine
    They said silicone implants were fine
    But my facelift went "phutt"
    Any now looks like my butt
    Any --> And
    Which is great! So I've no need to whine.
    [SW] Do we really need all these hyperlinks?
    Chalky - Buff up your German and write
    'My German is shiny and bright!' - That's what you meant, isn't it, Chalky?
    Then give him a roast
    After that, you can boast: unfini...
    'It's bangers and mash nächster zeit'
    'My Bach is müch worse than my bite'. [alternative and much better ending - serves me right for getting distracted by that minx penelope when we're supposed to be hard at work. Anyway - apologies for hogging the game - over to you lot ...
    A present is under the tree
    I really hope it's for me
    It's a very strange shape
    and all are agape (Chalky) But is it verse zen your Cherman Bight?
    So I'll open it and we will all see.
    "..and so, in summation", he said,
    "As thrilled as I am with this... head,"
    "The other missing bits..."
    (toes, teeth and tits)
    "Will shortly mean I'll end up dead."
    In a fight with the monster King Kong,
    I realised something was wrong
    For a start, he was tiny
    and his nose it was shiny
    And he emitted a terrible pong!
    While paying for something by Visa
    I was heckled by old Ebenezer
    "Bah, humbug!" he cried
    "I don't care who's died, This quote left deliberately open
    cos I am a grumpy old geezer!" - this quote deliberately closed :D
    I can't see the wood for the trees
    And I can't see the pod for the peas
    or the grass for the blades
    Or my feet for the shades
    I've got an oc-u-lar disease!
    Prepare for the onslaught, my friend!
    With pistols at dawn, make amend!
    The revolution is here
    Our aim? It's not clear
    Oh just how will it all end.
    With a bang, not a whimper, I fear!
    That's how Iraq will end the old year
    But not every place
    With a US army base
    will necessarily cheer.
    And so, Merry Christmas to all!
    I hope that you all had a ball
    And all those at work
    For whom it must irk
    To be 24/7 on call.
    So 2004's nearly done
    I just wish it had been much more fun
    In 2005
    I will not deprive
    The world of my second-best pun. oh yes - it's a killer ...
    Happy New Year, to one and to all
    And may your big things not grow small
    If this should occur
    due to alcohols blur
    then piss up against that there wall. Plunge the knife, then, Chalky.:-)
    Your target is 30 feet high
    (For the Jolly Green Giant must die!)
    I'll take my pea-shooter
    (Blow legumes up his hooter)
    And cook up his veg in a pie!
    In spite of the blustery weather
    I'm off for a tramp through the heather
    'Cos the wind up my kilt
    When I run at full tilt
    Will toughen my scotum to leather oh dear oh dear oh dear....
    I must say that I'm shocked and appalled! Nah, not really.
    not to mention disgusted and galled [pen] what's a scotum? have I got one?
    At the thought that someone
    Should feel moved to con - [hey snorgs - where you beeeeen?]
    us to thinking that this game had stalled! [nights] probably not yet, as you're still only very young ;o)
    It was wrong, I admit and I'm sorry
    To take her to a disused quarry ...bit dark perhaps?
    But in my defence
    I gave her ten pence
    Then let her get out of the lorry dark indeed....
    It's dark, deeply sordid, and wrong
    Let's lighten the mood with a song
    About fluffy chicks
    Who go to the flicks
    In pink feather boa and thong
    The judge stood up straight and orated - Chalky - here and Dublin - just haven't had time to post!
    The verdict that I had awaited:
    "On the charge of fraud - guilty!"
    And 'though not well-built, he
    Smiled like a man being fellated
    innocent whistling
    My feet are too big for my shoes !
    I've been wearing a pair of canoes!
    But they haven't, as yet unfini...
    Let me down in the wet
    So I've booked for a trans-urban cruise. .. bon voyage
    My balls itch so bad...
    Stimpy, that line is WAY too short. It should be AT LEAST 7 syllables. Unless it was just a general comment - in which case, see your doctor!
    If you find that your balls have an itch
    Dip them into a tub of hot pitch
    While it might make them swell
    it's just as well
    that your sex life was never that rich. (Raak) you're a sadist, man/
    I find proper grammer attractive
    Which suggests that my sex life's inactive
    When I see a subjunctive
    (Would it were conjuctive)
    My libido becomes hyperactive
    there once was a man from tashkent
    Who, somehow, contrived to invent
    A portable hole
    and an inverted pole
    And a corkscrew that was straight and not bent.
    meanwhile, an old woman in Essex see how pretty things can be on these things?
    Lay a claim to the Duchy of Wessex
    The root of her title
    Was a deed to a pightle
    (bought with numerous fraudulent checks) (nights)What things?
    at the same time, in darkest frome [snorgle] these forums on the INTarWeB, they can be so pretty when everyone works together
    A maiden was lured to her doom [nights] we've visited frome before... ;o)
    A talll man in black
    who smelt like a yak and had a 50% excess in the "L" department. Better than three buttocks, I suppose.
    Tickled her bits with a broom
    A one-legged man from porthcawl as we are in this mode
    Got pinned up against a brick wall
    But with one mighty hop
    He sprung into a shop
    and gave the police a call [pen] what on earth FOR?
    A disabled old bailiff from York
    Had a peg-leg, capped off with a cork [nights] To argue about its pronunciation, of course!
    His hand was a hook
    His belly - it shook
    whenever threatened with a spork [pen] there's no point - somerset people rarely see reason...
    A train bound for South Abertawe
    Was last seen en route to Malawi Hi all.
    The points were set wrong Now, does everybody know that the last two syllables (out of the 4) of Abertawe rhyme, more or less, with the first 2 syllables of "sou' wester" and, furthermore, it's only bloody Swansea in Welsh anyway. I'll get the breakdown gang. :-)
    Just outside Kampong
    When some hitchikers yelled "Going our way?"      No, Rosie - well at least not me.
    Hitchikers are normal people but they do occasionally drop their aitches.
    *grumble* Banter Game?

    Chalky - If you race round the M25

    Between 4 and a quarter to 5 [Rosie] This site says ta weh. I did check...honest. :-)
    You might see the ghost
    Of the last man to post
    That is, if Chalky's left him alive! *enters Witness Protection Programme*
    Come on, guys, pay attention to the correct stresses of the syllables in the scansion... that last line *simply* *does* *not* *work* in any way, shape or form. Please learn how a limerick works.
    I know that I'm quite the offender
    When I go on a fifty day bender
    But my very besht friend
    Tries to pretend
    That he is my staunchest defender.
    The trouble with being a pedant JLE] It could work (possibly) without that rogue comma - stress on if and left, that is more like that's?
    Is you're less well beloved than a red ant
    And as hierarchies go
    Red ants score quite low
    So ease up and you'll be more pleasant. =)
    Quite terrible things will occur
    should it be that you fail to concur
    So now you'll agree
    You really want me
    Even though I'm a "he" not a "her"
    If you wish to determine my sex
    You'll have to sign seven blank cheques
    Stick three up your arse,
    At the others, throw darts
    And give both my cheeks sev'ral pecks
    'A new lease of life' is a phrase
    That is true in just so many ways
    But it doesn't apply
    To the mote in my eye
    That afflicts me today of all days
    I gambled, and now it's all lost
    as they say in Brum, it's all "bost"
    It's back to the streets
    Dressed in re-cycled sheets
    of old wallpaper, nicely embossed.
    Playing golf, I am twelve over par
    'Cos I can't hit the ball very far
    I find when I swing
    (and now, here's the thing)
    I'm losing control of the car
    My handicap now is just four
    little mites crawling 'round on the floor
    Must find a solution
    To nappy pollution
    Perhaps I'll just show 'em the door...
    Some music has ended the day
    The Birdie Song sent us away
    Although it was naff
    A friendly chiff-chaff
    Set all our hips asway.
    Instead of complaining all day
    The Birdie Song is what we'll play
    Or perhaps Agadoo
    or Kajagoogoo
    or 'Shaddup your face' by Joe Dolcé.
    I can't get it out of my head
    My brain (which is really learned)
    This heavy gold mind
    Is a burden, I find
    So I never get up out of bed.
    I once wrote a line that was good
    And hid it in my Christmas pud
    I poured custard on it
    And then ate my sonnet
    And now 'writer's block's understood
    I opened the cupboard to find
    I've clearly gone out of my mind
    the jams and the sauces
    And other resources
    Are gone - all I have's bacon rind.
    Your starter for ten runs like this:
    What's the pH of elephant piss?
    And if no-one knows
    I shall have to suppose
    The answer lies in the abyss
    These Limericks are making no sense
    Any more than pounds, shillings and pence
    But the payment we get
    Shows demand's being met
    For rhyme that's banal, crass and dense.
    Book early to get the best fare
    Let the train take the strain if you dare
    But if your destination
    Is a Northern Line station
    Dress boldly - clothe yourself in Edgeware!
    Reselling my clothes on ebay
    I blindly gave myself away
    When I sold my best garter
    I fumbled the barter
    I went to the grocery store yesterday
    The key to a pithy last line
    Was lost on the banks of the Tyne
    The poet, ashamed,
    on dyslexia blamed,
    His failure to lyrically shine
    There's naught I like more than to shout
    At the lads "C'mon, get it out!"
    I'm sometimes surprised [nice one muttleee :-)]
    That something so prized
    Is so rarely bandied about
    You'll get your extremities cold T/s/C/D/C - excellent!
    Unless you will do what you're told
    So I'm telling you now
    Stick your hands in a cow © Dunx
    Or a maiden from Stow-on-the-Wold
    Cotswold ladies can react quite badly
    When seduced by a schoolboy from Radley
    They throw up their arms
    And expose all their charms
    Which are not all that charming, quite sadly
    Until now I had never known fear
    But my arm is now stuck up the rear unfinished sentence alert
    Of a gestating cow
    and what I need now
    Is a booking on Brighton's West Pier
    I've booked a half-page colour space bloody newspapers
    (On which to emblazon my face)
    It may cost a lot
    but I'll give it a shot
    My address is attached - just in case.
    I threw up my arms in dismay
    Distraught at the death of Fay Wray
    at the hands of a monkey
    So sprightly and spunky
    a girl was gorilla paté.
    The disturbance this evening in Maine god, I hope nothing's actually happened in Maine
    For news of which we search in vain If we're that sad.
    I am told was a shocker
    It took place in a locker
    But no trace of events do remain. ... bugger
    Explosive and dangerous stuff
    is Marmite stains on a shirt cuff
    For, when they ignite,
    Not even "Allbrite"
    Can douse the flames quite well enough.
    When rain stops play at Trent Bridge
    I immediately dive for the fridge
    In its depths I discover
    My previous lover
    That's Mary (with Mungo and Midge)
    A cloak of the finest azure
    With sequins and feathers galore
    Is the best thing to wear
    When you have an affair
    And it beats 'doing it' on the floor
    A dog and a cat and a hat
    An ice-skate and large cricket bat
    A man, a canal,
    A plan quite banal
    The result? An unsolved dingbat.
    Most people who went to my school
    Epitomised liminal cool
    The rest of the nerds
    Who travelled in herds
    Are the ones who are destined to rule.
    It's true that us nerds have an edge nice finish, Raak
    In signing the temperance pledge
    Because we can't drink
    We think we can think
    With more than our meat and two veg.
    Confucius said: “This new year,”
    just adding a tiny syllable ...
    Confucius he said: "This new year
    Will bring forth a glorious fruit beer.
    It's flavoured with lichees
    And, doing your tai chis,
    will get you slung out on your ear.
    Whilst on the razz, dressed as a nun
    I happened upon a shotgun
    I'd no need to worry
    As I was in Surrey
    A great place to be 'on the run'
    Your honour, I plead mitigation
    Because of this strange litigation
    I'm stuck in this dock
    Because of my cock a doodle doo
    which I exposed at East Croydon station. What's the problem? Nobody would notice because they're all wittering into their sodding mobiles. (Tuj) Bad luck!
    The judge showed no mercy at all continuing the story...
    and had me chained up to a ball
    He duly proclaimed Rosie] for the sake of decency, it could still be an animal...
    I deserved to be blamed
    For the rate of exchange in Nepal
    The answers which all of us seek
    Will be broadcast on telly next week
    When Richard and Judy
    And an overweight foodie
    Will consume a quarter-ton leek
    Whilst overindulging on veg
    I managed to fall into a hedge
    Beneath which, I found
    ten dollars, one pound
    And an ageing gay rocker named Reg
    A predisestablishmentarian
    Said this, to a parliamentarian
    "The Bishop of Ely (snorgle) Are you absolutely certain that Parliament existed in the predisestablishment era? I only arsk. :-)
    Just gave me a feely
    Which proves he's a humanitarian."
    And copped an incredibly hairy one
    sorry - Simulpost Carry on
    'On a course aimed at self-cultivation
    We learned about auto-cremation
    So give me a match
    And a nicorette® patch
    Self-esteem, Self-respect, immolation!
    Exteleologicalism (that's better, I was trying to find a word that would take up a whole line).
    *sigh*
    Exteleologicalism
    When spelled wrong can cause rheumatism
    But with letters correct
    It is not, I suspect
    A reason for triumphalism
    Proper spelling's a thing that's essential
    Lest your writing's deemed inconsequential
    So practise with letters
    As do all good typesetters hope that's spelt right . . .
    When slinging the lead to their betters.
    Vary the rhyme scheme for kicks!
    Or instead of just five lines, write six!
    Yes, lengthening's one of our tricks.
    When we get to the middle
    Of the Rhymsterists's riddle
    Attempting to fiddle
    Around with the form, and to mix
    In even more words, making the whole structure very hard to fix.
    *Bing-bong* An announcement for you:
    Pink will henceforth be sky-blue
    Red is now Green
    Fergie is now Queen
    And all that was false is now true.
    This lim'rick, in truth, is a lie
    It was written by him on the sly
    While him on the swings
    Eating butterfly wings
    Was sitting there wondering why.
    While binning a pile of junk mail
    I bumped into Donna McPhail
    She's lived in my bin
    With her patrilineal kin
    writing jokes which invariably fail
    My golden retriever once said
    I fancy a trip to the Med
    I sent him at once
    'cos they've now banned the hunts
    Which makes it hard keeping him fed.
    On a bus into town one morning
    A huntsman jumped on, without warning
    , yelled, "Follow that Fox!"
    Pointed at my red socks
    I said, "They're pinks, now stop all that fawning"
    While murdering a Chopin Mazurka
    Veiled in her secretmost bhurka
    The lady concerned
    Amusingly gurned
    And dreamed of her broad-chested Gurkha.
    The cast of Auf Wiedersehen Pet
    doubled as stagehands building the set
    Their cry was, "Oh Lordie!" [setting up a rhyme there]
    "We're almost all Geordie!"
    "Except for that daft Brummy get!"
    ^^^^ Very good one! ^^^^

    In time, we will look back and laugh

    At the day we got stuck in the barf
    As the water was rising
    What we found most surprising
    was the vulgar response of the staff.
    Simplicity runs in my veins
    I don't care for lacquers or stains
    I like everything plain
    I'll say it again:
    I use spoons to hack off my chilblains.
    The rain in Spain's mainly on plains
    As stated by those with large brains
    But the snow in Oslo
    As any fule kno
    Is there in spite of the Danes
    The frost in Spain's mainly on cars
    And the ex-pat's are mainly in bars
    They get drunk most nights
    And dress up in red tights
    And dance like there's frost in their drawers
    For those who are cymbocephalic
    Cries of "egghead" ("oeuftête" if you're Gallic)
    You look like a Martian
    Much less than a Spartan Bastard rhyme, Rosie
    All in all, you look really quite phallic.
    Some people, it seems, like the snow (Softers) As I realised too late. :-(
    But what I like, I really don't know
    I've tried asking my
    psychoanalyst why
    I'm so fond of the stuff. He don't know Sorry for the grammar,but had to be done.
    My fav-our-ite colour is blue
    Dunno why, strange but it's true snorgs] simulposted, but I agree with you ;]
    And that sky blue pink
    I what most people think
    I = Is :-(
    Is a warning when bad weather's due. .. shepherds, notably. [not sure where you were heading with that line, Software, but I did my level best]
    Personal hygiene's a must
    In the places where gathers most dust
    That hole in the tummy
    is not always yummy
    Go elsewhere to express your lust. Sage advice
    One should never hide one's own smell
    For perfume will damn you to hell
    Especially if male
    Are smelling like "Dead Whale"
    For your pheromones will ring someone's bell.
    The flowers that bloom in the spring Ought to be in quotes, really.
    Are worn in the beard of the king
    So let us cheer
    And quaff lots of beer
    And do ye olde "whoop-de-doo" thing.
    Line. Drat.
    The truth about Morecambe and Wise
    Is they both shared the same pair of eyes
    No-one could tell
    save Eskimo Nell
    Which joker was which, for a prize.
    There once was a poet from Bonn
    Who had lots of clothing to don
    From her thong to her coat
    and her little pet Stoat
    Backwards strip-tease is a con!
    If you are a fan of punk rock
    You're locked in a timewarp, old cock. (Simons Mith) Quel espèce de con?
    Such a '70's fad
    You're worse than my dad
    Whose tank-top and sideburns I mock.
    Les mots vulgaires sont, ici, [rosie] j'suis tant choqué.
    Je plaid coupable, tant pis. (nights) Well, at least someone got the joke. :-)
    Par exemple, rupettes
    Ou une bite à baguette
    c'est chouette, quand nous faisons ceci. [rosie] what can I say, j'suis geeque.
    The last one was lost in translation
    No great loss (francophile masturbation)
    When language gets screwed
    And poets are lewd
    We'll just leave to play Bifurcation.
    Please start without me, I'm on leave/There once was a Lim'rick for sale
    {And I've something that's hid up my sleeve / There's no chance of a sudden reprieve } / { Which came with a free pint of ale / Which was rather too old and too stale }
    {Is this a dagger?; I'll produce it when/I'm doomed to remain; For fourty-eight hours}
    {And a packet of nuts; It was Ruddles' best/The old man from Dover; Fresh blood was required}
    Please start without me, I'm on leave
            And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
                    Is this a dagger?
                            Or far Wagga-Wagga
                            Or an old Eton fagger
                    I'll produce it when
                            I'm a master of Zen
                            The time's right, and then
            There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
                    I'm doomed to remain
                            On this long-delayed plane
                            On a far darkling plain
                    For fourty-eight hours
                            I must grade all these flours
                            I shall drink whiskey sours
    There once was a Lim'rick for sale
            Which came with a free pint of ale
                    And a packet of nuts
                            With a taste of goat butts
                            And some choice sirloin cuts
                    It was Ruddles' best
                            Called Old Everquest
                            And stank of birds' nests
            Which was rather too old and too stale
                    The old man from Dover
                            Who smuggled it over
                            Said "I'm glad it's over"
                    Fresh blood was required
                            To make it inspired
                            To set it on fire

    I'll have a go at the first one:

    Please start without me, I'm on leave
    And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
    Is this a dagger?
    Or far Wagga-Wagga
    It's neither [or so I believe]
    Left over from last New Year's Eve?

    Please start without me, I'm on leave
    And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
    Is this a dagger?
    Or an old Eton fagger
    If so, then I must be naïve
    Applying some fresh Ibuleve®?

    Please start without me, I'm on leave
    And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
    I'll produce it when
    I'm a master of Zen
    And then, only then will retrieve
    A state which is hard to achieve.

    Please start without me, I'm on leave
    And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
    I'll produce it when
    The time's right, and then
    My state of mind you will perceive
    You'll see why my name isn't Steve

    Please start without me, I'm on leave
    There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
    I'm doomed to remain
    On this long-delayed plane
    Feeling sick with a strong urge to heave
    With a cousin of Christopher Reeve

    Please start without me, I'm on leave
    There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
    I'm doomed to remain
    On a far darkling plain
    With only this basket to weave
    With piles of old timber to cleave.

    Please start without me, I'm on leave
    There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
    For fourty-eight hours
    I must grade all these flours
    Amongst those who pillage and thieve
    After which, a sponge cake I'll receive

    Please start without me, I'm on leave
    There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
    For fourty-eight hours
    I shall drink whiskey sours
    It's by far the best way I can grieve.
    At this rate I'll never conceive

    I see no-one has yet attempted the second mighty-furcation - The Lim'rick for sale one...
    Yesterday - it took me quite a long time to find 16 viable rhymes for the Please start without me one, and as I didn't want to hog the whole thing ... I stopped there. Anyone up for it?
    [Chalks] A whole morning, and nobody has dared reply... Whaddyawannadoo?
    Chalky] Go for it.

    OK - here's part two:

    There once was a Lim'rick for sale
    Which came with a free pint of ale
    And a packet of nuts
    With a taste of goat butts
    No kidding - just try and inhale!
    And seventeen newly plucked quail

    There once was a Lim'rick for sale
    Which came with a free pint of ale
    And a packet of nuts
    And some choice sirloin cuts
    Just right for the discerning male
    A feast of gargantuan scale!

    There once was a Lim'rick for sale
    Which came with a free pint of ale
    It was Ruddles' best
    Called Old Everquest
    So called 'coz it's beer's holy grail
    Available only by mail

    There once was a Lim'rick for sale
    Which came with a free pint of ale
    It was Ruddles' best
    And stank of birds' nests
    When newly blown down in a gale
    But tasted of rancid ox tail

    There once was a Lim'rick for sale
    Which was rather too old and too stale
    The old man from Dover
    Who smuggled it over
    Went straight to her majesty's jail
    Dropped dead from a surfeit of kale

    There once was a Lim'rick for sale
    Which was rather too old and too stale
    The old man from Dover
    Said "I'm glad it's over"
    "The new version I'll now unveil"
    "The rhyme pattern WAS rather frail."

    There once was a Lim'rick for sale
    Which was rather too old and too stale
    Fresh blood was required
    To make it inspired
    It's now reading Language at Yale
    To be a nonsensical tale

    There once was a Lim'rick for sale
    Which was rather too old and too stale
    Fresh blood was required
    To set it on fire
    And fresh words for comic detail
    And give it that sting in the tail

    *phew*

    *creates a thunderous round of applause*
    *gapes in awe. actually in bath, not awe, but you get the idea*
    *WOW, very impressive masterpiece of bifurcation!*
    There once was a Virgin so chaste ...not thinking of Camilla...?
    Who refused to marry in haste ...no, no similarities at all...
    Chalky] *jumps up and down cheering* WOW! Do we have a new game idea here?
    "I'd rather," she said Chalky] Wow! Irouleguy] Well, there is still the furcation game...
    "Keep wetting the bed"
    "than indulge in an act so debased."
    I'n't there 'owt else to eat but this food?
    Ah'm clammin' and I'm norrin the mood
    Fer this fancy frog shite
    W'll 'av me up al' nite
    unless . . .Aww Noooah, ah've pooed.
    The duck à l'orange is delicious [I wonder .. do people still eat that?}
    And the sole meniere is nutritious [Chalks] Yes, I had it on my birthday, last month. It was delicious.
    The crème caramel
    Has gone down very well
    But the wafer mints make me suspicious.
    Waiter! The bill, if you please / Excuse me, can we get the check [Raak] That had me laughing out loud.
    As soon as we've finished our cheese/And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze

    Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec/Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
    Our taxi awaits/The hideous stilton / It's cold enough out/The troublesome weather // The flight from Toronto/It flies in an hour / Except for the beer/I've got an account
    curse you, botherer... okay, I'll try line four
    [Jux] Ha! that happened to me last time - Raak beat me to Line 4 by about 10 minutes. So I copped Line 5. Deep joy :-)
    Waiter! The bill, if you please
    As soon as we've finished our cheese
    Our taxi awaits
    So no further debates / In the United States

    Waiter! The bill, if you please
    As soon as we've finished our cheese
    The hideous stilton
    You serve at the Hilton / Could cause one to wilt on

    Waiter! The bill, if you please
    And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
    It's cold enough out
    That my pitcher of stout / To destroy without doubt

    Waiter! The bill, if you please
    And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
    The troublesome weather
    Has froze us together / Has ruined the leather

    Excuse me, can we get the check
    Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec
    The flight from Toronto
    Is taking off pronto / Will quickly be gone so

    Excuse me, can we get the check
    Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec
    It flies in an hour
    By platypus power / So bring it right now or

    Excuse me, can we get the check
    Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
    Except for the beer
    Charge that to Rich Gere / And these hazelnuts here

    Excuse me, can we get the check
    Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
    I've got an account
    Of a stunning amount / Thanks to Ms. Lisa Blount
    [Jux] Bravo!
    *hankers for a plain vanilla limerick*
    pen] me too! If I read Irouleguy's comment in Banter correctly, the last installment will be appearing in the Bifurcation Game - so-o-o-o ...

    Chalky - It's plain that for easy digestion

    Five lines is the best, there's no question
    If you squeeze any more
    It becomes quite a bore
    , to say nothing of mental congestion. Couldn't 'aandle that last lot. This is more like it.
    True Lim'ricks will follow these rules: (...well, not at this site anyway ;-)
    Good metre and rhyme are their tools
    The scansion shall flow
    The humour be low
    The poets must always be fools.
    Low humour is more of an art
    An vulgarity sets one apart
    *and, rather than an
    So don't trust to luck
    The use of cheap muck
    Is ideal to make up your part
    We'll greet the new day with a smile
    And then enjoy breakfast in style
    Croissants and coffee
    Bats coated in toffee
    And virgins we'll get to defile.
    My cat has got stuck in the hoover
    listening to the Bolan Groover
    Now they jam in duette
    Singing Alanis Morrissette
    And Doug Sahm's She's about a mover
    Whilst buying some bread at the shops
    I also bought barley and hops
    You may say that's small beer
    But never you fear!
    My pot still makes potcheen that's the tops!
    Testing, one two and three
    Why's this microphone wired to me?
    'cos nothing I say
    will enliven your day
    More than watching daytime TV.
    Turn left then go right at the gate
    Twenty paces, then remove some slate
    In the hole that you'll find
    Is some bacon rind
    Bring it here, put it straight on my plate. yum yum
    My instincts, though somewhat subdued
    Involve the consumption of food
    My nibbling nature
    Destroyed every plate yer
    Put in front of me - ain't I rude?
    My birthday's just one day away
    I'll be ninety-three, so my kids say
    But deep down I know
    All the wild oats I sow
    Is what has turned my hair grey.
    I'm going to buy a new house
    One which comes with a resident mouse Sorry, rab.
    who will nibble my cheese
    And give the kids fleas
    And teach them to speak fluent Scouse KC - welcome back!
    I'm going to buy a new love
    Who'll hopefully fit like a glove
    we'll skip 'mongst the daisies
    Like a couple of crazies
    Whilst vultures circle above
    I once had a thoroughbred buzzard
    well jolly good for you - didn't know they existed
    All the vultures and kites thought he wuz 'ard
    He married a thrush
    Though had a mad crush
    Chalky] I can as long as my poetic licence is in date.
    On a peregrine falcon from Luzzard.
    I once had a Falcon called Ken
    Who drank all the scotch in my den
    His resulting bad head
    Imploded then bled
    All over my carpet - bloody alcoholic falcons, ruined it is. RUINED, I tell you.
    sorry, couldn't resist.
    There once was a chap from Khartoum
    Who scootered a way to his doom
    Up the old Khyber Pass
    Keeping Off The Grass
    'cos it's really strong stuff, I assume.
    I once knew a kestrel named Don
    Who wasn't sure which side he was on
    Though he he quite liked the hens Thanks Irouleguy - good to be back :)
    err excuse the double 'he' - I was not in fact laughing (it's too early in the limerick for that) What I in fact meant was
    Though he quite liked the hens
    He hung out in the Men's
    I'll check if he's there.....oh he's gone
    I can't look; if I do I am cursed
    by those who despise Damien Hirst
    Because he's preserved
    A sheep dipped in derv
    But you'll have to admit - that's a first.
    As I stepped away from the urinal
    I went arse-over-tit on the vinyl
    Then I slid to the sink
    Set my nose in a kink
    Now it smells just like Domestos pine'll
    When dogs catch the scent of a pine
    They'll either cock a leg or whine
    But the worst part is this
    On your leg they may p*ss rising to the bait :-)
    And the owners a £25 fine
    There's going to be an election
    So gentlemen, wear some protection
    For what's coming up
    From the depths of my cup
    It's a wonder of nat'ral selection.
    On this day of a right royal wedding
    All adultrous stigma they're shedding
    But to just say 'Ones Sorry'
    For a 31-year foray
    Would ignore many sessions of bedding
    I bring you a new kind of drink
    It is made with the musk of a mink
    And, since it is fizzy,
    You're bound to get dizzy (Oblig.)
    And spill most of the drink down the sink
    I did about half, then gave up
    It's so hard to wash a whole cup
    With hands that are soft
    I just lazily waft
    Some Fairy suds in the general direction of the kitchen sink and then wander off to play with my Weimeraner pup
    The battle for gold is intense
    though tin's just as good, and less dense
    The bronze age's agent
    Was copper's reagent Basta*d rhyme, mutter, gripe
    But steel wire's the best for a fence
    I'm willing to negotiate
    Please Joe, say it ain't so
    argh, sorry...
  • Kim - I'm willing to negotiate
  • CdM - So tell me please, what's your best rate?
    • If we can agree [CdM] What a curious misspost - am wondering if it offers a window into your psyche :-)
    By quarter to three
    Then we can make it before its too late
    variation time:
    May we invite alternative last lines? [no offence, S'ware] It seemed to have so much potential ...
    I'll start with
    I'm willing to negotiate
    So tell me please, what's your best rate?
    If we can agree
    By quarter to three
    My ego won't over-inflate.
    [Chalky] Nothing so interesting; I just failed to notice when I previewed that I was also simulposted. :-)
    [CdM] I used to have a really patronising message warning you about that, but it upset snorgle so I turned it off.
    By four-o-clock I'll find a date
    This time I won't procrastinate
    So let's get it on
    Tuj] I may be wrong but I think the previous two lines were alternative endings - which is entirely my fault for over-complicating things ...however, it all fits so I'll follow ..
    Chalky - Before this mood's gone
    So to bed where we'll procreate [Suitable, Chalks?]
    [CdM, Chalks, Irouleguy, Softers, Juxtapose, Pen, Tuj] Most satisfactory. This should become a variation of the game, where a number of alternatives for lines 3, 4 and 5 are suggested (but 1 and 2 remain fixed).
    Now, if you'll just slip on this slip
    You may trip up just a bit Thanks for the accolade, Kim :-)
    And slide on the floor
    And collide with the door
    Taking care not to bite on your lip
    There once was an artist from Prague
    Who painted the central Camargue
    White horses galore
    Galloping along the shore
    Entre toute des grandes vagues
    There was a young lady from Tottenham (Softers) Je suis impressionné
    Short skirts - wow! She really looked hot 'n 'em
    With her legs e're so long
    And quadriceps strong
    And clogs, that she got straight from Rotterdam.
    A gent who was sent up to Ghent
    Caused havoc wherever he went
    When he jourmeyed from Aix
    "journeyed"...
    He let loose a hex
    Since his pronunciation was bent
    You give me lager when I ask for beer
    And cast me down when I just want good cheer Are we creating a new form, the limeronnet?
    But give me a cider [Raak] No... ;)
    Complete with dead spider Ahhhh! scrumpy..
    And you just watch me disappear!
    "Would you like an extra strong mint?"
    As a chat-up line [maybe a hint?]
    Can only be said
    "I'd rather be dead!"
    "Well, I'd buy you a beer, but I'm skint"
    When you finish your call and ring off
    I can't help but think "what a toff"
    Your accent is posh
    You talk utter tosh
    From my list you will now be struck orff.
    I once met a psychic named Beth
    Who told me the date of my death
    It was two months ago
    Which just goes to show
    Thou shouldst e'er ignore what Beth saith.
    I died on the first day of Spring
    And lay dead as a very dead thing
    I nourish the worms
    But can't come to terms
    With r&b, swingbeat or bling
    The one thing to remember is this:
    Keep your feet wide apart when you piss sorrysorrysorry
    Urine-soaked feet
    For girl's is not neat
    You'll not be number one for a kiss.
    The good folk of Tierra del Fuego
    Know just how to make a good play go
    Their theatre's fame
    Derives from its name:
    "The Performers of Japanese Plays - No"
    The insurance you sold me's no cushion
    So don't come back round to me pushin'
    With your foot in the door
    Your patter's a bore
    So scram, or I'll clobber yer mush in!
    Let's open a new pack of verses
    So cough up, chaps, and open your purses
    They cost a pound each
    The basics we'll teach
    Of rhyming and meter and curses
    The people who live down the road
    Have cornered the market in woad
    They paint themselves blue
    An interesting hue
    Then explode like a germanic toad (what a great story that was)
    Actually; following on from the aborted bifurcating limerick...
    As you eat this Duck à l'Uranium
    To the sound of the sweet-toned harmanium (which is like a harmonium, but more harmanous)
    You might catch a queck (which is like quick but more quacky)
    peek at the old beck (which is like a bick, but sharper)
    Or dig around inside its cranium. (which is a bit like a...oh, sod it.)
    One holiday weekend in May
    I went to a very strange play
    Just an empty old stage
    Holding Nicholas Cage
    With music by John. Stay away.
    I wish I could play violin
    'Cos fiddling is said to be 'in'
    Like fiddling the books
    With too many cooks
    Can lead to many a sin
    rats misaligned
    In politics, all is not fair
    Unless you support Tony Blair
    Whose radical stance
    on invading France
    Touched the heart of the public right there.
    The wilderness threatens my garden
    So in tactics I beg no one's pardon
    I'll brandish this scythe
    And Paraquat-ize
    And wait for the green concrete to harden
    Bordellos in Brighton-on-Sea
    Actually, scrub that, probably has more potential as:
    Bordellos on Frinton-on-Sea
    Are the place where we'd all like to be
    Yes, grab a granny
    And then shag a trannie [oh dear- SO sorry - very naughty]
    with no need to fear pregnancee. ©G & S
    I bring you the following news:
    The government's bought Rodney Bewes
    They're selling Mo Mowlam
    (She was just a golem)
    And increasing the tax on left shoes [Chalks] Re: Rude line - I wrote almost the same one myself but then thought better of it and didn't post it!

    [pen] ah yes, my 'bravery'. Look at the time of posting :-)
    [Rosie] Top finishing btw
    [K,UK,m,INJ,p] latest lim - bravo!
    She attributes her high popularity
    To her straightforward honest vulgarity
    Her Je ne sais quoi
    And the size of her bra Sorry...
    Are the cause of much frequent hilarity.
    Oh, woe and alas and alack!
    My baby's been caught smoking crack!
    I do hope her craving
    Will stop her from shaving
    The fur off our guinea pig's back.
    I've been lost for a rather long time
    Got stuck in the sunniest clime
    It might sound inviting
    But not when you're fighting
    for rhyme so sublime it will chime.
    Tomorrow, I think I'll go fishing
    My Wife wont even know that I'm missing
    I'll take stacks of beer
    To the end of the pier
    And over the end I'll be pissing oblig.
    Of first lines, I'm heartily sick (six out of the last nine, including this one)
    They really do get on my wick
    So next time I'll wait
    till I see the bait (pen) Isn't that rather difficult for the fair sex?
    Then in my 10p's worth I'll stick!
    [Rosie: a propos your comment to pen: my family and I (including my wife's mother) were out for a walk in the New Forest some while ago. Half way through the walk, my mother-in-law had to heed the call of nature and took herself off the path. My younger son, Sam, noticed her absence. "Where's Grandma Alice gone?", he asked. "She's gone to do a wee-wee", my wife told him. He absorbed this information and we moved on. After a few moments, he tugged at my sleeve. I leaned down and he whispered urgently into my ear: "how's she going to hit the tree?".
    It seems I just can't stop this racket
    Next time I may add one more bracket ;-)
    and layers of felt (Kim) He knows too much. :-)
    Pulled from my belt
    And pockets I tore from your jacket a bit weak, but it seems nobody wanted to end this one...
    I double-post here to spare Kim
    For too many first lines is grim
    But third line is easy
    By the fourth, I am queasy
    Now we're done, so back over to him
    If you think this is me - well it's not
    But quite who it is, I forgot
    It certainly aint me
    And I am not he
    So let's explore who we are - in the cot.
    Three hundred grams of hard cheese
    Lovingly applied to the knees
    Will server to save
    A maid or a knave
    From vicious attacks of large bees
    While applying a nice coat of lacquer
    My wrist just gets limper and slacker
    But, once it dries off
    I stiffen and cough
    Up that lump of slimy chew-bacca
    A frivolous lass from Manchester
    Would go out wearing just a sou'wester
    She said "I'm not cold, *open quote alert*
    and I'm told I'm quite bold, *continues*
    by the visiting fans up from Leicester."
    I won't do it! No! You can't make me!!
    I will not go into that teepee
    I'll stay in my yurt
    , my loins primly girt
    I simply will not let you take me!
    A Rabbi, a Priest, and a goat
    Sought out the Conservative vote
    For each was a Tory
    A right fairy story
    Politically, they've missed the boat.
    The Cup has come back to North London
    It's fashioned from polycarbundun - that means 'crappy old plastic'
    It leaks like a sieve
    But, as long as I live,
    I'll boast that at least we have won one
    To Bombay, a travelling circus Sorry... ;-)
    Made think us, say! what if we lurk us?
    So we hid in the corner
    Right behind the sauna
    So no one or nothing could irk us! :)!
    There was a young lass from Old Sarum
    Who found herself in a sheik's harem
    Though worried at first,
    She rallied and cursed: *open quotes implied*
    "They don't know I'm a boy! That'll scare 'em!"
    [R,i,J,I,B] Heheheheh!
    It's not a good morning for all
    Who stayed up too late at the ball
    For wine has effects
    On some types of sex
    Male or female, this mess will appal
    I met a harpoonist from Munich
    Who was seeing a Swiss gnome from Zurich
    He whimpered and whaled
    Then simpered and sailed Open alert...
    Away in his shocking pink tunic
    Bangaladesh have collapsed
    [UK] What sort of Line 1 is that?
    For their use of good grammar has lapsed
    Can we speak Bengali? I think that's their language.
    The metre and length are there, and it's a reference to the first day's play in the first test match.
    [UK] sorry, I did rather pounce on you. Just a build up of mild frustration that after some wonderful free-flowing limericks over the last couple of months, this game seems to have become clogged up by clever-arse rhyming challenges. Spelling it out: Bangladesh has only two 'a's' so you've inserted an extra syllable; using a proper singular noun, the line should read 'has collapsed'; how many rhymes are there for a word ending in '-lapsed' apart from other words ending in, er ... '-lapsed'?; finally, test match eh? whoopee-dee
    Curses! Let down by my spelling! Oh bugger it.
    Move along now, nothing to see Giving up the previous one for dead
    Except for the glory of me
    clad only in pants (Chalky) Uncle K's spelling mistake improved the scansion no end, whether by accident or design. I'd like to think the latter. Am I right, UK?
    As I gyrate and dance Northern pronunciation invoked. (Rosie) Of course! Ahem... Well, as I said above, I felt the scansion was fine, and I defend my use of 'Bangladesh' as a plural noun to refer to a team of individuals!
    A fine jig called 'The Maid of Tralee' [UK defence] quite right too! Now what about the '-lapsed' rhyme potential? teehee :-)
    They say that obsession with cricket
    Makes you throw a ball and not kick it
    Start yelling "Howzat!"
    And "Look at my bat!"
    And "Read the new Lemony Snicket." For a slightly spooky experience, try Googling "The maid of Tralee" (with the quote marks).
    A golfer with only one club [Irouléguy] Try clicking on the "repeat the search with the omitted results included" for a heavy dose of repetition.
    Will oft find his ball in a shrub
    This provides explanation
    of tight-lipped vexation
    Venting frustration o'er his flub
    Don't ever play poker with Mice!
    And don't let the cats near the dice!
    Don't play a smidgen
    Of chess with a pigeon
    or brag with a goat. That's vice.
    Avoid playing boule with a sloth
    And don't trust a Romulan's oath
    When he bellows, "Oh, blast!"
    Get out of there fast!
    Or else it's the end for you both.
    There once was a fair maid from Skye
    Who would bathe in a tub full of lye
    She'd scrub with wire wool
    (The naïve young fool)
    those parts in which men like to lie.
    The difference between you and me
    Is obvious. What? Can't you see?
    Just look down here
    There's nothing to fear
    I've filled up my basement with brie
    I never eat lobster or crab
    On the whole, I prefer food quite drab
    Don't mention a taco
    Tex-Mex gets me wacko
    Yes, bread rolls (I say) are just fab.
    A potter from Guadalajara
    Was enamoured of Maureen O'Hara
    So he threw a pot
    In the shape of her bot
    For use in films that don't star 'er.
    There once was a lonely young Tsar [oh you brits and your adorable vowels]
    Who searched for a bride wide and far
    In the Urals and Steppes
    He found some sales reps [Software] "Steppes" is a bloody hard rhyme.
    Who were wider than his Bentley car
    While charging my printer with ink
    I said to my spouse with a wink
    "How 'bout a quickie?"
    it'll be nice "n" sticky
    My inkjet is hard, stiff and pink." (yes, coat)
    Whilst scanning the paper for news
    as distinct from political views
    I chanced on a story
    Both funny and gory
    Of pool players impaled on cues
    So, pot all the reds and screw back
    And try to get onto the black [obvious rhyme]
    Then chalk your tip
    And prepare to let rip
    Damn it! Just can't get the knack!
    Eheu Alack and Alas!
    + ,
    Actually, let me take another run up at that, for a better rhyme...
    Eheu, alas and alack!
    A lass is, alas, what I lack
    So I'll look for a lad
    Can it be that bad?
    if I don't mind what goes up my back? Ahem
    [Rosie] Considering the available rhymes, I think you showed admirable restraint there!
    Believe me, it's going to snow.
    This is Antarctica, that's how I know
    The penguins are huddled
    But my mind is muddled
    Watch out! It's just ready to blow
    Uhu, alas and alack
    , is the glue-sniffer's version of crack (Projoy) :-) I am capable of such. I thought it was about rude enough.
    It sticks things together
    Be they wood, steel or leather
    Why doesn't it stick to the pack?
    Uhuru, alas and alek!
    That momma ain't got no respec'
    She got soft-boiled heggs
    And dem unshaven legs
    And wrinkles all over her neck
    Why, George, that's the best of the year!
    Took an age, but worth waiting, my dear!
    The thing I most like
    Is an interest rate hike
    And a drop in the price of my beer
    My alias, Alec O'Hara
    Wears orange and ocre mascara
    His glitter-gel pen
    Gives a rash, now and then
    But makes him look like Che Guevara
    Establish your characters first
    The hero's dashing, the villian's the worst
    The love interest's next
    With scenes of hot sex
    And the heroine's bodice all burst
    Now send it straight to Mills and Boon
    (whose office with virgins is strewn)
    Their readers adore
    Affairs by the score
    And sex by the light of the moon.
    Prepare for a minuscule death
    Don't even take a last breath
    Your quietus make
    as your life we Snopake
    'Tis come-uppance for stalking Gwyneth
    Salubrious parts of the town
    Are located quite a way down
    The old Royal Mile
    So go there with style
    With cigars, and dressed like a clown
    The pedantic ethnologist screamed
    For language was not as it seemed
    Since Phoenician vowels
    Would sound from the bowels
    And consonants emerge therefrom, steamed
    A disgusting limerick, to be sure
    Should be full of the stench of manure
    And filled up with sick
    jokes about Jackson's dick
    To dirty the minds of the pure
    Hypnosis with strawberry jam
    Can be undone with shortcake and ham
    Waved before one's left eye
    With a slice of Jewish rye
    And really not giving a damn!
    A cell that is eukaryotic
    That's steeped in substances narcotic
    Has a nucleotide
    Thats prone to divide
    To produce an antibiotic
    Prions in brains of mad bovinesc
    And the rancid remains of dead ovines (fifth line rhyme gauntlet laid down)
    If you think this is bad
    Then you must be mad
    And should be held in well-kept confines
    Yipsody yapsody yok
    Wha-a-a-a-?
    Whaaaaaat?
    The mouse ran up the clock Attempting a benign recovery. Must be going soft.
    The clock struck eleven
    The mouse went to heaven
    Yipsody yapsody yok It was the logical choice
    A cursory glance would suggest
    That this game has matured past its best
    Or perhaps that's just us
    'cos we do make a fuss
    C'mon all, it's all just in jest
    A limerick's no laughing matter
    It's more than mundane idle chatter
    It must be seriously taken
    And leaves some of us shaken My apologies.
    But time your illusions will shatter
    To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
    'Keep it simple' my tutor advised
    Complexity's to be despised
    The more succinct the better
    Good metre's no fetter
    To keeping your list'ner surprised
    My poofreader wrote I was wong,
    So I sent my first draught to Hong Kong
    And lo and behold
    The noodles were cold
    As was ym Eggy Foo Yong
    I've now installed an extractor . . . . getting into home dentistry
    A turbine and nuclear reactor
    But my house is still cold!
    Fission's best, I was told
    But forgot thermostats in to factor
    A centipede learned how to dance
    A fifty-leg pirouette prance
    But it just cannot jive
    With my big brother Clive
    As fast as these forty-odd ants
    Talking of centipedes, how about adding extra feet? (one per line)
    The earliest type of the Irish commode
    Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
    My grandfather used one for racing {is that right?]
    While virgins so chaste he was chasing{did he use a toad or a commode, and was he chaste?}
    But had to take care or the pot overflowed.
    Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
    The earliest type of the Irish commode
    Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
    Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
    And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
    When my parachute did not quite open
    I plummeted down and kept hopin'
    The ground would be soft
    Where I stopped being aloft
    And for seconds it helped me with copin' [Raak] Isn't that more of a cleripede?
    [Projoy] Except a "cleripede" would be impossible, because you can't add feet to a poem with no metre, can you?
    The good folk of Minsk, Belarus
    Recently offered a truce (but to whom, to whom...?)
    To the men of Ukraine
    Who said, "What? Again?"
    "No! We think this is merely a ruse"
    [Darren] I was more referring to the way it used AABB rhyming structure instead of the ABCB of the glow worm. I perhaps meant "imposing feet upon the Clerihew".
    'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
    Who caused the Belgrano to sink
    As he pulled out his plug
    And it started to glug
    He said "It's gone down in the drink."
    The Reverend Spooner, 'tis said
    Beamed when his queer dean was wed
    but not to Friar Tuck
    Who he called "fat duck"
    As he crushed their newly laid bed (matrimoni is not a sin!)
    He said: "I have sailed seven seas,"
    "In search of the perfect green cheese"
    But alas and alack
    Ive found blue, I've found black
    But none in the hue of green peas
    Tonight there's been lightning and thunder (Chalky) How did Edmond Clerihew Bentley cause the Belgrano to sink. I think we should be told.
    And a'tearing my garments asunder
    The humidity's high
    From my neck to my thigh
    And it's too hot to eat -- I'd just chunder!
    "Abracadabra !" said the wizard
    Dropping into his potion, a lizard
    And a piece of a frog
    Two fried balls of a hog
    And from his own pet warthog, the gizzard. Brothers and sisters, let us all puke.
    Quoth the hoary old priest, "Let us pray"
    "That the rain won't stop tennis this day"
    "It's God's favoured game"
    So take the Lord's name
    So that He can keep showers away"
    "I'm back!", cried the happy young man
    I survived the war in Iran
    But President Bush
    Kicked us all in the tush
    In the way that only he can.
    Resign if you must - I don't care!
    You can sue me in court -if you dare!
    But you must not try
    To poke me in the eye
    Or all of your sins I'll lay bare.
    I find, when I travel in vans
    That there's not enough room for my fans
    My groupies and flunkeys
    And trained helper-monkeys
    Are forced to stay over at Gran's
    Gran's last guests were Hansel and Gretel
    While Grandad's were Debbie and Petal
    While I entertained
    With arts unexplained (who's slash?)
    Bands: rock, punk, heavy metal.
    So what's Shangri-La when at home?
    It's to lie in a bathtub in foam
    And feast on the feeling
    Of pruning and peeling
    And arouse yourself with a comb.
    While trekking in Lhasa, Tibet
    I met a piano quintet
    The head lama played Liszt
    Another was pissed
    I'm taking one home as a pet
    I noticed my armpits got sweaty
    whenever I thought of my Betty
    My hyperhydrosis
    Backs up the prognosis
    That I need to cool off on the jetty.
    Last night as she entered her bed,
    My sweat glands started to shed
    Big globules of puss
    Puss?! As in cat? Priceless. Carry on chaps ...
    Ah med a reet fuss attempting a rescue.....
    'Bout disgusting lim'ricks - 'nuff said
    O to be a perfect type - ist
    And to be a flawless rhymist (the scansion, on the other hand...)
    That's a dream we all have, (Then tonite I’d want to get pissed!)
    As we sit on the lav There's only one direction this 'limerick' is going, and that's daaaahhhnnnn
    After riches (still top of the list)
    Let's all get in tune with the nation
    And channel our exasperation
    To make a wrong right
    We'll work through the night did think of "We'll kick the shite" but thought it might not pass the PC test.
    In a fever of pheromonation. There's a PC test?
    When you want to re-boot your PC
    Make sure the keyboard's not greasy
    Press "Ctrl-Alt-Del" pronounced "delete", not "del"
    And all will be well
    Let's try (It's a bit of a cheat) instead. [Raak] Do pay attention... ;-)
    So long as you press the right key, see? / So long as you press the right key, see?
    .. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
    A young chap from Horncastle, Lincs
    went once to see the Sphinx
    He loved his dear camel
    Whom he named after Pamel-
    a Anderson. Why? 'cause she stinks.
    A mad bomber from -- no, too soon for that I think.

    On a stroll in the gardens of Kew [Chalky] Well, I know now, I didn't see the middle two words.

    I discovered a cure for the 'flu
    Once I'd eaten the herb
    the bugs to disturb
    And it cured too my coeliac sprue
    "Play 'Misty' for me!", bellowed Wendy.
    To her new man - a Turkish effendi
    He played not a note
    Nor strummed his sarod
    Or blew on his brass horn so bendy.
    I know I've been gone for a while
    And left in a worrying style
    But I've now done my time
    And constructed a rhyme
    To puzzle, bemuse and beguile:

    My first letter looks like a tent
    My second's a coin oft spent
    Then ditto for three
    The fourth's a trainee
    And my last is the vowel in Lent

    [Chalks]*hasn't seen a doctor in months* (dammit, because some of them are actually quite good-looking)
    In a fairy tale that I once heard
    McDonalds serve fresh lemon curd
    Causing Little Miss Muffet
    To 'Go Large' on her tuffet Oblig.
    Until her-locution is slurred
    I stood in the nude and yelled "Stalin!"
    It didn't go down too well in Tallinn
    The Estonians booed
    The Lithuanians sued
    Made a great document'ry for Palin Is assonance allowed...?
    On this notable day for the French
    They set fire to a large garden bench
    It's forty foot high
    The flames reached to the sky
    But the smoke and the soot please don't mench'. (Bothere) Eh? I thought it was "Pay-lin".
    [Rosie] That's why I asked about assonance. In the word's of Rita, "Getting the rhyme wrong..."
    A lim'rick with dubious rhymes
    Is barely worth nickels and dimes I don't want this to develop into a punch-up but shurely "assonance" means getting the rhyme right. Did you mean "dissonance", as Google might patronisingly ask.
    It doesn't make cents My dictionary gives 'assonance' as 'partial correspondence; rough similarity', so Botherer is right about that, even if he doesn't know how to use apostrophes. *evil grin*
    [Irouléguy] Doh! It's a fair cop!
    And it's camp as pink tents
    Much in line with The Financial Times.
    I'm rowing the rivers for fun
    While attempting a painting in oils (Irouléguy) I'm not going to give this up. :-) My Concise Oxford Dictionary (1964) says of assonance that the vowels must be the same but not necessarily the consonants, this being the partial correspondence you mention. Since it's vowels we're talking about I claim victory, virtue and points, and what do points mean? Derailments.
    Oh, shit! Projoy, how dare you!
    My subject declares
    in four spades, no less . . . going with the flow
    "I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"
    A verse lacking reason or rhyme
    Can be seen around here all the time
    Just don't get involved [Rosie, IRG et al] Beyond the point of caring :-P
    Things are easily solved
    Just call it a victimless crime. (Raak) :-)
    I once met a man from Morocco
    where they don't get the scorching scirocco Meteorological correctness is all.
    Just a pleasant mistral
    Which slams doors in the hall yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme perfectly, but the picture in my head is nice :o)
    And winds up the chaps on our block oh

    What a pleasure it is to be given such challenging rhyming opportunities. And to get two such challenges in the one limerick! Appropos of everything - this may be of some interest to enthusiastic limerickators :-)

    To know when to keep ones mouth shut
    'Cos one's poesy don't make the cut
    A male attribute? raising the controversy level...
    No, that I'd refute (Chalky) I had thought of adding " . . and God help the fifth-liner" in the last limerick.
    The very idea,indeed, tut tut
    It is said that the pharaoh, King Tut
    Had a frantic aversion to fruit
    The mere thought of a plum
    Left him forlorn and glum
    And with bad indigestion to boot!
    The storms of the wild Southern Ocean
    Make a very unsettling commotion
    Whose effect on landlubbers
    Dustmen, nurses and clubbers
    Evokes tormentuous emotion
    O, list to these omens portentuous
    Yon Cassius' a Roman contemptuous
    But he has feet of Clay
    So send him away!
    And let's bring in Marcus Antonius
    While making his last bid for glory
    Michael Howard, the wily old Tory
    stripped anked and swam apologies to anyone eating their lunch
    Asking, "What's 'anked', kind Ma'am?"
    And displaying his assets, quite hoary.
    The weekend is finally here I couldn't decide whether Irouléguy had got the letters in the wrong order or simply left one out.
    Lawks m'm, it's the police
    I'll be loafing and vegging, right here [PM] we have nothing to hide but our genius ;o)
    Opening a bottle blushes deeply
    muttleee] It's the first one - a venial sin, not a mortal one.
    And binging, full throttle
    On the whisky and beer I've got here.
    While reading some tales Canterbury
    Of widows and others quite merry
    I marvelled at Chaucer's
    linguistic enforcers
    But thought the sex unnecessary. well .. someone had to finish it :-)
    [Chalks] Bravo!
    In my dreams, I'm a dustbin man's moll
    He whispers his love, "Aw'ight, doll?"
    "I'd like ta talk dirty"
    "'mong the garbage get flirty"
    I came top in the Binman's Moll Poll
    pen hates it when subordinates sulk
    So she buys pink highlighters in bulk
    She then hands them all out
    Before they all pout
    Or make stupid faces, or skulk. [RSnap] I think the pink pens caused the sulking ...
    The best time of year to grow leeks
    Are the three intermediate weeks What I want to know is, how did it realise I had spent so long thinking of a first line that Darren beat me to it and point it out?
    When Winter's well-spent
    and the first days of Lent I proof read with pink pen. I don't let anyone else use it, and I certainly don't hand them out!
    By calendars of Orthodox Greeks
    "The reason is clear" he explained
    "When the grime and the grease are ingrained unfini...
    In the prints on your fingers, Still unfin...
    and foul odour lingers
    It's time for your bath to be drained."
    He continued, "I think you will find
    "That a dirty bath cleanses the mind,"
    And, proving his point,
    He swivelled his joint
    and mounted the duck from behind.
    I've heard mud packs are great for complexion
    Along with a Botox® injection
    To the front of the brain
    Straight into a vein
    To give you that facial erection
    To poke fun at a pig in a poke
    One needs an insensitive bloke
    Who lunches on cats
    And wears bright purple spats
    Such as the men one finds in Stoke
    Your claims have no basis in fact
    Men of Stoke have oodles of tact
    And manners to spare
    So if you are there
    You'll see that their brains are intact
    Unfortunately, they are insane
    So is my scansion. Let's try again.
    Unfortunately, they're insane
    Or so say the folks from Brisbane
    But how would they know?
    Since they so seldom go
    Anywhere Northwest of Ukraine
    There was a young fellow called Keith
    Who sported elongated teeth
    He would prey in the night
    For morsels to bite
    And thusly his curse would bequeath
    There was a young feller called Ernie
    Who appeared in E.R. - on a gurney
    He hadn't a line
    But just let out a whine
    As he acted the end of life's journey No flowers please. Sniffle.
    When you become overly tired [continuing from "thusly" above]
    You may appear badly attired
    With two mismatched socks
    And your sisters best frocks
    (insert apostrophe wherever desired)
    and those black shiny stockings you hired.
    The sandman is coming, my dear
    Night drapes our celestial sphere
    If you shut your eyes tight
    And wish hard, you just might
    In the morning, with luck, still be here
    Are those French fries called French by the French?
    Ask that lady of wisdom, Dame Dench
    No, the French call then Frites
    Because of their heat
    And apply them to feet - cures the stench
    I drift in a boat on the ocean
    I drift in a boat on the ocean
    And rub, on my skin, suntan lotion
    My feet get Huile d'Frites [see above]
    As the French say, tout de suite,
    But my vomiting's due to the motion.
    And now let us celebrate summer
    Tho' the weather's a bit of a bummer
    We'll just be beach bums
    Each downing neat rums
    Before driving off in our Hummer
    If you want to impress an old flame
    Invite her to go on the game
    For cricket she'll love
    With bat, balls and glove
    But removing the stumps was a pain
    My favourite firework of all
    Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
    The touchpaper lit
    It then scares the shit
    out of children who stand under it
    In the beautiful waters so clear
    Fixing Starsky's F*uck-up

    Darren - My favourite firework of all
    Robin - Is this rocket that stands six foot tall
    Botherer - The touchpaper lit
    Rosie - It then scares the shit
    Software - Out of us as sparks from it fall

    Starsky - In the beautiful waters so clear

    Swam two little creatures quite queer
    Their antics and games
    Went up in flames
    Burning offshore oilrigs being near.
    The weekend's upon us at last!
    I'm sure we'll all have a blast!
    That's dangerous talk!
    Said Mindy to Mork
    "You're likely to get us both glassed"
    An odd-looking bird is the stork
    But tasty with onions and pork
    It delivers babies
    And can't transmit rabies
    But its voice is much better than Bjork
    A chicken which once crossed the road
    Fell in love with a natterjack toad
    It stopped for a chat
    Result, they begat
    A fowl in amphibian mode
    A chicken that's born with frog's legs
    Results from the scrambling of eggs
    When cloning goes wrong
    You'll find it's not long
    Before the gene pool is nothing but dregs
    A tune in the Dorian mode
    Sung by a natterjack toad
    Is likely to cause
    loud, ringing applause
    From the bloke in the pub 'cross the road.
    Unlike froggies, most toads are all warty
    Green, slimy and not very sporty
    They don't like to joke
    Or eat artichoke
    Or do anything cheeky or naughty
    By golly that just takes the biscuit!
    Ten quid for some gristly old brisket
    That's just taking the piss
    My arse you can kiss
    The feeling is nice if you risk it
    hmmm... didn't like that much, but oh well.
    When will my tomatoes be ripe?
    They go so well with custard and tripe
    Just place in the sun
    You'll know when they're done
    If you are a greenhousey type.
    Tomatoes make such great bruschetta
    With a glass of Peroni® much better
    Add some antipasta
    And Laetitia Casta [Simply scrumpotious!]
    Then gently bend over toiletta
    So swiftly he mounted his horse
    That he fell off into the gorse
    I said, "That'll learn 'im"
    As he fractured his sternum
    Maybe now he'll agree to divorce. - pen - very funny ending to the biscuit one I thought!
    When your plant starts to wither and die
    You should let them pickle in lye
    And then let them whiten
    The more so to frighten
    The Dark Gothic Masters of Rye [that was rubbish - I know - but no worse than going from a singular plant into the plural - gosh, I'm in bullish mode tonight]
    It's widely assumed that pigs sweat (Chalky) Yes, you are, aren't you. What's the weather like down there in Spiral City? :-)
    But just to be safe, ask the vet
    He'll tell you, I'm sure,
    That your pig is impure
    If he don't use deodorant yet
    It is widely assumed that moles sing [R,J,D,D,p - nice]
    A selection from Wagner's Ring
    The part of Brunnhilde
    (Portrayed as a builder)
    Is a concession to feminist bling.
    It is said that owls they are wise
    As to why I can only surmise
    Since they can't do sudoku
    just like that bloke who (Wymo) Their wisdom is in doing something more interesting, such as perching.
    Can't also so he never tries
    "Pudenda"'s a funny old word
    I'd use it if I were a bird
    As a bloke I'm more blunt careful.....
    With a wink and a grunt "careful" he says... *rolls eyes*
    Use another I'm sure you have heard.
    A walk by the Nile is just grand (Rosie) Indeed.
    As I stroll with my love, hand in hand
    The crocodiles yawn
    They'd like some soft porn
    So they sit back an watch my grand stand. moving swiftly on...
    When crocodiles bask by the river
    Make sure that you cover your liver
    In onions and gravy
    And call out the Navy
    'Cos they're all sure to want a thin sliver
    Relax and lie back in this chair
    Said the dentist, a man without care
    This may not be nice
    But you take my advice
    Be thankful I don't drill down there
    [Darren] well done - I was havering with You've got to brush more than your hair! but was thinking it was rather boringly unsubversive...
    You've got to brush more than your hair Waste not...
    Your teeth, for example, and where Unfinished sentence...
    The sun doesn't shine
    At the base of your spine
    Then plait it and look debonair
    Just sit down carefully afterwards, is my advice.
    When digging up bodies at night
    You may meet with a ghostie or sprite
    They may glow in the dark
    And pinch bums for a lark
    And somtimes they'll give you a fright
    When playing a scale on the drums
    You get to a point when there comes (Pr) 'n' I fought you was musical
    A high "C" that sounds
    [Rosie] They could be timpani :P
    Outside of the bounds
    Of regular drum tum-ti-tums
    You coward, come 'ere and say that!
    My first-born is not- not a gay brat!,
    Though often he's stroppy
    His wrist is not floppy
    And supports Millwall, the daft twat. (Projoy) Could be! Nudge, nudge.
    Prepare for the pancake of death
    Made from chocolate, beef lard, and meth
    It's highly emetic
    And quite anaaethetic
    And doesn't do much for your breath
    Now prepare for the pizza of life
    Topped with joy and a sprinkling of strife
    Try not to be cheesey
    Life should be easy-peasy
    Consumed in slices with a fork and a knife(using the scansion license #312)
    Our license to life may expire
    If we find ourselves playing with fire (see CdM's recent hyperlink over at MCiOS by way of demonstration)
    For an arsonist's woes
    And inadequate prose
    May arouse a literary ire.
    There once was a man from New Delhi
    Whose favorite dish was Cow Jelly
    But to eat sacred cow
    's Something none will allow
    not e'en in the trendiest deli.
    A scunner, call'd Cambell by name
    Tried to set the McDonnalds aflame
    But he'd run out of matches Is this double mis-spelling deliberate, I ask myself.
    And the terrible catch is
    Big Mac Meals, not soup, enjoy fame. [Rosie] Probably to avoid being sued
    Prince Phillip was once heard to grumble
    When he tripped on a corgi and tumbled
    "Those bloody Chinese"
    "And their damn' bonsai trees"
    Why can't they be ever so 'umble?
    Please place all your goods in my hands
    Especially the fashionable brands
    I'm referring, of course,
    To my job as clothes horse
    And this gun will back up my demands
    Splendiferous, Fabulous, Great!
    It's the best thing that ever I ate!
    Can I have another?
    If it's not too much bother
    And this time, please leave me the plate (scuse rudeness, it just arrived in my head)
    An old man on the bus starts to ramble
    All the passengers begin to scramble
    Chaos ensued
    When his rambling turned lewd
    (He's a friend of 'McDonnald' and 'Cambell') please see above!
    Now let us all praise leafy Surrey Do your bloody worst, then :-)
    Where they make the most wonderful curry
    And Woking so gray
    And Esher so gay
    And Bagshot all covered in slurry.
    I met a young gunner named Lunz
    Who wanted to go to bed soon'st
    His grand stra-te-gy
    To lie down before three
    Was scuppered by Field Marshall Gunz
    sorry - it just popped out fully-formed
    Please don't try to spoil my grand plan
    By beating my head with your fan
    For what I've conceived
    Has got me quite peeved
    And I must work as fast as I can
    [Chalky] ...as the bishop said to the actress.
    An ant in Antananarivo
    (A member, perhaps of the species noted at jodkowski.pl/we/Reuters003.html)
    Speaking Spanish, said loudly, “¡Yo vivo!
    Just then a grasshopper
    In coat, tails and topper Madagascar is a centre of haute couture, I'll have you know.
    Leapt in and gave him the heave-ho
    got that one out of the way, at least
    Procure me tobacco, my love
    And fetch me my slippers, my dove
    And do wag your tail
    As I sip my cold ale
    And later I'll take you above
    There was a young lad from Calcutta
    Who liked to hit balls with his putter
    Men far and wide
    With more hurt than their pride
    Regretted their brush with this nutter.
    Were we to proceed in this matter
    With pointless, banal, inane chatter
    Then boredom were certain
    'Twould e'en vex Paul Merton
    Who'd say we're as mad as a hatter
    Whilst trying to make non-lumpy gravy
    [A trick I had learned in the navy]
    I added some salt
    And some whisky (fine malt)
    The swell sent the sailors all wavy
    It seems that bad light has stopped play
    And that sky looks awfully grey
    For when we play darts
    In these northern parts
    We only play on a bright day
    I wouldn't think that was my car
    Without fuel it shouldn't go far
    So I'll panic-buy
    And my tank won't be dry
    I'll be the UK's Petrol Tzar.
    The Guardian seems to have shrunk in size
    It's not so good for swatting those flies
    But the crossword's the same
    (my attempts just as lame)
    I just wish they'd show more bare thighs
    A pension is something you need
    A truism few young folk heed (Darren) Try the Torygraph, which is trying desperately to hold on to the retired-colonel-in-Hampshire readership.
    If you save all your life
    and insure your dear wife
    You may profit from a dastardly deed.
    There was a young lady called Hilda
    Who sought fame as a great body builder
    The size of her pecs
    Made her friends nervous wrecks
    But her six-pack did mostly bewilder.
    All Telegraph readers say this:
    It's the Home Service I really miss
    And you can take ITV
    Dump it into the sea
    And sink it into the abyss
    You can say this about Arnold Palmer
    Than many old golfers, he's calmer.
    Though he's strong as an ox
    And he wears mismatched socks
    And never been on Panorama. Be grateful for small mercies.
    On Sunday my brother was wed [I got to give a toast!]
    Then brought his young bride straight to bed,
    On Monday he staggered
    To his Mistress, the blackguard
    A cosy affair, 'nuff said
    While trying to sort out the plumbing Last one - V. good!
    I heard Super Mario humming
    So I blew down the pipe
    A loud fart very ripe
    So in revenge he's taken up drumming - it's the only thing I could think of that isn't filthy
    Way back in the reign of King John
    Whose follies we now dwell upon
    The barons revolted
    The serfs they all bolted
    And Runnymede staged 'Magna-thon'
    While re-writing the old magna Carta
    I was attacked by a catholic martyr
    Who rose from the grave ...presumably...
    And made me a slave
    Of the hon'rable Knights of the Garter
    While cooking a great fat pork chop
    I spied a large maggot on top
    But as they're nutricious
    It was not that malicious
    To serve up the meal to my pop
    Ben Johnson's a bit of a cheat Nothing if not topical eh? :-) Today is the 17th anniversary of his 100m gold in Seoul though.
    He took drugs to speed up his feet
    But to speed up your brain
    Like La Moss, try cocaine
    Line up for a cracking good treat!
    Let me clean 'twixt your toes, mother dear
    Lest the itching becomes very bad, as I fear oh yuk
    Your joints are too stiff [Pen] Was the 'yuk' for the concept or the scansion? ;-)
    and I can't stand the whiff
    Of your feet when I venture too near.
    Unleash all those inner desires!
    By admitting you love Richard Briers
    And Penelope Keith
    And the voice of Lord Reith - Oddly enough, I'll be seeing Richard Briers and Penelope Keith soon.
    And the odour of burnt rubber tyres. Rather sensuous. OK, I'm mad.
    I once met an ogre so vast
    That I thought I had breathèd my last
    With a 'Fee fi fo fum'
    As he spat out his gum
    He advised me to run away fast
    So I did, and I'm here - he's outside
    I think he wants me for his bride
    But when he gets close
    I'll give him a dose
    Care of Doc Jekkyl and old Mister Hyde
    Relax now - this won't hurt a bit
    Bend over, expose your left tit, ...at the dentist's or shooting porno-movies?
    [Marc] I see you managed to sniff out an opportunity to lower the tone - behave yourself!
    For we are freemasons
    Hereditas jacens
    Bend over, remove all your kit In the Masonic sense of course...
    In time, you will come to discover
    The call of the Little Ringed Plover - oft described as a 'loud pee-oo, uttered on rising'
    It starts with a shout
    Of a "pee", short and stout
    then an "oo" like the sigh of a lover
    Is there anything left in the sky?
    Which would fit in my gravy-rich pie? hungry again...
    A lark or a dove?
    Or a cloud high above?
    Or a piggy with wings that can fly?
    With catkins surrounding my face
    Like high quality Nottingham lace the taught me that at school
    I danced round the tree
    widdershins,naturally
    And then clockwise too, just in case
    Strange news, ma'am, has come from abroad
    Your husband has swallowed his sword
    And not only that
    He chewed up his spat
    But has changed his socks, thank the Lord.
    Golly gosh, goodness me, bless my soul!
    My laptop is running on coal!
    It likes nutty slack
    And cocaine, beer and crack
    Is there something I haven't been told?
    And now that we're into October
    From now until June we'll be sober
    We'll drink only water
    Just as we oughta
    Or else one may try to disrobe'er ...do not know if that is appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
    "Winter draws on", my gran used to say
    And the snowdrifts will be there till May
    But come rain or shine
    I know you'll be mine naww...
    Come spring we will all want a lay. ...don't know if that's appropriate or not for a Gentleman...
    There once was a maiden who said:
    "I like to be taken to bed"
    'Cos I've got some lurgi
    I caught it off Fergie
    Who taught me how lurgi's are fed.
    In Fall, when the leaves have turned gold ...brother Marc, my kine send their regards ;)
    And the Autumn evenings get cold
    Now the eggnogs we mix, ...Thx Gregor, and all the best to your flock!
    For the fire gather sticks
    And we shall sing Christmas hymns of old
    There once was a masterful baker
    Who married a pretty young Quaker
    Of course they stayed Friends . . . disdaining any reference to oats . . .
    With no reverends
    And had fun with his bulbous flour shaker.
    While mending a fence with some nails
    A milkmaid passed swinging two pails
    my cap I did doff
    her pants she pulled off ...just referring to what I saw...
    Now we're parents and living in Wales.
    A way of discouraging weeds
    Is reading them poems of Swedes
    Their perplexitee Yesterday's fence-mending led to nothing more than a mended fence, alas.
    From across the Nordzee
    May make them repent their misdeeds. 3rd and 5th is all right, isn't it?
    The third and the fifth is all right
    I said to my mistress one night ......... we have a list
    Her face flushed to red
    As we bounced out of bed Greg'r, can you post us a copy of that list?
    'Cos the fourth had been rather tight.
    Imagine a cube on a plane:
    is the picture clear in your brain?
    Intersect with a sphere
    A shape will appear (Projoy) 216 airline passengers?
    That'll look like a ball down a drain
    The Queen stood and waved to the crowd
    The smirked as she farted aloud
    s/the/then
    The regal emit
    A fart full of wit
    To touch cloth simply isn't allowed. (Darren) Most restrained.
    He promised the earth and the moon
    Then said it would arrive soon magic word..?
    And, lo, it appeared!
    Although it looked weird
    From behind, rather like a baboon.
    The barometer falls, like the rain
    Mercury goes down the drain
    So let's not go out
    Lest we go mad and shout
    And get hurtiness all in our brain
    *chuckles*
    A yellow canary named Tweety [Projoy] Lovely finish!
    As a veggie wasn't known to eat meaty (sorry)
    But Sylvester (the cat)
    Will have none of that
    He likes puddings or something quite sweetie
    Spend time in an oxygen tent
    Wear boots that are cast in cement
    Read that one in bold ...
    This new form of training
    Is physically draining
    My aerobic credits are spent!
    The EU's not sure about Turkey
    Its past seems decidedly murky
    Its Ottoman roots
    Are as rank as old boots
    Though its branches are looking quite perky
    There once was a lad in Istanbul
    [irach] Give us a chance! Can't you call it Constantinople just this once?
    (pen) Hear, hear. Doesn't scan, either.
    I suggest amending it to:
    There once was a lad in Stamboul
    Who went into town,'on the pull'
    oops
    It could not be said
    He was right in the head
    'Coz his technique was verging on cruel ... sorry - that was getting-rid-of-sad-limerick effort. Let's draw a line eh?
    Don't force me to drink too much punch
    I've not even had any lunch
    But when I have eaten
    Then I won't be beaten
    So get out my way you sad bunch No, really, yous are my besht pals ever.
    (Hic!) I really do love you, you know
    (stifled belch)At least 'til dawn tomorrow
    For it's only at night
    That I'm sweetness and light
    and a function-ing libi-do.
    Zippedy Doo Dah, Oh My!
    Who'd have guessed elephants could just fly?
    And toads sing The Messiah
    p****d as newts, in a choir
    It's all very nice, Walt, but why?
    And now let us praise margarine . . .lovely girl . . .
    With its buttery taste and nice sheen
    But it's stuffed full of E's
    So unlikely to please - [Darren] v good :-)
    Nutritionists, Cows or the Queen (who is eating it in the parlour with her bread and honey)
    Decorum et dulce it est
    Of my old school Latin, the best
    But quo vadis, pray?
    Vade in pace
    Sed non sequitur you'll be blessed.
    Elizabeth Violet Bott
    Was rather a fine polyglot
    Tho' she spoke with a lithp
    Her diction was crithp
    And for William she had a thoft thpot
    (Projoy) It was Violet Elizabeth Bott. (I've read the books). So I'm going to thtamp my foot and thkweam and thkweam until I'm thick.
    Violet Elizabeth Bott oblig
    Some Mums do 'ave 'em, what?
    A truculent child
    Not meek, still less mild [Rosie] Oops. So it was. I read most of 'em too in my youth so should have recalled that. I think I must have just mentally transposed the names for the sake of slightly neater scansion.
    Except after smoking some pot.
    So, let's "big it up" for the Swiss!
    And take the proverbial piss
    Their fraudulent bankers . . . careful . . .
    And Swiss naval tankers
    And cuckoo clocks all score a miss
    The Swiss Army Knife's greatest blade
    Pulls hooves from the stones in a glade
    And should you need slices
    As you may, in a crisis,
    It puts all its rivals int' shade
    Pink piggies are playing in pens
    On a piggery deep in the Fens
    They wallow in muck (Could I just mention that the cuckoo clock is in fact a Bavarian invention and not a Swiss one. It's a popular misconception that Mrs Kim (who is Swiss) has asked me to clear up.)
    But don't give a f**k appologies in advance ;-)
    Until Jamie Oliver attends.
    The knockings that come from my car
    Have a cause which is somewhat bizarre
    There's a mouse in the shaft
    Woodworm, fore and aft
    And the ghost of a dead Russian Tsar
    One day, spurred on by a bet
    I spent a whole day as a vet
    Castrations and Neut'ring
    Ligations and suturing
    Paid off my credit card debt
    If ever in need of some money very nice that last one
    Keep bees and sell epicure honey
    You'll feel more alive
    May your apiary thrive
    And your life always be sunny
    A stack of six waffles is here
    But at ten pounds apiece, they're quite dear.
    Perhaps they're organic
    Or alleviate panic
    Which I'd like, as I'm wracked with fear
    Darren's now got wafflophilia
    Armed wit fork and syrup he'll (-khilia) *[pronunciated]*
    But just say "Hang on!"
    "Don't bend that fork prong"
    "Stop waffling and just take this pill'ere"
    What an outrageous colour is puce
    It seems to be quite without use
    Apart from on bras
    (It looks awful on cars)
    A colour old Morris Marinas abuse
    The pleasure I get from a duck
    Fades to nought next to that from a buck
    But, as for a runt
    which gets killed by the hunt (Projoy, Botherer) Further details, please . . .
    It gets proned cross the hood of my truck [best way to bring the game home]
    I think I've forgotten to mention
    I suffer from hyper-tension
    [SW] can you nick one of the spare syllables from your previous entry and put it in the line above? That's twice today. I'm laughing, honest ! :-D
    'old hyper-tension'? Hmm. Whassat then?
    The blood in my veins
    Makes them stand out like canes
    And my prick's of outrageous dimension.
    Chalky doth laugh like a drain [Chalks] Glad to be able stimulate you tickle buds, especially on your 'tough day' (Orange). However, in my accent, the last entry scanned ok, the previous one, however, would have been better without the 'old', but it is a necessary qualifier for Marinas. They were old when they first appeared at the motor show.
    Her giggles she cannot restrain [Software] Done it again, I think. Needs something at the front to scan properly. How about "Yon"?
    My sides are just splitting (Rosie)Further details,please...
    She's had to stop knitting Hope that isn't libellous.
    whilst from laughing she tried to refrain
    The Welsh have the gift of the gab (Softers, Kim) Can't read your comments; something odd about the font because Chalky's and pen's comments in the previous limerick are quite clear despite being small. Is there a fix for this?
    And their accent is quite far from drab [Rosie] Have you tried increasing the text size in the browser?
    But their fondness for L's
    And wet, sheepy smells
    Means most now go into rehab.
    The software I have in my bum
    (er, not a reference to you, Softers)
    Tells me when I should empty my tum
    It frequently starts
    With preliminary farts [Pro] No offence taken :-)
    And some 'agricultural' hum oblig.
    Blue cakes dead ahead! 12 o' clock!
    They'll make me pop out of my frock
    But if they're not eaten
    They'll need some re-heatin'
    By stuffin' 'em into your sock
    The weekend approaches, get ready!
    Its coming is rousing and heady
    There's no time to lose!
    There's no time to snooze!
    Start drinking now, and go steady. Rather difficult rhyme, surprisingly. Much easier in Welsh; dozens of words. Probably in Italian too.
    I've Veni-ed, I've Vici-ed, I've Vidi-ed
    Precisely the things that were needed
    To beat up the Gauls
    And steal all their smalls
    For my loins were ungirt; they were needed
    Shit! I've just used the same word as line 2. Better do another one. Here goes:

    And make sure their gardens are weeded.

    'tis the hour of my discontent
    And I'm full of evil intent
    All round me beware
    I'm likely to bare
    What I shouldn't expose, as a gent
    I like the red highlight for the preview but the explanatory text says "..a preview which, in words, means..." - is there an "other" missing?
    Cry Havoc! (And let out the dog.)
    Thus read a Shakespearian blog
    To be? Undecided.
    Our winter: now chided.
    All grist for the new pedagogue.
    There was a young fellow called Danny That last one was a bit posh, eh?
    Who felt very keen on his granny
    His fetish for dentures
    Regaled his wild ventures
    But he drew the line at her fanny Coat...
    píu mosso, col legno, atacca
    e conflagrazione alpaca
    E per si muove
    Implorate Giove I don't think this is terribly good Italian grammar
    E venerare Signore Chewbacca
    The brightness of Venus is striking (Knobbly) Too right. It's from the Nicht gefingerpoken school of European languages.
    But slightly too brash for my liking
    The evening star
    That shines from afar oblig.
    Is an excellent guide when night-hiking
    Be honest, and tell me your thoughts
    Whether fully worked out or mere orts [orts: crumbs, scraps (Dictionary of obscure words)]
    For a trouble when shared
    Like a soul that is bared
    Is soft like a sofa from Courts
    nice :-)
    Just say what you think. Don't hold back
    Even if what you say gets a smack
    Yet, an eye for an eye
    Isn't something I'd try
    When the faux pas occurs in the sack
    The premise on which this is based
    Yields a sport, keenly fought and fast-paced
    Yes! it's Twister-by-email
    Designed for the female
    All dressed up in basques, tightly laced.
    "Are all muppets Jews?" she enquired
    "Or are they by Allah inspired?"
    "Are controlling hands Druid?"
    "With their movement so fluid" Oblig., more or less
    "Or just puppets sewn and wired?"
    The cause of my facial contusion
    Is a thin air and plate glass confusion
    The one is ethereal
    The other's material
    And my face, their media for fusion.
    A good dump of snow in the morning
    Is a reason to stay in bed yawning
    'Cos all the damn schools
    Will be closed; safety rules The little buggers might get COLD!
    Must all be obeyed. That's a warning.
    This comedy mask doesn't fit
    In places it pinches a bit
    And it's not really funny
    To look like a bunny
    Who's crouching and ready to... spit
    Open season on pantomime dames
    John Inman's been shot down in flames
    Dale Winton's in panic
    Frank Bruno's just ... manic
    But don't mess with Botham; he maims. . . . rather unfair to him, actually, but this has been hanging around for a few days now.
    This feels just the winter for cricket
    I think I'll be keeping the wicket
    But bowling on ice
    Is not very nice
    To penguins; take your ball and stick'et.
    There once was a svelte young brunette
    Who was smuggled aboard a corvette
    The boot was too small - what's a corvette?
    Though she curled in a ball - [Chalky] Er, it's a small ship, so unlikely to have a boot really, but we'll pretend we're talking about a Corvette Stingray shall we ? ;-)
    A position she called cul-à-tête
    My new sailing ship has a boot :-D
    I'm a Corsair so I'll fill it with loot while on the boat/car bifircation...
    An act of no Merit That's my rough little Corsa.
    Like slipping a ferret
    Down a gentleman's whistle-and-flute
    When a bear does his job in the wood
    (Proverbially, just as it should)
    The mice in the grass
    Start nibbling his arse
    With hindsight they'd've run if they could. [a bit dull sorry - anything to get things moving again ...]
    The cause of this sorry affair
    So foul that I do not dare
    To mention the fact
    I have nada for tact
    So I'll tell the whole world, I don't care
    I've managed, without interference,
    Ahem
    I've managed, without interference,
    To alter my husband's appearance
    He's now eight feet tall
    But has only one ball sorrysorrysorry
    And that needs a sixteen-inch clearance - oooh - what a monster I've created
    For those with testicular gigantism . . . there ought to be a few rhymes, and if not, well, bollocks.
    (Barring the mono or double schism) Mmmm, yes, that could work, subject to the scansion police
    It's wise, I suspect, throwing caution to the wind...
    To join the new sect
    Baptised by immersion in... (No, I can't bring myself to type it.)
    It takes just a moment to find [Raak] admirable restraint, sir,
    That an orange tastes better "sans rind";
    But if you chew the pips
    Take this wisest of tips Pompous, moi?
    - just don't take the pith: 'tis unkind.
    A river of buttons doth flow
    To a land where the cuffs dare not go - I smell realism here...
    Lest they cover my watch (Projoy) You're mad. :-)
    (An extravagant Swatch™)
    Where they've all come from, I don't know
    There was a young chap from Slovakia
    Whose verse, beside ours, was much tackia
    His scansion was iffy
    His rhyme scheme was whiffy
    Alas, uncorrected aphakia!
    A seagull is fond of a beer
    Until it succumbs to the fear
    That one day its liver (Jux) Just going to look that up.
    Will be cut as a sliver
    Of coal, when the long winter gets here.
    The nights are approaching their longest
    The werewolves are reaching their strongest
    The ghosts and the ghoulies
    And Syd Rumpo's moulies
    Play host to God, who is the wrong guest. - a bit clunking, sorry. That was a difficult one.
    My celibate friend - here's a tip:
    Use a lock to secure your fly zip
    This sec-urity
    I'm sure you'll agree
    Will keep you safe when you let rip
    If a zip-lock should fail to prevail (continuing the excellent advice...)
    We'll all find out if you're male
    But if you're a lass
    You should go to mass
    And cover your sins with a veil
    For celibacy, give three cheers!
    I'll not bonk for the rest of my years
    That's the end of my knockin'
    The bed will stop rockin'
    As the eve of my life swiftly nears
    While waiting for lights to turn green
    I've acquired a malaise in my spleen
    At red-amber I felt
    My testicles melt
    So please do not ask if I've "been"
    I've "been" and I'm now "feeling lighter" This is disgraceful stuff. Terrible.
    Yet my pants strangely seem a bit tighter
    And strangely much wetter [Chalky] How do you know about testicles?
    As my bits they do fetter
    Could my underpants be any shite-er? No-one else could have done it with so much sweetness and panache. But I'm sorry anyway, and I'll get my coat.
    When recently showered and fragrant [Darren] eeh lad ... I've melted a few in my time :-) [pen] stick around - we need you for this one ...
    I jumped on an elderly vagrant
    We made passionate love
    While the pigeons above
    Doled out the lubricating a-gent. almost rhymes...anyway it made me smirkle
    Ahhh, we raise our game and lower our tone - can't be coincidence!
    Stand back! I'm about to erupt!
    In a manner both loud and abrupt!
    There's nowt you can do
    I'll explode right on cue
    Unless you bribe me (I'm corrupt)
    In New Jersey, New York and New Delhi
    You see all the same things on the telly
    For Sesame Street
    Or the Kumar's we meet
    But not the beach webcam, Pwllheli.
    And those 'Stars' with that tw*t Matthew Kelly. sorrysorrysorry - no, not really.
    Well, dash it - simulled.
    They think they have 'Stars in their Eyes'
    Which flew down from the vault of the skies
    If only they knew
    They're just specks of poo
    And the promise of fame is all lies.
    My handbag's possessed by a demon
    Actually, forget that. Not very rhymable.
    Copernicus brought down the Earth
    To a much more acceptable girth
    He then set about
    To prove without doubt
    what heliocentricity's worth. (Projoy) Your HAND-BAAAG??
    Father Christmas has multiple forms
    But one nature, to which they all conform
    And on Christmas Eve
    (so they'd have us believe)
    A fat 'Ho-ho-Ho' is the norm
    The Geese are getting quite fat Do you want stuffing?
    I don't really care for all that Get Stuffed! yourself...
    Succulent marinaise I'll have potatoes wit that if you don' mind!
    On these festive days
    Is best served alongside your cat
    I looked in the mirror; it cracked
    You'd think it'd've shown more tact
    But an ugly boat-race
    Has rowed over my face
    In a mutual suicide pact
    With Thomas and Richard and Harry
    Lay Dierdrie and Senga and Carrie
    They'd all lost a bet
    as to whether they'd get
    Themselves out of a duty to marry
    The motion of trees in the night
    Without wind, is a worrying sight
    The dryads will walk
    The Triffids will talk
    Our lives the spirits will blight
    Play chess on the roof of your shack
    Your imagin'ry friend can play black
    So if he says 'mate'
    You can nail in a slate
    And if he says 'check,' shoot his back
    I sense an impending disaster
    And so I have brought a small plaster
    I've some ointment as well
    For use when all hell
    Breaketh loose and becometh the master
    Courgettes - which are Jewish, of course -
    Must not be combined with stewed horse
    So take your zucchini
    Marinate in Martini
    Then stew with some beetroots for borsch
    I like a good seasonal stew
    There's a very fine place down at Kew
    Where they stew a live dog
    In eau de la bog
    (Please take over my place in the queue!)Yuk!! .....seasonal?
    A snowman is best if he's given
    The eyes and nose of David Niven
    Sean Connery's hat
    And Dr. No's cat
    Who'll ensure that with piss-holes it's riven.
    This year I have only one plea [jim] sure. the dog is a german shepherd.
    Please give all your presents to me
    And when you've done that [Rosie] well played - you'd be amazed at the amount of time I spent conjuring up 'acts' on a snowman to guarantee a last line ending 'riven' or striven' - I obviously have nothing better to do this time of year :-)
    You can don this daft hat (Chalky) Cheers. The busiest thing I am doing at this time of the year is firing off apologetic letters to all those who sent a Christmas card to my late Mum. Oh, the sins of omission.
    While I *hum* a refrain at your knee. [slipping out the back door]
    "Here's to you, Mrs R!" Ben declared.
    To which Mrs R said: "Don't be scared" [Rosie] see Banter
    And slipped off her coat
    Her charms to promote (Chalky) Seen it. :-)
    'Twas more than her soul that she bared.
    'Tis the season for to be jolly
    via HYPnotic trance of svengali
    whose staring mince pies
    , boring deep in my thighs,
    have detected both ivy and holly.
    When cold in the morning, it's best
    To pack up one's back and head west
    s/back/bag
    Get right out of town
    And dress up as a clown
    But do not join the legion, Beau Geste.
    A jelly what sits on a plate
    Is the latest thing in the TATE
    Its wobbly appeal
    As an artistic meal
    Was reduced when it passed sell-by date
    This shed (first a shed, then a boat)
    Needs treating with fresh creosote
    This strange piece of art
    is falling apart
    And the artist has just got his coat...
    The champion liverwurst maker
    Has retired as town undertaker
    The deli's now broke
    And he's moved down to Stoke
    For a life as a pottery maker
    Whilst opening a tin of sardines
    I squirted some sauce on my jeans
    Then opened the tin
    What the sardines were in
    Then ate them with toast and beans Sounds pretty average for the lone eater just in from a long day :-(
    'Twas the night before Christmas and all
    Panto Dames had gone to the ball
    Not one ugly sister
    to ruin the vista
    Cinders was left, with mice et al.
    It's over, you've eaten. Go home!
    Do not roam over land, sea or foam
    And don't you dare linger
    Or phantom flan flinger
    Will splatter your cranial dome - is it me, or have limerick standards slipped lately, particularly at MCiOS ?
    The winter sun shines on my screen (Phil) It's not you. Rhythm and humour in short supply - even rhyme sometimes.
    Why, oh why, is this golden beam
    So bright, yet so cold
    And so young yet so old | [Phil] I agree. It was never brilliant (check the archives for evidence), but the art of scansion in particular seems to be crumbling lately.
    (Compare some our current efforts with the Platonic limerick)
    Only indoors this scene should be seen.
    There once was a lim'rick so poor
    Out of twenty, I'd give it a four
    That lousy attempt
    Was crude and unkempt
    Now we're back to high standards once more.
    Today it's so cold that I shiver (Projoy) There's posh. How do you do that? Point well made but the melody's crap. :-)
    Drink hot rum, tho' it'll fu*k up your liver
    A bobbly hat
    A romp in my flat
    Who can say there's no fun en hiver?
    Inside of a hive you'll find bees
    They can spell, and all have great knees
    And what's even better,
    They fill out a sweater,
    So long as there's no absentees
    This caffeine will give me a lift
    The lead in my head it will shift
    but as for my liver...
    It will cry a river
    What will spill when my flood gates are rift
    So welcome to 2006
    I shall learn every day some new tricks
    Involving some rope
    And our new model Pope
    and a very large box of matchsticks Cor strike-a-light guv'nor! and other such 'Van Dyke cockernee'
    Resolutions are most often broken
    In ways which are better not spoken
    Are those such as these:
    Oops, I didn't notice the "are" in the first line, or I imagined a "which", so mine makes no grammatical sense. Try this instead:
    One's New Year intention
    Of modest dimension
    Is less use than a £1 book token
    This stance is under inspection
    It seems to need no correction
    But since golf requires
    Lots of land in the shires
    It attracts some rural attention
    I'm off out to hunt for wild boar
    I've got bullets enough to shoot four
    Provided I aim
    To kill, not to maim
    Protestations I'll choose to ignore
    I'd say to be fluent in Latin
    You'd choose the right chair to be sat in
    Whilst gargling with petrol
    I'm ready to bet you'll
    Achieve a result by le matin.
    Well, that was really average.
    A sailor from far-off Malay
    Denied that his boyfriend was gay
    He did, though, admit
    That he managed to fit
    The figurehead in his back way
    Now THAT was well above average:-)
    My father would often insist
    He could fit, in his mouth, a whole fist
    but we said, "We don't care."
    So he showed us with flair
    He put hand to mouth, and he missed
    There was a young lady called Karen
    Who knew a young lady called Sharon
    The one was delightful
    The other, most frightful
    But both will be punted by Charon
    This scotch in my slippers is yummy
    The taste is OK, but it smells hummy
    The aroma's not peaty
    But rather quite meaty
    And smells like my feety, says Mummy
    Have you ever been in a canoe?
    And if so, do you know what to do...
    In an eskimo roll
    You must waggle your pole
    And watch out for where the bears poo
    In my hat is some dry Plymouth gin - continuing Projoy's theme
    That enters my head through my skin.
    To drink through osmosis
    Halts liver cirrhosis
    Allowing unlimited sin.
    Bravo! Wit, scansion, clever rhymes! That one had the lot!
    It's time to play Beethoven loud!
    Come one and come all, join the crowd!
    The Ninth in D Minor
    For nothing is finer
    I'm sure his old mum would be proud
    While reading The Meaning of Liff
    (As a PDF, not a GIF)
    my screen it went blank - More of a bang really, s'bit of a bugger really...
    Not surprised, to be frank
    As the file was served as a TIFF
    The Wonderful Wizard of Oz
    We're going to visit, because
    I'm hoping he'll give
    me reason to live . . . . sad . . . .
    i.e. repeal the polygyny laws. ...so true....
    A feisty young pilgrim named Scott
    Was getting on fine, until shot
    In the back, by a gun
    By a militant nun
    Whom he'd made agreeably hot.
    The building site over the road
    Can be entered by keying the code
    "GNISSAPSERT_TON_MI_ON"
    Which should open Gate 1
    What drops, squishing you flat as a toad
    One night as she opened her door
    She noticed an absence of floor
    "Oh, what has become ... " Hanging quote warning!
    "of my hall - how rum..." Warning extended
    "that it looked like this after the war." ...oldie... (Softers, IrG) Why close the quotes, then?
    I heard a loud "Squish" in the hall
    But on checking, there was f*ck all
    It must be my ears (Softers) Have the courage of your profanity. :-)
    They've been waxy for years
    And go "squish" till I give them a trawl.
    The animals entered in twos
    The Ark was more cramped than most zoos
    Survival became (.. unfinished sen ..)
    The name of the game
    Let's see what they found on their cruise
    As Noah had hoisted his sails,
    The elephants lifted their tails
    A fair wind ensued
    (Albeit quite rude)
    And threw Japeth and Shem o'er the rails
    'Twas then that the flood did commence
    And swept the menagerie hence
    Alas, few could swim
    So Noah sang out a hymn
    To save all from a damp consequence
    But it fell on deaf ears, floods increased
    The rain, though, had long ago ceased I'm sure there's a hydrological explanation.
    Then the crocodile pair
    Emerged from their lair
    To size up the animal feast!
    Hors d'oeuvre was a Hamster En Croute
    With a garnish of fricasséed newt
    And a cherry coulis
    A glass of cat's pee
    And little dungballs en mazout.
    With years left in prison to serve, - Unfinished sentence alert..
    Hussein has lost none of his verve
    He still sings the blues
    Having nothing to loose
    And writes fan mail to Catherine Deneuve
    Whilst disinfecting the loo
    I noticed the pee left by Pooh
    'T was all over the seat
    And it covered my feet
    I can't potty train him; can you?
    I'm gaming with each of your minds
    By undressing with open blinds
    Exposing my Long-Johns,
    [I'd put on the wrong ones] [Marc] thanks a bunch :-)
    And showing my Oxfam shop finds
    The higher you climb up the pole
    The harder to reach your prime goal
    Especially when
    The bosses are men
    , iguanas, or fillies in foal
    Perfection is hard to achieve
    Yet if I fail, then I must leave
    , Commit hara-kiri,
    The philosophical theory
    That death will, less than failure, aggrieve.
    Few people are practised at pottery
    At the wheel I'm all shaky and tottery
    Don't mention the glaze
    I applied in a daze
    Simul'ed - I had (And, my God, all those clays!)
    The result at the end is a lottery
    For seven and fourpence a week
    One could dress quite remarkably chic
    In 1908
    But I fear that, of late,
    You'd be kicked out of any boutique
    I fear that disorder is rife
    In the one-time Kingdom of Fife
    The serfs in Fife's fiefs
    Are revolting their chiefs
    By offering the use of their wife
    There's panic and fear on the streets!
    They resound to the mob's trampling feets!
    Setting buildings ablaze
    And undoing their stays
    And denouncing the works of John Keats.
    The looters are seen on the telly
    Raiding grocery shelves to steal jelly
    Let's enforce martial law
    And give them what for
    For they have no casus belli.
    It's Oat-en the open - those swine (unfinished sentence career alert)
    Who escaped from the hog farm are mine! Waiting for cereal killer reference
    [Both] I was shooting for a Lib Dem Homo affairs topic there, but no matter :)
    We'll return now to order,
    Redefining the border
    Of what's pink and what's pork - so that's fine.
    At dinner there's only one topic
    Should the Liberals choose Lembit Öpik
    Should we fear asteroids
    Shall I take my steroids
    Should we worry 'bout things microscopic?
    To be continued....
    Charles Kennedy - all is forgiven
    We know why to drink you were driven.
    Your bright ginger hair
    The Lib Dems' shape? Pear
    It makes your life hardly worth livin'
    My niece tells me Campbell's a minger . . . . continuing the theme . . . .
    She says I should give him the finger
    But to play devil's A
    Even dogs have their day
    And give him his due, he's not ginger
    A description I have of Chris Huhne
    Mentions a Yellow Baboon - hope that rhymes???
    As seen from the rear
    He inspires great fear
    That all of a sudden he'll moon. (SalPud) Well, not really, but I'll go along with it. :-)
    Is the moon tonight waxing or waning?
    No-one can say, 'cos it's raining
    The raindrops that fall
    Let me see b*gger all
    Which is why I am loudly profaning.
    The good folk of Maidenhead, Berks
    Are known by their conspicuous quirks
    'Cos their bland little town [F'staff] in UK 'Berks' is pronounced 'barks' for your future enlightenment
    We have turned upside down [Software] what’s UK?
    And moved up to Bromsgrove in Worcs.
    I once hopped a train to Helsinki [i,R,B,p,P - nice] [Marc - United Kingdom. England et. al.]
    Where I met a strange man (well, I think he...
    Was strange and quite rude
    Using language quite crude
    Whilst flashing his wee willy winkie) well - I HAD to close the parentheses somehow, didn't I?
    A terrible fellow called Lance
    Was never invited to dance
    His lumbering gait (penultimate Lim) - Catastrophe in F# for five voices, K627.
    And his greasy bald pate
    Forced rebuttals to any advance
    Wolfgang Amadeus once said:
    "I've got this great riff in my head".
    It's Eine fine riff
    But now Mozart's a stiff
    His music is also quite dead.
    Was Wolfgang Amadeus called "Mo"?
    I think his fans all need to know.
    For they are devout
    When they hear his "The Trout" - Yeah, yeah, but what Mozart piece ends with "out"?
    Which starts on Sol but ends on Doh. (Projoy) All trad jazz numbers end with an "out chorus", so-called.
    In contrast, the "Trout", Schubert's best
    Should be witnessed while wearing one's vest
    Not to look dashing,
    But rather, just flashing
    The orchestra with your bare breast
    [Rosie] I wasn't aware Mozart was involved with trad jazz.
    Jim Mozart, that king of trad jazz
    And Correa, (that's Chuck and not Chaz.)
    Don't forget Parker
    His music's much darker
    Just the thing for a night on the razz
    My little imaginary pig
    Wears a syrup-of-fig
    It's from California
    All pink, and named Sonia
    Wow, man, great acid, you dig? (It's the only logical explanation)
    I once bought a kilo of coke
    With it my fire to stoke
    But the fizz had all gone
    So I downed it in one
    And that's when I started to choke
    A feller named Ludwig van Beet
    The end of his name did delete
    His tune for Elise
    Can be played with some ease (Chalky) That doesn't rhyme! I dunno, woman of your calibre.
    With your heart, with your hands, with your feet
    [Kim] Have you heard Chalky speak? She's dreadfully posh, she'd get away with it.
    This booklet is missing some pages
    My interest it no more engages (pen) Did you mean that for me? :-)
    'Cos the bits taken out
    Were the ones all about [Rosie] "Beet" "delete", it's quite fine :P
    The cut in our Directors' wages *blithely ignores Rosie's irony bypass*:-)
    It's such a big shame that the boss
    Aims never for profit, but loss
    He's as stupid as sh*t
    Which his arse doth em*t (Chalky) Not at all, m'dear. I wouldn't have put it up if I fought you was like higgonorant (Yes I would)
    But the workers don't give a toss
    If I'd known it would cause so much strife (Re: the one before last)
    I would never have married my wife
    Cause here rhyming is bad,
    And her scansion is sad (assuming here=her)
    In fact I don't know what she's on about half the time.
    Salaciously creeping around
    With my belly quite close to the ground
    I bite on her heel
    And erotic'ly kneel
    Then howl like a love-seeking hound
    Caressing my neck-hairs she said:
    "I really wish you were dead"
    "So I could shag your corpse" [rhyming challenge]
    From here to Cleethorpes
    (imagine inverted commas suitably arranged)
    But I'll settle for Grimsby instead"
    I'm counting the ways that I love
    Each finger's own place in a glove
    Though it's with mittens I'm smitten
    Thus I've written the worst love poems in Britain when in Rome...
    With my middle finger raised high above ... don't do as the other nuts do!
    There once will be peace in this valley,
    And soon we were counting the tally
    Of those now departed time space continuum r us
    As off they are carted Lucky them . . . .
    to Bristol, to rot in an alley or dropped from an overhang onto a passing garbage scow
    The prodigal son doth return
    With a listhp and bad cathe of thun burn I don't know any more than anybody else, okay!
    The fatted calf lows
    Snicker-snack! So it goes
    For his sound effects CD we yearn
    A cat in a hat once said,
    "Please get this daft thing off my head open quote alert
    Or I'll crap on your chair
    Cough up balls of my hair
    And put mice and dead birds in your bed"
    A School Bus Driver once said
    "This bus driving won't keep me fed"
    So he nicks all the sweeties
    Contracts diabeeties
    And from hypoglycaemia's'dead a grim tale for anyone thinking about stealing confectionery
    I like stealing candy from kids
    Except little Suzy McLids
    'Cause her's is all covered
    with drool, where she's hovered
    And will transmit diseases like SIDS
    I act as the spoke in the wheel
    with lots of bananas to peel,
    I'm a fruit addict, see?
    No scurvy knave, me
    As I prepare my vitamin meal
    There once was a Lady so lewd,
    That even the Essex Men booed
    For when she disrobed
    With her fingers she probed - I can feel a coat requirement coming on.
    And outdid the goatse.cx man for good. Yes, it's a URL. No, you don't want to see it. NSA (Not Safe Anywhere).
    At the times when I haven't a clue
    I tend to join hands with a gnu [I'm clearly certifiable]
    We smear the vast veldt
    With wildebeest smelt
    Then go for some females to screw (Bestial behavior amongst all those animals...)
    I'm sure to enjoy Lanzarote
    I've heard it's not rainy or grotty
    But instead, clean and sunny
    Good value for money,
    arrow_circle_down
    Want to play? Online Crescenteering lives on at Discord