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The Obligatory Limericks Game
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When the Crescenters arrive at Rab...
The opening of a new site - Looks good so far.
Hurrah I'm the second one here!
I'm right behind, never fear
Take your hand off my knee
Or that expression of glee
Let's move things up to second gear
[erm...why wasn't I bold?]
let's see if this works
As the lim'ricks on rabs site got started
It wasn't for the squeamish or faint-hearted
But those that were bold
Let their talents unfold
While the rest of us merely farted! Mine's the purple velvet one with faux fur trim..
In 1775,
When MC at York first went live
The first move, they say
Was old Hendon Way
(An unusual place to arrive)
You're shutting your lids with a sigh Tupperware's UK offices were based on the top floor of the building I used to work in!
as people have found
for under a pound
You can get blown off by a guy! um, the dirty mac, please..
In the darkest recesses of Whitehall
The PM is holding a ball
It's Alistair Campbell's -
(His member's a shambles)
All mangled and terribly small
I can't get a date for tonight
Is my hair really that bad a sight?
My pheromone spray
Has a pungent bouquet
And the dog has run off in a fright
Lord Limerick is,sadly, deceased
he was last seen travelling East
To the end of line three
With the Maid of Tralee
And a horrible, slavering beast
'Well, it's not worth the effort,' she said
Whilst putting her husband to bed
"He seldom displays..."
"He usually just lays..."
"There and pretends that he's dead"
The baby is starting to crawl
so far his out in the hall
Reaching five miles an hour
WIth formidable power
Uh-oh - he's just stopped for a bawl
I've cleared a space under the stairs
For magic and other strange wares
Next door to a potion
I've some unknown lotion
That makes my hands covered in hairs
I've got a grenade in my case
So you'd better get out of my face!
Lest the Mad Pineapple
burst it to shrapnel I know it don't quite rhyme.
Sorry but it's a can of MACE! - sorry no one else was going to finish it.
Making sense over scansion and rhyme
Is often a complete waste of time
Cos if the words don't fit
They will in a bit
Hell, using too many syllables isn't a crime!
I've taken to riding a horse
but it's a pain in the bum, of course. Ouch!
But enough fiddle-faddle!
Take those spikes off the sdaddle!
[pen] 'blinkered', shurely?
And bloody well show some remorse!
I once had a wonderful dream
That I was passing a stream possible unfinished sentence alert
Of fine single malt whisky
Without taking the piss. Wee unfinished and dubious sense sentence alert...
Badger, quite drunk, shouted "FLEEM!"
Was that the exhaust that fell off?
I asked of a top hatted toff
He sneered down his nose
Out of which grew a rose
And caused the poor top toff to cough
My feeezer's encrusted with ice
And the pantry is chock full of mice Your feeezer? sounds painful
And as for the breadbin,
as well as the dustbin,
is covered completely with lice!
I have no sense of how to behave
Or indeed the way that I should shave
I have a good strop
and a rub down with a mop
And then I am oiled by my slave.
Adding a line because I was gazumped.
Whilst mowing the lawn in the nude
I was spied by my neighbor, the prude
With shears a-flashing
She came, a-dashing
And chopped off my daffodils, how rude!
On a whim today, I decided
To change sex again," he confided
But male or female?
He pondered by email
"Or perhaps I am just miss-guy-ded".
Whilst searching for sun, I found
A Kiwi, gagged and bound
I took off his helmet Oblig.
Which I nailed to the pelmet (In lack-of-rhyme mode there)
As he uttered a whimpering sound
It's spring, and the sap starts to rise!
A tumescence of frightening size !
*Break in space-time continuum*
Leaves me looking like I ate the pies
It came to me all in a flash
Why shouldn't I print my own cash?
It takes not much skill
To knock up a bill
And wait for the next Wall Street Crash
By jove, the weekend is here!
A cause, as ever, for cheer!
I shall gambol and caper
And read the newspaper
Until - no, it's Monday! Oh dear
And so we all trudge off to work
Dressed up like a crude, apeish berk.
It would be less bad
If only I had
Time to play moves, not just lurk
My passport is way out of date
The photo shot when I was eight
I was a boy in those days
Before a difficult phase
And, of course, 'twas before I met Kate.
I believe it's quite hard to rhyme orange
Yes, it is, and we've been there before.
Penelope has killed off one more
The blatant, man-eating whore! just kidding pen..
Her tastes are voracious
Her dress sense ... audacious? but what do I know ...
And I've heard that she consumes them raw You rotten swines :o)
I've invented a new kind of boot:
It sometimes emits a loud hoot
The heel is explosive
When touched by corrosive
but frankly, it costs too much loot.
Mohammed Said al-Sahaf I confess I sniggered when I spotted his name was an entire limerick line. The rhymes, of course, are up to you ...
Gave us all a jolly good laff
By always insisting
Iraq is resisting
And he's appearing on Saddam's behalf.
My friends, I have something to say.
My emotions can't get in the way.
I'm speaking with candour
I've got a big gander.
But sadly, I've nothing to lay. Now then, that's quite enough of all that. Move along now, please.
A green token at Notting Hill Gate
Is a tactic you can use to abate
A Circle Line Inversion
Without use of subversion
And lower the Harston Freem Rate
This technical talk is all greek
It's conventional wisdom I seek
For advice on a hat
Or which breed of cat
Or even the day of the week
  • The best breed of cat is the Moggy
    • I eat four when I feel a bit groggy
    I fry them with cheese Welcome Peneloope.
    After spraying the fleas
    Though I do find that makes them go soggy
    I want sausage, egg, chips and a tea
    That's for a friend, it's salad for me
    I'll have it with spam
    Washed down with a dram
    Of battery acid or three
    In case of emergency, you should
    Supply us with cold Yorkshire Pud
    A pint of warm ale,
    Which we slowly inhale
    Though we know it won't so any good

    ack! *do* any good... not "so"...

    I can spell but my proofreading sucks (drawing inspiration from ineptitude...)
    Eggs like a grandmother clucks
    Disapprovingly when
    are you coming? At ten?
    Those white-coated in their trucks.

    I remember the very first time
    Apologies - previous last line should read "Those white-coated men in their trucks" so much for proof-reading.
    Start again
    I remember the very first time
    I wrote my first limerick line
    It began with a word
    Writer's block then occurred
    A writer cried as he ran past
    "The monster that follows is vast"
    "So pick up your pen"
    "And let me know when"
    "It has finished its morning repast"
    There was a young lady from Crewe
    Who said not 'Good-day' but 'Adieu'
    For she went 'fore she came *parka please*
    She was never the same
    And I wouldn't like that - would you?
    The first day of summer is here
    And it's made my petunias go queer!
    They're drooping right over
    My four-leaféd clover
    Though I watered them with the best beer
    I've been stuck in the office all day
    With a pitchfork, a horse and some hay
    The resulting output *sidling towards coat rack*
    Means there's something afoot...
    The Amish have joined the twins Kray.
    Whenever I go to the shops
    Dow Jones rises but our FTSE drops
    One Euro is worth
    A fortnight in Perth (Scotland or Australia - you choose...)
    Or a ticket to Top of the Pops
    The kroner, peseta and lira
    Are no use on a trip to Madeira
    Not even escudos
    (Though they may earn you kudos)
    Will buy you a few pints of beer
    Enumerative Combinatorics
    Read at night, with a big mug of Horlicks,
    Is the very best thing
    To get back in the swing
    And to make you all true alcoholics
    A hairy young Vicar from Perth
    Should be given a very wide berth
    Lest his big hirsute mits
    Which are cold - he admits
    Be employed to assist giving birth
    Again unemployment is down
    Since everyone's becoming a clown
    simulposted - spooky! for I have a new job as a clown
    I perform in the House
    Where often I douse unfinished sentence alert..
    My wife, when she's in her best gown
    I wish I could be a buffoon
    And dance by the light of the moon
    I would prance like an elf
    Casting spells at myself
    And play Mahler on the bassoon
    A wonderful sight to behold
    Is rab (or so I am told)
    But snorgle, however
    (when clad all in leather)
    Makes poor Uncle Korky feel old I'm just asking for trouble, aren't I?
    [snorgle] Sounds like I owe your source a fiver.

    It seems pen's asking for trouble

    As I'm not quite as old as my double
    aside [rab] Can't bring yourself to write pen is on your own site to make it scan, eh? Why on earth not? ;o)
    But the double I've seen is
    [pen] Um... I was drinking a cup of tea at the time, which threw my scansion into disarray. Obviously.
    Now on The Tweenies invoking dubious rhyme
    And now my double is double bubble
    Whilst walking one day in Bangkok
    I happened upon Doctor Spock -- Keeping it clean; well, so far. :-)
    I asked his advice
    About pubic lice Sorry, Dujon, couldn't resist
    And then "Got the time on ya, cock?"
    Eurovision's come round again!
    So let's have a big hand for Spain
    'Cos they know how to dance
    So much better than France
    And list'ning to Norway's a strain
    And talking of strain:
    My diet is lacking in fibre a nice easy rhyme...
    My innards now flow like the Tigre
    It's not at all funny
    Why can't it be runny?
    And it's really not fun for my wiper. [I'm the Prince of Wales y'know]
    I'm in dire need of good advice!
    About the cost of herb and spice
    For I make pot pourri
    And I brew it like tea.
    Does it work to eradicate lice?
    Tonight, in the Big Brother House
    There will be an arrogant louse
    Who claims to know
    That Anouska will go
    OK, make that That Scott will soon go (who is from Liverpool)
    But will he talk or is he a mouse.
    sorry forgot a line.
    Is it fair to talk of mice and men?
    D'no. Good question Pen'.
    Why not speak of blatant floozies?
    Or of Tommy guns and Uzis
    Or of when we'll have lim'ricks again sorry, sorry -- I'm not usually a CAMREL activist ... but we are setting new records here. I don't think any of those lines scans appropriately for a limerick.
    In the quest for new methods of scansion
    < Mode= Huff >Oi, Oi, Oi!!! My line goes thus
    Is it fair to talk of mice and men... and I really don't see a problem with that or with any of the other lines.
    OTH, you are entitled to your opinion, but in your haste to make a point, you have chosen a line in which you have had to delete a syllable to make it scan. Perhaps you can now start us off on a suitable new scheme? ;o) < / Huff>
    We now return to our regular schedule... sorry to interrupt Uncle K, but I was simulposted.
    [pen] I really don't want to start another scansion war; god knows we have had enough of these. And I agree (and almost said, and should have said) that your line was ok except for the peculiar stress on a preposition. (Maybe you meant to set a limerick in which we would contrast talking of mice and men with talking to them? :-) ) But the other lines ... I'm sorry, but even with a lot of squeezing and twisting, they really can't be made to work. And, yes, I deleted a syllable. So what?
    Each line becomes prone to expansion
    The longer they get [pen] To be fair, I read your opener about 12 times and couldn't get it to fit what I consider a limerick pattern. But as CdM says, we don't want to go down the road of another scansion war (see the York archives for what happens when things get really ugly).
    The less well they vet
    And it all gets too ugly to mantion </scansion war> <pararhyme war> ...
    If you find yourself short of a rhyme
    Or your syllables all out of time
    Don't panic - just doodle
    Or suck on a noodle
    Or large Gin with tonic and lime
    Hurrah!

    When pen's full of derring and do

    s'funny, smells more like some poo. sorry Pen...
    No, in better light.. unfinished sentence alert
    the resemblance to shite
    Is this lim'rick. Now what shall we do?
    I once had a haddock called frank
    That I'd use to give children a spank
    The fish didn't mind
    Hitting a behind Yes, the maroon windbreaker. Thankye.
    cause he laughs all the way to the bank.
    "Stop thief!" came the cry from the bank
    said the man who was driving a tank
    Quite why he should yell
    well, no-one could tell
    but I suppose we've New Labour to thank
    Jonny Ball's a strange man on TV UK TV that is... I first remember him on Playschool.
    He said "Think of a number!" to me I always enjoyed his programmes!
    In refusing his game I wanted the car off choc-a-block
    I was only to blame Johnny Ball is a great man, and it is a tribute to him and to the dire state of contemporary children's TV that he would never make it today, on account of being over 12.
    For the subsequent puddle of wee
    It doesn't take a genius, you know
    to be able to write in the snow continuing the theme
    but calligraphy
    Whilst having a pee oblig, really.
    May result in a word overflow
    That President Bush is so smart!
    He gave Saddam Hussein quite a LART! LART = Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool, e.g. a sledgehammer.
    but Saddam's disappeared,
    behind a big beard
    And Osama Bin Laden's a tart lame, I know. *shrug*
    I'm so sorry, the news isn't good
    But we did everything that we could
    The defibrilator
    was unable to cater
    For a heart that was made out of wood
    A ride on the night bus to Romford
    Is a journey devoid of all comford [Yeah? Yeah? Wanna make something of it?]
    You part with your fare
    travel as far as you dare
    Then leap off and dash home just like Tom would [well - that's what HE told me and I have no reason to doubt him]
    On moving to Nik's shiny server
    We could scarcely contain our great fervour
    Our bookmarks are updated
    Download time truncated
    We're finally off that Bluecurve-r.
    D'oh! Forgot the bold!
    DrQu+xum is a forgetful chap
    That's why he suffered this mishap:
    He left out a tag
    But tags aren't my bag (qua pantsmc)
    He'll get it right next time, mayhap.
    Ignore not the rules of scansion
    Whether trochees, iambs or dipthong
    When being quiet anal
    When being quite anal obviously, although quiet anal possibly deserves some examination as a concept
    Complaints are morainal (OK, I used Rhymezone to find that one.)
    So fill out your lines with aplomb.
    A game of Celebrity Shares
    Will attract the bulls and the bears
    The trading is brisk [a gift of a rhyming opportunity]
    But better not risk
    All your assets. (But frankly - who cares?)
    While walking to work in the rain
    I danced as I felt quite insane
    [Bifurcating]I felt like Gene Kelly/I jumped in a puddle
    (as opposed to George Melly) / found a stranger to cuddle
    And sang out THAT well-known refrain / Then suggested acts base and profane [oo-er]
    The day you install a new bath
    Should be marked by drinking a swift half,
    But - beer or bathwater?
    Should I drink? Well I oughtta - weren't expecting that eh?
    Before I go down the bath path
    To make the best beef and veg. stew,
    First kill your cow. Then take two
    Bushels of sweet potatoes
    Fry them on a hotplate, close
    The oven, wait, serve, spear and chew - I like the creative scansion going on here!
    I once met a young plain-clothes nun
    Disguised as Attila The Hun
    Yet I (to my shame)
    Thought she was on the game
    Now Attila the Nun's on the run!
    I got caught out today in the rain
    With an outcome of very great pain
    I was poked in the eye
    And was told "Get me dry!"
    By the great and irate Michael Caine
    I wonder where porcupines sleep?
    On cliffs? In a cave? In the deep?
    Laying still and supine
    (All their quills must align)
    Else the prickles will tickle their feet.
    Be careful when you knock on doors
    Especially in the Azores
    You just never know
    You'll find on the loo
    P'raps Andrea or Jim from The Corrs... some well dodgy rhyming going on there!
    Do the light bulbs need changing in here?
    Who'll do it? And what's their career?
    The task is quite tricky
    The end might be sticky
    Let's just put it off till next year.
    Awww... and I thought someone would pick up on my feed line re: How many (people of a particular walk of life) does it take to change a lightbulb?
    Uncle Korky is feeling let down [mea culpa]
    And Chalky a bit of a clown
    Our lim'ricks lack wit
    Our rhyming is crap
    So it's good that our scansion is sound
    Penance complete! Further self-flagellation not required! :-)
    Take a deep breath, and let yourself go
    down to London on a very slow
    train, that breaks down
    In a Devonshire town
    Just south of Westward Ho
    Now, not wishing to come over all Westcountry on you... I believe Mr Ho is in Somerset, not Devon...
    Not that that need preclude somewhere lying just south of that. And in any case if moi geographee be nart in the roight koinda areahh, there's definartlee one ah them thassavam exclumashion markie jarbies afer 'Ho'. Oh God I wish I hadn't grown up in Carrrnwalll...
    Westward Ho! is indeed in North Devon. The main failing in the above the the absence of a railway line in the area Ho! Hum!
    Calamity! Apologies for the drunken outpourings. That'll learn me.
    Let's draw the line under that then :-)
    Geographical know-how is fine [but....]
    But where would you all like to dine?
    I know a good spot
    Where it won't cost a lot
    Though I hope you enjoy drinking brine
    I got lost on my way in to work
    My boss will think I'm on the shirk
    But my caravanette
    Is slippy and wet
    I went tits-up and felt a right berk
    That evening, I felt a right tit
    It was soft, warm and round, though a bit
    droopy, although
    I would like to know
    Which girl was the owner of it.
    Some men have remarkable breasts [hmmm . . must be open season on lewd sauciness - PantsMC is similarly obsessed. I blame Darren]
    Which show when the geezers wear vests [I don't think I'm particularly lewd or saucy. Not compared to most other people, anyway. In what way should the lewdness and sauciness be curtailed? Any suggestions?]
    You're not. T'was a joke.
    Such pendulous mounds [Nowt wrong with a touch of sauciness. It all depends on where the line that shouldn't be crossed lies, and that everyone is in agreement with it]
    Should be hid, on the grounds
    Of upsetting our VIP guests
    They say we're all getting obese
    But really we're just wearing fleece
    On our stag nights we leap
    right into the heap...
    of roast lamb laced with oodles of grease.
    The heat is still on Tony Blair
    And his lying colleague Alistair
    Now that wasn't quite true
    What they claimed they could do
    But at least they both tried, for a dare.
    Forgive me - for asking you this . . .
    Can you hold this while I have a p*ss
    it is nothing rude!
    although slightly chewed
    But beware, it's a mess when I miss.
    Whenever you start a new day
    Take a deep breath and yell, "Hip Hooray!"
    Then take off your pants
    Check your recent implants
    And your morals will then go astray
    I lay myself down now to sleep
    On this couch that I found going cheap
    But the springs aren't quite right
    I'll be up most the night
    Installing the ones from my jeep
    At lunchtimes, I eat quite a lot
    from the buffet - both cold food and hot
    My mid-afternoon snack
    Matches my brown anorak
    Which I flash in, more often than not.
    I noticed, whilst having a shower,
    That I'd developed my own super power
    "Eureka," I cried
    As I started to slide . . .oo-er
    On the soap for at least half an hour
    "She said she was nineteen, yer honour
    If I'd known, I would not have lain on her
    And bumped up and down (very highbrow!)
    And spun round and round
    It was later I knew t'was Madonna
    It's a 'rollover' weekend again
    And so I shall be stripping for men
    And then let them grope
    In the misguided hope
    *with a great effort of will, resists temptation to post line ending in "pen"*
    That their fumblings'll score ten out of ten. [CdM - am assuming that the above isn't line 5]
    The outcome is certain, that's true [CdM] You're too kind :o)
    A bed made especially for two Ooer, missus
    With a whip and a rope I'm in a funny mood..;)
    Plus some carbolic soap [snorgle :-)]
    And a drop of the best superglue.
    If you wear a hat, you should know
    That it brings you nothing but woe
    For when the wind blows
    From your head off it throws
    Thereby leaving your bald patch on show.
    Whilst driving a red Kia Pride
    I found a dead body inside
    It stank to high heaven
    So I drove down to Devon
    Where 'twas easier than Oxford to hide.
    I do hope that I am not overstepping the line
    Oh no! I've done it again!
    I've been caught 'below decks' with a WReN
    She gave her consent
    When our passion was spent
    To reveal all I knew to the men.
    In an effort to be more appealing
    I have plastered myself to the ceiling
    From this lofty abode
    O'er the family Spode
    I would welcome a cup of darjeeling [very Lewis Carroll]
    All above - muddy rarvellous!
    A mishap while I hoovered the floor
    Caused the hoover to suck up the door
    The windows and walls
    and even my smalls
    not to mention my Greenwing Macaw
    It's rainy and windy and wet well in Cardiff, anyway, and I'm going to damn well make you all suffer as well!
    No respite from that curry, as yet Terrible thing, IBS...
    I can still smell the sauce
    'Cos I'm farting in Morse sorry people - Uncle K's fault :-)
    So best dash, Dot, in case it should set
    They say that it's rude to stare
    But I really don't care
    Also, I smell
    Like the cesspits of Hell
    'Cause I bathed in yak's milk for a dare [Darren - that's your second smelly third line!]
    I suffer from awful BO
    You'll smell it wherever I go [That's my third!]
    My pox scabs are rotting [Darren - shame - I was feeding you a third line and we simulposted]
    And my groin is hotting [Hint: up]
    up by the hour, it's gonna blow!! [rab - hint taken, v subtly done :-)]
    I cannot believe it's not butter
    is not easy to say with a stutter
    So I'll spread it with jam
    Or bake it with ham
    Or beat it at golf with a putter.
    I appear to be missing a ball
    Said Adolph Hitler, to us all
    I'll take one of Goering's
    Cute spherical nose-rings
    And clip it to Eva Braun's shawl.
    I don't like the way that it sounds
    When love-making strays out of bounds
    And I'm in the next room
    On top of a broom
    But at least for divorce I have grounds
    I'm a hundred and twenty today!
    So unless I drop dead
    Oh dear - taking rudeness to faint new depths...*Don't I deserve head?*
    Before I waste slowly away [Don't be coy, pen - I'm sure we were all thinking the same :-)]
    Nothing wrong with a bit of bawdiness.
    That's not a limerick line, btw
    Now bawdiness just ain't my style lies, lies and more lies ;o)
    We'll leave that to Chalky and Kayl
    They prefer, so it's said,
    To say this instead:
    "I love how you shunt as I strile" (Have I had Kayl's pronounciation wrong all this time - i took it to rhyme with shale...? No criticism intended, just curious!)
    [blamelewis] I was never too sure, myself, but decided that Kayl is the only MC player I could think of whose name might rhyme, so I used a bit of limeretic licence. And are you telling me your name isn't pronounced bla-melloo-iss?

    It's high time that I wrote a first line

    You did a good job - that one's fine!
    The next one is bad
    The fourth one is trad
    And this last? Just call it asinine!
    Today I must trim all my warts
    So I can look good in my shorts
    The one on my heel
    Is starting to feel
    Like the ball from a basketball court.
    I come back to England tonight Really! First lot of Fish n' Chips for 4 months! Can't wait!
    Proving that I'm not that bright
    What's more, I will wear
    The pelt of a bear
    And thus be a nightmarish sight Sorry to do 3rd and 5th, but this one had lain around for far too long
    just an observation - limericks that begin with an 'actual' first-person experience are always tricky to follow . . .
    Whenever the clock chimes, I wonder
    Which cities I'll ravish and plunder
    For at 12.59,
    I think its the time,
    To steal, pillage and wrent asunder
    It's a hundred degrees in the shade
    And commuters' tempers are frayed
    For instant relief
    Penelope Keith
    Is free, in the Penny arcade.
    When Valéry Giscard d'Estaing
    Goes out to buy six petits pains
    There's not enough argent
    To feed him and his sergeant Pronunciation? What's that then?
    Aujourdhui et demain au matin.
    My legs have just melted away
    With my third hit of acid today
    A purple giraffe
    Has invaded my gaff
    Which I wasn't expecting 'til May
    I've married my step-son's third cousin
    Tongues are wagging nineteen to the dozen
    The consanguintee
    (See the family tree)
    Did not vote for Anders Fogh Rasmussen
    (That's the prime minister of Denmark, as you know.)
    If Ricky had've lost that number . . . bbcR2 playing here
    We'd be up to our ears in old lumber
    But Ricky is just
    Earning a crust
    Aboard that knackered old boat on the Humber     . . . thought I'd administer a swift but humane killing. Ricky obviously didn't capture imaginations. Moving swiftly on . . .
    Emblazoned across the wall
    Are the words, "This is nothing at all"
    "There is nothing to see"
    "If you don't pay a fee"
    But fork out and the sight will appall
    Nasturtiums are an edible bloom lovely in salads!
    Which are currently enjoying a boom
    But pansies, they say
    Will make you turn gay This is one of those oblig ones, isn't it
    And a tulip's a portent of doom.
    A great metropolitan man
    Alighted the train at East Ham
    He walked several miles
    Towards Chalfont St Giles
    And declared Mrs Trellis a sham
    I'm not taking prisoners today
    I will eat all who get in my way
    "Any chance of a fork?"
    I asked of a dork
    Then I tucked into him straight-away!
    When exposing a snake in the grass
    Be careful you act with some class
    Otherwise, keep it schtum
    By inserting your thumb
    And heading it off at the pass
    It's painful to make the admission
    That your power is from nuclear fission
    But it's safer than coal
    But on the whole
    just leave it to your electrician
    Garden sparrows, wrens, finches and tits
    Can all be assembled from kits
    Using small bits of wire
    And an old rubber tyre
    And a car engine, taken to bits.
    The beauty of avian construction
    Is the match of its form to its function
    You must get this right
    For the things to take flight
    Lest they plummet on down to destruction.
    The terrible thing about crows
    Is that I've got three stuck up my nose
    They peck at my eyes
    Unbutton my flies
    and crap all over my toes
    My budgie looks terribly strange
    I think it's got some sort of mange
    It's purple and green
    It's lost all its sheen
    And it's singing "Oh, Home on the Range"
    To make sense of the birds and the bees
    one must crawl on one's hands and one's knees
    And look for a clue
    About what to do
    Re. the mating behaviour of fleas
    In Ottawa, during the blackout, (Just got back)
    I got my adventuring pack out [UK] Love the last line of the budgie one.
    My Leatherman tool
    My good old slide rule
    And a Packet of three (just about) My good old slide rule
    It was just as the night turned to dawn
    When I decided to blow on my horn
    I woke up the neighbours
    By tossing them cabers
    I sell it as DIY porn
    A spider just ran up my leg just to creep certain people out..:)
    And left, in my knickers, an egg (there are certain recurring themes here...)
    For warm incubating . . . assuming the knickers are warm
    And the chance of creating
    Thousands of spiders - oh smeg!
    A wasp laid its eggs in my foot
    Then stung me, the ungrateful brute What is this? David Cronenberg Limerick hour? yeuugh...
    [blamelewis] I'll spare you "There are maggots infesting my brain" then.
    Its progeny hatched - Does Software not know about the magic of the >b< tag?
    >b< even.
    I give up.
    and were swiftly despatched . . . having problems Darren? hehehe.
    By a blow to the head from my boot - How about the magic <b> tag, Darren? - I find it works better :)
    With killer bugs eating my face,
    I sprayed myself well with some Mace
    Then to cut out the pain
    I cut out my brain
    And replaced it with Chantilly lace . . . like you do :-)
    Thus spake Zarathrustra (to me):
    "It's lovely to be a Parsee"
    For when you are dead
    You get breakfast in bed
    and in mid-afternoon, you get tea.
    "Ecce homo!" he cried to the crowd
    "How dare you?" I replied aloud
    He said, "Ooh get her!"
    Then his fists were a blur
    Thus to prove his manhood and stand proud.
    With a deafening cry of "Eureka!"
    Duncan Smith took a swing at the Speaker.
    He took up the Mace
    Wiped the egg off his face
    And became the Commons' first streaker.
    I've run up a slate at the bar
    As a Silk this is just about par.
    Then I ran down a bike,
    Ran into a dyke,
    Which won't take my career very far slack... but a mercy killing.
    The rich make their to Cancun
    Gah! YES! let's try again..
    The rich make their way to Cancun
    The poor remain stuck in Rangoon
    And that's where they'll stay
    'Til they make their way
    to their graves, with their rice bowl and spoon.
    There's nothing like bright merry laughter
    For post-coital gloom the day after
    So tickle me pink
    With a blinky wink wink
    On the other hand - just go and shaft 'er. - COAT!!!
    Oh, dear! I appear to be dead.
    I wish I was living instead.
    I should not have jumped
    Can I claim I was bumped?
    Or I sleepwalked off of Beachy Head?
    Your Honour, the verdict is clear.
    And I tell you, without any fear
    The defendant's a duck
    At him throw the book
    - he's guilty of rhymes worse than Lear. phew!
    The trouble with Britain today
    Is the Gummint won't do things my way
    If I were dictator
    I'd sort out this state, or
    sulk, pout and call you all "Gay"!
    The head of Alfredo Garcia
    Is, sadly, now missing an ear
    It got pulled right off
    By a dodgy old toff
    Who'd had far to many crates of Beer
    Announcing my can-di-da-cy,
    I'd like to become an MP
    I've reached the right weight
    Appeared on 'Blind Date'
    And now, Captain Peacock, I'm free-eee
    Alighting the train in Pristina
    I met a cute girl called Christina
    She was going my way
    (and we did have all day)
    But all she would drink was Ribena
    The best way to piss off a rhino
    Is to tweak him and call him a wino
    Then pull down your pants
    Do the St Vitus dance
    Mind the horn, though 'cos it can be final! (employing "Cockney Cheeky Chappy" convention)
    While out in the bush, hunting dik-dik,
    I ran from a snake, very quik-quik
    However, the beetle
    Though not eating meat'll
    Still make a bloke feel quite sick-sick.
    Let's all go and moon David Blaineyarr..
    Yes! We could meet up on the train! Arrr!!
    We'll stand in a line Avast! what a sight we be! Yarrr!
    And drink buckets of Wine
    And drop all our pants in the rain
    [Sorry to hog two lines, but I have to know...]
    Will somebody kindly explain
    The point of this tit, David Blaine
    Is it just show biz
    Does anyone know? Is
    It worth bringing him up again?
    If you swallowed him bring him up quick!
    He'll be right if you make yourself sick!
    Your face went quite red
    At the mention of Fred
    Have you eaten him too, you great prick? - I'll be needing that coat after all.
    Well, now that I've broken my wrist - and will be in agonising pain for the next 4-6 weeks thanks to some idjit learner driver...
    You'll be spared the caress of my fist[MF] Commiserations. Sue!
    And the way that I pass
    my hand over your ass sorrysorrysorry - I don't know what's come over my this morning ...
    To fondle your sebaceous cyst - yughk ! [pen] Don't call Martha, Sue, he doesn't like it.
    I hate that I've become a mute I've still got no voice!
    But still I am sexy and cute
    The sight of my curves
    And my shimmying swerves
    Is sweeter than the sound of a lute.
    [D, UK, R & Bm] dead right too :o)
    Discovered "in flagrant delight",
    I am on display every night
    Flagrante delicto
    With my fragrant big toe
    Who says such a thing can't be right?
    I've recorded my thoughts onto tape
    on the music from "The Great Escape"
    This suicide note
    I leave in your coat
    as you seem to have mislaid your cape
    Come workers, and throw off your chains!
    Let's go, and destroy all the trains!
    Our bold insurrection
    Means we'll miss our connection
    And we we'll wait for three hours at Staines
    When you find yourself gasping for air
    And no-one around seems to care
    Take a deep mental breath
    be prepared for your death
    And kiss farewell to your derriere oblig.
    Let's all go out with a bang
    And a zoom and a whizz and a clang
    For with any luck
    We'll hit more than a duck
    And the rest of the world can go hang!
    It was twenty years ago today
    Sgt.Pepper thought Lennon was gay
    So he tried a test
    And then pulled off his vest
    And found Yoko Ono in play!
    I'd like to be under the sea
    And take part in the Whale's Jamboree
    The octopus can
    make mincemeat of man
    With tentacles one, two and three
    But tentacles four, five and six to continue a second verse...
    are for en-tire-ly separate tricks
    Pick a card, any card...
    ... study it, long and hard
    And the tentacles will beat you with sticks.
    Now, tentacles seven and eight (Oblig.)
    (the subjects of fiercesome debate)
    Are they just spares? (Chalky) Fearsome? Fierce? :-)
    Used only on stairs?
    or just put on show in the Tate? -like dead sheep...
    But all the tentacles have suckers The grand finale! :)
    When aroused, every one of them puckers
    into shape most beguiling
    The creature is smiling
    No wonder! It's caused a great ruckus. [Rosie - re. above] yeah - one of my invented words.
    While making a nice good thick gravy Without lumps, I'll have you know.
    An art which I learned in the navy
    I dropped in the pot
    A crusty old Scot
    - when he came out, his curlies were wavy. There is no alternative ...
    We were sad when Pants went away Yes, we were :-(
    It was oh such a very sad day
    For both players and vicars Hmm... anyone in a real 'Friday afternoon' frame of mind care to follow on...?
    Are bereft of their knickers ... wondering if there was a ruder word I could have used . .
    As they squat in the cats litter tray
    If you catch a whiff of ammonia,
    You should travel at once to Livonia
    Eùmist kõrd mierdõ (Carpe Diem invoked)
    You've pissed up me 'airdo Er . . .Will this do?
    And now I've got double pneumonia ... best I could do - given the bizarre switch to 'first person'.
    I don't mind the getting up early
    When the dawn is tendrilled and pearly
    But what I can't stand
    Is the touch of your hand
    That's caressing my Curly Wurly
    I once was attacked by a squirrel
    Whilst using an epidural only 2 rhymes left, unless someone uses their imagination..
    Which I had received
    in my dire hour of need (snorgle) Where's Birkenhead?
    from a backstreet old quack, name of CyrilScouse avoidance invoked
    To make a relationship work
    IDS must convince us he's sane - uphill struggle in Blackpool
    Bugger, simulpost, Hi Chalks, BTW
    One must not act up like a jerk - going with Chalks, on this one.
    To make a relationship work
    One must not act up as a jerk
    By groping those bits
    That the hand nicely fits
    you'll drive any female berserk. (Uncle K) Birkenhead - Wirral, squirrel. :-)
    A microwave oven will cook
    An elk, a badger, or rook
    But if you try bison .. oh dear - more animal cruelty. See Orange - NB. not for the squeamish
    or even Mike Tyson
    It could get quite ugly - don't look!
    The loveliest boy in the school
    Is usually gay, as a rule Squirrel and Wirral don't rhyme to me!
    You can tell by his satchel
    He hangs out with Tatchell (thanks for the feed, Chalky)
    He's as gay as a damsel Oh, dear, Chalks, another duff rhyming word
    Bugger simulpost
    At Eton, being camp is thought cool might as well get this over with.
    Never mind, Softers. Rest assured, I would never post anything that didn't have a rhyme - but in this case, there was really only the one which rab picked up. Now for linesperson duty ...
    When simulposted, I just stare
    At a line which ain't meant to be there
    My brilliance is wasted!
    My genius untasted!
    And my fine words are all rendered spare.
    While studying a map of Belgrade
    On my yacht (for I'm rather well paid)
    There's a gaping big hole
    the size of a goal
    at the place where explosives are made.
    There once was a house on a hill
    Just Checked, it's up there still
    Oh dear. It's turned Tartan
    And I'd so set my heart on (unfinished sentence alert)
    Grey pinstripes made out of fine twill. ... It seemed lonely sitting here for days without a finale.
    Well there I was, wondering if anyone would bother finishing it off and up you pop ... with, if I may say, a very elegant last line. Bravo.
    I went to the tailor's this morning
    (Quite early - just as the day's dawning)
    "Which way do you dress?" [well done, Duj]
    , he enquired. In distress,
    "With just simply the suit I was born in."
    It's high time you told me the truth
    without being rude and uncouth
    "well, its like this"
    "I want you to kiss"
    And to what she said next I said "STREWTH!"
    My sins now I wish to confess
    I admit I like wearing a dress
    But so what? I'm a girl
    not some poncy old earl (Projoy) Are you, in fact? I'm not, BTW.
    Though I've often been called 'My Princess'
    Durn it, forgot the bold!
    All conferrences over, thank God
    With IDS left on his todd
    His politics should be dangling sentence alert
    cast into the sea
    and consumed by ravenous cod.
    Forgot the underline. Here goes.
    [Rosie] Is that Newcastle Underline?

    The secret to being a man

    Was mislaid in the back of a van
    it's hormones, you see The last time I was mislaid in the back of a van.........;-)
    Causing trouble for me
    and the poor sod who has no idea how to make this last line scan. (Thos) No, actually it was Ashton Underline. Sorry!
    Bugger! Done it again.
    Summer comes with the much warmer weather
    And the crack of bare willow on leather.
    By "leather," I mean
    my pants, Josephine
    When I'm fastened to you by a tether
    Rosie/pen - oh-ho! It looked so innocuous until it got that far!
    The trouble with wasting one's time
    Over looking around for a rhyme
    Is that some are so tricky
    That you can't be too picky
    and ridiculous displaces sublime. Alas!
    I seem to be finishing an awful lot of these, maybe because I go to bed rather late and don't really do mornings. The joys of retirement! It's not one o'clock yet so maybe some night owl can start one.
    My undies have turned pink and blue......It's been a bit like that, Rosie, I too have left a few for others of late. I suspect it's just 'one of those things'.
    And I owe the whole thing to you
    Colours don't mix with whites [Rosie] I'm going to be working nights come next month, so I anticipate doing some entire limericks myself...
    And I'm working nights (sorry to hog two lines but frankly BM's line was too good to pass up)
    But in darkness, you can't see the hue.
    [Rosie: I seem to find myself doing a lot of first lines. Perhaps its all in the timing. Should we set up a kind of limerick tag-team?]
    It's Monday again. What a pain!
    Let's get naked and dance in the rain!
    But there's work to be done!
    And that man's got a gun!
    Still, better than being David Blaine.
    There's a rumour down St. Austell way
    That the vicar's an awfully good lay
    The rev's a woman, you see
    So let's, after tea
    Get down on our knees and then prey. yes, I can spell ...
    As God said to me yesterday
    'It's a shame that mans' feet are of clay,'
    "But women's are wood"
    "which isn't much good"leaving an opening for a grand finale....
    When rolling around in the hay.... that was pantsy wasnt it?... onwards and downwards...
    The voices I hear in my head
    Say, "Kill them all, make them all dead!"
    So keep out of my way
    If you're planning to stay
    Alive, and not copiously bled.
    Beware! There's a beast on the loose
    It's already beheaded a moose
    It's got massive claws
    And three sets of jaws
    All SNARLY like big men called Bruce.
    apologies to any non-snarling mild-mannered Bruces out there
    I wish to object very strongly
    For being treated so wrongly (I know, I know!)
    You cad, oh, you fiend
    I feel so demeaned
    And you have made my face grow long-ly
    And now I shall sue you for slander! [invoking more fiendish rhymes]
    For you called me 'a cad and a bahnder'
    But wives make good secs topicality invoked
    And they come with free specs [doubling entendre]
    And they all call their husbands, "Commander" That was a bizarre swerve, Projoy!
    Darren - didn't you realise that IDS's given name is Longfaced Bruce?
    Evidently not.
    There's a lot of <HR> tags above!
    Yeah. 'Fess up.
    But still, it is you that I love!
    ahem..
    There's a lot of HR tags above!
    But still, it is you that I love!
    May I be so <bold>
    Ahem...
    May I be so <bold%gt;
    You're simply too old (I thought I'd get a few in the bank back there.)
    And you're ugly, when push comes to shove. [Darren] Well, I was recalling that IDS had threatened to sue anyone who impugned his character over the matter of his sec's life.
    I'd risk all the world for your smile
    As you smile in a very strange style
    Your teeth are perfection
    Despite the infection
    which makes your gums shrink back a mile
    Your feet are the colour of sin
    So let's just pop them back in the bin
    Your hands, I shall chop
    To sell in my shop
    With a pie with your entrails in
    That last name made the homepage all wide and ugly. This is not the start of a limerick.
    This is:
    The homepage is ugly and wide
    And all rotten and stinky inside
    We have rab to thank
    for the stink that it stank
    - He caused it, though much he denied!
    A magician, on doing a stunt,
    That was *meant* to start a new limerick
    Made sure that his knives were all blunt
    His assistant insisted
    That on throwing, they twisted
    And kept well away from her front! (see how clean and restrained I managed to be)
    It is said there's naught like a full moon
    To encourage a lowly buffoon
    to pull down his pants
    And bathe in red ants
    Till his buttocks are like a balloon.
    I heard it once said in jest:
    That Carlsberg is "prob'ly" the best
    But Heineken reaches
    the parts that one teaches
    To stick their hands up ladies' vests.
    When dancing at the P'liceman's Ball
    I said, "No, dear sir, not at all!"
    "I will not grab hold"
    "Do you think me so bold"
    "As 'pride' comes just 'fore a 'fall'"
    A Chinese has been up into space
    Wins the 'Great British Takeaway' race
    Now the Yanks are all jealous
    and that seems to tell us
    Competition's the thing they can't face.
    A Yank and a Chink in a bar
    One in armour, and one on guitar
    The Chink went clink
    The Yank tried to think
    But for a Yank, that just goes too far. Yup, I love our cousins across the pond. But they are Canadian ...
    Gay bishops will guide us henceforth
    (They're the one's who don't know south from the north)
    They'll be quick to preach...
    And then they will reach (dot dot dot)
    Shirtlifters the way of the cloth Pronounced clorth by all Dick Emery style vicars, as you will recall.
    err ... substitute the for with :o)
    blimey - well done Software. I realised after I'd posted that first line - there are only two true rhymes.
    Intelligent bio-design
    is awfully fiendish to rhyme
    But nevertheless
    I'll try to impress
    By invoking the presence divine.
    [P, s, r, D & K] - satisfyingly concise and to the point!
    If I end all parental controls
    Will my offspring turn out to be trolls?
    Or will they just lurk?
    and never get work
    , indulgence being one of their goals.
    If I could go backwards in time
    All the things that I'd do
    I'd teach you a new way to rhyme (Since Projoy has varied from the Limerick form, let's just see where this goes. I've started what seems to be an ABAB pattern.)
    And I'd keep winning the Lottery, too I memorise the numbers every week on the offchance that I will fall into a wormhole and go back to last month...
    [Darren] I was actually shooting for a reverse limerick there (i.e. mine was line 4) but no matter...
    The perfect acausal-type crime (unfinished sentence alert)
    All the bits seem to be there, so shall we move on?>< hr>
    On Sundays, I just like to laze
    On Saturdays, shirk... since the last reverse failed, let's try again
    'Til Friday I work
    The week passes by in a haze
    On Mondays my head's in a daze ... that gets the job done
    How about a word reversal one now ...
    reverse to has just one sometimes
    perverse so be often can rhymes
    kilter off up end you
    filter a need words do?
    .....verse of form this 'gainst many are crimes
    Again! Again!
    then okay ...
    low brought often is scansion the where...
    show to eager who're experts are there ... Double enders, eh? Excellent.
    are they clever how
    far too goes it now
    foe formidable a metre's rare
    Time in backwards go could I if
    ,thyme and parsley and rosem'ry sniff,
    past the of think I
    vast was garden My
    crime a are looks youthful Richards Cliff
    There's hardly a day that goes by
    When you see people screaming out, "Why?"
    Are they stupid, or mad .... [Chalky] you missed 'sage' above - sorry, I rather like S&G.
    When they talk of Baghdad?
    No, they once met Uday and Qusay.
    Whilst hunting around for some sage
    I met a bacteriophage
    He had a big microscope
    Which used a rare isotope ... Obviously not a scanning device
    In a sensor wired up to a gauge
    [Tina] If you want to highlight your entries, there are some helpful tips in the 'Banter Game' - about 4 or 5 pages back :-)
    Biology's all very well
    For people with no sense of smell-Thanks Chalky
    But ammonia gas
    Will empty the class oh, those northern vowels of mine...
    Long enough to be saved by the bell.
    By 'eck, lad, it's grim in the North
    Och, cruvvens! Ye've no' seen the Forth!
    So, oi'll stick to moi coider
    (moi cumfert provoider)
    In the Snug of "The Bear", Perranporth
    It's quaite naice dyne h-yah in Surreh (sic)
    We even eat foodstuffs laik curreh (sick)
    In our hiyses of staine
    orf porcelaine of baine
    Which the servants prepare, so whay worreh?
    They say that to lead a long life
    You must eat your peas with a knife
    Simulposted .... It is wise not to move to East Fife (in a desperate attempt to avoid yet another life/knife/wife limerick) ... I was just too late, it seems :-)
    better luck next time CdM - remember not everyone here posts in 'Orange'.
    If you used a long spoon
    You'd finish too soon.
    [Chalky] True. However, a troll through the archives on the three main servers finds eight life/wife/knife limericks, and a further twelve where life is rhymed with either wife or knife. (There are several that involve pea-eating among them. :-) ) And that is without the !York or Pants archives. I think that "life" should be classified with "month", "silver" and "orange" in the officially-frowned-upon file. But maybe that is just me.
    And that will be the day that you die-F
    -or they sing "Bye, American Pie
    [Chalky (and Tuj)] Re-reading, that comes across as kind of critical, which was not my intention; my apologies for that. It was meant more as a tongue-in-cheek observation about what happens when you have been hanging around these servers for too long.
    It's the best in the south you can buy ... This is becoming somewhat surreal.
    If banoffee or lime
    Seem less than sublime [CdM] quite so :-)
    wash it down with plenty of rye.
    They say there's a whorehouse in Texas
    Where girls bounce on you solar plexus
    So your breath comes in fits
    You burst all your zits
    BUT! It's all lies - made up by some lechers.
    I once heard a lecher remark:
    "Hello there, my name's Alan Clark"
    I once was a Tory
    But that's a long story
    If you'd like, we can f*ck in the park
    While pruning a bush in the garden Butchering, more like.
    I found myself caught with a hard 'ern ... Lowering the tone, unless some horticulturist might rescue it.
    I got out my clippers
    In front of the nippers
    - They didn't get even a 'pardon!'
    I once took a trip to Estonia
    Where brass bands have several euphonia.
    I joined with a band
    And got a big hand
    Where not even doctors will go near
    (emphasis on go and it works. Apologies for not knowing how to underline!)
    [Angus] use <hr>
    If you were to purchase a present
    For me - how remarkably pleasant!
    I'd rip off the wrapping
    My wife would be flapping (Angus P) Try less-than hr greater-than.
    "Slippers! You bloody peasant!"
    While mixing cement in the bath [Angus] Actually, underlining is <u>like this</u>
    I incurred mum's consid'rable wrath
    She said "It'll set.... (Run-on)
    In your creases, I'll bet!"
    "so we'll just roll you out on the path!"
    Using only Weetabix and mice
    (And ignoring my father's advice)
    My latest invention
    got my mother's attention
    By bringing her breakfast up (twice)
    Since Darren can't access this site,     - heh heh...
    I can say whatever I want out of spite.
    He'll return full of ire
    With his friend of the 'spire'......Sorry, Chalky
    And us with pestilence blight
    hmmm ... apology accepted.
    That Darren's a marvellous chap
    When he purrs and curls up in your lap
    But if you arouse his
    Feline-fur trousis gimme a C!, gimme an O!, gimme an A!, gimme a T!
    He'll join in with meaningless pap.
    I love to peel a banana
    And wrap the peel round a sultana
    When boiled in wine,
    And Seasoned with Thyme, Riff - use < b >tags< /b > to make your message bolder.
    tastes great while grooving Santana
    An indigent bookbinder's clerk
    Rode a broomstick to get into work
    . He saved money on petrol
    But got his pants wet-rol
    -ler skating in rain, what a berk. oh dear...
    "Trick or treat" say the kids at my door (Darren, Big Dave) Real class!
    so I sit tight and them I ignore
    They pelt me with eggs
    Shall I break their legs?
    Then trick them to treats off the floor. .. heh heh
    A good thing to say to a ghost
    might be: "Hi - can you please pass the toast?"
    A breakfasttime spectre
    is a good dust collector
    But reality comes with the post.
    There is a huge flare on its way
    Perhaps I could try that again?
    There is a huge flare on its way
    Well, the Sixties are back, so they say
    it won't be so bright
    If my trousers aren't right
    Floral hipsters are just so passé!
    I've just heard that Jon Snow's in the dock
    for failing to adhere to the clock
    like a well-dispatched fly
    kept zipped, bye and bye
    just listening to the tickity tock.
    The problem with video games
    Is they've got such ridiculous names
    The Sims and the Lemmings
    There's even Ian Flemming's
    "Bond's Name Is No Longer James"
    The trouble with very long bridges
    Is they have lots of rust in long ridges
    That's the problem with steel
    Provided it's real
    It attracts lots of magnetic midges
    It'll soon be the Fifth of November
    With fireworks and parkin, remember?
    The Gunpowder Plot
    Bonfires, hot
    And annoying small brats, to dismember I'm not old and bitter, me..
    The sixth of November will bring
    The first signs of Global Warming
    Unseas'nable weather
    Cuckoos in't heather
    And tides in the main street of Tring
    just for Blob's benefit
    The thing with the liner Aurora
    Is it keeps getting smaller and smaller dodgy, but...
    'Til it's just a mere speck.
    but the people on deck
    's arses are still getting sorer
    In Paris, one might say it's chic
    To be battre avec le 'ugly stick'
    In the Rue de Montmartre
    You can see Jean-Paul Sartre
    Searching the ground for du fric
    There was a young man from Nantucket
    Who lived all his life in a bucket
    To the end of his days
    his oddly strange ways
    were why passersby always struck it.
    When invited to dine with the Queen,
    Prince Phillip created a scene
    He swore and he cussed
    But Her Maj was non-plussed
    by the way his nose glowed tangerine.
    On a bath day, when losing the soap,
    Is the best time for having a grope
    For an innocent fumble
    Is no cause to grumble
    Just make sure the soap's on a rope!
    Guy Fawkes was a wonderful chap
    He's been given a terrible rap
    He just wanted to say
    'Being Catholic's okay'
    'Boom boom, folks, now please mind the gap'
    Tchaikovski found fortune and fame
    By playing a tedious game
    He used to subscribe [Projoy] Last line above - awesome!
    To a Balinese tribe
    Who never could quite spell his last name
    In the middle of singing a tune
    That Ruby Wax caused me to swoon
    For her grasp of tonality
    and vocal neutrality
    Were nil. Ought to try the bassoon. On second thoughts...
    *applauds* Whilst staying just south of Milan
    I began to dance a "can-can"
    - except that I can't
    'cause my recent implant
    Is still sore (But at last I'm a man!)
    In the middle of making a toast
    To my flatulent ill-mannered host - [st d] superb!
    I felt a deep rumble
    my bowel, it did grumble
    And then my gas gave up the ghost.
    Mr Howard is now Tory Leader
    Another smug and fawning bleeder
    It seems they can't win
    It makes Kennedy grin
    That damn little Scot ginger weed - er
    I would like to point out at this time I have nothing against Scots, ginger people or indeed the Lib Dems.
    It's goodbye to Iain Duncan-Smith
    We will all shed a tear and a sniff (sorry)
    who returns to the darkness forthwith.
    BUGGER - SIMULPOST. How did that happen?
    (Bifurcating then...)
    He was Labour's best hope / He was banished by Howard
    Now it's gone up in smoke/The backstabbing coward
    And he's now been replaced by a twit-h
    Many terrible deeds at the palace
    none commited, however, by Alice
    All we know is - a writ
    We'll know more in a bit ...
    But I bet it involves a royal phallus
    Last night I dreamt I was walking
    Surrey streets in a town known as Dorking
    And when I awoke (Ken T) I see you've got here at last. :-)
    I was really in Stoke
    Being arrested for illegal stalking. [plump] Actually a servant's, according to what I hear... you didn't get it from me though...
    If you want to develop your pecs
    Take a hint from good old T-Rex
    Just strum your guitar
    and don't wear a bra
    And engage dear Prince ********** in sex sorry if I lowered the tone at all...
    How do you get a line in here?
    Like this.
    In the middle of sueing for slander
    (for they spoke out with far too much candour)
    We stopped for a dance [barbacoa] <hr> - I remember it as short for "horizontal rule"
    Just on the off chance
    A Cha-Cha with Chi-Chi the panda
    There's an injunction on part of this verse
    For the censored censored, it gets worse!
    The Guardian's screaming
    The lawyers are beaming
    And every report must be terse.
    For those who are feeling the cold
    Remember it stifles the mold.
    So get on with living
    Be loving and giving
    And let those warm feelings unfold. aaah
    In the middle of drinking some tea,
    I thought "this will make me pee". Old men and their bladders :-(
    What if I don't get up? ohdearohdearohdear
    Or I drench the new pup? yelp!
    A dilemma I'm sure you'll agree
    If you curtsey again I shall scream
    I can see your knickers, they're green
    At least, I think they're your pants
    Inside, I feel ants
    gnawing away at my spleen. What a compendium of non-sequiturs, mine included. I feel we can do better. :-)
    From Hackney to Bromley-by-Bow
    And the meadows of old Pimlico Already I'm liking the poetry of this one ....
    The byways we tread
    As we breathe in the lead
    And eastward t'wards Dagenham we go. Hit me with your rhythm stick!
    Kew Gardens; the height of the fall
    Has tourists who just have the gall
    To drop all their wrappers
    Then run like the clappers oblig
    and leg-it over the wall
    It's rumoured that Hampton Court Palace in keeping
    Was the setting for BBC's 'Dallas'
    And that really, JR
    Was Kath-ar-ine Parr
    Dressed-up and sporting a phalus.
    Meanwhile, back in Kalamazoo
    Michigan State's playing host to The Who
    They've already smashed
    Guitars and they've trashed
    all the hotels they've stayed in too
    George Bush isn't bright it is true
    But I don't think it matters, do you?
    He's just one of the guys.
    Although he denies
    The attack on Iraq was a coup
    From Kalamazoo to East Lansing
    "Who" fans blocked the streets up with dancing.
    But things went awry
    When a pineapple pie
    Hit the vocalist, who now just can't sing.
    thanks!
    On a day out with Danny La Rue
    I found half a didgeridoo
    Its twang was almighty
    - It was heard back in Blighty -
    and Danny dived into the loohighly unlikely, anyway it's a dunny down under, or so us poms are led to believe. Here endeth the lesson.
    Lusaka, Kinshasa, Harare
    St Fagans, Blaenavon and Barry
    Kilmarnock and Fife
    Looe and St Ive
    And Kenya (Whilst lost on Safari).
    They say I'm a much-travelled man
    And it's true - I've spent time in Japan
    and also on Mars
    (But mostly in bars)
    Where I filled up my green petrol can.
    Is it true to say green eggs and ham unfi...
    Are unfit for consumption by man ?
    With a fox, in a box
    and cream cheese and lox
    They're still better for you than spam.
    At last I have ultimate power! Muahahahaha!
    Before you all people shall cower! (echoes laugh)
    The formula's mine
    For the fog on the Tyne
    And the alpine fresh scent in your shower! It doesn't come much more potent than that.
    Syntactical rules are not made (sentence alert unfinished)
    Syntactical rules are not made
    to beguile, tempt, cajole or persuade
    But to help make some sense
    (and not cause offence)
    Of all the preceding tyrade
    My tirades 'gainst poor grammar are fraught
    With the pedantry that I was taught
    By a teacher at school
    (the silly old fool)
    His lessons weren't not what they ought.
    Bad grammar, poor syntax, crap rhyme
    So many to try, but no time!
    So here I will just unfinished...
    Make do with a lust
    For the great Ogden Nash in his prime.
    As Yoda declared once to me,
    'Confused by this all will you be'
    Well, he was right
    for I sat up all night
    I can't choose! With the plotline for Episode Three / How the hell did he beat Christ'pher Lee? / With a Grammar book, pencils and tea
    Whilst inhaling a pinch of good snuff
    I was tempted to say, to Frank Bough
    "Try this for size" [Dazed] Ah - so that's how they pronounce Buff in Brum :-) ]
    "It'll bug out your eyes"
    But I sensed that he'd had quite enough.
    While cruising to tropical climes
    To escape prosecution for crimes
    I happened to meet
    A cop on the beat
    Who said "Sunshine, you're nicked, you'll do time!"
    My cell is just six feet by ten
    And I share it with 26 men
    My left knee is wedged
    between something alleged unf...
    (sorry! for grammar:) behind something alleged
    to be bigger than that owned by Sven.
    If sleep were a treat, not a right,
    I think I'd still do it all night
    I'd stay in my pit
    Until I saw fit
    To get up [or just needed a shite] thangyew thangyew
    I wish I did not oversleep
    But when my alarm clock goes "beep"
    The temptation's too great
    And I must masturbate
    Because I've been counting those sheep.
    Of all of the people I've met,
    None compares to that nice Yorkshire vet
    for creatures, he's best great and small, that is
    But dont shake his hand, lest FG] I almost ruptured my throat laughing at that !
    Yours ends up all slimy and wet... eeeeewwww.....
    One Saturday in Piccadilly
    I met a transvestite called Lily bit of a drag, though
    She took me in hand
    (Plus a minor brass band)
    And then we... no, that would be silly
    One night, while traversing Kings Cross,
    Like a Rolling Stone gathering moss [invoking st dogmael]
    A complete unknown
    playing trombone
    Said, 'Quite frankly I don't give a toss'
    I think I've drunk too much 'Red Bull'
    So my bladder is buzzing and full [FG] I've got the most *awful* image in my mind of someone OD-ing on RB...
    My 'water' is pink
    And it's starting to stink
    I don't think I'm going to pull.
    I'm morose, really down in the dumps
    'Cos my willy has come out in lumps maintaining the base level
    He is such a good dog Straining to get out of the mire....
    He sits on the bog
    But when he gets to the sink, he just humps
    Sinatra was once heard to say
    I'm proud that I did things my way
    Though I cheated and cussed
    Was my hair ever mussed? Have I missed an obvious song-led rhyme here?
    and the Mafia augmented my pay
    Bruce Forsythe enjoyed a good game [penelope] Not that I made intentionally, no :)
    'Though his wig received all the acclaim
    It did a small jig
    Then grew very big
    Now it's taken the star role in 'Mame'
    My friend is called Pudsey the Bear (topical)
    We go round to children in care
    And give them a thrashing Children in Need? Why can't they stay in bloody need? That's not me talking btw - it's a quote from the Fast Show...
    With feathers, not bashing ... Which sounds a little like the sentences imposed on murderers, rapists etc. meted out by my local judiciary system.... (tucks occasional right wing tendencies over tender left wing and flies off.)
    It's a smash when it goes out on air! Or the S4C primetime highlight: "Children In Neath"
    I'm a big fan of Children in Neath
    And of Ladyboys in Cowdenbeath
    The Teenagers in Frome
    Have been swept to their doom
    And Looe Pensioners all have false teeth.
    Suspected of fiddling with boys,
    And playing with cudd-er-ly toys,
    Here soundeth the klaxon
    For that idiot Jackson (forced)
    Whose 'hanging' created some 'noise'.
    [Angus Prune] Forced? Forced???!!! Au contraire, it was a gift! Carefully planned and skilfully made!! If you don't like it, then don't take it! ;o)
    Caref'ly planned and skillf'ly made
    And usually cheerf'ly displayed
    Was the head of a moose
    Which hung from a noose
    Keeping fresh thanks to plenty of shade.
    While practising a quite tricky stunt
    With my neighbor, good old Allen Funt
    I fell in a trap
    Constructed of scrap
    Which proved that I'm simply a runt.
    This first line's a bit lame, it's true,
    And for the third, better must do.
    But to make matters worse
    This entire piss-poor verse
    Has ended up blocking the loo.
    Lets try Jackson now in the press !
    It's clear that his face is a mess a couple of tracks short of an album, if you ask me.
    And as for the songs
    Well - they right no wrongs
    String him up ! Lynch him ! Kill him ! YES YES!!!
    Let's all get together and sing
    A hymn to The Great Blob of Tring
    samn - simulposted! Of the relative merits of 'bling'
    Bifurcating: Whose one saving grace/The rocks and the gold
    Is the look on His face / Are a sight to behold
    And the merriment that it will bring. hoping I have covered both possibilities neatly in one line. :-)
    The chance that was too good to miss
    Ended up being seized by the Swiss
    The Americas Cup
    And the chance to throw up!
    Hang on. Are you taking the p*ss?
    / Jeez - that sure made limer-sense. Ah well - onwards and upwards ...
    Chalky - Whilst cooking in loco parentis
    (Mom*ma had gone off to the dentist)
    I put on the gas
    And shook my yas-yas (obscure 1930s southern US slang declared)
    And proved I was non compas mentis.
    [Tina] Good call.!
    I sit in my nice padded cell
    And giggle, as I ring my bell
    But the imps and the pixies
    Try to tell me that six is
    Seven, and eight is aswell
    I know how to carbonate tea
    And how to select the best Brie
    But what's got me stumped
    is how come I got dumped
    And why she picked a she over me
    While eating a plateful of turkey.
    Along with some bits of old jerky
    I started to wonder
    About having a chunder
    and that's why the fish tank's all murky.
    For Christmas I want in my stocking
    A hoist, to facilitate docking
    Though the fit may be tight,
    It will be all right
    bah! simulpost My prospects just might [forcing bifurcatory dénouement]
    [Thos] I'll slide it in with careful rocking. [Chalky] Avoid the scene getting too shocking.
    Bifurcation can be very tricky
    And if you're not careful, quite sticky.
    But if one can reverse
    In a Mercedes hearse
    One can refurcate in Billericay.
    Dear Santa, I'd like a new hearse Stealing pen's hearse theme as I like it! (hope you don't mind!)
    'Cause my death wish is getting much worse
    If you can't manage that
    I'll just bury the cat
    And then, when it's dead, write a verse.
    I read in the papers today
    Mutant Llamas are heading our way!
    So let's board up our houses
    And gird up our trousis oblig.
    Fall to our knees and just pray
    The only way to success
    In this game we call "Mornington Cresc.",
    Is so closely guarded
    Because it's bombarded
    By the bloodsucking hounds of the Press.
    Out bowling with old Tony Blair,
    I stamped on his foot for a dare
    He said "Listen, mush"
    Nobody but Bush (a gift)
    Ever gets to touch me just there! Oh, the satire of it all.
    I ache for the touch of your lips (dear)
    But much more for some good fish and chips (sorry)
    smothered in salt
    and vinegar malt
    rubbed in wounds that are left by your whips. accepting Kim's invitation
    I stimulate this piece of dough
    I'm podgy, lethargic and slow this is only verse, you understand...
    And so when I stroke More "t" in simulate, Vicar?
    The fat, stodgy bloke Try and keep this clean please?
    I'm confident nothing will grow I did my best...
    When eating a bucket of rice
    Try saying "janitor" - twice
    I'll lay odds your tongue
    will foul the dipthong dodgy, dodgy...
    and it won't look (or sound) very nice.
    I don't think too much of this groove
    And I fear that my mood won't improve
    so perhaps I should leave
    I've no wish to deceive
    This guide showing *me round the Louvre
    Now the Christmassy season is here
    I'm up to my eyes in false cheer Bah, humbug
    Is it only me
    Who gets Yule Anomie Look that one up - Nasty !
    Den Watts, Anne Robinson and Germaine Greer?
    [Pogle]Not in the dictionary!
    My English has gone all to pot
    Bad language is all that I've got
    I swear and I curse
    I blaspheme and much worse
    I've started to talk like a Scot
    Despite having only one thumb - [chuckle at Software :-)]
    And only one cheek to my bum (thx, Chalks ;-)
    In fact, no left half
    And a lopsided laugh
    I blame it on my right-wing mum.
    The circus is coming to town! (Splendidly surreal, that one.)
    I think I'll dress up as a clown!
    And then, with this axe,
    I'll land a few whacks
    On anyone wearing a gown
    When working with HTML,
    One summons things arcane and fell
    Like "nbsp"
    And things you can't see ...
    would not to your best friend tell
    A government study has found
    We're really quite hard to astound.
    MP's we don't trust
    Prescott's nose I will bust
    Unless of course Prince Charles gets crowned
    (referring to the second line rather than the fourth)
    Though usually dazed and confused,
    Last night I was more than bemused
    By the folks on my street
    All singing "tweet tweet"
    Whilst using my 'phone, which is orange
    And being so highly enthused. Ignoring Mr Jimmi's rather unorthodox rhyming convention, there
    Coherent in thought, word and print,
    - If you are, you'll be earning a mint
    Your wage will be herbs
    If you screw up your verbs
    and you'll be out on your neck at a sprint
    While watching a video of Paris
    I swore I'd glimpsed Anita Harris
    But actually it's
    A set of her bits
    And a bare naked view of 'er 'arris
    I've not been around for a while
    As you'll see if you look in my file.
    In fact, I've been shaking
    My booty, and making
    A fortune by flashing my smile.
    Hooray. What perfect scansion that one had!
    Joe Public just hasn't a clue
    'Bout the plan to submerge London Zoo
    For the canal will be dammed
    And an hippopotamus rammed
    In an effort to clean up its poo. coat
    Some carollers came down our way
    "Penny for the song" they all started to say
    "For 2p we'll just go"
    "And for 3p, we'll show..."
    "what happens inside Santa's sleigh."
    I did all my laundry today (Almost true, even)
    . My whites were getting quite gray.
    But a sneaky blue sock
    ruined the whole f******g lot!
    Dunno what my missus will say! been there, done that...
    One day I went fishing for bass.
    Instead, I hooked a bold lass
    she'd dipped in the buff
    And had just had enough poised...
    Of the plaice so I floundered a pass
    Pray silence to mark our respect [st d] classy!
    For a thing that is very erect
    It stands out proud
    and attracts quite a crowd
    It's said to have a healing effect
    While in a nativity play
    (When the shepherds had knelt down to pray)
    Mary let out a scream
    When she stood up, a bream
    Was revealed, still alive, in the hay.
    Poor Joseph was shocked to the core
    When he found what the donkey was for
    "You just lift the tail
    It'll fill up a pail
    If you tickle his balls he'll do more
    An angel, by the name of Trevor
    Oh buttons, how did that happen ?
    An angel, by the name of Trevor
    Used to work whatever the weather pronounced "wever" :-)
    His wings might get chilly,
    But never his willy,
    all swathed in its loin cloth of leather.
    It's festive, it's bright, and it's gay
    It's the New Santa! Now on his way
    To deliver your gift
    'tho he is pis't
    and likely to 'total' his sleigh...
    Christmas parties are dangerous things
    For married men take off their rings!
    There's no way of knowing
    What seeds they are sewing.
    25 hours of stunned silence - a mercy killing is obviously needed:
    (when lining up their New Year flings)
    disclaimer: the sentiments expressed above do not represent my personal viewpoint and I would like to assure the readers that faithful husbands were not used [or even stitched up] in the making of that last limerick :-)
    Wrapping up presents is fun
    A ball and some slippers, a gun... in the form of a list, y'see
    ..a hanky and socks
    ...some ears just like Spocks,
    And a bottle of rosé Blue Nun.
    Why, Grandma, it's just what I wanted!
    Is what I would have said - but I grunted
    'Twas all I could manage
    On that day in Swanage (it doesn't rhyme, I know)
    After a kiss from my old transvestite aunt Ted
    The sexton said to the vicar
    (Who reacted with naught but a flicker)
    "Which way do you lean .. [UNfinished quote alert]
    because you see I'm quite keen careful, now...
    To make your silk vestments look slicker.
    Twas the night before Christmas, it's said,
    While all the good folk were a'bed,
    That Santa's wee elves
    make friendly spells
    for sugarplums and gingerbread. (ignoring Fridge's blatant mixing of tenses)
    Sesquipedalianism
    essentially, verbosity driven
    Makes people, in herds
    (Whose brains are like bird's)
    Feel their corpus callosum is riven.
    I saw David Beckham last week
    I gave his left butt cheek a tweak
    It came off in my hand
    which was not what I'd planned
    so next week I'm in front of the beak. One wonders what Victoria would say - if she actually realized, that is.
    One has to be cruel to be kind ... sigh
    So here is a piece of my mind
    I'm sick of your moods,
    and your Chopin Preludes
    Hence I'll play by myself and go blind ... I'm leaving
    Cette sauce d'haute qualité
    qui contient d'la merde rechauffée
    est un petit peu drolle
    nous sommes a l'ecole?
    Bien sur - comme vous avez gouté!
    Vous avez le Knockwurst chez vous?
    Aber nein doch, das geb' ich nicht zu
    Mais, ce grand saucisson?
    *no "?" intended*
    dont l'odeur est si bon
    Damnit teach me to spend a long time reading before posting...
    Das ist Bratwurst nicht Knockwurst, (qui pue !)
    What's wrong with plain English I ask?
    Mon Dieu! Nous sommes taken to task.
    Mais j'ai peur that I'm stuck
    Und Ich hab nicht mehr luck
    Et je veux's Nächstenmal we speak Basque.
    - oh, sorry
    Last night as I went off to bed
    , a polka dot scarf on my head,
    I tripped on a stair
    Landing on Tony Blair
    Now I'm in Belmarsh until I am dead!
    The trouble with children today
    Is they don't kneel down and pray
    When asking permission
    to indulge in coition
    They say "No, you big perv, go away"
    When the Crescenters arrive at rab,
    They find it all dreary and drab poetic licence. Not true, rab sweetie.
    With colours insipid - second application for poetic license
    Walls all strippéd - can it really be this bad?
    But I'm joking -- it's really ab fab!
    I know all the secrets of love
    When to wriggle, when to roll, when to shove.
    But this illness, I fear
    Was brought on by beer
    so I'm flacid and won't fit like a glove
    My fingers are feeling quite sore Make of it what you will...
    For I got them trapped in the door
    It could have been worse
    For I got the nurse
    To kiss them and wrap them - and more!
    I once knew a man from Northants
    who cooked a stew made of old pants
    with dumplings like lead
    And an old cabbage head
    all garnished with microwaved ants.
    One day I'll stop starting the rhyme
    start stopping - now is the time
    When future and past
    Turn to present, at last
    Was and will be starstopting sublime.
    It's been a stop/start kind of day
    Iv'e been casting my glances away
    , The kind where there's simply no way
    oops simulpost. Ignore mine.
    Too late, It's been captured online
    On balance, we'll go with Zarbenia
    It's been a stop/start kind of day
    I've been casting my glances away
    where shall I go?
    'Cos I simply don't know
    How to finish this in a clever way
    The trouble with being so clever
    Is you can't keep your thoughts all together
    They prance and cavort
    Way odd in an of sort
    Thus scuppering scansion endeavour [ZK - what were you thinking of?] :-)
    The trouble with aardvarks is this:
    (Trust me, I'm not taking the piss) [Chalky - the 2nd line of the limerick, naturally :)]
    Alphabetically
    they're tops, if trickily Do I read you right, Chalks?
    served under hot melted Swiss.
    My belt hardly fits round my waist!
    All due to a turkey's great taste
    The magic of 'tatoes
    Purchased from Waitrose Best I could do. (PP) "Taters" would have been easier.
    And eaten with indecent haste
    In the post-Christmas, pre-New Year gap [Rosie] I thought of "And - yikes! - up my weight goes" for the 4th line above, but decided against it.
    The TV has rather less pap. (Kim) No worse than mine! I tried to think of the chemical name for various sugars, eg lactose, fructose, sucrose etc but the neurons had congealed. Alas!
    Though there's no more The Office
    The ISIHAC sophis- (-try, -ticated, -m, etc.)
    -ticates will say 'bah' to the crap.
    There once was a girl called Sally
    A 'bush baby' born in the mallee
    Her chief claim to fame Wossa "mallee", Duj?
    Was a deep source of shame
    For the dark deed she'd done in the alley.
    There once was a playwright called Will
    Who said that he'd had his fill unfinished sentence alert..
    So with a groan and a sigh
    And a tear in the eye
    Declared "Not to be!". (Slave to the quill). Stony ground, snorgle. :-(
    With due apprehension and dread
    I approached the dark land of the dead
    with a pencil full of lead
    From the gloom and the drear [Widey] Sorry, but given your unorthodox rhyme and non-existent scansion, I thought this limerick deserved better.
    There came to my ear
    'Ace of Spades' from the band Motörhead.
    And now I'll begin a new ditty
    And though it be brief, 'tis not pretty
    For the tale's one of woe
    As these ditties go
    'cos I support Birmingham City.
    It was in Scotland I seem to remember
    That I had begun to dismember
    A turtle called Pete
    I needed to eat
    Since breakfast was served last September
    As the Old Year came to an end
    And my brain cells all went round the bend
    I said "Happy Hogmanay!"
    And saw out the day
    Passed out, on the floor, with a friend
    It's still not New Year in Caracas (as I write)
    And the natives are causing a fracas pronunciation wild...
    For they love Hogmanay
    But would get blown away
    If they used fireworks as maracas
    Among my new year's resolutions
    I shall try to refine my ablutions
    I shall shave every day Sorry, Chalky - nowt personal!
    For it's so distingué
    'mongst those whom "I'mSorryIHaven'tAClue" shuns.
    I once had a donkey to lunch
    With a sigh he started to munch
    "oh, this lettuce is limp"
    "oh, this lettuce is limp"
    "And I don't like the shrimp"
    so from now on we only do brunch!
    A Happy New Year to you all
    In particular those who're named Paul
    and Kathys as well,
    And Simon, and Nell
    In fact to the entire roll call.
    I've been dining on old tangerines
    In the company of two ethereal queens
    We avoided the mints
    but don't those queens mince!
    No wonder they quit the Marines....
    I've found, with a couple of kippers,
    I can manage without pipe and slippers
    For, when smoked on the fire, (Are kippers already smoked? Does it matter?)
    and wrapped up in barbwire
    You can't beat a couple of strippers.
    There once was a herring named Barb,
    Who looked foolish attired in such garb
    As a bright crimson mac
    of polymerised cack (Thrax) Jayne Mansfield could've dealt with herrings, but those F****** LOBSTERS!
    Imported from deepest Punjab.
    A Hippo has been found on Mars
    With a beagle that fell from the stars
    And its furtive silence
    Gave dramatic Licence Rosie, you're not still on lobster duty are you? I'd have thought that after all your long years of faithful service you might get a prmotion to a slightly better job - perhaps involving Julia Roberts' bottom and grey squirrels.
    To ad men peddling cars.
    As God is my witness, I swear
    I never did that, anywhere
    Unless you have proof
    Of that night on the roof
    of my waywardly yoof (Thrax) You know where you are with lobsters. Grey squirrels? BASTARDS!
    When I simply had nothing to wear I feel that works whichever of the simulposts you read!
    It simply defies rhyme and reason
    At the end of the holiday season
    To buy Wizard of Oz
    [The Songbook] because
    To my ears it's insufferable treason. Far better, if you as me, is Dark Side of the Rainbow. You'd love that one, Chalky. IF you ever carry out your threat and make it to Swindon, I'll treat you to it, if you've not witnessed it before. :) Now then, let's try the good Doctor's prescription...
    Hey! it worked!! Festivaalllll!!
    Rejoice! Let us sing and make cheer!
    For the chance to F**k up a New Year I'm back from by Gallic celebrations, all the best for the new Year, one and all.
    We'll start right away
    For the chance to F**k up a New Year I'm back from by Gallic celebrations, all the best for the new Year, one and all.
    And repeat right away Congratulations, Softers. One New Year Limerick F**ked up as intended. Well done. ;)
    Rejoice! Let us sing and make cheer!
    Let's all drink gallons of beer!
    We'll start right away
    (and there was me thinking that this was a limericks game...)
    [nights] They all turn into something resembling MC in the end, you know...
    And we'll brook no delay
    [b]Someone tell me which line we're at here.[/b] Aha! I managed to vent my predicament and play a valid move into the bargain.
    (but bugger up the HTML, 'cos another site I visit uses '['s and ']'s rather than '<'s and '>'s. Sorry folks.)
    For the chance to F**k up a New Year
    That's enough of that. 11-line limericks vex me.
    If two heads are better than one
    Then six hands must be lots of fun
    Arm wrestle arachnid
    (Spider joke, hackneyed)
    If compelled, just repeat until done. A bit like that last limerick. Seems we had a touch of the old Dollis Hillitis going on for a bit, eh?
    A Republican from Norwich once wrote
    'Limerick writers - take note ...
    ...On pain of your lives,
    When rhyming with knives
    Beware that they're not at your throat
    I have no excuse this time, sir
    I have not a clue, what is myrh?
    Why, it's Gilead's balm
    Applied underarm
    Whence a sprouting of wings will occur.
    A cockerel's a creature with wings
    A young trained cock without any strings
    . It can be a great pet,
    If its mind isn't set
    On hens and such sexual things
    I once saw a porcupine fly
    (A rare insect, from wetland Dubai)
    It's covered in pricks
    , performs magic tricks
    in top hat, in tails and white tie!

    Watch out for turnips in June
    Oh poop. Round two:
    Watch out for turnips in June
    by the light of a silvery moon
    They explode at a touch
    maiming your crotch
    And mature at the root far too soon
    My apple is home to a worm
    My bottom is home to a germ carefully lowering the tone.
    And both, it is said
    Will answer to "Fred"
    It's enough to make anyone squirm
    Whilst cutting a slice of Red Leicester Spelling puns?
    (In my job as a milk product teicester)
    I cut through a vein
    While concealing disdain
    and died in the old Zoo in Chester
    Lim MC! I'll go first. Manor Park
    ??? "Oh What a lark!"
    to frolick in the buff
    Kim - I think your excellent first line may have been too subtle for some ... sorry chaps ...
    Kim - Lim MC! I'll go first. Manor Park
    Chalky - Then I'll follow in kind. Cutty Sark !
    Ladies, perhaps you could explain the rules of how Lim MC works. Ordinary limericks work along the premise that lines 1, 2 and 5 rhyme, whilst 3 and 4 do also. Furthermore 1, 2 and 5 have typically nine syllables, whilst 3 and 4 have five. given that you've set a precedent that lines or names or moves(whatever term one should use) 1 and 2(and presumably 5) have four syllables, how many should 3 and 4 have? Or is that not important?
    Oops! I meant to say "1 and 2(and presumably 5) have three syllables", but you get the gist.
    If you read out the whole line 1 & 2 including the italicised part .. you will see that Kim and I have a perfect 9 syllables each :-) [oh ... and Kim is a chap]
    *chortles* don't worry kim, I was accused of being a lady last week on the MCiOS chat room. just talk about football, that'll give them the idea, offside ref fullback pies burberry army.
    Goodness me, Chalky. I'd never have spotted that. That's fantastic. My apologies however to you, Kim for presuming.

    Ahem, anyway, I'll give this a go. Here's my move:

    Then Bank I shall try.
    To Debden I'll fly
    Pah! That's a ploy pioneered on the Ark!!
    To play Kightsbridge gets me a podume.

    [I'm keeping up with the Lim MC theme. I figure that we ought to keep going 'til someone finds their way to MC. Also, to make the game even more fiendishly clever, all MC-based 'extras' like declaring home stations, aquiring snoods and podumes, bifurcations, issues of spoon etc. should be incorporated into the rhyme. Pretty groovy huh? Should make the game not only more interesting but more of a challenge. I can't wait t see how folk play it in Limericks if someone(God forbid) starts up a Dollis Hill loop.]
    [now I realise why you folks, like Chalky and Dujon and Rosie and the Doc were pleased to see me return. It's 'cos I've always brought some strange permutation into the game at hand, thereby redrafting or abusing the game mechanics, in the past(at Pants) haven't I? Like Charades interrupting a game of BallyKissangels or turning Good News/Bad News into a horror story. My apologies to those of you who don't like it. I'm a rogue some might say.]
    [I tell you what would be cool to do as a game - Limerick Charades. Whereas Online Text Charades differs from Sound charades in that it takes the form of a transcript of a conversation between two people(usually Dougal and Hamish), Limerick Charades would be a transcript in the form of a Limerick, from which we all guess the book, film song or play. Person 1 would have lines 1, 3 and 5, while person 2 would get 2 and 4. Now that would be a challenge, don't you think?]
    But only if Bank's got enough room
    For when at Russell Square
    et si Monumentum requiris . . .
    I'm confused (2 brain cells both, working over time).I liked the old Limerick game progress only confuses me......sigh.....
    Fawning Till Pleasant
    (Widey)I'm with you on that. This reminds of the entry in the Hungarian Phrase Book for Travellers "Lo! the train has left the rails". Time to get the cranes out.
    Nah, just needs a bit of routine track maintenance...
    To play Knightsbridge gets me a podume [doesn't scan all that well, Thax :P]
    If Bank's only got enough room
    For when at Russell Square
    Oval freem ain't all there
    Credit where it's due and all, I think it was Kim's idea. Seems if it wants to carry on organically it will do just that; but I'm with Rosie and widey - plain old limericks'll do me a treat, fanks.
    (and if you're looking for a definition of a limerick, you could do worse than start here)
    [rosie] phrase books are great - I had one that got lost in the move that had a whole section on what to yell out during sex... in French.
    [Tidying up]
    To play Knightsbridge gets me a podume
    If Bank's only got enough room
    For when at Russell Square
    Oval freem ain't all there
    So Wapping's the one, I presume?
    In Egypt they do things with geese
    which involve using feathers and grease
    But in France and Japan
    They just flush the pan Of course in Italy it's called the Po.
    And then smear each other with cheese
    On a radio station in Cheshire
    They interviewed old M C Escher
    whose illusory art
    Was oft known to start
    With a hunt for some long-buried treasure
    I said not to mention the war
    But you did, you incredible bore
    Forget the Armada
    Let's dance the Lambada
    Until we both collapse to the floor!
    There was a young lady from Venus
    who discovered a thing which was heinous hoping this doesn't go in the obvious direction.....
    It was firm and quite stiff
    and on top was a quiff!
    (Use a clean handkerchief)
    Bugger! Missed the warning. Follow widey.
    did we miss the last line there ? Are we being squeamish ?

    Since you ask, that's a gun in my pocket

    I shall pull it out, aim it and cock it
    With unerring aim
    But no malice or shame
    But it could go off early if knockéd Coat!
    I once wrote a poem, it's true,
    But ask me to show 'em, I'll sue going with po-em...
    The verse was quite blank
    But exceedingly frank
    And the sentiment expressed was blue
    What is the meaning of this?

    There was a young lady from Venus
    Who discovered a thing which was heinous
    It was firm and quite stiff
    And on top was a quiff

    She exclaimed "Something has come between us!"
    Breadmaster - What is the meaning of this?
    Chalky - You promised perpetual bliss
    But your penis is tiny
    And your voice is so whiny
    And you're constantly out on the piss!
    I once heard a fellow named Guy
    Had set sail on the great Bering Sea
    He found that the boat
    Smelled throughout of dead goat
    And the gunnels were filled with horse pee
    What a charming impression it makes
    When you stuff up your mouth full of cakes
    If you fall to the ground
    And attempt to expound
    on aught but the Progress of Rakes.
    On reading this website I find
    It quite tedious and unkind (but not really!!)
    And when you arrive
    The place is alive it is, it is!
    With the sound of the Crescenter's mind. ... except the BanterGame today :-(
    It's a year since this site went on-line
    And we've all had a jolly fine time
    So please raise your glass
    Put a cork in your arse Sorry to lower the tone, but this is getting a bit smug.
    To say cheers, rab & Nik - it's just fine. [Rosie] Why apologise? FWIWIMHO - not smug, just right.
    A pat on the back is OK
    So long as we don't lose our way
    Let's try not to boast
    Just nod to our host
    Without getting too over-gay.
    I am happy and clappy and gay!
    I am the new vicar, let us pray
    For it's said, love thy neighbour
    On the sabbath, don't labour No problem. Just getting up is bad enough.
    And don't covet your friends' nuts in May.
    To begin a new week it is wise
    To slap a young wench on the thighs
    But not on her bum
    Or the back of her tongue
    Lest you suffer an early demise!
    Reportedly, I have been shot
    That's the press for you, is it not? Unless it's true, of course.
    The news story stated
    That I'd bifurcated
    That Raak's implicated
    after Kim: in a complex and intricate plot
    after Twiki: I'd ne'er bifurcated 'till now
    But in the future I will, that I vow
    Till I chanced upon this magic cow bifurcating, natch
    I'll split an' I'll splice / Her twink-er-ling udders [bifurcating with a vengeance]
    I'll chop and I'll dice / Quite gave me the shudders
    Re-uniting? No way.../But her double cream's good...
    I'll allow
    I sat on the barstool, confused
    Which way round the Med had I cruised?
    my head swum with gin
    And a hellish loud din
    Why, oh why, had I never refused?
    In order to lose seven stone
    I gave our pet dog my thigh bone
    And my head to the cat
    who was sprawled on the mat
    Now I'm lighter but can't use the phone
    I broke my New Year's reolution
    I broke my New Year's resolution
    And failed to give up prostitution
    It's a lucrative game
    For a pantomime dame
    And does wonders for the constitution - accent on the "the". Sorry but I don't know how to draw the line (in html).
    B'smith - nice one ... a simple < hr > without the spaces does the trick :-)
    When I go to Luton I take
    A bottle of ready-soused hake
    A sandwich of spam
    A freshly killed lamb
    And a herb-stuffed and roasted corncrake.
    I've just found a bat in my tea!
    But do I play cricket? Not me!
    Though I have this box
    It's storage for socks
    That's quite handy I'm sure you'll agree and now a drum-roll please...............
    Wey hey!! Thanks once again Chalkers.
    I've just found an owl in my pint!
    Can the pussy-cat be far behind?
    (tricky) or is it a scene in my mind
    Though the grog's made me blind (not such good form.)
    And my verse is quite blank you will find-t. There is no word in the English language that rhymes with pint, otherwise I am sure that the great Sir John Betjeman would surely have written about beer in Slough.
    I think's there's a man in my garden!
    (In the suburbs of Henly in Arden)
    Perhaps he's a gnome
    I wish he'd go home
    'Cause his stance is beginning to harden.
    teehee
    The Grimblepritz lives in a cave
    He does not know how to behave
    He once caused a fight
    Then used dynamite
    Instead of a razor to shave.
    The Flubadub rubs on a tub
    Which comes from the hub of a sub
    But a bop with a mop
    And a fop who's a sop
    Scrub mud with the grub from the club
    blast!
    I've just bought a cake in Dundee
    I'm taking it home for my tea
    But Hamish and Dougal Oblig.?
    Have been somewhat more frugal
    and boiled up a brew from old-wee (yuk)
    Duh-da-da-duhhh
    There was a young lady called Annie
    Who loved a good old Hootenaney
    While taking a dance
    She'd rip off her pants
    For a doh-si-doh with her Aunt Fanny.
    Now, fanny may mean many things
    For Yank and Brit different bell rings
    The way that it parses
    In the US it's arses
    But whichever it is, it mings.sorry girls, don't mean it really, it just rhymed and made me laugh
    There once was a Turtle named Walter
    Who attended the Conference of Yalta Very long-lived, turtles, so probably still alive. But then, so am I. :-)
    with wit and with charm
    And the twist of an arm
    He succeeded in annexing Malta.
    all above] BRAVO !
    I'll second that
    'Tis a while since I posted a line
    - been busy stealing the fog from the Tyne
    So why-aye, alreet
    man, leave us the sleet (Proj)You bin read'n' Viz again?
    So we've got a reason to bitch and whine.♣
    ÕÒÞ§¡ I forgot to add the hard return. ♣
    There once was this fellow from Lund
    who embezzled his firm's pension fund
    He put large amounts
    Into offshore accounts oblig.
    And claimed it was the lottery he'ed just won'ed
    plump] OUCH!
    My offshore account on Madeira
    Is filled to the rafters with Lira
    The int'rest is high
    I'm not quite sure why
    Now I fear the pursuit of Megaera.
    A kidney that's doubled in size
    May give you a giant surprise,
    If you tighten your belt
    The squeeze will be felt
    Even after we’ve closed our flies.
    There once was a farmer named George,
    that was supposed to be the start of the next piece of art..... (how is that accomplished....? maybe a little sweet person can tell me one day?)
    I'm not a sweet little person but I'll tell you today. Follow this link ...
    http://mustela.phyast.pitt.edu/basichtml.html
    To be fair to the Spanish Armada
    They just needed to sail a bit harder
    For the atlantic drift (its true i watched a tellie program an all)
    May have tightened their rift
    Gee... thx Chalky I think I’ve got it! And they turned home again and got nada…
    There was once a farmer named George
    Whose cow,(name of Daisy), would gorge
    On the best golden wheat
    Then kick George in the seat
    So he fit her custom shoes in his forge
    It's just ten and six in this style
    Tho' not many sold for a while
    But if Sir likes it tighter
    Or pinker, or whiter
    Our surgeon is quite versatile.
    "I shall now make a lat'ral incision
    then a transversal cut with precision
    Then carefully ... oooops
    I delve in the forests at night.
    In search of the rare woodland sprite
    Is it here? Is it there?
    I don't really care
    The pub's open,I'm off, nighty-night!
    Sagacity, some of the time, ...
    can display itself as a good rhyme
    However, beware!
    For knowledge is ne'er
    That Projoy committed a crime
    When screwing make sure to turn right
    While gripping the screwdriver tight
    When banging a nail
    You are sure not to fail
    Provided you do it at night.
    The truth is, your honour, I'm mad
    Which is why, in this kumquat I'm clad
    So do, please, acquit me
    You see, it don't fit me
    It needs taking in just a tad.
    I’m so glad that we made it tonight,
    Although, to be fair, it weren't right
    We're both dressed in lace
    There's jam on your face
    And my trousers are really too tight
    It hasn't upset me at all
    That autumn is also called fall
    After fall winter raises
    No prospect of daisies
    And back to the start of it all.
    I can see in my payslip today
    That tonite’ we’ll have stone soup with hay
    But when I were a lad
    (I were told by me Dad)
    We 'ad rhubarb wi' custard AND clay.
    T'problem wi' t'youth of t'day
    They cannot spell and don’t want to pay
    For some government schemes
    Or Tony Blair's dreams
    So sod'em that's what I say
    There was a young lad from Calcutta
    Who invented a new type of putta
    using Hindi technique
    and a pelican beak
    He was swiftly denounced as a nutter
    So what do you make of this boil?
    I’d put in salt and add some oil,
    But the bit that annoys so
    Leaks a yummy pastry dough
    ...buried 6 feet under top-soil.
    She said her name was SinnerElla (?),
    Drawing the line... here:
    She said her name was SinnerElla (?), (sorry, forgive a humble whoresman from the stable...)
    She'd been familiar with this 'ere rich fella
    How cared not for the poor
    e jes wanted to do 'er
    So they discretely retired t'cellar.
    Ah've fergotton 'ow ter tork proper
    And me grammar were coming a cropper
    Ah drops all me 'aitches
    But how Mr Henry replaces
    ...a Queens head by using a chopper? (maybe ‘enery the eight thought his wives talked too much?)
    ....long ago in a land far away,
    lived a sly beast by name of Foreplay
    What he did with his tongue
    Could replace a bad hung
    - over sentence which might go astray.
    Well Hello, Blunder et al - good game eh?
    9/10 for scansion.
    It's not right, but we'll make do for now
    We'll stick to the guidelines somehow
    But really, it's torture
    And really, you oughtcher
    Oops...
    And really, you oughtcher
    Convert from your voodooism to Tao? Hi Chalky et al. Nice site for nice people it seems (sofar!).
    "It’s the house-rule!", she said, and undressed,
    So the cop put her under arrest
    "You can't do that 'ere"
    "Put on your brassiere"
    "You'll 'ave time fer all that at the inquest."
    :)
    He booked'er and tooked'er downtown
    In the backseat ha said: “Please cool down!” Hi Oegy, nice lines!
    She said, "But I'm hot."
    "And I notice you've got
    Your hosepipe caught in my nightgown".
    If the plural of moose is ... well, moose
    That's English - it's always quite loose
    But mooses or meeces
    Mongoose or mongeeses
    Try getting it right? What's the use?
    The teacher looked straight at the class.
    She said: "Now, if you don't pass,
    I'll take you outside
    And tan your backside oblig.
    Till I've took the shine off your brass. Hi Blunder ... thanx
    There once was a lascivious louse,
    Who pursued a sweet tender titmouse
    “May I bite your left tit?”
    She giggled a bit
    And said, "Not without showing more nous."
    There must be a way to ensure
    That lines contain wit, not manure
    If there is we don't know it
    "Bugger, that's blown it"
    So lets all rhyme "wit" with "ordure"
    (talking about farming…) A farmer once said to his milkmaid:
    "Have you ever heard excellent filk played" Milkmaid??
    " It sounds pretty good" [yes, Blunder - if you're intending to swamp us with your contributions - it's considered non de rigeur to post a rhymeless word in here. ]
    As a parody should I suppose there's always Marco Polo's job...
    ...and me hayloft’s a good place to get laid…
    One iamb and these two anapaests,
    felt lines could grow outo’ their chests,
    they wrote lines, one good meter
    two – three feet, and no cheater
    Thanks for the lesson! Did all pass the tests?
    A metrical system with feet ?
    Well, I'm close to admitting defeat I know it doesn't really matter and I shouldn't care and this is probably just projection over other stuff that's bothering me, but, for heaven's sake, the last one had only one scanning line.
    Sorry, I exaggerated. Two scanning lines.
    Don’t give up, help is near!Here I've found some useful hints regarding Limericks: http://www.limericks.org/pentatette/whatis.htm
    Let us raise a great cheer
    For a decent one when it's complete.
    *great cheer*
    Know what you're saying Projoy - and even though it shouldn't really matter [in the wider scheme of things], it kind of does matter. I am consoled by the evidence that all three limerick games invariably suffer phases of crappiness, but right themselves eventually.
    There were a young lad, like, from 'ull That's a capitalapostrophe, by the way.
    Who resembled a young herring gull
    Though his bill wasn’t red,
    'e 'ad nowt in 'is 'ead PJ] a quite justified outburst, imbued with a marvellous level of pathos.
    It's as well 'e 'ad a thick skull.
    Pj] I sort of figure I haven't been around long enough around to get to express annoyance, and should just keep listening and watching and seeing how it's done... But when all someone would have to do is swap the word order, or leave out one modifer, to have a line that would work... Well, it seems disrespectful of the forum to not take the extra 10 seconds to make sure.
    But still, in the great scheme of things
    We must all learn to suffer the slings
    Don’t give up come what may
    For there will come a day
    When some are Beggars and we are the Kings
    There once was a girl who was single,
    And her toes, they always would tingle
    As she imagined her beau
    With fame, looks, and dough
    making all their naughty bits mingle. Disgraceful!
    Why is it that windows can shatter
    And why is it women do chatter?
    We should blame Billy Gates! This is an utterly serious matter! Linux may not be perfect either, but there's no big noise when it shatters ;-)
    And all his rich mates!
    This is an utterly serious matter! Sorry, couldn't resist.
    There are some occasions, I’ve heard Kim, it's OK. 'twas supposed to be the second line but Software had more well-oiled keys and you are the smartest of us all I guess?
    When someone assumes the absurd
    Like: I’m here – I exist !
    And I'm totally pissed!
    So sorry we are for what occurred.
    Sir Leofric and Lady Godiva
    Well Leofic once tried to swive her First time medieval literature module has come in useful
    But her chastity belt
    Was now was sorely felt
    So he couldn't be a muff diver. I'll...just...
    ....draw a line....
    The trouble with eating in bed
    Is that bedbugs demand to be fed
    And the crumbs in your bum
    Go all crusty then hum
    Let’s eat at the Waldorf instead.
    Her heart was as cold as an ice cube
    And lips turned blue when kissing her left boob (o)(o)
    But the risk of Frost Bite
    When I clasped her so tight
    ...think I’ll grease my lips with an anti-frost lube?
    in those days when women were chaste,
    Men's romantic trust was misplaced
    Years spent away on crusades rush the 'time spent' bit
    Left at home merry maids [pen] Or just drop the "away"?
    who's lust was for thrust and not rust!
    *calling in a "this doesn't rhyme" objection, although the line is v good...
    ... just when things were beginning to look up. Tut.
    who's lust was for thrust, no time to waste!
    I do my poofreading with MS-Word,
    This is the best thing I’ve never herd !
    But if you want to Excell,
    And to scan and perfectly spell
    Don't use spellcheck, use a dictionary instead! Some of Mr Gates' "suggestions" are laughable.
    I will post no more lines to this site
    Cause B Gates are dating me tonight
    Are been messed around ;)
    And my output are turning to sh*te OK then, it's back to the basics. Now people, pay attention...
    There once was a barmaid from Sale
    Who had lovely big jugs full of ale
    She came to my table
    And asked: Are you able…
    And that was the end of my tale.
    A good-natured nudist from Crew
    Lost his sweater in Birmingham zoo
    He searched high and low
    but what he didn't know (my last effort did rhyme if you look at the first line, as it always does if you count in time...so yah boo sucks to ZK
    [widey] With respect, it didn't. "Chaste" and "rust" just don't rhyme. Feel free to elucidate if you feel they do.
    Was that it had been et - by a gnu
    I have a confession to make
    I just ate a seven-pound cake.
    I now weigh twelve stone
    Yet I'm still skin and bone!
    cause all that I eat is just fake?
    Once the Bishop of Westminster Abbey
    the metre-maid
    The Bishop of Westminster Abbey
    Had a scandalous fling with a cabbie
    Then His Holiness said:
    Eat my body, my bread
    (that should have been in quotes)
    "Go on, It's not all that flabby Where is that coat of mine?
    Three amphibrachs: feminine ending.
    on hold for a Limerick pending
    judicious deployment (Projoy) There's me amphibrachs, matey; where are yours? :-)
    delicious enjoyment..my favorite amphibrachs. Cheers all!
    [Rosie] - Ensuring avoiding offending
    [Rosie] There you go. I've often wondered whether you can only count whole words as feet or whether you can run over the barlines, so to speak. Is the first line above made of three amphibrachs, or a single syllable followed by two dactyls then a trochee? Perhaps there is no answer.
    These wierdos are speaking in Greek!
    True Britons the baselines must seek! Me neither Greek nor Brit...
    Let's talk Anglo-Saxon (Projoy) I think you can run over the barlines, as you say, if the two words are part of a phrase but I think it would be stretching the definition to breaking point to call that first line 3 amphibrachs. One possibly i.e. "amphibrach" but I'm not sure where the stress lies. It's not in my Concise Oxford Dictionary 1964. Too bloody concise, obviously. :-)
    Let’s rhyme that with huuh...... Jackson
    Now I talk and I look like a freak.
    They met at the bar 'Lotus Flower',
    At the foot of Pisas leaning tower
    She sipped a Martini
    He showed her his "weeny"
    They both slipped away for a shower
    [Rosie] I think the word "amphibrach" is a dactyl, stress on the first syllable. I must admit (perhaps because of a musical sort of background) I'd never really considered the whole-phrases question in that light. In music it's 3/4 (or whatever) regardless of the lyrics fall. By that perception a limerick line is always three amphibrachs (or two and an iamb), whatever the enjambement. It's when you get into freer verse, like sonnets, that it gets really hard to judge. We had a discussion a while back about whether "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's day" is really five iambs, or (as your view suggests) a dactyl, spondee, anapest and iamb (or maybe choriamb, dactyl, antibacchius). Anyway, the only reason for posting on it was that I just found this, which is surely the most definitive list of metrical feet to be found on the web. Anyone for some double asclepiads?
    So Crowley Deck's a Tarot-dactyl
    Don’t ask me, I think they used butyl? (Toby, I don't get what you're aiming at, but in Greek mythology the Dactyls were a strange race of creatures associated with the goddess Cybele and they were believed to live on Mount Ida and invented the art of working metals into usable shapes with fire)
    (And as this site seems to be a good place for education, here’s a little something to enlighten your tarot knowledge? http://www.bureau-13.com/crowleys_deck.html)
    It's a pun. The phrase is a dactyl; I was aiming at dinosaurs.
    And there are things that rhyme with it.
    There once was a Tarotic Dino; Who courted a horny young Rhino; The made love for a week; And they danced cheek to cheek; After while came a Wine-Dine Bambino
    What happened to The Back to Basics campaign? Were you not listening, Toby and anonymouse? Tsk,tsk.
    There was a bling-merchant from Slough
    who's only friend was a cow!
    But he sold her for beans, *apologising for the slightly irregular metre*
    And you know what that means
    He had to let Grandma pull the plough. So, we’re back to basics huh? Considering she’s just 90 and is eating like a horse it’s OK with me ;-)
    There once was a preacher in Venice
    who had a big red engine called dennis
    And he played with his toy
    allow me ...
    There once was a preacher in Venice
    Who had a red engine called 'Dennis'
    He played with his toy
    Bringing solace and joy
    As an arsonist he was a menace.
    Oh, show me the way to go home!
    I tire and would fain go to bed
    [Kim] Or "to Rome", maybe? Or "v'dome"?
    Cause I’m longing so for Jerome, We will meet in Kim’s bed hi Projoy, please carry on...
    for reasons best unsaid (Marc) As far as I know, Kim is a bloke, as I am too. :-)
    (But let’s nail ‘im down at his tome;-) ... arn't we all blokes doing what we do right now??
    There once was a man on the Moon
    But no-one is going back soon
    The cost was tremendous
    The locals horrendous
    And the shops kept on shutting at noon.
    I can't stand a woman who moans *female author get-out clause declared*
    And who nags, bickers, argues and drones *quickly getting out of the room declared*
    So when I have time
    I will teach her to mime
    And keep her away from the phones.
    There was a young lad from Madras
    Trained a rather intelligent ass     As one does.
    It could mime and eat apples
    chew dildos, make fallefels
    and prove theorems by Pythagoras (a square ass indeed!)
    You sleep very well in Dundee
    Unless stung on the nose by a bee
    But under your kilt oblig.
    is the source of your guilt Ooh, deep insight.
    and that which thou useth to pee.
    Whilst swimming with old Jacques Cousteau
    I noticed black shadows below
    I pointed and said
    "I thought Blackbeard was dead!"
    “But look out, cause he’s still on the show!”
    She once got this funny idea
    To make Humpty Dumpty a peer
    But dubbing his shell
    Caused the poor egg to swell
    And cracked up his lovely veneer.
    In the grand scheme of things - on the whole,
    We may soon end up in - a black hole,
    On the road – let’s have fun!
    Before we become
    Singularitarly out of control
    The tortuous path to nirvana
    Is halituous using marijuana
    [anonymouse] You have enriched my knowledge of English.
    To light up a spliff
    And crash out like this
    [Raak]It is explained in OneLook (halituous=like breath; vaporous) and the line is supposed to mean that you end up as smoke instead of reaching nirvana if you are stupid enough to use that drug (please also note the attemt to get a double rhyme with line 1).
    You’d better turn left in Botswana?
    She walked along Copacabana
    masked by nought but a smoking Havana
    But when the wind blew
    up her dress flew!
    some white-space here In a
    Clearly provocative manner.
    (revealed she’s a Fata Morgana?)
    In order to make a white sauce
    To compliment your favorite fish course
    Take some butter and flour
    Stir at least once an hour
    Then remove from the pan with brute force!
    Soft bran, taken three times a day,
    For chick’s, to keep the cock away, ...birdie nam nam...
    Little chicks that are fed
    Little chicks in my bed....
    It'll fix all their ailments, hooray! [Marc] <mode="patronise"> line four scanned wonderfully, nearly there with line two ;-) </mode>
    Please look at my lovely new bladder!
    A loan from my grandma’s puff adder,
    The large venom sac
    Can be strapped on my back
    And doubles-up as a nice ladder
    My sting then may spit a big splatter (using rhyming license 2684, US-accent imitation, and [Bigsmith] "Age before beauty!" ;-)
    (Which is banned at the Henley Regatta)
    [Marc] I believe the usual retort to "age before beauty" is "pearls before swine". :) Continuing from what I take is UK's second line of a limerick beginning with your last line...
    I must first get my coat
    Then as ‘Korky’ we’ll float…
    As my world may suddenly shatter.
    Red Baron chased this Sopwith Camel,
    Steered his plane - one eye of enamel,
    One tooth of pure steel,
    And a screw-off left heel
    Curse you!, you Teutonic trammel
    I'm itching to tell you my news!
    Termites are eating the pews!
    The vicar's gone mad!
    There’s nothing to add!...lots of !!! tonite...
    Does all of this tend to bemuse?
    You know, I look forward to Monday
    'Cos it always comes right after Sunday (grabbing the only rhyme for "Monday" in the language...)
    Tho' Saturdays tend
    To mark the weed's end One epiphany after another, this one...
    Goddammit, "weeks's", you know I meant
    Oh, I give up.
    ...let’s hope you are through before Friday?
    They Samba a lot down in Rio,
    While driving in a Renault Clio
    So when you cross the street
    Don't look at your feet
    Just do it all with style e con brio.
    “I can’t dance but I’m yours!” she said,
    "But you'll find that I'm alright in bed"
    So under the duvet
    We play games that two play taking the male voice for this line
    She came first past the post by a head.
    disgraceful!
    It's time for a nice cup of soup
    Because everything else I throw up (Northern accent declared)
    …unless whiskey you add… (any accent possible)
    ...then you won't feel so bad (RP invoked)
    Though it may cause a case of the droop.
    "The game," Sherlock said, "is afoot!"
    "Let's follow these footprints of soot!" (It could happen)
    My dear Watson, however,
    Not nearly so clever
    Quite ugly, and bald as a coot
    There's a bloke that works in our office
    Who says he's the author of Sophos (the virus)
    He is bald but not bold
    and frankly looks old
    But his code's not as vile as his cough is.
    Standing naked, on hill, with eyes closed
    Is not as much fun as supposed
    It gets rather chilly
    Around the old willy ... Yeah, I know - coat!
    Not mentioning things unexposed....
    She couldn’t resist what she saw,
    The (shining) gold-tooth in his upper jaw,
    The stainless steel hand
    his wooden leg and..
    .. his triumph in the Lotto™ draw.
    his hardwood dick without any flaw.alternative ending and line 4: one banger, tin canned?
    [Marc] are we supposed to applaud your lines 2, 4 & 5? :-)
    [Chalky] no, they are submitted just as examples of lines that should be banned from a serious site like this and any mature person writing such should be ashamed! ;-)
    There are times when it’s nice to be mean,
    Mr Average, Joe Cool, Mr Clean
    are all personal friends
    And we follow the trends
    Kicking ass, giving bruises bluish green. do you mean 'mean' or just 'mean'?
    Now soon it is time for the Harley,
    Said my friend, dear old, old Jacob Marley, indirect statement sloppily invoked
    He first got a TATTOO
    His Hells Angels membership came through
    So he downed a brewed barrel of barley. [plump] Don't let Penelope see that line...
    There once was a Jackalope hunter,
    There once was a Jackalope hunter,
    Who took on a post as a punter. Argh! No pun intended!
    He punted his boat
    To an island remote
    And hoisted a wild Jackass Gunter
    Some sailors get wet when they're sailing,
    Some whalers get wet when they're whaling
    But me and my crew
    Get seasick, and we spew
    And don't bother to lean o'er the railing
    That last one made me laugh out loud
    And banished my gloomy black cloud ... me too :-)
    So rejoice and be merry
    And toast it with perry
    For being so comicly endowed†
    My spirits have taken a dive
    ; My sandwich of onion and chive unfini...
    Has thrown itself off
    As it forced me to cough
    up all over this 'orrible dive.
    Preventative measures exist
    To stop you from getting too pissed
    Use a plug or a bag ....
    Or the missus will nag
    but don't become misogynist. With suitable syncopation.
    There once was a spy in the Whitehall,
    Who slipped all the mandarins Nytol
    While they were abed
    She sneaked in and read
    Diatribes by Nicholas Whitchall

    That's not what a hoover is for! (just watched Belleville Rendez-vous)
    Er, <hr>
    It's supposed to be used on the floor!
    That's not what a hoover is for! (just watched Belleville Rendez-vous)
    It can suck, it can blow,
    *Uses nail scissors on the knot in the loop of the space-time continuum*
    That's not what a hoover is for!
    It's supposed to be used on the floor!
    It can suck, it can blow,
    And in case you don't know
    Cannot love, but so what? vive l'amour
    (sorry for the multipost - it sprang upon me)
    The conductor put down his baton
    And eyed the bassoon, who had spat on... attacca (unfino sentenza)
    the Trumpeters notes...
    , the piccolist's stoats,
    and the third oboe's dad, Derek Hatton.
    [T,PJ,P,R,r] Bravo!
    It is not necessarily true,
    But this apprroximation will do
    That pi is defined
    By two hearts entwined
    Round Rolf Harris, and a didgeridoo
    My hickory dickory dock
    Got caught in the old Vicars jock
    -strap, quite by chance
    As I made an advance
    And that's why I'm now in the dock
    You'll never get me on a train
    I've no courage, no heart, nor no brain [Oz declared]
    I’ll just sit here and wait
    With the scarecrow as bait
    For the witch to come by with her plane.
    She felt that her implants escaped,
    And became a crusader(caped)
    Her rampant enhancement
    Improved the advancement
    But her rearguard was not so well shaped.
    Syntactical tactics like these
    Methodologic'ly ease
    Lexicographer's tricks
    keen semantics
    Impractical praxis will squeeze?
    There once was a Caveman in Soho,
    Who bought Aerosmith's "Honkin' on Bobo",
    Then he hid in his cave
    (There are a few better rhymes for Soho I'm sure)
    For a rock music rave [Lisa] Go on then, now's your chance... :)
    And made a wall painting of his Moho...girls!
    Last night at the ‘Mad Vicar’s’ Pub,
    Known for good spirits and poor grub
    I supped on my beer careful to avoid the dreaded pint rhyme.
    Then felt rather queer
    And went to the Vicar to get a good rub. strange pub indeed?
    make sure that you live! (just in case…)
    we too oft forget in the daily race
    to earn us a crust
    Or do what we must
    To compete in the dawn-to-dusk race
    They framed the U.S. constitution
    And box'd the Chinese revolution.....who?
    But now, just for gays
    They're counting the days
    To marriages of dissolution
    I've a friend who lives out in Taiwan
    Who's a great great grandson of Genghis Khan
    His main occupation [an'ymouse] one less 'great' would be great :-)
    At Waterloo Station
    At the ‘Ladies’ as a standin’ Don Juan. [Chalky] You are right, but for sure he then would have been dead a long time ago, now (really: great great great great ..... grandson) there’s a chance he can still be at service ;-)
    The fat ugly Vicar of Brunswick,
    Got stuck as he tested his new trick
    of sawing in half
    Some poor girl in a scarf
    and a mouse with a strange nervous tick.
    I built the Embankment for drains
    but now they've gone and stuck trains
    underground, I might add
    Cut and cover's quite mad!
    It’s time now to restart the brains.
    Whenever you meet the grim reaper,
    Ask if he knows someone cheaper
    For the business of death
    As described in Macbeth ...nice topic a sunny Monday morning
    Doth cost when the dagger's plunged deeper.
    Contingency plans have been made
    To protect our stash of lemonade
    From life's depredations
    And thirsty Alsations
    but it's gone, all in vain, I'm afraid.
    Clear the decks, light the lights, take a bow! (to rhyme with "how")
    And dress as Jack Hargreaves from How
    but let's "Out Of Town"
    Discard the ball gown
    And quote from "Apocalypse Now"
    I have heard there’s a ghost in Hyde Park,
    Who perpertrates crimes after dark
    For instance, it lifts
    all the prizes and gifts
    and feeds them all to a shark.
    Clear the decks, light the lights, take a bow! (to rhyme with "show")
    Cause tonight they rehearse the echo show
    In the middle they will fiddle (not to rhyme with fiddle!)
    Hey, diddle, diddle
    At the end, they will shout 'Hello!'.... 'Hello!'
    Clear the decks, light the lights, walk the plank
    Load the guns, hoist the sails, get a spank
    Shout "hello sailor"
    To the next passing whaler
    Then unload in next port at the sperm bank? (ever heard of sperm whales?)
    There once was a whaler from Wales,
    Who told many sea-faring tales
    About living on blubber
    and dressing in rubber (Marc) Ever heard of scansion?
    While chopping the tails of the whales [Rosie] maybe we all need a lecture?
    There once grew a Rose in this garden
    Which, treated too roughly, would harden
    With thorns thick and sharp
    And a tough pericarp
    He'd prickle, till you begged his pardon
    The strange things which float in a bath
    Do somtimes, make me giggle and laugh
    Like my pink rubber duck
    And the layer of muck
    Simple tracks ‘long our primrose path
    The snow is all turning to slush
    And spring is approaching, with rush
    Now the pollen count soars
    And those pro-Winter bores :P
    Will shut up and give us some hush!
    While making a nice cup of tea Must be getting old. (Projoy) Too right! On uk.sci.weather (a newsgroup) you can almost hear the sound of toys being thrown out of prams when the snow melts, or doesn't arrive in the first place. :-(
    I reached for the 'oil' to my knee
    Which, swollen and red,
    Suppurated and bled
    So I ’oiled’ the inside of me! Tea and rum is a great lubri-hic’-ant!
    There once was a Limerick forger
    Who tried to rhyme "Lucretia Borgia"
    The result, he found
    Will forever astound
    The folk of Atlanta Georgia
    When directing traffic, beware
    Try connecting me with, a prayer
    John Sellar once said, challenge excepted
    No traffic in bed!
    Cause it's naughty directing it there!
    The lies I have told in my time
    In pursuit of an end so sublime
    That I now laugh and gloat
    And endlessly quote
    How I bought Microsoft for a dime
    There once was a horny old moose, Good (monday)morning all!
    Who'd do anything, just for a goose
    but his quests for a duck...
    met with naught but a cluck
    From a rather alarmed plat-y-pus.
    nice one :-)
    Today I am going to try
    To greet everyone with a lie
    It'll be such a whopper
    You won’t see it’s improper
    It's "My, you look nice, oh my my!"
    I have just seen a long Chinese play
    It lasted three weeks and a day
    Now my bum is so sore
    but I slept through one third
    bugger siml-posts strikes again...
    I really should have wore
    Pink knickers and my fat butt toupee? what do I know, I wasn’t even there!
    There once was a Chinese Chinese, (may one use the same word as adjective and as a noun?? Confucius would approve I’m sure!)
    Who consumed chinese fleas with his peas
    Which was fiendish, because
    just by sweeping the floors
    He filled up his spring rolls with ease.
    There once was a strange type of fly
    Which zipped down from shoulder to thigh
    Revealing a torso
    With no front, nor verso (sorry for the crappy rhyming)
    a very strange insect, by and by. Naff I know but so what...
    King Klaus can reclaim his old crown
    and he did with a scowl and a frown
    Unlike ol' King cole
    Who just toyed wiyth his bowl
    And enjoyed a good party in town!
    Begorrah, 'tis St. Paddy's day! No offence to the Irish intended
    (My apologies for the cli-shay)
    There'll be drinking of Guinness Might as well kepp it going :)
    There’ll be puking and illness (sorry!)
    And a hangover for all of next day.
    It's David's Day down here in Wales Really.
    I bought my calendar, cheap in the sales
    And I'm flying my flag
    Lest my fervour should sag
    I’ll fix it firm with a couple of nails? Ymddiheurwn am unrhyw anghyfleustra y mae hyn yn ei achosi.
    She shivered when his hand touched her knee
    Then recovered and quoted her fee
    Which was four sticks of rock
    and an old carriage clock
    Three badgers and twenty-five pee
    While whisking up Angel Delight (Marc) Ardderchog yw hwnna (Excellent, that). Phrasebook?
    I gave all the angels a fright
    By souring the mix
    With two pheasant chicks [eeuw!]
    And all had to take the next flight. [Rosie] No phrasebook, pure chance! (http://www.llgc.org.uk/)
    There once was a chaste girl who said:
    " I want to be chased into bed"
    "Then chased up the aisle"
    "(But chased with some style)"
    "And, if not, chased with ardour instead"
    A man's got to do, what his woman says,
    Let's replay that in the correct rhythm as it's a first line ..
    a'mouse - A man does what his woman says
    Chalky - When his heart and his loins are ablaze
    A man's got to do, what his woman says, ...please take it from here again, thx...
    Whenever his heart and, his loins are ablaze
    It cuts down on trouble
    But leaves behind stubble [anonymouse/Chalky] I think the line does scan if you treat "woman says" as a feminine rhyme ("A man's got to do what his woman says", rather after the manner of "A marvellous bird is the pelican.
    But it does mean players have to find something to rhyme with "woman says", which is arguably a bit of a mean challenge to set... as there aren't many rhymes for "woman" or "says".
    anonymouse - if I'd wanted to post an 11- syllable line in a Limerick I would have done so and stretched even beyond sonnet metre. If you're offended then I apologise - helpful limer-rhythm hints have long been a feature of these games ... honest!
    And then he will need a sharp raze -or
    In order to drive out the blues
    Lets order a vodka and juice We all must allow for the rule of 'cy pres'! (alternative ending on previous masterpieace, mening we must try doing our best, also pacing our fellow poets
    I'll start again then .. and I promise to do my very very best
    Chalky - It's high time you all went to see
    The next pub, all drinks are on me! Sorry, my keyboard made an unexpected move ;-). My comment should have read: previous masterpeace (sic!), meaning we must all try doing our best, including pacing
    For the barmaid's tattoos unfini...
    Show two jugs full of booze
    And she'll let you taste them for free!
    In order to drive out the blues re-entering...
    Let's order a Vodka and juice
    four pints of Old Scrotum,
    one shot antidotum
    Nothing but sobriety to lose
    Napoleon said to his men
    ”Don’t march like a newly screwed hen!” (sorry, maybe my translation is not exact...?)
    "You must march upright"
    "And only at night"
    "And cluck when I tell you when."
    Who my new doctor is, I don't know,
    But nonetheless I'll boldly show
    Where my problems lie Or should that be 'how'?
    Whether low or high
    For its either my eye or my toe
    Subtract the first number you thought of
    And you will get zero, or sort of
    Then add what is left
    With algebra deft
    This defeats your average plus-four toff.
    The youth of the heart, and the dew
    Has left my back wet, déjà vu? Hi Projoy, nice line! http://sniff.numachi.com/~rickheit/dtrad/pages/tiYOUTHART.html
    And old age shall dry
    The spit on my thigh The orange gore-tex please...
    As maturity changes one's view
    Collating statistical data
    Concerning spontaneous stigmata
    Is what I do best
    Dressed in just pants and vest Beg pardon. I've used the line before, but it's a favourite.
    And my fee is just barely pro rata
    In day-glo bikini and shoes Warnings against drinking Lucozade at this time in the morning
    Mrs Thatcher began to peruse Sorry, couldn't resist it
    A bazaar in Bangcock
    where she had the key for a lock
    To unleash a large herd of gnus
    Ted Heath was renowned for his views
    To express which he'd never refuse
    Took no sinecure up
    with his keenness on Europe (Projoy) Is this what you were looking for? Happy to oblige. :-)
    And that is the end of the news.
    one bright Sunday morning in May
    I heard Edward Heath try to say
    "Oi! Get off my face!" [Rosie] Yes, much obliged to you. :)
    "I'm trying to race!"
    “Before you find out that I’m gay!”
    An MP once said to his wife:
    "I will not do 'This Is Your Life'!
    But next day in the Sun
    On page number 1
    "My childhood was rough" claims were rife
    Is hist'ry repeating itself?
    By getting all news off the shelf ?
    Again and again?
    it all seems the same!
    All gone is our News Fairy Elf? (... if she ever existed?)
    There once was a virgin in Brest
    Whose secret was hid 'neath a vest
    She never removed it
    But there was s surfeit
    Of hair, so she covered her chest.
    I met with a man in a tent
    In the garden of England, or Kent
    But the Medway's in spate
    And he may become late (As in, "the late Arthur Dent".)
    Cause I noticed his wiener was bent
    I’m sure that I’ve lived once before
    For circa ten years and three score
    t'was the life of a monk
    To such depths had I sunk
    -- Reincarnation is really a bore!
    My brain is beginning to hurt
    As soon as I look up a skirt
    While I lie on the floor
    'cos from there you see more
    I'm the most extreme kind of flirt.
    Can I get fifty kilos of cheese?
    In my handbag? I can if I squeeze
    Add twelve boxes of wine ...party time?
    A large 'Party' sign ... oh yes!
    And thus make a trap for John Cleese
    Go on - do your funniest walk!
    The one where you make like a stork
    And bring in a baby.
    Or make one? (well, maybe....)
    or is it no action and all talk!.
    Don't ply me with gifts and strong drink!
    They impede my ability to think!
    That I’m witty and wise!
    And I have slender thighs
    And alcohol makes my breath stink.
    We're one hour late and we’re free!
    We defected from old B.S.T
    Now the evenings are lighter [pen] GMT, shurely?
    And our future seems brighter
    So why can't we stick with C.E.T?
    When something just doesn't make sense
    It's best not to get too intense
    Say "La la, don't care!"
    Or say a li’l prayer?
    It's much better to sit on the fence.
    Few things leave me sadder than this:
    It's too long since I last had a kiss :o(
    and it's not halitosis Perish the thought!
    Or unflattering clotheses
    I guess Cupid's arrow did miss.
    A miss is as good as a mile
    A wink is as good as a smile
    But a mink is as good
    As a corduroy hood
    And far more elegant in style.
    There once was a miss dressed in mink
    Beneath, she wore lingerie, pink
    . She wore sandals of teak
    On her face, a false beak
    And a carrot where no-one would think!
    There once was a parrot named Jack (Good line Uncle!)
    And the toughest of nuts he would crack
    But he swore like a trooper or schoolgirls on the top of a bus
    , was a real party pooper
    And was rough with the chicks in the sack.
    Beware, cause soon it’s April fools day
    And tricks upon you they will play
    Putting salt in your tea
    Playing reverse MC
    And telling your mother you're gay
    Not that I'm planning anything...
    Its fun to get back at your mate
    And set him up with a blind date
    Who is genuinely blind
    And hopefully don’t mind
    Going halves on whatever you ate
    I sense that I came here before
    And hope you forgive and ignore
    My latest faux pas
    When I called your mama
    A nag and quite frankly, a bore
    There once was a fellow called Eric
    A really exceptional cleric
    He had just one vice
    He was frightened by mice
    So he ate them and that is barbaric ! (says anony-mouse!)
    A ravishing woman in need
    Is something to treasure indeed
    But no mere hussy
    Would ere be so fussy
    'bout choosing with whom she should breed! Coat!!!
    A secret held by Michael Grade
    A drink that makes old maidens laid: http://www.expressmedia.co.uk/malcrfl/grade.htm
    Try with Baileys, it works
    And one of the perks
    Is you're paid if you sprayed when she's splayed
    I have time for the old BBC
    And, yet, it has no time for me
    Disillusioned by Hutton,
    I'll push the 'OFF' button,
    and then explode in a fit of joy and glee!!
    The great thing about Channel 4
    Is you know that you've seen it before And now on Channel Four...Friends....
    This is Global, you know! ... not only Channel 4, also Chanel 5!
    And our favourite show
    Will be screened several times more
    When sick, ill or poorly, one should
    Get hold of a quarter, one could?
    Whatever that means
    In hot fever dreams
    Be a fraction more to the good
    When faced with a barrage of lies
    And attempts to pull wool o'er my eyes
    I'll start screaming, in Welsh
    And then loudly belch
    "Mae hi wedi cachi arna i"s!"
    The languages spoken in Wales
    , As one pulls from ones eyes certain scales,
    Seem quite out of tune
    With 'Au Clair de la Lune
    Though singing when telling Welch tales
    His name was Llywelyn the Last
    And he spoke in Welsh - very fast
    His demise, it was gory
    But it made a great story
    With choruses sung by the cast.
    His last name, 'tis true, was Llewellyn
    He was known as a renegade felon
    'though Polish by birth
    he lived on Welsh earth
    Ball kicking, but loves honey melon (o)(o) ! Gareth or Chris Llewellyn?
    She played with his balls every night ...new ball game...?
    Even tho' her interest was slight
    But she found that the perks
    Of sleeping with berks
    Made playing with balls quite all right.
    The sock hops I hold in my shed
    Has made all my neighbours see red
    There's blood up the walls
    and stains on my balls!
    Next time I will make them co-ed
    He was told by his dear Uncle Andy:
    "My boy, I am feeling quite randy"
    He ran off with a cry
    When I bit his thigh
    Cause he feared I was after his candy.
    In search of a drink alcoholic
    To make my pet terrapin frolic
    I chancéd upon
    Spiked tea from Ceylon
    For which all claims are quite hyperbolic. Worth a try, though, I'm sure. :-) (Chalky) V. classy!
    These stories are utterly false
    I’ve heard from the rear of the horse false rhyme warning!
    They're a load of manure (Marc) Yeah, difficult, but there is a rhyme for "false", which I'm saving for line 5, unless someone else gets there first.
    And their rhythm unsure though somewhat dancing, Rosie?
    It sounds like a hesitant waltz.
    The night-clubs of old Budapest (anonymouse, Darren) through which flows the Blue Danube, of course.:-)
    Won't let anyone in in a vest
    The dress code's so strict
    And guests are handpicked
    But once in, you can then get undressed.
    The most famous thing about York (that last one was great!)
    Was his monstrous penchant for 'pork' (Prince Andrew, Duke of York, and whichever form of pork you fancy)
    But he fell on his sword
    Whene'er he was bored
    And then stabbed his fat rear with a fork
    One morning they'd breakfast in bed,
    The next they would play being dead
    On the third, they'd be silly
    By smearing hot chili
    all over, including his head. Hot stuff!
    There once was a woman who wrote:
    "You can't beat good sex with a goat.
    "The foreplay's not great,
    But the horn is first rate
    (Hang on while I go get my coat)
    although there were a few inviting alternative rhymes if anyone wants to take another shot at that line...
    A dancer named Lionel Blair
    Had a secret and torrid affair
    With Samantha and Sven
    And Bills randy Ben
    It broke up 'cos they wouldn't share
    There once was a dwarf named Bertie
    Whose thoughts was not great, mere dirty
    His grammar was poor
    His mind so impure ;-)
    Girls puked when he tried to get flirty
    I've found, by experimenting
    That good beer is made by fermenting
    hops and pork chops,
    Old, used heads of mops
    but I did work for Watneys. (Repenting).
    Barkeep! A pint of Red Barrel! [T,K,T,s,R] Excellent.
    For my hot new date, Colin Farrell! ;o)
    Make that four pints for me, ...it's monday morn...
    (That'll sure make me wee!)
    And some waterproof under-apparel
    Would my underwear put out a fire?
    Said Marion to Tuck, the Gray Friar,
    My incontinence pants
    Are alive with red ants
    And held up with telephone wire
    A Telephone Line...
    Whilst sitting in a nest of red ants
    He hoped she would take off her pants
    But her circumspection
    Killed off his erection
    And put paid to to her hopes for infants
    Bravo all above!
    An odd-looking cowgirl named Wendy
    Had legs that wer 'specially bendy (don't fight it)
    Astride a large horse
    She performed intercourse
    With a cowboy undressed very trendy.
    There once was a horse in the nude
    Who lived in a field near to Bude
    He frolicked all day
    In a meadow of hay
    Tap dancing all day in good mood. ( "In the Mood"? http://www.budejazzfestival.co.uk/ )
    The stompers are grouping in Bude,
    The stompers are grouping in Bude,..sorry, my mind was already there...
    The things they are doing are lewd
    with a muted trombone
    and an old mobile 'phone
    It's a wonder they've never been sued
    I’m off for vacation today
    Meaning all of you should say 'Hooray'
    Cause we’re free to work hard
    With little regard ... just who is writing this lim now? you? me? all of you? we? they?
    For what pointy-haired bosses might say.
    I've just had a bitch of a day (I'm sorry, but I really have....)
    So please, someone, lead me astray
    I yearn to be kinky
    SLip into something slinky
    and bang away on my Bishop, okay!!.
    The Bishop looked down and then said:
    Just what is that lying in my bed?
    The actress replied
    "It can't be denied,"
    "Now put your mitre back onto your head."
    ”Your Holiness this is too much!" ...interesting subject...?
    "I'm trying to watch Starsky & Hutch"
    "Your bishop, you bash it"
    "It's mine, it's an asset!"
    "Just keep it away from my crutch!"
    He raised his finger and said
    "This digit is made out of bread"
    "If you're sceptical, suck it"
    I did, then threw up in a bucket
    And that's how I ended up dead. Obligatory really!
    She greased him in balm of Gilead
    Then nibbled his earlobes indeed
    But the cedars of Lebanon "eed"?
    Rose 'round them both,(skip beat) tall and strong "But the cedars of Lebanon" ?
    To climb them would need all the will 'e 'ad It rhymes. It scans, more or less.
    One reason for hiding in cedars
    Seems to have escaped Guardian readers ... well rescued Rosie
    But the Times' editorial Inviting obvious rhyme
    Is more lavatorial hook, line & sinker
    With paper so soft, quoting our leaders. ..imagine Tony Blair on the loo…
    As a limerick line this isn't particularly good
    But who says it has to scan all the time Dude
    There once was a sweet little nun Sorry st dog, trying at the best of my ability. What about you?
    Gorged herself on a HUGE sticky bun i am just trying, marc.
    Her wimple exploded
    Her corsets eroded
    For penance, ten thousand "Hail Mary's", now run.
    This flattery might turn my head
    Keep on and my face will turn red ...from choking?
    I'd rather you went
    To a Chinaman's tent
    And screw up all the sheets in his bed Turning heads and screwing, ...it’s not Friday yet!
    Last year was the year of the whores ...as the Chinaman said...
    I can tell you, that opened some doors
    Of brothels, mayhap?
    (For some lucky chap)
    Who tasted temptation live ne'er before
    There once was a girl in Hong Kong
    Who rode on her (w)horse all night long ..obligatory...?
    When daytime would break,
    Her backside would ache
    Because she'd been riding all wrong.
    What sort of riding was she doing? ...coat time I think...
    What sort of verse are you pursuing?
    It's not quite a limerick
    Never mind, we'll give it a lick
    And know good writing we're eschewing.
    Cheese is nice but it can smell quite bad....
    Like the Black-Belted Stilton I once had…
    It walked to my plate
    Its blue eyes filled with hate
    And said, "You're a terrible cad."
    A penguin can make a good pet
    Except that it won't see the vet
    Appetite voracious Cost you a bomb in fish.
    Oh yes, goodness gracious
    The shit will cause trouble you bet!
    Her penguin loved drinks ‘on the rocks’
    And quaffed them, in slippers and socks
    He liked, more than most,
    Champagne, and would toast
    Antarctica! a land he now mocks.
    There once was a Boxer named Stu
    Who’d swept many floors, quite a few
    He polished and scrubbed
    So much, he was dubbed
    And then swept ‘cross the floor by Baloo http://www.njboxinghof.org/cgi-bin/henryseehof.pl?73
    there once was a mailbox quite red
    Its owner was someone who said:
    "Penny stamps cost a pound,"
    "there's inflation around,"
    I'll just send an email instead
    Sorry! :(
    Once a copper with a huge scabby nose
    Danced the Tango with a lass with no clothes
    Said the lass to the copper,
    Treat me nice... but improper,
    And I'll lend you my best pantie-hose.
    Is it proper to finish and start?
    Is it right to set fire to a fart?
    Done both in my time
    But now, in my prime,
    I'll just sit and tuck into this tart
    This tart tastes awful you know.
    But it's good enough in a face to throw....?
    It's messed up my grammar
    P-plays havoc w-with my st-stammer
    And makes terrible rumblings below.
    Give me ALL of your chocolate cake
    Or I'll poke out your eyes with this stake
    It may sound extreme
    That I love cake and cream
    And use violence to get what I take.
    The charm of the Icelandic sagas
    are great but they drive me Banana's
    Think of Noggin the Nog
    Or Hoggin the Hog? (never ‘eard of ‘im though)
    While you sit eating cod round your agas
    Widey... 'Bananas' to rhyme with 'Sagas'??? AND witha greengrocer's apostrophe? Come ON!! And Bigsmith - if you ain't heard of it and had to invent it, why put it in? There was lots of opportunity for a realistic and genuine rhyme there. Pffft. It's obvious I have Quality Issues but I'll get off my high horse now. By the way - did you know the Icelandic grow their own bananas and mangos in glasshouses on the SW coast, heated by geothermal springs?
    Wha'd'I do?!
    She teasingly said with a smile: hi penelope and thanks, 'making waves' will hopefully help us all lifting ourselves to a higher level (if possible ;-)
    "What you're doing is utterly vile" I think Penelope meant to chide Marc rather than Bigsmith. However, "bananas" (correctly punctuated) is in my opinion a perfect rhyme for both "sagas" and "agas", unless you're American.
    "Please put it away"
    "Without further delay"
    "For its size, it just isn't worthwhile!"
    A Lim'rick without any chat
    Is better than chewing the fat
    But the temptation's there [pen] So that's just one greengrocer then... Apostrophes aren't easy to use flippantly!
    To leave the line bare [Tuj] I don't like to prostitute myself around several greengrocers, doncha know!!
    But everyone frowns upon that [pen] Come and see how the other half live our lives...
    Whilst waiting for water to boil,
    after a very long day of toil
    We just sit by the fire
    Planning soon to retire
    To a bath with some lavender oil.
    It is better not to discuss
    The state of Anne Widdecombe's truss
    or John Prescott's pants
    or Tony Blair's stance
    Or the route of the 43 bus.
    'Tis thrice thrice thrice thrice thirty days
    Since I last made her eyes go all glazed
    When I put the pear
    In the orifice where
    There's a gap in the midst of her stays
    When I go digging in the road
    If lucky, sometimes I find a toad (?)
    Who teaches me scansion
    and limerick tension
    But rhyme is too hard to be know'd.
    The story of the Piltdown Man
    Is hidden unknown in this flan
    Just one tiny bite
    Turned out to be right
    The fact he had no pension plan
    ”Some day I’ll return!”, said his wife
    Said he: "Yeah! Not on your life!"
    "You're only an ant"
    And your humour is scant
    and your farts I could cut with a knife.
    There once was a man from East Fife (wife, knife and life all barred)
    Where strange prohibitions are rife
    But some are allowed!
    Like Flogging a crowd??
    And banning three words in our strife???
    There once was a man in Key West
    Who wore a spectacular vest
    Sort of bloomy with flowers
    arbours and bowers How's the toothy-peg, Rosie?
    Which, unwashed, did not smell the best.
    There once was a hole in the ground (e.g. http://pineapple.homestead.com/Musa.html)
    From which came an unspeakable sound
    It sounded a bit
    Simulposted, rats. You have just been saved from It went "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm"
    Like "grbthlkqtrrkpsqwlm", and it
    Was uttered with menace profound. ... scary stuff
    Chalky - once had to witness the birth
    buggeration .... I'll start again
    Chalky - I once had to witness the birth
    Of triplets from a mum full of mirth!
    she pushed and she squirmed
    And grimaced and gurned
    and she now has a much smaller girth. As one does.
    Giving birth is a hard way to diet
    as not many mums are compliant
    Though they foreplay a lot…..
    Shelling a tot
    Then eat as to feed a huge Giant hm... I’ll make no remarks, I’ll keep quiet!
    There once was a man with a bike,
    Who managed the Penge Spud-U-Like
    He'd deliver hot tatties
    Turn clients into fatties
    'Til all of them looked quite alike
    I once went to play with an eel
    but mistook it for a bull seal
    I threw a big ball
    on the eel it did fall
    Then bounced to the seal – No big deal?
    There once was a girl who could drive
    The third green using wood number five
    But when she started putting
    Her partner was tutting
    It's a wonder that he's still alive!
    I've just spent a cool thousand quid
    On a barrel of rum-flavoured squid
    It tastes quite disgusting
    Last time I'll be trusting
    That cockney-ish twat next door, Sid!
    There's a man down our way who sells beer
    Just walked of the end of a Pier
    You have one – then pee three
    Go swim before tea [ZK - last line above ....fab!]
    And know that your drowning is near.
    ”Keep swimmin’”, she said to her child
    . "I'll teach you to git yer Mum riled!"
    But the kid replied "Pish!"
    "I'll do what I wish"
    “Like you, at my age, running wild!”
    “What’s that standing up?” said the Blonde,
    As she dangled her toes in the pond
    "It looks very silly"
    As she kicked at a lily
    ”The bloomers I gave you, James Bond!” You never know the imaginative logics by Blondes…
    A virgin once stood on a hill http://www.crystalinks.com/glastonburytor.html
    And pranced naked by moonlight until
    The dew-dampened grass
    Saw this come to pass:
    She lost what she had, with great thrill ....and now it's all gone!
    A virgin once said to her mother:
    I wish that I had a big brother
    Because he could beat
    A Bach fugue with his feet
    Whilst I try to whistle another
    I've been at the coconut oil Almost made a very embarrassing typo!
    It sootheth my skin and my boil
    But my palms and my soles
    Are as red as hot coals
    Since from the oil they didst recoil
    Chalky - Have courage! Be brave and stay strong
    You won't be stuck here for too long
    There's a train on the way
    Will arrive end of May
    Singing the Thomas the Tank Engine song!
    Screwing the last screw on the plaque
    Fasten it better than using tack
    The brass bits will shine
    If rubbed with red wine
    , fresh garlic and damp bladderwrack. *phew*
    Take notice of what teachers teach
    However, when old preachers preach
    You can blithely ignore
    Leaning back (please don’t snore!)
    On your own private pew made of beech.
    I've been stuck in here for a week
    With a Spangle stuck to my cheek.... to those too yound to remember Spangles were boiled sweets.
    It's beginning to burn - I remember them being chewy...
    Both afront and astern
    And my hormones are starting to leak. Spangles? Boiled fruit sweet, surely?
    Opal Fruits, Sharp's Toffees and Spangles
    Flared trousers, the Beatles, and bangles
    Are things I keep hid
    When I was a kid (oblig)
    We never had such – we'd chew rubbles
    She said underneath she was nude
    I said, "Don't tell me, I'm a prude!"
    But she had the pictures
    Which had her in strictures
    To see these, lots of men, they had queued.
    It's sweet and it's made out of string
    But I'm sorry - it's just not my thing
    Instead, I use plastic
    It's rather fantastic!
    Please wait, a new hanger I’ll bring.
    She once was so sweet I’ve been told
    Which made her quite sticky to hold
    The more that I licked,
    The more that she kicked
    And she bucked and she squirmed and she rolled. Mine's the mac, please.
    The day I dug up an old jar
    I found I was richer by far
    When I rubbed it, a genie
    Appeared with a weenie for our U.S. readers
    All covered in feathers and tar
    “Oh gosh what is this?” said my wife,
    My draw-ers with kittens are rife!
    “So I’m off to the store,”
    To get rid of some more!
    I said: "It'd be quicker by knife!" door...
    The pride of all London's at stake
    All based on a common mistake:
    "The Olympics make money"
    And "Ben Elton's funny"
    And the system of transport will break.
    She thought for a while and then said:
    "The voices are back in my head."
    She then clobbered Marc [who seems to be fixated by 'she']
    (It's the ol' monthly lark!) ducks to avoid the Chalkwhip.
    And dragged him back home to her bed. ..where she mended his now swollen head!
    There once was a nun from Tibet
    Who took an old yak to the vet
    The prognosis was grim
    They castrated him
    Though the yak hasn't been seen to yet.
    There once was a miss from Montana
    Who wore a most striking bandana
    Its colour suggested
    Her hair was infested
    in a most disagreeable manner.
    There once was a man with a big
    - I'm sorry! I meant to say brig -
    that's a goal, to the wise Jail, Goal, Brig, Prison.
    First he lives – then he dies(?) ...my summerhouse is called The Brig cause once there lived an old inmate...
    My Brig has a two-masted rig. ...how did we navigate to arrive here…?
    He sailed ‘round the world with no stop,
    in a boat, he bought from a shop?????
    However, a leak [widey] Bold text please
    And a worrying squeak
    Meant the trip, on the whole, was a flop.
    Keep it simple, it seems to work well
    Said a greybeard who lived in a dell
    Just like me and my goat
    We’re not rocking the boat
    But we're making a terrible smell
    The words of this terrible song
    Are meaningless, dire, just wrong
    If only Jonathon King
    The words of this terrible song
    Are meaningless, dire, and just wrong
    If Jonathon King
    carry on...
    Had played less with the thing I'm safe saying this with so many police about, eh?
    He’d written for leather and thong.
    The words of this terrible song
    Are meaningless, dire, and wrong
    And if Jonathan King
    Had played less with his thing
    He’d finished it not before long
    There once was a Lim’rick Police
    Who gave orders to sist and decease
    But he came unstuck
    His apostrophe
    damn - simulpost. After you Darren...
    …when hit by a ----(wrooom)--Truck---->
    [KH - you were also hit I guess ?]
    And the correction brings no real relief.
    A frenchman, by name Apostrophe
    Had daughters called Fifi and Sophie - assuming he was meant to be "Apostrophe"
    Really charming damsels
    Loved to kiss their dick-cissels
    A sparrow-like bird (Spiza Americana) native to southern Ontario
    And a chap by the name of Annan, Kofi
    A line of the times
    That last one didn't quite work :-) - never mind, tomorrow's another day ...

    If questioned, I don't give a damn

    What the menu says; just give me spam!
    and eggs with fries
    and what six fifty buys
    Including one pint and a giant Dram. (... Cheers all!)
    It seemed as he’d slept in his suite,
    He sure wasn't tidy or neat [Marc - did you mean 'suit' I wonder?]
    ...sure KH, it was that huge Dram causing my keyboard to slip... sorry ;-)
    ...then maybe you would like to rhyme otherwise?
    It seemed as he’d slept in his suit
    He sure wasn't tidy nor cute
    But somehow he charmed
    All those that he harmed
    With a whack from his oversized feet / With a jig on his badly tuned flute
    P.S. antiknees is ashamed of his unemboldened text. he blames ignorance.
    Antiknees is forgiven...
    ...this time
    "Look here" he said, with a grin
    as he flashed at the girl in the gym
    His camera was bright [antiknees] For help with your bold quest, look here: http://mustela.phyast.pitt.edu/basichtml.html
    It's love at first sight
    Please watch how I’ve trained my fifth Limb! …he took the next flight to Berlin…?
    One night as she played her Violin
    Something went "twang" deep within
    "It's my G-string!" she thought loadsa rhymes 'ere... take your pick!
    "The one I just bought"
    "From that flea market back in Berlin."
    She was bored, so moved up to a harp
    Cause her chin had been formed kind of sharp(...by squeezing the fiddle)
    The harp cut it flat
    forming a gap!
    The blood sounded 'Splat'; And she gasped her new gap like a carp.
    There once was a party in Lerwick
    With whiskey, beer and grilled Slippery Dick
    DAMMIT. Why can't people come up with things that even *approximately* rhyme and scan? I seem to remember that "Lerwick" rhymes with words like "Eric" and "hysteric", not to mention place names like "Berwick". "Slippery Dick" is never going to be a rhyme, not even if you put the stress completely wrongly on the "er" of "slippery".

    Sorry about the rant, but I just also read the truly terrible ending by one or two Wideys to the previous one, in which again all scansion, rhyme and sense were completely lost... You can get away with perhaps mildly stretching *one* of rhyme, scansion, sense and stresses on the correct syllable of the word, but not more than that - for instance, you can't ask for the stress on the completely wrong syllable of "slippery" to make a rhyme *and* interpolate an extra syllable into the rhyme (an "-erick" sound with an "-eridick") at the same time, especially not while already having to stress the completely wrong word earlier in the line (in this case the "and"). It just doesn't make sense. Not only is Willie Rushton swirling in his urn, the rest of the ISIHAC team would be doing the same or turning in their graves if they were in fact dead.

    Rant ends.

    Fiddler - There once was a party in Lerwick and let's try again properly this time...
    Where I started to go quite hysteric adding a second line that actually works...
    I threw a full glass
    erm, I hate to break in here, especially since I completely agree with JLE, but Lerwick is pronounced Ler-wik, not Lerrik. Sorry and all that.
    It hit some bird's arse (Watty) Yep, it's Lur-wick. But JLE is dead right. Some of this stuff is truly awful, considering that this site is not a chatroom for spotty herberts. You can't be witty all the time, but at least you can play in tune, so to speak. Nnnnngh!
    I had to hide from her quick
    Obviously there are as many opinions of what are correct (wittiest or most exact or what?) Limerick rhyme and meter as there are contributors to this marvellous site. Let’s all face this and let us continue to do our very best in our mutual efforts to have fun and to, eventually, create the most perfect Limerick that has ever been seen!
    There once was a party in Lerwick
    Where things started go quite hysteric
    I threw a full glass
    It hit some bird's arse
    All night then her bottom I’d to lick
    Sorry to interrupt your harsh mood but anyway…
    ...my humble effort to give the 'Lerwick'-one a happy ending is way out of tune!
    Let him without wit cast first line, http://www.ajokes.com/jokes/845.html
    The lack of wit can be a sign Let's not descend into more scansion wars. The way I see it is, if you're getting annoyed by one game, then just play another instead. That's what I do these days.
    of mind now far gone
    With a nice butter'd scone ;-) - I'm on the fence about this one. Scansion wars definitely suck, but although there are a lot of opinions about what makes a good limerick, that doesn't mean there is no convergence, and that all conventions can safely be ignored. IMO, a good limerick is a successful interplay between form, coherence and humour - it's not necessary for all to be perfect and sometimes the one or the other takes precedence, but if all three are weak, why bother? And while it's true players can just look the other way for a while if the quality descends below their personal threshold, sometimes that means witty people don't bother to post any more and the enjoyment of the whole community can degrade a bit.
    Definitely with Porojoy on this one, as I've often found myself substituting a less witty line for one that remotely scans, or even (horrors!) moving on without posting, which some seem loathe to do. Oh, and Rosie's point on "Spotty Herberts" is superb!
    But the nurses all say I'll be fine
    The courage to lurk and not post
    Is managed quite swift by the most ...the cowards who lurk....?
    Disgusting of beasts
    (namely Jesuit priests) [Rosie] 'chatroom for spotty herberts' Love it :-)
    who fear naught but the Holy Ghost. (Chalky, Tuj) You're very kind. I had thought the term might date me, but it seems to live on. :-)
    There once was a world with no oil
    No more could farmers till their soil Hi all! You've been very busy this weekend!
    With tractors but horses
    Applied all their forces
    To replace it with all day long toil.
    Tomorrow's the Transit of Venus
    To miss it would really be heinous
    From where I am standing
    I can see the branding
    A good tan I'll get as a bonus
    There once was a girl with no luck
    Although she was not short of pluck almost oblig
    So she'd stand on the street Where will this lead...?
    and the men she did meet
    Would find themselves short of a buck.
    I'm pressing the button marked "Panic"
    Because the last verse was Satanic
    They've issued a fatwa
    I'll be boiled in a vat. Waah! Not easy, that, Raak.
    [Rosie] Poetic necessity, I'm afraid.
    Oh, Heavens! It's made me quite manic.
    I once knew a lady from China. Help yerselves.
    In swearing she trained her Hill Myna
    This most vocal bird
    Could quote Richard the Third
    I've not seen a rendition finer.
    Having partaken of a wee tipple. Yep, it's the same ploy as before.
    an event that makes barely a ripple So you tell me. :-)
    I like to find girls
    With cute little curls Really!
    Then try to get hold of a free nipple. …shame on you Darren!
    There once was a girl, oh so daring!
    With dresses much flesh she was baring
    Her gossamer thong
    To put on, took too long
    so certain parts got a good airing.
    At school I was most fond of Rugger Yep, still employing the same shameless tactic I'm afraid.
    I earnt the nickname of "Tugger" [Thrax] Oh yes indeed!
    When deep in the scrum
    I'd never be glum
    With my nose in the arse of ‘Fart Slugger”.
    There once was a snobbish old fart
    Who married a stuck-up young tart
    But at the reception
    her clever deception
    convinced them she was all heart.
    Some clams, that were quite indiscreet,
    Would swap naughty jokes about feet
    The toes they'd call smelly
    belonged to Grace Kelly
    ,And Ginger, in "Follow the Fleet".
    I felt that I started to wilt
    The moment I looked up his kilt Sorry, sorry, sorry. It had to be done.
    Beneath, was a mob
    And the gay pooftah Bob,
    Who'd immersed it, right up to the hilt Coat!
    That was worse than I ever feared it would be. Shame on you all.
    It came to me, all in a flash
    A new way to make mountains of cash
    Now my pimp I will call, (simulposted:That Scots, underneath, has a ‘lash’)
    He can shove it all
    where the Customs men look for his stash. Ouch.
    Oh, bugger. Forgot:

    A trick you can do for your friends
    Involves unbelievable bends
    And if properly mastered, I'm gonna force one o' you into an expletive if if it's the last thing I do!
    by someone not plastered, Zounds! He would provoke profanity, the boundah.
    You never will know how it ends.
    There once was a maiden in Ealing
    So tall she could head-butt the ceiling.
    And thus she would duck, Indeed, Rosie.
    And make her back ruck
    Till her spine had lost all sense of feeling. Non-obscene limerick achieved!
    Each morning, at half past the hour,
    I make pancakes from eggs, milk and flour
    I give them a toss
    thus causing their loss
    And till noontime the floors shall i scour.
    Well would you believe it, those French
    Woke up while we slept on the bench
    In just a minute
    They managed to win it
    But our thirst for revenge we will quench
    Hopefully this tournament, not something pathetic like Olympic shooting or somesuch!
    Alas two-one down but not out
    Of Portugal yet; there's no doubt
    As a Swede I am proud! 5-0 against Bulgaria!
    But lets hope the crowd
    Will behave lest we get flung out!
    This "football" of which you all speak
    Is to my ears, sad to, say, all Greek.
    I know it involves fighting
    Kicking butts and some biting
    And is likely to go on all week.
    A week of Des Lyneham's too much!
    but better than soaps out of touch!
    But still, we'll ban sport.
    Instead we will cavort !
    hello?
    hi pat
    And skip (in your bed?) Double Dutch
    Last night as she went to her bed,
    Jade Goody thought hard and then said:
    "Now, I ain't usually frugal"
    "But I sleep with Dougal"
    "Whilst Hamish is locked in the shed"
    "Insert Strap B into Slot C"
    I did, with smiles and with glee
    But Tab A fell apart
    Now I must restart
    From D and I’ll follow plan B.
    She’ll sail in a while with the tide, all aboard?
    Shipshape, and her crew: Watch their pride!
    Its so painful to think
    Of the fearful stink
    As the crew throw up o'er the side
    I must have a triple espresso!
    Mocha, latte, frapachino
    My caffine is low
    (Macchiato to go)
    And I’ll have a huge Curacao! http://www.curacaoliqueur.com/pages/recipes.htm
    He said, “Well it’s Irish for me”,
    As we seem to be hooked on coffee
    and strong beer and fags
    Are used by old hags
    It helps the complexion, you see.
    There once was an Angel in Hell, Heavens Devils?
    Who calomine lotion did sell
    For skin that is burning
    , cryogenically yearning
    For some sort of Freeze Spray as well.
    It seems that all cars sport a flag
    Or remains of an old washing rag
    They've all got a red cross
    But who gives a toss?
    The ghost of General Braxton Bragg? Defeated by Grant in the battle of Chattanooga (1817-1876)
    There once was a Cho in Chattanooga,
    whose favourite confection was nougat. Steam engines can burn anything. :-)
    It got all hot and sticky
    And looked a little tricky
    But it still ran as fast as a cougar.
    It always rains for Wimbledon
    So ladies keep your wimple on.
    It's raining on Centre Court 1
    Our great sporting summer's begun!
    Still, the Roo did us proud
    But screamed very loud
    When he that Martina had won
    When he HEARD that Martina had won?
    There was a young fellow called Rooney
    Whose ears were stuck on by a loony
    His skull was quite hollow
    So when he went to swallow
    The head rush made him go quite swoony
    Oh, finish my marmalade, please!
    I now have a preference for peas
    I eat them with honey
    Which makes them taste funny Oblig. Sorry Mr Belloc
    But don't shoot out my mouth if I sneeze Not oblig. Sorry everyone!
    I shall die all alone in my bed
    With a postage stamp stuck to my head
    Waiting for the Holy Ghost :o)
    Who I like the most
    But I'll settle for St Peter instead. Backs away waving incense and making sign of the cross, etc, etc...
    I’ve run out of my e-mailing stamps,
    And who stole my cut-and-paste clamps?
    And where's my click wand?
    (of which I am fond)
    . My Recycle Bin - raided by tramps!
    Oh dear, Oh dear, Oh dear
    My undies have washed o'er the weir
    And now they've got tangled
    in a device so new-fangled
    that provides endless glasses of beer.
    Tim has got through to the quarters
    Will there be an opponent he slaughters? ...ever? Nope, do it the hard way please!
    Perhaps it's Sir Cliff
    (He with the quiff)
    And a penchant for railway porters
    I have a confession to make
    The prospect of which makes me quake What can this be?
    I'm really your mother
    'Tho I look like your brother
    and these 38D's are quite fake.
    [C, R, R, S, K] Disturbing. Oh well. Moving quickly on...
    Why can't we have kippers for tea?
    Freshly plucked direct from the sea?
    Paint them brown (BFK) (BFK = Brown For Kippers, a standard colouring ingredient.)
    Serve with bread on a tray
    Don't hog them - leave plenty for me!
    A rumour is going around
    That Dubya said something profound
    It's just propaganda
    But it does make you wonder
    If his feet are almost on the ground... Nah...
    There once was one Linesman too much,
    Who cried when the ball was in touch
    The hue that ensued,
    Led to language quite rude
    Thankfully, spoken in Dutch
    Despite having four hours to spare
    Before their flight took to the air
    They still turned up late
    , Got stopped at the gate,
    Though no-one really seems to care Mercy!
    Once upon a time in the west,
    A cowpoke was washing his vest
    He used best manure
    Which he'd always procure
    From The Man With Bullshit On His Chest [a.k.a. Clint Eastwood]
    You really must make up your mind
    Before I grab at your behind
    Or other protrusions
    I might leave contusions
    You see, I'm not that refined.
    A chicken, when lacking a head [C,D,S,R,R] Bravo: one of the best for a while!
    Is likely to hop 'til it's dead eeuww but true! [Tuj] thanks :-) they was good wasn't they?
    which proves that its brain
    while beginning to drain
    Is thinking of skipping instead
    I'm trying to learn all my lines
    Err...prompt!
    And in danger of incurring fines
    The thespians art
    Of stifling a fart Sorrysorrysorry
    From the hole out of which the sun shines
    "Please fondle my buttocks," he said
    "Then slap them with fresh soda bread"
    But instead, I grabbed hard
    and rubbed them with lard!
    And watched as he slid out the bed!
    A suitcase contains many things So that's what you all get up to, is it?
    Like toilet rolls, butter and springs
    But you'd best leave it locked
    and not at half cocked!
    Just see what the chambermaid brings.
    There was a young lass from Jakarta
    Took a pint of good gin just to start her Apologies, oblig!
    To finish her off
    A cocktail Molotov
    Was exchanged in a strange kind of barter
    We’ve got the weather we deserve, ...we have?
    And all because God had the nerve at the risk of stating the bleedin' obvious [altho' nothing surprises me in this game] UNFINISHED SENTENCE ALERT ...'
    To take a day off
    'Cause He had a bad cough
    and leave us with Thor (first reserve).
    The first thing you see in Valhalla
    Are Vikings dressed up for a Gala
    The men in nice frocks
    With cross-gartered socks
    Think nothing of mimicking Mahler ...taking the second of the 2 rhyming options
    There was a great cat called Sylvester
    'pon whose skin monstrous boils did fester
    This great suppuration
    -- viscous, pustuled libation --
    Was caused by a visit to Chester.
    A big killer whale named George
    Whose fav'rite game was Cheddar Gorge
    While eating some krill
    said "this makes me ill"
    'And causes my bowel to engorge' ...assuming whales *have* bowels. Even if they don't, at least I ended the damn thing *pats self on back*
    To start with I need to point out
    My left foot is swollen with gout
    To astonishing size
    It might win a prize
    - A year's worth of claret and stout. ouch!
    A sinister beast is the spider (pen) Ouch indeed. :-)
    She's got miles of thick rope coiled inside her
    So best to ensnare
    little beasts in her lair
    Replacing a health care provider
    My horny Aunt Heather once said:
    I'd rather be single than wed
    But don't push your luck
    Or a railway truck
    Or soon you will wish you were dead
    oops -
    There was a young man from Okehampton (...back to a more traditional opening)
    Who made the front page when he camped on unfinished sentence alert
    the M25 Everyone should be alert. The country needs lerts.
    by Chalfont St Giles. Mmmm, tough leave Rosie!
    with (wait for it) Lucinda Lambton. (Snodders) Can't see the problem. Anything ending in -ive would do.
    There once was a man writing verse , . [Rosie] but it had to scan with your short line 3!
    All rhymes that he knew were perverse
    To the innocent ear
    They sounded quite queer
    But seemed quite straight-laced in reverse
    The mysteries of quantum mechanics (Snodders) Well, it's got 5 sillybubbles, which is about par. Don't want to start a fight, BTW. Yes, I do. :-)
    Drove Einstein himself into panics
    Cause he knew… but we don’t
    That some particles won't
    Listen to tunes by the "Manics"
    Said Ringo, "I know what to do!"
    In addition to counting 'One, Two!'
    'These drums I will thrash'
    And pocket the cash [Rosie] OK ok, it looked hard anyway!
    And read Thomas the Tank Engine too.
    Late last night, I lay in my bed
    As a nightmare flew over my head
    Who will it frighten? Well, grab me by the incubus
    I felt myself tighten
    'Calm Down Dear' the white haired man said .Everyone a Winner
    I hear Nancy is throwing out Sven
    They're all just the same. Bloody men!
    Their cock's rule their heads!
    Just screw – without threads,
    They just don't understand us at all, these wo-men.
    For breakfast I had two boiled eggs
    To steady my long, wobbly legs
    Unfortunate-ly [Software - you takin' the p*ss?]
    Twenty cups of green tea
    have reduced my digestion to dregs. (Chalky) W.S.Gilbert lives!
    Whilst list'ning to the Mika-do
    My cake mix flopped - needs thicker dough. (Bigsmith) I'll get you for this, you bastard. :-)
    So I added some flour
    And in just half an hour
    My gateau was ready to go.
    While practising scales on the 'cello (Snods/Raak) Blimey, that was quick. Have you got your own domestic blast furnace, or something?
    In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
    Strange sounds from above
    One string snapped with a "twang" Great 'cello-playing cartoon on page 13 of this week's Private Eye
    Shit - simulposted. Thought that couldn't happen on here. Ignore me.
    Of erroneous love
    'Twas the music of love (Bigsmith) It always happens when you think you've got a brilliant line, doesn't it?
    (Sorry Celare - didn't see you in there - let's have a full recap:)

    While practising scales on the 'cello
    In the basement of Bertha's Bordello
    Strange sounds from above
    Of erroneous love
    Have left me decidedly mellow
    My 'cello string snapped with a "Twang!"[Per Bigsmith: it seemed too good a line to waste]
    And my music stand collapsed with a "Bang!"
    I let out an oath (Bigsmith) Saw the cartoon. :-)
    About string and stand both
    and kicked out at the bucket with a clang
    Pray sing out with voice loud and clear!
    And fill lowly peasants with fear.
    As the hunt comes a-trampling
    On poor Charlotte Rampling
    And gives her a flea in her ear!
    The holiday season is here
    The time for sand, sea and beer
    And drizzle, and fog
    Campsites like Bog,
    -nor Regis when rain clouds hang drear.
    finally drawing a line under the -ear /-eer rhymes
    Chalky - Resplendent in tangerine satin
    I tango'd my way round Prestatyn oh what a picture that paints...
    My partner, Miguel
    , the Argie from Hell
    , Just couldn't quite dance like a Latin...
    Last Tango in Southend-on-Sea
    a film I just don't want to see
    It's nothing but dross
    With Matt and Luke Goss (remember them? I bet you wish you didn't)
    A mark out of five? Minus three.
    And talking of towns on the coast
    They say (though they don't like to boast)
    That Yarmouth's the place
    For black satin lace
    And mushrooms and baked beans on toast.
    When paying a visit to Durham hoho
    I realised there's no rhyme for Durham Let alone two.
    And so I left Durham
    (A nice town that, Durham)
    And ended up in Dover, which is vile.
    Enough of this nonsense. Back to proper limerickese.
    I once met a man with three legs
    Who pushed out a basket of eggs
    I said, "Hello, tripod", I can only think of one rhyme
    "are you man or god?" was that the one?
    And ended up in Dover, which was nowhere near as nice as Durham
    An angel approached me and said:
    "Permit me to point out you're dead"
    "Your mortal life ended"
    "Your ways you have mended" I still think the other place is more interesting.
    So well send you to Durham instead
    Ahem - "So we'll send you to Durham instead." Ay thang yew.
    In Darlington, Durham and Dover
    The law has a precedence over
    The wearing of heels
    But Judge often repeals
    If promised a lay in the clover
    One night on the beach down in Bognor
    Recalling my visit to Durham
    I thought of Prestatyn
    and Winterbourne Abbas Anarchy in the UK
    And all of the time spent in Ais Gill
    There was a young man from Prestatyn
    Who wore on his head a gold paten
    When asked to describe
    The drinks he'd imbibe
    He slurred he will never leave Durham
    Tonight I will take her, I swear, (To Durham, where else??)
    To Durham, with wind in her hair
    We'll get the eight-thirty
    Get deep down and dirty
    If anyone sees, I don't care ;-)
    I've got to leave old Durham town
    Opp north is getting me down
    I'll head West-South-West
    Wearing naught but a vest
    And arm bands in case that I drown
    While heading t'wards Stratford-on-Avon
    , that well-known cultural haven
    I stopped off in Warwick
    To meet poor old Yorick (oblig., and thank you)
    And paused for a pint in "The Raven".
    There once was a writer called Poe
    Who found it so hard to say "No"
    His stutter got worse
    Then he'd start to curse
    He still wrote classic prose, though.
    Oops, add a 'some' in after wrote...
    He still wrote some classic prose, though.
    Will Smith saves the world (yet again)
    His heroics will drive us insane
    Does no-one but me unfinished rhetorical question alert!
    Eschew going to see
    Bloody "Men in Black III"? What a pain!
    I once stopped in Bangkok for the night
    But left back to Durham with next flight (A short stay....)
    Landed at Luton as you would
    Put a new suit on [Fiddler] Is that the one-syllable pronunciation of Durham?
    Like me it was a little too tight. (having to squeeze the extra syllable in to make it scan)
    I've been staying oop north for two weeks
    To study some birds with two beaks
    Whilst quite advantageous
    I find it outrageous
    The language the two-beaked birds speaks ...a foul language not worthy to be published, not even here!
    A chick may say no, meaning yes
    But heed caution, nevertheless
    For the cock, in his ardour
    Tries all the harder
    And it ends in a helluva mess
    In Bolton, there lives a strange man
    Who claims Jesus was born in Japan
    And Mohammed was Greek
    Tony Blaire smart and chic
    And Bernard Levin a very nice man. Sadly missed
    "Man" rhymed with "man"? Very odd.
    Beware of the lim’rick cop squad [Darren: they may also count syllables so run while you can!]
    arrow_circle_down
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