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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Bad News
It's one of those religions where as the leader, after a night of hedonist splendour, you are sacrificed to ensure well-being in the coming year.
Good News
At least there will be well-being in the coming year.
Bad News
Not for you
Good News
You persuade your most faithful acolyte to take your place disguised as you, and sneak off to live in quiet obscurity in another country.
Bad News
Who wants to be quiet and obscure?
Good News
YOU DO ! And you achieve it, living in a beautiful house designed by Le Corbusier in the midst of the French Alps.
Bad News
There is an avelanche and your house is swept into oblivion together with your collection of Picasso and Salvador Dali paintings.
Good News
Your surreal world is gone. You can return to sanity.
Bad News
There ain't no Sanity Clause* in your contract.
*credit Mr. Marx
Good News
Your contract is as a strictly non-playing footballer. However you still full wages of £millions a week!
Bad News
Your club is going to have start laying you all off to avoid going into administration.
Good News
You still make a personal fortune in advertising revenue.
Bad News
It's in Parmalat, and you're paid in stock options.
Good News
A quick bit of thinking and fast-talking allows you to dump the stock and make a tidy profit.
Bad News
At least it would, but being a football player means you are incapable of thinking or talking at anything like a high speed.
News (Good)
You employ people to do your quick thinking for you
Bad News
They think quickly enough to empty your bank account and disappear before you notice anything has happened.
Good News
You sell your story for a lot of money
Bad News
You are immediately sued for libel by almost everyone you mention.
Good News
Being a thick sporty type, you got all their names slightly wrong, and they have no case.
Bad News
Just when you think you are not going to do time, your nicked for steroid abuse at a local beauty pagent.
Good News
With one sweep of your steroid-enhanced shoulders you fell your captors and are free.
Bad News
Unbalanced on your stilleto heels, your boxer shorts are grabbed from behind.
Good News
You instinctively kick backwards, driving your stilleto into one of your captor's ohmygods.
Bad News
You can't pull the stiletto out again.
Good News
Thinking quickly (for you), you free your foot, leaving the shoe dangling behind.
Bad News
A Cinderella-style manhunt has now begun.
Good News
Thinking quickly, you cut off both your feet. (Has it been mentioned before how thick you are? Oh yes, good)
Bad News
You lose nearly 5 pints of blood from the leg wounds and get blood all over your white satin boxer shorts!!
Good News
Red is the new white.
Bad News
Due to an almost total lack of blood, you are now an unfashionable white.
Good News
"Pale and interesting" was at one time a discreet expression of sexual interest.
Bad News
every one you know is red/white colourblind and ignores you!
Good News
Capable of near invisibilty, you perpetrate a series of daring crimes.
Bad News
They're crimes against fashion, and you are widely mocked once they are discovered.
Good News
Your bad taste brings you fame and fortune in the great fashion magazines of the world!
Bad News
Because of that, everyone thinks that you are Victoria Beckham.
Good News
ITV want you in there next Celebrity reality show.
Bad News
You've agreed to do it
Good News
It could be fatal
Bad News
As you are still invisible, no one can see you to vote you out. You are trapped in a jungle with 2 Ant/Decs forever!
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