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Good News / Bad News
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Right, another chance to alternately build our spirits up and then disappoint them. I can't be bothered to change the winning move so it's still Mornington Crescent.
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Bad News
Customs take it from you before entering the country.
Good News
They don't let you enter the country at all.
Bad News
They deport you to Afghanistan.
Good News
They let you go into Pakistan, where the locals are impressed by your cricketing expertise.
Bad News
You realise that cricket is the most tedious activity in the world, and face a hideous death from boredom.
Good News
You turn to meditation to escape boredom and find God (underneath a small rock). God tells you to start a new religion.
Bad News
You're still in Pakistan, and the locals are unimpressed by your choice of religion.
Good News
You soon talk them round to your way of thinking.
Bad News
Unfortunately, religion is not about thinking.
Good News
But all the atheists are to busy not thinking to notice anyway.
Bad News
They're too busy talking on their mobiles while driving (or not) on the M25/Parkway East/[insert your local static motorway here].
Good News
You call on God to smite all mobile phone users with ear-boils. He does! Your religion obtains 100 million new converts.
Bad News
They have all just been smitten ie they are dead.
Good News
They're actually all smitten with you. You're popular again!
Bad News
It's one of those religions where as the leader, after a night of hedonist splendour, you are sacrificed to ensure well-being in the coming year.
Good News
At least there will be well-being in the coming year.
Bad News
Not for you
Good News
You persuade your most faithful acolyte to take your place disguised as you, and sneak off to live in quiet obscurity in another country.
Bad News
Who wants to be quiet and obscure?
Good News
YOU DO ! And you achieve it, living in a beautiful house designed by Le Corbusier in the midst of the French Alps.
Bad News
There is an avelanche and your house is swept into oblivion together with your collection of Picasso and Salvador Dali paintings.
Good News
Your surreal world is gone. You can return to sanity.
Bad News
There ain't no Sanity Clause* in your contract.
*credit Mr. Marx
Good News
Your contract is as a strictly non-playing footballer. However you still full wages of £millions a week!
Bad News
Your club is going to have start laying you all off to avoid going into administration.
Good News
You still make a personal fortune in advertising revenue.
Bad News
It's in Parmalat, and you're paid in stock options.
Good News
A quick bit of thinking and fast-talking allows you to dump the stock and make a tidy profit.
Bad News
At least it would, but being a football player means you are incapable of thinking or talking at anything like a high speed.
News (Good)
You employ people to do your quick thinking for you
Bad News
They think quickly enough to empty your bank account and disappear before you notice anything has happened.
Good News
You sell your story for a lot of money
Bad News
You are immediately sued for libel by almost everyone you mention.
Good News
Being a thick sporty type, you got all their names slightly wrong, and they have no case.
Bad News
Just when you think you are not going to do time, your nicked for steroid abuse at a local beauty pagent.
Good News
With one sweep of your steroid-enhanced shoulders you fell your captors and are free.
Bad News
Unbalanced on your stilleto heels, your boxer shorts are grabbed from behind.
Good News
You instinctively kick backwards, driving your stilleto into one of your captor's ohmygods.
Bad News
You can't pull the stiletto out again.
Good News
Thinking quickly (for you), you free your foot, leaving the shoe dangling behind.
Bad News
A Cinderella-style manhunt has now begun.
Good News
Thinking quickly, you cut off both your feet. (Has it been mentioned before how thick you are? Oh yes, good)
Bad News
You lose nearly 5 pints of blood from the leg wounds and get blood all over your white satin boxer shorts!!
Good News
Red is the new white.
Bad News
Due to an almost total lack of blood, you are now an unfashionable white.
Good News
"Pale and interesting" was at one time a discreet expression of sexual interest.
Bad News
every one you know is red/white colourblind and ignores you!
Good News
Capable of near invisibilty, you perpetrate a series of daring crimes.
Bad News
They're crimes against fashion, and you are widely mocked once they are discovered.
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