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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
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We'll start right away
For the chance to F**k up a New Year I'm back from by Gallic celebrations, all the best for the new Year, one and all.
And repeat right away Congratulations, Softers. One New Year Limerick F**ked up as intended. Well done. ;)
Rejoice! Let us sing and make cheer!
Let's all drink gallons of beer!
We'll start right away
(and there was me thinking that this was a limericks game...)
[nights] They all turn into something resembling MC in the end, you know...
And we'll brook no delay
[b]Someone tell me which line we're at here.[/b] Aha! I managed to vent my predicament and play a valid move into the bargain.
(but bugger up the HTML, 'cos another site I visit uses '['s and ']'s rather than '<'s and '>'s. Sorry folks.)
For the chance to F**k up a New Year
That's enough of that. 11-line limericks vex me.
If two heads are better than one
Then six hands must be lots of fun
Arm wrestle arachnid
(Spider joke, hackneyed)
If compelled, just repeat until done. A bit like that last limerick. Seems we had a touch of the old Dollis Hillitis going on for a bit, eh?
A Republican from Norwich once wrote
'Limerick writers - take note ...
...On pain of your lives,
When rhyming with knives
Beware that they're not at your throat
I have no excuse this time, sir
I have not a clue, what is myrh?
Why, it's Gilead's balm
Applied underarm
Whence a sprouting of wings will occur.
A cockerel's a creature with wings
A young trained cock without any strings
. It can be a great pet,
If its mind isn't set
On hens and such sexual things
I once saw a porcupine fly
(A rare insect, from wetland Dubai)
It's covered in pricks
, performs magic tricks
in top hat, in tails and white tie!

Watch out for turnips in June
Oh poop. Round two:
Watch out for turnips in June
by the light of a silvery moon
They explode at a touch
maiming your crotch
And mature at the root far too soon
My apple is home to a worm
My bottom is home to a germ carefully lowering the tone.
And both, it is said
Will answer to "Fred"
It's enough to make anyone squirm
Whilst cutting a slice of Red Leicester Spelling puns?
(In my job as a milk product teicester)
I cut through a vein
While concealing disdain
and died in the old Zoo in Chester
Lim MC! I'll go first. Manor Park
??? "Oh What a lark!"
to frolick in the buff
Kim - I think your excellent first line may have been too subtle for some ... sorry chaps ...
Kim - Lim MC! I'll go first. Manor Park
Chalky - Then I'll follow in kind. Cutty Sark !
Ladies, perhaps you could explain the rules of how Lim MC works. Ordinary limericks work along the premise that lines 1, 2 and 5 rhyme, whilst 3 and 4 do also. Furthermore 1, 2 and 5 have typically nine syllables, whilst 3 and 4 have five. given that you've set a precedent that lines or names or moves(whatever term one should use) 1 and 2(and presumably 5) have four syllables, how many should 3 and 4 have? Or is that not important?
Oops! I meant to say "1 and 2(and presumably 5) have three syllables", but you get the gist.
If you read out the whole line 1 & 2 including the italicised part .. you will see that Kim and I have a perfect 9 syllables each :-) [oh ... and Kim is a chap]
*chortles* don't worry kim, I was accused of being a lady last week on the MCiOS chat room. just talk about football, that'll give them the idea, offside ref fullback pies burberry army.
Goodness me, Chalky. I'd never have spotted that. That's fantastic. My apologies however to you, Kim for presuming.

Ahem, anyway, I'll give this a go. Here's my move:

Then Bank I shall try.
To Debden I'll fly
Pah! That's a ploy pioneered on the Ark!!
To play Kightsbridge gets me a podume.

[I'm keeping up with the Lim MC theme. I figure that we ought to keep going 'til someone finds their way to MC. Also, to make the game even more fiendishly clever, all MC-based 'extras' like declaring home stations, aquiring snoods and podumes, bifurcations, issues of spoon etc. should be incorporated into the rhyme. Pretty groovy huh? Should make the game not only more interesting but more of a challenge. I can't wait t see how folk play it in Limericks if someone(God forbid) starts up a Dollis Hill loop.]
[now I realise why you folks, like Chalky and Dujon and Rosie and the Doc were pleased to see me return. It's 'cos I've always brought some strange permutation into the game at hand, thereby redrafting or abusing the game mechanics, in the past(at Pants) haven't I? Like Charades interrupting a game of BallyKissangels or turning Good News/Bad News into a horror story. My apologies to those of you who don't like it. I'm a rogue some might say.]
[I tell you what would be cool to do as a game - Limerick Charades. Whereas Online Text Charades differs from Sound charades in that it takes the form of a transcript of a conversation between two people(usually Dougal and Hamish), Limerick Charades would be a transcript in the form of a Limerick, from which we all guess the book, film song or play. Person 1 would have lines 1, 3 and 5, while person 2 would get 2 and 4. Now that would be a challenge, don't you think?]
But only if Bank's got enough room
For when at Russell Square
et si Monumentum requiris . . .
I'm confused (2 brain cells both, working over time).I liked the old Limerick game progress only confuses me......sigh.....
Fawning Till Pleasant
(Widey)I'm with you on that. This reminds of the entry in the Hungarian Phrase Book for Travellers "Lo! the train has left the rails". Time to get the cranes out.
Nah, just needs a bit of routine track maintenance...
To play Knightsbridge gets me a podume [doesn't scan all that well, Thax :P]
If Bank's only got enough room
For when at Russell Square
Oval freem ain't all there
Credit where it's due and all, I think it was Kim's idea. Seems if it wants to carry on organically it will do just that; but I'm with Rosie and widey - plain old limericks'll do me a treat, fanks.
(and if you're looking for a definition of a limerick, you could do worse than start here)
[rosie] phrase books are great - I had one that got lost in the move that had a whole section on what to yell out during sex... in French.
[Tidying up]
To play Knightsbridge gets me a podume
If Bank's only got enough room
For when at Russell Square
Oval freem ain't all there
So Wapping's the one, I presume?
In Egypt they do things with geese
which involve using feathers and grease
But in France and Japan
They just flush the pan Of course in Italy it's called the Po.
And then smear each other with cheese
On a radio station in Cheshire
They interviewed old M C Escher
whose illusory art
Was oft known to start
With a hunt for some long-buried treasure
I said not to mention the war
But you did, you incredible bore
Forget the Armada
Let's dance the Lambada
Until we both collapse to the floor!
There was a young lady from Venus
who discovered a thing which was heinous hoping this doesn't go in the obvious direction.....
It was firm and quite stiff
and on top was a quiff!
(Use a clean handkerchief)
Bugger! Missed the warning. Follow widey.
did we miss the last line there ? Are we being squeamish ?

Since you ask, that's a gun in my pocket

I shall pull it out, aim it and cock it
With unerring aim
But no malice or shame
But it could go off early if knockéd Coat!
I once wrote a poem, it's true,
But ask me to show 'em, I'll sue going with po-em...
The verse was quite blank
But exceedingly frank
And the sentiment expressed was blue
What is the meaning of this?

There was a young lady from Venus
Who discovered a thing which was heinous
It was firm and quite stiff
And on top was a quiff

She exclaimed "Something has come between us!"
Breadmaster - What is the meaning of this?
Chalky - You promised perpetual bliss
But your penis is tiny
And your voice is so whiny
And you're constantly out on the piss!
I once heard a fellow named Guy
Had set sail on the great Bering Sea
He found that the boat
Smelled throughout of dead goat
And the gunnels were filled with horse pee
What a charming impression it makes
When you stuff up your mouth full of cakes
If you fall to the ground
And attempt to expound
on aught but the Progress of Rakes.
On reading this website I find
It quite tedious and unkind (but not really!!)
And when you arrive
The place is alive it is, it is!
With the sound of the Crescenter's mind. ... except the BanterGame today :-(
It's a year since this site went on-line
And we've all had a jolly fine time
So please raise your glass
Put a cork in your arse Sorry to lower the tone, but this is getting a bit smug.
To say cheers, rab & Nik - it's just fine. [Rosie] Why apologise? FWIWIMHO - not smug, just right.
A pat on the back is OK
So long as we don't lose our way
Let's try not to boast
Just nod to our host
Without getting too over-gay.
I am happy and clappy and gay!
I am the new vicar, let us pray
For it's said, love thy neighbour
On the sabbath, don't labour No problem. Just getting up is bad enough.
And don't covet your friends' nuts in May.
To begin a new week it is wise
To slap a young wench on the thighs
But not on her bum
Or the back of her tongue
Lest you suffer an early demise!
Reportedly, I have been shot
That's the press for you, is it not? Unless it's true, of course.
The news story stated
That I'd bifurcated
That Raak's implicated
after Kim: in a complex and intricate plot
after Twiki: I'd ne'er bifurcated 'till now
But in the future I will, that I vow
Till I chanced upon this magic cow bifurcating, natch
I'll split an' I'll splice / Her twink-er-ling udders [bifurcating with a vengeance]
I'll chop and I'll dice / Quite gave me the shudders
Re-uniting? No way.../But her double cream's good...
I'll allow
I sat on the barstool, confused
Which way round the Med had I cruised?
my head swum with gin
And a hellish loud din
Why, oh why, had I never refused?
In order to lose seven stone
I gave our pet dog my thigh bone
And my head to the cat
who was sprawled on the mat
Now I'm lighter but can't use the phone
I broke my New Year's reolution
I broke my New Year's resolution
And failed to give up prostitution
It's a lucrative game
For a pantomime dame
And does wonders for the constitution - accent on the "the". Sorry but I don't know how to draw the line (in html).
B'smith - nice one ... a simple < hr > without the spaces does the trick :-)
When I go to Luton I take
A bottle of ready-soused hake
A sandwich of spam
A freshly killed lamb
And a herb-stuffed and roasted corncrake.
I've just found a bat in my tea!
But do I play cricket? Not me!
Though I have this box
It's storage for socks
That's quite handy I'm sure you'll agree and now a drum-roll please...............
Wey hey!! Thanks once again Chalkers.
I've just found an owl in my pint!
Can the pussy-cat be far behind?
(tricky) or is it a scene in my mind
Though the grog's made me blind (not such good form.)
And my verse is quite blank you will find-t. There is no word in the English language that rhymes with pint, otherwise I am sure that the great Sir John Betjeman would surely have written about beer in Slough.
I think's there's a man in my garden!
(In the suburbs of Henly in Arden)
Perhaps he's a gnome
I wish he'd go home
'Cause his stance is beginning to harden.
teehee
The Grimblepritz lives in a cave
He does not know how to behave
He once caused a fight
Then used dynamite
Instead of a razor to shave.
The Flubadub rubs on a tub
Which comes from the hub of a sub
But a bop with a mop
And a fop who's a sop
Scrub mud with the grub from the club
blast!
I've just bought a cake in Dundee
I'm taking it home for my tea
But Hamish and Dougal Oblig.?
Have been somewhat more frugal
and boiled up a brew from old-wee (yuk)
Duh-da-da-duhhh
There was a young lady called Annie
Who loved a good old Hootenaney
While taking a dance
She'd rip off her pants
For a doh-si-doh with her Aunt Fanny.
Now, fanny may mean many things
For Yank and Brit different bell rings
The way that it parses
In the US it's arses
But whichever it is, it mings.sorry girls, don't mean it really, it just rhymed and made me laugh
There once was a Turtle named Walter
Who attended the Conference of Yalta Very long-lived, turtles, so probably still alive. But then, so am I. :-)
with wit and with charm
And the twist of an arm
He succeeded in annexing Malta.
all above] BRAVO !
I'll second that
'Tis a while since I posted a line
- been busy stealing the fog from the Tyne
So why-aye, alreet
man, leave us the sleet (Proj)You bin read'n' Viz again?
So we've got a reason to bitch and whine.♣
ÕÒÞ§¡ I forgot to add the hard return. ♣
There once was this fellow from Lund
who embezzled his firm's pension fund
He put large amounts
Into offshore accounts oblig.
And claimed it was the lottery he'ed just won'ed
plump] OUCH!
My offshore account on Madeira
Is filled to the rafters with Lira
The int'rest is high
I'm not quite sure why
Now I fear the pursuit of Megaera.
A kidney that's doubled in size
May give you a giant surprise,
If you tighten your belt
The squeeze will be felt
Even after we’ve closed our flies.
There once was a farmer named George,
that was supposed to be the start of the next piece of art..... (how is that accomplished....? maybe a little sweet person can tell me one day?)
I'm not a sweet little person but I'll tell you today. Follow this link ...
http://mustela.phyast.pitt.edu/basichtml.html
To be fair to the Spanish Armada
They just needed to sail a bit harder
For the atlantic drift (its true i watched a tellie program an all)
May have tightened their rift
Gee... thx Chalky I think I’ve got it! And they turned home again and got nada…
There was once a farmer named George
Whose cow,(name of Daisy), would gorge
On the best golden wheat
Then kick George in the seat
So he fit her custom shoes in his forge
It's just ten and six in this style
Tho' not many sold for a while
But if Sir likes it tighter
Or pinker, or whiter
Our surgeon is quite versatile.
"I shall now make a lat'ral incision
then a transversal cut with precision
Then carefully ... oooops
I delve in the forests at night.
In search of the rare woodland sprite
Is it here? Is it there?
I don't really care
The pub's open,I'm off, nighty-night!
Sagacity, some of the time, ...
can display itself as a good rhyme
However, beware!
For knowledge is ne'er
That Projoy committed a crime
When screwing make sure to turn right
While gripping the screwdriver tight
When banging a nail
You are sure not to fail
Provided you do it at night.
The truth is, your honour, I'm mad
Which is why, in this kumquat I'm clad
So do, please, acquit me
You see, it don't fit me
It needs taking in just a tad.
I’m so glad that we made it tonight,
Although, to be fair, it weren't right
We're both dressed in lace
There's jam on your face
And my trousers are really too tight
It hasn't upset me at all
That autumn is also called fall
After fall winter raises
No prospect of daisies
And back to the start of it all.
I can see in my payslip today
That tonite’ we’ll have stone soup with hay
But when I were a lad
(I were told by me Dad)
We 'ad rhubarb wi' custard AND clay.
T'problem wi' t'youth of t'day
They cannot spell and don’t want to pay
For some government schemes
Or Tony Blair's dreams
So sod'em that's what I say
There was a young lad from Calcutta
Who invented a new type of putta
using Hindi technique
and a pelican beak
He was swiftly denounced as a nutter
So what do you make of this boil?
I’d put in salt and add some oil,
But the bit that annoys so
Leaks a yummy pastry dough
...buried 6 feet under top-soil.
She said her name was SinnerElla (?),
Drawing the line... here:
She said her name was SinnerElla (?), (sorry, forgive a humble whoresman from the stable...)
She'd been familiar with this 'ere rich fella
How cared not for the poor
e jes wanted to do 'er
So they discretely retired t'cellar.
Ah've fergotton 'ow ter tork proper
And me grammar were coming a cropper
Ah drops all me 'aitches
But how Mr Henry replaces
...a Queens head by using a chopper? (maybe ‘enery the eight thought his wives talked too much?)
....long ago in a land far away,
lived a sly beast by name of Foreplay
What he did with his tongue
Could replace a bad hung
- over sentence which might go astray.
Well Hello, Blunder et al - good game eh?
9/10 for scansion.
It's not right, but we'll make do for now
We'll stick to the guidelines somehow
But really, it's torture
And really, you oughtcher
Oops...
And really, you oughtcher
Convert from your voodooism to Tao? Hi Chalky et al. Nice site for nice people it seems (sofar!).
"It’s the house-rule!", she said, and undressed,
So the cop put her under arrest
"You can't do that 'ere"
"Put on your brassiere"
"You'll 'ave time fer all that at the inquest."
:)
He booked'er and tooked'er downtown
In the backseat ha said: “Please cool down!” Hi Oegy, nice lines!
She said, "But I'm hot."
"And I notice you've got
Your hosepipe caught in my nightgown".
If the plural of moose is ... well, moose
That's English - it's always quite loose
But mooses or meeces
Mongoose or mongeeses
Try getting it right? What's the use?
The teacher looked straight at the class.
She said: "Now, if you don't pass,
I'll take you outside
And tan your backside oblig.
Till I've took the shine off your brass. Hi Blunder ... thanx
There once was a lascivious louse,
Who pursued a sweet tender titmouse
“May I bite your left tit?”
She giggled a bit
And said, "Not without showing more nous."
There must be a way to ensure
That lines contain wit, not manure
If there is we don't know it
"Bugger, that's blown it"
So lets all rhyme "wit" with "ordure"
(talking about farming…) A farmer once said to his milkmaid:
"Have you ever heard excellent filk played" Milkmaid??
" It sounds pretty good" [yes, Blunder - if you're intending to swamp us with your contributions - it's considered non de rigeur to post a rhymeless word in here. ]
As a parody should I suppose there's always Marco Polo's job...
...and me hayloft’s a good place to get laid…
One iamb and these two anapaests,
felt lines could grow outo’ their chests,
they wrote lines, one good meter
two – three feet, and no cheater
Thanks for the lesson! Did all pass the tests?
A metrical system with feet ?
Well, I'm close to admitting defeat I know it doesn't really matter and I shouldn't care and this is probably just projection over other stuff that's bothering me, but, for heaven's sake, the last one had only one scanning line.
Sorry, I exaggerated. Two scanning lines.
Don’t give up, help is near!Here I've found some useful hints regarding Limericks: http://www.limericks.org/pentatette/whatis.htm
Let us raise a great cheer
For a decent one when it's complete.
*great cheer*
Know what you're saying Projoy - and even though it shouldn't really matter [in the wider scheme of things], it kind of does matter. I am consoled by the evidence that all three limerick games invariably suffer phases of crappiness, but right themselves eventually.
There were a young lad, like, from 'ull That's a capitalapostrophe, by the way.
Who resembled a young herring gull
Though his bill wasn’t red,
'e 'ad nowt in 'is 'ead PJ] a quite justified outburst, imbued with a marvellous level of pathos.
It's as well 'e 'ad a thick skull.
Pj] I sort of figure I haven't been around long enough around to get to express annoyance, and should just keep listening and watching and seeing how it's done... But when all someone would have to do is swap the word order, or leave out one modifer, to have a line that would work... Well, it seems disrespectful of the forum to not take the extra 10 seconds to make sure.
But still, in the great scheme of things
We must all learn to suffer the slings
Don’t give up come what may
For there will come a day
When some are Beggars and we are the Kings
There once was a girl who was single,
And her toes, they always would tingle
As she imagined her beau
With fame, looks, and dough
making all their naughty bits mingle. Disgraceful!
Why is it that windows can shatter
And why is it women do chatter?
We should blame Billy Gates! This is an utterly serious matter! Linux may not be perfect either, but there's no big noise when it shatters ;-)
And all his rich mates!
This is an utterly serious matter! Sorry, couldn't resist.
There are some occasions, I’ve heard Kim, it's OK. 'twas supposed to be the second line but Software had more well-oiled keys and you are the smartest of us all I guess?
When someone assumes the absurd
Like: I’m here – I exist !
And I'm totally pissed!
So sorry we are for what occurred.
Sir Leofric and Lady Godiva
Well Leofic once tried to swive her First time medieval literature module has come in useful
But her chastity belt
Was now was sorely felt
So he couldn't be a muff diver. I'll...just...
....draw a line....
The trouble with eating in bed
Is that bedbugs demand to be fed
And the crumbs in your bum
Go all crusty then hum
Let’s eat at the Waldorf instead.
Her heart was as cold as an ice cube
And lips turned blue when kissing her left boob (o)(o)
But the risk of Frost Bite
When I clasped her so tight
...think I’ll grease my lips with an anti-frost lube?
in those days when women were chaste,
Men's romantic trust was misplaced
Years spent away on crusades rush the 'time spent' bit
Left at home merry maids [pen] Or just drop the "away"?
who's lust was for thrust and not rust!
*calling in a "this doesn't rhyme" objection, although the line is v good...
... just when things were beginning to look up. Tut.
who's lust was for thrust, no time to waste!
I do my poofreading with MS-Word,
This is the best thing I’ve never herd !
But if you want to Excell,
And to scan and perfectly spell
Don't use spellcheck, use a dictionary instead! Some of Mr Gates' "suggestions" are laughable.
I will post no more lines to this site
Cause B Gates are dating me tonight
Are been messed around ;)
And my output are turning to sh*te OK then, it's back to the basics. Now people, pay attention...
There once was a barmaid from Sale
Who had lovely big jugs full of ale
She came to my table
And asked: Are you able…
And that was the end of my tale.
A good-natured nudist from Crew
Lost his sweater in Birmingham zoo
He searched high and low
but what he didn't know (my last effort did rhyme if you look at the first line, as it always does if you count in time...so yah boo sucks to ZK
[widey] With respect, it didn't. "Chaste" and "rust" just don't rhyme. Feel free to elucidate if you feel they do.
Was that it had been et - by a gnu
I have a confession to make
I just ate a seven-pound cake.
I now weigh twelve stone
Yet I'm still skin and bone!
cause all that I eat is just fake?
Once the Bishop of Westminster Abbey
the metre-maid
The Bishop of Westminster Abbey
Had a scandalous fling with a cabbie
Then His Holiness said:
Eat my body, my bread
(that should have been in quotes)
"Go on, It's not all that flabby Where is that coat of mine?
Three amphibrachs: feminine ending.
on hold for a Limerick pending
judicious deployment (Projoy) There's me amphibrachs, matey; where are yours? :-)
delicious enjoyment..my favorite amphibrachs. Cheers all!
[Rosie] - Ensuring avoiding offending
[Rosie] There you go. I've often wondered whether you can only count whole words as feet or whether you can run over the barlines, so to speak. Is the first line above made of three amphibrachs, or a single syllable followed by two dactyls then a trochee? Perhaps there is no answer.
These wierdos are speaking in Greek!
True Britons the baselines must seek! Me neither Greek nor Brit...
Let's talk Anglo-Saxon (Projoy) I think you can run over the barlines, as you say, if the two words are part of a phrase but I think it would be stretching the definition to breaking point to call that first line 3 amphibrachs. One possibly i.e. "amphibrach" but I'm not sure where the stress lies. It's not in my Concise Oxford Dictionary 1964. Too bloody concise, obviously. :-)
Let’s rhyme that with huuh...... Jackson
Now I talk and I look like a freak.
They met at the bar 'Lotus Flower',
At the foot of Pisas leaning tower
She sipped a Martini
He showed her his "weeny"
They both slipped away for a shower
[Rosie] I think the word "amphibrach" is a dactyl, stress on the first syllable. I must admit (perhaps because of a musical sort of background) I'd never really considered the whole-phrases question in that light. In music it's 3/4 (or whatever) regardless of the lyrics fall. By that perception a limerick line is always three amphibrachs (or two and an iamb), whatever the enjambement. It's when you get into freer verse, like sonnets, that it gets really hard to judge. We had a discussion a while back about whether "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day" is really five iambs, or (as your view suggests) a dactyl, spondee, anapest and iamb (or maybe choriamb, dactyl, antibacchius). Anyway, the only reason for posting on it was that I just found this, which is surely the most definitive list of metrical feet to be found on the web. Anyone for some double asclepiads?
So Crowley Deck's a Tarot-dactyl
Don’t ask me, I think they used butyl? (Toby, I don't get what you're aiming at, but in Greek mythology the Dactyls were a strange race of creatures associated with the goddess Cybele and they were believed to live on Mount Ida and invented the art of working metals into usable shapes with fire)
(And as this site seems to be a good place for education, here’s a little something to enlighten your tarot knowledge? http://www.bureau-13.com/crowleys_deck.html)
It's a pun. The phrase is a dactyl; I was aiming at dinosaurs.
And there are things that rhyme with it.
There once was a Tarotic Dino; Who courted a horny young Rhino; The made love for a week; And they danced cheek to cheek; After while came a Wine-Dine Bambino
What happened to The Back to Basics campaign? Were you not listening, Toby and anonymouse? Tsk,tsk.
There was a bling-merchant from Slough
who's only friend was a cow!
But he sold her for beans, *apologising for the slightly irregular metre*
And you know what that means
He had to let Grandma pull the plough. So, we’re back to basics huh? Considering she’s just 90 and is eating like a horse it’s OK with me ;-)
There once was a preacher in Venice
who had a big red engine called dennis
And he played with his toy
allow me ...
There once was a preacher in Venice
Who had a red engine called 'Dennis'
He played with his toy
Bringing solace and joy
As an arsonist he was a menace.
Oh, show me the way to go home!
I tire and would fain go to bed
[Kim] Or "to Rome", maybe? Or "v'dome"?
Cause I’m longing so for Jerome, We will meet in Kim’s bed hi Projoy, please carry on...
for reasons best unsaid (Marc) As far as I know, Kim is a bloke, as I am too. :-)
(But let’s nail ‘im down at his tome;-) ... arn't we all blokes doing what we do right now??
There once was a man on the Moon
But no-one is going back soon
The cost was tremendous
The locals horrendous
And the shops kept on shutting at noon.
I can't stand a woman who moans *female author get-out clause declared*
And who nags, bickers, argues and drones *quickly getting out of the room declared*
So when I have time
I will teach her to mime
And keep her away from the phones.
There was a young lad from Madras
Trained a rather intelligent ass     As one does.
It could mime and eat apples
chew dildos, make fallefels
and prove theorems by Pythagoras (a square ass indeed!)
You sleep very well in Dundee
Unless stung on the nose by a bee
But under your kilt oblig.
is the source of your guilt Ooh, deep insight.
and that which thou useth to pee.
Whilst swimming with old Jacques Cousteau
I noticed black shadows below
I pointed and said
"I thought Blackbeard was dead!"
“But look out, cause he’s still on the show!”
She once got this funny idea
To make Humpty Dumpty a peer
But dubbing his shell
Caused the poor egg to swell
And cracked up his lovely veneer.
In the grand scheme of things - on the whole,
We may soon end up in - a black hole,
On the road – let’s have fun!
Before we become
Singularitarly out of control
The tortuous path to nirvana
Is halituous using marijuana
[anonymouse] You have enriched my knowledge of English.
To light up a spliff
And crash out like this
[Raak]It is explained in OneLook (halituous=like breath; vaporous) and the line is supposed to mean that you end up as smoke instead of reaching nirvana if you are stupid enough to use that drug (please also note the attemt to get a double rhyme with line 1).
You’d better turn left in Botswana?
She walked along Copacabana
masked by nought but a smoking Havana
But when the wind blew
up her dress flew!
some white-space here In a
Clearly provocative manner.
(revealed she’s a Fata Morgana?)
In order to make a white sauce
To compliment your favorite fish course
Take some butter and flour
Stir at least once an hour
Then remove from the pan with brute force!
Soft bran, taken three times a day,
For chick’s, to keep the cock away, ...birdie nam nam...
Little chicks that are fed
Little chicks in my bed....
It'll fix all their ailments, hooray! [Marc] <mode="patronise"> line four scanned wonderfully, nearly there with line two ;-) </mode>
Please look at my lovely new bladder!
A loan from my grandma’s puff adder,
The large venom sac
Can be strapped on my back
And doubles-up as a nice ladder
My sting then may spit a big splatter (using rhyming license 2684, US-accent imitation, and [Bigsmith] "Age before beauty!" ;-)
(Which is banned at the Henley Regatta)
[Marc] I believe the usual retort to "age before beauty" is "pearls before swine". :) Continuing from what I take is UK's second line of a limerick beginning with your last line...
I must first get my coat
Then as ‘Korky’ we’ll float…
As my world may suddenly shatter.
Red Baron chased this Sopwith Camel,
Steered his plane - one eye of enamel,
One tooth of pure steel,
And a screw-off left heel
Curse you!, you Teutonic trammel
I'm itching to tell you my news!
Termites are eating the pews!
The vicar's gone mad!
There’s nothing to add!...lots of !!! tonite...
Does all of this tend to bemuse?
You know, I look forward to Monday
'Cos it always comes right after Sunday (grabbing the only rhyme for "Monday" in the language...)
Tho' Saturdays tend
To mark the weed's end One epiphany after another, this one...
Goddammit, "weeks's", you know I meant
Oh, I give up.
...let’s hope you are through before Friday?
They Samba a lot down in Rio,
While driving in a Renault Clio
So when you cross the street
Don't look at your feet
Just do it all with style e con brio.
“I can’t dance but I’m yours!” she said,
"But you'll find that I'm alright in bed"
So under the duvet
We play games that two play taking the male voice for this line
She came first past the post by a head.
disgraceful!
It's time for a nice cup of soup
Because everything else I throw up (Northern accent declared)
…unless whiskey you add… (any accent possible)
...then you won't feel so bad (RP invoked)
Though it may cause a case of the droop.
"The game," Sherlock said, "is afoot!"
"Let's follow these footprints of soot!" (It could happen)
My dear Watson, however,
Not nearly so clever
Quite ugly, and bald as a coot
There's a bloke that works in our office
Who says he's the author of Sophos (the virus)
He is bald but not bold
and frankly looks old
But his code's not as vile as his cough is.
Standing naked, on hill, with eyes closed
Is not as much fun as supposed
It gets rather chilly
Around the old willy ... Yeah, I know - coat!
Not mentioning things unexposed....
She couldn’t resist what she saw,
The (shining) gold-tooth in his upper jaw,
The stainless steel hand
his wooden leg and..
.. his triumph in the Lotto™ draw.
his hardwood dick without any flaw.alternative ending and line 4: one banger, tin canned?
[Marc] are we supposed to applaud your lines 2, 4 & 5? :-)
[Chalky] no, they are submitted just as examples of lines that should be banned from a serious site like this and any mature person writing such should be ashamed! ;-)
There are times when it’s nice to be mean,
Mr Average, Joe Cool, Mr Clean
are all personal friends
And we follow the trends
Kicking ass, giving bruises bluish green. do you mean 'mean' or just 'mean'?
Now soon it is time for the Harley,
Said my friend, dear old, old Jacob Marley, indirect statement sloppily invoked
He first got a TATTOO
His Hells Angels membership came through
So he downed a brewed barrel of barley. [plump] Don't let Penelope see that line...
There once was a Jackalope hunter,
There once was a Jackalope hunter,
Who took on a post as a punter. Argh! No pun intended!
He punted his boat
To an island remote
And hoisted a wild Jackass Gunter
Some sailors get wet when they're sailing,
Some whalers get wet when they're whaling
But me and my crew
Get seasick, and we spew
And don't bother to lean o'er the railing
That last one made me laugh out loud
And banished my gloomy black cloud ... me too :-)
So rejoice and be merry
And toast it with perry
For being so comicly endowed†
My spirits have taken a dive
; My sandwich of onion and chive unfini...
Has thrown itself off
As it forced me to cough
up all over this 'orrible dive.
Preventative measures exist
To stop you from getting too pissed
Use a plug or a bag ....
Or the missus will nag
but don't become misogynist. With suitable syncopation.
There once was a spy in the Whitehall,
Who slipped all the mandarins Nytol
While they were abed
She sneaked in and read
Diatribes by Nicholas Whitchall

That's not what a hoover is for! (just watched Belleville Rendez-vous)
Er, <hr>
It's supposed to be used on the floor!
That's not what a hoover is for! (just watched Belleville Rendez-vous)
It can suck, it can blow,
*Uses nail scissors on the knot in the loop of the space-time continuum*
That's not what a hoover is for!
It's supposed to be used on the floor!
It can suck, it can blow,
And in case you don't know
Cannot love, but so what? vive l'amour
(sorry for the multipost - it sprang upon me)
The conductor put down his baton
And eyed the bassoon, who had spat on... attacca (unfino sentenza)
the Trumpeters notes...
, the piccolist's stoats,
and the third oboe's dad, Derek Hatton.
[T,PJ,P,R,r] Bravo!
It is not necessarily true,
But this apprroximation will do
That pi is defined
By two hearts entwined
Round Rolf Harris, and a didgeridoo
My hickory dickory dock
Got caught in the old Vicars jock
-strap, quite by chance
As I made an advance
And that's why I'm now in the dock
You'll never get me on a train
I've no courage, no heart, nor no brain [Oz declared]
I’ll just sit here and wait
With the scarecrow as bait
For the witch to come by with her plane.
She felt that her implants escaped,
And became a crusader(caped)
Her rampant enhancement
Improved the advancement
But her rearguard was not so well shaped.
Syntactical tactics like these
Methodologic'ly ease
Lexicographer's tricks
keen semantics
Impractical praxis will squeeze?
There once was a Caveman in Soho,
Who bought Aerosmith's "Honkin' on Bobo",
Then he hid in his cave
(There are a few better rhymes for Soho I'm sure)
For a rock music rave [Lisa] Go on then, now's your chance... :)
And made a wall painting of his Moho...girls!
Last night at the ‘Mad Vicar’s’ Pub,
Known for good spirits and poor grub
I supped on my beer careful to avoid the dreaded pint rhyme.
Then felt rather queer
And went to the Vicar to get a good rub. strange pub indeed?
make sure that you live! (just in case…)
we too oft forget in the daily race
to earn us a crust
Or do what we must
To compete in the dawn-to-dusk race
They framed the U.S. constitution
And box'd the Chinese revolution.....who?
But now, just for gays
They're counting the days
To marriages of dissolution
I've a friend who lives out in Taiwan
Who's a great great grandson of Genghis Khan
His main occupation [an'ymouse] one less 'great' would be great :-)
At Waterloo Station
At the ‘Ladies’ as a standin’ Don Juan. [Chalky] You are right, but for sure he then would have been dead a long time ago, now (really: great great great great ..... grandson) there’s a chance he can still be at service ;-)
The fat ugly Vicar of Brunswick,
Got stuck as he tested his new trick
of sawing in half
Some poor girl in a scarf
and a mouse with a strange nervous tick.
I built the Embankment for drains
but now they've gone and stuck trains
underground, I might add
Cut and cover's quite mad!
It’s time now to restart the brains.
Whenever you meet the grim reaper,
Ask if he knows someone cheaper
For the business of death
As described in Macbeth ...nice topic a sunny Monday morning
Doth cost when the dagger's plunged deeper.
Contingency plans have been made
To protect our stash of lemonade
From life's depredations
And thirsty Alsations
but it's gone, all in vain, I'm afraid.
Clear the decks, light the lights, take a bow! (to rhyme with "how")
And dress as Jack Hargreaves from How
but let's "Out Of Town"
Discard the ball gown
And quote from "Apocalypse Now"
I have heard there’s a ghost in Hyde Park,
Who perpertrates crimes after dark
For instance, it lifts
all the prizes and gifts
and feeds them all to a shark.
Clear the decks, light the lights, take a bow! (to rhyme with "show")
Cause tonight they rehearse the echo show
In the middle they will fiddle (not to rhyme with fiddle!)
Hey, diddle, diddle
At the end, they will shout 'Hello!'.... 'Hello!'
Clear the decks, light the lights, walk the plank
Load the guns, hoist the sails, get a spank
Shout "hello sailor"
To the next passing whaler
Then unload in next port at the sperm bank? (ever heard of sperm whales?)
There once was a whaler from Wales,
Who told many sea-faring tales
About living on blubber
and dressing in rubber (Marc) Ever heard of scansion?
While chopping the tails of the whales [Rosie] maybe we all need a lecture?
There once grew a Rose in this garden
Which, treated too roughly, would harden
With thorns thick and sharp
And a tough pericarp
He'd prickle, till you begged his pardon
The strange things which float in a bath
Do somtimes, make me giggle and laugh
Like my pink rubber duck
And the layer of muck
Simple tracks ‘long our primrose path
The snow is all turning to slush
And spring is approaching, with rush
Now the pollen count soars
And those pro-Winter bores :P
Will shut up and give us some hush!
While making a nice cup of tea Must be getting old. (Projoy) Too right! On uk.sci.weather (a newsgroup) you can almost hear the sound of toys being thrown out of prams when the snow melts, or doesn't arrive in the first place. :-(
I reached for the 'oil' to my knee
Which, swollen and red,
Suppurated and bled
So I ’oiled’ the inside of me! Tea and rum is a great lubri-hic’-ant!
There once was a Limerick forger
Who tried to rhyme "Lucretia Borgia"
The result, he found
Will forever astound
The folk of Atlanta Georgia
When directing traffic, beware
Try connecting me with, a prayer
John Sellar once said, challenge excepted
No traffic in bed!
Cause it's naughty directing it there!
The lies I have told in my time
In pursuit of an end so sublime
That I now laugh and gloat
And endlessly quote
How I bought Microsoft for a dime
There once was a horny old moose, Good (monday)morning all!
Who'd do anything, just for a goose
but his quests for a duck...
met with naught but a cluck
From a rather alarmed plat-y-pus.
nice one :-)
Today I am going to try
To greet everyone with a lie
It'll be such a whopper
You won’t see it’s improper
It's "My, you look nice, oh my my!"
I have just seen a long Chinese play
It lasted three weeks and a day
Now my bum is so sore
but I slept through one third
bugger siml-posts strikes again...
I really should have wore
Pink knickers and my fat butt toupee? what do I know, I wasn’t even there!
There once was a Chinese Chinese, (may one use the same word as adjective and as a noun?? Confucius would approve I’m sure!)
Who consumed chinese fleas with his peas
Which was fiendish, because
just by sweeping the floors
He filled up his spring rolls with ease.
There once was a strange type of fly
Which zipped down from shoulder to thigh
Revealing a torso
With no front, nor verso (sorry for the crappy rhyming)
a very strange insect, by and by. Naff I know but so what...
King Klaus can reclaim his old crown
and he did with a scowl and a frown
Unlike ol' King cole
Who just toyed wiyth his bowl
And enjoyed a good party in town!
Begorrah, 'tis St. Paddy's day! No offence to the Irish intended
(My apologies for the cli-shay)
There'll be drinking of Guinness Might as well kepp it going :)
There’ll be puking and illness (sorry!)
And a hangover for all of next day.
It's David's Day down here in Wales Really.
I bought my calendar, cheap in the sales
And I'm flying my flag
Lest my fervour should sag
I’ll fix it firm with a couple of nails? Ymddiheurwn am unrhyw anghyfleustra y mae hyn yn ei achosi.
She shivered when his hand touched her knee
Then recovered and quoted her fee
Which was four sticks of rock
and an old carriage clock
Three badgers and twenty-five pee
While whisking up Angel Delight (Marc) Ardderchog yw hwnna (Excellent, that). Phrasebook?
I gave all the angels a fright
By souring the mix
With two pheasant chicks [eeuw!]
And all had to take the next flight. [Rosie] No phrasebook, pure chance! (http://www.llgc.org.uk/)
There once was a chaste girl who said:
" I want to be chased into bed"
"Then chased up the aisle"
"(But chased with some style)"
"And, if not, chased with ardour instead"
A man's got to do, what his woman says,
Let's replay that in the correct rhythm as it's a first line ..
a'mouse - A man does what his woman says
Chalky - When his heart and his loins are ablaze
A man's got to do, what his woman says, ...please take it from here again, thx...
Whenever his heart and, his loins are ablaze
It cuts down on trouble
But leaves behind stubble [anonymouse/Chalky] I think the line does scan if you treat "woman says" as a feminine rhyme ("A man's got to do what his woman says", rather after the manner of "A marvellous bird is the pelican.
But it does mean players have to find something to rhyme with "woman says", which is arguably a bit of a mean challenge to set... as there aren't many rhymes for "woman" or "says".
anonymouse - if I'd wanted to post an 11- syllable line in a Limerick I would have done so and stretched even beyond sonnet metre. If you're offended then I apologise - helpful limer-rhythm hints have long been a feature of these games ... honest!
And then he will need a sharp raze -or
In order to drive out the blues
Lets order a vodka and juice We all must allow for the rule of 'cy pres'! (alternative ending on previous masterpieace, mening we must try doing our best, also pacing our fellow poets
I'll start again then .. and I promise to do my very very best
Chalky - It's high time you all went to see
The next pub, all drinks are on me! Sorry, my keyboard made an unexpected move ;-). My comment should have read: previous masterpeace (sic!), meaning we must all try doing our best, including pacing
For the barmaid's tattoos unfini...
Show two jugs full of booze
And she'll let you taste them for free!
In order to drive out the blues re-entering...
Let's order a Vodka and juice
four pints of Old Scrotum,
one shot antidotum
Nothing but sobriety to lose
Napoleon said to his men
”Don’t march like a newly screwed hen!” (sorry, maybe my translation is not exact...?)
"You must march upright"
"And only at night"
"And cluck when I tell you when."
Who my new doctor is, I don't know,
But nonetheless I'll boldly show
Where my problems lie Or should that be 'how'?
Whether low or high
For its either my eye or my toe
Subtract the first number you thought of
And you will get zero, or sort of
Then add what is left
With algebra deft
This defeats your average plus-four toff.
The youth of the heart, and the dew
Has left my back wet, déjà vu? Hi Projoy, nice line! http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiYOUTHART.html
And old age shall dry
The spit on my thigh The orange gore-tex please...
As maturity changes one's view
Collating statistical data
Concerning spontaneous stigmata
Is what I do best
Dressed in just pants and vest Beg pardon. I've used the line before, but it's a favourite.
And my fee is just barely pro rata
In day-glo bikini and shoes Warnings against drinking Lucozade at this time in the morning
Mrs Thatcher began to peruse Sorry, couldn't resist it
A bazaar in Bangcock
where she had the key for a lock
To unleash a large herd of gnus
Ted Heath was renowned for his views
To express which he'd never refuse
Took no sinecure up
with his keenness on Europe (Projoy) Is this what you were looking for? Happy to oblige. :-)
And that is the end of the news.
one bright Sunday morning in May
I heard Edward Heath try to say
"Oi! Get off my face!" [Rosie] Yes, much obliged to you. :)
"I'm trying to race!"
“Before you find out that I’m gay!”
An MP once said to his wife:
"I will not do 'This Is Your Life'!
But next day in the Sun
On page number 1
"My childhood was rough" claims were rife
Is hist'ry repeating itself?
By getting all news off the shelf ?
Again and again?
it all seems the same!
All gone is our News Fairy Elf? (... if she ever existed?)
There once was a virgin in Brest
Whose secret was hid 'neath a vest
She never removed it
But there was s surfeit
Of hair, so she covered her chest.
I met with a man in a tent
In the garden of England, or Kent
But the Medway's in spate
And he may become late (As in, "the late Arthur Dent".)
Cause I noticed his wiener was bent
I’m sure that I’ve lived once before
For circa ten years and three score
t'was the life of a monk
To such depths had I sunk
-- Reincarnation is really a bore!
My brain is beginning to hurt
As soon as I look up a skirt
While I lie on the floor
'cos from there you see more
I'm the most extreme kind of flirt.
Can I get fifty kilos of cheese?
In my handbag? I can if I squeeze
Add twelve boxes of wine ...party time?
A large 'Party' sign ... oh yes!
And thus make a trap for John Cleese
Go on - do your funniest walk!
The one where you make like a stork
And bring in a baby.
Or make one? (well, maybe....)
or is it no action and all talk!.
Don't ply me with gifts and strong drink!
They impede my ability to think!
That I’m witty and wise!
And I have slender thighs
And alcohol makes my breath stink.
We're one hour late and we’re free!
We defected from old B.S.T
Now the evenings are lighter [pen] GMT, shurely?
And our future seems brighter
So why can't we stick with C.E.T?
When something just doesn't make sense
It's best not to get too intense
Say "La la, don't care!"
Or say a li’l prayer?
It's much better to sit on the fence.
Few things leave me sadder than this:
It's too long since I last had a kiss :o(
and it's not halitosis Perish the thought!
Or unflattering clotheses
I guess Cupid's arrow did miss.
A miss is as good as a mile
A wink is as good as a smile
But a mink is as good
As a corduroy hood
And far more elegant in style.
There once was a miss dressed in mink
Beneath, she wore lingerie, pink
. She wore sandals of teak
On her face, a false beak
And a carrot where no-one would think!
There once was a parrot named Jack (Good line Uncle!)
And the toughest of nuts he would crack
But he swore like a trooper or schoolgirls on the top of a bus
, was a real party pooper
And was rough with the chicks in the sack.
Beware, cause soon it’s April fools day
And tricks upon you they will play
Putting salt in your tea
Playing reverse MC
And telling your mother you're gay
Not that I'm planning anything...
Its fun to get back at your mate
And set him up with a blind date
Who is genuinely blind
And hopefully don’t mind
Going halves on whatever you ate
I sense that I came here before
And hope you forgive and ignore
My latest faux pas
When I called your mama
A nag and quite frankly, a bore
There once was a fellow called Eric
A really exceptional cleric
He had just one vice
He was frightened by mice
So he ate them and that is barbaric ! (says anony-mouse!)
A ravishing woman in need
Is something to treasure indeed
But no mere hussy
Would ere be so fussy
'bout choosing with whom she should breed! Coat!!!
A secret held by Michael Grade
A drink that makes old maidens laid: http://www.expressmedia.co.uk/malcrfl/grade.htm
Try with Baileys, it works
And one of the perks
Is you're paid if you sprayed when she's splayed
I have time for the old BBC
And, yet, it has no time for me
Disillusioned by Hutton,
I'll push the 'OFF' button,
and then explode in a fit of joy and glee!!
The great thing about Channel 4
Is you know that you've seen it before And now on Channel Four...Friends....
This is Global, you know! ... not only Channel 4, also Chanel 5!
And our favourite show
Will be screened several times more
When sick, ill or poorly, one should
Get hold of a quarter, one could?
Whatever that means
In hot fever dreams
Be a fraction more to the good
When faced with a barrage of lies
And attempts to pull wool o'er my eyes
I'll start screaming, in Welsh
And then loudly belch
"Mae hi wedi cachi arna i"s!"
The languages spoken in Wales
, As one pulls from ones eyes certain scales,
Seem quite out of tune
With 'Au Clair de la Lune
Though singing when telling Welch tales
His name was Llywelyn the Last
And he spoke in Welsh - very fast
His demise, it was gory
But it made a great story
With choruses sung by the cast.
His last name, 'tis true, was Llewellyn
He was known as a renegade felon
'though Polish by birth
he lived on Welsh earth
Ball kicking, but loves honey melon (o)(o) ! Gareth or Chris Llewellyn?
She played with his balls every night ...new ball game...?
Even tho' her interest was slight
But she found that the perks
Of sleeping with berks
Made playing with balls quite all right.
The sock hops I hold in my shed
Has made all my neighbours see red
There's blood up the walls
and stains on my balls!
Next time I will make them co-ed
He was told by his dear Uncle Andy:
"My boy, I am feeling quite randy"
He ran off with a cry
When I bit his thigh
Cause he feared I was after his candy.
In search of a drink alcoholic
To make my pet terrapin frolic
I chancéd upon
Spiked tea from Ceylon
For which all claims are quite hyperbolic. Worth a try, though, I'm sure. :-) (Chalky) V. classy!
These stories are utterly false
I’ve heard from the rear of the horse false rhyme warning!
They're a load of manure (Marc) Yeah, difficult, but there is a rhyme for "false", which I'm saving for line 5, unless someone else gets there first.
And their rhythm unsure though somewhat dancing, Rosie?
It sounds like a hesitant waltz.
The night-clubs of old Budapest (anonymouse, Darren) through which flows the Blue Danube, of course.:-)
Won't let anyone in in a vest
The dress code's so strict
And guests are handpicked
But once in, you can then get undressed.
The most famous thing about York (that last one was great!)
Was his monstrous penchant for 'pork' (Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and whichever form of pork you fancy)
But he fell on his sword
Whene'er he was bored
And then stabbed his fat rear with a fork
One morning they'd breakfast in bed,
The next they would play being dead
On the third, they'd be silly
By smearing hot chili
all over, including his head. Hot stuff!
There once was a woman who wrote:
"You can't beat good sex with a goat.
"The foreplay's not great,
But the horn is first rate
(Hang on while I go get my coat)
although there were a few inviting alternative rhymes if anyone wants to take another shot at that line...
A dancer named Lionel Blair
Had a secret and torrid affair
With Samantha and Sven
And Bills randy Ben
It broke up 'cos they wouldn't share
There once was a dwarf named Bertie
Whose thoughts was not great, mere dirty
His grammar was poor
His mind so impure ;-)
Girls puked when he tried to get flirty
I've found, by experimenting
That good beer is made by fermenting
hops and pork chops,
Old, used heads of mops
but I did work for Watneys. (Repenting).
Barkeep! A pint of Red Barrel! [T,K,T,s,R] Excellent.
For my hot new date, Colin Farrell! ;o)
Make that four pints for me, ...it's monday morn...
(That'll sure make me wee!)
And some waterproof under-apparel
Would my underwear put out a fire?
Said Marion to Tuck, the Gray Friar,
My incontinence pants
Are alive with red ants
And held up with telephone wire
A Telephone Line...
Whilst sitting in a nest of red ants
He hoped she would take off her pants
But her circumspection
Killed off his erection
And put paid to to her hopes for infants
Bravo all above!
An odd-looking cowgirl named Wendy
Had legs that wer 'specially bendy (don't fight it)
Astride a large horse
She performed intercourse
With a cowboy undressed very trendy.
There once was a horse in the nude
Who lived in a field near to Bude
He frolicked all day
In a meadow of hay
Tap dancing all day in good mood. ( "In the Mood"? http://www.budejazzfestival.co.uk/ )
The stompers are grouping in Bude,
The stompers are grouping in Bude,..sorry, my mind was already there...
The things they are doing are lewd
with a muted trombone
and an old mobile 'phone
It's a wonder they've never been sued
I’m off for vacation today
Meaning all of you should say 'Hooray'
Cause we’re free to work hard
With little regard ... just who is writing this lim now? you? me? all of you? we? they?
For what pointy-haired bosses might say.
I've just had a bitch of a day (I'm sorry, but I really have....)
So please, someone, lead me astray
I yearn to be kinky
SLip into something slinky
and bang away on my Bishop, okay!!.
The Bishop looked down and then said:
Just what is that lying in my bed?
The actress replied
"It can't be denied,"
"Now put your mitre back onto your head."
”Your Holiness this is too much!" ...interesting subject...?
"I'm trying to watch Starsky & Hutch"
"Your bishop, you bash it"
"It's mine, it's an asset!"
"Just keep it away from my crutch!"
He raised his finger and said
"This digit is made out of bread"
"If you're sceptical, suck it"
I did, then threw up in a bucket
And that's how I ended up dead. Obligatory really!
She greased him in balm of Gilead
Then nibbled his earlobes indeed
But the cedars of Lebanon "eed"?
Rose 'round them both,(skip beat) tall and strong "But the cedars of Lebanon" ?
To climb them would need all the will 'e 'ad It rhymes. It scans, more or less.
One reason for hiding in cedars
Seems to have escaped Guardian readers ... well rescued Rosie
But the Times' editorial Inviting obvious rhyme
Is more lavatorial hook, line & sinker
With paper so soft, quoting our leaders. ..imagine Tony Blair on the loo…
As a limerick line this isn't particularly good
But who says it has to scan all the time Dude
There once was a sweet little nun Sorry st dog, trying at the best of my ability. What about you?
Gorged herself on a HUGE sticky bun i am just trying, marc.
Her wimple exploded
Her corsets eroded
For penance, ten thousand "Hail Mary's", now run.
This flattery might turn my head
Keep on and my face will turn red ...from choking?
I'd rather you went
To a Chinaman's tent
And screw up all the sheets in his bed Turning heads and screwing, ...it’s not Friday yet!
Last year was the year of the whores ...as the Chinaman said...
I can tell you, that opened some doors
Of brothels, mayhap?
(For some lucky chap)
Who tasted temptation live ne'er before
There once was a girl in Hong Kong
Who rode on her (w)horse all night long ..obligatory...?
When daytime would break,
Her backside would ache
Because she'd been riding all wrong.
What sort of riding was she doing? ...coat time I think...
What sort of verse are you pursuing?
It's not quite a limerick
Never mind, we'll give it a lick
And know good writing we're eschewing.
Cheese is nice but it can smell quite bad....
Like the Black-Belted Stilton I once had…
It walked to my plate
Its blue eyes filled with hate
And said, "You're a terrible cad."
A penguin can make a good pet
Except that it won't see the vet
Appetite voracious Cost you a bomb in fish.
Oh yes, goodness gracious
The shit will cause trouble you bet!
Her penguin loved drinks ‘on the rocks’
And quaffed them, in slippers and socks
He liked, more than most,
Champagne, and would toast
Antarctica! a land he now mocks.
There once was a Boxer named Stu
Who’d swept many floors, quite a few
He polished and scrubbed
So much, he was dubbed
And then swept ‘cross the floor by Baloo http://www.njboxinghof.org/cgi-bin/henryseehof.pl?73
there once was a mailbox quite red
Its owner was someone who said:
"Penny stamps cost a pound,"
"there's inflation around,"
I'll just send an email instead
Sorry! :(
Once a copper with a huge scabby nose
Danced the Tango with a lass with no clothes
Said the lass to the copper,
Treat me nice... but improper,
And I'll lend you my best pantie-hose.
Is it proper to finish and start?
Is it right to set fire to a fart?
Done both in my time
But now, in my prime,
I'll just sit and tuck into this tart
This tart tastes awful you know.
But it's good enough in a face to throw....?
It's messed up my grammar
P-plays havoc w-with my st-stammer
And makes terrible rumblings below.
Give me ALL of your chocolate cake
Or I'll poke out your eyes with this stake
It may sound extreme
That I love cake and cream
And use violence to get what I take.
The charm of the Icelandic sagas
are great but they drive me Banana's
Think of Noggin the Nog
Or Hoggin the Hog? (never ‘eard of ‘im though)
While you sit eating cod round your agas
Widey... 'Bananas' to rhyme with 'Sagas'??? AND witha greengrocer's apostrophe? Come ON!! And Bigsmith - if you ain't heard of it and had to invent it, why put it in? There was lots of opportunity for a realistic and genuine rhyme there. Pffft. It's obvious I have Quality Issues but I'll get off my high horse now. By the way - did you know the Icelandic grow their own bananas and mangos in glasshouses on the SW coast, heated by geothermal springs?
Wha'd'I do?!
She teasingly said with a smile: hi penelope and thanks, 'making waves' will hopefully help us all lifting ourselves to a higher level (if possible ;-)
"What you're doing is utterly vile" I think Penelope meant to chide Marc rather than Bigsmith. However, "bananas" (correctly punctuated) is in my opinion a perfect rhyme for both "sagas" and "agas", unless you're American.
"Please put it away"
"Without further delay"
"For its size, it just isn't worthwhile!"
A Lim'rick without any chat
Is better than chewing the fat
But the temptation's there [pen] So that's just one greengrocer then... Apostrophes aren't easy to use flippantly!
To leave the line bare [Tuj] I don't like to prostitute myself around several greengrocers, doncha know!!
But everyone frowns upon that [pen] Come and see how the other half live our lives...
Whilst waiting for water to boil,
after a very long day of toil
We just sit by the fire
Planning soon to retire
To a bath with some lavender oil.
It is better not to discuss
The state of Anne Widdecombe's truss
or John Prescott's pants
or Tony Blair's stance
Or the route of the 43 bus.
'Tis thrice thrice thrice thrice thirty days
Since I last made her eyes go all glazed
When I put the pear
In the orifice where
There's a gap in the midst of her stays
When I go digging in the road
If lucky, sometimes I find a toad (?)
Who teaches me scansion
and limerick tension
But rhyme is too hard to be know'd.
The story of the Piltdown Man
Is hidden unknown in this flan
Just one tiny bite
Turned out to be right
The fact he had no pension plan
”Some day I’ll return!”, said his wife
Said he: "Yeah! Not on your life!"
"You're only an ant"
And your humour is scant
and your farts I could cut with a knife.
There once was a man from East Fife (wife, knife and life all barred)
Where strange prohibitions are rife
But some are allowed!
Like Flogging a crowd??
And banning three words in our strife???
There once was a man in Key West
Who wore a spectacular vest
Sort of bloomy with flowers
arbours and bowers How's the toothy-peg, Rosie?
Which, unwashed, did not smell the best.
There once was a hole in the ground (e.g. http://pineapple.homestead.com/Musa.html)
From which came an unspeakable sound
It sounded a bit
Simulposted, rats. You have just been saved from It went "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm"
Like "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm", and it
Was uttered with menace profound. ... scary stuff
Chalky - once had to witness the birth
buggeration .... I'll start again
Chalky - I once had to witness the birth
Of triplets from a mum full of mirth!
she pushed and she squirmed
And grimaced and gurned
and she now has a much smaller girth. As one does.
Giving birth is a hard way to diet
as not many mums are compliant
Though they foreplay a lot…..
Shelling a tot
Then eat as to feed a huge Giant hm... I’ll make no remarks, I’ll keep quiet!
There once was a man with a bike,
Who managed the Penge Spud-U-Like
He'd deliver hot tatties
Turn clients into fatties
'Til all of them looked quite alike
I once went to play with an eel
but mistook it for a bull seal
I threw a big ball
on the eel it did fall
Then bounced to the seal – No big deal?
There once was a girl who could drive
The third green using wood number five
But when she started putting
Her partner was tutting
It's a wonder that he's still alive!
I've just spent a cool thousand quid
On a barrel of rum-flavoured squid
It tastes quite disgusting
Last time I'll be trusting
That cockney-ish twat next door, Sid!
There's a man down our way who sells beer
Just walked of the end of a Pier
You have one – then pee three
Go swim before tea [ZK - last line above ....fab!]
And know that your drowning is near.
”Keep swimmin’”, she said to her child
. "I'll teach you to git yer Mum riled!"
But the kid replied "Pish!"
"I'll do what I wish"
“Like you, at my age, running wild!”
“What’s that standing up?” said the Blonde,
As she dangled her toes in the pond
"It looks very silly"
As she kicked at a lily
”The bloomers I gave you, James Bond!” You never know the imaginative logics by Blondes…
A virgin once stood on a hill http://www.crystalinks.com/glastonburytor.html
And pranced naked by moonlight until
The dew-dampened grass
Saw this come to pass:
She lost what she had, with great thrill ....and now it's all gone!
A virgin once said to her mother:
I wish that I had a big brother
Because he could beat
A Bach fugue with his feet
Whilst I try to whistle another
I've been at the coconut oil Almost made a very embarrassing typo!
It sootheth my skin and my boil
But my palms and my soles
Are as red as hot coals
Since from the oil they didst recoil
Chalky - Have courage! Be brave and stay strong
You won't be stuck here for too long
There's a train on the way
Will arrive end of May
Singing the Thomas the Tank Engine song!
Screwing the last screw on the plaque
Fasten it better than using tack
The brass bits will shine
If rubbed with red wine
, fresh garlic and damp bladderwrack. *phew*
Take notice of what teachers teach
However, when old preachers preach
You can blithely ignore
Leaning back (please don’t snore!)
On your own private pew made of beech.
I've been stuck in here for a week
With a Spangle stuck to my cheek.... to those too yound to remember Spangles were boiled sweets.
It's beginning to burn - I remember them being chewy...
Both afront and astern
And my hormones are starting to leak. Spangles? Boiled fruit sweet, surely?
Opal Fruits, Sharp's Toffees and Spangles
Flared trousers, the Beatles, and bangles
Are things I keep hid
When I was a kid (oblig)
We never had such – we'd chew rubbles
She said underneath she was nude
I said, "Don't tell me, I'm a prude!"
But she had the pictures
Which had her in strictures
To see these, lots of men, they had queued.
It's sweet and it's made out of string
But I'm sorry - it's just not my thing
Instead, I use plastic
It's rather fantastic!
Please wait, a new hanger I’ll bring.
She once was so sweet I’ve been told
Which made her quite sticky to hold
The more that I licked,
The more that she kicked
And she bucked and she squirmed and she rolled. Mine's the mac, please.
The day I dug up an old jar
I found I was richer by far
When I rubbed it, a genie
Appeared with a weenie for our U.S. readers
All covered in feathers and tar
“Oh gosh what is this?” said my wife,
My draw-ers with kittens are rife!
“So I’m off to the store,”
To get rid of some more!
I said: "It'd be quicker by knife!" door...
The pride of all London's at stake
All based on a common mistake:
"The Olympics make money"
And "Ben Elton's funny"
And the system of transport will break.
She thought for a while and then said:
"The voices are back in my head."
She then clobbered Marc [who seems to be fixated by 'she']
(It's the ol' monthly lark!) ducks to avoid the Chalkwhip.
And dragged him back home to her bed. ..where she mended his now swollen head!
There once was a nun from Tibet
Who took an old yak to the vet
The prognosis was grim
They castrated him
Though the yak hasn't been seen to yet.
There once was a miss from Montana
Who wore a most striking bandana
Its colour suggested
Her hair was infested
in a most disagreeable manner.
There once was a man with a big
- I'm sorry! I meant to say brig -
that's a goal, to the wise Jail, Goal, Brig, Prison.
First he lives – then he dies(?) ...my summerhouse is called The Brig cause once there lived an old inmate...
My Brig has a two-masted rig. ...how did we navigate to arrive here…?
He sailed ‘round the world with no stop,
in a boat, he bought from a shop?????
However, a leak [widey] Bold text please
And a worrying squeak
Meant the trip, on the whole, was a flop.
Keep it simple, it seems to work well
Said a greybeard who lived in a dell
Just like me and my goat
We’re not rocking the boat
But we're making a terrible smell
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, just wrong
If only Jonathon King
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, and just wrong
If Jonathon King
carry on...
Had played less with the thing I'm safe saying this with so many police about, eh?
He’d written for leather and thong.
The words of this terrible song
Are meaningless, dire, and wrong
And if Jonathan King
Had played less with his thing
He’d finished it not before long
There once was a Lim’rick Police
Who gave orders to sist and decease
But he came unstuck
His apostrophe
damn - simulpost. After you Darren...
…when hit by a ----(wrooom)--Truck---->
[KH - you were also hit I guess ?]
And the correction brings no real relief.
A frenchman, by name Apostrophe
Had daughters called Fifi and Sophie - assuming he was meant to be "Apostrophe"
Really charming damsels
Loved to kiss their dick-cissels
A sparrow-like bird (Spiza Americana) native to southern Ontario
And a chap by the name of Annan, Kofi
A line of the times
That last one didn't quite work :-) - never mind, tomorrow's another day ...

If questioned, I don't give a damn

What the menu says; just give me spam!
and eggs with fries
and what six fifty buys
Including one pint and a giant Dram. (... Cheers all!)
It seemed as he’d slept in his suite,
He sure wasn't tidy or neat [Marc - did you mean 'suit' I wonder?]
...sure KH, it was that huge Dram causing my keyboard to slip... sorry ;-)
...then maybe you would like to rhyme otherwise?
It seemed as he’d slept in his suit
He sure wasn't tidy nor cute
But somehow he charmed
All those that he harmed
With a whack from his oversized feet / With a jig on his badly tuned flute
P.S. antiknees is ashamed of his unemboldened text. he blames ignorance.
Antiknees is forgiven...
...this time
"Look here" he said, with a grin
as he flashed at the girl in the gym
His camera was bright [antiknees] For help with your bold quest, look here: http://mustela.phyast.pitt.edu/basichtml.html
It's love at first sight
Please watch how I’ve trained my fifth Limb! …he took the next flight to Berlin…?
One night as she played her Violin
Something went "twang" deep within
"It's my G-string!" she thought loadsa rhymes 'ere... take your pick!
"The one I just bought"
"From that flea market back in Berlin."
She was bored, so moved up to a harp
Cause her chin had been formed kind of sharp(...by squeezing the fiddle)
The harp cut it flat
forming a gap!
The blood sounded 'Splat'; And she gasped her new gap like a carp.
There once was a party in Lerwick
With whiskey, beer and grilled Slippery Dick
DAMMIT. Why can't people come up with things that even *approximately* rhyme and scan? I seem to remember that "Lerwick" rhymes with words like "Eric" and "hysteric", not to mention place names like "Berwick". "Slippery Dick" is never going to be a rhyme, not even if you put the stress completely wrongly on the "er" of "slippery".

Sorry about the rant, but I just also read the truly terrible ending by one or two Wideys to the previous one, in which again all scansion, rhyme and sense were completely lost... You can get away with perhaps mildly stretching *one* of rhyme, scansion, sense and stresses on the correct syllable of the word, but not more than that - for instance, you can't ask for the stress on the completely wrong syllable of "slippery" to make a rhyme *and* interpolate an extra syllable into the rhyme (an "-erick" sound with an "-eridick") at the same time, especially not while already having to stress the completely wrong word earlier in the line (in this case the "and"). It just doesn't make sense. Not only is Willie Rushton swirling in his urn, the rest of the ISIHAC team would be doing the same or turning in their graves if they were in fact dead.

Rant ends.

Fiddler - There once was a party in Lerwick and let's try again properly this time...
Where I started to go quite hysteric adding a second line that actually works...
I threw a full glass
erm, I hate to break in here, especially since I completely agree with JLE, but Lerwick is pronounced Ler-wik, not Lerrik. Sorry and all that.
It hit some bird's arse (Watty) Yep, it's Lur-wick. But JLE is dead right. Some of this stuff is truly awful, considering that this site is not a chatroom for spotty herberts. You can't be witty all the time, but at least you can play in tune, so to speak. Nnnnngh!
I had to hide from her quick
Obviously there are as many opinions of what are correct (wittiest or most exact or what?) Limerick rhyme and meter as there are contributors to this marvellous site. Let’s all face this and let us continue to do our very best in our mutual efforts to have fun and to, eventually, create the most perfect Limerick that has ever been seen!
There once was a party in Lerwick
Where things started go quite hysteric
I threw a full glass
It hit some bird's arse
All night then her bottom I’d to lick
Sorry to interrupt your harsh mood but anyway…
...my humble effort to give the 'Lerwick'-one a happy ending is way out of tune!
Let him without wit cast first line, http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/845.html
The lack of wit can be a sign Let's not descend into more scansion wars. The way I see it is, if you're getting annoyed by one game, then just play another instead. That's what I do these days.
of mind now far gone
With a nice butter'd scone ;-) - I'm on the fence about this one. Scansion wars definitely suck, but although there are a lot of opinions about what makes a good limerick, that doesn't mean there is no convergence, and that all conventions can safely be ignored. IMO, a good limerick is a successful interplay between form, coherence and humour - it's not necessary for all to be perfect and sometimes the one or the other takes precedence, but if all three are weak, why bother? And while it's true players can just look the other way for a while if the quality descends below their personal threshold, sometimes that means witty people don't bother to post any more and the enjoyment of the whole community can degrade a bit.
Definitely with Porojoy on this one, as I've often found myself substituting a less witty line for one that remotely scans, or even (horrors!) moving on without posting, which some seem loathe to do. Oh, and Rosie's point on "Spotty Herberts" is superb!
But the nurses all say I'll be fine
The courage to lurk and not post
Is managed quite swift by the most ...the cowards who lurk....?
Disgusting of beasts
(namely Jesuit priests) [Rosie] 'chatroom for spotty herberts' Love it :-)
who fear naught but the Holy Ghost. (Chalky, Tuj) You're very kind. I had thought the term might date me, but it seems to live on. :-)
There once was a world with no oil
No more could farmers till their soil Hi all! You've been very busy this weekend!
With tractors but horses
Applied all their forces
To replace it with all day long toil.
Tomorrow's the Transit of Venus
To miss it would really be heinous
From where I am standing
I can see the branding
A good tan I'll get as a bonus
There once was a girl with no luck
Although she was not short of pluck almost oblig
So she'd stand on the street Where will this lead...?
and the men she did meet
Would find themselves short of a buck.
I'm pressing the button marked "Panic"
Because the last verse was Satanic
They've issued a fatwa
I'll be boiled in a vat. Waah! Not easy, that, Raak.
[Rosie] Poetic necessity, I'm afraid.
Oh, Heavens! It's made me quite manic.
I once knew a lady from China. Help yerselves.
In swearing she trained her Hill Myna
This most vocal bird
Could quote Richard the Third
I've not seen a rendition finer.
Having partaken of a wee tipple. Yep, it's the same ploy as before.
an event that makes barely a ripple So you tell me. :-)
I like to find girls
With cute little curls Really!
Then try to get hold of a free nipple. …shame on you Darren!
There once was a girl, oh so daring!
With dresses much flesh she was baring
Her gossamer thong
To put on, took too long
so certain parts got a good airing.
At school I was most fond of Rugger Yep, still employing the same shameless tactic I'm afraid.
I earnt the nickname of "Tugger" [Thrax] Oh yes indeed!
When deep in the scrum
I'd never be glum
With my nose in the arse of ‘Fart Slugger”.
There once was a snobbish old fart
Who married a stuck-up young tart
But at the reception
her clever deception
convinced them she was all heart.
Some clams, that were quite indiscreet,
Would swap naughty jokes about feet
The toes they'd call smelly
belonged to Grace Kelly
,And Ginger, in "Follow the Fleet".
I felt that I started to wilt
The moment I looked up his kilt Sorry, sorry, sorry. It had to be done.
Beneath, was a mob
And the gay pooftah Bob,
Who'd immersed it, right up to the hilt Coat!
That was worse than I ever feared it would be. Shame on you all.
It came to me, all in a flash
A new way to make mountains of cash
Now my pimp I will call, (simulposted:That Scots, underneath, has a ‘lash’)
He can shove it all
where the Customs men look for his stash. Ouch.
Oh, bugger. Forgot:

A trick you can do for your friends
Involves unbelievable bends
And if properly mastered, I'm gonna force one o' you into an expletive if if it's the last thing I do!
by someone not plastered, Zounds! He would provoke profanity, the boundah.
You never will know how it ends.
There once was a maiden in Ealing
So tall she could head-butt the ceiling.
And thus she would duck, Indeed, Rosie.
And make her back ruck
Till her spine had lost all sense of feeling. Non-obscene limerick achieved!
Each morning, at half past the hour,
I make pancakes from eggs, milk and flour
I give them a toss
thus causing their loss
And till noontime the floors shall i scour.
Well would you believe it, those French
Woke up while we slept on the bench
In just a minute
They managed to win it
But our thirst for revenge we will quench
Hopefully this tournament, not something pathetic like Olympic shooting or somesuch!
Alas two-one down but not out
Of Portugal yet; there's no doubt
As a Swede I am proud! 5-0 against Bulgaria!
But lets hope the crowd
Will behave lest we get flung out!
This "football" of which you all speak
Is to my ears, sad to, say, all Greek.
I know it involves fighting
Kicking butts and some biting
And is likely to go on all week.
A week of Des Lyneham's too much!
but better than soaps out of touch!
But still, we'll ban sport.
Instead we will cavort !
hello?
hi pat
And skip (in your bed?) Double Dutch
Last night as she went to her bed,
Jade Goody thought hard and then said:
"Now, I ain't usually frugal"
"But I sleep with Dougal"
"Whilst Hamish is locked in the shed"
"Insert Strap B into Slot C"
I did, with smiles and with glee
But Tab A fell apart
Now I must restart
From D and I’ll follow plan B.
She’ll sail in a while with the tide, all aboard?
Shipshape, and her crew: Watch their pride!
Its so painful to think
Of the fearful stink
As the crew throw up o'er the side
I must have a triple espresso!
Mocha, latte, frapachino
My caffine is low
(Macchiato to go)
And I’ll have a huge Curacao! http://www.curacaoliqueur.com/pages/recipes.htm
He said, “Well it’s Irish for me”,
As we seem to be hooked on coffee
and strong beer and fags
Are used by old hags
It helps the complexion, you see.
There once was an Angel in Hell, Heavens Devils?
Who calomine lotion did sell
For skin that is burning
, cryogenically yearning
For some sort of Freeze Spray as well.
It seems that all cars sport a flag
Or remains of an old washing rag
They've all got a red cross
But who gives a toss?
The ghost of General Braxton Bragg? Defeated by Grant in the battle of Chattanooga (1817-1876)
There once was a Cho in Chattanooga,
whose favourite confection was nougat. Steam engines can burn anything. :-)
It got all hot and sticky
And looked a little tricky
But it still ran as fast as a cougar.
It always rains for Wimbledon
So ladies keep your wimple on.
It's raining on Centre Court 1
Our great sporting summer's begun!
Still, the Roo did us proud
But screamed very loud
When he that Martina had won
When he HEARD that Martina had won?
There was a young fellow called Rooney
Whose ears were stuck on by a loony
His skull was quite hollow
So when he went to swallow
The head rush made him go quite swoony
Oh, finish my marmalade, please!
I now have a preference for peas
I eat them with honey
Which makes them taste funny Oblig. Sorry Mr Belloc
But don't shoot out my mouth if I sneeze Not oblig. Sorry everyone!
I shall die all alone in my bed
With a postage stamp stuck to my head
Waiting for the Holy Ghost :o)
Who I like the most
But I'll settle for St Peter instead. Backs away waving incense and making sign of the cross, etc, etc...
I’ve run out of my e-mailing stamps,
And who stole my cut-and-paste clamps?
And where's my click wand?
(of which I am fond)
. My Recycle Bin - raided by tramps!
Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear
My undies have washed o'er the weir
And now they've got tangled
in a device so new-fangled
that provides endless glasses of beer.
Tim has got through to the quarters
Will there be an opponent he slaughters? ...ever? Nope, do it the hard way please!
Perhaps it's Sir Cliff
(He with the quiff)
And a penchant for railway porters
I have a confession to make
The prospect of which makes me quake What can this be?
I'm really your mother
'Tho I look like your brother
and these 38D's are quite fake.
[C, R, R, S, K] Disturbing. Oh well. Moving quickly on...
Why can't we have kippers for tea?
Freshly plucked direct from the sea?
Paint them brown (BFK) (BFK = Brown For Kippers, a standard colouring ingredient.)
Serve with bread on a tray
Don't hog them - leave plenty for me!
A rumour is going around
That Dubya said something profound
It's just propaganda
But it does make you wonder
If his feet are almost on the ground... Nah...
There once was one Linesman too much,
Who cried when the ball was in touch
The hue that ensued,
Led to language quite rude
Thankfully, spoken in Dutch
Despite having four hours to spare
Before their flight took to the air
They still turned up late
, Got stopped at the gate,
Though no-one really seems to care Mercy!
Once upon a time in the west,
A cowpoke was washing his vest
He used best manure
Which he'd always procure
From The Man With Bullshit On His Chest [a.k.a. Clint Eastwood]
You really must make up your mind
Before I grab at your behind
Or other protrusions
I might leave contusions
You see, I'm not that refined.
A chicken, when lacking a head [C,D,S,R,R] Bravo: one of the best for a while!
Is likely to hop 'til it's dead eeuww but true! [Tuj] thanks :-) they was good wasn't they?
which proves that its brain
while beginning to drain
Is thinking of skipping instead
I'm trying to learn all my lines
Err...prompt!
And in danger of incurring fines
The thespians art
Of stifling a fart Sorrysorrysorry
From the hole out of which the sun shines
"Please fondle my buttocks," he said
"Then slap them with fresh soda bread"
But instead, I grabbed hard
and rubbed them with lard!
And watched as he slid out the bed!
A suitcase contains many things So that's what you all get up to, is it?
Like toilet rolls, butter and springs
But you'd best leave it locked
and not at half cocked!
Just see what the chambermaid brings.
There was a young lass from Jakarta
Took a pint of good gin just to start her Apologies, oblig!
To finish her off
A cocktail Molotov
Was exchanged in a strange kind of barter
We’ve got the weather we deserve, ...we have?
And all because God had the nerve at the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious [altho' nothing surprises me in this game] UNFINISHED SENTENCE ALERT ...'
To take a day off
'Cause He had a bad cough
and leave us with Thor (first reserve).
The first thing you see in Valhalla
Are Vikings dressed up for a Gala
The men in nice frocks
With cross-gartered socks
Think nothing of mimicking Mahler ...taking the second of the 2 rhyming options
There was a great cat called Sylvester
'pon whose skin monstrous boils did fester
This great suppuration
-- viscous, pustuled libation --
Was caused by a visit to Chester.
A big killer whale named George
Whose fav'rite game was Cheddar Gorge
While eating some krill
said "this makes me ill"
'And causes my bowel to engorge' ...assuming whales *have* bowels. Even if they don't, at least I ended the damn thing *pats self on back*
To start with I need to point out
My left foot is swollen with gout
To astonishing size
It might win a prize
- A year's worth of claret and stout. ouch!
A sinister beast is the spider (pen) Ouch indeed. :-)
She's got miles of thick rope coiled inside her
So best to ensnare
little beasts in her lair
Replacing a health care provider
My horny Aunt Heather once said:
I'd rather be single than wed
But don't push your luck
Or a railway truck
Or soon you will wish you were dead
oops -
There was a young man from Okehampton (...back to a more traditional opening)
Who made the front page when he camped on unfinished sentence alert
the M25 Everyone should be alert. The country needs lerts.
by Chalfont St Giles. Mmmm, tough leave Rosie!
with (wait for it) Lucinda Lambton. (Snodders) Can't see the problem. Anything ending in -ive would do.
There once was a man writing verse , . [Rosie] but it had to scan with your short line 3!
All rhymes that he knew were perverse
To the innocent ear
They sounded quite queer
But seemed quite straight-laced in reverse
The mysteries of quantum mechanics (Snodders) Well, it's got 5 sillybubbles, which is about par. Don't want to start a fight, BTW. Yes, I do. :-)
Drove Einstein himself into panics
Cause he knew… but we don’t
That some particles won't
Listen to tunes by the "Manics"
Said Ringo, "I know what to do!"
In addition to counting 'One, Two!'
'These drums I will thrash'
And pocket the cash [Rosie] OK ok, it looked hard anyway!
And read Thomas the Tank Engine too.
Late last night, I lay in my bed
As a nightmare flew over my head
Who will it frighten? Well, grab me by the incubus
I felt myself tighten
'Calm Down Dear' the white haired man said .Everyone a Winner
I hear Nancy is throwing out Sven
They're all just the same. Bloody men!
Their cock's rule their heads!
Just screw – without threads,
They just don't understand us at all, these wo-men.
For breakfast I had two boiled eggs
To steady my long, wobbly legs
Unfortunate-ly [Software - you takin' the p*ss?]
Twenty cups of green tea
have reduced my digestion to dregs. (Chalky) W.S.Gilbert lives!
Whilst list'ning to the Mika-do
My cake mix flopped - needs thicker dough. (Bigsmith) I'll get you for this, you bastard. :-)
So I added some flour
And in just half an hour
My gateau was ready to go.
While practising scales on the 'cello (Snods/Raak) Blimey, that was quick. Have you got your own domestic blast furnace, or something?
In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
Strange sounds from above
One string snapped with a "twang" Great 'cello-playing cartoon on page 13 of this week's Private Eye
Shit - simulposted. Thought that couldn't happen on here. Ignore me.
Of erroneous love
'Twas the music of love (Bigsmith) It always happens when you think you've got a brilliant line, doesn't it?
(Sorry Celare - didn't see you in there - let's have a full recap:)

While practising scales on the 'cello
In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
Strange sounds from above
Of erroneous love
Have left me decidedly mellow
My 'cello string snapped with a "Twang!"[Per Bigsmith: it seemed too good a line to waste]
And my music stand collapsed with a "Bang!"
I let out an oath (Bigsmith) Saw the cartoon. :-)
About string and stand both
and kicked out at the bucket with a clang
Pray sing out with voice loud and clear!
And fill lowly peasants with fear.
As the hunt comes a-trampling
On poor Charlotte Rampling
And gives her a flea in her ear!
The holiday season is here
The time for sand, sea and beer
And drizzle, and fog
Campsites like Bog,
-nor Regis when rain clouds hang drear.
finally drawing a line under the -ear /-eer rhymes
Chalky - Resplendent in tangerine satin
I tango'd my way round Prestatyn oh what a picture that paints...
My partner, Miguel
, the Argie from Hell
, Just couldn't quite dance like a Latin...
Last Tango in Southend-on-Sea
a film I just don't want to see
It's nothing but dross
With Matt and Luke Goss (remember them? I bet you wish you didn't)
A mark out of five? Minus three.
And talking of towns on the coast
They say (though they don't like to boast)
That Yarmouth's the place
For black satin lace
And mushrooms and baked beans on toast.
When paying a visit to Durham hoho
I realised there's no rhyme for Durham Let alone two.
And so I left Durham
(A nice town that, Durham)
And ended up in Dover, which is vile.
Enough of this nonsense. Back to proper limerickese.
I once met a man with three legs
Who pushed out a basket of eggs
I said, "Hello, tripod", I can only think of one rhyme
"are you man or god?" was that the one?
And ended up in Dover, which was nowhere near as nice as Durham
An angel approached me and said:
"Permit me to point out you're dead"
"Your mortal life ended"
"Your ways you have mended" I still think the other place is more interesting.
So well send you to Durham instead
Ahem - "So we'll send you to Durham instead." Ay thang yew.
In Darlington, Durham and Dover
The law has a precedence over
The wearing of heels
But Judge often repeals
If promised a lay in the clover
One night on the beach down in Bognor
Recalling my visit to Durham
I thought of Prestatyn
and Winterbourne Abbas Anarchy in the UK
And all of the time spent in Ais Gill
There was a young man from Prestatyn
Who wore on his head a gold paten
When asked to describe
The drinks he'd imbibe
He slurred he will never leave Durham
Tonight I will take her, I swear, (To Durham, where else??)
To Durham, with wind in her hair
We'll get the eight-thirty
Get deep down and dirty
If anyone sees, I don't care ;-)
I've got to leave old Durham town
Opp north is getting me down
I'll head West-South-West
Wearing naught but a vest
And arm bands in case that I drown
While heading t'wards Stratford-on-Avon
, that well-known cultural haven
I stopped off in Warwick
To meet poor old Yorick (oblig., and thank you)
And paused for a pint in "The Raven".
There once was a writer called Poe
Who found it so hard to say "No"
His stutter got worse
Then he'd start to curse
He still wrote classic prose, though.
Oops, add a 'some' in after wrote...
He still wrote some classic prose, though.
Will Smith saves the world (yet again)
His heroics will drive us insane
Does no-one but me unfinished rhetorical question alert!
Eschew going to see
Bloody "Men in Black III"? What a pain!
I once stopped in Bangkok for the night
But left back to Durham with next flight (A short stay....)
Landed at Luton as you would
Put a new suit on [Fiddler] Is that the one-syllable pronunciation of Durham?
Like me it was a little too tight. (having to squeeze the extra syllable in to make it scan)
I've been staying oop north for two weeks
To study some birds with two beaks
Whilst quite advantageous
I find it outrageous
The language the two-beaked birds speaks ...a foul language not worthy to be published, not even here!
A chick may say no, meaning yes
But heed caution, nevertheless
For the cock, in his ardour
Tries all the harder
And it ends in a helluva mess
In Bolton, there lives a strange man
Who claims Jesus was born in Japan
And Mohammed was Greek
Tony Blaire smart and chic
And Bernard Levin a very nice man. Sadly missed
"Man" rhymed with "man"? Very odd.
Beware of the lim’rick cop squad [Darren: they may also count syllables so run while you can!]
If fault's found with your scansion
Their cellblock needs expansion (to get room for all sinners, including yours truly)
The trouble is some MC's patrol the scansion and the rhyme so closeley that you would think that when it comes to Limericks that they were God. 'nuf said.
See me! Watch me scan, pun and rhyme! *smug*
Though constrain'd to rhythm and time!
Like a well-crafted clock
Where tick follows tock
So make mine a Vodka and Lime . The sun is over the yard arm I assume! [Software] Give my regards to Belloc
There was a young fellow from Streatham "strettum"
Who cut off his testicles and ate 'em
a man with no balls
Makes squeaky phone calls
[merely a comment - I cannot do line 5] (plump) That's uncanny! I put up the same first line about 2 yrs ago in MCPants and the 2nd line was "who cut off his bollocks and ate 'em". Was that you? An even more shameless recycling than mine, and, ahem, it scans a bit better. :-)
But offers a pouch for a gem? [Play on kids, throwing sand in the eyes makes no one happy!]
His sex drive had started to wane
When he'd finished the case of champagne
So he had 3 Viagra
Leapt over Niagara
And had sex again and again.
The Queen dropped the Orb & the Sceptre
And deserted the people who'd kept her
she romped off with a lad
Twice as old as her dad
'cos at sex older men are adepter. Oh yes we are.
While recycling a piece of old glass [Rosie] I think it must have been so good a line my brain filed it away.Cannot be sure who posted it last time.
A heard a voice say, "what a farce!"
If it's brown, green or clear
It should not be put here!
Your glass belongs to the whiskey-class.
Today I'll buy me a used submarine, http://www.b-americanboats.com/whiskeysub.html
Including a deep-diving sex-machine
So diving for muff
Will not be so tough
as trying to persuade people that scansion is an essential ingredient of a Limerick - know what I mean?
So fuck off good scansion – you know what I mean?>[Rosie: Why destroying an almost finished limerick just to try teaching us common amateur poets something that you don’t respect yourself? Very bad manner in my humble opinion]
He once found a Rose on the heath
A mutant that sported sharp teeth
So for gnawing the bark [Rosie & Marc] Calm down dears, its only a bit of fun
Of itself, in the dark
He nibbled her buds underneath.
One day as he mounted his horse
The muse suddenly struck - "But of course!"
"To straddle a saddle"
"I must use a paddle"
"Some soap, a small fish and The Force™"
While trying to get through to my bank
To cash my check for a million Swiss Franc(tough to match your excellent scansion Rosie;-)
I got music on hold all too true, unfortunately :-(
And grew very old
Before I realised that you can't cash cheques over the phone

sorry - couldnt resist....


"Please press "star" key now twice and then hold"
By an anomyous voice I was told
This nameless deciever
                                                        sorry, meant to preview not submit. :(
I’m an asshole and need a good spank!
I haven't been here for a while
She said donning a satisfied smile
It all looks quite strange
It seems quite a change
But a Miss is as good as a mila
She read Kama Sutra, then said:
"Can you wrap both your legs round your head?"
I said, "Yes, and what's more, (dangling quote warning)
"I can spin on the floor"
She said, "that'll do, let's get wed".
The wedding went off with no hitch
'Cos both sides were equally rich. Ooh, cynical!
But soon it turned sour ,Cant you just see line 5 coming
For they differed in power
And she returned to her mother, the bitch! Satisfying Snod's prediction
I would just like to point out that the line above, to whit: "I'm an asshole and need a good spank" was not written by me and I would kindly ask whoever it was to not do that again.
Whilst walking the streets late at night
In my stilettos and miniskirt, tight Why not?
A copper approached me (Softers) I wouldn't try that in Croydon.
And offered a small fee
And showed me his helmet so bright . [st dog] Well whoever it wasclearly wanted to make a statement and it looks like it was true
There once was a cute little pup
So small he could fit in a cup
A pygmy chihuahua - [snodgrass] It would appear now that you are actually coming out with it and saying you think I am an asshole ? This is not really in keeping with the etiquette of this forum, and if you really took exception to my limerick line that seemed to have sparked the comment I would say you have a singular lack of humour. Also I would say "fuck you" but I won't, because that would not be in keeping with the etiquette of this forum. Watch your mouth.
Barking like a (mad) cacadua [st dog] Maybe you are not a real asshole but you certainly acted like one entering that lunatic 'phone'-line. Go wash your mouth!
How I wished he would shut the ^&*% up
To steal someone's "handle" is base
The forum police must give chase [St Dog] You misread my comment. It was the handle-napper who I was referring to as being deserving of the attribution of the term 'asshole'. They had made the comment disguising themselves with your handle but inferring the monika to themselves. I'm sorry if you took offence but you really didnt need to.
For we're a happy, brave few
There is me, him and you
Plus the assholes - but they're a disgrace.
*Phew* - what a relief that the misunderstanding has been unmisunderstooded.
"Disgusted" of Tunbridge Wells, Kent (Chalky) Unmisunderstanded, surely?
Where "A Room With a View” is for rent or have I unmisunderstanded your intentions?
These insinuations
Will hamper relations No Bushisms here please. Maybe the germ of a seed of an inkling of an idea for another game?
(Well, I hope so, for that's my intent)
snodgrass] well in that case I am very glad I didn't say "fuck you". Sorry for the confusion but it wasn't clear and seemed mightily unprovoked......ho humYou're an asshole and so is your horse
ooops!
You're an asshole and your horse is one too
This we’ve heard from the mouth of the whores assuming 'You're an asshole and so is your horse' is the line to be rhymed in best possible scansion mode....? Or if you like, replace it with: As was writ on the door to the loo....
Tho' Arse-hole we say o'er here
This one has lost its thread a little I fear. Yes the second one didn't really scan too well. Crivvens. What to do ? Lets start it again with a completely new line
My horsey's upset and offended
The mare, which it had intended
Now she'll have no truck
With the amorous buck
So sadly this Limerick ended. Alternatively for us whoresmen: Her ass though still looks very splendid.
You shouldn’t jump over the fence,
He said to a child who was dense
For you know not what
A deep pit I have got (the child had just jumped into his garden you see, and had landed in a large pit that the man had dug. It loses something in the explanation I think.)
Now I'm afraid that your corpse I must flense Because once in the pit this maniac has dug in his garden, stunned from the unexpected drop and helpless to ward of the mad neighbour's intentions, the child gets subjected to a "Silence of the Lambs" moment, dies a horrible death and becomes an Item of secret fetish-wear. You're right, it does lose something, doesn't it?
Kidnapped, drugged then dropped in my pit
It upset my schedule, a bit
Still, I did escape
To commit one more rape
'Cause I'm an insensitive git.
[Fiddler] not nice, and not even funny ...
Now let's all just cool off for a while [Chalky] No worse than child-skinning, surely? Hang on, I did that one. Much worse, I agree.
And rest while we wash off the bile
And the phlegm and the snot
I'd much rather not
For I'm base and I'm bad and I'm vile.
When learning the rules of a game
Let bad html take the blame
Ooh, she's so bold!
The learners she'll scold
Be kind to us please, it's a shame
Let fantasy flow we proclaim! [Chalky]...please remember our lines are not necessarily fiction, they may very well be, but you'll never know .... ;-)
Once Ella sang jazz with the Duke, (whoops, sorry folks, please see my unintentional 6:th line above as an alternative ending…)
She duetted with George on the uke
Her "Do-Be-Do-Doos"
They could never refuse
Now they're trapped in the ole’ box of Juke.
Today it is Monday - at last
By gum, you got that line in fast while I was "previewing" as it 'appens.
Hurry up! Time is flying!
My brain cells are dying!
And that's how every Monday is passed. (but that it were true)
'Tis Tuesday! A whole bright new day!
With Friday just three days away
And the full-moon is bright
and up there all night
Its just clouds that get in the way
Now Tuesday is almost all spent
Well it is if you live near to Kent - which I don't, you GMTist swine.
So let's give a cheer
And get out of here
I've given up Wednesdays for Lent NEXT!
Today is named after Wodin except on the Continent where it's named after element no. 80.
That's something that softies write code in Not in The Netherlands - Woensdag is
And Wodin, you see
Is hanged to his knee
So for some poor sod trouble is Bodin'
Well tried on that last limerick
Let’s hope that it gives us a kick (Rosie probably wants to kick my butt so I’ll try to stay away for a while…)
For Thursday is here
Time for a beer!
But not so much that we are sick.
Not for the first time I'm here
On the plus side: look, Friday is near!
with a full weekend ahead
And black silk-sheets in my bed
Soon we'll put ourselves in first gear!
One Friday (quite soon) I think that I will
On leaving work, put my hand in the till
To finance my fun
While I go on the run
I'll never get caught if I bung the Old Bill!
Two days free, so what shall I do?
Visit Blackpool, or far Timbuktu?
Alas, I am skint
Please give me a hint
How rude! And the same to you too!
Foucault's Nietzschean Historiography
Is a bloddy good read when you're lonely
But for those who have friends
Well, we know how it ends
- in a maze of verbose sub-pornography
But Durkheim, of course, is much clearer
In claiming that orgasm's comes nearer (sorry, my French isn't that good, maybe he meant organs?)
Using specialist aids
And a system of grades
that suited that buttonned-up era.
My Grandfathers clock has got tics
Which explains his success rate with chlicks (cloat.ha ha)
It also has fleas
And arthritic knees
But its name is Captain Hicks.
The trouble with women in cars ,Not going anywhere you understand
Is really they’re driving like stars Alternative ending of last one: The reason it strike and not kicks!
In Venus-like fashion
A shame they keep crashin' tortuous final syllable pronunciation required
Into men driving back from their bars
She was finding it hard to deny it
'Cos she knew that her drivin' was shy-it
So she let actions speak
And drove up the creek
and flooded the engine and had to walk-it!
There once was a lim’rick molester,
Named Widey, whose arse ought to fester,
His lines would not scan,
He rhymed like my gran,
Whose dyslexic verse made all detest her
If ever you have to submit
Make sure that you’ve poof-read your wit
For there's little that's worse
Than to feel a bit hearse
And everyone else calls you sh... bad.
Obvious I know, but I swallowed my pride
“Dear Sir, I have never been kissed,”
Said the young matchstick-seller to Lizst
"Not a lot, my young sir"
Though my looks cause a stir
But my moustache makes most men resist
I know this sounds weird but it’s true
I keep a bright turquoise cuckoo
The first day of each spring
It endeavours to sing
The entire score from "Cat Ballou"
Andrew Lloyd Webber's a brilliant man
And he keeps as a pet, a scarlet toucan
Called "Beaklight Express"
It will always impress
Far more than his musical scores ever can.
Don't look at me! The scansion was f*cked anyway ...
:-)
:-)
:-)
Chalky - Today I shall swear with rude words
Such as "frumjittle yaxlifrous knurds!"
And this precedent
Will surely cement
my status 'mongst top foul-mouthed birds. Dreadful sorry, m'dear; couldn't resist it.
Insults are all part of the game
That line is so bad and too lame ;-)
So turn up the heat
Make y'r enemies bleat
And give them back more of the same.
They say it's a form of respect
When by magpies you're violently pecked
For an avian mob
It's just part of the job
They don't care if your features are wrecked
Whatever became of Cock Robin,
I hear you cry, wailin' and sobbin'.
Well, don't look at me!
Don't do archeree
Just try feel the beat, get the throbbin’. Well, don’t blame me, blame Chalky, Darren or Merriam-Webster's!
There once was a redheaded blonde
Of whom I was terribly fond
Her green brown grey eyes
And roan skewbald thighs
Made me ask if she'd like to abscond.
The loveliest lady I know
Is a tranny called 'Leg-over Flo'
What she'll do for a pound
Will amaze and astound
But the therapy after will cost though
My wife’s wearing spurs – in our bed,
There's an odd wire thing on my head Well, a guy gets simulposted, what dost thou expect?
And I don't know whether
we should get it together
With the guests or each other instead *deploys coat*
The problem with most politicians
Is their penchant for loose coalitions
They plan and they plot
And care not a jot
When spending our bank depositions.
My taxes so gladly I'll pay,
If you'll take Michael Howard away
Call men in white coats!
While he cackles and gloats
And makes like he's god's gift next May. 2005. Nah - surely not. He won't really WIN, will he?
A serious lot are the Swedes
Much given to wearing of Tweeds
They hammer and screw (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
and turn the air blue (Assembling those IKEA furniture)
with fumes from the smoking of weeds.
A frivolous lot are the Welsh
For scansion is left on the shelf
The same goes for rhyme
And tune, most of the time
And drinking on Sunday's I'm told
The Welsh are a frivolous lot - let's try that last idea out in a way that can actually be rhymed without recourse to the Star Trek Klingon Dictionary™
For their clothing they care not a jot! True. I wrapped one in tin foil today.
They can often be seen Curse that simulposting!!
in peninsular Lleyn (Bif) Yes, but we are deeply frivolous. There's a difference, inni' aye.
Knitting sweaters from seaweed and snot. http://www.lleynsheep.com/
Believe in your faith and you’ll see, Also a humble apology to all honest, frivolous but hard-working Welsh women and men!
The Welsh dragging snot from the sea
It gets caught in their rowlocks
And then removed by their cox
who sells it to tourists. Tee-hee!
welsh sea snot] I take it that you guys just stumbled upon that one ? Or have you perhaps tried Lava Bread ? para 7. Its basically seaweed/algae or similar and they mix it with oatmeal and make little cakes with it fried for breakfast. Marvellous stuff, though in it's pre oat added form it looks like a big pile of darkish green MUCAS.
Make that 'mucus', st d ;o)
I bake cakes with the stuff in my nose
With a pinch of jam found 'twixt my toes
And then sprinkle some
Of the fluff from my tum
It's good as a cure for all woes -- probably because once you eat this all your other problems will seem small in comparison :)
He nibbled her earlobe, then said: (all this food-talk makes me hungry...)
"Can I put some of this on my bread?"
She said, "Cut that out!"
"Or your ear I will clout!"
"You can't, 'S been eaten, You've fed!"
She served him a hot pie in bed, ...more food, now breakfast...
And rubbed warm goose grease on his head don't ask me where that came from
But in places below an oportunity for depravity, perhaps?
Whee no foodstuffs should go
Where Bugger, sorry..
He was subjected to leeches and bledThis sounds like a Michael Winner film
Well if that's what you think, I don't care!
I don't give a jot for your stare
Be off with you, fool
And as for your tool
, well, must cause you the greatest despair.
I once knew a farmer who said:
"O'ive no problem wi' rain on me 'ead"
"Now get orf me land"
"W'your marchin' band
"Or my roifle will soon make you dead." a happy end for that one!
Dear Father, please send fifty quid.
'Though I can't bear to say what I did
Don't ask any questions
About nasty infections You can tell that the University students have gone back cant you?
And d'you know a good name for a kid?
rofl at that last one...
It happened in old Monterrey
While enjoying the bracing sea spray
Due to great land erosion My geography is fairly poor, but isn't Monterrey inland? ;-)
If Toutatis had hit...
And my ships huge corrosion Noah made it inland didn't he (?) and my yacht is made of glass reinforced plasics but what he heck…
I could sail over land every day.
Toutatis has tried to board us! [Raak] Thanks for the inspiration
So I'll pack and leave with the next bus! (Space shuttle buses may become more common one future day....)
But in the act of escaping [Howie] - I thought it was a Cheese, but then again I know Jack!
A cake I was baking
Was launched from the oven toward us
His body dropped down like a stone
hit the ground with great smashing of bone
One more mountaineer
Now flying, Oh dear!....like an angel?
Approaches the heavenly throne.
The well-heeled folk of Sevenoaks
Turn noses up at lim’rick jokes
But with I M Pentameter
Their footwork is amateur
And fun at them everyone pokes
She said: May I teach you safe sex?
He replied: I'm more into safe hex
But activities in Binary
despite all the finery
Beats anything by Posh and Becks
She said: May I give you a tip?
He said "Not just now; I'm in knip"
But if you'll lend me a token
I'll leave Thorpe-le-Soken
And thankfully kiss your red lip. ....or: Getting rid of your stiff upper lip?
It’s Friday, let’s meet at the Pub,
[Marc] Love to, but I'm off to my club
It's highly exclusive - don't ya know
Because I'm reclusive
But please don't take this as a snub!
wonderful stuff!
Chalky - My brain is too full - I'm in shock
I shall hide in this grandfather clock
I just hope that the bob-weights
don't tickle my knob, mates,
Then grandpa’s for sure starts to rock![Rosie]...I thought you were a honourable woman!?
She giggled and said: “What is that?”
"It's a teapot on top of my hat!"
"If I want some tea," [Marc] Did you really not know that Rosie's a man??
"you must bow to me" (Marc) Wildly wrong on both counts. :-) See http://www.geocities.com/pantsmcprofiles/profiles.html
Why did it come out with all those spaces, but not this time?
Then I’ll kick your ass, said Cheshire cat [Rosie] No wonder then that I thought the fading scent from your lines was more like ‘Axe Marine', but my smelling sense is not so good any more.....
John Howard will never be gone!
"He goes on and on". (Anon) (Marc) Yerssss. I do wash y'know. :-)
So here's what I think:
We could all use a drink - though this is probably true at any time and not just 'cos of the Aussie elections :)
To celebrate (down-under) erection’s withdrawn?
My butler is off for tonight, (sorry all, of course I meant election !)
And he's left the house looking a fright Of course you did Marc :)
Because it is haunted
By spooks I'll be taunted
But I'm Dracula so off for a bite
"Do you have to go, Laura?" I said
"I thought you'd like Dawn of the Dead"
"They look just like you."
"Have not got a clue,"
"How do you get a girl into bed?"
She will get into bed when she's ready
With curlers and mudpack and teddy
Phooar, sexy mudpacks! Mmm!
Her nightgown is woolly
And covers her fully sorry, couldn't resist
Cor blimey! This outfit is heady! Haaang on...are we talking Teddy as in skimpy diaphanous-yet-wooly garment held together with "strategically placed snap fastenings" (hurhurhur) or were you thinking more along the lines of a clockwork Ursus Somnolus that sings "Walzing Matilda"?
There once was a dimwitted poet,
A Crescenter. Wouldn't you know it?
The name - I'll reveal
His ineptitude Stress shift required.
BUGGER! Didn't see you there, Darren. I'll have another go.
Not David Baddiel? Tiresome git. This is my actual contribution, BTW.
But ------- BLUE PENCIL -------
Sorry can't allow that to be seem
So who let that censor in here?
There once were two dimwitted poets,
Who kept as pets boy and girl stoats "Poets"? Come on...
Their loud copulation (Puckoon) Who's the censor? You, matey, to judge by the message timing. If you can't think of a line then just sit this one out.
Was justification
For helping them on with their coats Needs a Lincolnshire accent for this one to rhyme, but it does work, honest. 'Coats' is 'Coo-arts', 'stoats' 'stoo-arts etc etc.

A return to more RP reciting
Does one not think these vowels sound inviting? Kudos to Darren for that nifty line 4
For rain falls in Spain
Ignore Michael Caine (Pen) That sounds more like Hartlepool to me, where the word "no" is two syllables, prounced "Noah" or "gnawer". Maybe it's an east-of-England thing.
Cause he’s more for free fiction writing.
Alas poor Yorick, my head I have lost,
Alas
It is mouldering in the compost
Its vacuous grin God, this is gruesome.
And this dastardly sin
Will be solvèd by Inspector Frost.
My thumb's fallen into my soup
Said Scoutmaster Bill, to his troop
"Don't shout too loud!"
Was the will of the crowd
"You'll get it back once you go poop."I have been silent too long. Just intervening to say I've been laughing along wit you [arteests] for some tyme now. *chuckle* Now carry on! [slinking back into the shadows] don't be alarmed by me raucous laughter.
The election's a fortnight away
And our nerves are beginning to fray
Now this time peace will win ...winning scansion forever!
'Cause Kerry's long chin
Will start charming people any day
Now
"Wear shiny plastic on your skin" gruntgrunt
And try to imagine you're thin good memory required
The semi-transparent
... just almost apparent ...
It looks like you're just wearing a grin.
The Cheshire Cat smiled and spoke thus:
"Because I just fade, there's a fuss"
"People wonder and stare"
''When I'm only part there''
"And that's why I'm wearing this truss."
For five hundred years I had thought
that happiness could always be bought (Projoy) the secret of your longevity being.....?
And was cheap at the price
....so much cheaper than rice…
But then I found I'd been "caught".
It's taken me ten years to find
The piece that fell out of my mind
It was here all the time
It must mean that I'm
What's left after Lechter had dined
To a nice piece of liver I'm partial
Before I'm up for my latest court martial
It'll cook up so fine
Judge and jury shall dine
and I my defences shall marshal.
Close reading of texts will reveal
The source of your minister's zeal
Chapter 3, verse 16
No, not that! You’re so mean!
You might get off on appeal
The problem with such hermeneutics
They're no match for the Gaul sage, Refutix
Cite chapter and verse
Till they rage, spit and curse
Then persist: they'll explode in a few ticks.
I read, in today's Daily Mail,
That Prince Philip's turned into a quail stranger things have happened
Her Maj is appalled
Though he was pretty old
but now she'll have eggs sans pareil. All right, male quails don't lay eggs.
It's often been said, down our way Or often been Sid, as I typed before...
That male quails don't lay eggs, unless gay
And those that they do Mmm, this is getting quite surreal.
Are just filled with goo
Bollocks! That's all just hearsay.
There was a young lady from Camden
Who always liked to keep her hand in
Quite where, we don't know
We suspect it was Bow
(It's the sort of place she'd make one "stand" in)
I've been told that the Tottenham Court Road
Is a bad place to be for a toad
But frogs are OK
,lightly killed, they say, Rather crunchy.
Unlike ferrets, which tend to explode. It happened nine times yesterday...
There was a young gent lived in Fulham limerick syntax declared
A hit with girls - boy, could he pull 'em!
For he was well endowed opening for abuse....
And oft stood rather proud never knowingly underestimated
And his silken words always would lull 'em
I'm standing in two feet of rain
Yes, my basement is flooded again
The waters are lapping unfinished sentence al...
And the kids are all clapping
the Medway - it's won yet again.
Outside it is blowing a hooley More bloody rough weather, eh Rosie?
And the rain pisses down most unduly (Actually, it's quite fine here and now.)
But whether the weather
goes mad altogether (Softers) Yes. Nasty but not dire. This one's been hyped up a bit, but the barometer will go quite low, even so.
Would depend on 'Hurricane Julie' / Be sure to lag both of your goolies - Bifurcating, with slight force
Remember, when out in the rain / "I'll say it to you, straight and plain" No idea what happens next. Maybe this is just an advert for The Furcation Game. We'll see.
That hail would be causing more pain / "Bend your knees when lifting, don't strain"
It could be so much worse / For the weight of this purse
Then I’ll call my sweet nurse / We deliver this verse:
And we'll try that nice treatment again / By Virgin, the strain's on the train
Giving rise to much 'booing' and 'hissing'
For to Gerrymander
is but to pander
a sort of backhanded ar*e kissing
I'm off to an Anne Summers do! (not been to one before - should I be apprehensive?)
To see things...that are mainly see-through (oh yes)
Some of them wobble and buzz (can I come?)
Respectfully, Bm, might that scan a little better if it were:
Some wobble and buzz
Some light up - this one does!
Like my glowing vibrator does too.... (....well, not mine but maybe Anne Zummer's....?)
Now bin Laden is talking again, (does 'poetry' and politics unite?)
At least he has not got a plane *carpentry invoked*
His call to surrender
In bra and suspender
Show his smalls must be causing him pain LOL the mental picture of BinLaden in bra and suspenders is a disturbingly funny one...
There once was this horny old goat,
Who made an odd sound in his throat
Which sounded just like...
An old motor bike
That was pow'red by a treadmill-bound stoat.
I hide in the depths of this pear
Eating tunnels that go here and there A limerick narrated by a maggot?
On reaching the core
I start outward once more
So when you take a bite have a care (nothing worse than finding half a maggot in your pear)
Who cares about this election?
Cried the Chinese girl in my direction.
The whole politburo
standing leady, theil heads glow (what do I know about politicians….?)
Whatever - there's f**k-all selection.
The time to take action is now
The road ahead's blocked by a cow
And the bovine obstruction
(By simple deduction)
Is worse than that caused by a sow.
The omission of the letter 'K'
Is useful in one certain way
If you find that you kneed (Oh, a play on words... maybe I'm slowly getting better)
A Knurd knamed Knaveed
He's over on Knorthampton Way
In Knaresborough, knaves know about knickers
A Subject that sometimes sees snickers [Rosie] Fiendish Aliteration count there
When wearing white woolies
To ward off the bullies Nice one, Rosie :-)
Be braced for a big bloke that bickers
America civilised? Pah!
'Bout time we realised, yah?
George Bush has English roots
Thinks after he shoots
The Yank's guzzle more gas - by far.
In Arabia, baby, a girl
Whose umbrella refused to unfurl
Had a trouble with wind
'Cos her mother had sinned
by sitting with her feet on a sill
My tumour grows large in the Fall
My humour, by contrast, grows small
My gloags start to spread
(I hasten to point out, btw, that I wrote that line before I saw the news story about Mrs Edwards)
and click inside my head
Believe me, that's not nice at all.
So, reasons to not give a **** (you decide!)
Include rudeness, forgetfulness, thrift, This censorship is out of hand, at least if you don't get a Christmas present.
But my favourite excuse
To politely refuse
Which will leave grammar purists well-miffed.
So, reasons to not give a f*** (again, your choice)
That the Dems are so down on their luck (not beating about the bush, as it were)
It's only four years (Though imagine if Bush got assassinated - Cheney would get the rest of his term, then undoubtedly be elected for a new one, and could stand for yet another at the end...)
Yet I have many fears
, not least that the chimp runs amok
A radio drama is good
That's what you say - well you would
But give me a present
That is effervescent
And doesn't do more than it should.
Rememeber, when you're in the car
The four round things go on the tar
The pointier end
Should be first round a bend
And Ford means "Found On Road Dead," har har.
Bear in mind, when alighting the train
Look right, then left, then right again
"Is this Liskeard (for Looe)?"
"Or New Street (for Crewe)?"
"No. It's a roundabout and you are a pain!"
A splendour rose up in the sky
"Hey, big splendour!" I heard Shirley cry
The splendour replied:
"I'm small and on my side;"
Ne'er again will I stargaze while high.
A duck, and a coin, and a shoe
Are things I have fished from the loo.
tramp steamers and trains
(they're big, they block drains) Not the only thing, I've found. :-(
And a TARDIS mislaid by Doc. Who
If it's good, then give it no thought
Don't bother with "should I?" or "ought...?"
Just jump right on in
It can't be a sin
unless of course you get caught. (Raak) Amazing coincidence: - My first attempt was exactly the same as yours only you got in first. Great Minds . . .
[Raak, Rose] Great minds? I beg to differ. Anoraks... ;o)
Such a thrill to be breaking the law
So I think that I'll do it some more [Pen] I've met Rosie and I can assure you he is not/doesn't wear an anorak.
Oh. Hello Inspector!
My name's Doctor Lecter
Excuse me while I eat Al Gore.
My cholesterol levels are high
'cos I'm overly fond of Gore Pie
Except for the crust
all covered in dust
from cremating that Arafat guy.
The great thing 'bout this time of night (Softers) Cheers. I did have a duffel coat at one time.
Is that nobody else is in sight ;-)
They'll never find out
I'm tickling trout
But why do they put up a fight?
A double deep black cherry pie
A fruity delight to my eye
With thick double cream
And fish oils of bream
Has just made me puke down my tie.
Don't talk to the oiks, Pollyanna
They're bound to hate your jolly manner
And as for your hair,
Well, to be fair,
I would call it brunette, but I canna. Yeah, yer annoying wee gingernut....
[Projoy] so you had nothing better to do on Sunday afternoon than watch crappy films too?
Christmas is coming they say
So I think that I just skip that day
And just have New Year [pen] Yes, it was so utterly syrupy, I got stuck to the sofa. I cheered when she got run over.
With three gallons of beer
And lots of loose women, wahey!
An elephant kiss'd me, m'lud!
Its trunk was most clearly no dud!
It sought out the parts
For refreshment by tarts coat!
which sounds like a joke by Roy Hudd. I know one of his scriptwriters. So that's where he gets them.
Exhibit A: Elephant, one
Exhibit B: half a swiss bun
The jury will find
(if it's that way inclined)
The rest in a great pile of . . . "what's brown and sounds like a bell"
Douglas Adams wrote "The Salmon of Doubt"
Working title "Faith Haddock Without"
But the draft wasn't finished
Adams' strength was diminished
The light of his life flickered out.
Tim Berners-Lee said of the web
"It makes me look less of a pleb."
"For I now wear flash suits"
"Gone are those zoots"
"Don't you think I resemble a deb?" That's enough of that!
As he jumped from the wardrobe, he said:
"I am wearing my pants on my head."
"and my socks on my thumb"
Which has made them go numb
"And smell oddly like garlic bread"
In the middle of writing an ode
to the hard men who dig up the road
I spied a strange man
Making tea in a can
While his body was painted with woad.
While attending a conference in Ghent
I found that my briefcase was bent
Its titanium hinge
Had developed a fringe
Of no use to a business-like gent
The good folk of Buckfastleigh, Devon
All retire to bed around seven
For they get up at eleven (oops this is going to be an all lines rhyme limerick)
Read a book by Nye Bevan
and pray that they go to heaven
When standing alone in the dark
I disrobed, to my vest, for a lark.
I re-dressed in a hurry
when a truck load of slurry
Escaped (stained my shirt with a mark).
The trouble with loaning out bees
is thay always come back with strained knees Hern
Quite why this is so
I really don't know
But a physicist might for some fees (according to Physics, a bumblebee can't fly).
A stalactite falls from the roof
Wooky Hole provides us with proof quite splendid caves there, well worth a visit
That if no-one is there
does anyone care? - Who gives a Hern
Or are we completely aloof?
There once was a student in Leeds
Whose ambition was spreading his seeds
So of he went clubbing
while elm seeds dropping
And satisfied all of his needs.
"MY GOD" said her lady in waiting
"Her Ladyship's gorn out nude skating!"
"If she slips on her front"
"She may bear the brunt"
Of two Green Carpet Moths mating
It's about time I started a round I'm getting fed-up just drawing lines for other people.
"Frère Jacques" will do - nice sound.
"Sur le pont d'Avignon"
Si vous dirai-je mamman
Tut, tut. Our French is not good, I'll be bound!
There once was a frozen lake [previous limerick] it's not bad, and I'd know. I see bad French all the time - generally in my own notes. sigh.
Whose ice would many a maid take
The maids were not found (not aimed at anyone in particular, but players unsure of the best rhythm for a limerick might find this useful. (Rhymes are, luckily, more intuitive).
Actually, this page is a bit more user-friendly.
Above the cold ground
Sorry, it doesn't quite scan, so how about this, which keeps the original as much as poss -

There once was a large frozen lake
Whose ice would many maids take
The maids were not found
Above the cold ground
But below, astride the giant hake!

Huzzah! for brave snorgle; how quick!
She loves to display her new trick.
She scans like a dream
Just a pity the rest are so thick.
The man who came to fix my door [p,D,P,MD,B] Best for a while - the metric feet are dancing!
Left a ruddy great hole in the floor 'Twas on the Monday morning
His extremely large tool
He had placed in my stool ouch!
I'm still not quite sure what it's for.
The Alpha lost his Iota
Which took him beneath his set quota
The Beta protested
So the Gamma arrested
The Alpha for breaking the rota.
A Thesaurus is a very strange book
It won't help you garden or cook
Though Roget's compiling
often helps me when filing is no-one gonna complain about dodgy lines for a while then?
But it's no use to Peregrin Took
*grumble grumble*
Look at me! I can perfectly scan!
That he said as he shat in the fan!
Scatologically
There's an appology
For mistaking the fan for the pan. Honestly, I despair, sometimes!
Poor Kim's on the verge of despair
But truthfully, folks. Do you care?
For the world's never right
Full of envy and spite
And people with egg in their hair.
Let's all go and verb some new words!
And devariate a few herds
I've started to battle
With glaive and atlatl
I've joined the neologian nerds!
hmm - didn't actually intend to press the 'submit' button, but it's done now ... serves me right for multi-tasking
"I'm surrounded by fools!" I cried this is 100% true.
And, quite shortly after, I died
It just serves me right
For talking such shite
Now Hell's jaws, for my soul, open wide.
There was a young fellow from Barrow (Chalky) Wot - you got a cuppa tea there 'n' all.
Who grew a remarkable marrow
He took it to fair
But it could not compare
With Sid's prize-winning tap-dancing sparrow. [Rosie - yeah ... and the rest]
My job at the City Sperm Bank,....I'm very impressed by above sparrow-limerick, well done!
Makes use of a very large crank
When turned, it produces
A wide range of juices
And all for the price of a spank!
Fantastic!
When's the best time to eat bread?
While bathing or when you're in bed?
.. and as toast or just slices?
With jam or fried mices?
try rats and you'll just end up dead!
Clam up or start spilling the beans?
I'm sure you all know what that means!
Foul-spoken slang
with a south London twang I don't even need to try.
Is polite banter in Milton Keynes.
I live for the taste of curried beans
That just doesn't scan right, does it? How about...
I live for the hot taste of beans
Dripped over the neighbourhood queens
or bronx, brooklyn, staten
An' I'm estimatin'
oi u can't go around changing the start line! Where's the challange in that? I shall now sulk for the next 40 nights...........
[widey] We've only got one nights.
[SM] "One nights"?
Darren] ...and one Simons too.
widey - it didn't scan! And Simons - does that rhyme? Bah, I'm turning into Rosie!
The beans were produced by Peek Freans.
Today is the day that the bears... (unfinished sentence alert).
...will go hibernating downstairs, (do polar-bears hibernate?)
So lock up your fridge
To a nearby bridge
so as not to get court unawares [Marc] Of cause they don't, don't be silly, they do there best hunting in the dark, how else can they creep up on the Penguins?
With no more than a piece of elastic, [Puckoon] CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT CAUGHT. Spleen vented; sorry.
I essayed a, épaulement fantastic
That's I essayed an épaulement fantastic
it delighted the crowds [everyone] STOP ARGUING! there's only one nights.
who hoisted their shrouds nights] What happened to the other one thousand then? More downsizing?
They don't know my hip's made of plastic.
I pulled, and I grunted, and groaned
And forgot my bold tags as well :-(
I tugged and I panted and moaned
But still I could not
shift Stonehenge one jot (snorgle) You'll need to acquire, ahem, certain features. But I'm sure you knew that anyway. :-)
So it's off to the Tor to get stoned
I essay a stunning jetée
(zhet-ay)
Followed through with a graceful plié (plee-ay)
But my battement tendu
Was pas bien comprendu
And everyone's calling me gay! boom-boom
When alone, with my "great" plans
I call in my legion of fans
They bow down before me
And all call me Normy
Disturbingly, most drive white vans.
On a recent visit to Devon
I refuelled at a small 7-11
I misread the sign
For the A339
and I'm now on the A327 help!
Be careful, be wary, be wise!
For all that they tell you is lies!
but I don't believe it
not one little bit
but they will ask, "Who ate all the pies?"
Oscar Wilde was a very great wit,
but others just think he was shit,
some like him a bit,
some call him a hit,
and others would cover him with grit.
Showing off I know but what the heck...
Now, Oscar, he's gone off to glory
That might be the end of his story
For those with such pride
(And Lions to hide)
the rest, I'm afraid, is too gory.
I'm looking out of my window
O'er the hillocks of blustery Findo
I must wear a hat
Made out of a cat
Or stay in and play my Nintindo.
"Pathetic!" I heard a man shout
"And you call yourself a Boy Scout?!"
"When in the BB" oblig. (BB is short for Boys' Brigade)
"It's apparent to me"
"You must NOT let your Troop be wiped out!"
Fall in!
He shouted "You 'orrible lot!"
"What a shower of shit that I've got!"
Shoulders back, stand up straight
And hold out your plate!
And eat it all up while it's hot.
The trouble with riding a horse
In traffic and not on a course!
Is unknown to me
However, I flee
In case it gives grounds for divorce.
I'm back in the saddle once more
not minding that it mkaes me sore
If I grip with my thighs
I get quite a surprise [pen'll know what I mean :-b]
For I've found an old apple core
A duck à l'orange, if you please!
And to follow, the board a la cheese!
And then, ice de cream
(I'll pass on the bream)
Try 'a runner' but lose my car keys.
I once saw a duck mount a moose
Perhaps she thought it was a goose
This sexual perversion
And cervine coercion
Demolished a Norwegian Spruce.
You can't fit a moose in your mouth
Unlike ungulates of the Deep South
Over in the East
Raw elk is a feast
but they still prefer haggis in Louth
Those sirens are driving me mad!
'Snot as if I've been really that bad...
If I give in to the law [Puckoon] Louth is my home town... I'll grant you a temporary poetic licence for that blatant untruth.
They'll sound them much more
And at our drowning we'll be glad using poetic license to switch between two meanings of sirens
'Tis the season of snow and good cheer
Though there ain't much of that around here
White stuff's not falling
I think that's appalling
"Oh shut-up and drink up your beer." -
So, only six months until Summer! Woo-hoo!
It's less than the wait for a plumber
But slightly more wet
There's much winter yet
Don't remind me, it is such a bummer
So is it a foot or an inch?
You'll see if you give it a pinch
I can tell by the scale
Because I'm a male
You need a ten horsepower winch.
So much for my expectations!
[Chalky] haven't you forgotten something?
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
The Wichita Lineman - T'is the season of good will to all nations (repair over)
In short supply
*confused* - thought I posted the first line to a limerick?
Well that's what it looked like on my browser :-S
And who is the Witchita Lineman?
This is all getting very confusing. The Witchita Lineman is probably attributable to Glen Campbell who is a particularly good example of the dreadful American "country music" genre.

So, shall we try again, and hope Chalky's browser has been de-bugged.

Chalky - So much for my expectations!
Software - I was expecting congratulations

Oh Lordy - woss goin' on?
SW - I like American country music, OK? :-)
Anyway, I'm going to start the Limerick again whilst waiting for the Witchita Lineman to reveal him/her self ..
Chalky - So much for my expectations!
I fear that all these castrations
Will hamper my search
For a ball-bearing perch blimey!
oh hell... forget the bold 'blimey'
And my hopes of infant relations. [Chalks], Oh, so you're the one ;-)
Well, that was all rather confusing
Is it HTML we're abusing? (comment test)
Looks like a </b> tag has gorn astray somewhere. I can't fix it from here unfortunately, as I fall foul of the Bad HTML detector
Ah, found it. There's a </b tag at the end of the "horsepower winch" move above.
Internet abuse
Such spurious code
Was that AXI's move? Maybe it was, so:

Uncle Korky - Well, that was all rather confusing
Projoy - Is it HTML we're abusing?
AXI - Internet abuse
Software - Is strictly no use

If the good guys always end up losing.
"Go away", I explode in my fury
Going nuclear like old Marie Curie
and do not come back
'Til you've found me that hack
That knobbled the judge and the jury.
"Stand back! It's a rabid mince pie!"
"One scratch from its fangs and you'll die!"
Though it's crust looks quite tasty
My decision was hasty
And now up in heaven I sigh. .. hmm .. bit wobbly on the tenses, that one.
Impartial advice is quite rare
And even then, to be fair
I seldom take heed
Carpe Diem's my creed
I just do what I want with my hair
Eating beans and fly fishing with Hartley
At a village in Wiltshire called Startley
I caused quite a stir
'cos I mimicked the burr
So the trout leapt and slapped my face smartly.
PLastic surg'ry to lengthen my spine
They said silicone implants were fine
But my facelift went "phutt"
Any now looks like my butt
Any --> And
Which is great! So I've no need to whine.
[SW] Do we really need all these hyperlinks?
Chalky - Buff up your German and write
'My German is shiny and bright!' - That's what you meant, isn't it, Chalky?
Then give him a roast
After that, you can boast: unfini...
'It's bangers and mash nächster zeit'
'My Bach is müch worse than my bite'. [alternative and much better ending - serves me right for getting distracted by that minx penelope when we're supposed to be hard at work. Anyway - apologies for hogging the game - over to you lot ...
A present is under the tree
I really hope it's for me
It's a very strange shape
and all are agape (Chalky) But is it verse zen your Cherman Bight?
So I'll open it and we will all see.
"..and so, in summation", he said,
"As thrilled as I am with this... head,"
"The other missing bits..."
(toes, teeth and tits)
"Will shortly mean I'll end up dead."
In a fight with the monster King Kong,
I realised something was wrong
For a start, he was tiny
and his nose it was shiny
And he emitted a terrible pong!
While paying for something by Visa
I was heckled by old Ebenezer
"Bah, humbug!" he cried
"I don't care who's died, This quote left deliberately open
cos I am a grumpy old geezer!" - this quote deliberately closed :D
I can't see the wood for the trees
And I can't see the pod for the peas
or the grass for the blades
Or my feet for the shades
I've got an oc-u-lar disease!
Prepare for the onslaught, my friend!
With pistols at dawn, make amend!
The revolution is here
Our aim? It's not clear
Oh just how will it all end.
With a bang, not a whimper, I fear!
That's how Iraq will end the old year
But not every place
With a US army base
will necessarily cheer.
And so, Merry Christmas to all!
I hope that you all had a ball
And all those at work
For whom it must irk
To be 24/7 on call.
So 2004's nearly done
I just wish it had been much more fun
In 2005
I will not deprive
The world of my second-best pun. oh yes - it's a killer ...
Happy New Year, to one and to all
And may your big things not grow small
If this should occur
due to alcohols blur
then piss up against that there wall. Plunge the knife, then, Chalky.:-)
Your target is 30 feet high
(For the Jolly Green Giant must die!)
I'll take my pea-shooter
(Blow legumes up his hooter)
And cook up his veg in a pie!
In spite of the blustery weather
I'm off for a tramp through the heather
'Cos the wind up my kilt
When I run at full tilt
Will toughen my scotum to leather oh dear oh dear oh dear....
I must say that I'm shocked and appalled! Nah, not really.
not to mention disgusted and galled [pen] what's a scotum? have I got one?
At the thought that someone
Should feel moved to con - [hey snorgs - where you beeeeen?]
us to thinking that this game had stalled! [nights] probably not yet, as you're still only very young ;o)
It was wrong, I admit and I'm sorry
To take her to a disused quarry ...bit dark perhaps?
But in my defence
I gave her ten pence
Then let her get out of the lorry dark indeed....
It's dark, deeply sordid, and wrong
Let's lighten the mood with a song
About fluffy chicks
Who go to the flicks
In pink feather boa and thong
The judge stood up straight and orated - Chalky - here and Dublin - just haven't had time to post!
The verdict that I had awaited:
"On the charge of fraud - guilty!"
And 'though not well-built, he
Smiled like a man being fellated
innocent whistling
My feet are too big for my shoes !
I've been wearing a pair of canoes!
But they haven't, as yet unfini...
Let me down in the wet
So I've booked for a trans-urban cruise. .. bon voyage
My balls itch so bad...
Stimpy, that line is WAY too short. It should be AT LEAST 7 syllables. Unless it was just a general comment - in which case, see your doctor!
If you find that your balls have an itch
Dip them into a tub of hot pitch
While it might make them swell
it's just as well
that your sex life was never that rich. (Raak) you're a sadist, man/
I find proper grammer attractive
Which suggests that my sex life's inactive
When I see a subjunctive
(Would it were conjuctive)
My libido becomes hyperactive
there once was a man from tashkent
Who, somehow, contrived to invent
A portable hole
and an inverted pole
And a corkscrew that was straight and not bent.
meanwhile, an old woman in Essex see how pretty things can be on these things?
Lay a claim to the Duchy of Wessex
The root of her title
Was a deed to a pightle
(bought with numerous fraudulent checks) (nights)What things?
at the same time, in darkest frome [snorgle] these forums on the INTarWeB, they can be so pretty when everyone works together
A maiden was lured to her doom [nights] we've visited frome before... ;o)
A talll man in black
who smelt like a yak and had a 50% excess in the "L" department. Better than three buttocks, I suppose.
Tickled her bits with a broom
A one-legged man from porthcawl as we are in this mode
Got pinned up against a brick wall
But with one mighty hop
He sprung into a shop
and gave the police a call [pen] what on earth FOR?
A disabled old bailiff from York
Had a peg-leg, capped off with a cork [nights] To argue about its pronunciation, of course!
His hand was a hook
His belly - it shook
whenever threatened with a spork [pen] there's no point - somerset people rarely see reason...
A train bound for South Abertawe
Was last seen en route to Malawi Hi all.
The points were set wrong Now, does everybody know that the last two syllables (out of the 4) of Abertawe rhyme, more or less, with the first 2 syllables of "sou' wester" and, furthermore, it's only bloody Swansea in Welsh anyway. I'll get the breakdown gang. :-)
Just outside Kampong
When some hitchikers yelled "Going our way?"      No, Rosie - well at least not me.
Hitchikers are normal people but they do occasionally drop their aitches.
*grumble* Banter Game?

Chalky - If you race round the M25

Between 4 and a quarter to 5 [Rosie] This site says ta weh. I did check...honest. :-)
You might see the ghost
Of the last man to post
That is, if Chalky's left him alive! *enters Witness Protection Programme*
Come on, guys, pay attention to the correct stresses of the syllables in the scansion... that last line *simply* *does* *not* *work* in any way, shape or form. Please learn how a limerick works.
I know that I'm quite the offender
When I go on a fifty day bender
But my very besht friend
Tries to pretend
That he is my staunchest defender.
The trouble with being a pedant JLE] It could work (possibly) without that rogue comma - stress on if and left, that is more like that's?
Is you're less well beloved than a red ant
And as hierarchies go
Red ants score quite low
So ease up and you'll be more pleasant. =)
Quite terrible things will occur
should it be that you fail to concur
So now you'll agree
You really want me
Even though I'm a "he" not a "her"
If you wish to determine my sex
You'll have to sign seven blank cheques
Stick three up your arse,
At the others, throw darts
And give both my cheeks sev'ral pecks
'A new lease of life' is a phrase
That is true in just so many ways
But it doesn't apply
To the mote in my eye
That afflicts me today of all days
I gambled, and now it's all lost
as they say in Brum, it's all "bost"
It's back to the streets
Dressed in re-cycled sheets
of old wallpaper, nicely embossed.
Playing golf, I am twelve over par
'Cos I can't hit the ball very far
I find when I swing
(and now, here's the thing)
I'm losing control of the car
My handicap now is just four
little mites crawling 'round on the floor
Must find a solution
To nappy pollution
Perhaps I'll just show 'em the door...
Some music has ended the day
The Birdie Song sent us away
Although it was naff
A friendly chiff-chaff
Set all our hips asway.
Instead of complaining all day
The Birdie Song is what we'll play
Or perhaps Agadoo
or Kajagoogoo
or 'Shaddup your face' by Joe Dolcé.
I can't get it out of my head
My brain (which is really learned)
This heavy gold mind
Is a burden, I find
So I never get up out of bed.
I once wrote a line that was good
And hid it in my Christmas pud
I poured custard on it
And then ate my sonnet
And now 'writer's block's understood
I opened the cupboard to find
I've clearly gone out of my mind
the jams and the sauces
And other resources
Are gone - all I have's bacon rind.
Your starter for ten runs like this:
What's the pH of elephant piss?
And if no-one knows
I shall have to suppose
The answer lies in the abyss
These Limericks are making no sense
Any more than pounds, shillings and pence
But the payment we get
Shows demand's being met
For rhyme that's banal, crass and dense.
Book early to get the best fare
Let the train take the strain if you dare
But if your destination
Is a Northern Line station
Dress boldly - clothe yourself in Edgeware!
Reselling my clothes on ebay
I blindly gave myself away
When I sold my best garter
I fumbled the barter
I went to the grocery store yesterday
The key to a pithy last line
Was lost on the banks of the Tyne
The poet, ashamed,
on dyslexia blamed,
His failure to lyrically shine
There's naught I like more than to shout
At the lads "C'mon, get it out!"
I'm sometimes surprised [nice one muttleee :-)]
That something so prized
Is so rarely bandied about
You'll get your extremities cold T/s/C/D/C - excellent!
Unless you will do what you're told
So I'm telling you now
Stick your hands in a cow © Dunx
Or a maiden from Stow-on-the-Wold
Cotswold ladies can react quite badly
When seduced by a schoolboy from Radley
They throw up their arms
And expose all their charms
Which are not all that charming, quite sadly
Until now I had never known fear
But my arm is now stuck up the rear unfinished sentence alert
Of a gestating cow
and what I need now
Is a booking on Brighton's West Pier
I've booked a half-page colour space bloody newspapers
(On which to emblazon my face)
It may cost a lot
but I'll give it a shot
My address is attached - just in case.
I threw up my arms in dismay
Distraught at the death of Fay Wray
at the hands of a monkey
So sprightly and spunky
a girl was gorilla paté.
The disturbance this evening in Maine god, I hope nothing's actually happened in Maine
For news of which we search in vain If we're that sad.
I am told was a shocker
It took place in a locker
But no trace of events do remain. ... bugger
Explosive and dangerous stuff
is Marmite stains on a shirt cuff
For, when they ignite,
Not even "Allbrite"
Can douse the flames quite well enough.
When rain stops play at Trent Bridge
I immediately dive for the fridge
In its depths I discover
My previous lover
That's Mary (with Mungo and Midge)
A cloak of the finest azure
With sequins and feathers galore
Is the best thing to wear
When you have an affair
And it beats 'doing it' on the floor
A dog and a cat and a hat
An ice-skate and large cricket bat
A man, a canal,
A plan quite banal
The result? An unsolved dingbat.
Most people who went to my school
Epitomised liminal cool
The rest of the nerds
Who travelled in herds
Are the ones who are destined to rule.
It's true that us nerds have an edge nice finish, Raak
In signing the temperance pledge
Because we can't drink
We think we can think
With more than our meat and two veg.
Confucius said: “This new year,”
just adding a tiny syllable ...
Confucius he said: "This new year
Will bring forth a glorious fruit beer.
It's flavoured with lichees
And, doing your tai chis,
will get you slung out on your ear.
Whilst on the razz, dressed as a nun
I happened upon a shotgun
I'd no need to worry
As I was in Surrey
A great place to be 'on the run'
Your honour, I plead mitigation
Because of this strange litigation
I'm stuck in this dock
Because of my cock a doodle doo
which I exposed at East Croydon station. What's the problem? Nobody would notice because they're all wittering into their sodding mobiles. (Tuj) Bad luck!
The judge showed no mercy at all continuing the story...
and had me chained up to a ball
He duly proclaimed Rosie] for the sake of decency, it could still be an animal...
I deserved to be blamed
For the rate of exchange in Nepal
The answers which all of us seek
Will be broadcast on telly next week
When Richard and Judy
And an overweight foodie
Will consume a quarter-ton leek
Whilst overindulging on veg
I managed to fall into a hedge
Beneath which, I found
ten dollars, one pound
And an ageing gay rocker named Reg
A predisestablishmentarian
Said this, to a parliamentarian
"The Bishop of Ely (snorgle) Are you absolutely certain that Parliament existed in the predisestablishment era? I only arsk. :-)
Just gave me a feely
Which proves he's a humanitarian."
And copped an incredibly hairy one
sorry - Simulpost Carry on
'On a course aimed at self-cultivation
We learned about auto-cremation
So give me a match
And a nicorette® patch
Self-esteem, Self-respect, immolation!
Exteleologicalism (that's better, I was trying to find a word that would take up a whole line).
*sigh*
Exteleologicalism
When spelled wrong can cause rheumatism
But with letters correct
It is not, I suspect
A reason for triumphalism
Proper spelling's a thing that's essential
Lest your writing's deemed inconsequential
So practise with letters
As do all good typesetters hope that's spelt right . . .
When slinging the lead to their betters.
Vary the rhyme scheme for kicks!
Or instead of just five lines, write six!
Yes, lengthening's one of our tricks.
When we get to the middle
Of the Rhymsterists's riddle
Attempting to fiddle
Around with the form, and to mix
In even more words, making the whole structure very hard to fix.
*Bing-bong* An announcement for you:
Pink will henceforth be sky-blue
Red is now Green
Fergie is now Queen
And all that was false is now true.
This lim'rick, in truth, is a lie
It was written by him on the sly
While him on the swings
Eating butterfly wings
Was sitting there wondering why.
While binning a pile of junk mail
I bumped into Donna McPhail
She's lived in my bin
With her patrilineal kin
writing jokes which invariably fail
My golden retriever once said
I fancy a trip to the Med
I sent him at once
'cos they've now banned the hunts
Which makes it hard keeping him fed.
On a bus into town one morning
A huntsman jumped on, without warning
, yelled, "Follow that Fox!"
Pointed at my red socks
I said, "They're pinks, now stop all that fawning"
While murdering a Chopin Mazurka
Veiled in her secretmost bhurka
The lady concerned
Amusingly gurned
And dreamed of her broad-chested Gurkha.
The cast of Auf Wiedersehen Pet
doubled as stagehands building the set
Their cry was, "Oh Lordie!" [setting up a rhyme there]
"We're almost all Geordie!"
"Except for that daft Brummy get!"
^^^^ Very good one! ^^^^

In time, we will look back and laugh

At the day we got stuck in the barf
As the water was rising
What we found most surprising
was the vulgar response of the staff.
Simplicity runs in my veins
I don't care for lacquers or stains
I like everything plain
I'll say it again:
I use spoons to hack off my chilblains.
The rain in Spain's mainly on plains
As stated by those with large brains
But the snow in Oslo
As any fule kno
Is there in spite of the Danes
The frost in Spain's mainly on cars
And the ex-pat's are mainly in bars
They get drunk most nights
And dress up in red tights
And dance like there's frost in their drawers
For those who are cymbocephalic
Cries of "egghead" ("oeuftête" if you're Gallic)
You look like a Martian
Much less than a Spartan Bastard rhyme, Rosie
All in all, you look really quite phallic.
Some people, it seems, like the snow (Softers) As I realised too late. :-(
But what I like, I really don't know
I've tried asking my
psychoanalyst why
I'm so fond of the stuff. He don't know Sorry for the grammar,but had to be done.
My fav-our-ite colour is blue
Dunno why, strange but it's true snorgs] simulposted, but I agree with you ;]
And that sky blue pink
I what most people think
I = Is :-(
Is a warning when bad weather's due. .. shepherds, notably. [not sure where you were heading with that line, Software, but I did my level best]
Personal hygiene's a must
In the places where gathers most dust
That hole in the tummy
is not always yummy
Go elsewhere to express your lust. Sage advice
One should never hide one's own smell
For perfume will damn you to hell
Especially if male
Are smelling like "Dead Whale"
For your pheromones will ring someone's bell.
The flowers that bloom in the spring Ought to be in quotes, really.
Are worn in the beard of the king
So let us cheer
And quaff lots of beer
And do ye olde "whoop-de-doo" thing.
Line. Drat.
The truth about Morecambe and Wise
Is they both shared the same pair of eyes
No-one could tell
save Eskimo Nell
Which joker was which, for a prize.
There once was a poet from Bonn
Who had lots of clothing to don
From her thong to her coat
and her little pet Stoat
Backwards strip-tease is a con!
If you are a fan of punk rock
You're locked in a timewarp, old cock. (Simons Mith) Quel espèce de con?
Such a '70's fad
You're worse than my dad
Whose tank-top and sideburns I mock.
Les mots vulgaires sont, ici, [rosie] j'suis tant choqué.
Je plaid coupable, tant pis. (nights) Well, at least someone got the joke. :-)
Par exemple, rupettes
Ou une bite à baguette
c'est chouette, quand nous faisons ceci. [rosie] what can I say, j'suis geeque.
The last one was lost in translation
No great loss (francophile masturbation)
When language gets screwed
And poets are lewd
We'll just leave to play Bifurcation.
Please start without me, I'm on leave/There once was a Lim'rick for sale
{And I've something that's hid up my sleeve / There's no chance of a sudden reprieve } / { Which came with a free pint of ale / Which was rather too old and too stale }
{Is this a dagger?; I'll produce it when/I'm doomed to remain; For fourty-eight hours}
{And a packet of nuts; It was Ruddles' best/The old man from Dover; Fresh blood was required}
Please start without me, I'm on leave
        And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
                Is this a dagger?
                        Or far Wagga-Wagga
                        Or an old Eton fagger
                I'll produce it when
                        I'm a master of Zen
                        The time's right, and then
        There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
                I'm doomed to remain
                        On this long-delayed plane
                        On a far darkling plain
                For fourty-eight hours
                        I must grade all these flours
                        I shall drink whiskey sours
There once was a Lim'rick for sale
        Which came with a free pint of ale
                And a packet of nuts
                        With a taste of goat butts
                        And some choice sirloin cuts
                It was Ruddles' best
                        Called Old Everquest
                        And stank of birds' nests
        Which was rather too old and too stale
                The old man from Dover
                        Who smuggled it over
                        Said "I'm glad it's over"
                Fresh blood was required
                        To make it inspired
                        To set it on fire

I'll have a go at the first one:

Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
Is this a dagger?
Or far Wagga-Wagga
It's neither [or so I believe]
Left over from last New Year's Eve?

Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
Is this a dagger?
Or an old Eton fagger
If so, then I must be naïve
Applying some fresh Ibuleve®?

Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
I'll produce it when
I'm a master of Zen
And then, only then will retrieve
A state which is hard to achieve.

Please start without me, I'm on leave
And I've something that's hid up my sleeve
I'll produce it when
The time's right, and then
My state of mind you will perceive
You'll see why my name isn't Steve

Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
I'm doomed to remain
On this long-delayed plane
Feeling sick with a strong urge to heave
With a cousin of Christopher Reeve

Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
I'm doomed to remain
On a far darkling plain
With only this basket to weave
With piles of old timber to cleave.

Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
For fourty-eight hours
I must grade all these flours
Amongst those who pillage and thieve
After which, a sponge cake I'll receive

Please start without me, I'm on leave
There's no chance of a sudden reprieve
For fourty-eight hours
I shall drink whiskey sours
It's by far the best way I can grieve.
At this rate I'll never conceive

I see no-one has yet attempted the second mighty-furcation - The Lim'rick for sale one...
Yesterday - it took me quite a long time to find 16 viable rhymes for the Please start without me one, and as I didn't want to hog the whole thing ... I stopped there. Anyone up for it?
[Chalks] A whole morning, and nobody has dared reply... Whaddyawannadoo?
Chalky] Go for it.

OK - here's part two:

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
And a packet of nuts
With a taste of goat butts
No kidding - just try and inhale!
And seventeen newly plucked quail

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
And a packet of nuts
And some choice sirloin cuts
Just right for the discerning male
A feast of gargantuan scale!

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
It was Ruddles' best
Called Old Everquest
So called 'coz it's beer's holy grail
Available only by mail

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which came with a free pint of ale
It was Ruddles' best
And stank of birds' nests
When newly blown down in a gale
But tasted of rancid ox tail

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
The old man from Dover
Who smuggled it over
Went straight to her majesty's jail
Dropped dead from a surfeit of kale

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
The old man from Dover
Said "I'm glad it's over"
"The new version I'll now unveil"
"The rhyme pattern WAS rather frail."

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
Fresh blood was required
To make it inspired
It's now reading Language at Yale
To be a nonsensical tale

There once was a Lim'rick for sale
Which was rather too old and too stale
Fresh blood was required
To set it on fire
And fresh words for comic detail
And give it that sting in the tail

*phew*

*creates a thunderous round of applause*
*gapes in awe. actually in bath, not awe, but you get the idea*
*WOW, very impressive masterpiece of bifurcation!*
There once was a Virgin so chaste ...not thinking of Camilla...?
Who refused to marry in haste ...no, no similarities at all...
Chalky] *jumps up and down cheering* WOW! Do we have a new game idea here?
"I'd rather," she said Chalky] Wow! Irouleguy] Well, there is still the furcation game...
"Keep wetting the bed"
"than indulge in an act so debased."
I'n't there 'owt else to eat but this food?
Ah'm clammin' and I'm norrin the mood
Fer this fancy frog shite
W'll 'av me up al' nite
unless . . .Aww Noooah, ah've pooed.
The duck à l'orange is delicious [I wonder .. do people still eat that?}
And the sole meniere is nutritious [Chalks] Yes, I had it on my birthday, last month. It was delicious.
The crème caramel
Has gone down very well
But the wafer mints make me suspicious.
Waiter! The bill, if you please / Excuse me, can we get the check [Raak] That had me laughing out loud.
As soon as we've finished our cheese/And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze

Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec/Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
Our taxi awaits/The hideous stilton / It's cold enough out/The troublesome weather // The flight from Toronto/It flies in an hour / Except for the beer/I've got an account
curse you, botherer... okay, I'll try line four
[Jux] Ha! that happened to me last time - Raak beat me to Line 4 by about 10 minutes. So I copped Line 5. Deep joy :-)
Waiter! The bill, if you please
As soon as we've finished our cheese
Our taxi awaits
So no further debates / In the United States

Waiter! The bill, if you please
As soon as we've finished our cheese
The hideous stilton
You serve at the Hilton / Could cause one to wilt on

Waiter! The bill, if you please
And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
It's cold enough out
That my pitcher of stout / To destroy without doubt

Waiter! The bill, if you please
And we're moving inside 'fore we freeze
The troublesome weather
Has froze us together / Has ruined the leather

Excuse me, can we get the check
Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec
The flight from Toronto
Is taking off pronto / Will quickly be gone so

Excuse me, can we get the check
Or I'll miss my flight to Quebec
It flies in an hour
By platypus power / So bring it right now or

Excuse me, can we get the check
Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
Except for the beer
Charge that to Rich Gere / And these hazelnuts here

Excuse me, can we get the check
Don't worry, it's all on Cal Tech
I've got an account
Of a stunning amount / Thanks to Ms. Lisa Blount
[Jux] Bravo!
*hankers for a plain vanilla limerick*
pen] me too! If I read Irouleguy's comment in Banter correctly, the last installment will be appearing in the Bifurcation Game - so-o-o-o ...

Chalky - It's plain that for easy digestion

Five lines is the best, there's no question
If you squeeze any more
It becomes quite a bore
, to say nothing of mental congestion. Couldn't 'aandle that last lot. This is more like it.
True Lim'ricks will follow these rules: (...well, not at this site anyway ;-)
Good metre and rhyme are their tools
The scansion shall flow
The humour be low
The poets must always be fools.
Low humour is more of an art
An vulgarity sets one apart
*and, rather than an
So don't trust to luck
The use of cheap muck
Is ideal to make up your part
We'll greet the new day with a smile
And then enjoy breakfast in style
Croissants and coffee
Bats coated in toffee
And virgins we'll get to defile.
My cat has got stuck in the hoover
listening to the Bolan Groover
Now they jam in duette
Singing Alanis Morrissette
And Doug Sahm's She's about a mover
Whilst buying some bread at the shops
I also bought barley and hops
You may say that's small beer
But never you fear!
My pot still makes potcheen that's the tops!
Testing, one two and three
Why's this microphone wired to me?
'cos nothing I say
will enliven your day
More than watching daytime TV.
Turn left then go right at the gate
Twenty paces, then remove some slate
In the hole that you'll find
Is some bacon rind
Bring it here, put it straight on my plate. yum yum
My instincts, though somewhat subdued
Involve the consumption of food
My nibbling nature
Destroyed every plate yer
Put in front of me - ain't I rude?
My birthday's just one day away
I'll be ninety-three, so my kids say
But deep down I know
All the wild oats I sow
Is what has turned my hair grey.
I'm going to buy a new house
One which comes with a resident mouse Sorry, rab.
who will nibble my cheese
And give the kids fleas
And teach them to speak fluent Scouse KC - welcome back!
I'm going to buy a new love
Who'll hopefully fit like a glove
we'll skip 'mongst the daisies
Like a couple of crazies
Whilst vultures circle above
I once had a thoroughbred buzzard
well jolly good for you - didn't know they existed
All the vultures and kites thought he wuz 'ard
He married a thrush
Though had a mad crush
Chalky] I can as long as my poetic licence is in date.
On a peregrine falcon from Luzzard.
I once had a Falcon called Ken
Who drank all the scotch in my den
His resulting bad head
Imploded then bled
All over my carpet - bloody alcoholic falcons, ruined it is. RUINED, I tell you.
sorry, couldn't resist.
There once was a chap from Khartoum
Who scootered a way to his doom
Up the old Khyber Pass
Keeping Off The Grass
'cos it's really strong stuff, I assume.
I once knew a kestrel named Don
Who wasn't sure which side he was on
Though he he quite liked the hens Thanks Irouleguy - good to be back :)
err excuse the double 'he' - I was not in fact laughing (it's too early in the limerick for that) What I in fact meant was
Though he quite liked the hens
He hung out in the Men's
I'll check if he's there.....oh he's gone
I can't look; if I do I am cursed
by those who despise Damien Hirst
Because he's preserved
A sheep dipped in derv
But you'll have to admit - that's a first.
As I stepped away from the urinal
I went arse-over-tit on the vinyl
Then I slid to the sink
Set my nose in a kink
Now it smells just like Domestos pine'll
When dogs catch the scent of a pine
They'll either cock a leg or whine
But the worst part is this
On your leg they may p*ss rising to the bait :-)
And the owners a £25 fine
There's going to be an election
So gentlemen, wear some protection
For what's coming up
From the depths of my cup
It's a wonder of nat'ral selection.
On this day of a right royal wedding
All adultrous stigma they're shedding
But to just say 'Ones Sorry'
For a 31-year foray
Would ignore many sessions of bedding
I bring you a new kind of drink
It is made with the musk of a mink
And, since it is fizzy,
You're bound to get dizzy (Oblig.)
And spill most of the drink down the sink
I did about half, then gave up
It's so hard to wash a whole cup
With hands that are soft
I just lazily waft
Some Fairy suds in the general direction of the kitchen sink and then wander off to play with my Weimeraner pup
The battle for gold is intense
though tin's just as good, and less dense
The bronze age's agent
Was copper's reagent Basta*d rhyme, mutter, gripe
But steel wire's the best for a fence
I'm willing to negotiate
Please Joe, say it ain't so
argh, sorry...
  • Kim - I'm willing to negotiate
  • CdM - So tell me please, what's your best rate?
    • If we can agree [CdM] What a curious misspost - am wondering if it offers a window into your psyche :-)
    By quarter to three
    Then we can make it before its too late
    variation time:
    May we invite alternative last lines? [no offence, S'ware] It seemed to have so much potential ...
    I'll start with
    I'm willing to negotiate
    So tell me please, what's your best rate?
    If we can agree
    By quarter to three
    My ego won't over-inflate.
    [Chalky] Nothing so interesting; I just failed to notice when I previewed that I was also simulposted. :-)
    [CdM] I used to have a really patronising message warning you about that, but it upset snorgle so I turned it off.
    By four-o-clock I'll find a date
    This time I won't procrastinate
    So let's get it on
    Tuj] I may be wrong but I think the previous two lines were alternative endings - which is entirely my fault for over-complicating things ...however, it all fits so I'll follow ..
    Chalky - Before this mood's gone
    So to bed where we'll procreate [Suitable, Chalks?]
    [CdM, Chalks, Irouleguy, Softers, Juxtapose, Pen, Tuj] Most satisfactory. This should become a variation of the game, where a number of alternatives for lines 3, 4 and 5 are suggested (but 1 and 2 remain fixed).
    Now, if you'll just slip on this slip
    You may trip up just a bit Thanks for the accolade, Kim :-)
    And slide on the floor
    And collide with the door
    Taking care not to bite on your lip
    There once was an artist from Prague
    Who painted the central Camargue
    White horses galore
    Galloping along the shore
    Entre toute des grandes vagues
    There was a young lady from Tottenham (Softers) Je suis impressionné
    Short skirts - wow! She really looked hot 'n 'em
    With her legs e're so long
    And quadriceps strong
    And clogs, that she got straight from Rotterdam.
    A gent who was sent up to Ghent
    Caused havoc wherever he went
    When he jourmeyed from Aix
    "journeyed"...
    He let loose a hex
    Since his pronunciation was bent
    You give me lager when I ask for beer
    And cast me down when I just want good cheer Are we creating a new form, the limeronnet?
    But give me a cider [Raak] No... ;)
    Complete with dead spider Ahhhh! scrumpy..
    And you just watch me disappear!
    "Would you like an extra strong mint?"
    As a chat-up line [maybe a hint?]
    Can only be said
    "I'd rather be dead!"
    "Well, I'd buy you a beer, but I'm skint"
    When you finish your call and ring off
    I can't help but think "what a toff"
    Your accent is posh
    You talk utter tosh
    From my list you will now be struck orff.
    I once met a psychic named Beth
    Who told me the date of my death
    It was two months ago
    Which just goes to show
    Thou shouldst e'er ignore what Beth saith.
    I died on the first day of Spring
    And lay dead as a very dead thing
    I nourish the worms
    But can't come to terms
    With r&b, swingbeat or bling
    The one thing to remember is this:
    Keep your feet wide apart when you piss sorrysorrysorry
    Urine-soaked feet
    For girl's is not neat
    You'll not be number one for a kiss.
    The good folk of Tierra del Fuego
    Know just how to make a good play go
    Their theatre's fame
    Derives from its name:
    "The Performers of Japanese Plays - No"
    The insurance you sold me's no cushion
    So don't come back round to me pushin'
    With your foot in the door
    Your patter's a bore
    So scram, or I'll clobber yer mush in!
    Let's open a new pack of verses
    So cough up, chaps, and open your purses
    They cost a pound each
    The basics we'll teach
    Of rhyming and meter and curses
    The people who live down the road
    Have cornered the market in woad
    They paint themselves blue
    An interesting hue
    Then explode like a germanic toad (what a great story that was)
    Actually; following on from the aborted bifurcating limerick...
    As you eat this Duck à l'Uranium
    To the sound of the sweet-toned harmanium (which is like a harmonium, but more harmanous)
    You might catch a queck (which is like quick but more quacky)
    peek at the old beck (which is like a bick, but sharper)
    Or dig around inside its cranium. (which is a bit like a...oh, sod it.)
    One holiday weekend in May
    I went to a very strange play
    Just an empty old stage
    Holding Nicholas Cage
    With music by John. Stay away.
    I wish I could play violin
    'Cos fiddling is said to be 'in'
    Like fiddling the books
    With too many cooks
    Can lead to many a sin
    rats misaligned
    In politics, all is not fair
    Unless you support Tony Blair
    Whose radical stance
    on invading France
    Touched the heart of the public right there.
    The wilderness threatens my garden
    So in tactics I beg no one's pardon
    I'll brandish this scythe
    And Paraquat-ize
    And wait for the green concrete to harden
    Bordellos in Brighton-on-Sea
    Actually, scrub that, probably has more potential as:
    Bordellos on Frinton-on-Sea
    Are the place where we'd all like to be
    Yes, grab a granny
    And then shag a trannie [oh dear- SO sorry - very naughty]
    with no need to fear pregnancee. ©G & S
    I bring you the following news:
    The government's bought Rodney Bewes
    They're selling Mo Mowlam
    (She was just a golem)
    And increasing the tax on left shoes [Chalks] Re: Rude line - I wrote almost the same one myself but then thought better of it and didn't post it!

    [pen] ah yes, my 'bravery'. Look at the time of posting :-)
    [Rosie] Top finishing btw
    [K,UK,m,INJ,p] latest lim - bravo!
    She attributes her high popularity
    To her straightforward honest vulgarity
    Her Je ne sais quoi
    And the size of her bra Sorry...
    Are the cause of much frequent hilarity.
    Oh, woe and alas and alack!
    My baby's been caught smoking crack!
    I do hope her craving
    Will stop her from shaving
    The fur off our guinea pig's back.
    I've been lost for a rather long time
    Got stuck in the sunniest clime
    It might sound inviting
    But not when you're fighting
    for rhyme so sublime it will chime.
    Tomorrow, I think I'll go fishing
    My Wife wont even know that I'm missing
    I'll take stacks of beer
    To the end of the pier
    And over the end I'll be pissing oblig.
    Of first lines, I'm heartily sick (six out of the last nine, including this one)
    They really do get on my wick
    So next time I'll wait
    till I see the bait (pen) Isn't that rather difficult for the fair sex?
    Then in my 10p's worth I'll stick!
    [Rosie: a propos your comment to pen: my family and I (including my wife's mother) were out for a walk in the New Forest some while ago. Half way through the walk, my mother-in-law had to heed the call of nature and took herself off the path. My younger son, Sam, noticed her absence. "Where's Grandma Alice gone?", he asked. "She's gone to do a wee-wee", my wife told him. He absorbed this information and we moved on. After a few moments, he tugged at my sleeve. I leaned down and he whispered urgently into my ear: "how's she going to hit the tree?".
    It seems I just can't stop this racket
    Next time I may add one more bracket ;-)
    and layers of felt (Kim) He knows too much. :-)
    Pulled from my belt
    And pockets I tore from your jacket a bit weak, but it seems nobody wanted to end this one...
    I double-post here to spare Kim
    For too many first lines is grim
    But third line is easy
    By the fourth, I am queasy
    Now we're done, so back over to him
    If you think this is me - well it's not
    But quite who it is, I forgot
    It certainly aint me
    And I am not he
    So let's explore who we are - in the cot.
    Three hundred grams of hard cheese
    Lovingly applied to the knees
    Will server to save
    A maid or a knave
    From vicious attacks of large bees
    While applying a nice coat of lacquer
    My wrist just gets limper and slacker
    But, once it dries off
    I stiffen and cough
    Up that lump of slimy chew-bacca
    A frivolous lass from Manchester
    Would go out wearing just a sou'wester
    She said "I'm not cold, *open quote alert*
    and I'm told I'm quite bold, *continues*
    by the visiting fans up from Leicester."
    I won't do it! No! You can't make me!!
    I will not go into that teepee
    I'll stay in my yurt
    , my loins primly girt
    I simply will not let you take me!
    A Rabbi, a Priest, and a goat
    Sought out the Conservative vote
    For each was a Tory
    A right fairy story
    Politically, they've missed the boat.
    The Cup has come back to North London
    It's fashioned from polycarbundun - that means 'crappy old plastic'
    It leaks like a sieve
    But, as long as I live,
    I'll boast that at least we have won one
    To Bombay, a travelling circus Sorry... ;-)
    Made think us, say! what if we lurk us?
    So we hid in the corner
    Right behind the sauna
    So no one or nothing could irk us! :)!
    There was a young lass from Old Sarum
    Who found herself in a sheik's harem
    Though worried at first,
    She rallied and cursed: *open quotes implied*
    "They don't know I'm a boy! That'll scare 'em!"
    [R,i,J,I,B] Heheheheh!
    It's not a good morning for all
    Who stayed up too late at the ball
    For wine has effects
    On some types of sex
    Male or female, this mess will appal
    I met a harpoonist from Munich
    Who was seeing a Swiss gnome from Zurich
    He whimpered and whaled
    Then simpered and sailed Open alert...
    Away in his shocking pink tunic
    Bangaladesh have collapsed
    [UK] What sort of Line 1 is that?
    For their use of good grammar has lapsed
    Can we speak Bengali? I think that's their language.
    The metre and length are there, and it's a reference to the first day's play in the first test match.
    [UK] sorry, I did rather pounce on you. Just a build up of mild frustration that after some wonderful free-flowing limericks over the last couple of months, this game seems to have become clogged up by clever-arse rhyming challenges. Spelling it out: Bangladesh has only two 'a's' so you've inserted an extra syllable; using a proper singular noun, the line should read 'has collapsed'; how many rhymes are there for a word ending in '-lapsed' apart from other words ending in, er ... '-lapsed'?; finally, test match eh? whoopee-dee
    Curses! Let down by my spelling! Oh bugger it.
    Move along now, nothing to see Giving up the previous one for dead
    Except for the glory of me
    clad only in pants (Chalky) Uncle K's spelling mistake improved the scansion no end, whether by accident or design. I'd like to think the latter. Am I right, UK?
    As I gyrate and dance Northern pronunciation invoked. (Rosie) Of course! Ahem... Well, as I said above, I felt the scansion was fine, and I defend my use of 'Bangladesh' as a plural noun to refer to a team of individuals!
    A fine jig called 'The Maid of Tralee' [UK defence] quite right too! Now what about the '-lapsed' rhyme potential? teehee :-)
    They say that obsession with cricket
    Makes you throw a ball and not kick it
    Start yelling "Howzat!"
    And "Look at my bat!"
    And "Read the new Lemony Snicket." For a slightly spooky experience, try Googling "The maid of Tralee" (with the quote marks).
    A golfer with only one club [Irouléguy] Try clicking on the "repeat the search with the omitted results included" for a heavy dose of repetition.
    Will oft find his ball in a shrub
    This provides explanation
    of tight-lipped vexation
    Venting frustration o'er his flub
    Don't ever play poker with Mice!
    And don't let the cats near the dice!
    Don't play a smidgen
    Of chess with a pigeon
    or brag with a goat. That's vice.
    Avoid playing boule with a sloth
    And don't trust a Romulan's oath
    When he bellows, "Oh, blast!"
    Get out of there fast!
    Or else it's the end for you both.
    There once was a fair maid from Skye
    Who would bathe in a tub full of lye
    She'd scrub with wire wool
    (The naïve young fool)
    those parts in which men like to lie.
    The difference between you and me
    Is obvious. What? Can't you see?
    Just look down here
    There's nothing to fear
    I've filled up my basement with brie
    I never eat lobster or crab
    On the whole, I prefer food quite drab
    Don't mention a taco
    Tex-Mex gets me wacko
    Yes, bread rolls (I say) are just fab.
    A potter from Guadalajara
    Was enamoured of Maureen O'Hara
    So he threw a pot
    In the shape of her bot
    For use in films that don't star 'er.
    There once was a lonely young Tsar [oh you brits and your adorable vowels]
    Who searched for a bride wide and far
    In the Urals and Steppes
    He found some sales reps [Software] "Steppes" is a bloody hard rhyme.
    Who were wider than his Bentley car
    While charging my printer with ink
    I said to my spouse with a wink
    "How 'bout a quickie?"
    it'll be nice "n" sticky
    My inkjet is hard, stiff and pink." (yes, coat)
    Whilst scanning the paper for news
    as distinct from political views
    I chanced on a story
    Both funny and gory
    Of pool players impaled on cues
    So, pot all the reds and screw back
    And try to get onto the black [obvious rhyme]
    Then chalk your tip
    And prepare to let rip
    Damn it! Just can't get the knack!
    Eheu Alack and Alas!
    + ,
    Actually, let me take another run up at that, for a better rhyme...
    Eheu, alas and alack!
    A lass is, alas, what I lack
    So I'll look for a lad
    Can it be that bad?
    if I don't mind what goes up my back? Ahem
    [Rosie] Considering the available rhymes, I think you showed admirable restraint there!
    Believe me, it's going to snow.
    This is Antarctica, that's how I know
    The penguins are huddled
    But my mind is muddled
    Watch out! It's just ready to blow
    Uhu, alas and alack
    , is the glue-sniffer's version of crack (Projoy) :-) I am capable of such. I thought it was about rude enough.
    It sticks things together
    Be they wood, steel or leather
    Why doesn't it stick to the pack?
    Uhuru, alas and alek!
    That momma ain't got no respec'
    She got soft-boiled heggs
    And dem unshaven legs
    And wrinkles all over her neck
    Why, George, that's the best of the year!
    Took an age, but worth waiting, my dear!
    The thing I most like
    Is an interest rate hike
    And a drop in the price of my beer
    My alias, Alec O'Hara
    Wears orange and ocre mascara
    His glitter-gel pen
    Gives a rash, now and then
    But makes him look like Che Guevara
    Establish your characters first
    The hero's dashing, the villian's the worst
    The love interest's next
    With scenes of hot sex
    And the heroine's bodice all burst
    Now send it straight to Mills and Boon
    (whose office with virgins is strewn)
    Their readers adore
    Affairs by the score
    And sex by the light of the moon.
    Prepare for a minuscule death
    Don't even take a last breath
    Your quietus make
    as your life we Snopake
    'Tis come-uppance for stalking Gwyneth
    Salubrious parts of the town
    Are located quite a way down
    The old Royal Mile
    So go there with style
    With cigars, and dressed like a clown
    The pedantic ethnologist screamed
    For language was not as it seemed
    Since Phoenician vowels
    Would sound from the bowels
    And consonants emerge therefrom, steamed
    A disgusting limerick, to be sure
    Should be full of the stench of manure
    And filled up with sick
    jokes about Jackson's dick
    To dirty the minds of the pure
    Hypnosis with strawberry jam
    Can be undone with shortcake and ham
    Waved before one's left eye
    With a slice of Jewish rye
    And really not giving a damn!
    A cell that is eukaryotic
    That's steeped in substances narcotic
    Has a nucleotide
    Thats prone to divide
    To produce an antibiotic
    Prions in brains of mad bovinesc
    And the rancid remains of dead ovines (fifth line rhyme gauntlet laid down)
    If you think this is bad
    Then you must be mad
    And should be held in well-kept confines
    Yipsody yapsody yok
    Wha-a-a-a-?
    Whaaaaaat?
    The mouse ran up the clock Attempting a benign recovery. Must be going soft.
    The clock struck eleven
    The mouse went to heaven
    Yipsody yapsody yok It was the logical choice
    A cursory glance would suggest
    That this game has matured past its best
    Or perhaps that's just us
    'cos we do make a fuss
    C'mon all, it's all just in jest
    A limerick's no laughing matter
    It's more than mundane idle chatter
    It must be seriously taken
    And leaves some of us shaken My apologies.
    But time your illusions will shatter
    To the faithful - this game invariably goes through crap phases [like now]. Luckily, it usually dusts itself down and becomes occasionally brilliant without too much prodding.
    'Keep it simple' my tutor advised
    Complexity's to be despised
    The more succinct the better
    Good metre's no fetter
    To keeping your list'ner surprised
    My poofreader wrote I was wong,
    So I sent my first draught to Hong Kong
    And lo and behold
    The noodles were cold
    As was ym Eggy Foo Yong
    I've now installed an extractor . . . . getting into home dentistry
    A turbine and nuclear reactor
    But my house is still cold!
    Fission's best, I was told
    But forgot thermostats in to factor
    A centipede learned how to dance
    A fifty-leg pirouette prance
    But it just cannot jive
    With my big brother Clive
    As fast as these forty-odd ants
    Talking of centipedes, how about adding extra feet? (one per line)
    The earliest type of the Irish commode
    Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
    My grandfather used one for racing {is that right?]
    While virgins so chaste he was chasing{did he use a toad or a commode, and was he chaste?}
    But had to take care or the pot overflowed.
    Perhaps better as a glow centipede?
    The earliest type of the Irish commode
    Was made from the skin of a leathery toad
    Its warts gave one's nethers a jolly good scratch
    And when it wore out it was easy to patch.
    When my parachute did not quite open
    I plummeted down and kept hopin'
    The ground would be soft
    Where I stopped being aloft
    And for seconds it helped me with copin' [Raak] Isn't that more of a cleripede?
    [Projoy] Except a "cleripede" would be impossible, because you can't add feet to a poem with no metre, can you?
    The good folk of Minsk, Belarus
    Recently offered a truce (but to whom, to whom...?)
    To the men of Ukraine
    Who said, "What? Again?"
    "No! We think this is merely a ruse"
    [Darren] I was more referring to the way it used AABB rhyming structure instead of the ABCB of the glow worm. I perhaps meant "imposing feet upon the Clerihew".
    'Twas Clerihew Bentley, I think,
    Who caused the Belgrano to sink
    As he pulled out his plug
    And it started to glug
    He said "It's gone down in the drink."
    The Reverend Spooner, 'tis said
    Beamed when his queer dean was wed
    but not to Friar Tuck
    Who he called "fat duck"
    As he crushed their newly laid bed (matrimoni is not a sin!)
    He said: "I have sailed seven seas,"
    "In search of the perfect green cheese"
    But alas and alack
    Ive found blue, I've found black
    But none in the hue of green peas
    Tonight there's been lightning and thunder (Chalky) How did Edmond Clerihew Bentley cause the Belgrano to sink. I think we should be told.
    And a'tearing my garments asunder
    The humidity's high
    From my neck to my thigh
    And it's too hot to eat -- I'd just chunder!
    "Abracadabra !" said the wizard
    Dropping into his potion, a lizard
    And a piece of a frog
    Two fried balls of a hog
    And from his own pet warthog, the gizzard. Brothers and sisters, let us all puke.
    Quoth the hoary old priest, "Let us pray"
    "That the rain won't stop tennis this day"
    "It's God's favoured game"
    So take the Lord's name
    So that He can keep showers away"
    "I'm back!", cried the happy young man
    I survived the war in Iran
    But President Bush
    Kicked us all in the tush
    In the way that only he can.
    Resign if you must - I don't care!
    You can sue me in court -if you dare!
    But you must not try
    To poke me in the eye
    Or all of your sins I'll lay bare.
    I find, when I travel in vans
    That there's not enough room for my fans
    My groupies and flunkeys
    And trained helper-monkeys
    Are forced to stay over at Gran's
    Gran's last guests were Hansel and Gretel
    While Grandad's were Debbie and Petal
    While I entertained
    With arts unexplained (who's slash?)
    Bands: rock, punk, heavy metal.
    So what's Shangri-La when at home?
    It's to lie in a bathtub in foam
    And feast on the feeling
    Of pruning and peeling
    And arouse yourself with a comb.
    While trekking in Lhasa, Tibet
    I met a piano quintet
    The head lama played Liszt
    Another was pissed
    I'm taking one home as a pet
    I noticed my armpits got sweaty
    whenever I thought of my Betty
    My hyperhydrosis
    Backs up the prognosis
    That I need to cool off on the jetty.
    Last night as she entered her bed,
    My sweat glands started to shed
    Big globules of puss
    Puss?! As in cat? Priceless. Carry on chaps ...
    Ah med a reet fuss attempting a rescue.....
    'Bout disgusting lim'ricks - 'nuff said
    O to be a perfect type - ist
    And to be a flawless rhymist (the scansion, on the other hand...)
    That's a dream we all have, (Then tonite I’d want to get pissed!)
    As we sit on the lav There's only one direction this 'limerick' is going, and that's daaaahhhnnnn
    After riches (still top of the list)
    Let's all get in tune with the nation
    And channel our exasperation
    To make a wrong right
    We'll work through the night did think of "We'll kick the shite" but thought it might not pass the PC test.
    In a fever of pheromonation. There's a PC test?
    When you want to re-boot your PC
    Make sure the keyboard's not greasy
    Press "Ctrl-Alt-Del" pronounced "delete", not "del"
    And all will be well
    Let's try (It's a bit of a cheat) instead. [Raak] Do pay attention... ;-)
    So long as you press the right key, see? / So long as you press the right key, see?
    .. bifurcation to validate BOTH line 4s [mutt - I'm sure Raak knew exactly what he was doing]:-)
    A young chap from Horncastle, Lincs
    went once to see the Sphinx
    He loved his dear camel
    Whom he named after Pamel-
    a Anderson. Why? 'cause she stinks.
    A mad bomber from -- no, too soon for that I think.

    On a stroll in the gardens of Kew [Chalky] Well, I know now, I didn't see the middle two words.

    I discovered a cure for the 'flu
    Once I'd eaten the herb
    the bugs to disturb
    And it cured too my coeliac sprue
    "Play 'Misty' for me!", bellowed Wendy.
    To her new man - a Turkish effendi
    He played not a note
    Nor strummed his sarod
    Or blew on his brass horn so bendy.
    I know I've been gone for a while
    And left in a worrying style
    But I've now done my time
    And constructed a rhyme
    To puzzle, bemuse and beguile:

    My first letter looks like a tent
    My second's a coin oft spent
    Then ditto for three
    The fourth's a trainee
    And my last is the vowel in Lent

    [Chalks]*hasn't seen a doctor in months* (dammit, because some of them are actually quite good-looking)
    In a fairy tale that I once heard
    McDonalds serve fresh lemon curd
    Causing Little Miss Muffet
    To 'Go Large' on her tuffet Oblig.
    Until her-locution is slurred
    I stood in the nude and yelled "Stalin!"
    It didn't go down too well in Tallinn
    The Estonians booed
    The Lithuanians sued
    Made a great document'ry for Palin Is assonance allowed...?
    On this notable day for the French
    They set fire to a large garden bench
    It's forty foot high
    The flames reached to the sky
    But the smoke and the soot please don't mench'. (Bothere) Eh? I thought it was "Pay-lin".
    [Rosie] That's why I asked about assonance. In the word's of Rita, "Getting the rhyme wrong..."
    A lim'rick with dubious rhymes
    Is barely worth nickels and dimes I don't want this to develop into a punch-up but shurely "assonance" means getting the rhyme right. Did you mean "dissonance", as Google might patronisingly ask.
    It doesn't make cents My dictionary gives 'assonance' as 'partial correspondence; rough similarity', so Botherer is right about that, even if he doesn't know how to use apostrophes. *evil grin*
    [Irouléguy] Doh! It's a fair cop!
    And it's camp as pink tents
    Much in line with The Financial Times.
    I'm rowing the rivers for fun
    While attempting a painting in oils (Irouléguy) I'm not going to give this up. :-) My Concise Oxford Dictionary (1964) says of assonance that the vowels must be the same but not necessarily the consonants, this being the partial correspondence you mention. Since it's vowels we're talking about I claim victory, virtue and points, and what do points mean? Derailments.
    Oh, shit! Projoy, how dare you!
    My subject declares
    in four spades, no less . . . going with the flow
    "I'm so glad it wasn't a hornet!"
    A verse lacking reason or rhyme
    Can be seen around here all the time
    Just don't get involved [Rosie, IRG et al] Beyond the point of caring :-P
    Things are easily solved
    Just call it a victimless crime. (Raak) :-)
    I once met a man from Morocco
    where they don't get the scorching scirocco Meteorological correctness is all.
    Just a pleasant mistral
    Which slams doors in the hall yeah, yeah, I know it doesn't rhyme perfectly, but the picture in my head is nice :o)
    And winds up the chaps on our block oh

    What a pleasure it is to be given such challenging rhyming opportunities. And to get two such challenges in the one limerick! Appropos of everything - this may be of some interest to enthusiastic limerickators :-)

    To know when to keep ones mouth shut
    'Cos one's poesy don't make the cut
    A male attribute? raising the controversy level...
    No, that I'd refute (Chalky) I had thought of adding " . . and God help the fifth-liner" in the last limerick.
    The very idea,indeed, tut tut
    It is said that the pharaoh, King Tut
    Had a frantic aversion to fruit
    The mere thought of a plum
    Left him forlorn and glum
    And with bad indigestion to boot!
    The storms of the wild Southern Ocean
    Make a very unsettling commotion
    Whose effect on landlubbers
    Dustmen, nurses and clubbers
    Evokes tormentuous emotion
    O, list to these omens portentuous
    Yon Cassius' a Roman contemptuous
    But he has feet of Clay
    So send him away!
    And let's bring in Marcus Antonius
    While making his last bid for glory
    Michael Howard, the wily old Tory
    stripped anked and swam apologies to anyone eating their lunch
    Asking, "What's 'anked', kind Ma'am?"
    And displaying his assets, quite hoary.
    The weekend is finally here I couldn't decide whether Irouléguy had got the letters in the wrong order or simply left one out.
    Lawks m'm, it's the police
    I'll be loafing and vegging, right here [PM] we have nothing to hide but our genius ;o)
    Opening a bottle blushes deeply
    muttleee] It's the first one - a venial sin, not a mortal one.
    And binging, full throttle
    On the whisky and beer I've got here.
    While reading some tales Canterbury
    Of widows and others quite merry
    I marvelled at Chaucer's
    linguistic enforcers
    But thought the sex unnecessary. well .. someone had to finish it :-)
    [Chalks] Bravo!
    In my dreams, I'm a dustbin man's moll
    He whispers his love, "Aw'ight, doll?"
    "I'd like ta talk dirty"
    "'mong the garbage get flirty"
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